I'm desperate.
Oh God I'm so very desperate.
"Are we there yet Carter?"
I watch her as she stops in front of me, then turns and looks back, the setting sun making her hair look like a halo of fire. I squint up at her and she indicates over her shoulder with a thumb.
"Almost sir, the UAV came down just over the next ridge there"
The next ridge? It'll take us at least another half an hour to navigate that next ridge! Oh God there's no way in hell I'm gonna make it that far. Damn those UAV's! Much though I love seeing them launch, and the sparkle in Carter's eyes when she gives the command, but damn do they keep having to crash so far away from the gate?
It's just...I'm desperate.
"Uh...does anyone need a break? Danny? We can stop for five minutes if ya want"
They all stop and turn to face me, and Daniel screws up his face and carefully and precisely pushes his glasses up his nose as he looks down at me from Carter's side a little further up the hill.
"Uh...I'm fine Jack. We might as well keep going and camp with the UAV"
He turns away and continues walking, and both Teal'c and Carter send me long looks. I didn't mean to imply he couldn't make it, I just wanted the chance to stop, that's all.
As if sensing I'm the one who wants to stop they increase their pace, and I grumble under my breath and follow, a hand pressing on my stomach. Without me noticing, Carter has fallen into step beside me, and I pull my hand away and rest it with its opposite on my gun. She smirks a little, looking away, and I lift my chin as we pause and wait for Daniel and Teal'c to negotiate their way over some tricky rubble, and I can't help but shift from foot to foot, a grimace on my face. A snicker sounds from beside me, and I turn to see Carter with a hand over her mouth. She looks back at me, trying to wipe the smirk away when she sees my expression, then she moves to follow Daniel. I'm just about to step after her when she pauses and glances back.
"You should have went before we came out sir" She says, and skips neatly up the hill.
Witch.
How the hell did she know I'm absolutely bursting for the toilet? Okay, there were a few subtle clues, but damn that woman pays too much attention to me for her own good. Way too much attention. Not that I mind when she gives me long looks from my toes to the top of my head on the rare occasions I dress up, in fact I love it, makes an old soldier feel good, but still she shouldn't. It also gets an old soldiers hopes up, and I hate that.
"Ow...damn son of a..."
I curse as I trip on a branch and almost fall, resulting in leaning over and rather neatly squishing my bladder, and I stop and wheeze for a moment until the pain goes away.
"Jack? Are you alright?" Comes Daniel's voice, and I look up to see him standing silhouetted at the top of the rise, Teal'c beside him. I curse a few more times, adding a few in Daniel's direction, and seeing my plight and state of mind Carter looks back down and me then up at Daniel.
"Can you see the UAV Daniel?" I throw a little smile in Carter's direction for refocusing Daniel's attention, and she gives me a little 'don't mention it' nod. That's my Carter, always making little sacrifices on my behalf.
"Uh...yeah, you're right Teal'c, there it is! We can see it Sam, it's just down the rise, in a lovely wooded spot!" And with that Daniel skips away, thankfully with Teal'c hot on his heels. I'm in no mood for babysitting Daniel today, Teal'c can handle it. I pull myself upright, and jostling my gun I pause to let out another bit on my belt before starting up the hill after Carter.
"Okay sir?" She asks, genuine concern on her face, and I smile reassuringly.
"Nothing a public convenience wouldn't solve Carter, and yes, I should have gone before we came out"
She smiles delightedly and we continue on up the hill. Wooded Daniel said, that's good, trees are good. For once, I welcome the possibility of many, many trees.
Once over the hill I stumble down the rocks in a rather ungainly fashion, and I don't think I've ever been so happy to see that little plane. It's nestled at the bottom of a gentle slope in the trees, cushioned by a generous blanket of bracken. It even appears to be in one piece. Daniel is already tucking into some candy from his pack, and Teal'c is patiently unpacking our gear to set up camp. I join them as Carter rushes off to check her beloved UAV.
"Okay, good, Teal'c you set up camp, get some MRE's going, and Daniel you...you eat"
Daniel looks up at me and mumbles incoherently around a mouthful of chocolate and Teal'c nods. I stand and look around for a moment, making sure there's no imminent danger, and satisfied that Carter and Teal'c can take care of things, I dump my pack on the floor and glance around for the thickest stand of trees.
"Well guys, I'm away for a sla...ahem...call of nature" I quickly say, smiling sweetly at Carter who's just stepped into earshot. She rolls her eyes a little, then joins the others setting up camp. I look at her for an extra long second, then run into the trees.
I can only run for a few short seconds as the action squashes my bladder a little more with each step, and soon I'm stalking like an old man, holding my stomach in both hands. I stagger this way and that through the ferns and straggly grass that the shade under the trees allows to grow and find a small clearing likely caused by the huge old rotting tree in the centre. I pause for a moment to look at the downed tree, and it must have been one hell of a size when it still stood. Deciding this is a perfect spot, I walk round the other side and into some tall plants for cover. I haven't come far from the camp and I don't want somebody stumbling in on me, cause I have a feeling that when I start I ain't gonna be stopping for a while. I kick a few leaves out of my way and turn into the plants as I reach for my zip.
Yaow!
I freeze as several large bits of those once friendly looking plants suddenly attach themselves to my fatigue pants, some of them dangerously close to my groin. I start to panic for a minute, my heart starting to hammer in my chest, but I finally realise the plants aren't some kind of intelligent malevolent life form, but merely possessed of leaves covered in lots of little barbs and spikes.
Still, it isn't much better.
I try and shift to one side, but the leaves dig in and a few barbs make it through the material and try to pierce my skin. Ouch, ouch ouch! I shift back the other way and one particular bard comes a little too close to a rather sensitive area, and I freeze and sigh. Great. I'd shout and ask Carter for help but I don't know whether she'd be up for untangling my sensitive areas from some nasty spikes. Well, you never know...
No...I gotta get out of here by myself or my bladders gonna burst. Right, I think the best thing to do would be to...
Youch!
I just went for it and leaped backwards, and even though it hurt like hell at least I'm free. I lean over and scrutinise my pants, but thankfully there are only a few small holes and I seem to be intact. The further I lean though the greater the pain in my bladder, and seeing how this plant is infesting this entire clearing I decide to move on.
After another five minutes or so of walking I come to a gentle slope leading down to a small pool fed by a small stream and little waterfall. After watching the area for a while I come to the conclusion that this place is actually quite beautiful, and make a mental note to show it to Carter later. The pool is flanked by large rocks, and to one side there is some bare ground and large trees. Perfect. Not only have I found a place devoid of plants but there's even a nice view to entertain me. Could this be any more perfect? I walk into the little clearing and peer down into the pool, delighted to see little shimmering rainbow fish dart about in the cool, clear water. Definitely gonna show Carter this...no doubt she'll think it's romantic or something...
So I walk into the little glade of trees and making doubly sure there's no killer plants about I yank down my zip. I close my eyes and plant my feet apart and I'm just about to start when I hear a strange low sound. Hmm...much though I'd like to think it's Carter growling at me in a moment of lust I really doubt it. I carefully open my eyes and look down into the angry teeth-filled face of some kind of huge wild cat, and it's looking at me rather hungrily. Correction, it's looking at a certain part of me rather hungrily, and I've never jerked my zip up so fast in my life. The cat's eyes meet mine, and it growls again, somewhere deep in it's massively muscled chest. It has a rough tawny coat and rather thin bony legs, but it's broad head and massive jaws mean business.
"Uh...nice kitty...niiiiiice kitty...I'm...I'm just gonna go now, okay?"
I take a careful step back, bringing my gun to the fore, and mentally curse myself for trynna have a pee by what it obviously a well used watering hole. Smart move Jack, very nice, way to go. Why don't I whip out the most delicate and beloved part of my anatomy where there are nasty mean creatures with big teeth looking for a bite? I have to clamp my knees together at the very thought of what could have happened, when the cat, having obviously sized me up, takes a step forward. Oh shit. Not good.
*********************************************************
"Look, I'm sorry I disturbed you and all, why don't you go back to what you were doing and I'll go back to what I was doing. Does that sound fair to you, huh?"
It's eyes rake down me and I clench my legs together even tighter when it's gaze lingers at a certain level. I guess I should be flattered it thinks its worthy of a meal, but there's no way in hell its gonna snack on my little buddy! Another growl starts to emanate from its throat and I take another step back, only to find there's nothing but air under my outstretched foot.
Oops.
My other leg tries valiantly to keep me on terra firma, and my arms spin windmill fashion in a vain attempt to keep my balance. Both failing, I tip backwards, landing hard on my back on a slippery slope...only it doesn't end there. The slope turns out to be some sort of natural muddy flume, and as I careen down it on my back head first, I do start to wonder if this day could get any worse. Thankfully my ride is joltingly short, and I land with a whump on a pile of dead twigs and wood, my breath knocked clean out of me. After a few minutes of wheezing, I finally get to my feet and survey the damage. Well, no broken bones, and really nothing but a huge smear of mud down my back to show for my troubles. Well, at least it got me away from that overgrown tabby. I brush as much mud off as I can, and am actually glad I didn't come down that little ride on my front. I don't think my bladder could have coped, and if at all possible I'd really rather not wet myself, it tends not to impress the ladies.
Sighing I strike off again, heading closer to the camp, and when I round a particularly large clump of shrubs I see a tiny clearing, filled with sunshine that's managed to find it's way down here through the thick canopy. I stop dead, and carefully look around, and behind every single tree in the near vicinity. Nothing but springy soil and large trees. Perfect....oh God please let it be perfect! I wait for a minute, keeping a look out, and nothing untoward seems to happen.
Finally...finally I've found some peace and quiet, and a nice area of loamy soil to find some blessed relief. I take a last long look around, making sure there's no mudslides, angry animals or any nasty spikey looking plants, and when I'm finally convinced the coast is clear I prop my back against the soft wide trunk of a huge safe-looking tree and unbuckle my belt. Sure I could just use my zipper but my bloated stomach could do with some relief. Sighing I finally lean my head back and let nature take its course, humming some old rock tune as I wait.
And wait...and wait...
Hell Carter's right, I really should have went before I came out. Well I didn't seem to have the time. I had paperwork due in, and Carter was trynna show me some soil results from PL7something...and Daniel was dangling some terracotta tiles or something in front of me and I just couldn't get away. Result, almost six hours later I feel like I'm about to burst, and hell after several minutes of uh...flow...I'm still going.
Finally the pressure on my insides starts to flag slightly, and I can now take a deep breath without sending sharp, stabbing pains shooting through my belly. I'm just beginning to relax and almost enjoy this feeling of resolution, when a twig snaps behind me and a slightly worried voice calls my name.
"Colonel?"
Before I can identify the voice much less the words, my body reacts instantly, thinking I'm facing yet another distraction or angry beast and I spin on my heels, coming face to face with a rather shocked looking Carter, and spraying a little in her direction. She gasps and I do the same, quickly spinning away to finish my ablutions. I tidy myself up and turn back to her, only to find her backing away into the trees.
"Uh....sorry sir...it's just you've been gone for a while and..."
"Hey...no problem Carter...I'll be back in a minute okay?"
"...okay"
Finally she's gone, and I feel the need to continue where I left off. Damn...
Well I'm sure she'll appreciate that little seduction number. Hey Carter, I' m really attracted to you, why don't I pee all over you to show how much I care? That'll make her jump into my arms huh? It's a primal males way of marking his territory and property y'know. Yeah...yeah I can see her falling for that. She'd have me on my back in the grass before I could get my zip done up. Not that I'd *need* to do my zip up of course. Okay...little fantasy over...I think it's time I returned to the others. Finally my bladder seems empty, and sighing I do up zips, buttons and my belt, and peer into the trees in the direction she came from.
Not exactly the kind of situation in which I'd imagined introducing her to my little buddy, but maybe we gotta work up to it. Or maybe I could have a cold, cold shower in that waterfall by the sparkling pool. And hey if I'm really lucky that cat will eat me, and then I'll never have to think about any of this ever again.
Sigh...
I better get back to the camp...and I bet Daniel's eaten all the damn candy again...
**************************************
I polish off the last candy bar in my pockets and sit back to watch Teal'c stir tonight's meal.
"How's it going Teal'c?"
"It is going fine Daniel Jackson...with no thanks to you"
I spin around at his last words, not sure I picked up those soft sounds, but Teal'c is concentrating on cooking. I must have imagined it. Oh well. Stuffing the last candy wrapper into my pack I sit back, and wonder when Sam and Jack are going to join us. Just as I think it the fronds of some bracken twitch, and Sam emerges and makes a beeline for the UAV.
"Hey Sam, you find Jack?" I ask, and her face reddens slightly before she shouts back over her shoulder, her course and speed unaltered.
"Uh yeah he's just coming Daniel" And sure enough a minute later Jack emerges, looking rather sheepish. He smiles a little in Sam's direction then plonks himself down beside me.
"You okay?"
His eyes flick to me quickly, and he straightens his back.
"Uh yeah...fine. Some nice scenery out there" His eyes flick to Sam and I get that feeling again, the feeling that they're constantly screwing whenever I take my eyes off them. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm imagining things, but if they aren't already then they sure as hell want to. I was there in the locker room to see Jack dancing about with Sam's abandoned and still damp towel wrapped around his head, muffled singing coming from within, and I saw Sam when she lay face down on the gym mat and sniffed it after Jack had vacated it after a long, hard workout. Do they think no-one sees the way they act? Do they think we're blind? Mind you, judging by that behaviour they obviously haven't resolved anything. Jack really is stupid.
"Idiot"
Jack spins around to face me as I accidentally speak my opinion, and jerks upright, looking around.
"Daniel??" He asks, and Teal'c speaks up.
"Do not fear O'Neill, Daniel Jackson was merely speaking of himself" Adds Teal'c in a sulky voice, and both Jack and I turn to face him. Weird. To break the moment Sam wanders over, hands behind her back, and Teal'c regards her strangely.
"Major Carter, you appear to have gotten your pants wet"
Both Jack and Sam stare down at her legs, and both of their faces twists and grimace a little when they see the wet stripe that crosses both pant legs diagonally just below the knee. Jack makes some of his strange apologetic head bobs, and Sam just smiles, her face a little red.
"Yeah there was a...hosepipe out there" She answers Teal'c, but meeting only Jack's eyes. A hosepipe? What the hell is she talking about? Jack grins broadly, and tips his head to one side as he puffs out his chest and leans casually against a tree.
"Must have been a big hopepipe huh Carter?" He adds, eyes sparkling, and she puts her hands on her hips and smiles evilly.
"Not really sir...nothing to write home about"
Jack does his best goldfish impression for a moment, then slumps back down on his seat and takes Teal'c's offered plate of food. Jack is an idiot...Mind you...if Sam likes him what does that say about her? I hang around with two of the weirdest people I think for what must be the hundredth time, and glancing at Teal'c I find him sneering at me, before he replaces that look with a schooled neutral one. Make that three of the weirdest people. I'm a sane man trapped in an asylum.
Sam sits herself down beside Teal'c and offers him a candy bar from her pocket, and he grins and thanks her profusely before giving me another dark look. What? The candy had no-one's name on it, and if you ask me it's there for the taking.
Mmm...candy...
Wait a minute...hosepipe? I look up to see Sam and Jack glance back and forth at each other and I sigh.
Oh God.
They *are* screwing.
*************************************
Teal'c's stew was...interesting as usual, and afterwards I just sat and watched him and Daniel fight over a Musketeer. Where Carter hides them I have no idea, but she got up a minute ago and threw the candy into the centre of where we were sitting and left. Bone in a dog pound.
"Teal'c...you don't even like candy!"
"I have never said so Daniel Jackson"
"I've never even seen you eat any!"
"With you around that is hardly surprising"
I leave this sight behind and haul my bedroll from my bag when I hear a squeal, followed by an 'ouch' and I freeze. That was most definitely a female voice, and judging by the direction she headed, and God Jack, the reason she probably went, it looks as if my Major has encountered those lovely plants I came across earlier. Well if she's anywhere near as unlucky as me, she has a few other things to go through before she finds some peace. I can't help but smile as I hear a few curses, and taking a last glance back at camp I smooth my hair and head off in the direction of the trees, thinking of showing a certain Major a certain lovely spot by a glistening, romantic pool. Stopping I go back for my sidearm in case we meet any bad tempered kitties, and I step into the trees and clear my throat before calling in a sing-song voice...
"Carter? You really should have gone before we came out..."
**************************************
THE END
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Weird huh?......
Story Notes: FEEDBACK: Yes please! Feeeeeeeeeeedbaaaaaaaaack...drool...
NOTES: Don't ask where this came from, but it was perpetuated by the Twisted Sisters and some people at work. Blame them.
NOTES: Don't ask where this came from, but it was perpetuated by the Twisted Sisters and some people at work. Blame them.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]