samandjack.net

Story Notes: Spoilers: Very small for Fire and Water and Meridian plus Entity, Chimera, Heroes II

Season: AU, Future

Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Not Letting him Down which can be found on my website:

http://www.ficwithfins.com/su%20fics/Ship/Squels/NotLettingHimDown/NLHD_index.htm

Copyright © 2004 Su Freund

Author’s Note: Thanks to the wonderful Bonnie again for her suggestions and corrections, which always make my fic better than when I sent it to her. Any mistakes are entirely my own. On my website, this fic is illustrated by a gorgeous photo manipulation by Jodie Marie which is well worth looking at (book cover art by Fulinn28):

http://www.ficwithfins.com/su%20fics/Ship/Squels/NotLettingHimDown/Long%20Enough/LongEnoughCoverArt.htm


Six weeks after Jack's death:



This could not be happening. She wanted it to be true, was grateful, delirious, but also doubtful and disbelieving, scared and shocked. Frankly, she was unable to make up her mind which emotions she was feeling. If it was true it meant that they had left him behind. How could she ever forgive herself for that? How could he ever forgive her? This was the golden rule that they all took very seriously. She knew what had happened last time Jack had been abandoned by his team; he had not spoken to Frank Cromwell for years, had never forgiven him. Having rushed all the way from home, run from lift to infirmary, she lost her nerve at the door and had to take a deep breath before entering.

It was him. He was alive and very animated, laughing and joking with the others; Daniel, Teal'c, and the General. When he saw her he stopped talking and just… looked. She stared back, unable to read him, scared to look too hard. For the last few weeks they had thought him dead. They'd held a memorial service for God's sake. Now here he was very much alive. She had seen him die with her own eyes. This couldn't be true; but it was. She wanted to run over to the bedside and hold him, even just touch him, to ensure he was real. Her heart was screaming her joy, but also her fear.

"Carter." He said at last.

"Colonel." Not knowing what to say she tried to joke, just as he might. "I'm pleased to see that rumours of your death have been exaggerated, Sir."

She smiled a little too brightly and Jack could sense her unease. He really wanted to know what she was thinking. Walking over to him she reached out her hand and lightly touched his hand.

"I'm real Sam." He said softly, subtly returning her touch and searching her face for a more obvious sign of how she felt. She was pale, pinched looking and obviously upset, but he found he couldn't read the thoughts behind her normally expressive eyes. It bothered him.

When he'd woken up on P9X-1957 he'd realised that they would all believe him dead. Goddammit, he’d been as surprised as the next man that he was alive. Obsessing over the letter he had written for Sam had equalled his concerns about getting home, and his recovery from injury. He knew that by the time he got back she would have read it and he was not going to escape his fear and embarrassment after all.

As he was recovering he pictured it in his head. She would rush to hug him, careless of the SGC environs and General Hammond's presence, openly declaring and displaying her feelings, and her pleasure at his return from the dead. Her tears of joy and relief would flow on his shoulder, wetting his infirmary gown, and he would hold her tight, comfortingly.

They would go for a candlelit dinner and dance the night away. Then he would take her home with him and she would never leave. They'd become the life partners that he yearned for them to be, bringing the happiness and love that he craved back in his life. He had been alone, and lonely, for too long.

It was like something out of a corny old movie. Jack knew it would never happen like that and surprised himself by even fantasising something so unrealistic. He chalked it up to being drugged half the time, and delirious. That was his excuse and, by God, he was sticking to it.

He was fully aware that she would be pleased to see him alive; whatever else she felt he was sure of her friendship and respect. As for the rest of it he was no longer confident. He had lost the ability to distinguish her feelings of comradeship from anything else. Once, he had been certain of her love for him, now he was scared it was too late for them.

So at other times his picture was totally different. Of course she would be happy to see him, but reticent, and embarrassed by the feelings he had revealed in his letter, knowing that she could no longer return them. Eventually he would be forced to confront her, and that idea made him shudder. Then she would tell him that he was too late, she loved Pete now and not him. Worse, she would laugh at him.

At heart he knew that she was very unlikely to humiliate him by laughing. It was not in Sam's nature to behave so insensitively. Nevertheless, Jack still played that scenario in his head.

As a result, Jack had been both dreading and anticipating her arrival at the mountain. She must have flown like the wind to get here so fast. What did that tell him? Anything? She looked as if she was going to burst into tears. Tears of joy? That was a good sign. She tried to smile again but it turned into a grimace. He could see her fear, smell it. What was she scared of? Then suddenly he realised, as if he could read her mind.

"I was dead, Carter. You weren't seeing things, none of you were. You did the right thing getting the others home; saving your own butts." He was trying to assure her that he didn't believe she had deserted him, but making a hash of it. Whispering very softly so that the others couldn't hear, he added, "you didn't leave me behind Sam." He brushed the back of her hand with his fingertips. He was following his gut and hoping he'd got it right. Coughing, and bringing them back to reality, Hammond interrupted.

"Well, Jack, it's good to have you back."

Hammond felt slightly uncomfortable, as if he shouldn't be there, and maybe he shouldn't. He wondered whether this would be the defining event; the thing that finally turned O'Neill and Carter towards each other and destroyed SG-1 as he knew it. Perhaps it was time for things to change.

"I'll expect a full debrief when you are cleared Colonel." He said and left the room, not quite believing that he was making a tactful withdrawal which might allow two of his officers to infringe the regs.

Sam was still reeling from what Jack had just said and didn't absorb the implication of what had happened with the General. So he had been dead?

"W…what happened?" She stammered.

Daniel and Teal'c were wondering whether they should sneak away too. It appeared that Jack and Sam only had eyes for each other. Daniel voiced it.

"Um, Teal'c and I have to go…" he gesticulated, waving one arm wildly, trying to think of something, "go… do…"

"We have an important artefact to translate, do we not, DanielJackson?" Teal'c came to his rescue.

"Yeah, right. An important artefact." Daniel smiled his relief, and thanks, to his friend.

"Don't go guys." Jack interjected. He was too nervous to be on his own with Sam right now. Besides, this was not the place even if it might be the time. "I want to be with my team again."

He was genuinely pleased to see all of them, and needed their proximity. The medical tests had taken a while so there'd been no time to talk, or to bask in the comfort of their companionship, since his return.

Sam's mind was in disarray. After all the sorrow, anger and pain over the last few weeks this was all too much for her. She was still shocked by his presence. He doesn't want to be alone with me? Is that significant? Have his feelings changed? All these thoughts ran through her head.

"I… I…" She managed to say, then turned on her heel and swiftly left the room. She lacked courage and was annoyed with herself. Still unable to face those feelings of yours, Sam? She asked. Despite everything you've been thinking? Could you only face them when you thought he was gone? She ran to lock herself in her lab. You have to pull yourself together Sam, she lectured herself, you are a Major in the US Air Force, not a love smitten teenager. She felt more like a love smitten teenager though.

Back in the infirmary Jack gaped, open mouthed, at her retreat.

"What the hell…?" He turned to the others for help with his confusion.

"She's been pretty upset Jack." Daniel said, as if it explained everything.

"Indeed." Agreed Teal'c.

*************************

Jack thought back over the last few weeks, much of which was just a drugged out haze. He remembered being hit by the staff blast and had felt himself slip away to his death, to nothingness. Then he had woken in a small hut stunned that he was alive. He felt like crap, in pain and unable to move very well, but it beat being dead! He called out, asking if anyone was there and a woman had entered the hut. She reminded him a little of Lya of the Nox. Were these people also Nox? That might explain how he had been brought back from the dead. Was there more than one Nox planet?

"Um, where am I? I thought I was dead." He said to the woman, thinking that it was a weird way to start a conversation. "What happened?"

"I'm Casta," She bowed to him. "you suffered great injury and we brought you back to life, Colonel O'Neill."

"Um…well…um…thanks." He paused, then realised something. "How do you know who I am?"

"Are you not famous?" Jack couldn't help but smile, wishing the rest of his team could hear this. "Even we have heard of the Tauri and the great SG-1 who fight the Goa'uld. We are not entirely cut off from the universe, Colonel. It is an honour to meet you. We saved you because we knew who you were."

"I'm… well… I'm grateful. Thank you." He took the drink she offered him, taking a few slow sips, then continued. "you remind me of a race I've met called the Nox. Are you of the Nox?

"Not exactly Colonel. I will try to explain when you are better. You must recover, you must rest."

He recalled that when the Nox had brought him back to life he had been totally fit immediately. This time he felt like he needed a couple of weeks in the infirmary, so it was not the same. His curiosity was peaked but his eyelids were heavy; he was woozy and could feel himself drifting. The woman had drugged him. She approached, humming a sorrowful tune, and he fell into a long deep sleep.

************************

Jack came back to himself realising that Daniel was talking to him.

"I'm sorry Daniel, I wasn't listening."

"Something that I am more than used to Jack." Daniel replied sarcastically. "hey I knew I'd missed something around here." Jack smiled a response.

"Am I that bad?"

"Sure you are Jack. It's just one of your huge number of irritating quirks, all of which I have missed in one way or another over the last few weeks. It's good to have you alive and home Jack." He smiled broadly.

"What were you saying?" Jack enquired.

Teal'c took over.

"DanielJackson was explaining about MajorCarter, O'Neill. She has not been herself."

"Upset?" Jack asked and Teal'c inclined his head.

"Indeed." He replied. "As were we all, my friend." Jack smiled an acknowledgement at Teal'c

"She went to my lawyers, right?" Teal'c nodded, "She got the letter and the package?" He nodded again. "Did she talk about it?" This time Teal'c shook his head.

"Only the photograph. We spent the night reminiscing about that mission… other missions… stuff we'd done together…" Daniel tailed off, shrugging.

"I need to talk to her Daniel." Jack replied quietly. He was disappointed, uncertain how to interpret her swift exit and fighting his rising panic over the letter. Why had she gone running off like that?

"I understand Jack. I'll go find her."

"No!" Jack cried. "When she's ready to talk, Daniel, we'll talk. Please stay, tell me how you've all been, what I've missed… everything. Don't go racing off to translate artefacts." He noticed the slightly shamed-faced look on Daniel's face. "No artefacts, huh?"

They'd been trying to leave him and Sam alone? He wondered what they had been discussing while convinced he was dead. That had to be another good sign, right? He considered asking outright but thought better of it. Not only did it give too much of himself away, but it was Sam herself he needed to talk to. Jack resolved to force the issue with her as soon as possible, although the prospect still filled him with trepidation.

O'Neill lay back and listened, happy to let Daniel ramble, even when he was near incoherent because he was babbling so quickly. Jack was used to, but not always tolerant of, it. Even Teal'c was pretty animated - for a Jaffa. Both men were gratified that Jack was alive and well, and happy to spend as much time with him as they could. Each had missed him in their own way. They deliberately avoided the subject of Sam, not wishing to further agitate O'Neill.

A nurse came to shoo them away insisting that the Colonel should rest. He protested as he thought he had rested quite enough on the planet. To no avail as always; doctors orders yadda, yadda, yadda.

Teal'c bowed to his friend before he left.

"It has been… different here in your absence, O'Neill." He said.

"Hey, it's great you missed me T but I have been absent before." Jack replied, slightly embarrassed, but pleased, by Teal'c's words.

"But you have always been here for me, O'Neill. This time…" He gasped O'Neill's arm, "this time I believed you would never return. It was… discomforting."

Jack returned Teal'c's grasp and merely nodded his head, a slight smile on his face. On their way out he saw Daniel slap Teal'c on the back in a brotherly gesture and his smile broadened. He was pleased to see two thirds of his team so tight. What about the other third?

Jack dozed off and was awoken a few hours later by the bustle of activity. He was so caught up in thought that he barely listened as the doctor gave him a clean bill of health and said he could go home after he had briefed General Hammond. He was told to take a few days R&R and to report back for another check up on his return so that he could be passed fit for duty.

At the briefing he was distracted as he tried to explain what had happened on P9X-1957. Sam sat silent throughout, avoiding his gaze, which fell on her frequently.

**************************

He had fallen in and out of consciousness over the coming days spent in the hut. Casta would appear almost immediately when he was awake, as if she knew. After checking his progress she gave him food and drink and sat by him silently while he ate. Normally she would say little, although he pressed. Then one day, when he had finished, she began to talk.

"We were of the Nox. Our ancestors were exiled here many moons ago."

"Exiled? Why?"

"We did not agree with all of the Nox ways. We believed we should use our power to fight evil in this universe, not hide like cowards."

"So why aren't you out there fighting?"

"We are not as strong as our Nox ancestors and there are too few."

"How come?"

"There were few of us in the beginning. A race of humans also inhabits this world. Over many generations we have lived together in harmony and interbred. We are no longer Nox and do not possess their superior powers. This is why you are not already totally fit and healthy. Our healing has been diluted by the human blood. It requires great effort to return someone from the dead and I am one of the few who is able to do so. If more of us were here we may have helped heal you more adequately, but I have to rely on our conventional medicine. My apologies, Colonel O'Neill."

She bowed her head mutely and Jack nodded his understanding. Whatever she was doing was definitely working as he felt much improved, but he badly wanted to get home.

"How long have I been here?"

"Many days." She saw his frustration. "I doubt we measure time the same as you do Colonel. 25 of our days."

He wanted to ask how many hours were in a day, but then wondered how many minutes were in an hour or hours in a day? Oy! He didn’t think he was up to getting his brain round that. 25 days would have to do.

"I need to go home." He said simply.

"I understand Colonel. You must give yourself time to recover. Your injury was serious."

"I guess you don't get much more serious than dead." He quipped. "I can recover back on Earth."

"The elders will not let you leave yet."

"Why the hell not?"

"They wish to speak to you, but you are not recovered enough."

"I can come back."

"Maybe. It is not for me to say. I must leave you now."

Further enquiries had been frustrated at every turn. Although Casta willingly told him more of their history, and was equally eager to find out about his world, she would not discuss him going home or what the elders might want with him. However, once he was able to move around more easily, he was summoned to a meeting with the them. Leaving the hut for the first time he was surprised by the large size of the village. Casta led him to a bigger hut not too far away, bowed low to the elders and deposited him there. It had been an interesting discussion.

*****************************

"So they want our protection?" Hammond said, surprised by that turn of events.

"I told them we could help them learn to defend themselves better Sir." O'Neill replied. "It seems they're no longer able to defend themselves like their Nox brethren. Their exile has worked against them over the years."

"I'm sure we can arrange something Colonel. Anything else?"

"They want us to broker contact with the Nox on their home world, General." Hammond and the others were startled.

"We hardly have any contact ourselves. How are we meant to do that?" Asked the General.

"I only promised to try sir. Perhaps we can use that Tollan doohickey to contact the Nox? It sure would be nice to see the gorgeous Lya again, General."

He smiled broadly and, seeing Sam look at him for the first time, he returned her gaze. She was smiling, then he noticed her suppress a laugh and she looked down at the table to hide it. It warmed him inside.

"I'll see what I can do Colonel. Did they say why?"

"I think they might want to find others amongst the Nox who feel like them. Um… reading between the lines, Sir, I believe they want to…um… strengthen their Nox traits."

"You mean inter-breed with pure Nox?"

"Yes Sir. But they are agreeable to becoming our allies, so that may be a good thing. It never hurts to have allies General." A ghost of a smile appeared on Jack's face and Hammond nodded, thinking that Jack looked haggard and hoping it wasn't a mistake to send him home.

"One thing Jack," Daniel interjected, "When we left the planet we were losing. What happened? If they could defeat the Jaffa then why do they need us?"

"Why is that you always ask the unanswered questions, Daniel?" Jack asked, smiling, "I'm not sure I really understand the answer to that one. I think they fear attack by Goa'uld ships, which they could not defeat. Maybe a few Jaffa aren't a problem… but someone's gonna miss 'em."

"So they can't make themselves invisible anymore?" Daniel responded, curious about the extent of these people's powers. Jack shrugged and scrubbed his hands through his hair wearily. Hammond decided he should go home.

"Alright. I think that's enough for now. I'll consider it and we'll discuss it again when you return to work Colonel. I would like a detailed report on your return, with as much information about these people and their history as you can provide. I am sure Dr Jackson will find that of use and it can help us to decide how to take this forward. I will be seeking your advice on this matter, Dr Jackson."

"Yes, General, of course." Daniel looked forward to it with enthusiasm and nodded at Hammond as he rose from his seat.

"Dismissed. I expect you to go home forthwith, Colonel."

"Yes Sir." Hammond smiled warmly at his subordinate and grasped his shoulder.

"I'm very happy that it was a false alarm this time son. You've been missed."

"Thank you Sir."

Jack turned to catch Sam and found her looking at him. She didn't try to run this time, staying behind as the others left the briefing room. Daniel and Teal'c exchanged glances and beat a hasty retreat, leaving them alone.

"I'm happy it was a false alarm too sir." She said, smiling faintly.

"You don't seem to be that happy about it." He said, thoughtlessly, and Sam shifted uncomfortably.

"It's… it's just such a shock. A good shock though." He nodded, then plunged on not quite knowing how to handle the situation. Be blunt O'Neill, he thought, she's used to it.

"Sam, I…" He reddened and Sam looked at her feet, also embarrassed. Neither of them was very good at confronting their feelings, or openness

"Colonel, I… I don’t think this is the right place, do you?"

"I guess not. How about driving me home? I don’t think I actually own a vehicle anymore." He smiled and she laughed.

"Oh yeah, I forgot."

"Have I even got a house?" Realising it was entirely possible that he was homeless. Sam laughed at his tone, irreverent as ever.

"Yes Sir. We couldn't bring ourselves to… well… you know."

He did know. It had happened twice over with Daniel and he remembered very well how it felt to try sorting through the effects of a dead friend. He had often wondered how Sara had coped with Charlie's things. He'd let her deal with it alone, turned his back on everything. What a bastard he'd been! He brought himself back to the here and now, trying to concentrate on his goal.

"Maybe we could…"

"Talk?" She finished for him.

"If you want to."

Sam realised that he was just as nervous as she was. He had never expected to see her after she'd read his letter and must be wondering what she was thinking. She could understand that he would desperately need to know how she felt but couldn't bring herself to speak of it while they were still on the base.

"Ok. Let's go." She agreed.

They both changed into their civvies and silently made their way to the surface. Sam had used Jack's truck to come into the mountain today, it was quicker. When she had got the call that he'd turned up alive she hadn't been able to think straight. She must have broken every traffic law on her way to the mountain and had been lucky she hadn't been pulled over by traffic cops.

Jack ran his finger over the hood of his truck.

"It's ok, you can have it back." Sam said jauntily and he grinned.

"Oh? Then can I drive?"

"No! Let me, one last time? It's a sweet ride, Sir." He nodded agreement. After all, legally it was her truck.

The silence wasn't broken again until they were halfway down the mountain.

"Sam…"

"Jack, please don't, not until we get home." 'Jack'? He interpreted that as a good sign and shut his mouth again, not wanting to jinx it.

Sam noticed that he was fidgeting all the time as she drove. Perhaps she should have let him drive; given him something else to think about. Making a decision about what to do she took a sharp turn to the left.

"Sam, this doesn't go to my place."

"No Jack, it goes to mine." 'Jack' again. Once more he was silent. There must be a reason that she wanted to go there, maybe she needed to be on home turf. That was fine by him.

"Coffee? Drink?" She asked as they walked into her house a while later.

"Got any beer?"

"Sure."

Jack followed her into the kitchen and watched as she bent into the fridge to get the beer. She's very beautiful, he thought, inclined to walk up behind her and take her in his arms but stopping himself from being so presumptuous. He wanted to touch her, the only feeling of familiarity with her having been the light brush of hands in the infirmary earlier.

Sam felt the same way and was holding back. She damned herself for that, wishing she had the courage to just take hold of him and clearly demonstrate her feelings. This all seemed so unreal and she still hadn't got her head around it.

They went into her living room and sat down to drink the beer.

"I, um, read your letter." She said, eventually.

"I figured." Jack looked embarrassed and even more anxious than he had before. He swallowed hard to mask his nerves, willing her to say something positive. "It was clumsy and childish and you deserved better." Now he looked back on it what he had written for her seemed very lame.

"No Jack, not that. Not at all like that. It was… was… um… pretty breathtaking." That sounded kind of positive.

"Breathtaking? That sounds like a good thing. Is it a good thing Sam?"

"Yeah, good."

"Good." He grinned. This was ridiculous; neither of them could quite bring themselves to say whatever needed to be said.

"I still can't quite believe that you're here, alive." Her voice was shaking and when he looked into her eyes he saw they were watery. "It all seems like a dream."

"It's no dream, Sam, I am here. Got used to me not being here?"

"No. Never." She smiled, reaching for his hand and grasping it tightly. "God, it's really you."

Abruptly she let go, got up, and walked over to the window, staring outside. He knew that tears were falling from her eyes and she didn't want him to see her weakness, but he wanted and needed to. So he followed his instinct and walked over to her, turning her to face him. It was a rare and precious thing to witness Sam crying.

"Come here."

He took her into his arms, holding her close and feeling the sobs shake her body, his shirt getting wet from her salty tears. That part of his fantasy was true at least; clothes wet from her tears.

"I can't bear to lose you again Jack."

Now feeling more confident that he knew her heart, he softly kissed her cheeks where the tears were starting to dry, and then her forehead, pulling her into another hug when he'd finished.

"Well I'm not leaving any time soon. Come," he took her hand and led her back to the couch, "you need tissues." Sitting her down, he reached into his pocket and withdrew a tissue, crouching down in front of her and wiping her tears away. "More?" He asked.

"Kitchen."

Dutifully, he fetched the box, handing it to her as he sat down and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. Sam blew her nose and then lay her head on his shoulder, leaning into his neck. It was good to feel his strong arms encircling her; more evidence that he was truly here. She could easily have thought it a hallucination, something that she had wished for but would never achieve.

"Would you think me crazy if I said I'd written one to you? A letter?" She said after a few minutes silence, in which she savoured his presence and his masculine smell.

"Oh? I… I don't know."

"You said yours had helped, was therapeutic, and boy did I need that. So I wrote one. I never thought you'd be around to see it, of course."

"No. I… I…" Jack wasn't sure what to think. This was all so damned discombobulating.

"I'd like you to read it. That's why I brought you here."

"Read it? I… are you sure?" He felt her nod. "Is this like a I'll show you mine if you show me yours kind of thing?" He teased and she giggled. It never ceased to amaze, and sometimes irritate, Sam that Jack could crack a joke in almost any situation. She knew it was a defence mechanism. He was both curious and fearful of what she might have said in a letter to him.

"I'll get it." She left his embrace and went off to the den to retrieve the letter. Having plucked up the courage to let him read it, he must do it now before she lost it again.

When she leaned to give it to him she briefly kissed his lips and stroked his cheek but, as he reached up to pull her head towards him for a deeper kiss, she stood up and moved away.

"Read it first Jack, it says more than I can speak in words." He could relate to that. "I don't want to be here when you read it. I'll go…" She gestured towards the doorway.

"Oh, I… sure Sam. Whatever you want." He already missed the feel of her in his arms.

With a little trepidation he opened the envelope. Why was he still so nervous? She had already demonstrated her feelings for him. He sighed thinking it couldn't be that simple, that nothing ever was with he and Sam.

Unlike his letter, this one had been written on her laptop. Jack pictured her intently bending over her keyboard, frantically typing away. He'd watched her do that many times, pausing in her doorway at the SGC. He liked to watch her.

"My Darling Jack"

He smiled at that. Darling Jack. It sounded good - more than good. He hoped to hear it from her lips. Maybe he would later.

"The last few days have been hell, possibly the worst in my life. It feels that way right now. Emotionally I’ve been up and down like one of your damned yo-yos. I’ve been desperately trying to keep control, working too hard to take my mind off things, not succeeding at anything because I can’t concentrate. I’m exhausted. Mourning your loss is taking everything I’ve got. I know you are gone forever but I'm finding it hard to face, Jack. How could you do that to me you bastard? You were never meant to die!"

No I wasn't, thought Jack, and I never wanted to leave you Sam. He had some inkling of how he might have felt had their positions been reversed. More than once he'd thought he might lose her forever. He'd even believed that he had killed her when killing an entity that had once possessed her. That had taken him to a very bleak place for a while. It was a hard thing to kill someone you love. The ultimate price for the people of Earth and much harder than dying himself.

"You’ve broken my heart and I know it will take a long time for me to get over it, if I ever do. I need to pull myself together so I can carry on with your work and ensure your sacrifice was worthwhile. Worthwhile? How could it ever be that? But I can’t let you down Jack; it’s simply not an option. I also need to be there for Daniel and Teal’c. They are both devastated by your loss and I let them down when they needed me most by pushing them away. It was entirely selfish and I feel bad about it. We all need each other. So, you see, I can’t afford to let myself fall apart, however easy that would be."

Way to go, Sam! He was proud at the determined tone, that she was trying to beat her grief. Jack was not so sure that he could do likewise if the shoe was on the other foot.

"You would have been proud of the memorial service we held for you in the gate room, the wonderful things that General Hammond said. It seriously disturbed me that we couldn’t bring your body home. You deserved a lot more than being disposed of so anonymously – a hero’s funeral. The General tried to compensate at the memorial and did a good job. He, too, is devastated by your loss. I have never seen him quite so affected, except perhaps by Janet’s death. He tries to carry on regardless but bears the weight of it; the burden of guilt that we all share. I don’t think a single one of us hasn’t thought about giving up. It seems we all feel the same way about letting you down; we must force ourselves onwards to carry on the fight, just as you would have."

A hero’s funeral? He wasn’t entirely confident that it was deserved but was pleased that they thought it was, particularly Sam. That was something special. It had never occurred to him that she might consider him a hero. After all, she saw him virtually every day. Heroes were not regular guys like him, they were extraordinary people. Was he extraordinary? He didn't think so, just ordinary. Nevertheless, a huge grin appeared on his face on realising that she thought of him that way.

"You will be sorely missed, Jack. How can I find the proper words to express that? It seems too little to say. You will be missed by the SGC, our allies, your friends and colleagues and, not least, by me. I don’t think I will ever stop missing you. You always were larger than life, truly unique, a great man. I know you were far too self-effacing to know that for yourself and I wish I had told you while you were still alive. I don’t think I ever met anyone who I respected and admired more than you. Sometimes you could be infuriating, often quirky and child-like, but you were also a brilliant team leader, far more intelligent than you liked to admit, funny and often charming - and many other things. Your smile lit my life too."

The grin grew even further. ‘Unique’ and ‘great’ were not words that he associated with himself. Sam thought of him that way? He was increasingly stunned. Sam was the extraordinary person, one in a million; possibly one in a lot more than a million. It delighted him that she saw something in him that was above the average, although he worried that she might be looking through rose tinted glasses. He hoped not; that could lead to disaster when she discovered that he was just like any other man. He was glad that she had seen through his dumb act, though. Sam could never be happy with a stupid man. Even he was willing to admit that he was far from stupid.

"Then I got your letter and parcel and was very deeply moved. You certainly are full of surprises. You think you know someone and then find you don’t. I would never have expected that letter from you, or that you would confess to those feelings in that way. It was a revelation and something I will treasure forever - more than anything else that you left for me or could have ever given me. You would never believe the number of times I have read it. I feel the tears pricking at my eyes again at the feelings it provokes. Goddammit Jack, I don’t know how to respond to it. It’s made me happy and sad and filled me with despair and hope. Crazy, huh?"

He was saddened that the letter has upset her when he had hoped it would help. It had obviously served to confuse although it seemed there was some good mixed in with the bad. Just see what else she has to say Jack, he thought, still disbelieving that she had written such a letter, or allowed him to read its contents. Neither of them was generally very open about their feelings and he felt honored that she was opening up to him at last.

"I always loved you, but was too afraid to do anything about it."

He gasped at that. There it was in black and white, what he had always wanted to hear. Why was she afraid of it? Reflecting, he realised that they both were. What a pair they were. He reread the sentence, then continued.

"I always loved you, but was too afraid to do anything about it. I deeply regret that you never knew and were so uncertain of how I felt, and hate that you died without that knowledge. I regret a lot of things and there is nothing I can do about any of them now. That’s the biggest one of all - I left it too late."

Never too late, Sam, never.

"You write me a letter asking me not to regret, to move on with my life. Now I have read some of those thoughts and feelings you normally kept hidden I feel even more sorrow. That’s so like you. You mentioned your blundering use of words and you've got that both right and wrong. You said some things that I always wanted to hear, including those three words that I both yearned for and feared the most."

Jack smiled that she wanted to hear those words too, but understood that fear.

"It was foolish of me to run and hide from those feelings, but I did. I knew that if anything ever happened between us I was probably committed for life and that scared the hell out of me."

Committed for life? Wow! He had to pause for a moment while he thought about the implications of that. His stomach churned but it was a good feeling. He knew he was committed and had known it for a long time. That she might be too was both a pleasant surprise and a joy.

"I’m not sure why as I want to believe we would have been great together. Spending a life together? Right now I’d give almost anything to spend five minutes with you; to take you in my arms, feel your touch and your breath on my face; maybe a kiss if I was very lucky."

Lucky? He took a deep breath, almost getting up to go find her and take her in his arms again. She needed to hide from him while he read it, despite his confession of feelings. Still nervous? Still hiding? It was fine to confess all this to the dead, but to the living? He empathised given that he had never felt able express or act on his own feelings. His letter had been his sole means of communicating his hopes and dreams to her, and he had never anticipated being around for the fallout. The repercussions looked pretty good for him, though. He could be the lucky one.

"If you were reading this you would probably realise that I'm not really that intelligent and wonderful woman you speak of; she is someone else. I am pretty dumb when it comes to some of the most important things in life. The problem is not realising how important they are until it’s too late; how important you are – and you still are Jack. How can I ever forget you? Or forgive you for getting yourself killed before we even had a chance. I lament that we never gave ourselves that opportunity; that we both thought there were more important things to do.

I'm angry with you Jack. I want to slap your face, punch you, and beat you! You left me. I never truly expected you to do that, relied on you to always be there, and it is difficult to accept that you have gone. Maybe I was wrong to take for granted that you would be there for me, no matter what. I always knew that, despite everything. I wasn't ready to accept all the implications and consequences of that reality, or to face my fears of it. You aren't the only one who was a coward."

It seemed she might be ready now. Why else would she have given him this to read? His excitement mounted.

"I find myself agreeing with so much of what you said in your letter, yet fundamentally disagreeing with parts of it. My life was definitely better for having you in it. You were always my favourite pain in the ass! That gaping hole that you talk about is becoming part of my everyday life. Maybe someday I'll get used to it. It's way too soon for that as my emotions are still too raw. Daniel assures me that it will get better although it'll never leave me entirely. I will be able to cope eventually. I truly hope I have the strength."

You are just about the strongest woman I ever met Sam, Jack thought, its one of the things I love so much about you.

"I’m flattered that you think I changed you for the better. Maybe we all gave you a different perspective. I know it irritated you that I could be too much the curious scientist and not enough of the wary soldier. We could accuse you of being cautious in always considering the worst case scenario, but so often you turned out to be right on the mark. It saved our lives many times. Besides, that was one of your strengths, and part of your job. I guess that's something you taught me, although it took me a long time to grasp it. You were right about me being too much of the scientist.

So you were also right in thinking that you changed me too, making me a better person. I’m more well balanced (although still a little flaky!), have improved my judgement of people and situations. There are so many ways in which I have changed. I hope I am ready to take your place and lead SG-1 if that is what is required of me. If I am it is entirely thanks to you. You made me a stronger person, and a whole hell of a lot wiser.

You also taught me something much more significant - about love and what real love means. I thought I knew, but I was wrong. That may be the most important lesson I could have learned. Maybe one day I can love someone else again and if I can give myself to that person freely it will be because of you. You are one hell of a teacher Jack."

He thought she could not have paid him a higher compliment.

"You were so right about regretting the things you didn't do. I also regret the things I didn’t say. You were the one, Jack, that special man in my life. We never did the things that we should have. I longed to make love to you, wake up with you lying next to me in the morning, spend more time with you and get to know the real Jack O’Neill. All of those things were too normal for us. We had to be different and love each other from afar. It went on for too long; we let it and shouldn’t have. We should have been paying more attention. "

The words took Jack on a flight of fancy, imagining making love to her and waking up in the same bed. He longed for the same things. She was right, they should have paid more attention to themselves. Funny how a little thing like death can focus the mind. Good thing it hadn't been permanent; it looked like life might get a lot more interesting.

"As you suspected I did laugh at the notion of Jack O'Neill the shrinking violet. Laughter helps to ease the pain a little, did you know that? The great Jack O'Neill nervous, gauche and embarrassed? It pains me that you felt like that but I guess I felt the same. If you walked into the room right now I would probably still feel like that. Sometimes we seemed to fit together like a pair of well worn gloves. Whenever our feelings were threatening to expose themselves we closed up, felt awkward and discomforted. There were notable exceptions but too few of them. I really wish the exceptions had been the rule - things might have been so very different between us. We missed something remarkable in our lives because of it."

I can't exactly promise to be open, he thought, but I can promise not to be closed. She thought they would be good together. He did too and wanted that something different between them, something remarkable. What if they were wrong? He did not want to consider that possibility.

"I know that the relationship I had with Pete hurt you Jack and I could kick myself for that."

The name stung, sending a pain searing through his heart. In his excitement, and nerves, he had almost forgotten Pete. When he'd realised that there was a man in her life it had disconcerted and bewildered him, although he had tried hard not to show it, as was his norm. He had never taken it for granted that Sam would be a feature of his future life, but had hoped. The reality of Pete had almost, but not entirely, shattered that hope.

He knew Sam cared about him a lot, but wasn't sure how much or in what way she cared. He'd needed her friendship, support and respect more than her love. As she still provided him with those things he relied on the most in his life he had settled for that, knowing it would never be enough. Jack took a deep breath and continued.

"Hurting you was the last thing I wanted but I had to be proactive with my life and take a risk. I thought I had found a good thing, but in the end realised that he could never replace you in my heart. It wasn’t fair to any of us to keep on with it so I told him I wouldn’t see him again. It happened a while ago, before you died, but I never told you. That was stupid and selfish as I just let you continue feeling the pain."

She'd dumped Pete? The pain diminished and he calmed, now believing that everything would be alright.

"You were worth so much more than you seem to think you deserve and, when it comes down to it, I treated you poorly. You didn't deserve that either. You think you would never have made me happy, that you would have somehow tarnished me, and been an embarrassment. It saddens me a great deal that you were so lacking in self esteem and confidence about your abilities as plain old Jack O'Neill. I can't quite believe that I didn't long ago fall off that pedestal you seem to have put me on Jack. You can't tarnish someone who is already flawed and I'm not so wonderful."

You are pretty wonderful Sam, he thought, but I know you have faults. I don't want to worship you on a pedestal, I want us to be real. I'm battered and bruised, hardly a prime choice, and honored beyond belief that you might pick me.

"Waiting for me to make a move, Jack? You would have been waiting one heck of a long time. Not because I didn’t want it, believe me, I did. I just didn't have the courage. You write about not being able to face or overcome your fear? My God, Jack, I'm the world champion at that. So you aren’t the only coward, not by a long shot."

I always knew that you never would make that move, Sam, he reflected, but it didn't stop me from praying that you would.

"All you probably ever needed to do was ask and I would have been there. I know it's easy to say that with hindsight. I can guarantee that I would never have let it be that simple in real life. I can screw up even the simplest things when it comes to my personal life and feelings. Good at my job, in the SGC, crap once I leave the mountain. If you had ever tried to take it further I probably would have run. It wasn't you I was hiding from, Jack, it was me; my misgivings, failures and fears. What was I so scared of? I craved the love you could have given me. All those wasted years.

You always said that you thought too little and I thought too much. Maybe I do think too much, but you were never as uncomplicated as you liked to pretend. Don't think for a minute that I didn't see through that façade, it was one of many masks that you wore Jack. I would like to have got to know that complex, intelligent, loving, giving, and fascinating man called Jack O'Neill. The gruff exterior with the soft centre.

Jack laughed. Little did Sam know that under the gruff exterior lurks a gruff interior!

"I never could have come to the cabin with you Jack. As you say, we both know what would have happened. I wish I had, but it's another thing that's too late. I would love to share that place you hold so close to your heart. The picture you paint of us on the dock, my head in your lap, haunts my thoughts. I want to be there. One of my variations has a couple of kids playing around us. You are really great with kids."

Kids? Sam was imagining them with kids? Jack's heart soared. He ordered himself to calm down; it's early days yet Jack, too soon to be thinking such things. Besides, he hadn't done such a great job as a dad the first time around. The thought deflated his enthusiasm. Don't dwell on that Jack; this should be a good moment, shouldn't it?

"I never intended to hurt you with my refusals and always thought you asked me knowing I'd say no. I'm so sorry.

I'm sure I would have loved it there, despite the lack of quarks and naquada generators. Am I that bad? The answer is yes, of course. I never stopped to see the things of beauty unless you pointed them out to me. That's pathetic. I will watch the skies through your telescope and remember you always; the beauty of the stars. That idea makes me smile."

The image appealed to Jack immensely. His version had them both stargazing, his arm around her, a kiss, and then maybe… more. He pondered that for a couple of minutes.

"You are right about that powerful bond between us. It has not been severed by your death, and will always be there in my heart and mind.

Of course I knew you found me attractive when we first met; likewise. You were an extremely handsome and sexy man. I don't think you realised quite how drop dead gorgeous you always were. You were far too modest for that. Men like you are normally egotistical and narcissistic. You had your moments, but don't we all?"

Drop dead gorgeous? She thought that? Wow!

"Ditto about controlling the growth of feelings. I always was too fearful of losing control - of anything and everything. You were no exception. I certainly had to make a supreme effort to keep myself in check while you were around. You could flip my heart in an instant, totally overwhelm me. I could never have been the good little Major and second in command if I hadn't kept a tight hold. If only I could have let it slip for just a little while."

If only…

"Life is full of 'if onlys'. I can't live the rest of my life thinking like that. You are right about that. I have to learn to let it go. I just don't know how. You never taught me that lesson.

I chuckled at the memory of my gall that day we met; challenging you to an arm wrestling match? All that bullshit about me beating you. You knew that wasn't true, although it's good of you to suggest it. Can you imagine the look on Ferretti's and Kawalski's face if I had? I would have given anything to have seen that! Instead I made a fool of myself by feeling sick after going through the gate that first time. After all my bluff and bluster - how embarrassing."

Jack smiled at the memory. He was unimpressed at being forced to add a scientist to his team, however gorgeous she was. He had liked her despite himself and been amused at her reaction to her first encounter with gate travel. Sam had been so intent on appearing gung-ho that she hadn't even been prepared to listen to his briefing without bragging about her skills. Computer simulations and mission reports were nothing when weighed up against the real thing. She learned fast and he had never regretted her presence on his team again. Instead, she had become integral to it, his right arm.

"I will always treasure the photographs you left for me. Those things you wanted me to have will hold a special place in my heart. The letter and that photo of us mean more to me than any of my other possessions. To imagine you with that photo in a drawer next to your bed. Daniel told me about that."

Jack felt his cheeks flush that she knew about that weakness. It made him feel vulnerable, not something he was comfortable with. Dammit! Then he smiled, remembering that she had read his letter; nothing could make him feel more vulnerable than that, except maybe this whole situation he was in right now. Knowing her heart was entirely different to knowing what happened next. If they waited too long their time would never come. It was out in the open and they could never bottle it up again so they had to grasp the moment. Now was their time and he hoped she agreed.

"It warms my battered heart to think that you might have taken it out to look at from time to time before you went to sleep. And you say you weren't romantic. Maybe I have a strange idea of romantic but that seems to fit into my definition."

She found it romantic? Jack realised that he would never truly understand women. Of course he had taken it out to look at. What other point was there in having it? Go figure!

"We do look happy. It was a good mission and I remember it awoke some of those feelings for you that I was trying to bury, although I quickly dug another deep hole for them.

All those years and you never told me you had a Harley rotting away somewhere. I wish I could have restored it for us to go riding off through the hills together. That would have been really cool. A picnic, maybe, in some secluded spot where no one would catch us making love to each other, naked under the blazing sun. That is some fantasy!"

A doozy, and one he was happy to fulfil as soon as possible. His groin reacted to the prospect.

"Like you said, it is easier said than done to get this all down on paper. I too wrote various versions although no rain forests were felled as a result. It's one of the joys of a word processor. I know - you and computers!

I had to stop writing it for a while to go to Cheyenne Mountain Zoo with the guys. I don’t know how they came up with the idea, but I’m pretty sure it was a ploy to get me doing something other than mope around the house on a day off - they probably needed it too. I kept imagining you there with us, acting the schoolboy and making us all laugh. It made me wish we had all been there together sometime. It made me wish for a lot of things."

The zoo? That would be Teal'c's idea, he'd bet. For some reason his friend had always wanted to go there. The highest zoo in the country he'd said. They also housed giraffes. Why Teal'c wanted to see giraffes was a puzzle to Jack. He regretted not having gone with Teal'c, who had brought it up a number of times and Jack had always found an alternative activity. The zoo was for kids and brought back too many memories. The idea of going with his team grew on him and he grinned.

"You've taught me something else now, Jack. Writing this down has helped. I wasn't sure it would but if it worked for you it was worth a shot, right? It's kind of cleansing. I need that and will take whatever small comfort I can.

Reading back over this I realise that I can never express in words what I really feel about you. To simply say that I love you is not enough. The soft touch of my fingers against your skin could express it so much better than these inadequate words, but it would require your physical presence. That's a bit of a drawback. I know it’s a cliché (who's going to know?), but they say that actions speak louder than words, and it is true.

I imagine holding and stroking your hand, my finger lightly brushing your cheek, running my hands through your hair, kissing your lips, caressing your chest... I imagine a whole lot more than that, but had better not go there. I blush at the idea of writing that even where no one will see it. Isn't that so like me?"

Jack snorted his amusement in something intended to be a laugh. Then he imagined the feel of her fingers on his skin and longed for her touch. He was nearly finished and could hardly wait to go and find her.

"I'll be forever grateful to you too Jack, for everything. You meant so much more to me than you anticipated or thought. I wish you had known. This might be my one wish, although I guess my real one wish would be for you to be here with me alive and well.

I will love and miss you always.

Sam"

Jack leaned back in the chair and considered what he'd read. Although he would like to have read the letter again his need to find Sam was greater. He cautiously wandered around knocking on shut doors.

"Sam?" he called softly.

"In here."

He located the sound to her bedroom. She was sitting on her bed, arms wrapped around her knees, watching the door for his arrival. When he appeared she stood up and slowly walked towards him.

"So, you wanna beat the crap out of me Sam?" He joked, recalling what she had said in the letter.

Sam mutely shook her head, smiling. Holding out his hand she took it in hers, stroking it with her thumb. All the while she held his gaze and then she reached up to stroke his cheek with her other hand. Jack pulled her to him but, instead of the hug she anticipated, he put his lips to hers, kissing her softly, then with increasing enthusiasm, which she reciprocated. When they paused for breath she continued to run her hands through his hair.

"Oh boy! You are definitely real, Jack O'Neill!"

He said nothing, just held her close. One of her regrets was that they had never had sex. He was going to correct that serious omission very soon. For now, though, he merely needed to hold and feel her body next to his. The vibrations of her quiet sobbing reverberated through his chest.

"Why the tears Sam?"

"You could say I've been a bit fragile lately." Her voice broke as she spoke. "I thought I'd left it too late. I haven't left it too late, have I Jack?"

"Never too late, Sam." He recalled thinking almost those same words while he was reading the letter and pulled her to him even more tightly. "Promise me something Sam?" He felt a nod of assent. "That you'll never run away from me again? Please?"

She nodded mutely, understanding that he was not necessarily asking her to stay with him forever but referring to her words in the letter.

"Come here." He said, leading her to the bed. They both lay down on it although neither of them tried to do anything overtly sexual. They shared a mutual desire to simply be together and caressed each other lovingly while exchanging the occasional kiss.

As she stroked his chest though the fabric of his shirt she saw him wince slightly.

"Are you still in pain Jack? Are you ok?" She asked, startled.

"Oh yeah! A lot more than ok." His smile was one of deep satisfaction with his current lot in life and she perceived that he was not thinking of his injuries when he said it. "My chest still has a little healing to do, that's all."

They lay silently for a long time and fell asleep fully clothed and in each other's embrace.

When Jack woke some time later he had a burning desire to make love to Sam and tried to coax her awake without being too obvious about it. Nuzzling at her neck and stroking her back had the effect he wanted as she stirred in his arms and opened her eyes to look at him.

"Whatchya doin'?" She asked in a groggy voice, still half asleep.

"Just… you know…" he shrugged.

As she leaned up to kiss him softly, he made his move, taking ownership of her lips and mouth, his hand wandering under her blouse. She could feel his arousal and responded willingly.

"Jack?" She said when she finally was able, "I need the bathroom."

"Me too." He laughed softly, not wanting to stop but knowing he had to.

When Sam returned she was wearing a large shirt, having divested herself of most of her clothing. Bashfully, she stood in the doorway and Jack drank in the sight of her and then got off the bed and walked over. His hand brushed lightly down the length of her upper arm.

"You are very beautiful." He whispered and leaned to kiss her cheek.

She smiled in response and briefly gasped his hand as he moved around her. When he returned from the bathroom she was sitting on the bed; he was still wearing his trousers but had removed his top, boots and socks. She could see the fresh scarring on his chest and he was still bruised.

"Come here." She said, patting the bed next to her and he obeyed.

They felt self conscious and awkward. He removed her top then pulled her close to him, her back to his chest, and held her for a while. As he caressed her, his yearning grew again, and an overwhelming desire to possess him coursed though her. They made love with a graceless passion which satisfied their immediate need but was hardly the best sex either of them had ever experienced. That would come later; for now, this was enough.

In the morning he noticed the photos on her nightstand for the first time and smiled, proud that she displayed them without embarrassment right next to her bed.

"We look pretty good together there Sam. Will we be good together?"

"We'll be great together Jack."

This time their love making was ferocious and wonderful. They took the time to do it right. It was a relief to both of them that they fit so well but they had to prove to themselves that it wasn't a fluke. Sam was not due in at the SGC that day so they had plenty of time. They got up to make coffee and breakfast and took it back to bed with them, playing silly games with the food. They relaxed with each other and made love again. It had not been a fluke. Sam was gratified that she had been right about Jack's prowess.

"We ought to get up." Sam said. By now it was nearly lunchtime; they had happily cuddled and muttered inconsequential things in each others ears for a considerable time.

"Why?" Jack grinned and waggled his eyebrows, causing Sam to laugh.

"Because we can't stay here all day."

"Why not?"

"Sam Carter doesn't stay in bed all day." She replied.

"Then she should try to break her bad habits." He kissed her by way of encouragement.

"A little while longer then." She sighed happily and snuggled up closer to him.

They discussed the idea of going to the zoo as a foursome with Daniel and Teal'c next time they were all free.

"If I can keep my hands off you for long enough." He whispered and she tittered. "I feel bad that I never went with Teal'c." Jack said. "It reminded me of Charlie too much. It's time I went." She understood him to mean that it would be another cathartic act, like writing the letter. "It should be fun, the four of us."

"I'd like that Jack."

It would be nice for him to really be there with them, not just in her imagination. Daniel and Teal'c would like that a lot and she didn't think they would mind that the three of them had only just been recently. Besides, Teal'c had been impressed with the giraffes when he'd seen them for real. If truth be told he was besotted by them and would be pleased of the excuse to pay another visit.

"It's time we got another photo of us together Sam, replace that one." He gesticulated towards the frame on her nightstand.

"Another photo would be good Jack, but nothing will ever replace that one" He kissed her neck with a smile.

"Not even a wedding photo?" He asked out of the blue, and heard Sam's gasp, wondering what it portended.

"Is that a proposal Jack O'Neill?"

"I guess. I…yes, Sam. A romantic son of a bitch, aren't I?" He laughed nervously and held his breath for a short while waiting for her reply, and then hurried on when she remained silent. "You'd rather not? You wanna wait? I understand."

She could hear the disappointment so stroked his face lovingly. He was trying to be blasé.

"We've waited long enough Jack. Too long."

It sounded suspiciously like a yes.

/The End/



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