Title: Be A Man
Author: Kelly Mullins
Spoilers: Small one for 1st Commandment and Small Victories.
Sequel: This is the Sequel to 'What Do I Have to Do?', 'Put Your Arms Around
Me', 'I Want You', 'Sweetest Day', 'Fear', 'Nice', and 'Walk On'
Summary: A year later something goes wrong... but are things always as they
Keywords: S/J Romance.. serious angst... song fic... Sam's POV
Disclaimer: I can promise you I don't own SG-1 or anything by Aqua
Authors Notes: Song is Be A Man by Aqua. Yeah I do know that Sam had the last
part but I promise Jack has the next one... okay? I just felt that effect
should come before cause this time... and yes this is depressing... but the
next one isn't so much... they'll get better from now on I swear!
Thank You: Anyone who sent feedback
Dedication: To the SDR spies- I'd unsubscribe if I were you. Tonight is the
Be A Man
By. Kelly Mullins
*The world is quiet,
like there's no one around,
but I feel you beside me.
I know the secrets,
you keep locked away inside,
don't understand, why you are fighting.*
I once thought that if we ever went on another mission it would be wonderful, the four of us together again, doing our duty just like the old days... but I guess that dream that was spawned more than a year ago will never be a reality. True we're on a mission, true it's just the four of us, but there's something missing... and that something is everything that SG-1 once was. The four of us sit around our camp fire, none of us willing to look the others in the eye; well all know what's happened to make SG-1 whole again after an entire year of separation- sadly Jack and my break-up is also what is making SG-1 so hard to cope with.
*I know, she must be special,
this new girl by your side,
I seek for answers, when I look into your eyes,
And he turns, so I can't, but I will be strong.*
None of us speak... we all need to eat and sleep, otherwise we'd be getting this entire mission over with as soon as possible to be in each other's presence for the least amount of time necessary to do our jobs. Anyways I'm sure the 'Colonel' would like to get home to his girlfriend, Lydia. I can't believe that after our year of hell and working ourselves to death that he would just move out to be with another woman, someone he supposedly met at work, a job that he had to beg to get, his dream job that we spent hours talking about, damnit he left me for some elementary school teacher the day after he proposed to me, I was actually happy two weeks later when SG-1 was called back to the SGC because it meant that he wouldn't be with her 24 hours a day everyday.
"Okay, bed down guys," Jack stands from his spot beside me- most likely the best spot for both of us to avoid each other. "Teal'c you've got first watch, Carter second, I'll take third, and Danny you're fourth." He looks to each of us as he says our names- I guess months of working with small children have given him this, but when he meets my eyes he looks away so quickly it's as if I physically hit him- which I did... three weeks ago.
*For once in your life, be a man,
just tell me the words, 'cause I know
that you can, don't leave me with scars,
that no one can heal.
For once in your life - be a man.*
Jack seems to run to his sleeping bag, avoiding me, even placing it at the opposite end of our camp from where my bag is, nice to know that he's as afraid of me as I am of him... he embarrassed me, I gave up everything for him and then he left me to do everything that was so hard with just the two of us alone.
*You made me love you,
love you right from the start.
You're controlling my heart, babe.
Don't pack your bags yet.
Give me time to say goodbye.*
Why Jack O'Neill? That's a question I've been asked a million times and asked myself a million times in return. When we first met I thought it was because he reminded me of Jonas- the good side of that man, but then as I slowly got to know him things changed and when we made the decision to leave the SGC we did it together, and when we got jobs on our own we decided on things together and cheered each other on, but when we went back to the SGC it was alone... and everyone knew it, they all knew the terms of our leaving and the terms of our return.
*Just don't leave me wounded.
No, I just hope you will regret the things you do
Come back to me,
'cause our love is the real thing.
And it hurts like hell but I will be strong.*
It's impossible to be happy about the circumstances that brought us all back together, death is never a happy thing, but I'm thankful to have the support my friends in the SGC give me. There's something to be said for some nice solid ground to rest your head on, especially after spending three weeks on an Asgard ship... zipping around the galaxy on 'the Carter' was fun, as was being commander of 'the Carter', but having to watch Jack's backside the entire time he was commander of the Asgard fleet was not. The 'Thor' was a big ship, not as big as 'the O'Neill' was before I blew it up, but still it was much more impressive than 'the Carter', 'the Jackson', or 'the Teal'c'- the other three ships that now make up the entire Asgard fleet... the fleet that the illustrious Colonel Jack O'Neill is now commander of.
*For once in your life, be a man,
just tell me the words, 'cause I know that you can,
Donīt leave me with scars,
that no one can heal.
For once in your life - be a man.
I knew that I,
I fought to keep our love strong.
If you leave me now,
you come running back for more, babe.
And I hope for, and I wish for,
and I pray, that the words from your mouth can,
eventually make you a man.*
I don't sleep very well, just like I haven't slept very well for the last five weeks since I last shared a bed with Jack. He never gave me an explanation for what he did, I just came home from work one day to find that he'd packed his stuff and then he told me about Lydia- I cried and he even had the audacity to apologise for hurting me... like his making love with me in the morning and then picking up another woman a couple of hours later was perfectly fine in his eyes, of course it seemed fine in everyone else's eyes too... I never heard any of our friends say anything negative to him about his behaviour or about leaving me for Lydia or anything. I think if he would just tell me something about how all of this happened I'd feel better, just knowing where I went wrong with him would be nice, but I guess that considering SG-1 is still the only fleet the Asgard have we'll not be talking for a while, unless he decides to say something before we head back to our ships tomorrow morning.
*For once in your life,
be a man.
When everything stops...
...for a minute in your life,
I'll hope that,
For once in your life, be a man
be a man.
Just tell me the words, 'cause I know that you can,
Don't leave me with scars,
that no one can heal.*
After Teal'c wakes me for my watch I not only watch our surroundings but Jack as well... the strong arms that held me every night for an entire year, and those lips that I've kissed thousands of times are now only painful memories because I know another woman is getting that pleasure from him and I only hope she has some fraction of the knowledge of how important those caresses of his are. Soon it's time for his watch and I can't bring myself to wake him up, I haven't even seen the man in three weeks and then I'm asked to wake him up? Some times life isn't fair. Soon I've woken him up, and very nearly given him a heart attack... I guess he wasn't expecting to see me first thing after opening his eyes any more. Soon we're both sitting back by the fire, only this time he chances sitting across from me as he drinks his coffee.
"Aren't you going back to sleep?"
"What do you want? A 'no Sir'?"
"No, I was just wondering why the hell not."
"Because I don't feel like it... because when I close my eyes I don't sleep all I can do is think. I want answers 'Sir', I want to know how the hell all of this happened, why you can be so perfectly happy while I'm going through hell, I'm so sick of this run around Jack."
"You know how things got like this... Thor's dead Carter, the fleet was mostly destroyed, four ships left with no one to pilot them, the Asgard wanted SG-1 to take over, and we did, end of story."
"Oh so Lydia was just part of Thor's death? Of yes, I can definitely see the SGC's use for an elementary school teacher." I say bitterly, he looks away from me quickly before hanging his head. "I want to know why her and not me, I want to know how I've been engaged to two men and I've gotten married to neither of them... I just want to know what's so wrong with me, can you tell me that Jack? Because you're the only one left who knows."
*For once in your life - be a man.
Be a man.
Tell me the words.
Once in your life.
Be a man.
Tell me the words.*
He looks up and into my eyes, full on for the first time in five weeks, I know that look and there I see all the answer I ever needed... there's something up, and it goes farther than his relationship with Lydia or our former relationship- he was left without any options... I just wish I knew why.