samandjack.net

Story Notes: Spoilers: None

Notes: This is for Mary in St. Albert who shared a very funny moment out of her life with me and this came out of it, and for my Twisted Sisters... you know who you are!


Sam had been strolling the main avenue for an hour now, popping into little shops here and there, knick knack kinda shops mostly, but she considered this shopping never the less. 'It's not how much you buy it's what's you buy' She can still here hear Father's words run through her head. Sam smiled. She loved dragging her father to the shopping malls when she was younger, knowing full well he hated every minute, the dress shops, the shoe shops and even making him wait an unreasonably long time, while she chose just the right sports bra. It had been so long since she was able to just stroll through shops, not worry about anything, not the base, not the team, and not the Colonel. She had 3 more days of down time since the last mission. She was going to enjoy it.

Sam's phone rang very early this morning, she automatically went into the 'Major' mode, picking up the phone quickly "Major Carter" was all she said, only to be greeted by a friendly giggle. She knew that giggle. "Caroline you Nutter.... it's been ages Sister, where have you been?" Sam finished, smiling to herself.

"Actually Sam, I was going to ask you that very thing?... Where the hell have you been lately, I never get anyone home anymore... and you know I hate those damn machines" Both knowing how very much Caroline hates answering machines, machines of any kind in fact. Sam often wondered how Caroline managed to deal with such modern technology as the telephone.

"What can I tell you Caroline.... I'm in demand"... with that, both parties started to giggle uncontrollably. Once they regain enough control to continue there conversation, Caroline wasted no time in getting down to the point.

"Sam, are you free this evening.... please say your free?"

Sam could hear the excitement in Carolinas voice, still smiling "Yes, as a matter of fact I am free this fine evening... what did you have in mind... wait.. oh God Caroline, your not dragging me to some Male Strip Club again are you...I'm not going... No way Sister, we were almost arrested the last time!"

Caroline covered her mouth in an attempt to muffle her laughter, it didn't help. Sam could hear Caroline's muffled laughter on the other end of the receiver and realized she missed it. She just doesn't get together with her non-military friends enough. That will change, Sam silently swore to herself.

After a long twenty minute phone call, Sam had all the information she needed. Jules their mutual friend from their University days, had finally accepted her boyfriend proposal. Sam was happy of course, for her friend, but something inside her, that little voice way in the back, told her 'your running out of time Sammie.... your running out of time'. Damn that little voice. 'Leave me alone will ya'. Sam shook that nasty thought away, as she did when ever it surfaced, telling herself she was happy, she was content, she was so utterly full of shit.

So the plan was to meet up with the girls for a crazed night of partying with old friends, some Sam had not seen since University. All this in the guise of a "Bridal Shower"... oh yeah I've been to a few of the so called 'Bridal Showers' of Caroline's.

'That girl has serious issues with the establishment' she thought to herself. Sam, unaware her face held the most amazing smile as she exited the last store and rounded the corner, bringing her to the shop she had been looking for. Sam shopped here regularly, what with all her friends finding husbands and most having babies by now. She loved this shop, she could always find whatever you needed within these walls and if she couldn't.... well actually, she never had that problem, in here she could always find the right gift. Sam grasped the door handle, pulled outwardly and entered the store.

The counter person was new, Sam had never seen him before. Thinking to herself as she walked into the store 'This should be fun'. She nodded as she passed his station, aware that his eyes were on her the whole time. Sam got that creepy feeling, you know the one that starts at the base of the spine and works it's way up to your neck until you have to shake it off... yeah that one. Sam, only needing to pick up the one item, wasted no time in finding the right counter in the far left corner, and on the wall hung up by size, then color, was exactly what she came for.

This part was almost as good as the actual gift giving - unwrapping, the part where you get to torment the counter help, only now she wondered if she should even bother playing her game with the 'creep'. She did not particularly enjoy the welcome she received, after all as a customer she should be given the same respect as the next Guy walking in... literally. That was the last thought running through her mind as she hear a muffled cry, from up front, as if someone had been hurt.

Without thought, Sam had crossed the room and was five feet away from the main entrance when she stopped, and could not believe her eyes. The 'Creep' had grabbed hold of the upper arms of not one but two very large, very pregnant women.

"My God, have you lost your mind, let go of those women" The words left Sam's mouth without thought, she straighten herself to full height and slowly stalked over to the 'Creep' and his captives. The 'Creep was obviously not a very smart man, as his lips curled up into a ugly sneer, as he spoke for the first time.

"Mind your own business lady, these two can't come in here...it's bad for the business" he paused only slightly before continuing "You on the other hand, 'Honey' can stay as long as you like" and as his sneer broadened.

Sam merely smiled as she took a few more steps closer, looking at the woman on her right first, then quickly over to the woman on her left, before she spoke. Her voice came out control and even. "Excuse me, I believe I asked you to release these nice women"

'The Creep' relaxed his grip but only for a moment before he was shoving the two pregnant women towards the door again, this time over his shoulder he spat "And you can join them ya stupid Bitch, your not welcomed in this store anymore..." At this point, Sam was tired of playing nice with the 'Creepy Man'.

'Time to pay 'Creepy Man'' was the last coherent thought Sam had before she lunged at the man, grabbing him by the short hairs at the back of his head. This action brought all four occupants of the entrance way, out, onto the sidewalk. 'Creepy Man' had let go of both women only seconds after Sam wrapped her hands around a large portion of the back of his head and scalp. "Now, as I had asked you politely to let these nice women go and you didn't, you really left me no choice here... Do you understand me" Sam spoke quietly and in a very calm tone, "Do we understand each other here.... Sir" Sam let the last part come out through clenched teeth.

Maybe 'Creepy Man' wasn't as stupid as he looks, cause he answered up quick enough. "Yeah, yeah whatever"

Sam slowly released his hair, not at all surprised by the slick feel of her hand, she'll need to wash her hands, the sooner the better. 'Damn it and I was having such as good afternoon' she thought to herself. 'Creepy Man' was very happy to be released from the hair hold Carter inflicted on him, however he was not terribly happy too of had this little scene played out in front of the city of Colorado Springs, in broad daylight. Sam couldn't help herself, she smiled at the 'Creep' before she spoke.

"You little moron... see these two women, these big beautiful pregnant women... they are your business. Look at them for Christ sakes there pregnant" for effect Sam moves over to the lady on the left and rubs her enormous belly, the woman giggles and Sam looks up and smiles, pausing only momentarily for effect. "Not good for the Business my ass, if your lucky this is a direct result of your business.... I should think you'd welcome pregnant women through your door.... This is after all a "Love Shop". When Sam finished she was flushed and slightly out of breath. The 'Creepy Man' had scurried back into the shop. Then she heard the applause.

Sam blinked as she turned into the sunlight and for the first time noticed the people standing around the shop, on the sidewalk behind her and to the left. Only one person had continued to clap, she turned, a smile still brightly lit her face. Sam stopped dead, she was pretty sure her mouth had dropped open as well. 'This is so not happening to me today.....better say something' Sam thought to herself.

"Colonel, Sir.... I ahhhhh....." That was all she managed to get out before she was hugged by two very pregnant women. Sam smiled and hugged back. Pulling back slightly to introduce herself before being crushed once again between big hugs.

Mary, the nice lady on the left spoke first. "Thank you so much Sam"

"Could you believe that guy, I almost gave him an introduction to my handbag, I swear if you hadn't come around that corner when you did Sam...." that was Mary's friend Evie. Sam looked from one woman to the other, before they all broke out into fits of laughter, both women grabbing their large belly's to accommodate the laugh.

Jack had closed the last few feet separating the laughing women and himself. Watching as Sam's face went the many shades of red, until she looked up into his eyes, then he was the one to look away. Only Sam saw the

color raise in his cheeks. Sam introduced her new friends to the Colonel. He was charming as always. Taking Mary's and Evie's offered hand in his gently before letting them go. The women said there thanks once again before lumbering off down the sidewalk arm in arm.

Jack stood quietly and watched Sam, she was watching the women work their cumbersome bodies down the street, she had a sad smile on her face, not one O'Neill could ever recall seeing before. "Carter... Sam you okay?"

"Huh... oh yeah... fine Sir" Now the sad smile was replaced with her usual smile, the one he likes to think is reserved for him alone.

"Sam, what happened just now... I caught the tail end of it... Care to share with me what I missed?, Come on I'll buy you a beer."

"Okay, if your buying Colonel" They made there way to the pub on the corner it had a nice, open aired ceiling. Jack made a mental note to remember this place come Sat. nights. They ordered and got comfortable as Sam recounted the events leading up to her "Performance" on the sidewalk. Jack laughed at the hair hold thing, almost egging Sam on until she had to know.

"When did you happen by Colonel?" Trying to sound as causal as possible, failing miserably.

"Actually I was heading that way and couldn't get passed the people on the sidewalk and I heard the most familiar voice call someone a "Moron" well I just had to stay and watch. You handled yourself quite well I thought" with that said Jack beamed at her.

Sam could only grin back, feeling silly, but grinning never the less. Sam suddenly stopped grinning and checked her watch quickly. "Damn it, its too late to drive to Denver now"

Jack's interest was peaked now. "Sam, what's up.. can I help?" Sam eyed her Colonel, debating whether she wanted to ask this of him. She was in a tight spot, the party was tonight, in a few hours in fact. She really needed that gift. She was never one to buy 'normal' bridal shower gifts, she couldn't start now, besides she'd have no idea where to start. She really had no choice. She took a quick gulp of her beer before she spoke.

"Sir..... " Hmmm maybe she couldn't do this after all. Sam locked eyes with her Colonel, he was amused, that's a good sign. She started again. "Colonel, I would never ask this of you in a million year, but I'm kinda in a tough spot here, I don't have time to get to Denver and back and unfortunately that store I was just thrown out of, is the only one in the Springs......" Sam stopped suddenly. 'Shit, I can't do it... I can't ask this of my Colonel, I'll get court-martialed, god this is ugly'.

"Sam... your losing me here... what can I do to help you out, just tell me I've got nothing better to do today... Honest, so what is it?" Okay here goes.

"Sir, I need you to buy me a Dildo" Shit, I should have waited until he finished his sip. "Colonel are you okay... ahhh you've got more beer there.. yeah right side, Sorry about that Sir, I'm pretty sure I can explain...." The Colonel continued to wipe beer off himself and the wall next to him, as Sam relayed her story of Bridal Shower gift giving.

"Okay, so your sure your okay with this right Colonel....?" Sam was still nervous, and it showed, the Colonel however, was looking like he was up to the challenge, well okay he said he was anyway. "Sir you can 'Not' do this at any point, okay...." Sam had to make sure she gave him all the 'outs' he could possible need, but he didn't seem to mind. "Okay, you know which one I want right... its the 12" Black one, I know they have it, I've seen it far left corner in the back, oh yeah here is my Visa, Oh and Colonel.... Thank you again" and she smiled.

That was all Jack needed, one more of those very special "Just for Jack" smiles, with that, the Colonel set out on his newly acquired mission. Jack stopped before leaving the table leaning down and speaking quietly "Are you sure you want the Black One...."

He chuckled softly, straighten then started for the door, before he heard what he thought was Carter's voice whisper "Remember Sir, it's not for me...." Without turning around to see what he knew would be his Major, blushing like mad, he merely straighten his shoulders and left the bar, to seek out the elusive 12" Black Bart!

Jack had been gone for what seemed like hours, when in fact it had only been about 25 minutes. The door to the bar opened and Jack strolled back to the table where he had left Sam. Sliding her purchase over to her, then handing over her credit card and receipt. Sam raised an eyebrow "Sir, any problems with the purchase...." She waited for her Colonel to be seated once again.

"No problems at all... tell your friend Jules, I hope she appreciates it.... That creep in the store thinks its for me!" Sam lost it, she had been doing so well until the mention of the 'Creep' and that was it. Sam was doubled over laughing her head off as Jack slowly lifted his glass to his lips and took a long pull.

They spent another 45 minutes in the Bar enjoying each others company as friends rather than Major and Colonel, each having another pint before calling it an afternoon. Sam feeling quite good, about not only giving the 'Creepy Man' a small piece of reality, but also having shared a special, albeit strange afternoon with her Colonel. At the doorway, Sam turned and without a second thought, reached up and planted a warm friendly kiss on the Colonel cheek. "Thank you again Colonel, I'll tell Jules what it took to get this for her too.... have a good evening Sir" and Sam was gone. Just like that. Jack smiled to himself, noting to himself, that she never did check the bag.

The 'Bridal Shower' was in full swing they were on the third Bar of the night, when Caroline piped up and declared it was now time to open the presents. "Guys, we don't want to put this off for much longer, eventually I won't give a Rat's Ass what we gave her.... so lets do this now"

A raunchy cheer went out throughout the room, as empty drink glass's were removed from the table top making way for the gifts. Caroline had some twisted tradition that gifts were not to be wrapped, so when Caroline throw's a party there was no paper to clean up afterwards, it worked for her, we all got used to it in University, nobody even thought twice about it, hell I never even bothered to removed the gift from the plain wrap bag it came in from the store.

My turn to give my gift to the happy bride to be... 'I love this part' Sam thought to herself, as she reached into the bag, only to find not one box inside by two. With hesitant hands she pulled out Jules gift, and handed it over bottom upward so the surprise came when she turned it over. Waiting, watching Caroline's face at the same time, Jules squealed with delight as she stood and wrapped her arms around Sam, saying it was exactly what she wanted...." 12 Nasty inches of Black Bart! A women's Best Friend!"

Caroline was in stitches on the floor... literally on the floor. 'God that woman can not hold her liquor at all' Sam thought to herself as she reached down and pulled her friend upright once again. The rest of the party went on around Sam, but her finger's kept going back to the bag on her lap. She had to find out what else was inside. Sam excused herself from the table and made her way to the ladies room.

Once safely inside the locked stall, Sam took a deep breath before pulling out a regular sized box, turning it over she read the cover. Sam instantly started to laugh. She knew by the weight, the box was empty, but she couldn't help it, she continue to laugh. Sam sat and just laughed to herself for a few minutes before shaking the box and finding that there was something inside after all. Carefully she opened one end. She held the box upside down and rattled it a couple of times before a business card fell out. She knew that card, she had one already, only this one had writing on the backside. Sam stared at the card, then back to the cover of the box. The cover read: "The Colonel" 10" of Screaming Mad Metal! Sam looked back at the business card and the writing, it read: Call me of you need a ride home tonight. Your Colonel. Sam grinned to herself as she dug out a quarter to make arrangements for her ride home.



The End...




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