Jack ponders his options in the showers.
It's been two weeks since the women returned from the Girls' Day Out.
They were in good humour as they walked down the ramp, laughing and chatting with each other, tanned and relaxed after their day on P6F-420. There was some initial coolness towards their male workmates, but apart from a few snaps at some guys who couldn't keep their smirks to themselves, it's been life as usual.
The General returned the day after, with his news from the Pentagon, and if he heard about his 2IC's unorthodox 'monitoring' of the women's day out, he hasn't said anything yet.
But in spite of the apparent lack of fallout, Jack is on edge.
He's waiting for the other boot to drop.
Carter's been normal. Almost frighteningly so.
She had only five words to say to him when she came through the gate, dressed once again in her fatigues and a light shirt. Behind her trundled the FRED with the UAV strapped down on top. "Big mistake, Colonel. Big. Huge."
He'd protested his innocence, she gave him the 'I wasn't born yesterday, sir, and I can read you like a book' glare. He subsided and she walked off. That simple.
Makepeace is convinced that nothing's going to happen. Whether that's because he believes that Jack's rank will confer immunity upon him or because he doesn't think the Major will carry through on her threat, Jack doesn't know.
What he does know is that it's coming. He can feel it in the air.
If only he knew what it was.
As he scrubs himself down under the stream of hot water, he contemplates throwing himself on Carter's mercy. Sure, she'll make him grovel, but she's not a cruel woman. Most of the time.
Anything would be better than the waiting.
He and several of the guys just spent the last hour in the gym, weights, jogging, boxing. There were a couple of people in the gym when they began, but by the end of that time they were the only ones in the room. Jack caught Peta Meridian openly eyeing him from her jogging machine, and she grinned at him, unabashed. He's noted several of the women giving him the 'once-over' lately. Like Captain Meridian, most of them aren't ashamed to be caught staring, they just grin. Like they know something that he doesn't.
*Okay, Jack, stop being paranoid. Girls' Day Out, Carter probably just made some comment about me on our SG-1 missions and the women are just associating it.* He hopes.
Out in the locker room it sounds like another SG-team has come in; there are lockers opening and closing all over the place. Maybe one team just came in and another is about to go out? He goes through the rotations in his head, SG-4 has been off-world for a day or two now, they're due back sometime today. He'd thought it was this evening - maybe they'd had to return unexpectedly. And SG-10 is due out in a couple of hours.
Rinsing himself off, he turns off the hot water for a couple of seconds, and feels the water run cool over his hot skin. After a workout, the hot shower stretches his aching muscles, but the brief feel of the cold against his skin is refreshing.
He reaches for his towel and dries himself off lightly, then wraps the fluffy material around his waist and walks out of the showers and into the locker room.
For a moment, he stares at the bench where he discarded his clothes, then frowns. The bench is bare.
"Someone's been cleaning up," Captain Connor remarks, coming out of his cubicle.
Major Devlin walks by them, towel wrapped around his waist, "Well, I'm not about to complain. We need a bit more house service around here."
Jack looks at Connor, then shrugs and goes to his locker.
A few feet away, Makepeace and Ferretti argue the issue of having non-military personnel on Stargate teams. Ferretti of SG-2 is arguing for; Makepeace of SG-3 is arguing against. Of course, Makepeace is a marine rather than Air Force, and he has certain prejudices towards the slightly less stringent regs of the USAF. It's why his team are all military, all marines, and all male.
Personally, Jack wouldn't give up his team for anything. Sure, things aren't perfect, but they work together better than any other team on the base. Daniel usually gets them into trouble, Sam usually gets them out of trouble, Teal'c usually provides the levelheaded observation, and Jack leads them back through the gate. Simple teamwork.
He shakes his head at the two arguing, and opens the locker door.
What he sees doesn't register with him for a few seconds.
His locker is more or less empty.
Sure there's his box of memories, and some little scrappy notes floating around. A miniature chess set, a handful of coins, bits and pieces, a tangled-up yo-yo, odds and ends.
Just no clothes.
No fatigues, no BDU, not even his civvie clothing.
Every scrap of material has been removed from his locker.
Uhhh. Not quite every scrap.
Hanging from the hook in the door is a very scanty, very bright red Y-front.
"Colonel." Connor appears around the corner of the row of lockers, "Are you a little short on clothing?"
In answer, Jack holds up the Y-front. Ferretti chokes, Makepeace stares, and Connor grimaces and holds up a lime-green scrap of material. "Thank God it's not just me!"
Makepeace lunges for his locker, and snarls as he starts riffling through the items there. He slams the door. "Nothing!"
"You've got to be kidding," Devlin of SG-6 sighs as he emerges from behind his locker door. "This is revenge for the UAV, right?"
"I think it's safe to say, 'yes, it is'," murmurs Ferretti, holding up a glittery blue strip of material from beside his open locker.
Connor shakes his head ruefully, "They say revenge is a dish best served cold. I just didn't think it would be this chilly."
Jack shuts the door. "Check the others."
No luck. The opening and closing of lockers was evidently the removal of anything that would fit a fully-grown male. There are some BDUs in the smaller sizes, but after a quick glance at the sizes of the fatigues and the men who need to fit into them, Jack gives up that train of thought. No way is he going to fit into a women's 'petite' size.
"All the women have removed their stuff from their lockers, sir." Makepeace reports. He looks grim. "You need to exert some control over that Major of yours, Jack."
"Let's get a few things straight, Makepeace. Carter does a great job out in the field, and you know it. She's one of the best officers this base has - male or female." He grimaces. "She's just got an inventive sense of revenge." Dammit, Sam!
"Humiliating, you mean." Makepeace's voice was almost a snarl.
"Well, what did you expect, Colonel?" Major Devlin asked, a half-smile crossing his features. "We spied on the women during their day off. You don't think they felt humiliated when they realised they were on display back here at the SGC? In bikinis, no less?" The smile broadens into a grin, "You *really* don't realise how concealing those fatigues are on most of the women. Major Carter's legs, anyone?"
"Alright, boys, that's about enough." He doesn't like the way this conversation is going, so he strides over to Carter's locker and yanks it open. She'll probably have left something behind to tell him that this is her revenge. Huh, as if he.hadn't.guessed.
His eyes bug and his thought processes grind to a halt.
Inside the locker, like a pin-up, is a poster-sized picture of Major Samantha Carter, USAF. She's lying back in a tiny black string bikini that flaunts every curve that *isn't* shown when she's wearing fatigues or BDUs. The sand around her is golden white, and glitters over her forearms where they rest on the beach. Blonde hair gleams in the sun as she tilts her head back, exposing the line of a throat that would make Gwyneth Paltrow jealous. The water lapping at her ankles is almost as blue as the eyes that look directly out of the picture at him with a smile that promises heaven.
Big beach, small bikini.
If he thinks Carter's good-looking in BDU's, she's positively magnetic in three triangles of black cloth, strategically placed and held together by nothing more than a few lengths of black string. And certain parts of his body are responding as they feel appropriate. Unfortunately, given that this woman is his subordinate, his team-mate, and one of his best friends, the response is completely *in*appropriate.
*Shit.*
No way is he going to be able to sleep tonight.
"Colonel?"
He slams the door shut and rests his forehead on it. "Nothing," he croaks.
But behind his eyelids is her smile.
*Eat your heart out, sir.*
Life is so unfair!
He's the commanding officer of a woman who can beat a man in hand-to-hand combat, develop a naquadah reactor that works, and look better in a skimpy swimsuit than any pin-up model.
Oh, he is *never* going to sleep again. Ever.
And no other man is going to see that poster. Nobody else is going to look at his Major dressed (or is it undressed?) like that!
"Nothing in her locker either," he mutters, getting himself under control, and looks up at the four men observing him with varying degrees of curiosity and annoyance. "We're screwed, guys."
"So we're clean out of clothing," Connor holds up the Y-front. His sense of humour is getting the better of him. Lucky him. "Except for these and our towels."
"No way, Captain," Makepeace snaps, eyes flashing. "No, never, not going to happen, not in a million years - NO!"
"Colonel, we're gonna have to get clothes from somewhere - probably our own rooms. We've got our towels, so at least we can walk out of here with most of our dignity intact. And I don't know about you, sir, but I'm gonna put these.things.on as insurance. For all we know, the revenge may consist of us walking down the hall in these towels, only to have them snatched from us." He grimaces. "I'd rather walk out in fatigues, but if I have to I'll do the towel-thing, and even walking to my rooms in *this* is a damn sight better than walking there butt-naked."
He's got a point.
Devlin and Ferretti look at Jack, and he sighs. "I guess we don't have much choice."
Reluctantly the men get into the skimpy underwear. "If anyone laughs they'll be eating my fist," Makepeace threatens.
Jack dares a glance, and quietly chokes. Makepeace in a glittering silver Y-front is definitely worth laughing at. He just hopes that he can hold it in until he gets to his rooms. Then, too, he hopes that he doesn't look as funny as Makepeace.
"If G-strings cause this much trouble for women, I will never ever ever ask my girlfriend to wear one again," groans Major Devlin.
"Don't make promises you can't keep, Devlin," quips Ferretti with a wicked smile. Ferretti's sense of humour is getting the better of him, too.
The Y-fronts pinch a little, but, as Connor pointed out, it's better than nothing. Jack grimaces. Carter is soooo dead for this.
Wrapping the towel around his waist provides a further measure of modesty, but he's well aware of how strange this is going to look. Five leaders of SG teams traipsing through the halls of the SGC in towels?
*Let's just hope we don't meet any big brass along the way!*
"Are we ready?" The four men look at him with varying degrees of disbelief or amusement. "Let's go."
Four corridors are navigated without encountering another soul.
Turning into the fifth corridor, there are four women standing across the passageway. They're dressed in BDUs, weapons sitting comfortably in holsters. Their leader is Captain Peta Meridian.
Jack looks back along the corridor from which they came. Four other women have stepped in behind them effectively cutting them off.
Two of the women have *zat* guns. Oh, he'd *love* to know how Carter got into the arsenal.
Looks like Connor was right.
"Okay, gentlemen," Captain Meridian says sweetly. "We can do this the hard way or.well, actually, there's *just* the hard way."
"Get lost, Meridian," snarls Makepeace.
"We have a tape of the locker room," Meridian ignores the furious Colonel. "You get one of two choices, Colonels, Majors, Captain. Option one: the girls get to see the tape. Rated NC-17, but nothing that they probably haven't seen before. Option two: they get a photo of their five favourite SG-team leaders in underwear worthy of the Chippendales. Take your pick."
Great. A choice between being seen in the buff by twenty-two women, or ending up as the locker-room poster boys.
The men look at each other. Neither choice is particularly pleasant.
"Uh, can we get something straight here?" Connor asks. "We give you the photo, and you destroy the tape, right?"
"Right."
"So whose word do we have on this?" Ferretti asks. "Yours?"
"Major Carter's word," Captain Meridian says. "The girls get to see the pic, of course, but she keeps the negative and the picture."
They're stuck without any leverage.wait a moment - *the poster of Carter!* "What about an exchange of prisoners?" It's cryptic, but the only way he can think of to describe the situation without revealing the existence of the poster to the men.
But the Captain evidently understands, for she grins and shakes her head, "The prisoner has already escaped, sir."
Meaning that someone's already slipped in and removed the poster. *Damn*.
"It's not so bad, Colonel," Meridian is saying cheerfully, "After all, you still have the UAV video." Evidently being caught scantily-clad during R&R comes second to having a picture of five scantily-clad SG-team leaders. Or five SG-team leaders naked on video.
They huddle for a moment.
"We shouldn't humor them at all!"
"Yeah, well, they're not going to let us go without having some fun."
"Come on, Connor, do you *really* think they're going to shoot us?" Makepeace still believes his hide is untouchable.
"Sir, they have *zats*."
"We only have their word for the video."
"But Major Carter is smart enough to have set it up. Remember the UAV?"
"If I have to be humiliated," Ferretti states, "I'd rather it were in colourful underwear than my bare ass on display."
"Hard as it is to admit, sir, I think we owe them this."
"Connor, you're out of your mind! We can report them!"
Devlin steps in. "And what are we going to say, Makepeace? That we went and spied on the girls during their R&R time using SGC equipment to do so? That's not only invasion of privacy and inappropriate behaviour by officers, but also misappropriation of military equipment!"
Devlin has a point.
At times like these, it's a curse being the leader.
Jack considers the options and makes the decision. "Alright. We'll do the picture."
"You're kidding, O'Neill!"
"There isn't much of a choice, Makepeace. We made the stakes with the UAV, and now they're calling us on it. Now do you want your naked butt laughed at by every woman on the base, or just have a picture passed around of you dressed a little silly?" He turns to the amused women, "At least this won't be seen by our men, right?" Meridian nods. "Okay then, fair's fair."
One of the women pulls out a camera.
Take a deep breath.
"Drop the towels, guys."
·
Only two photos are taken. One from the front, one from the back. The Captain insists they pose. Makepeace growls. Jack gives him an order. Makepeace was the one who got them into this by suggesting the UAV, he can damn well face the consequences.
It's hard to control the urge to cover the skimpy bit of cloth with his hands, but he manages it. At least the women don't laugh. Openly, that is.
Once they've picked up their towels and wrapped them around themselves again, Meridian adds, "We've cleared the corridors. You shouldn't run into anyone else on this floor until you hit the lifts, sir."
Jack glares at her. "So kind, Captain."
She just smiles sweetly and salutes. "Sir." Then the women step aside.
They're hurrying along the second last corridor to the lift when Daniel and Teal'c come around the corner. Jack can almost smell the burning rubber as they skid to a halt before the five men.
Shouldn't run into anyone else, my ass!
Teal'c stares, tilting his head a little to the side. Jack can almost hear Makepeace fuming just behind him. Daniel grins.
"Revenge, huh?"
"Yeah."
"I did say."
That's the closest Danny-boy is going to get to *I told you so* without chewing Makepeace's knuckles. While he doesn't need Daniel's gloating, he also doesn't want to see blood decorating Daniel's face. Happens often enough on a mission without it occurring on base as well. Jack interrupts. "I'm gonna kill her when I see her."
"Uh.well.that could be a problem, Jack. Last time I saw Sam she was with the General. coming this way." Daniel glances over his shoulder, and Jack wants to groan.
Turning the corner ahead of them is none other than General Hammond.
And he's not alone.
Jack grinds his teeth.
Carter's not just dead, she's *buried*.
He and his towel-clad comrades come to attention as the General comes to a stop before them, regarding his personnel with bewildered alarm. Jack lets his eyes flicker over the party of five people: the General, two guests clad in military attire but with medical badges - thank God for small mercies! - Doc Fraiser, and Carter.
Left hands fumble hurriedly to hold up the towel as each man manages to pull off a creditable salute.
There's a gleam in Carter's eye while the Doc's eyes smile, and the guests look like they'd love to burst into laughter, but General Hammond doesn't laugh. There isn't even a hint of a twinkle in the blue eyes as he demands, "Colonel O'Neill, would you like to explain what you and these gentlemen are doing running around the halls of this base in towels?"
Oh boy, how to explain this one?
*We played a prank on the women during their day out, and this is their revenge.*
Not quite the kind of admission you want to make publicly.
*Major Carter is taking revenge for.* Nope. That's not gonna work either.
He feels Makepeace shift beside him and knows that if he doesn't come up with something, Makepeace is gonna blow his fuse. The man is fuming like a volcano waiting to explode.
Go for the basic truth, Jack!
"Our clothes vanished from the locker room, sir. We're on our way to our quarters to find replacements." His eyes flicker a deadly glare at his 2IC who radiates innocence. "Assuming that our clothes there haven't vanished either."
The General raises an eyebrow, "Your clothes vanished?"
"Yes, sir."
"No chance you could have misplaced them, Colonel?" A brief pause, before the other boot falls with a resounding *THUD*. "After all, a couple of weeks ago, during my visit to the Pentagon, one of the UAVs got misplaced." *Now* there's a glint in the General's eye.
Jack wants to curse. Looks like Carter reported the UAV's informal excursion, and the General gave her permission to take suitable revenge.
*Thanks, Hammond!*
"No chance, sir."
"None?" Teal'c has evidently been giving Hammond lessons on 'how to quirk your eyebrow'.
"No, sir."
General Hammond eyes him intently and Jack controls the urge to squirm like a boy caught peeking under the little girls' dresses. *Okay sir, Carter's had her revenge. Now, please let us go and get changed!*
At last his CO relents.
"Colonel O'Neill, once you're.suitably attired, I'd like to see you in the briefing room." Well that's better than 'being seen' in his office! "Dr. Edison and Dr. Vaughan have some theories about the effects on gating on the human body that they're going to share with Dr. Fraiser and various others. I'd like you to be present. You have until 1300, Colonel."
Half an hour to reclaim the tattered shreds of his dignity. Half an hour's grace.
"Yes, sir."
"I'll see you then, Colonel."
"Yes, sir."
Hammond and the now-smiling guests pass by the men, Dr. Fraiser follows after, with Daniel trotting behind her and shooting an apologetic look at Jack. Teal'c merely nods and walks on.
Carter remains.
She takes the time to look up and down each of the men, smiling slightly now that the General has disappeared around the next corner.
"Very funny, Major," Makepeace hisses, taking a step towards her.
Makepeace is taller and broader and stronger, but Jack is pleased to see Carter holding her ground. *Attagirl, Major!* She isn't intimidated by the threat in the other man's voice or stance. "Not nearly as funny as sending out the UAV, Colonel Makepeace." She glances from Makepeace to Jack and lets her eyes travel down to the towel and back up again. Her smile reminds him uncomfortably of the poster. *Don't think about the poster!* "You'd better go and get changed, sir. You've got a meeting in thirty minutes."
Stepping around Makepeace, she pauses by her commanding officer, and leans over conspiratorially. Her breath whispers past his throat, "Big mistake, sir. Big. Huge." Her proximity raises fine hairs on the back of his neck - among other things. *Keep your mind off the poster, Jack.keep your mind off the poster.oh shit.*
If she doesn't move away from him soon, the mistake he made isn't the only thing that's going to be huge.
Lucky for him, she walks on with a dulcet smile, and he breathes again. Chokily, but his lungs don't care - they have air again.
"Jack, we've got the lift!" Ferretti's main aim right now is probably to avoid further erosion of his pride. Devlin and Connor evidently agree. Makepeace glares a moment longer after the retreating Major, then turns on his heel and heads for the lift.
With her out of his immediate airspace, Jack can't resist a little jibe. He takes one step after her. "Oh, Major."
She turns. 'Sweet and innocent' like hell! "Sir?"
His smile is malicious, "No chance I could keep the poster?"
A flush covers her skin, but she's got her own return volley ready. "I don't think so, Colonel. It'll just make things.uh.harder on you." Her smile is angelically innocent, but in the gleam of her eyes lurks devilish mischief. "You'd better go and get dressed, Sir." And she salutes him and walks off down the hall.
He glares after her.
Witch.
a..
Story Notes: EMAIL: SelDear@bigpond.com
STATUS: complete
CATEGORY: Humour, a little Jack/Sam UST
SPOILERS: None
SEASON/SEQUEL INFO: During Season 3 - after 'Fair Game' but before 'Shades of Grey'
SERIES: Best Served Cold - Part 3
RATING: PG-13, some bad language
CONTENT WARNING: It's in a locker room and features partial nudity. As long as you don't have a TV screen, it should be okay!
ARCHIVED: Heliopolis, Sam-and-Jack Archives
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Always remember: Revenge is a dish Best Served Cold! Thanks to jenni for beta'ing!
STATUS: complete
CATEGORY: Humour, a little Jack/Sam UST
SPOILERS: None
SEASON/SEQUEL INFO: During Season 3 - after 'Fair Game' but before 'Shades of Grey'
SERIES: Best Served Cold - Part 3
RATING: PG-13, some bad language
CONTENT WARNING: It's in a locker room and features partial nudity. As long as you don't have a TV screen, it should be okay!
ARCHIVED: Heliopolis, Sam-and-Jack Archives
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Always remember: Revenge is a dish Best Served Cold! Thanks to jenni for beta'ing!
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]