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Story Notes: Light and Dark 06: Season/Sequel: 8. Light and Dark story #6, follows 'Do What You Have to Do'.

Category: Series, Post-ep/Missing Scene for LC pt2, Angst, Thoughts, S/J UST.

Spoilers: 'Chimera', 'Lost City 1+2', other stories in the series.

Ruthie, who is being evil and loving it: welcome to the dark side! ;)



"How stupid could I be
a simpleton could see
that you're no good for me
but you're the only one I see"
- 'Stupid', Sarah McLachlan


Punching the pillow didn't help.

Getting an extra blanket didn't help.

Having no blankets didn't help.

She started to sigh and ended up yawning, swinging her legs over the side of the bed and pushing herself up. Barefoot, she padded over the floor, out of her bedroom and down the short hall to her kitchen.

Maybe a drink would help. A nice glass of cold water.

Sam snorted.

She could do with something a lot stronger.

Sitting on one of the stools at the breakfast bar, she let her elbows rest on the tiled surface and propped her chin up on her hands.

If only there was a way to switch off her brain, just for a few hours.

Unfortunately, there wasn't. And that meant having to deal with the hurricane of thoughts storming through her mind.

For a fleeting second she wished Pete were there. At least then she wouldn't feel so alone.

Then again, would his presence make much of a difference?

Probably not.

He was a lovely guy. Some would say perfect. He was sweet and funny, caring and loyal, trustworthy. He wasn't hard to look at either, which always helped, but it wasn't enough anymore.

Nothing seemed enough anymore.

'Stupid,' she told herself harshly, 'you're so stupid.'

What other word could there be to describe a woman who had a perfectly wonderful man on the verge of falling in love with her but who still wanted more?

There was nothing wrong with Pete. Nothing at all. He was a good friend and she hoped he always would be.

The only thing in the negative column was one thing that couldn't be changed.

One thing he never could be.

One person he could never be.

It was stupid to feel the way she did.

Stupid not to love a man who any another woman would count themselves to be damned lucky to have.

Stupid to love someone she still couldn't be with.

Her eyes slid closed and she forced her mind to move in another direction.

Having a three-man team was a new experience at the SGC but it seemed to be working. She suspected it was the only solution that would work for SG-1 given the circumstances. They'd had a hard enough time trying to replace Daniel when he'd ascended, trying to find a fourth to replace the Colonel.

The General, she reminded herself, ignoring the stab in her chest.

General O'Neill.

Besides, she mused, Daniel and Teal'c and even the General had made it clear to the President and the Joint Chiefs that they'd only be happy if she was given command of the unit.

God knows she'd been through enough to deserve it.

Daniel seemed to be the one who was adjusting to it the best. He didn't have to continuously justify his desire to explore every ruin he came across although Sam suspected he'd get bored of it at some point so she made a mental note to make him have to argue his point on the next mission.

Just to keep it interesting.

Teal'c had no problems accepting orders from her, had total confidence in her abilities. He seemed to sense, though, that she didn't have faith in herself so he always made sure he was there for her to talk to, there to discuss strategies and decisions with. He never pressured her to change her mind, didn't get upset when she chose to ignore his advice and go with something different but he was there for her.

How she'd cope without him she didn't want to know.

How she'd cope without them both she couldn't imagine.

The General was just as supportive but in a way that distanced himself from her. He was her Superior, he sometimes had to question her decisions and call her up on it when he thought she'd done it wrong.

That hurt sometimes, listening to him tell her exactly what he'd have done in the same situation.

Sometimes knowing that he was right.

It hadn't helped as much as she'd thought it would when he'd taken her aside a few days ago, apologised and said she hadn't done anything she should feel bad about. That the problem was with himself.

She did it differently but she did it right.

It was just hard for him to accept she could do it without him.

But that was the problem.

She couldn't. She didn't know how he thought she could.

She was the one who'd asked him to stay, who'd questioned his decision to leave.

She was the one who'd turned away and given into fear when instead she could've taken the opportunity that had presented itself to them.

For an hour, if that.

She was selfish and she was stupid.

She needed him in a professional capacity, she needed him to help guide her and mould her and help her become the damn fine leader she knew deep down she could be.

But she needed him in a personal way, too. Wanted him.

Wanted to be held, to be loved. To talk and to laugh and to share the little things with.

She had tried to replace him, tried to settle for those things with someone else but she'd been stupid to think it could ever been enough. Stupid to pretend he didn't exist.

To fool herself into thinking she could forget all they'd shared.

All they'd been through.

All they could go through if only the universe was a perfect place.

Her stupidity had caused misunderstandings and mistakes. Had hurt him, herself and an innocent bystander who'd unknowingly got caught up in it all.

Pete.

The only one out of the three of them who'd done nothing wrong, the only one who was being honest about how he felt.

Damn it.

The phone on the counter mocked her. The clock on the wall told her it wasn't too late.

She sipped the water and imagined it was wine. Then she picked up the phone and started to dial.

"Hi, Pete. It's me."

=*=

Fini.




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