***
If you could only see the way she loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do
If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says
When she says she loves me
***
He wasn't sure what had prompted him to go to the bar that night. It may have simply been that he was bored with sitting at home, or on base night after night, watching hockey games, when he already knew the outcome or the re-runs currently showing of the Simpson's episodes where he already knew each episode by heart.
It may also have had something to do with the fact that it had been Carter who'd asked him.
Ever since Daniel had de-ascended, she had been with him virtually every moment of the day, trying to help him regain his memories so that he could be fully re-incorporated into SGC.
Jack wasn't sure what they were going to do about Jonas though.
The General hadn't wanted SG-1 to be a three-man team when Daniel had ascended, and Jack had to wonder if he'd find a five-man team more acceptable. Despite his initial misgivings about Jonas, which had lasted nearly the whole time that they had been together, he found that he had become quite fond of the Kelownan.
Annoying grins and all.
He found that he didn't appreciate Jonas in the way that he had been fond of Daniel however. That man was like a brother to him, but Jonas has more than earned his place on SG-1 and if they were going to use the `last in, first out' system, then Jack knew that Jonas would be leaving.
Not that he wasn't happy to have Daniel back, he had saved Jack's life on more than one occasion, but he couldn't help but think it unfair that Jonas' hard work over the previous two years would be dismissed so easily.
He'd been having the same thoughts when Carter had come into his office and asked him if he'd like to go to O'Malley's that night. "I think it would be a good opportunity for Daniel and Jonas to get to know each other a bit better," she'd said. He'd readily agreed.
Both because it was a good idea and because she'd asked him.
Which is how, an hour later, he found himself sitting at a table across from Carter while he listened to Jonas, next to her, Daniel, next to him and Teal'c, in between him and Carter, argue about something or other. He thought that, perhaps, it was about board games, but the mention of hair dye came into it at one point and he decided that he'd be better off staying right out of that conversation.
O'Malley's was surprisingly quiet, even for a Wednesday evening. The air still smelled of stale cigarette smoke, beer and their infamous steak, but none of the five people sitting at a table by the exit seemed to notice.
The few other patrons that were in the steak house-cum-bar, were all lined up in front of the bar tender, or over playing pool. Jack wondered if SG-1's own little pool shark, also known as Carter, was going to wipe the floor with them later.
He was surprised that he actually found himself having a reasonably good time.
It wouldn't be until the next evening that he would realize just how bad an idea it had been to go there. He knew precisely why because he had the heartache to prove it.
***
They had long ago forgotten their beers, and had moved from having the occasional Tequila chaser to doing shots. Carter had done a few lick, sip, suck's but had gone back to slammers with the rest of them as Teal'c watched on in silence, happily drinking his Ginger Ale. Jack thought that maybe the big guy had an addiction. He'd told the others too.
Jonas, in all his innocence, had simply asked; "Can we send him to Ginger Ale's Anonymous?"
Daniel had snorted loudly and Carter had spluttered and liberally sprayed his neck and cheek in the shot that she'd been about to swallow. A drop of the liquid had stung him in the eye, and he used the heel of his palm to rub furiously at his burning retina. "Gah!"
"Sir! I'm sorry!" Her words were clear, despite the large quantity of alcohol that she'd consumed.
He waved her off with the hand not currently trying to save his eye. "S'ok."
"I'll get you a cloth!" Daniel announced.
Through the peripheral vision of his left eye, Jack saw Daniel stand, and rapidly descend towards the ground at an alarming rate. It was going to hurt when he made contact, he thought, and seconds later her heard the unmistakable `thud' of his friend against the hardwood floor.
No one at the table moved or even blinked. Jack's hand stop moving over his eye and he waited until he heard the inevitable cry of "I'm all right!" before he resumed rubbing his eye once more. Ow, damnit. Ow. That hurt.
"Sir….you want a damp cloth?"
It couldn't hurt, he decided, watching with amusement as Daniel pulled himself back up on the chair that he had vacated in favor of the floor. He nodded in the direction that he was reasonably certain she was in, though it could have been a very yellow mop. "Thanks Carter." A blur moved past him as she went to hunt down a damp cloth.
"So, have you told her yet?"
He stopped rubbing and the stinging started again. "Told who what?"
"Sam…you know, about what you did in the time warps?"
Damnit his eye hurt, he was tired, cranky and he was pretty sure that the Tequila may have burnt his esophagus. Given his current situation, he didn't exactly want to listen to drunk-Daniel-babble at the moment. "Huh?"
Teal'c, probably the only sober one among them, chose that moment to join the conversation. "I believe that Daniel Jackson is referring to the time loop that we underwent several years ago. You kissed Major Carter."
"Who kissed me?" Carter asked, stumbling back with the cloth. "Barman sent this over for you sir."
"Thanks Carter." He nodded, holding the cloth up to his eye. Damn, it stung too.
She sat down again and poured herself another gulp from the Tequila bottle that they'd ordered, careful to move her head away from his direction as she downed the shot. "So, who kissed me?"
He opened his mouth to say no one, or come up with some lame joke before Daniel had started to speak. Tequila must have slowed him down because before he could save himself from certain Carter-induced death, Daniel spoke. "Jack did….in the time warps!" He announced proudly.
Shit.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, *shit.*
She was looking at him and Jack was more than a little concerned that she was gonna spit Tequila in his left eye too, but he was determined to look at the floor. He would not meet her eyes, he would not meet her eyes, he would not- crap.
"Sir?"
She didn't look amused, while Daniel was giggling his so-dead ass off. "Carter?"
"You wanna tell me what happened?"
No! "Sure." He nodded enthusiastically, and then stayed silent.
"Sir?"
Crap. "Stand up Carter." It wasn't really an order, but she obeyed nevertheless.
She stood next to his chair, looking down at him. Jack stood and found out just how close she had been standing. "Well, I handed the General my resignation, you asked me what I was resigning for, I looked at my watch," He did… hey, it was almost midnight! "And then I said `so I can do this' and then I….well, you know."
"No, I don't." She sounded incredibly sober.
This was such a bad idea…..he cupped her face in both of his hands and pulled her to him, bringing his lips down onto hers. It took only seconds for her to respond and when she did, he dipped her, just as he had done three years earlier. Only this time, he didn't release her, and there was no bright flash, followed by a bowl of bloody fruit loops, to interrupt them just as he felt her tongue slip into his mouth.
Jack, and his body, were really starting to get into the kiss when he realized exactly where they were, exactly who was with them, and exactly what they were doing.
Pulling back, perhaps a little more forceful that he'd intended, Jack opened his eyes. Carter's normally blue irises were dark with desire, confusion and something else that he couldn't, or perhaps wouldn't, name.
"And that's what happened." He finished weakly, trying to gain control of his breathing and his hormones.
She was as breathless as he was, which was a small comfort. "I see."
***
How he'd ended up sharing a cab with Carter, he'd never know. Daniel, who had just gotten a new apartment, lived a lot closer to her than he did, but somehow Jack had found himself sitting in the back of the taxi in silence with Carter, while they watched the passing scenery out of their respective windows.
The next thing that he knew, she'd paid for the cab fare and they were walking up her pathway to the front steps of her porch. Now *this*, walking into Carter's house with her, was what he called a *really* bad idea.
Jack had barely closed her front door behind him before she pinned him to it, her mouth hot on his and her hands doing deliciously wicked things to his body. He couldn't breath for one terrifying moment, his body froze, his mind went blank and all of his major organs, barring one, ceased operations.
"Carter!" He managed to get the word out, despite the fact that her tongue was halfway down his throat.
"I want you." She muttered, and he had the worst sense of deja'vu in history.
Regrettably, he pushed her back, holding her at arms length while he glanced over her; rising chest with her rapid breathing, flushed face, swollen lips. She'd never looked more beautiful to him, but he may have been a little biased. "No. You don't."
"You can't tell me what I want, Jack."
God, he dreamed about hearing his name slip past her lips so many times before, but this wasn't right. "Carter. You're drunk, I won't take advantage of you."
"And what if I want you to?" Considering how much alcohol she had in her system, her eyes were incredibly lucid.
"You don't." He assured her. "You won't throw your career away for a one night stand Carter, it's not you."
Her arms folded across her chest in a defensive position. "And what makes you so sure that it would be a one night stand?"
"It would be Carter. You've told me yourself that you don't like lying to the people you know outside of the SGC. How would you feel about lying to the people that you *do* know at the SGC?" He shook his head sadly. "It's not you, Carter."
"It could be."
"No. That's not the person that I fell in love with." Some small part of his brain registered that he'd just told her that he was in love with her, but he didn't seem to care at the moment.
"You've never said that to me before."
"What?"
"That you love me."
"You knew that I did."
She shrugged a little. "It's still nice to hear it. It's nice to know that you feel that way, because I've known for a long time how much I love you." He couldn't tear his gaze away from her eyes as she uttered those three little words. That was the emotion that he saw in her eyes at the bar earlier that night, the one he hadn't wanted to name, he realized.
He wanted to believe that she was sober enough to understand the words that were coming from her mouth, but he couldn't be sure. "Carter…..Sam. You've had too much to drink, and you really don't know what you're saying."
Her pretty features hardened at his words. "Fine. I'm going to bed. You know where the couch is." She called over her shoulder, retreating towards her room.
***
When Jack finally opened his eyes the next morning, he saw Carter sitting in a chair by the sofa, watching him. He moved and felt his back protesting about spending the night on her uncomfortable couch.
"You don't get it do you?"
It was too early for this, he decided, rubbing the sleep from his tired eyes. "Don't get what?"
"That I want to be with you."
Finally, he sat up to face her. "What we do at the SGC is more important than anything else, even us. Isn't that why we agreed to leave it in that room? Because we knew what we were doing was more important? We can't give up on that Carter, you and I both know that all too well."
"Why can't we be lovers as well as teammates? Our relationship is something that we've tried to keep away from work, why couldn't we do it on a more regular basis? Why can't we have both?" She demanded, standing.
He mirrored her position with little grace. "Preferential treatment of a team member? What would happen if we were in a relationship, and I had to choose between saving you or the SGC? Which do you think I'd choose?"
"The SGC."
"You really think that I would choose the mountain over you?" He was shocked that she felt so sure of his response.
"You've done it before." She reminded him sadly. "When the Entity took over my body, you zatted me twice to save the mountain."
"Yes, but I didn't know that you weren't in there."
"Exactly. And you still shot me." She had a point, that much he would admit. "I've accepted that I'll die in the service of my country. I've also accepted that I will never be officially recognized as a hero of the country. I know that no one else will ever know how many times I've saved the planet from Goa'uld domination. I'm not talking about martyrdom, Jack; for Earth or the SGC." She paused, a deep sucking hole of pain and disappointment siphoning all hope and courage out of her heart. The intense physical pain that this emotional realization brought staggered her and she shuddered.
"Then what are you talking about?" He asked, exasperated.
"I'm talking about sacrifice, Jack; personal sacrifice. For you. And until you completely understand what I'm saying here…." she shrugged leaving the sentence open for him to draw his own conclusion about what he would be losing.
A sad smile of acknowledgment creating furrowed lines next to her eyes.
She turned and headed for the door, opening it into the safety of her bedroom, granting her no reprieve from the oppressive air that had descended over her living room.
"Sam." his voice was hollow and worried and for an insane split second, she was tempted to turn and look at him.
But she knew with a certainty that she would forgive him for his insensitive nature and forget that he didn't understand her. She knew that she would do that and she would live with that little corner of disappointment for the rest of her life; having it rear it's ugly head every time he unintentionally let her down. Lowering her head in determination, she stepped inside of the room, alone.
Completely and utterly alone.
***
Jack watched as she walked away, a frown on his features. Yes, he did understand what she was saying, he understood it all too well, but could he let her do that? Let her potentially throw her career away for a tired old soldier with nothing much to offer?
She had made it perfectly clear that she would, that she wanted to, but would he forgive himself if he let her? The decision that she had made, the offer that she had presented him with could potentially screw up her life in so many ways that it wasn't funny.
The military part of his brain was telling him to get the hell out of her house while he could, go back to his empty house, his empty bed, and sleep like this was all some sort of warped dream. His heart, however, was telling him that she was probably in there crying because he was an insensitive old prick, and he should go in and sort this thing out now.
He wanted to be with her: that was something that he had never doubted. But he couldn't put her through all that trouble when he was the only reward. Was it worth it if he was the only thing that she would gain when she stood to loose so much?
Walking slowly and deliberately, Jack stepped up to her door, trepidation flowing heavily through his veins. Was this the right thing to do? Probably not. The conversation that would happen between them if he went in there would, no doubt, either make or break their relationship.
Jack took a deep breath, opened the door, and stepped into her room.
***
End.
Story Notes: Spoilers: Window of Opportunity, Homecoming (Haven't seen it yet so the spoilers are minor) D&C
Season/sequel: Daniel is back but Jonas hasn't gone yet.
Author's notes: This was a response to 5 challenges. First, Divine Joker, who told me to use a song in a fic, but not necessarily the stereotypical Song!Fic and she gave me a paragraph of writing and told me to work with it. Vicky, who wanted Sam to find out about the WoO kiss. Nic, who wanted more angst, and myself, because I wanted to screw with their emotions. *eg*
Feedback: Hell yeah! Don't make me beg, hit reply and stroke my ego please.
Dedication: As always, for LEW. Divine Joker and our mutual admiration society, Nic, for everything and Vicky for the constant nagging to get this finished. Hope it lives up to all of your expectations.
Date: 9-10-2003
Copyright © to Venom, 2003
Season/sequel: Daniel is back but Jonas hasn't gone yet.
Author's notes: This was a response to 5 challenges. First, Divine Joker, who told me to use a song in a fic, but not necessarily the stereotypical Song!Fic and she gave me a paragraph of writing and told me to work with it. Vicky, who wanted Sam to find out about the WoO kiss. Nic, who wanted more angst, and myself, because I wanted to screw with their emotions. *eg*
Feedback: Hell yeah! Don't make me beg, hit reply and stroke my ego please.
Dedication: As always, for LEW. Divine Joker and our mutual admiration society, Nic, for everything and Vicky for the constant nagging to get this finished. Hope it lives up to all of your expectations.
Date: 9-10-2003
Copyright © to Venom, 2003
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]