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"It ain't about the money, it ain't about the time,
It ain't about the love you lost or the things you think
you left behind, It ain't about your losing streak, makes
you feel like you're falling apart, What matters is your heart."
~ Edwin McCain, "What Matters"
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I finally manage to evade the women trying to 'catch' me... and I do it by fleeing to the men's room. It's empty; obviously everyone else is having too good of a time to worry about bodily functions. It'll only be later when their bladders catch up to their brains.
The reception's being held in a nice hotel, meaning there's an equally nice marble countertop I find myself perching on, rubbing the palms of my hands hard against my face. Almost on impulse, I turn and grimace at my reflection in the mirror: not at the gray hair or the monkey suit Rick has me decked out in, but at the face of a coward.
It's so frustrating, and so goddamn stupid, and the only person I can even consider blaming is myself. Even Richard Pike isn't totally at fault here. Sam is a brilliant, beautiful woman, and I knew the moment I met her that she was the kind who, with a little work, could get any man she wanted. She'd certainly gotten me without any work at all.
Until six months ago, if you had asked who I was closest to, who I had the most in common with, whose company I enjoyed the most, I would have answered you: "Carter." And though I'm just assuming here, I believe that if you had asked her the same thing, she would have given you my name. She's very close to Daniel, of course, but they've always been more fraternal than anything. Being military, Sam and I share something that Daniel doesn't. I don't know exactly what that is, but it's there.
In fact, it's always been there. She walked into the room on that fateful day, so long ago, and faced down Ferreti, Kawalsky... and me. And she didn't flinch. She kept up physically and outran me mentally on the return trip to Abydos. She was annoying, but charming at the same time, with a kind of innocence, openness, willingness to learn that was breathtaking.
On the mission to the Shavadi, she held her own, made me proud.
She also made me realize that she wasn't just "Sam"... she was "Samantha". She was a very beautiful woman, and despite every ounce of military training I couldn't help but develop a... a crush on her. Like you'd have a crush on a movie star, or maybe a teacher. Someone more. Someone you would never have. So I stuck with neutral "Carter" where I could. And she stuck with my rank. Safe. Friendly. Respectful.
But when she - we - were infected in the Land of Dark with the "Broca virus" - as Janet termed it - suddenly she wasn't so unreachable. Suddenly she was right here in my arms, telling me she wanted me, asking if I wanted her, putting me through a roller coaster of emotions. Yes, I wanted her. But I couldn't have her. It was impossible. Forget military regs. She was smart, sweet, young. I was just a grizzled dumbass of a soldier. I had nothing to offer. There was no conceivable reason for her to want me.
And I think, had it been left like that, everything would have been okay. Once I had seen some of Carter's fallacies, reassured myself that she was real, mortal, that she didn't know EVERYTHING... well, then I would have felt a bit better, and the schoolboy crush would have faded. It always fades. You meet the object of your affection, a movie star, in real life, and she turns out to be a bimbo or a bitch. Your teacher snubs you or fails you and you realize she isn't a goddess. But with Carter, it never seemed to fade. Because of Daniel.
Maybe it wasn't his fault directly, but he's the one who stumbled into that whole alternate reality thing. He met the Jack O'Neill and Samantha Carter who were engaged to be married, and suddenly the only thing that came to mind was "It's against regulations". Not "Marry Carter, are you kidding me?" Not "Danny, you've got some wild imagination".
I thought, maybe it was just a fluke. In that reality, Daniel wasn't in the SGC. Sam was a doctor, not a officer. And they died. For us, they died. Obviously, in that 'alternate universe' something went wrong, and the Gou'ald invasion was fate's way of correcting the mistake.
And so life had continued. Time wore on and wore down and eventually I became more comfortable with Sam, telling myself to enjoy what time I could spend with her and not agonize about the more intimate time that perhaps a hundred alternate versions of myself were spending with her. I could settle. So what if there was virtually no chance of ever being on good terms with Sara... I didn't need a woman to be a man. In any case, I spent enough time with Daniel...
It was the second brush with reality - another alternate reality, actually - that broke things open like an overripe melon. A reality where we, or they, or WHOEVER, had been married. Another reality with a Doctor Carter, a ring, and a Gou'ald invasion. Not a fluke after all. I wondered if Hammond would object to me running an informal poll through all the 'forks in the road'. "Hey, all you Jacks... this is Jack... I was just wondering, how many of you are engaged or married to Sam Carter?"
But what difference could those answers possibly made? That was them, it wasn't us, and this tension was a one-way street. We were friends, and that was how it had to stay.
My first mistake came in all but offering to talk to Carter - my Carter - about how she felt having a 'double'. She'd initially brushed me off, but supposably later, after seeing what the other Sam had gone through in the way of 'temporal tremors' and whatnot, she'd started having nightmares. Nightmares of getting stuck in an alternate universe, one where she was alone, and put through that same hell.
Why she first came to me, and not Danny or Doc, I don't think I'll ever know, but I can guess that it's because I'd offered. She'd come to my office, and we'd sat side-by-side on the edge of my desk, and I'd listened to her talk, about the horror of her dreams, the guilt over living in a 'perfect world' where somewhere else, another her was a part of a living catastrophe. And I sat there, and listened, REALLY listened, and gave her a little hug that turned out to be a longer hug... and then I knew, I KNEW, that I was going to kiss her. Not that I wanted to compare her technique over that of her double's, I just REALLY wanted to kiss her. And at the same time I knew that if I did, it could quite possibly be one of the worst choices of my life.
So I made some lame excuse to leave and, embarrassed, thinking that I didn't care about her problems, she'd taken off. A few days later I heard through the grapevine that an airman had referred her to a Richard Pike, psychologist, to help her sort through the trauma.
So you see, it is my fault. If I wasn't such an ass, such a coward, such a selfish, libidinous bastard, she would never have met Pike.
"Hey, Jack? We..."
I open my eyes and see Daniel standing in the doorway. I glare. Somehow he manages to look very put-together in his suit. I manage to look like a grizzly bear someone managed to shove into a penguin skin. "What?"
He doesn't come in, remaining in the half-open door. From beyond him I can hear music and laughter. The wedding.
Daniel's pinched expression relaxes a bit, but I know what I see - pity - and I don't like it. "I'm sorry."
He's not apologizing for anything in particular, I know. He's just consoling me on being an idiot. "What is it?"
Daniel squirms. "A call from the base. Something about one of Sam's experiments going haywire. Hammond, Janet, Sam and I are going back..." he trails off, and I jump from the counter. The hotel's not all the far from the base, thank God.
This is just what I needed. Work. Even if it's not my field, it's something to take my mind off my soap-opera life. Things are looking up.
But Luck is still a bitch.
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The End.
Story Notes: The Whole Affair 5: Spoilers: POV
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]