samandjack.net

Story Notes: EMAIL: amelieallard@hotmail.com

CATEGORY: S/J UST, Sam/Pete (mentioned only), challenge response

SPOILERS: Grace, everything after Chimera.

SEASON: 8

ARCHIVE: The SJA, yes please. You can also find the whole thing at www.iquebec.com/stargatefics

This is a response to the Christmas challenge 2004.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This story was inspired by the great weather we've had here in Quebec during the last few weeks. Enjoy the winter people! The title was inspired by the great song "The Beauty of the Rain" by Dar Williams.

FEEDBACK: Definitely! I would love to know what you think.

Copyright Amélie Allard © December 2004


"Welcome back SG-1!"

It was still always weird to hear *him* say that, Sam decided as she walked down the ramp and took off her cap to ruffle her hair. Even though O'Neill was the commanding officer of the base, she hadn't really expected him to stick around waiting for them at this hour of the night. On Christmas night, no less. Their mission had really simply been a recon on P7O 898 and nothing extraordinary was supposed to happen. As it turned out, nothing had happened at all.

"Thank you sir."

He was waiting at the base of the ramp, hands on his hips. "So how was it?"

Sam exchanged a look with Daniel and Teal'c. "Ah…boring, sir. We actually all agreed on that so…you can imagine."

His lips only slightly quirked up, but a sudden glint illuminated his eyes. "So no captivating rocks, no fascinating advanced technologies, no interesting people for Teal'c to befriend… no…nothing."

Sam shook her head. "Nothing at all sir."

"You're right! Must have been boring."

"So Jack," Daniel started, "what are you doing here? You said you'd go home early tonight."

O'Neill's smile widened only slightly. "What, and miss your captivating reports?"

Daniel only stared so O'Neill smiled and turned to leave the gateroom, SG-1 on his heels. "Actually, Daniel, I'm kinda stuck here. As a matter of fact, we're all kinda stuck here. There's this huge blizzard over the mountain right about now. There's no getting outta here unless you're completely nuts or have some weird snow fetish."

"Oh."

"Do we know how long it'll last sir?"

O'Neill turned to Sam as they all made their way through the corridors. Why he was escorting them to the locker room was beyond her, but she was still curious to learn more about the apparent storm.

"They said a couple of hours more. Looks like we're gonna have to spend most of Christmas on base."

Sam winced. She didn't really mind being on base, she usually was most of the time anyway, but she and Pete had made plans for Christmas, and she knew he would be disappointed that she wouldn't be able to make it. After taking a shower, calling him was her next priority.

"Oh well," Daniel said, "I didn't have any plans anyway." He turned to Teal'c. "You?"

"Indeed I had none Daniel Jackson. Many humans of Earth enjoy this holiday, but I am not so familiar with the particulars as to celebrate it myself."

Daniel nodded quickly. "Right. Of course." They were approaching the locker room door now and O'Neill was still escorting them. Bored? They stopped in front of the door and Daniel turned to Sam and O'Neill. "What about you guys?"

Slightly uncomfortable, even after all these months of being with Pete, Sam threw a brief sideway glance toward O'Neill. He was staring intently at his boots, hands deep into his pockets. "Actually," she said, "I had something planned later today, but I guess I'll just have to postpone it until the blizzard passes."

Another quick glance towards O'Neill told her he was at least as uncomfortable as herself. The situation had been awkward from the start, but it was disturbing to think that it still was, even after all this time.

"Well you know me," O'Neill said suddenly, raising his head to look at Daniel but avoiding meeting her eyes, "I'm usually invited to a whole bunch of parties, so I guess I'll just have to cancel them all." He paused for good measure. "Damn."

Daniel smiled, recognizing the typical O'Neill sarcasm. "Yeah well, I'll go hit the shower and call it a night, I guess." He said as he opened the door to the locker room, "oh and merry Christmas!"

O'Neill looked at his watch. "Now I see why *you're* not invited to a whole bunch of parties! Cheap date! It's not even three o'clock!" He replied before the door shut on its own, not hearing Daniel's reply, if he had any. Teal'c followed Daniel into the locker room with a small smile but Sam remained behind with O'Neill without knowing exactly why. She desperately needed to change, take a shower and even get some sleep, but she didn't feel sleepy at all despite the fact that it was, as O'Neill had pointed out, almost three o'clock in the morning. Besides, she needed to wait for the guys to finish to get access to a shower. Knowing Daniel, that could take twenty to thirty minutes. And they say women take their time, ha!

O'Neill raised an eyebrow when he met her gaze and held it for a few seconds. He was definitely looking for some clues as to why she was still dumbly standing there, but in the end only said, "You hungry?" He turned on his heels before she could reply that, as a matter of fact, she was, so she followed him.

They walked to the commissary in silence and as it was the middle of the night *and* Christmas, most of the crew were off or sleeping in their quarters. The sound of their feet touching the concrete echoed in the empty corridors and it felt strange to be so completely alone in the SGC. Usually there were always so many people and so many things going on… They reached the mess hall a few minutes later. No one was there and the lights were off, but O'Neill walked in without even turning the lights on and went to get a cup of coffee, while Sam decided to just pick something from the vending machine. Someone had installed a small false Christmas tree in one corner of the room, and the little lights decorating it emitted a soft colorful glow around the room. O'Neill sat at one of the tables and sunk back into his chair.

Sam joined him as she observed him from the corner of her eye. She hadn't noticed earlier, but he looked tired, even in the dimmed light of the commissary. It wasn't very surprising considering the hour, but she knew it wasn't that kind of tired. He appeared..down. She took a bite of her sandwich, still trying to observe him without getting caught. Both his hands were holding the cup of coffee, as if to warm them, but he didn't drink from it. He seemed miles away.

Sam put down her sandwich. "May I ask what's bothering you sir?" She asked softly as she leaned her arms on the table, watching him overtly now. He raised his eyes briefly to hers and, after a quick eye contact, dropped them to his cup again. But a frown had appeared.

"No, nothing, I mean…I just..." He paused and his frown deepened. "It's Christmas." He stated finally as if this simple statement explained everything. And because she knew him, it kinda did. It was often said that Christmas was a holiday for people who had someone to love in their lives; father, daughter, brother or sister, lover or good friends, it didn't matter as long as you had *someone*. But Sam knew that he was mostly alone, except for the people on this base, and SG-1. She also knew without being selfish that the feelings they still harbored for each other, despite everything, were making everything harder than it usually was. It pained and saddened her that she couldn't be there for him, especially in times like this one, when he seemed so completely alone and tired of being the strong person that he always was. As she looked at him now, she didn't know what to do. And so, because it was the middle of the night, because they were completely alone, because the moment seemed so intimate in the dim lights of the little Christmas tree, and because there was nothing to say as everything had already been said, she stretched her arm across the table and slowly touched his hand.

He didn't move an inch from his position, his head was still lowered above his cup, but Sam noticed the sharp intake of breath and the sudden tensing of his body. Deciding to be reckless, her hand slowly turned his so that she could interlace their fingers. His hand felt warm from having rested on the cup of hot coffee and Sam relished in the contact, her eyes still riveted on him.

He raised his head slowly and when Sam met his eyes, she couldn't help a small gasp from escaping her lips. She had wanted to be smiling when he'd look at her, but found herself unable to. The frown on his face was gone, despite the fact that their hands were touching and caressing, but his eyes! She had never seen such raw emotion in them before and she was thrown off-balance by the intensity of his look. Pain, love, tenderness, sadness, bitterness, hunger…they were all there, and he was allowing her to see them. Her heart skipped a beat and then beat wildly and uncontrollably in her chest. The reality hit her like a truck and she felt a knot forming in her stomach What was she doing to this man? And to herself? She had thought to give him some sort of comforting touch, but she was really torturing him! They couldn't have each other! Why couldn't she just accept the damn fact! She felt tears prick her eyes, even though she couldn't tear them away from the intensity he was demonstrating. She was completely bewitched by brown pools and realized that she couldn't breathe, couldn't do anything. Except one thing.

She slowly drew back her hand.

The movement seemed to break the intensity of the moment and O'Neill lowered his head again, but Sam could see the bitter smile that touched his lips. He knew all too well why she had taken his hand in the first place, and why she was letting it go now. She watched him for a few more seconds, wishing she would know what to say or what to do. He seemed once again absorbed by the view of his cup, so she stood and threw the sandwich in the garbage from where she was standing. She wasn't hungry anymore.

As she passed by him, his hand caught hers and she stopped moving, breathing, walking…everything. She closed her eyes for a moment, and then lowered them to meet his. He was looking up at her from his seat, but then suddenly rose to stand before her, tall and so sweetly menacing. His face was mostly in the shadow, but his eyes seemed to sparkle.

"Don't go. Please." He sounded more vulnerable than she had ever heard him and the painful knot in her stomach intensified. The tears came back to her eyes so she averted her eyes and looked down, unable to witness all the emotions that she could see in his.

"Jack…" she whimpered softly as she shook her head, "you know as well as I do that…"

He cut her off. "Sam. Just stay for a couple more minutes." He paused and his hand gave hers a slight squeeze. "We can talk about unimportant stuff if you want, just…" he shook his head, "don't go."

Sam raised her eyes to his again and managed a little smile through the tears that were now flowing despite herself. She knew what he was doing, of course, and it was so sweetly Jack O'Neill that she was choked with emotion. After a moment she nodded and he seemed to expel the breath he was holding. But instead of sitting back down at the table, he tugged at her hand and led her to the far end of the room and sat on the floor, leaning his back against the wall. Sam followed him and sat close, but not close enough for their shoulders to touch. She was all too aware of his hand holding hers and of his weird mood, so she leaned back against the wall and rested her head against it. He let go of her hand.

"You and Pete had plans?" he asked suddenly, his tone light, but Sam could hear an entirely different tone under it.

"We had, actually. But since it's snowing like crazy, I'll have to cancel it. Or at least postpone it."

He nodded, still looking ahead or down at his hands in his lap. "At least we'll have a white Christmas." He said at last, and Sam was grateful for the small nudge he had given the conversation.

She smiled and threw him a look. "Yeah. That's kind of magical, isn't it?"

He met her eyes briefly and nodded, appreciating the truth of it. "It is."

"When we were kids and there was snow at Christmas, my mom always insisted we do something crazy outdoors, all the four of us, like play baseball, or do something that we'd never usually do with three feet of snow. We always ended up wet from head to toe and completely chilled, but laughing so hard our stomach ached."

He smiled slightly. "Sounds like fun."

Sam turned to him again. "It was." She observed him for a moment. "You wanna do that?"

His head snapped in her direction. "What, right now?"

Sam nodded, suddenly enthused by the idea. "Yeah! Right now!"

"Carter, it's not just snowing outside, it's blizzard…ing."

Sam's smile widened. "Makes the situation all the funnier." Still smiling, she extended her hand, and even though he was shaking his head disbelievingly, he took it firmly and followed her.

*******

That was it, Jack thought as he followed Carter through the base, she'd completely lost her mind! The smile on his face belied that last thought, however, as he put on his coat, scarf, hat and gloves. They'd decided to go to the little clearing on the mountain top as no one would be out there at this hour of the night, especially not in the middle of a blizzard.

Jack had remembered he had a Frisbee at the back of his truck – he was constantly on the verge of getting a dog, he'd explained – so they'd decided to try and play with it. Which was totally insane, considering the wind, the snow, the darkness and the cold. But that was the whole point, wasn't it?

They made it to the surface in silence, though both were excited at what they were doing. Jack was also amazed to realize that, even after little less than ten years of knowing her, he was still surprised to discover another side of Sam Carter's personality. She was always so professional, so focused, he rarely got to see the crazy side of her. But when he did, he was always amazed at the enthusiasm she showed. Especially as they were alone in this tonight. This was to be their own secret craziness.

"So", she turned to him as they reached the door. "You ready?"

How could he not be when she was smiling like that? He returned her smile as he zipped up his coat. "Sure. Always ready for some adventure." He extended his arm, "ladies first."

Her smile widened as she opened the door. A gust of wind and snow blew in, almost making it impossible for them to actually cross the threshold. Carter pushed harder against the door and held it opened long enough for both of them to venture outside.

It was dark, it was cold, but at least it was fun, Jack thought as they walked against the wind to get to the clearing. Jack had to close his eyes most of the time to avoid the snowflakes to hit his eyes. He grabbed Carter's arm as they kept on walking.

"May I say again that this is an absolutely insane idea?" He had to shout because the wind was blowing so forcefully it whistled through the trees and rose the snow that had already fallen.

Carter turned to him, and he knew somehow without seeing her expression - only her eyes weren't covered - that she was smiling. "My point exactly! Come on!" She urged as she took the Frisbee from his hands and ran a little farther across the field. As there was no moon, the only light came from the reflection of the sky against the snow, and Carter was only a moving shadow against the grayish snow. When she was far enough, he thought he heard her shout something to him and saw her throwing the Frisbee in his direction. However, either she was a truly poor Frisbee player or the wind altered the trajectory, because the Frisbee flew rapidly away into the woods and down the mountain. There was no use of getting a dog now, Jack thought as he watched it fly away without moving, about to give Carter the inevitable 'I told you so' look. But before he could even turn around to look in her direction, he felt something hit him with surprising force. He turned towards Carter with surprise and, seeing her shake the snow off her hands, he realized she'd just thrown a snowball at him.

"You're *so* gonna get it Carter!" He shouted as he jumped into motion and suddenly began running in her directions.

Apparently taken aback that he didn't try to throw a snowball at her, she stood unmoving as he ran towards her. There was only a foot or two of snow, so Jack's run wasn't too faltered and he ran at good speed. Seconds later – seconds too late, Jack thought with satisfaction – she realized what he was doing and screamed playfully as she started to run in the opposite direction. However, her long legs – Jack had certainly noticed them along the years – weren't a match for his and he soon caught up with her. When she realized it, she stopped suddenly and tried avoiding him by changing directions every few seconds.

Jack chased her this way for a few seconds, but suddenly caught her arm when he was able to predict her next move. She screamed playfully again when she felt his hand close around her arm, and bent to grab some snow to throw it at Jack. His hand still held her arm and he wasn't about to let her go, no matter how much snow she was throwing at him. He shuddered when some found its way to his neck and back.

She was laughing out loud now and, as she bent again, she tripped and lost her balance, taking Jack with her in the most ungraceful fall he had ever taken. They landed in the snow, Carter on her back and Jack beside her on his side. She was still laughing, but she had to close her eyes because of the snowflakes, so Jack rose up on his elbow to provide some sort of shelter. Her laughter was infectious, but Jack only managed to smile, partly because his mouth felt frozen by the cold.

"Told you you were gonna get it Carter!" He said, their closeness allowing him to speak at a normal volume.

Her laugh sobered a little as she looked up at him, as if realizing for the first time how close he actually was. In order to protect her from the snow, Jack had had to move closer and hover above her - only to protect her from the snow of course. She raised a gloved hand and lowered the scarf that was covering the lower part of her face, then proceeded to lower his. Her eyes still locked to his, her covered fingers brushed against his cheek. It wasn't the most sensual touch Jack had ever felt, but knowing that it came from *her* made him close his eyes. He was once again assaulted by a myriad of emotions that he knew he shouldn't feel, but he couldn't help it. And it seemed that she couldn't help it either. Suddenly everything but her disappeared; there was no more wind, no more snow, no more cold, only her, her sparkling eyes and delightful, albeit small smile.

Unable to resist, Jack took off one of his gloves with his teeth and his warm fingers then came in contact with the soft, cold and red-tinted skin of her cheek. Their breaths puffed between them, coming faster and faster. "Carter…" He half-warned, half-whispered, locking his eyes with hers, searching her expression for any sign of reluctance or refusal. When she nodded almost imperceptibly, Jack was doomed. There was nothing else to do for him but to breach the distance between them and kiss her.

******

It had been sweet, soft and more than agreeable, despite the blizzard that had kept on raging around them. But he had stopped it before it became demanding and had pulled away. Back safe and warm in the commissary, with him sitting in the chair beside her, Sam was now torn between her regret that it hadn't lasted longer, and her slight guilt at having let it happen in the first place. But she didn't *regret* that it had happened, and from what she could see, he didn't either. A warm cup of hot chocolate between his hands, hair ruffled by the hat and cheeks pink with cold, he now sat without any trace of the tiredness she had witnessed before. He looked relaxed and at peace and, if she hadn't known him as well as she did, she'd even said that a small smile was touching his lips.

Sam took a sip of her own hot chocolate as she observed him. "You do know nothing has changed, don't you?"

He turned his head to look at her, but the small smile was still present. "About what, you and me or you and Pete?" he asked bluntly, but he didn't look uneasy, as he had before when he'd addressed any of these subjects.

Sam held his gaze and shrugged slightly. "Both."

He looked away and nodded, but he seemed neither surprised nor upset. "I know."

Since he didn't seem inclined to say more, Sam continued. "And you do know I meant it… the kiss, despite everything."

He looked at her and nodded again. The smile hadn't widened in satisfaction, but a twinkle had made his eyes sparkle for a millisecond. "I know."

"But as it is, it *can't* mean anything." She added meaningfully, knowing he would understand.

This time he nodded without looking at her. He slowly took a sip of his beverage, then rested his cup back on the table in front of him. "I know that too."

Sam tore her gaze away and looked down at her hands. "Okay."

"I realized something tonight." He suddenly said, but she didn't dare raise her head towards him, so she couldn't see his expression or if he was even looking at her as he spoke. "I realized that, as much as I…" he stopped mid-sentence and Sam's head snapped up in his direction, but he was looking down at his cup. "What I mean is that I respect you Carter, and I respect the choices you've made," this time his eyes bore into hers. "And I respect the fact that you want to have a family, and just a semblance of a normal life. I can even appreciate that. I'm happy that you've found a way to get all that, and that you haven't let whatever feeling you have…for me, come in your way."

Sam tore her eyes away and looked down, but couldn't say anything. So he continued.

"I just want you to know, that I'll always be here for you no matter what happens. You're in here Carter," he pointed to his heart, "and you're not going away. Ever."

Sam nodded, but was unable to speak for a few seconds, afraid that if she did, the tears in her eyes that she fought so hard to keep in check would fall freely. She cleared her throat after a moment and gave him a sincere look. "Thank you."

He nodded and took another sip.

"But don't you want to move on too?" She asked. "Wouldn't you rather be free of these feelings and be able to have a family of your own? To move on?"

He seemed to think for a moment. "Right now, if it meant having to let go of the feelings I have for you, no. But it's not a matter of choice. I'm not free to decide. And as it is, the feelings seem to be here to stay. Whether I like it or not." He paused for a moment. "I'm not saying I would never try, but right now, tonight, I don't even want to."

Sam nodded, amazed at all that had been said, even if it didn't seem barely enough. She still had so many things she wanted to tell him, to acknowledge! Not to mention the strong urge to kiss him again.

"I just, wanted you to know that."

She turned to him and looked in his eyes, grateful for all that he had expressed, and having a weird feeling of déjà-vu. She smiled slightly.

"You know it's funny, I feel like we've had this conversation before."

He looked confused. "We haven't."

Sam sighed. "I know, but I think I've always known, somehow, that you felt this way. I think that's why I allowed myself to…try to get a life outside of this place."

He nodded, but a slow smile appeared on his face as he approached his cup to take a sip. "Yeah, I'm just so damn predictable."

Sam smiled. "I wouldn't say *that*, I think I just know you so damn well, there's nothing you can hide from me."

"Now there's a scary thought," he added playfully with a twinkle in his eyes.

Sam looked at her watch, it was almost 5:00. She leaned back in her chair and tried to stifle a yawn. O'Neill suddenly turned to her and raised his cup.

"To the magic of a white Christmas." He said seriously, and Sam knew that he meant it. Despite everything, he meant it.

She clinked her cup against his. "To a white Christmas."

The End



End Notes: No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't find a happy *happy* ending for this story... Sorry about that, it's really Sam and Jack's fault though...They're just so damn stubborn :) Thanks for reading anyway, and happy holidays! :)

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