"So, where's Daniel today?" Jack asked Sam as they had lunch together in the commissary.
"Don't know. The last time I saw him was about four hours ago when he said he was going to read his list mails. He'd got about a week to catch up on."
Jack grinned. "Do you think the list have found out about... you know? And they've got so excited they're posting *a lot*?"
Sam was about to answer when she noticed Daniel stagger into the room. He looked terrible. His eyes were bloodshot; his hair dishevelled. She waved to him and he walked over and collapsed into a chair next to Jack. He glared at Sam and Jack through narrowed eyes. "If you two *ever* pull a stunt like that again, warn me first, will you?"
Sam and Jack looked at each other. "They found out," they said in unison.
"Oh yeah, they found out! 1147 messages since Friday night!" He took off his glasses and rubbed his hand across his face. "They're very happy, by the way. And so am I." He smiled at his friends as he put his glasses back on. "But there is a problem...."
"How could there be a problem?" asked Jack. "What we said on that mission was all they've ever dreamed of."
"It's not them, it's the newsgroup."
"What's the newsgroup?" asked Sam.
"It's a general forum that discusses our missions. There's a lot of people over there who really aren't happy."
"Why not?" Sam was baffled.
"They say you've ruined the team dynamic."
"But we've felt like this for ages. How come finally saying something makes a difference?" added Jack.
"They didn't see it coming. They keep saying how it's against regulations."
"Well, tell me something I don't know!" mumbled Jack under his breath. "For crying out loud, I said I cared more than I should. It's not as if we did it on the briefing room table, we just admitted our feelings. What do they want, a military automaton with no emotions?"
"I guess..." Daniel took the coffee Sam offered him and had a large swallow. "Oh, and they hate your hair too. But they say because it looks fluffy it makes you fluffy and they can no longer take you seriously as a soldier. And unlike the samandjack list, they didn't offer to send you a hairbrush."
Jack suppressed a snort. "Fluffy? FLUFFY? I've known fluffier piranha fish."
"That's ridiculous, it's only a haircut." Sam looked hurt and fingered her hair. She looked thoughtful for a moment. "What if I dye it purple and have it all spiky? That'll make them sit up and take notice!"
"No, please don't! I'm drowning in mail as it is!" Daniel took another swig of his coffee. "Oh there's one thing they all agree on though...."
"What?" asked Jack curiously.
"They all hate Tok'ra Spice with a vengeance."
"Tok'ra Spice? You mean Freya?" Sam laughed.
"Yeah, Tok'ra Spice, Tok'ra Barbie, Seven of Tok'ra... Take your pick. She's universally disliked. Mainly for her style of dress." He glanced across at Jack. "And the list have taken the fact that Freya likes you and Anise likes me as incontrovertible proof that she's a symbiont short of a blending." They all sat in silence for a moment, then Daniel continued, "Oh, and there was something *really* weird on the newsgroup. A guy called Brad Wright had written in and said you weren't going to have a romance."
"Who's he?" asked Jack.
Sam frowned. "The name seems familiar."
Daniel shrugged. "Well, they've taken him seriously, anyway... whoever he is. The list want their members to write to him saying they're in favour of you two getting together."
"I know who he is!" Sam exclaimed, slamming her hand down on the table making the coffee cups rattle. "Brad Wright is the janitor who cleans the locker room!" Jack still looked puzzled. She elaborated. "You know, the guy who's always leaning on his mop."
The colonel nodded in recognition. "Do you think he's been eavesdropping when we've been in there?"
"God knows," said Daniel wearily, "but I think he could have a future in politics. His mail was so vague as to be virtually meaningless. But everyone was happy because they saw what they wanted to see in it."
"So, was there anything else?" asked Jack.
"Well, the list are looking forward to our next mission. They've heard some very interesting rumours..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two weeks later.....
Jack breezed into Daniel's office, hands in pockets, whistling quietly to himself. His friend was hunched over an artefact, prodding it gently with a small knife. Nothing new there. But as he stepped into the room what really got his attention was the small, fluffy teddy bear sitting on top of the computer monitor. That was strange. When had Daniel acquired a soft toy? It wasn't really his kind of thing, Jack pondered. A gift from a girlfriend perhaps? But who? Janet? He smiled. She had been enthusiastic in her pursuit of the reluctant archaeologist. The teddy's eyes seemed to follow him as he walked across the room towards Daniel. He gave it a sideways glance and said, "So, buddy.... what's up?"
Daniel looked up. "Analysing this," he mumbled.
Jack sighed. His friend didn't seem to be in the mood to talk. "Anything good on the list?"
Daniel put the knife down and turned to Jack. "Yes, as a matter of fact. Goodness only knows how they did it but the list found out what you'd been up to in all those time loops. It was... enlightening."
"Oh." There didn't seem much else to say under the circumstances. He'd honestly thought his secret was safe. What had Daniel said in one of the loops? No consequences.
"I think letting me get knocked over in the corridor was kind of mean, Jack."
Jack shrugged. That wasn't the incident he was worried about. "Has Sam read the mails?"
"Not yet but I'm sure she'll find out." Daniel frowned at Jack. "What were you thinking of? Kissing her when you know she won't remember it. It's hardly gentlemanly is it?"
"She was more than willing at the time," protested Jack. "And we didn't contravene any regulations, I resigned every time."
"*Every* time?"
Jack felt himself turning red. So the list hadn't worked out just how many times he'd kissed Sam? Daniel glared at him. He felt himself shifting uncomfortably under his friend's scrutiny. He tried to force a smile. "Can you blame me?"
Daniel wearily shook his head. "The list speculated something like this could have happened but they had no proof." He picked up the knife and turned it over and over in his hands, momentarily lost in thought, then suddenly looked up at Jack. "They also speculated that you went a hell of a lot further than a kiss."
"WHAT!!" Jack was outraged. "I wouldn't... I couldn't do that to her... I want our first time to be special... Hell, I *want* her to remember it!" He opened and closed his mouth a couple of times, at a loss for something else to say. "I'm going to write to Ness."
"You seriously think that will help?"
"She is the List Mom."
Their conversation was interrupted by Sam and Teal'c walking in, both holding small fluffy toys. Sam held an unbelievably cute pink elephant and Teal'c had a yellow duck with an improbably orange beak balanced very carefully on his outstretched hand. The Jaffa seemed fascinated by the toy.
Jack glanced at the teddy again, which still seemed to be watching him, then asked the obvious question. "What's with the menagerie, guys?"
Sam beamed at him. "Haven't you heard? The clones have had their baby. These are gifts for the little guy."
"Yeah," added Daniel. "We're going to visit them in the infirmary later. Want to come?"
"I guess," said Jack doubtfully. He licked his lips. "What have they called the baby?" He really didn't want any more 'Jacks' running around the base.
Sam and Daniel exchanged a look, but before either of them had chance to reply, Teal'c spoke. "Martouf George."
Jack looked puzzled. "Martouf I can understand. It's a nice way to remember him. But *George*? The general thinks the clones are a figment of my imagination."
"Not any more, Colonel." The familiar Texan accent made Jack swivel round towards the door. Sg1 stared at the general, completely lost for words. "I have been corresponding with a lovely young lady called Vanessa. She's explained a lot."
"Vanessa?" muttered Jack to Sam.
"I think he means Ness."
"Oh."
The general continued, "I'd like you all to know that I now belong to samandjack *and* danandjan. So you won't be able to do *anything* without me knowing about it." Hammond smiled benevolently. Jack was reminded of the saying 'the cat that got the cream'. He groaned inwardly. They were well and truly busted. Hammond carried on. "Those lists are the best source of intel I've ever come across. I've been particularly impressed by their ability to find out about missions before you've been on them."
Sg1 just stared at him, totally speechless.
"Well, I have to go and see Wright, the janitor. He's been receiving sack loads of mail, then reading it when he should have been cleaning the locker room. I'll see you all at the briefing later." The general turned to leave, then hesitated. "By the way, if you haven't read the 'What should have happened series' by AQ, I can thoroughly recommend them. They're most... entertaining."
They watched the general leave then Daniel broke the uncomfortable silence. "I've often wondered how the list find out about missions before we've been on them."
"Yeah, weird," agreed Jack. He glanced across at the computer, trying not to look at the teddy bear. "Anything we should know about coming up?"
"We get our memories wiped."
"Sounds fun."
"Do we get them back?" asked Sam.
"Don't know. The rest of the posts were speculation which ranged from Sam being with me to you two... doing an AQ scene."
Jack cleared his throat. "Who *is* AQ? I've got a bit behind with my reading."
"She writes most entertaining stories for an adult audience," said Teal'c solemnly. "She is most prolific."
Daniel smiled. "Yeah, part of her sig line is 'plots are overrated'."
Jack raised his eyebrows. "I'll have to check out the archive."
"Have a cold shower running, sir," added Sam, then instantly wished she hadn't said it and went bright red.
"Oh, there was something else," said Daniel. "They seem to think you're going to marry a guy called Joe."
"I'm betting they're not pleased about that," said Jack, who wasn't pleased about it either.
"I don't know anyone called Joe," protested Sam.
"Sure you do," said Jack, "Joe Mallozzi."
"Who?" Sam was baffled.
"He washes the dishes in the commissary." Then he added under his breath, "I'll be keeping an eye on that guy...."
The End.
Story Notes: Danny Lurks 13: Author's notes: I know it's been a while... but here's the next one in the ever-lengthening series! Some members of samandjack will probably recognise the first part of this as something I posted to the list in response to the fuss about D&C a couple of months back. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]