I don't know why I decided to turn the radio on. To this day I have no idea what prompted me to flick the switch. There have been times when I regret the fact that I ever did. I know that he would have died if I hadn't...even so....I would have spared myself a great deal of pain.
The day had started like any other. I'd woken at dawn and left Liam sleeping while I went to fix breakfast. Not that I was any great shakes as a cook, but he never complained. That's one of the things I liked about him. He was easy to please. I never had to prove myself to him....and he always listened to me. Even if he had trouble following some of the things I said. I couldn't really expect him to understand particle physics, after all he had been a farmer all his life. Basically, he was a kind, sweet, gentle man, who had taken me into his home when mine had been lost.
It was still early. The sun was hardly above the horizon and I needed something else to do while I waited for Liam. I liked to keep myself busy, it stopped me thinking too much, so I picked up the pile of dirty laundry and started to carry it out of the door. That's when I saw them.....my fatigues were neatly folded at the bottom of the heap. I hadn't worn them in three months, ever since I had realised that I was going to have to become a part of this community. Sometimes I wondered if I hadn't given up too soon....even if I had managed to dig up the 'gate....even if I knew where it was.....there was nothing her to work with. I couldn't conceive that anyone was going to come and rescue me. They might send a ship, but I knew the distances involved. It would be a long time before I could ever go home.
With that in mind, I decided that it was time to break my last link with Earth. I took my military clothes down to the river, intending to cast them into the fast-flowing stream. Call it therapy if you will. The pants went first. I really hated them......they made me look fat. Then the T-shirt and I finally picked up my jacket.....If I hadn't got sentimental and paused to remove the SG1 patch I would never have noticed the radio. As it was I took it out of the pocket and flipped that damn switch. I never expected to hear voices.
"Gate closing in 4, 3, 2, 1.....,"the sound startled me and I almost dropped the radio into the water.
I stared at the device. This couldn't be happening, not after so many months. In a dream I pressed the send button,
"Carter to SGC....can anyone hear me?"
My voice sounded strange as I struggled to find my military discipline. There was silence for a few seconds, nothing but the hiss of static. I started to think that I'd been imagining things....and that my new life was safe. Then his voice broke through the interference,
"Sam.....Sam? Oh God........."
"Colonel? Where are you?"
I started to run towards the crater, rousing the village as I went through. They followed me without question, even Liam, and we dug the colonel out of the ground.
"Sir? Dammit, sir, you stubborn......," I yelled at him the second we broke through.
His oxygen must have been running out, making him delusional, because the first thing he did when he pulled himself free was place a bruising kiss on my mouth and he held onto me as if he'd never let go. And he didn't. He kept an arm about me as we walked back to the village. I looked for Liam, but he'd disappeared. Feelings of guilt swept over me. I hadn't been able to stop myself returning the colonel's embrace. It was understandable. He was one of my friends and I hadn't seen him for three months.
The next few hours passed in a blur. They dug the gate out and set it upright. I fixed the DHD....which was in surprisingly good repair, considering. Then Daniel and Teal'c came through, bringing the Adorran refugees. The colonel didn't leave my side the whole time and, quite frankly, got in my way. I couldn't seem to shake him. It was only when it was time to leave that I finally had some time to go and find Liam. I heard my friend's voices as I walked away from them. The colonel had been talking to me, but I hadn't let him complete his sentence, "Is she all right?" the colonel asked.
"She's fine," Daniel replied, "I just don't think she was ever expecting to home again."
Daniel was right...then he usually is. I never thought that anyone would come for me. I didn't think they could. After all who would have worked out that the 'Gate was horizontal?
Liam was in his house, sitting on the bed that we had shared. I sat beside him, laying my head on his broad shoulder, twining my fingers in his blonde hair.
"You must be happy to be going home," he stated.
"No, I'm not," I replied.
It was the truth, I swear it. I didn't want to go home. Life was easier here. I didn't have to battle to be who I wanted. There were no Goa'uld to fight, no colonel to trail after, no world to save every ten minutes. The only thing I had to worry about was the yield of the harvest and the coming of the spring rain.
"You don't have to," he suggested.
"You could come with me," I added.
"I belong here," he replied.
He was right. My world was no place for him. He'd be totally lost without his crops to raise and his animals to tend. I glanced back towards the door, knowing that the colonel would come looking for me any minute.
"I'll come back....soon," I promised. "We still have that treaty to talk about."
I could tell Liam didn't believe me, but I meant those words. In that minute, in that place, I honestly meant them.
"No, Sam," he told me, "you won't be back. You'll stay with him."
"Who? Colonel O'Neill? Liam, he doesn't mean anything to me."
"Yes he does. You may not realise it, but you belong to him."
I shook my head, denying his words. He didn't understand.
"Our worlds are going to be friends," he said, "close friends."
I hugged him, holding him as close as I could. He buried his face in the side of my neck. Then he kissed me, the soft, gentle touch of farewell.
"Fair day and be well," he told me as we finally parted.
All I could do was nod. I wasn't going to embarrass him by crying. There was noise outside the house. The colonel was shouting for me. Like a good little soldier I went to him. Even after all these months I jumped when he called.
"Time to go," Colonel O'Neill smiled at me.
I looked back just the once. Liam was standing in the doorway, watching me walk away. He waved and I choked back a tear.
The colonel's arm went back about my shoulders as we took the path towards the gate. He was clingier than a teenager on a first date. I couldn't understand it. Before the accident he had been all over that Lara woman. And she had been all over him. What had happened over the past three months to change his mind? He couldn't have missed me...could he?
***************************************************************************
THREE MONTHS EARLIER
"You miss her?" Fraiser asked.
"Yeah," O'Neill heard himself admit.
Yes, he missed her. Who wouldn't? She was bright, funny, beautiful and one of the best soldiers he'd ever served with. But it was more than that. Her absence was actually causing him pain. Every damn second, he expected her to come into his office, smiling at him, spouting some incomprehensible technobabble. What he wouldn't give to hear her talking about particle physics, wormhole theory.......anything.
"Is this a problem?" Janet continued.
"No," Jack snapped back.
How could it be a problem? He had never thought that he would feel this way about losing her....if he had....if he had....Damn those regulations.
"Sir, as your doctor I recommend that you try to get some rest," Fraiser suggested.
"Can it Doc. She'd do the same for me."
"With all due respect, sir, Sam would have a chance of solving this problem."
"I know what you're sayin'....but I have to try."
"Daniel says the Tollan's can have a ship...."
"She shouldn't have to wait for them!"
His anger was almost palpable. So much so that Janet took an involuntary step away from him. She had never seen the Colonel this obsessed, this focused. Everyone else had given up on Sam, but he never would. If she wondered about the emotions behind this fixation, she wisely kept quiet. His confession to missing her was probably the closest he would ever get to admitting that he had less than professional feelings towards his second in command.
Despite her lecturing, Janet left a mug of coffee by his side and left him to himself. At some level she understood his obsession, even if she didn't think that he could do anything useful. Maybe he couldn't, but he was dammed if he didn't try. Sam was too important to him. He wasn't going to leave her on some godforsaken planet for the rest of her life.
He turned back to the scribbles that littered the pad on his desk. It was his attempt to understand wormhole theory. He couldn't even follow his own notes, never mind anything that was really complicated. There was something about this that was bugging him, but the answer remained elusively out of reach. Why had the wormhole engaged if nothing could go through it? The gate couldn't have been buried. If that was the case the seventh symbol wouldn't have engaged. He understood that much, but it wasn't enough, not nearly enough. Besides all this thinking was giving him a headache.
Sick of banging his head against an intellectual brick wall, Jack drained his coffee and slouched off to find Daniel. The archaeologist was in the control room, staring at the Stargate. He only looked at Jack briefly, nodding in acknowledgement.
"Dr. Fraiser said you managed to contact the Tollans?" Jack begun.
"Yeah. They feel they owe us enough to send a ship after Sam," Daniel replied.
He didn't seem happy about it, mirroring Jack's own misgivings.
"How long?" Jack asked.
"September next year."
Jack closed his eyes. He'd expected it to take a while, but he'd been hoping for a few months at most. He hated the thought of being without her for that long.
"Are you OK?" Daniel asked.
"No," Jack admitted. "I just wish...."
He left the thought unfinished, unwilling to put his feelings into words. Wishes weren't going to help Sam. One consolation, Adorra was idyllic as far as other planets went. She would be perfectly safe until the Tollan ship arrived. Assuming she had survived the fire rain. Jack quickly banished that thought. He couldn't allow himself to imagine that all they might rescue was a corpse.
"Lara was looking for you," Daniel observed.
"Oh?" Jack couldn't have sounded more disinterested.
"I thought you liked her?"
"She's not Sam."
They fell silent again, taking a step backwards as a voice announced that the gate had been activated off- world. Jack watched as the iris slid shut over the event horizon. What had Sam said about it? His special forces training kicked in, allowing him to recall the long ago conversation.....
"So this iris is gonna hold, right?" Daniel had questioned.
"Pure titanium, less than three micrometers from the even horizon. It won't even allow matter to reintegrate," Sam had answered him literally.
"So this iris is gonna hold, right?" his own comment had made Sam smile a little.
The iris drew back to allow SG9 through. As the wormhole disengaged Jack found himself walking towards the 'gate. His brain was struggling a little, as he ran his hand over the surface of the alien device. Iris. The iris stopped matter reintegrating.......but the wormhole could still be engaged.
"Daniel....this may sound nuts.....but is there anyway that there's some kind of iris over the Adorran gate?" Jack heard himself ask.
"What did you say?"
"An iris...thing. Over the gate that stops matter...you know....comin' back together again...... Maybe?"
Great, now he'd made himself sound really stupid. He should have kept his dumb mouth shut.
"The rock structure was rich in naqadah," Daniel replied. "I'm no physicist but I guess if there was enough heat to cause the naqadah to melt....."
"You mean I'm right?"
"Could be."
"Cool!"
" I don't see how that helps. We still won't be able to get through it."
But Jack was now on a roll, and not to be daunted,
"Can't we just laser our way in?"
"We don't have that kind of device."
"Then we'll find someone to build one!" Jack shouted over his shoulder as he jogged down the ramp.
"Where are you going?"
"To see Hammond. We're gonna get Sam home again."
***************************************************************************
He'd been with me every second...apart from when Janet was doing my medical exam. It was like I had a second shadow. I tried to suggest that he didn't have to drive me home, but he wouldn't take no for an answer. In the end I was too tired to argue. I let him take me to his car and off of the base.
As soon as we hit the outside world I found that I was glad of his company. Coming back to reality was more of a culture shock than I had anticipated. It was too noisy, there were too many bright lights. We stopped to eat and the whole experience left me freaked. I couldn't manage more than a few bites of my meal and I couldn't stop thinking of Liam. The colonel seemed to sense my discomfort. He got me out of the restaurant and back home as quickly as he could.
Home.
It was my apartment, but I felt like a stranger as I walked through the door. For a start it was cleaner than I remembered, but I guess someone must have been looking after the place for me. Reaction was starting to set in. Now I thought about it, I'd been awake for a very long time. I'd been up at dawn and it was now well past ten Earth time. I had no idea what the time difference was but I felt like I should have been in bed hours ago. The colonel had other ideas. He got us both beers and settled down on my couch as if he was planning to stay there all night. At first, I barely took notice of his conversation. I just nodded and laughed in what I hoped were the right places. Yet, as time went on I found myself relaxing a little. I hadn't had a beer in over a month and it was going straight to my head. I'd avoided the alcohol offered on Adorra. It had a very bad affect on me.....and was probably the reason I ended up in bed with Liam. Not that I regretted any second of my time with him.
"An' then Teal'c did a half gainer off the cliff, into the mud and pulled Danny an' me out by our hair. It took 'em a week to get the smell outta the gateroom," the Colonel finished.
Despite myself, I laughed, wishing I'd been there to see it. If I was honest with myself, part of me enjoyed being with him, listening to his stories and laughing at his jokes. I really had missed him. The Colonel grinned back at me. Then he did something I didn't expect. He reached out and pushed a lock of hair behind my ear and placed a tender kiss on my mouth. The contact was brief, but I felt my stomach do a little flip.
"You'd better get some rest," he told me.
I looked towards my room, not liking the idea of going to bed alone, but I couldn't stay up all night. It was only as I crawled under my quilt, that I wondered exactly what the colonel was planning to do. I could hear him moving around, but he didn't seem to be showing any signs of going out the front door. It puzzled me a little, but I was asleep before I could start to worry.
It was still dark when I first woke and the cool air made me shiver beneath the quilt. The sensation was a little strange. I couldn't remember the last time I had been cold in bed. I didn't open my eyes, but I rolled over, seeking the warmth of companionship. The other side of the bed was empty. In my sleep fuzzed mind I was still on Adorra. The fact that I was sleeping on a sprung mattress and not feather, under a quilt and not rough blankets, didn't register. The only thing I seemed to be aware of was that I was alone and I shouldn't have been.
As I became slightly more conscious, I realised that there was someone in the room with me. I could hear soft footsteps moving across the floor.
"You should be asleep," a male voice whispered.
"Come to bed," I replied, wondering what he was doing, wandering around in the middle of the night.
"Sam....."
"I'm cold."
I felt the mattress dip as his weight settled beside me. Wasting no time, I cuddled up close to him, allowing his warmth to suffuse through my body. His arms went about me, strong, comforting and I felt myself drifting back to sleep. Only the vague thought that this was somehow different managed to diffuse through my disorientated brain, but I was too tired to do anything about it.
It was only when I awoke at dawn that I realised my mistake. The man I was sleeping next to wasn't Liam. The colonel's arms were wound tightly around me, and I couldn't see how I could move away without waking him. What the hell had he been doing in my room in the first place? My thoughts were angry. I didn't know who I was betraying, myself or Liam? I turned my head, trying to get a glimpse of the colonel's face. I'd watched him sleep before, when we'd been on missions and it was my turn to stand sentry. His expression had always betrayed his tension, even in slumber he was always alert. Now, as I looked at him, he seemed strangely at peace with himself. The lines on his face had softened, making him appear younger and less careworn. He was even smiling a little. I couldn't help myself, I reached up and brushed his hair off his forehead. The gesture disturbed him and he shifted in his sleep. He arms loosened, slightly, allowing me to crawl away from him and climb out of bed. I had to smile as he seemed to recognise my departure and took the opportunity to sprawl himself over my half of the mattress. Some things were the same whatever part of the universe you happened to live in.
I decided that my problem with the colonel could wait. There was one thing I had been longing for...a hot shower. I left him sleeping while I slipped into the bathroom. The hot water felt wonderful. I smothered my body in showergel, drowned my hair in shampoo, washing away the memory of home-made soap and cold baths. The only thing that would have made it perfect would have been if I'd had someone to wash my back. No doubt the colonel would have volunteered. The colonel! He was still in my bed and I hadn't had the foresight to bring any clothes into the bathroom with me. There was nothing for it. I wrapped the biggest towel I could find around my body and crept back into the bedroom. He was still asleep, snoring gently to himself. That fact alone was surprising. He was usually the first one up. Guess I wasn't the only one who was tired. I started rummaging about, trying to find something I felt like wearing. Despite the fact that I was trying to be silent, I must have disturbed him.
"Nice towel."
He had opened one eye and was looking at me. The eye closed again and he rolled onto his back. He obviously wasn't planning to go anywhere anytime soon. I should have just thrown him out, but for some reason I couldn't bring myself to do it. After all he had risked being buried alive just to get me home and I did have some kind of obligation to him.
"I need clothes," I heard myself explain. "If you want to use the shower......"
"Sure, thanks."
Luckily he took the hint and climbed out of bed. It didn't seem to bother him that he was just wearing his boxers, while I was only dressed in a towel. I watched him walk across to the bathroom, mentally comparing him with Liam. The colonel was leaner and taller, but his body was just as well muscled and he had managed to control any tendency towards middle aged spread. I threw myself on the bed and groaned. Why was I having these thoughts? Why had the Colonel done this to me? It was all just too damn confusing.
"Sam?" his voice was close. "Are you OK?"
I wasn't, I realised. I might never be again. The colonel took me in his arms, cradling me close as if I was a child. I missed Adorra, I missed Liam. All I seemed to have left was my commanding officer who had suddenly revealed that he had feelings for me. A fact that could cost me my career. I had every right to cry. My colonel held me while I wept.
***************************************************************************
Jack O'Neill was whistling to himself as his walked into the locker room. He was happy, he was so damn happy. Everyone on the base had noticed his good mood, but Jack didn't care. It had been a month since Sam had come back from Adorra and he thanked God every time he saw her. That and the fact that they were 'unofficially' dating. At least Jack called it dating, he wasn't quite so certain what Sam thought it was. In his book, movies and dinners and generally spending their downtime together was dating and he wasn't going to let anyone tell him otherwise. She had seemed a little hesitant at first, but he had persevered, and last night...last night....Everything had been so right. Flowers, food, music, a little wine, good conversation and a long passionate goodnight kiss....which Sam had instigated. It had been very difficult for him to walk away, but he'd done it. Simply because he wanted this to work so badly. He wasn't going to push her into bed with him until they were both ready.
He had a vague awareness that there had been someone on Adorra whom she had been close to, but his thoughts didn't stray in that direction very often. Jack O'Neill could be very good at ignoring things he didn't like, including fraternisation regulations. He'd let himself be restrained by those rules for too long, his worry being that Sam wouldn't want to break them. Then when he'd almost lost her.....
"'Morning Campers," he grinned as Teal'c and Daniel joined him.
"May we assume that your plan was executed successfully?" Teal'c questioned.
"Worked like a charm Teal'c."
Jack high fived the very confused Jaffa. Teal'c studied his hand for a few seconds before filing away the experience as another incomprehensible human custom. Daniel seemed a little more hesitant to join in Jack's good humour. The archaeologist perhaps saw a different side of Sam. The part of her that was confused and worried by Jack's sudden change in attitude. He knew that Jack would never force her into anything, but he wondered how much opportunity she had actually been given to say no. O'Neill seemed determined to romance her into a relationship and, with Sam's current fragile emotional state, it would be a mistake of galactic proportions.
"So you and Sam....." Daniel began, then went bright red as he realised the implications of his question.
"Get your mind outta the gutter, Danny."
"Ah, good."
"Good, what the hell's that s'pposed to mean?"
"Nothing."
"Spill it, Daniel."
"I meant nothing."
"No, you didn't."
Daniel was backed up against the lockers, trying to find a way to escape from Jack's obvious anger. There was no doubt in his mind that he'd managed to say completely the wrong thing. Maybe Jack was a little more clued in than he'd thought?
"I'm just glad you're taking things slowly, for Sam's sake," he admitted.
Jack appeared to relax a little and he stepped away,
"I'd never hurt her, if that's what you're implying," he grunted.
The archaeologist kept his mouth shut this time. Jack thought he spoke the truth, but Daniel knew that those who loved the most deeply had the capacity to hurt ferociously. There was no doubt that Jack did love her. That much was evident as she stepped into the locker room. Jack's face lit up and, seeing that there was no one other than his friends watching, he dropped a kiss on Sam's forehead.
"Good morning," he smiled at her, then, "I gotta go see the general. Catch you guys later."
"Jack seems happy," Daniel commented once the other man had left.
"Yes," Sam agreed.
"And you?"
She turned to look at him, "Yes, Daniel, I think I am."
Jack's good mood evaporated a little as he walked towards Hammond's office. Daniel's words had concerned him a little and self doubt was started to creep into his mind. Was Sam as happy as she seemed? Come to think of it, why the hell was she even acting interested in him? Then he thought about the previous night. There was no way she could have faked the passion of that kiss. The grin spread back across his face and he started to whistle again.
"'Morning sir, how was the fishing this weekend?" he called out as he entered Hammond's office and appropriated a chair.
The general was used to Jack's lack of formality, under normal circumstances he wouldn't have minded. However, the day had ceased to be 'normal' approximately five hours ago. Hammond's expression indicated the fact and Jack immediately sobered up.
"Sir?" he questioned.
"I have just received a very disturbing communiqué from the Tollans," Hammond began. "And it seems that the Nox and the Asguard share their concerns. The bottom line is.......I'm going to have to ask you to do something that...well....could turn out to be mighty unpleasant."
"Whatever. You know that."
"Yes, Jack, I do...... And if there were any other way......"
"I understand, sir. What do you want me to do?"
Hammond explained and Jack's heart sank. He glanced through the glass partition that separated the general's office from the meeting room. SG1 were gathered for the morning briefing. Jack's eyes met Sam's and she smiled at him. He looked away, knowing that he was about to do something that would wipe that expression from her face. And he'd stupidly told Daniel that he would never hurt her. Yet he couldn't refuse the General's request. When it came down to it, Jack was a soldier. He obeyed orders.
Well....he obeyed Hammond's orders.
Usually.
In this case the General had every right to ask. As much as it hurt, Jack had to admit that this was more important than Sam....Hell, it was more important than anything. He could only hope that she would forgive him.
***************************************************************************
"So when was your last period?" Janet asked me.
I barely heard the question, I was still too shocked.
"While I was on Adorra," I admitted. "I knew I was due, but then the rescue party turned up and I figure what with the stress and everything....."
My words faded. This couldn't be happening to me. Not to me. Then again I hadn't been careful. How could I? Popping to the all-night garage for a packet of three just wasn't possible on Adorra. If I had still been there it wouldn't have mattered. What the hell was Jack going to say?
"There's no chance that this is Colonel O'Neill's?" She had obviously given up trying to be subtle when it came to my relationship with Jack.
"No....not unless he used a turkey baster while I wasn't looking," I replied.
Janet was a little shocked by my coarse words. Hell, if I was actually pregnant I could blame any strange behaviour on the hormones. She knew I'd been seeing alot of Jack. We'd talked about little else over the past few weeks. Janet had urged me to go slow and think about what I was doing, why I was doing it. I hadn't needed her advice, I was nervous enough for both of us. There was the nagging feeling that I was just using him as a replacement for Liam. I didn't want to do that. Maybe this news was better than I thought. It would be a fairly painless way to break off things with Jack without hurting him too much.
I shouldn't have kissed him last night. Now that had been all my fault. I thought that he would have asked to stay. The pressure I felt when his body pressed against mine told me that he wanted to, yet he walked away. I got the feeling that he did it out of respect for me. Strange, I had never figured Jack for the sit back and wait type. If anything, the last month had taught me that there was a great deal more to my Colonel than met the eye. I would never have thought that he would be the one to figure out what had happened to the 'Gate on Adorra, but he had. Admittedly, I would probably have worked it out sooner, but credit where credit's due. Jack's like that. He may get confused, but he usually gets there in the end. Daniel had been the one who let me know what had really happened while I had been gone.
"So what are you going to do?" Janet asked me.
"Have the baby," I replied.
There was no doubt in my mind about that. Where, was another matter. I found myself wondering if Jack would accept another man's child. What was I thinking? I couldn't ask that much of him. For perhaps the first time in my life I had no idea what I was going to do. I was scared...no make that terrified.
"Hold off telling anyone until you've had your first scans," Janet advised.
"Is there a problem?" I asked.
"No. We just need to make sure."
"OK."
I took a deep breath. I could cope with this. After all I had plenty of friends who would help me and....I'd have to go back to Adorra. Liam had a right to know. Oh God, why did this have to happen? Calm had given way to hysteria again. It was all getting too much. Janet seemed to recognise that I wasn't feeling to good. She placed a calming hand on my shoulder,
"Why don't you go home?" she suggested.
"I think I might."
I should've noticed. There had been other signs. Nausea....although I hadn't actually been sick. My bust measurement had gone up a couple of cup sizes and I had been putting on weight. I thought It was all due to readjusting to life back on Earth. Truth was, I had blatantly ignored the symptoms because I simply didn't want to know. There was too much else going on in my life. I had very little room for a baby.
Home was a blessed sanctuary, somewhere I hoped that I could get my head together. I let myself in a went straight to the fridge. It seemed to be full of stuff I wasn't supposed to eat anymore and I found myself praying that I wouldn't end up looking like a beached whale. No more alcohol either, I tipped the remains of a bottle of Chardonnay down the sink. I'd been planning to finish it tonight, when Jack came over. In that moment I knew that I'd have to give him the bad news. I couldn't let him assume responsibility for what had been my mistake.
As if in answer to my thoughts, the doorbell rang. I knew it was him. I answered the door, he looked like hell. For a second I thought that Janet had told him, but I quickly realised that she wouldn't have done that. I opened my mouth to say hello, but he stopped me with a kiss. With an earth shattering, heart pounding kiss. As we back pedalled into my apartment, I realised that this was no longer a man who was prepared to wait.
That night, all we wanted to do was feel. I have no excuse for what happened. Maybe, in some part of my mind, I thought that loving him would make everything all right....and give me the excuse I needed to stay on Earth. I would have lied to him. Told him that the child was his. Anything to make him stay with me. Making love to Jack was something that I'd dreamed of. He didn't disappoint me. Liam had held me as if he thought I would break. Jack respected my strength. He used it, he gloried in the physicality of sex and I followed his lead. He wedded himself to me, body and soul.
When we finally stilled, lying entwined across my bed, he pushed my sweat darkened hair away from my face and smiled,
"Remember, whatever happens. I love you," he told me, tracing his finger across my lips.
"Love you too, Jack," I whispered.
"Promise me?"
"I promise."
I allowed myself a happy sigh and snuggled against him. There would be a few aching muscles tomorrow, but I wasn't going to complain. I rested my head against his chest, listening to his heartbeat. The steady rhythm eased me into sleep.
When I woke he was gone. The other side of the bed was cold and there was no sign that he had ever been at my side.
***************************************************************************
He was bored. Jack turned the chess board around and tried to concentrate on his next move. He had been bored from the moment he had 'retired'. Now he was reduced to drinking beer and playing chess against himself. Hammond had better be right. If he was forced to endure to much of this he'd go nuts.....if he wasn't already. He had be slightly insane to be doing this. His act must have been pretty convincing. Even his nearest and dearest were looking at him with ill-disguised disgust. Sam had been devastated. She hadn't said anything, but he'd seen it in her eyes. She could talk with those eyes. He looked into them and saw entire conversations. She was hurting more than anyone had any right to...and it was all his fault.
Going to her that night had been a mistake. He knew that now. Hammond's orders had thrown him for a loop and he'd suddenly had the burning need to show Sam how he felt....just in case he never got the chance. Then he'd had to pretend it never happened.....That he didn't care. He'd told her that he loved her, he could only hope that she would remember those words when the time came for him to be himself again.
Sick of the lonely chess game, Jack conceded the contest to himself and knocked his king over in defeat. He took his beer outside and stood in the garden, hoping to find a little peace. The grass needed cutting, he realised. There was nothing else for him to do so he wandered out towards the garage to find the mower. As he walked round to the front of the house he spotted Sam's car. She was sitting in it, obviously trying to decide if she dared go up to the front door and speak to him. Any hope that he might have slipped away without her knowing were dashed as she turned her head and their eyes met. Very slowly, as if she regretted the action, Sam got out of her car.
Jack felt his heart skip a beat. Dressed in lilac, she looked beautiful. It was all Jack could do to stop himself running to her and blurting out the whole sorry story. He forced himself to stay still as she approached, knowing that they would be watching his every move. Even in his own home he had to keep the up the act.
"Hi," Sam began.
"Hi yourself," Jack returned.
He took a swig of his beer and pretended to be interested in anything other than her face. If he looked into her eyes he knew that he would never be able to go through with this.
"I wondered if we could talk," she continued.
"'bout what?"
"Er.....the other night?"
"What about it? We fucked, it was fun, end of story."
Even without looking at her directly he could sense the complete and utter dismay his words caused.
"I got what I wanted, didn't you?" he added.
"Jack...you said you loved me."
"You've been around the block a few times, Carter. You know a guy doesn't mean that stuff."
The one emotion he hadn't been prepared for was anger. He'd expected, tears, pleading, even silence but not the sensation of her fist connecting with his jaw. It hurt. Then again, she'd meant it to. There were times when Jack allowed himself to forget that Sam was a soldier. A soldier who had level three advanced hand to hand. Sitting on his butt in the dust, his palm holding his aching jaw, suddenly gave him every reason to remember. He tried to get up, but she decked him again. Then she stepped back to look at him. For a second he thought that she had seen through his facade, but she just turned on her heel and walked away.
Jack felt like shit. He couldn't possibly sink any lower in her opinion. The lies he had been forced to tell made him feel physically sick.
"Remember what I said, Carter," he yelled after her, hoping that she'd understand.
But she chose not to hear him. Jack lay back on the hard dirt, his eyes fixed on the blue sky as he listened to her car pulling away.
***************************************************************************
I wished I could just go out and get blind drunk. My brain still had trouble registering what had happened. I finally work out that I'm in love with my CO and he goes psycho on me. I guess I hadn't known him at all. Is it me? Is it something I do to these guys? I sleep with them and they take a reality check! The problem was....the problem was..... His words had rung true, but maybe he'd just said what he thought I'd wanted to hear.
That night was one of the longest I've ever spent. I slept on the couch, unable to stomach going into the bedroom. Too many memories. Every second I'd spent with Jack replayed in my head as I tried to convince myself that there was a reason for his behaviour. I couldn't think of one. If Janet had seen me she would have had a blue fit. She'd been telling me that I should take better care of myself, especially given my circumstances. I think I'd been hoping that Jack would volunteer for the job. Again I was guilty of trying to heal someone who just didn't want it. Jack's romantic overtures had been nothing more than an attempt to get me into bed. But if that was the case, why had he risked so much to rescue me from Adorra? After we had got back, as we spent more time together, I had convinced myself that Liam had been right. I didn't belong on Adorra, my place was at my colonel's side.
When I went back to work, I heard on the grapevine that Jack had been on base and that he had requested retirement off-world. That hurt me more than anything else. I finally realised that our separation was going to be permanent.
We met by accident. I'd gone to the commissary to get coffee and he was sitting there, nursing a glass of water. I hadn't meant to say anything to him. After all our last conversation hadn't gone that well. I was lucky he hadn't brought me up on assault charges. Damn, but I'd hit him hard. My knuckles were still bruised and sore. He got up to leave as soon as he saw me, I couldn't help myself, I followed him.
"Jack," I called after him.
"What?" he snapped back at me, stopping in the corridor.
"I....I heard you were leaving."
"Yes."
"Where are you going?"
"Argos."
"Argos? Kynthia?"
That hurt. Kynthia was everything I wasn't with regards to physical attraction. She had latched onto the colonel the second he had stepped into their village and hadn't let go. I admitted I was jealous....I'd been jealous then but now I had good cause.
"Yes," he supplied. He didn't seem at all bothered by the idea.
"But...but that was years ago."
"So? If she doesn't want me they'll be someone else. The Argosians were very welcoming....if I recall correctly."
This was even more incomprehensible. Jack had never mentioned Kynthia in the years since our trip to Argos.
"Anything else, major?" he asked.
"No, I guess not."
Nothing. There were nothing more we could say to each other. I searched his face, trying to see something that reminded me of the man I had known. His words came back to mock me,
'Remember, whatever happens, I love you.'
If I could only get his voice out of my head. The lie was still incomprehensible.
"Bye, then," he muttered and turned his back on me.
"Hey!" I stopped him by placing a hand on his arm, he flinched at my touch. A strange reaction from a man who professes not to care. Part of me still felt a connection with him. Jack may have been able to hide from me with his words, but his physical responses were another matter.
"Look after yourself , sir" I finished.
Jack walked away from me and didn't glance back.
My choices had always been limited, but suddenly everything was clear. In the final anlysis, given Jack's apparent change of heart, there was very little else I could do. As soon as Jack had left I went to see General Hammond and handed him my resignation. He blustered a little, and tried to persuade me to stay, but I didn't let his words sway my decision. I think I shocked him. First I dropped the pregnancy into the conversation, and then the exact details of my relationship with Jack. I don't know what he thought of me, and to be honest, I didn't really care. His permission was grudging, but he gave it in the end. After all, Jack wasn't the only one who had connections off-world.
It was almost a relief to step through the gate and back on Adorran soil. My life here had been infinitely simpler and I felt an immediate sense of relaxation as I walked towards the village. The Adorran's had been busy. They had obviously worked hard to eradicate the damage caused by the fire rain. Most of the villagers seemed to be in the fields, preparing the ground for spring planting. I spotted Liam right away, his blonde hair and broad figure made him stand out from the others. Seeing him again, brought home the fact that I had made the right decision. I started to hurry towards him. He was going to have one hell of a surprise.
*********************
"Where's Sam?" Jack asked after Hammond had guided the Tollan representatives out of the gateroom.
He was desperate to see her. Now the whole charade was over he knew that he had more than a little explaining to do. Daniel shuffled his feet uncomfortably and gazed at the ceiling.
"Danny?" Jack warned.
"She's not here, Jack," he admitted.
"I can see that, where is she?"
"Gone, which part don't you understand!"
Jack took an involuntary step backwards. He'd never seen Daniel this angry and upset. What the hell had happened?
"Even if you couldn't tell me what this was all about, you should have told Sam. She's military, you could have trusted her."
"It wasn't that easy....."
"If you had she might have stayed."
They were back to his original question. Where had Sam gone? Had she transferred out, gone back to the pentagon...what? And why wouldn't anyone tell him? Jack took several deep breaths, trying to stop himself slamming Daniel up against the wall and beating the information out of him. It was his own fault. He should have told Sam. Hell, he'd broken the fraternisation regulation easily enough, it wouldn't have been that much of a leap to disobey Hammond's order.
"OK, I'm an idiot, so tell me where she is," he tried again.
"She went back to Adorra."
"What? Then I'll go and get her."
"Jack, Sam's pregnant. Apparently she got a little closer to one of the Adorran's than we realised."
If anything Jack's face became more determined.
"She doesn't love him," he asserted.
"You don't know that."
"Sam loves me."
"Jack...."
"She must have gone back to say goodbye."
"I don't think so."
Jack's face was set. He wasn't going to accept any other possible explanation for her behaviour. Daniel wondered how the man could be so blind. Was it love that was making him behave this way? Or just his own stubborn nature? Sam had been hurting and she'd run back to the one place she'd felt safe. At least, that was the way Daniel had read the situation. She probably didn't want to see Jack again, and who could blame her. The fact of the matter was, Daniel wasn't overly enamoured with the man at present.
"I'm going to get her back," Jack announced and started up to the control room.
"I can't let you do that, Son" Hammond interrupted, quietly.
No one had realised that he had witnessed the exchange. He came forward, his very presence was enough to stop Jack.
"Why?" he asked.
"You broke the regulations, Jack, and from what I understand both parties were more than willing. Major Carter made the decision to return to Adorra rather than face court-martial."
"Court-martial? General you can't be serious?"
"I'm not in any position to ignore the regulations, Jack. Especially considering recent events. You had to have realised that! I transferred Major Carter to head up the mining operation. That way she could be close to the child's father."
The General had never seen Jack look so deflated. He did feel sorry for the man, but Carter hadn't really given him any choice. Her frank admission had put him in a very awkward position.
"Look, sir, I just want to talk to her. I promise I won't try an' drag her back by her hair," Jack asked. "but I have to let her know that I'm not some traitorous bastard who slept with her for kicks."
"I know this is difficult....," Hammon began.
"Please, sir?"
"The supply drop is due in a week. You can accompany SG11."
"Thankyou."
Jack accepted Hammond's offer with more grace than he actually felt. He knew that using the gate for personal purposes would be frowned upon, even so he really didn't want to wait. He was dammed if he was going to lose out to some muscle bound farmer who probably owned more cows than braincells and the longer Sam was on Adorra, the harder it would be to talk her into leaving. The fact that she was pregnant hadn't really hit home. He was too absorbed by the fact that she had left him....correction, he had driven her away. The week crawled by, and he got progressively more bad tempered. Everyone on the base avoided him...even Teal'c. Especially, as Jack had managed to beat crap out of the jaffa during one of their regular boxing bouts. Something that was unknown in the memories of the personnel. A sigh of relief passed through the gateroom when he finally left.
The Adorrans were having a party. Every house was decorated with flowers, and the people moved freely through the streets, shouting and laughing. SG11 walked into the village and were immediately dragged into the celebration. Jack deliberately held back, his eyes searching for a flash of blonde hair and that perfect smile. Everyone seemed to be heading towards the main square, the villagers forming a joyous procession as they walked together. The crowd gathered quickly and Jack was well aware of the thrill of anticipation which seemed to run through them. He was standing towards the back of the open area, still trying to work out what was going on. There were several people gathered at the front, slightly away from everyone else. A cold feeling sunk in Jack's stomach as he recognised one of them. It was Liam and the man had a smile on his face.
There was a movement behind him and the people parted, leaving a clear path to the front of the square. Jack's mouth dropped open when he recognised one of the women who walked down the aisle. She was dressed in Adorran clothes, but the fabric was somehow finer, the colour brighter. There was no doubt that this dress had been made for a special occasion. Her pregnancy hadn't started to show, yet Jack found himself aware of the slightly exaggerated swell of her breasts and the subtle curve of her hips. She didn't notice him as she glided past. He wanted to call out, but somehow he couldn't make his voice work. The people closed in behind the party of women and Jack found himself suddenly feeling isolated. He didn't belong here, but it was obvious that Sam did. With difficulty, he started to push his way out of the crowd.
He walked away from the village, not wanting to look back. It was only the sound of a soft voice that stopped him. A voice that knew his name.
"Jack? Is that you?" the woman stepped towards him, smiling.
"Lara?" he questioned.
"It's good to see you again."
"Likewise......Not joining in the party?"
"No. I do not enjoy weddings."
"Me neither. Look I'm not good company right now. I'm just going to wait for the rest of my team and then I'll be outta here."
"Wait with me, Jack?"
"Sure....why not?"
***************************************************************************
I was tired. The celebrations had really taken it out of me. Dancing at someone's wedding is all very well, but my body just didn't have the stamina that it used to. I stayed as long as I could, afterall I had made a promise, but before the party really started I had to make my excuses. My bed was calling to me. I wished the happy couple farewell and started to make my way home.
The streets seemed vary dark as I walked through them. I had to admit that I felt a little lonely. Weddings do that to me sometimes, especially this one. Oh I wasn't sorry. In fact, I think both of us were a little relieved. Liam had offered to do 'the right thing' when I told him about my pregnancy, despite the fact that he was betrothed by that time. Apparently, his intended had been one of those evacuated to Earth during the fire rain. I had quickly explained that I, also, was in love with someone else. He didn't seem very surprised and even went as far as to say 'I told you so'.
In a strange sort of way we had both used each other as emotional replacements, but I think we could have been happy if the 'gate hadn't been opened again. Liam appreciated the fact that I was going to be around long enough for him to see his child born and that was one of the reasons for me being here. The other one...well...I was kinda hoping that he'd see the error of his ways and come looking for me. I had refused to ask after him when I'd briefly spoken to the guys of SG11. They had been full of some big bust that had gone down at the base and it was difficult to get anything sensible out of them.
The night smelled wonderful, with the hint of spring in the air. I lingered a little as I walked home, just enjoying the fresh air. My ears caught voices. A man's low rumble, followed by a higher pitched giggle. I guess I wasn't the only one to feel that spring was upon us. I wished them luck, whoever they were. Let's face it, they had to have made better choices than I had. I allowed a small sigh to pass my lips as I let myself into the house.
I lit a candle and built up the fire. The air could get pretty chilly at.....I remembered the first night that Jack and I had spent together. He had kept me warm, when my homeworld seemed so strange and alien. Falling in love with him had been incredibly easy. Wrong......stupid.....but easy. If I was honest with myself, I had probably been ninety percent there before I even went to Adorra. I was thinking of him as I stood warming myself by the fire.
"Samantha."
The low voice made me jump. At first I thought it was a dream, but as I turned around he stepped into the circle of firelight. God, he looked gorgeous. He walked towards me, his brown eyes dark with passion. I stood transfixed, I couldn't move.
"Remember, whatever happens, I love you," he reminded me.
I knew that. It had taken me some time to realise the meaning of his words, but I had worked it out at the end. Which was why I had refused Liam. I wasn't about to settle for second best. Even so my first impulse was to ask.....
"Why?"
He didn't answer immediately, preferring to walk towards me and anoint my lips with a gentle kiss.
"The General asked me to go undercover. Turned out that Maybourne and a bunch of his NID pals were stealing alien technology. I had to stop it, Sam. The Tollans, the Nox and the Asguard would have broken off relations with us if I hadn't."
"And you couldn't say anything?"
His arms went around me and he pulled me into a hug. My head rested on his shoulder as his low voice continued,
"Sam.....I'm sorry. What else can I say? I tried to tell you."
He had. In his way, but Jack had never been very good with words. He preferred actions. Even now his hands were stroking my hair, twining themselves in the fine strands.
"What happens next time?" I asked.
"There won't be a next time," he promised.
I wish I could have believed him. But I knew Jack O'Neill. When his country...his planet.....called, he would answer.....as would I. So what could we do? I knew what Jack wanted, but I wasn't so sure about myself. He drew back a little way, one hand resting on my waist, the other cupping my cheek. This kiss was sweet and tender, designed to reassure and comfort me.
"I'm not going to risk losing you again, If Lara hadn't told me that it wasn't you marryin' Liam.....,"
I looked a him....Marrying Liam? He'd thought.....I allowed myself a small smirk, at least there had been some payback for the grief he'd put me through.
"I'll do anything you want," he told me.
"Then leave me here. Don't try and make me come home."
He gave an audible gulp. I could tell that he didn't like that idea, but I knew that I had to stay. My child's safety had to come first....and I felt secure here. I placed my hand on my stomach. Jack saw the gesture and understood my reluctance. He put his hand over mine, unconsciously accepting the child that grew within me.
"OK," he agreed, "Your tour here won't last forever, I guess I can handle that."
I snuggled up close to him, letting his arms warm away the last of the night chill.
"Besides, Teal'c has a wife on another world.....why shouldn't you?" I added.
THE END
Story Notes: NOTES: I noticed there was no fanfic when I looked at my mail this morning, si I felt that it was my civic duty to provide some :):) A What happens if story. What would have happened if Sam had been the one stuck on Adorra for 100 Days.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]