The other three members of the team were dumbstruck, Daniel and Teal'c disbelieving that she could be so thoughtless of Jack's feelings. Jack was hurt, much more than simply hurt, but careful to hide it. She was brimming with happiness and frivolity as she announced it. Did she think he was made of stone, that his heart hadn't been ripped from his chest in that moment? Did she care so little for him?
"Pete and I are getting married!" Sam had said, excitedly, and his world had tipped on its axis. He was in free fall.
"That's wonderful Sam, congratulations." He managed to say, even raising a smile and kissing her on the cheek like any friend would. "I'm happy for you. When?"
"In a month." She was showing off her ring. Short engagement, Jack thought, crap!
"Wow, that's quick Sam." Exclaimed Daniel.
Both he and Teal'c had glanced sideways at O'Neill's reaction, noting the lack of it with concern. Both knew how he felt and wondered how she didn't know, how she could be so hurtful in breaking it to him like this. Jack felt the need for oxygen, desperately wanting to be alone to lick his wounds. He tried stoicism knowing that now was not the time to walk out of here. Stoicism wasn't easy, although he'd had some practice.
He would not let her see his grief, wanting to do nothing to spoil her happiness or their friendship. Friendship? Could he handle it? He must, he couldn't lose her altogether. That would be far too painful, probably a whole lot worse even than this.
Marrying Pete? A month? He was staggered. You've got to get out of here, Jack, he thought, before you blow it. He didn't know how much longer he could keep up the charade, surprised at how well he'd managed so far. He would have sworn that the pain and bleeding on the inside must show on the outside. Just one bloody mess, Jack.
He suppressed an insane urge to cry, then an even wilder desire to tell her he loved her and implore her to reconsider. That's crazy Jack, just control yourself for a little longer, he begged himself. He could cry later. As for the rest, it was already too late.
He didn't know how he got through that day but thanked God they had not been due on a mission. On auto pilot for most of the day, he willed himself to make it through as if everything was normal. It was hard work to maintain a blank expression, and he had to concentrate to even notice the presence of others, let alone acknowledge salutes or mumble a few words when needed. Priding himself on his consummate acting skills, he prayed no one noticed.
That night at home there were no tears. He just cried on the inside and downed a bottle of scotch, falling asleep on the couch a lonelier and more bitter man than he had been when he'd woken up that morning.
If his colleagues realised he had a very bad hangover the next day, they said nothing. When he was with anyone, particularly her, he would concentrate really hard on making himself appear to be fine, becoming animated. Alone, he would sit like an automaton, hardly able to function, it was only the next day that he managed to get anything done. With great difficulty, he forced himself to, knowing that the following day they were due on a mission. He could not afford to act like that out in the field.
He had managed to brush off any attempts by either Daniel or Teal'c to raise the subject. There was no way in hell he was revealing his true thoughts to a living soul. So inside he was withering away, angry with himself at his feelings, pissed at Sam for hers. Dying inside. It had started the moment she had spoken those fateful words. Outside he seemed the same as ever, a tour de force of acting.
And so it appeared that everything was normal, but it was far from that.
*****************************
Two weeks before the wedding Pete came to Colorado Springs. He wanted to get to know her friends better. They were all going for a drink that night and Jack was dreading it.
He joined in the banter, cracking jokes, seemingly in good form. Pete even began to warm to him. There was something about the way Sam spoke of her CO that bugged the hell out of him. Sam would never admit there had been anything between them, denied it vehemently, but Pete had his suspicions.
He hadn't liked O'Neill much from when they first met, although they'd hardly spoken. There was something scary about the guy, despite the façade, and Pete could not understand why Sam never seemed to see it. She would rush to defend her CO at any opportunity, so Pete didn't mention O'Neill to her anymore. She spoke of him though, and it was with a fondness and respect that Pete came to envy. On the other hand, O'Neill wasn't the one marrying her, so he couldn't help but gloat inside.
Sam saw someone she knew at the other side of the bar and rushed over to speak to them. Daniel had slunk off to the men’s room. That left Jack, Pete and Teal'c. Jack's friendly demeanour disappeared and when he smiled at Pete, a total fake, a shiver ran up Pete's spine. The eyes were cold and heartless, showing nothing of the smile on his face. Pete thought that O'Neill was probably a very dangerous man.
"If you hurt Sam in any way Pete Shannahan, I'll find you." Jack said, eyeballing Pete. He knew it sounded corny, like a cliché, but he meant it. Pete tried to brazen it out.
"You think you scare me O'Neill? You threaten me? You're just jealous that I have the woman that you want. Think I hadn't noticed? Well I had."
In reality Jack scared the hell out of him, but Pete would not admit that. Jack knew Pete was right, but he was serious that he would severely damage this man if he harmed Sam in any way. His threat was not hollow and Pete knew it. Jack did not trust the guy. His judgement might be clouded but he was certain he was right. A man who followed his girlfriend around and nearly got people killed, a guy who pumped the FBI for information about said girlfriend - how does one trust a man like that?
His smile widened and Pete quailed. O'Neill had the eyes of a killer and Pete figured the Colonel was an expert. Jack said nothing. He knew he didn't have to, he'd made his point. O'Neill was a man of few words. Pete thought about what Sam had told him of this man, his special ops background. He could probably kill Pete without warning or leaving a trace. It was a terrifying prospect.
He glanced over at Teal'c and the eyes that met his were even colder than O'Neill's and more petrifying. A steely demeanour added menace to the big man's already threatening appearance.
"PeteShannahan," he said, the deep voice a threat all of it's own, "you would do well to listen to O'Neill. He is not alone in wishing to cause detriment to your wellbeing if harm befalls MajorCarter. I concur."
It took a lot of effort on Jack's part to keep laughing out loud when he saw the expression on Pete's face at these words. Teal'c knew how to terrorise a man without moving a muscle, or even speaking. Jack knew for sure that Teal'c terrified Shannahan at this moment much more than Jack himself had. He wasn't surprised; Teal'c didn't look like the sort of man you should cross.
Inside, Jack grinned and his opinion of Pete reached an all time low. The guy was a cop but didn't even recognise where the true danger lay. Sure, T was a genuine threat; that went almost without saying. On the face of it O'Neill might seem the lesser of the two evils but in this case, scratch beneath the surface and you might see a wholly different picture. This was Sam's life they were talking about and Jack would do anything to seek retribution if she was wronged. So much for Shannahan's people judgement skills.
Then Jack's mood turned to gloom and despondency when he recalled that Pete had Sam. That must mean there was something more special about the guy than Jack gave him credit for. Jealousy and envy will play tricks with one's mind. He'd never seen Sam look as happy as she did right now and that counted for something; for a whole hell of a lot in Jack's humble opinion. As Pete was marrying her, his people judgement must be more above par than Jack imagined. He'd won and Jack had lost; it was as simple as that. A sharp stab of pain ran through him at this stark reality.
At that moment Sam came over with her acquaintance in tow to introduce her to her fiancée and things seemed as they had been. When he returned Daniel was oblivious that anything untoward had taken place.
Apart from that lapse, Jack was the perfect gentleman all night. He hadn't been able to help himself with Pete, waiting for the opportunity to warn him. At home alone, he was a wreck. One of the hardest things in his life had been to watch Sam happy with another man.
*****************************
He was trying to concentrate on his paperwork when she burst into his office without knocking.
"How dare you Jack O'Neill!" She said angrily, unconcerned at his status as her CO, "How dare you threaten Pete!"
He looked at her and said nothing. What could he say? It was true, he couldn't deny it. He would never lie to Sam except, perhaps, by omission.
"Aren’t you going to say anything? Apologise?"
"No!" He said starkly, "apologise for what?"
"For what? You threaten him and then don't think you should feel sorry. I'm going to marry Pete. You hurt him, you hurt me! I want you to apologise to him Colonel."
"No." He repeated.
He would not explain himself to her, he shouldn't have to. She'd known him for a long time and it saddened him that clearly she didn't really know him, even after all the years she'd spent as his second in command, and friend. Did she think he just did it for spite? He was trying to protect her from that creep. He wondered what Pete had said to her. He could have spun any line he wanted.
"Sam, it was just a friendly warning." He said.
She gave O'Neill a thunderous look but said nothing in response, just stormed out of the room. She was far too much the good Air Force Officer to be rude to her CO. It was fine for the Colonel; he got to be as obnoxious as he liked. It infuriated her still further that a smart retort could get her up on a charge and she stomped down the corridor, taking it out on the floor with her boots.
He hung his head in his hands and thought, I've lost a friend. Dammit! He wanted to run after her, explain his reasoning, and tell her he feared this man would hurt her, but he didn't. If he once exposed any feelings, they would all come tumbling out. Everything was falling apart and he was going right along with it.
Sam was cold towards him after that, purely professional with no signs of their previous friendship. She made her choice and for her it's the right one, the right thing to do, thought Jack. That logic didn't stop his wounds from festering, or the pain from deepening. It hurt him badly to have her behave like that towards him and he withdrew further into his shell, and away from her.
*****************************
A few days later he was knocking on Hammond's office door.
"General, you wanted to see me Sir."
"Sit down Colonel."
"Sir." A feeling of foreboding crept up on him, making him nervous as he sat facing his CO.
"Jack." Hammond looked tired and worried, "Major Carter has asked to be transferred off SG-1, to another SG team. Do you want to tell me why?"
Hell! This was the final insult, a cruel blow that would probably fell him totally.
Hammond watched O'Neill carefully, seeing a look of shock and anguish cross his face before he shut it down.
"Didn't she tell you why Sir?" Jack asked and Hammond sighed, resigned to his fate. He didn't like having to tell Jack this.
"She said she didn't trust you anymore, Jack. I want to know why."
Jack gasped slightly and thought someone had stabbed him in his heart.
"Well I still think pretty highly of her Sir." Jack's tone was jocular as if making a joke, which he frequently did to cover other thoughts and feelings. It fell flat.
"I know son." Hammond's tone was sympathetic. "What happened Jack?"
"I might have threatened Pete a little Sir." Jack confessed.
"I see."
"I don't think you do General."
"I see a lot better than you think Colonel." Jack said nothing in response but turned slightly pink, realising to his surprise that the General really did know a lot more than he had imagined.
"Sir, I… I'll resign. She shouldn't have to leave the team because of me."
"Are you serious?" Hammond was shocked.
"Deadly Sir."
"Jack I…"
"General, Sir." Jack interrupted, leaning back in his chair and covering his face with his hands. Then he scrubbed them through his hair and looked back up at Hammond with pain clearly etched into the features of his face and eyes. "I think it's for the best Sir. I don't think I can do this anymore. How can I face it?"
Hammond was shocked to see Jack's eyes looking a little watery and didn't know what to say. He'd always suspected, if not known, that Jack had deep feelings for Major Carter, but here sat a man who was cracking up, was very clearly devastated. He hadn't even noticed before this, Jack had hidden it so well. He worried what might become of Jack if he left this place behind forever, but also what he might do if he had to stay here and die inch by inch, day by day. He needed time to think this through.
Jack gave him no time. Returning from a meeting a couple of hours later the General saw an envelope on his desk and recognised Jack's writing. It was his formal request to resign, effective as soon as Hammond found his replacement. The letter recommended Major Samantha Carter for the job. Hammond now had two requests on his desk the likes of which he'd hoped never to see.
*****************************
Jack had said nothing of his decision to either Daniel or Teal'c yet. Daniel was in his office, distracting him from… absolutely nothing. Even so he pretended to be pissed that Daniel had disturbed him when he was so busy. The younger man had been talking enthusiastically about a planet he thought had great potential for a visit. Jack didn't give a damn about the planet but had pretended to listen. Daniel finally got his attention when he changed the subject.
"Hey nice invitation for Sam's wedding, don't you think Jack?" Daniel said. It may be tactless but the subject could not be avoided altogether. He was hoping to draw Jack out, talk to him about Sam.
"I wouldn't know. I didn't get one." Daniel was stunned.
"You… you… you're not invited?" Jack shook his head, unable to speak. "Jack? What happened?"
"Nothing Daniel." Well that was obviously a lie.
"Come on Jack. Things must be pretty bad between you and Sam if you didn't get invited."
"Leave it Daniel. Please. I don't wanna talk about this, okay?"
When Daniel persisted, like the terrier he was, Jack got up and stormed out of his own office, leaving Daniel staring after him open mouthed.
Jack beat a hasty retreat to the mess to get coffee. It seemed as good a place to go as any, although he ran the risk that Daniel would follow him.
"O'Neill." Teal'c said and sat down opposite him, his own mug of coffee in hand.
"Hey big guy." Jack smiled then narrowed his eyes suspiciously. "Did Daniel send you?"
"Indeed he did not. Do you think I have not got eyes inside my own head, my friend?"
"I don't wanna talk about it T."
"That is not a surprise to me, O'Neill, but I do wish to speak."
"Please Teal'c." Jack pleaded. Teal'c was silent for a long time, simply staring at his friend. "I don’t need or want your pity Teal'c."
"And I offer you neither. I am your friend and do not wish to see you in pain."
"You'd better get used to it buddy."
"You must try to make amends with MajorCarter."
"A bit late for that don't you think?"
"As you Tauri say, it is never over until the obese lady sings, O'Neill." Teal'c's use of that expression nearly made Jack laugh, but he couldn't raise one.
"Fat lady, Teal'c, that's fat lady."
"Indeed. Is that not what I said?" Jack smiled faintly and Teal'c looked him firmly in the eye. "So you will not fight?"
"Fight?"
"PeteShannahan."
"Frankly, I'd love to beat the hell out of him Teal'c but Carter would kill me."
"So you will attend her wedding and pretend that you are happy for her?"
"She'd made her choice Teal'c, I have to accept it. But I won't be at the wedding, I haven't been invited." This clearly disturbed Teal'c greatly. "Sam was pissed that I threatened Pete. She doesn't trust me anymore."
"He told her of your threat?"
"Indeed."
"Coward. Hiding behind a woman's skirt." This time Jack did laugh.
"Teal'c, they're getting married. You should tell your loved ones everything."
"And yet you do not do so, O'Neill. You do not tell MajorCarter how you feel about her."
"Ummm… no. That's different."
"Why so my old friend?"
"Because she doesn't return my love."
Teal'c thought he had never seen a look of such sorrow in his friend's eyes and reached his hand to grasp O'Neill's arm.
"Perhaps if you told her, things would be different."
"I seriously doubt that."
"So again I say, you do not fight."
"I guess not. I'm sorry to disappoint you."
"You have no need to apologise to me, O'Neill, it is not my life that will be ruined because of it."
Jack did not meet Teal'c's eyes. Instead he changed the topic of conversation.
"I'm going away for a few days Teal'c. Hammond granted me some time off."
He was lying about going away, but did not want surprise visitors. Jack intended to stay in Colorado Springs and watch Sam get married from afar. He'd make sure she never saw him, but he would see her. Meanwhile, he was going to keep his head down at home, unable to deal with the SGC, and her constant presence right now.
It wasn't until later that Teal'c learned O'Neill was resigning. Hammond had summoned Daniel and Teal'c to tell them quietly. MajorCarter had not been present. Teal'c mulled over the situation again and again and wished he could think of a way to resolve it in favour of his friend O'Neill, but he could not. Unless O'Neill himself acted nothing would change.
The day before the wedding, however, he found himself wandering into MajorCarter's lab without any pre-conceived idea of what had taken him there.
"MajorCarter." He bowed.
"Teal'c. Hi." She said brightly. When he said nothing she spoke again. "Did you want something in particular Teal'c?"
"You have caused O'Neill a great deal of pain. You have been cruel and heartless MajorCarter. He does not deserve your lack of respect."
"Teal'c?" She was shocked by his outburst, so obviously heartfelt.
"O'Neill and yourself have enjoyed a special relationship for all of these years, MajorCarter, and now it is as if it was nothing to you."
"I… I…" She didn't know what to say.
"If you replace him as leader of SG-1 I am unsure I will be able to serve under your command." That hurt.
"Teal'c? Leader of SG-1? What are you talking about? You already have the Colonel."
"You did not know, then, that O'Neill has resigned? And he recommended that you replace him as leader of SG-1?"
"I… What?" She was astonished. How was it she hadn't heard about this?
"I am positive that you heard me. All of the many ways in which he has suffered over the years and it is you who have finally broken him."
He turned at those words and left, his anger just boiling under the surface, leaving Sam speechless and in turmoil.
The Colonel resigned? Was this because of her? Is that why Teal'c is pissed? Since their argument and her request for reassignment she had been avoiding Jack. Now she was desperate to speak to him and walked quickly to his office. She had been so busy avoiding him that she hadn't even realised he wasn't there.
Gingerly she approached her CO's door but got no response when she knocked. Checking with the SFs she found that O'Neill was not in, and had not been for a few days. How could she have failed to notice his absence? At one time she would never have done that. How things had changed. Their relationship had deteriorated so rapidly and she regretted that bitterly.
She changed and went topside to her car; she had to speak to him. Revving the vehicle she sped down the mountain towards O'Neill's house.
*****************************
"Carter?"
Jack was shaken by her appearance at his door. This was the night before her wedding, what the hell was she doing here? His heart hammered rapidly and his stomach turned a somersault.
"Colonel… Sir… Jack." She gave up trying to find the right way to address him. "Can I come in?"
"What do you want Carter?" He sounded bitter and angry.
"I need to talk to you."
"Yeah? Well I don't need to talk to you."
"Please Jack." She pleaded and he nodded and stepped back to let her in. He never had been able to say no to her.
"Coffee, drink?" He asked guardedly. What did she want with him? Dammit she was getting married tomorrow, wasn't that enough?
"Beer?" She replied.
"Sure." She watched as he pulled two beers from the fridge. The place was a mess.
"So?" He said as he cleared a space for her to sit down. "Sorry." He said sheepishly, indicating the mess.
Inside she was panicking. What was she doing here? She hardly knew.
"I hate that we aren't friends anymore Sir."
"That's not what I wanted Carter."
"I know." She noticed how tired and worn down he looked.
"I'd like for you to come tomorrow Sir." He was surprised.
"To the wedding? You want me to come to the wedding but you don't need me as your CO anymore? Don't trust me anymore?" He sneered.
"I… I… Maybe I was a bit too hasty Sir. I should never have spoken to the General but… I was so angry, I…" She looked chastened and upset. "I'm so sorry." It was almost a whisper.
"A little too late for that isn't it?" He spat angrily.
"How do I say sorry to you? You can be so stubborn and unforgiving. I guess you have a right…" She tailed off and he did not respond, merely stared at her blankly, so she changed tactic. "Please… Jack, please come. I need you to be there."
The use of his first name started to melt his resolve. She so rarely called him Jack. The woman sure knew how to manipulate him! He took a deep breath, calming his temper quickly, as he was able to do when required. He had taught himself a lot of tricks over the years, designed to protect him, to smother the pain.
He desperately tried to take a mental step back, otherwise this was going to get really messy and he wasn't sure how much he wanted that. He didn't want to box himself into a corner without means of escape; he liked more than one option. She was trying to offer her friendship again and, although right now he wasn't sure he wanted it, he could at least leave himself open to it.
"Have you cleared it with Pete?" His tone was sarcastic; he knew Pete wouldn't want him there.
"No. I can invite who I like to my own wedding can't I?" She said defensively.
"I'm sure Mr Shenanigans will have a thing or two to say on that subject."
Shenanigans? She nearly laughed, biting it back and looking at O'Neill disapprovingly.
"Shenanigans?"
"You didn't know that's what we call him?" She sighed at the reply.
"Doesn't anybody like Pete?" She asked.
"Guess not." He shrugged.
"Will you come?"
He sighed, scrubbing his hands though his hair, aware that it would kill him to watch her walk down the aisle to marry another guy, but wanting her to be happy nevertheless. He would not spoil her big day. This is what she wanted. The fact that he wanted it to be him waiting at the aisle for her did not make it so.
"I don't know that it's a good idea."
"At one time you would have done anything for me." Her voice sounded wistful.
"I still would Sam." She looked into his eyes when he said that. "At one time I imagined this might be us. Stupid huh?" He hadn't intended to say any such thing to her but it was out before he knew it and he saw the look of surprise in her eyes. "It could still be us." He added, then cursed himself for his foolishness.
"Jack?" She was uncertain how to react to what he'd said and Jack tried to change the subject back to it's original track.
"I didn't think you wanted me to come. We haven't exactly been… friends lately."
Sam felt vaguely grateful that he'd let her off the hook while simultaneously regretting the lost moment.
"I'd like you there. I thought we would always be friends."
"Apparently not. I want us to be but I'm not sure I can take it… you and Pete." She was dumbfounded by that confession and Jack moved on hurriedly. "You want me there? If that's what you really want Sam, you know I will come."
He sounded defeated, his voice almost a whisper. The temptation to touch her was almost overwhelming and he had to draw on reserves of strength he didn't think he had anymore.
"Thank you." She replied, gratefully, relieved that he'd said yes, confused by the conversation. This was not something she should be doing the night before she got married. There was another subject she wanted to discuss while she was here. It might be dipping her toes into dangerous waters, but she couldn't just leave it alone.
"Jack I…" She looked tearful and it wrenched his heart still more. He didn't want to make her unhappy but somehow had to harden his heart; a next to impossible task after all these years. "Teal'c told me you resigned." He said nothing, merely nodded. "You can't do that."
"Why not? I already did. It's my life isn't it?"
"Colonel I…" Dammit, she could feel the tears and was trying to hold them back. Angry with herself she got up and walked to look at his photographs so that she had an excuse to turn her back to him.
"For crying out loud stop the crocodile tears will ya?" He said angrily, "you've got your way, I'm coming tomorrow. What the hell do you expect from me?"
When she didn't reply he watched her shoulders shaking and knew the tears were genuine. Why she shed them was unclear; was it his resignation, or his pain? Despite that pain, and the anger that simmered within, his sympathy for her plight started to take control and got the upper hand. She's getting married tomorrow, he thought, don't make this worse than it already is. She shouldn't be crying, she should be happy. He walked over and touched her arm gently.
"Sam, please don’t. You're getting married tomorrow, you need to look your best." She was trying to hide her sorrow, and tears, sobbing almost silently. "Come here." He said and she turned and let him take her in his arms.
It felt good to hold her, despite the circumstances. Why wasn't it him she was marrying tomorrow? The answer was obvious. She loved Pete, was happy with him. He had to learn to accept that he had lost her, left it too late. He should be happy for her but how could he be? It had broken him. All hope was lost.
As he held her he said nothing, but her sobs subsided. Out of the blue she turned her face up to him and kissed his lips. He responded in kind, taking possession of her mouth. Just as suddenly, he pushed away, letting her go and putting some distance between them.
"Sam! Don't!" For the first time she saw the pain written plainly in his face and eyes. She held onto his arm.
"Jack. Make love to me."
"W… what?"
"I want to have sex with you." She tried to approach him but he shied away.
"No!"
"Please Jack."
"No Sam. I don't think so. Don’t do this. I'm not gonna be your final fling before you tie the knot. How could you?"
It shocked him, and hurt like hell. He wanted her so much but could not do that, could not use this situation to his advantage. She loved someone else, was marrying him tomorrow. Jack was too honorable and noble for that. He was furious with her for even suggesting it. Did she want to find out what she was missing? It was not right, it was not fair, and he would not be a party to it, despite his longing. He loved this woman. How could she expect him to have sex with her and leave it there?
"Sam, I think you'd better leave."
He was rejecting her? No! He couldn't do that. She panicked inside at the thought of leaving him.
"Don't send me away Jack."
"Damn you to hell Sam. Haven't you hurt me enough? Do you have to twist the knife?"
This was pure torture and he couldn't take anymore. Didn't Sam understand how he felt? If she didn't, he wasn't about to explain it to her. In any event he seriously doubted he could put it into words. The pain inside was almost unbearable and shook him to the core. He took her arm and grabbed her jacket and bag, steering her towards his front door.
"Jack!"
"I'm Colonel to you Carter."
"Please!"
"You're making a fool of yourself. Suck it up airman, you're getting married tomorrow."
"And if I weren't?" She asked and he closed his eyes in frustration.
"But you are."
As he opened the door and deposited her on the other side, she grabbed his arm again.
"Why are you doing this Jack?" She asked and his subconscious told him, it's now or never Jack, just say it.
"What? Why? For God's sake Sam, because I love you. I want you to be happy. I'll probably regret for the rest of my life that we never gave us a shot, but it isn’t my call. So how about you? Why are you doing this ?"
What was he saying? He couldn't believe he had just spoken those words and wished he could take them back. He'd been so determined that she wouldn't know how deeply he felt and now he had exposed himself horribly.
This should so not be happening the day before her wedding. It was too late. Eleventh hour pleas were not the answer and only made him look pathetic. Sure, she's going to drop all her plans for her future just because you said you loved her Jack. Who are you trying to kid? Stupid, stupid, stupid! Can I actually sink any lower?
Meanwhile Sam thought, has he just said he loves me? Her mouth went dry. Oh my God! She had to say something, react somehow but she froze and stared in horror. She was getting married tomorrow, this was all wrong.
"I did love you Jack O'Neill." He shuddered at her use of the past tense. "Did we leave it too late?" He laughed bitterly.
"I think the day before you get married to someone else is a little on the late side, don't you?"
The tone was angry and resentful and she was stunned into silence. Jack was shaking and desperately needed her to leave but couldn't quite bring himself to finally close the door and shut her out of his life. They stared at each other silently for a few moments and he found the will to close the door in her face, sinking to the floor, head in hands, ignoring her knocks and pleas to let her back in.
When her footsteps finally receded and he heard her drive away, he continued to sit there, unmoving apart from his trembling, trying to understand what had just happened, and the last few weeks. He couldn't grasp or get his head around it. I've lost her, he thought, it’s over. The pain overwhelmed him at last and he wept silently, his heart broken and never to be mended again.
He woke at some ungodly hour aching and still propped against his own front door. Ow! He complained as he got up, stiff and sore. Stretching his muscles he tried to ease the ache, but knew there was one ache that no amount of stretching would ease. The one that lived in his heart.
Making coffee, he pondered the events of the previous night. What the hell did Sam think she was doing? How could she treat him like that? He thought she respected him and it seemed he was wrong. Her behaviour had appalled him. The woman had to be deaf, dumb and blind not to know how he felt about her, yet had attempted a seduction, hurting him all the more.
What was that all about? Did she still feel something for him? If it was that, if there was any doubt, any hope… Picking up the phone he started to key in her number, then slammed it back down. Fool! Jack, don't do this to yourself, he told himself, she wouldn't be marrying Pete if she still had feelings for you.
On the other hand, they'd never had their shot. He had so wanted that chance. Did she regret it too? Did she have misgivings? Her reaction to him had not spoken of a woman about to get married to another man. He reached for the phone again, then quickly withdrew his hand as if burned, recalling he had told her he loved her last night.
Oh hell, he'd finally told her how he felt; he'd used the love word! The prospect that he had to face her today, aware that she now knew his feelings for certain, was humiliating. She was marrying someone else, for crying out loud! What the hell should he do?
He sat ruminating on all this, getting increasingly confused. He was annoyed - with her, with himself. Dammit, they'd been friends for years. Was he going to let all that go because she fell for someone else? Who could blame her? Certainly he was no great catch
Stumbling to the phone he picked it up again and called her number. What would she do if he asked her to call it off? She had doubts or she wouldn't have done that last night. He knew her well and it wasn't like Sam to behave in that way. He should have known better but his own hurt and misery, anger and self obsession had blinded him. She had needed him and he'd sent her away. That was not like Jack O'Neill. The Jack O'Neill he knew stuck by his friends and helped when they were in trouble. The seduction thing was a blind; she had been asking for help and he'd failed her. Good one Jack!
"Hello." A male voice; it was Pete. Hell! O'Neill swore as he put the phone back down again with a thump.
You're a fool O'Neill, he told himself. Sitting on a comfortable chair he wondered what to do now. He would go to the wedding, show them that he could do it; watch his love slipping away from him forever. He could do it; for her he could do almost anything, except what she had asked of him last night.
He ached with desire for her. Why did you turn her down Jack? It was what you always wanted. No, no it wasn't. Sex didn't cut it; he wanted a life with her. She was getting married. He couldn't do that to her, or even to Pete. Dammit, he couldn't do it to himself. It wasn't right and she should never have asked him. He wouldn't let himself be used for a brief moment of gratification, if that had been what she really wanted. His mind was in chaos and he didn't know anything for sure anymore.
Jack tried to concentrate on the matter at hand: shower, breakfast, clothes; getting ready for her big day, one step at a time. He could do this; he could steel himself. He had to find the guts to face up to it. The idea scared him but he must defeat his fear. How could he watch that 'kiss the bride' happiness? He felt crushed and so totally alone.
I love her, he thought, and I love her enough to let her go. I do!
*****************************
Despite the fact that he had been awake so early, he arrived at the church later than he should have. Sam was getting out of a car with her father. She was wearing her dress uniform and that made Jack very proud. When she saw him she walked over, Jacob following close behind.
"I'm sorry Jack. Last night. It was out of order." She said, embarrassed and blushing. "I didn't think you'd come."
"I nearly didn't."
"I'm glad you did. Thank you."
"I just want you to be happy Sam." Than, more quietly, "I'm sorry too." She nodded and smiled. "I see you chose to wear your uniform Carter." He added.
"I'm proud of it Sir."
"And I'm proud of you Major." He replied, smiling.
Jacob watched, taking it all in.
"How are you Jack?" He said, taking him by the hand and shaking it firmly.
"I'm fine Jacob. This is a great day for you, huh?"
Sam had moved away up the path towards the church door and Jacob leaned over and whispered in Jack's ear.
"Don't bullshit me Jack and I won't bullshit you." As Jacob walked away Jack stared after him dumbly. What the hell did that mean?
Hurriedly he went to find a seat before the proceedings started without him. He could see Daniel and Teal'c further towards the front, but there was no space close to them so he stayed towards the back. All the better for being able to hide my misery, he thought, wondering if he could get away with avoiding the reception.
Cassie was waiting nervously in a side room, pacing up and down, when Jacob and Sam arrived.
"Thank God, I almost thought you weren't coming." Almost wished you weren't, she reflected, her mind on Uncle Jack and how he must be feeling. Cassie was an intelligent young woman and had not failed to notice the special feelings between Jack and Sam. She could not quite believe that Sam had abandoned him so readily.
"Excuse me Cassie, can you leave for a moment please while I have a word with my daughter."
Sam looked puzzled as her father faced her alone.
"Are you doing the right thing Sam?" He asked.
"The right thing? It's a little late to be asking me that isn't it dad?"
"No Sam, it's still not too late to stop this."
"Dad!" She was taken aback by his words.
"Sam, please listen to me. Can you tell me in all truth that this is what you really want? If you are in love with Jack O'Neill you can't go through with this. You'll regret it for the rest of your life." She gasped at what he said. Was her own father really trying to persuade her not to go through with it?
"Dad? He's my CO!" She said defensively.
"Not anymore from what I've heard. Sam, do you think your old man goes around with his eyes closed? I've watched you two together for a lot of years. I always thought it would be him I was giving you away to."
"Do you wish it was him?"
"I want it to be the man you truly love. The one who you want to spend the rest of your life with. So can you answer the question? Is this guy the one? I don't want to be giving my only daughter away to the wrong guy. That kind of goes against a father's grain. If you are in doubt you shouldn't do this."
She let out a huge sigh, as if she had been holding her breath. Perhaps she had.
"Your hesitation is an answer Sam. Go with your heart."
"Dad, it's too late for all of that. You never did like Pete much."
"You think Jack O'Neill is my top choice for a son-in-law?"
"I could do worse!" It was out of her mouth before she gave it thought and she was horrified.
"Yes you could, a lot worse!" Like this guy you plan to marry today, he thought. "Sam, it isn't too late. I saw the way you looked at Jack today, the way he looked at you. What's in your heart Sam? Do you even know?" She took a deep breath, but didn't hesitate this time.
"Can you get Pete for me dad? I need to see him."
As Jacob entered the chapel Jack watched him walk over to Pete, who got up, followed by his best man. What the hell's going on? Jacob shushed the crowd.
"Please everyone. There will be a slight delay. I'm sorry."
With a bit of luck it will be a cancellation, Jacob thought. Jack O'Neill might not be his choice for the ideal son-in-law but he beat Pete Shannahan hands down and, frankly, probably most other men too. Who would be good enough for her? He was her father so obviously was going to think that no one would be. That's what fathers think; it's part of the job description.
However, he liked Jack, a lot, and Sam loved him. This was so obvious to Jacob and had been for a very long time. Jack loved Sam too, that was pretty clear; he knew it without any doubt. They were good together and he would trust Jack totally with his daughter.
There was whispering amongst the crowd. Jack tried to shut out his surroundings and everything else from his mind. Out the corner of his eye he saw Daniel waving at him and trying to attract his attention. He pretended he hadn't seen him. Than Sam appeared and his heart beat quickened at the sight of her. He diverted his attention solely to her.
Her father had offered to do this but Sam insisted on facing it herself. She wouldn't be able to look herself in the mirror otherwise. Everyone gasped as she walked in and stood at the front to face them. She tried to pick Jack out of the crowd and saw him skulking at the back. So like him, she thought fondly.
"I… I'm sorry everyone. I'm… the wedding is cancelled. I'm so sorry." She stared into Jack's eyes as she spoke and could see the look of bemusement in them even from there. "I don't want the food and drink at the reception to be wasted so if anyone wants to go you are more than welcome."
What? Thought Jack. She'd been looking right at him when she said it. What? He was confused. Sam ran out of the room, leaving a puzzled crowd, and Jack wanted to follow but sat in stunned silence instead. The crowd started whispering again, and the talking got louder by the second. They were all in shock. Some started to leave, others were still too surprised to move.
In a daze he hardly noticed when Jacob touched his arm and Jacob had to shake him hard to get his attention.
"Jack?"
"Oh, Jacob… I…"
"Come with me."
Jack got up and followed him, still bewildered, unaware of the strange looks people gave him as he walked past them with the bride's father. Daniel tried to attract his attention again but Jack continued to ignore him.
"Jacob, what's going on?" He asked. Jacob smiled at him encouragingly.
"Don't be so dense Jack."
"I… well I…" Jack stammered, and then shrugged helplessly.
Pete and his best man were standing in the corridor. If looks could kill Jack knew he'd be a dead man. He stopped.
"I didn't mean… I never wanted…" He started, unable to finish what he wanted to say. Pete was visibly upset; no surprise there.
"Sure O'Neill." He said nastily. "And why would I believe that?" Who could blame him. The poor guy had just been jilted. How would he feel in that situation?
"I… I'm sorry." Jack managed to stutter as Jacob pulled him almost bodily down the passageway, opening a door at the end and pushing him through it. Sam was inside with Cassie, her maid of honor, who got up to leave and pecked him on the cheek on the way out.
"Way to go Uncle Jack." She whispered, smiling and winking at him. He blinked, still disbelieving of what was going on. Sam stood to meet his gaze.
"Jack? Aren't you going to say anything?"
Now he was here she was frightened. Yesterday he'd rejected her advances, but had also told her he loved her. Those were words she had never heard from him before. What if he hadn't meant it? What if he'd changed his mind? What if all this was for nought? No, that couldn't be. Pete wasn't the right man, he never had been. She knew that now and was angry with herself for being so blind and stupid.
"I'm… I'm confused Sam."
"Me too." She lifted her hand to stoke his hair then pulled him into an embrace.
"You're right Jack, I'll regret it forever if I don't give us a chance. I love you. I want you. I've been a fool. Can you ever forgive me?"
It was her greatest fear, that he would be unforgiving and turn his back on her, out of sheer pigheadedness, if nothing else. That was like Jack. But he leaned into her embrace, returning it by putting his own arms around her, squeezing her tightly. He breathed in her intoxicating scent, reeling with the smell and the enormity of this situation. She loved him? She'd just said she loved him. His heart soared with happiness, the pain that had lurked within for so long almost gone in that instant.
"I thought he was my shot at happiness, a family, normality. But he isn't, you are."
"Normality Sam? Me? This is Jack O'Neill you're talking about, remember?" He looked into her eyes trying to fathom their depths.
"I know I hurt you Jack. It was unforgivable. You should hate me. I deserve it. I was… I can't believe how stupid I've been. I… you…" He stopped her words by holding his finger to her lips, and then stroked her cheek, his finger following her jaw line, never once removing his eyes from her.
"God Sam, there's nothing to forgive. I love you. We'll make it work, I promise."
Then he kissed her with all the passion he felt. She literally wobbled from the shock, breathless. How could she have been so dumb as to nearly miss her chance with this man? Jack pulled away and smiled.
"Are you sure this is what you want?" He asked.
She nodded and, seeing the love in her eyes, his heart was filled with hope once more and was fast on it's way to mending.
"Why did you change your mind?"
"Last night I knew… I guess I always knew but was in denial. Jack I hardly understand it myself. Dad helped open my eyes."
"Jacob? How?"
"By reminding me that I love you, and you love me. Simple."
He wished it was that simple. Maybe it had suddenly become that simple. Way to go Jacob! Only brief minutes before he'd believed he could never be happy again, that he'd lost her forever. Now here he was holding her in his arms. It was incredible. He kissed her again but they were interrupted by a knock on the door and Jacob poked his head round.
"Sorry to disturb you two love birds but if we want to make it out of here alive I suggest we leave soon by the back entrance the Pastor just showed me. Shenanigan's relatives are starting to look like the ravening horde." Jacob had overheard that nickname used at the SGC and thought it rather appropriate; he didn't trust the guy any more than Jack did.
"Did everyone know that nickname apart from me?" Sam asked, slightly put out by the fact. Jack and Jacob both nodded a response and laughed.
On the way out Jack grasped Jacob by the arm.
"Jacob, I owe you big time." Jack smiled at him.
"I just want my girl to be happy Jack. You're the one that's gonna do that."
"I hope so."
"I know so." Jacob pulled Jack into a fatherly hug.
"Can I call you dad?" Jack asked, tongue firmly in cheek.
Sam tittered, smiling sweetly at Jack, and Jacob joined in the mirth. She took Jack's hand and led him towards the car that was waiting out the back to whisk them away. Not too late after all, it seemed.
/The End/
Story Notes: Email: su_freund@ficwithfins.com
Website: http://www.ficwithfins.com/
Status: Complete
Category: Angst, Romance
Pairings: Sam & Other, Jack & Sam
Spoilers: Chimera
Season: 8 or future
Sequel/Series Info: None
Content Warnings: Mild language and references to sex.
Copyright © 2004 Su Freund
Archive: My site, Jackfic yes, SJD yes, Gateworld, FanFiction Net
Author’s Note: Eternal thanks to Bonnie for her beta reading of this fic. As always, the fic is much better for her comments and corrections. All remaining errors are purely my own. Illustrating this fic on the Fic With Fins site is a wonderful photo manipulation by Jodie Marie, made into a lovely book cover by Fulinn28, so it's worth a visit if you like fanart. Here's the link:
http://www.ficwithfins.com/su%20fics/Ship/Series/Understandings/um12_cover.htm
Website: http://www.ficwithfins.com/
Status: Complete
Category: Angst, Romance
Pairings: Sam & Other, Jack & Sam
Spoilers: Chimera
Season: 8 or future
Sequel/Series Info: None
Content Warnings: Mild language and references to sex.
Copyright © 2004 Su Freund
Archive: My site, Jackfic yes, SJD yes, Gateworld, FanFiction Net
Author’s Note: Eternal thanks to Bonnie for her beta reading of this fic. As always, the fic is much better for her comments and corrections. All remaining errors are purely my own. Illustrating this fic on the Fic With Fins site is a wonderful photo manipulation by Jodie Marie, made into a lovely book cover by Fulinn28, so it's worth a visit if you like fanart. Here's the link:
http://www.ficwithfins.com/su%20fics/Ship/Series/Understandings/um12_cover.htm
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]