Jack sighed sadly, following it with a groan; another Christmas, another lonely vigil, remembering, getting depressed. He had started to hate Christmas. Without a family or friends to surround him on the big day he was cold and empty. Christmases used to be fun and he loved them, but these days they mostly sucked. Everyone else seemed to be doing something, somewhere, but always without him. No, siree; Jack O'Neill was home alone, as usual. Either that or he was at the SGC, moping around the halls that were also empty, staffed only by a minimal crew.
Christmas Eve. He should be doing something about decorations and Christmas cheer but didn't feel up to that task.
'Let everyone else enjoy it,' he thought, 'I'll just sit here quietly and pretend it doesn't exist.'
Jack decided he'd probably go into the SGC next day, Christmas day, although he wasn't really required and was on call anyway. He didn't have anything better to do except sit and slob around at home getting maudlin. He might as well get maudlin while ploughing into some paperwork, which was an omnipresent force in his office. At least he could do something useful while miserable.
It was times like this when Jack realised how few friends he really had. Daniel, Teal'c and Carter were all away for Christmas somewhere or the other. He believed Carter was visiting her brother and his family; Teal'c was going to see Ishta and get what was coming to him, lucky sob; as for Daniel, he'd been a touch obtuse about his whereabouts but Jack knew he wasn't planning to be in Colorado Springs.
They weren't the only people that Jack counted amongst his friends, but they were the closest he had to family, and his closest friends, these days. His other friends weren't the sort one might spend Christmas with. They had their own families, kids, and Christmas rituals; they didn't need one General Jack O'Neill hanging around to spoil their fun.
"Who would want to spend Christmas with a melancholy bastard like me anyway?" Jack pondered.
When Charlie was alive, Christmas was the best time of year, particularly once he'd got old enough to appreciate the rituals - and presents. He got lots of them. Jack and Sara spoiled him, and so did their family and friends. The light in Charlie's eyes, the smile on his face, delighted Jack. He loved his son very much. But then he'd killed him and nothing would ever be the same again; certainly not Christmas.
It was a long time ago. Once he'd told Daniel that sometimes he could forget but never forgive himself, and that was still as true now as it had been then. Christmas was one of those times of year that brought it all back to him.
Wide-eyed horror at the sound of the gunshot, which reverberated around the neighbourhood: startling, loud, ominous, lethal.
Dread, shock, panic while waiting for the ambulance, and at the hospital. At heart Jack had known the outcome as soon as he saw his son; he'd seen this kind of dying before but it was unacceptable - this was his son.
The worst that could happen: death. Their beautiful, bright, precious son. Their sunshine, their night and day, their life: so alive and life giving, but no more. Never to see those shining eyes, that happy smile, or hear that infectious laugh; never to play together, hold each other, comfort him in pain, celebrate with him in victory; never to see him grow up, fulfil his potential, see what he could become; never to see him happy with a wife and children of his own. It was impossible, unbearable, the most terrible and shocking of all nightmares.
Devastation, culpability, his wife's hysterical tears and his own withdrawal and slide into oblivion. Jack had nearly died himself, had wanted to, but lacked that ultimate courage. Instead he had died inside, killed love, hope, faith, and along with that his marriage and some good friends. He had lost the woman he had loved above everything, except for his son. He lost his reason for living, for feeling. He became numb, cold, distant, unyielding and barren.
Jack would re-live that nightmare, torturing himself for his stupid, but simple, mistake. It had changed his life irrevocably.
Before Charlie, the Christmases he'd spent alone with Sara had been real sweet. They would cosy up together by the fire, eyes for nothing but each other; crazy in love. One of their rituals became making love by that fire, seducing each other slowly, savouring every touch and the feelings they engendered. That got more difficult when Charlie was born, but they'd always managed to make love somewhere and somehow on Christmas day - when Jack could contrive to be home. Occasionally he missed it altogether, stuck in a rat hole in some godforsaken place doing his duty.
He missed those Christmases with Sara a lot. Not so much the great sex, but companionship and love. Sara had loved him so much and he'd managed to screw that up. It was one of the biggest losses of his miserable existence, except for Charlie, and maybe his own innocence. He missed that too sometimes, wishing he wasn't the jaded, cynical, hard bitten man that he'd become.
A sad sigh signalled Jack's longing to have his friends around him, people to help him forget, warm his soul, comfort him, even if they would never realise that's what they did. Each year he bitterly regretted that he didn't just say to SG-1, "Hey, let's get together this Christmas!" They'd been together more by luck than good management, but never planned it. He'd do anything to see them right now.
Taking another sip of scotch he stared blankly at the TV, seeing nothing of what played out on that small screen. Sounds of singing moved towards his house. Crap! Carol singers! Jack was so not in the mood for cheerful faces, singing their hearts out and smiling brightly, collecting for whatever charity it happened to be. He wasn't feeling particularly charitable right now. In fact, he was feeling downright anti-social. 'Why can't they leave me alone to get miserable?" he asked himself, 'I like miserable.'
There was nothing like a good wallow to satisfy the forlorn soul that was Jack O'Neill. He tried not to indulge that side of him too frequently - life's is too short - but Christmas had become an honorable exception. Often he would just allow himself to sink into the deepest gloom and take perverse pleasure in it.
He didn't deserve better, or that's what he told himself as he spiralled out of control. A guy has to let himself go sometimes. You can't keep it all bottled up indefinitely, otherwise you blow. Jack was a skilful and dedicated bottler upper and blowing was something he would not allow to happen. Instead he let off a lot of steam over a very short period and then brought himself back from the brink thinking, 'shit happens, get over it O'Neill!' And he would; until the next time.
The volume of the singing increased as the revellers approached his door, and he decided he couldn't ignore it, which would merely prolong the agony. The quicker he opened the door, the quicker he got rid of them.
"Deck the halls with boughs of holly,
Fa la la la la la, la la la la.
'Tis the season to be jolly,
Fa la la la la la, la la la la.
Don we now our gay apparel,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Troll the ancient Yuletide carol,
Fa la la la la la, la la la la!"
Sheesh! It had to be that song? It was just too cheerful for words. Jack needed a decent dirge. Reaching for some cash, he quickly walked to the door and opened it. His visitors stopped singing and looked at him expectantly. Jack was open mouthed with amazement: Carter, Daniel, and Teal'c beamed at him happily.
"Kids?" Jack was so stunned, it was about all he could think of to say. He felt a lump in his throat, genuinely moved by their visit.
"Merry Christmas, Jack!"
"Merry Christmas, Sir!"
"Merry Christmas, O'Neill!"
The three chirped simultaneously. Had they been practising? Jaffa don't even celebrate Christmas. Maybe that was why most of them were such serious and gloomy bastards who couldn't even raise a smile. Teal'c was the exception to the rule. He'd turned a little native, which was a good thing as far as Jack was concerned. He'd always admired and respected Teal'c but over the years he'd grown to like the big guy, a lot. He was one of the best friends a man could ever want or hope to encounter in a lifetime. Yet the guy had never even called him Jack, still insisting on O'Neill after all these years.
"Ummm. hello?" Jack cocked an eyebrow, still unable to believe the vision in front of him. "Watchya doin'?"
"Standing freezing our butts off on your doorstep Jack." Daniel said sarcastically. "Aren't you gonna invite us in? Anyone would think you weren't pleased to see us."
The latter was spoken in jest, although Daniel knew that it might easily be true; all three of them did. Their CO could be a little unpredictable about those kinds of things.
"Maybe I'm not!" Jack muttered grumpily, belying what he felt inside and stepping aside to let them pass.
"Actually, Sir, we've got some things in the car we need to bring in." Carter announced.
"Oh? Need help?" Sam nodded so he followed them outside. They were right, it was cold.
The lump in his throat grew ever bigger as he saw what they had stored in the car. There was a tree, decorations, balloons, food and drink. He was wide-eyed with disbelief as they emptied the car's contents and carried it all into his house.
"I thought you were all goin' away this Christmas." He said, clearly a little choked.
"Yeah, that had you fooled didn't it?" Daniel grinned.
"You mean you planned all of this?"
"Erm. yep."
"Sweet!"
Surprise party? Jack had always claimed to hate them but secretly harboured the desire that someone hold one for him. This was it. Double sweet!
"How did you know I didn't already have decorations up?" He asked.
They said nothing but their expressions spoke volumes. 'You need to ask? Go figure!' their faces said. Was he really that transparent to them? Maybe - sometimes. They'd worked together for a long time, close knit and each reliant on the others, so they knew him better than anybody, better than his own wife had known him. At least they knew about as much of him as he cared to reveal, probably more, but much remained hidden and might stay that way forever.
"So, drinks while we put up decorations guys?" Sam asked merrily as she sorted through the baubles and lights for the tree.
Jack really warmed to the occasion as they hung the decorations, laughing, joking and ribbing each other mercilessly. It was like another day at the office, except more so, and actually relaxing instead of filled with stress and anxiety.
A number of times Sam and Daniel ended up in fits of hysterical laughter, particularly after the tree landed on top of them both, baubles, lights and all. Even Jack was laughing, not something he frequently did; he smiled a lot but true laughter was rare. Teal'c also looked amused on occasion, joining in the banter and silly games like someone who celebrated Christmas every year.
When they'd finished, the house was alive with decoration; more alive than it had been for a long time. The tree looked beautiful, it even had a few presents lying around it, including those he'd given to his team before they'd "left" for Christmas vacation. He had never even suspected he'd see them tonight. This was a great surprise and it made him very happy. His mood had almost totally turned around from his earlier depression.
They sat back and admired their handiwork, munching on the crisps and nuts that were amongst the goodies SG-1 had brought along.
"I can't believe you guys have done this!" Jack exclaimed happily.
The team were delighted by his reaction, fearful that he'd snap at them when they arrived and have nothing to do with their plans.
"Hey! Where's the angel to go on top?" Jack suddenly noticed its absence.
"Oh! I forgot." Carter reached into her bag and pulled out a perfect angel, which glistened in the light. Jack thought it looked a little like her.
"Nice!" Jack exclaimed, "I'll get it." He placed the angel on top of the tree and surveyed it. "Perfect." He declared.
"Whoops, forgot something else too." Sam recalled, moving a chair to the centre of the room and reaching up to fix something to the light fitting. He couldn't see what it was.
"Can I give you a hand Carter?" He asked. "What's that?"
"It's alright, Sir, I can handle it." She smiled sweetly and he suddenly saw what she was holding. It was mistletoe. Mistletoe? Wasn't that asking for trouble?
"Mistletoe, Carter?" A small amused smile appeared on his face. "Well, maybe later..." He winked, "More food anyone?" Jack left her grinning at nothing while he went through to the kitchen to get something.
"I might take you up on that General!" She called after him and he smirked to himself.
"I want a turn." Daniel pouted, jokingly.
"Can't wait to get you into a clinch Daniel." Teased Sam.
"Me also." Added Teal'c with a faint smile.
"Tell you what, you two can have each other. I'll take the General." She proclaimed with a twinkle in her eye as Jack walked back into the room with some hot sausage rolls.
"Take me where?" Jack asked, although he'd heard every word of their conversation.
"Sam's gonna get ya under the mistletoe later, Jack." Daniel kidded.
"Is she indeed?" he grinned amiably. "We'll see about that. I'll have to watch my back." He joked and Sam laughed, vowing she'd manage to get him when he was least expecting it.
"So," Daniel said, "who wants to watch 'Singing in the rain'?" he pulled a DVD out of a bag and waved it in the air.
"Where the hell did you get that, space monkey?" Jack asked, surprised that Daniel happened to have one of Sam's favourite movies with him. Jack's too, but no one knew that. He was a sucker for a good musical and 'Singing in the Rain' was one of the best.
"It's a long time since you called me that Jack." Daniel smiled at the memories. "Actually I borrowed it from Sam's DVD collection when she wasn't looking."
"You did?" Sam was surprised.
"I thought it might be fun. Watch, have a good laugh, good cry too, maybe a little singsong." Daniel replied, grinning mischievously.
"Singsong? Sheesh! Daniel, you must be a glutton for punishment." Jack said.
"I always thought we'd make a good barbershop quartet actually." Daniel smirked. "so how about it?" he rattled the box in his hand.
"Go for it Daniel." Sam chipped in, encouragingly.
"Teal'c?" Daniel looked at his Jaffa friend who was more of a sci-fi fan.
"I am content."
"Jack?"
Daniel eyed his friend and could see his eyes glittering with merriment. It felt good to make Jack happy. The team all knew that Jack was sad over Christmas, and understood a little of why he was. This year they had determined to make it a great Christmas for him, and had sacrificed their own arrangements to do so. Jack was worth making a few sacrifices for; he'd made them for everyone else over and over. Payback time!
"I'll manage to get through it." He moaned.
Why the heck didn't he tell them he loved the movie? Because Jack was a secretive guy and gave little away, that's why. He gave himself away anyway, however, by sitting with a big smile on his face throughout the movie. Sam and Daniel joined in with all the songs. Jack complained they ruined it and pretended he didn't know the lyrics. Teal'c genuinely didn't know the lyrics but quietly hummed along with the tunes, much to everyone's surprise.
He also gave himself away during the bad lip synch scene, mouthing 'No, no no!', 'Yes, yes, yes!' and clearly amused. Sam spotted him out of the corner of her eye, and smiled to herself, remembering that there was a lot more to Jack O'Neill than met the eye. Jack was like an iceberg which only showed its tip but was deep, as well as dangerous, beneath the surface.
After the movie, they munched yet more food. It was just gone midnight - Christmas day.
"Wanna open presents? Can we?" Jack cried gleefully, like an impatient little boy might cry on Christmas morning.
"We shouldn't open them 'til tomorrow." Daniel said
"It is tomorrow! What did you bring 'em here for if we aren't gonna open 'em?" Jack sounded a little petulant and Carter had to stifle a giggle.
"It's not tomorrow. It can never be tomorrow today because it's always tomorrow, tomorrow!" Daniel replied.
"Daniel!"
"We only brought 'em along to make the tree look pretty." Daniel said, trying to wind Jack up, but his friend noticed the glint in his eye.
"Ah! You got me!"
"We open one each now and the rest tomorrow."
"But I won't be seeing you guys tomorrow."
"Actually, Jack, I'm making dinner tomorrow. That's part of the plan. We kinda invited ourselves here for Christmas day too. I'm cooking."
Daniel looked a little awkward because he hadn't revealed this part of the plan earlier. He half expected Jack to be angry. Jack was protective of his privacy, and often of his aloneness too. Sam had urged Daniel to mention it earlier but he was worried it would ruin the evening if Jack didn't like the idea.
"Erm. what do you think, Sir?" Carter asked.
"Dinner? Tomorrow? Here?" The full depth of their deception was beginning to sink in and Jack was pleased. He was sooo in a better mood now than when he'd first heard carol singers on his doorstep. He'd spend his Christmas day in good company after all, and no damned paperwork! "Nice one Danny boy!"
"So you don't mind us taking over your house, or me moving into your kitchen?"
"Nope. Could be fun."
Jack smiled and the other three were pleased that their plan met his approval. It had been a risk, but turned out to be worth it. Their CO - friend - had been so preoccupied lately, the cares of the universe resting on his shoulders. They knew he missed the action and wasn't an office kind of guy. Although he played his role as "the man" in charge superbly, he'd been like a fish out of water, gasping for oxygen to enter its gills.
"But if tomorrow is not tomorrow then when does tomorrow come?" Teal'c intervened.
The other three looked at him open mouthed and realised from his expression that he intended it as a joke. Jack started to laugh and the others joined him, all three suddenly getting a fit of what might be called giggles. Of course they couldn't be those because Jack O'Neill is not a man given to giggling. Nevertheless, the noise coming from his mouth sounded very much like giggling. He would no doubt call it by some other name.
"Nice one T!" he exclaimed when he stopped laughing.
They decided to follow Daniel's suggestion and open one present each now, the rest when they all got to Daniel's place. Jack picked four almost at random and passed them out to the others.
"Okay, let's get to it!" he ordered, "Carter, you're up!
Sam smiled broadly as she opened her present, which was from Jack: a striking silver bracelet, its surface engraved with a simple, but nonetheless intricate and unusual, pattern. He'd been dying to see her face when she opened it but hadn't thought he would. Her expression told him that she was delighted.
"It's gorgeous. Thank you Sir." "You're welcome Carter. Knew you'd like it. Picked it up on P9Z. um. something, you know where I mean." He waved his arms dismissively because it didn't really matter where he'd got it. "Won't find another like it on Earth." Her grin broadened even further. "Not really sure what it's made of though."
"That's. that's great Sir. It's beautiful. I love it!"
He'd known she would as soon as he saw it and could not resist the temptation to get it for her. Alien currency not being something he usually carried around in his pocket, he'd exchanged chocolate and energy bars for it.
"Okay, which of you guys next?" Jack asked.
Daniel ripped open his package from Sam. He knew it was a book from its shape, but not what sort. It was bound in brown leather, soft and supple, with handmade paper inside and blank pages. On its spine were the gold embossed words 'The Journal of Doctor Daniel Jackson.'
"A journal?" he smiled as his eyes met Sam's and she nodded. "Neat!" He gave Sam a hug and kissed her cheek. "Thanks Sam."
"All handmade. I got to know a women in the bookbinding business. The traditional kind of bookbinding, that is."
"I can see that Sam. It's fantastic!"
Sam glowed because Daniel was so genuinely pleased, and she smiled inwardly. Tomorrow Daniel would discover that the present had another half; Jack had brought him a fountain pen, and sketching pencils, to go with it.
"Your turn then T!" Jack said delightedly. He was enjoying this enormously.
"Is it not your turn O'Neill?"
"I'll go last. It's my house!" Jack tossed his head in mock irritation.
Very carefully, Teal'c opened his gift. He was painstakingly slow and the paper hardly tore. The present was from O'Neill. He delicately set the wrapping to one side and opened the box that awaited him. It was a hat; a cowboy hat, which made Teal'c smile down at his boots. He had contrived to lose his last cowboy hat and had complained about that fact; as much as Teal'c ever complained about anything. Jack picked up the hint though. Teal'c grasped Jack's arm and bowed his head.
"Thank you my brother."
"Ummm. I know you miss your other one T. Hope you like it. Try it on."
Jack was a little flustered by Teal'c's words of thanks. He liked that brother thing but always felt slightly self-conscious about it, as if it was undeserved. It was high praise from Teal'c and Jack didn't take compliments well. His bravado and sarcasm hid a self-deprecating and modest nature.
Teal'c put the hat on.
"Looks good Teal'c." Sam said, and the others murmured and nodded their agreement.
It was Jack's turn at last and he gaily tore off the paper off his parcel, which was from Daniel. The others watched the expression on his face as he looked at it, trying to figure it out. He looked askance at Daniel.
"Zen Garden?" he queried.
"It's an executive toy Jack." Explained Daniel. "It's for the office. Zen gardening is good stress relief." Jack opened it and was exploring the contents. "The rocks represent mountains and the sand represents water. The patterns you create by raking the sand around the rocks are supposed to provide serenity. I thought you could do with some when you're avoiding your paperwork." He grinned. "It's got a little rake and a book of Meditations too." As was often the case, Daniel's natural enthusiasm made him get carried away.
"Cool!" Exclaimed Jack. "Just what I always wanted. I could do with some serenity. Thanks Space monkey. Maybe they should be standard SGC issue. Can you imagine me trying to persuade Hammond?" Jack's smile told Daniel that he was genuinely pleased with his off the wall idea for a present.
When it came to time for his friends to leave for the night, Jack stood in the middle of the room ready to see them off. Sam scampered up to him grabbing his arms and kissing him long and hard on the lips.
"Ummm. Carter? Watchya doing? I mean it's nice and everything, but."
He saw her look up. Without realising it he was standing right under the mistletoe. Jack looked a little embarrassed but grinned.
"Ah!"
"That was a thank you, Sir. We've had a great Christmas Eve. And thank you for the bracelet too. I really do love it."
"It's me who should be thanking you guys." Jack responded.
"We are your friends, are we not, O'Neill?" Asked Teal'c.
"Sure, T."
"Then I do not believe that thanks are necessary." The big Jaffa stated matter of factly.
Jack smiled broadly at the three team mates.
"Merry Christmas kids!" He picked up his glass and raised it in tribute to them.
'I love Christmas,' he thought, 'such a great time of year!'
/The End/
Story Notes: Email: su_freund@ficwithfins.com
Website: http://www.ficwithfins.com/
Category: Angst, Humour, Christmas Fic
Content Warnings: Use of mild language
Pairings: None
Season: S8
Spoilers: Anything referring to Charlie and Sara O'Neill
Summary: It's Christmas Eve and Jack is feeling sorry for himself
Sequel/Series Info: None
Status: Complete
Copyright © 2004 Su Freund
Archive: My site, Jackfic yes, SJD yes, Gateworld, FanFiction Net, Jack & Sam's Pad.
Author's Note: Written in response to a challenge on Jack and Sam's Pad Yahoo Group - the challenger did not specify it had to be S&J ship, so it isn't (sorry Trish), although some canon-like flirting and S&J friendship make an appearance. It includes all the challenge words and phrasesIt includes all the challenge words and phrases:- angel, mistletoe, bracelet, Singing in the Rain and the phrase "Where the hell did you get that, Spacemonkey?"
Website: http://www.ficwithfins.com/
Category: Angst, Humour, Christmas Fic
Content Warnings: Use of mild language
Pairings: None
Season: S8
Spoilers: Anything referring to Charlie and Sara O'Neill
Summary: It's Christmas Eve and Jack is feeling sorry for himself
Sequel/Series Info: None
Status: Complete
Copyright © 2004 Su Freund
Archive: My site, Jackfic yes, SJD yes, Gateworld, FanFiction Net, Jack & Sam's Pad.
Author's Note: Written in response to a challenge on Jack and Sam's Pad Yahoo Group - the challenger did not specify it had to be S&J ship, so it isn't (sorry Trish), although some canon-like flirting and S&J friendship make an appearance. It includes all the challenge words and phrasesIt includes all the challenge words and phrases:- angel, mistletoe, bracelet, Singing in the Rain and the phrase "Where the hell did you get that, Spacemonkey?"
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]