This was it, the moment when all begun...
The moment when I realized I was doomed, completely lost case... Oh I was already doomed way before that but hey I was so... but so... so so unconscious... so out of the real world... Had I ever lived in real world before? I mean with my upbringing, the parents that I have or haven't had, the Air Force, the Stargate program... the many worlds I encountered... many aliens wanting to kill me... What did I knew about real life? *I'll answer: Nothing, zip... zero!*
Okay, I knew lot of stuff in astrophysics, on biology, on space transports. I could have built any devices, machines, or program any computers... Oh that I knew... I was good at that, great... Oh I can't even deny I was the best there, one in a generation, maybe many generations... a incontrovertible genius freak.
But what did I knew about real life? *I'll keep answering you, even shouting at you: Nada, nothing, a big black hole....*
~~~~~~
I haven't ever lived something like that... It was unbelievable how pressured I was. As if the weight of the world was on my shoulders, on my chest... preventing me to walk, to breath, to work... And damned how much I hated this...
As a soldier, I knew that missions could go bad at any occasion. As a scientist, I knew everything was unpredictable... infinite variables. As an individual, I knew I could lost somebody dear to me at any time. And everything I feared, have ever dreaded before, happened just like that. I was in a nightmare... I was in my own hell. Every second that passed was worse than the previous, seconds let place to minutes, hours, days...
Each day was so hard... And I was a mess but I was still working... moving to stop theses feelings to freeze me completely... When I stopped moving, working,, it felt like I was prisoner of my own body, everything was turning all around... I couldn't rest... And here I was doing all I could do...
When days left place to weeks then months, I was closed to insanity... But I kept walking on this rope of salvation, gripping tight on the only thought that made me going on *I can do it, I can find him, I can save him and me at the same time.*
And the time came... we were there to recover him.
I was a wreckage at the time but so relieved, no more pressure, no more impeding weight anymore, I felt I could have fly away... And he, he was alive and fine. Wasn't the world a beautiful place?
I greeted him, so did he. I was beginning to explain him how I find the way to get to him... but I was in great mood and stopped myself, sparing him for this time... he was already dismissing me anyway, but it was so great to see him. The little hurt that followed each one of his technobable rejection was already fading... It wasn't as if I hadn't other aches elsewhere, I mean I was a big ache and inconvenience there in the mud... but he was like warm beautiful light... I was smiling.
When they said that the higher you are, the harder the fall... They were so... but so right....
Because then I realized... him... her... him and her... and I was so doomed, but so doomed... All life force left my body, there wasn't much of it anyway, I haven't had a decent meal or rest since he was away... All my little world was shadowed, everything was bitter grey... *And I really hate that colour, you know.*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We got home. In fact, I got home first, I descended the ramp, seeing the General behind the glass. I answered him with a smile, fearing my smile wasn't as bright as expected, I gave him a thumb before coming to him face in face.
"Major! How is the Colonel?", he asked. "He is fine", I said, "He's saying his goodbyes before leaving the planet." The General seemed satisfied with the report. "I'm tired, Sir", I said then knowing that it wasn't a lame excuse, it was totally true. "It is expected. We won't have the debriefing till tomorrow morning. You can take your leave from now!" I sighed with relief. I was about to leave when suddenly, I turn to General Hammond. "Permission to ask a favour, Sir!". The General smiled to me. "I haven't take days off for... hum..." "You haven't ever take days off on your own that is!". "Yes sir, you're right!. But I meant that..." "I know what you meant... After tomorrow debriefing, you have two weeks vacation, that's an order!", he smiled gently. I sighed again, relieved once more. "I only wanted one" I retorted joking. "If you weren't so indispensable, I would have given you a couple of months..." "Thanks, General", I said putting all of my sincere feelings in my line, or tried to... The man didn't know how much a saviour he was to me right now. Because, yeah I was a wreckage! My lack of sleep was obviously beginning to blast me down... but more than that I was a mess. I needed time, distance, time, distance... and time and a lot, lot of distance between HIM and me.
In two seconds or so it seemed, I was driving my Volvo... *It is a bad bad thing, when you don't notice you're driving you know... because you might have an accident, a stupid and ordinary car accident...* When you were successful to escape death from bad alien big guys every days or so, dying from a car accident by your own stupid fault was such a shame... an indescribable shame... And I would have really hate being shameful for dying in a car accident... or not, I would have been dead anyway... *Note to myself, my brain is defective... need to apply for another.* I was feeling out of focus suddenly... My rational mind, that wasn't that defective, realized I was in distress. Hopefully, I wasn't driving anymore. No I was searching for my keys in my bag, and then trying to put this damned key in the lock... Wrong key... I was desperate... I got in finally. I threw my bag, keys and everything on the floor... I disrobed and discarded my clothes around. I got under a hot shower... not focusing yet. I got out, I was cleaned... I gripped underwear and pyjamas and finally got in bed. Still not focusing. Closing my eyes, I sobbed. *How pitiful of me!* Just a minute later, I eventually dozed off... I was really really tired.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Morning at the base. I'm feeling like a thief except I won't steal anything... just my entire presence... And really no one owned my presence but me... so no reason to feel like that... I'm trying to hide from everybody, including him, that I'm avoiding him. Meaning the avoiding was all in my head... I did my report in the debriefing room, trying not to avoid his eyes too much... I smiled a lot when someone was watching... they expected me to do that... it was not the first time, I realized. Damned how such an unconscious fool I was! Okay, smiling today was definitely expected... after all, I did save him... from a happy peaceful life with a beautiful woman in a nearly paradise... it was so dangerous, a death or life situation, so threatening... Did I sound bitter? Shit! *Calm down, tomboy!* No I didn't try to diminish me... Oh yeah I did... just ignored that.
So I was standing there... and then he smiled at me, *you know the "Jack O'Neill" copyrighted smile...* and I was like *Oh the hell, why can 'taking my weapon and shooting his head off' be bad? How can it be bad?* I didn't do it... I mean if I did, people would have known... They would have known that I had a problem. *And God knows that I hate having problems on my own...* And arggg how much I hated grey, and the walls were so grey all around while I'm looking at them... Hell there was too much grey things in that room. I had to get out. But no, I was stuck... there... having to listen to HIS debrief... I lived in hell, a greyish hell that is!
I was in kind of trance, boiling... with a smile pasted on my face. God, I was desperate. I wasn't feeling like a thief anymore, it was good news if you don't consider that I'm feeling like a trapped animal... *Think about humm naquadah... about equations... about electric devices... My God, make all this end, the world, my life...* The end was near... Colonel O'Neill as usual did a short short report... *Thank God!*
The General dismissed everyone and there was it, the ultimate confrontation... I had to tell him I'm taking two weeks vacation. I already said it to Daniel when I arrived during breakfast and I met Teal'c in the elevator. I was sure he already knew it from his CO, but he was mine... he was my CO! I was still feeling out of focus, I decided that I really but really hated being out of focus.
I'm waiting for him near the door, planning to tell him and then run fast out of the room or something like that. He approached me finally, saying nothing. God I had to break the silence, I'm watching the ground, the grey ground! It was time! *Go kid!* "Hey, Sir!". I glanced at his face and he is staring at me... I was stunned. *Don't ask me what happened, my mind just shut down suddenly.* Silence. "Major! Hoohoo!", he is waving his hand on my face. My mind was back and then I was blaming me. What stupid stupid girl! I startled a bit. Everything was okey, I was breathing again... "Huh sorry, Sir! I 'm having problems to focus!", I begun, at last in control of my sense. "As you may know, I'm taking two weeks off... I'm... I'm... I'm sorry!", okay, I'm lacking of control again. He startled. "Sorry?". "Hum yes, you'll be stuck here for that time... I mean SG-1 won't be on mission for the time being!", I explained. Was I making a fool of myself? For how much time was I fooling myself like this ? He smiled even giggled? ... or that was a repressed laugh ? "Do you plan to go somewhere?", he said then. Far far far far from you, the words popped out of nowhere... hopefully only in my mind. I wasn't prepared to small talk with him... not prepared at all... Dammed me!!! Why did I want to be so perfect? It wouldn't have been so bad to just avoid him but no I wanted to play Miss Perfect. I hated myself. *And you know the worse. I'm bad at lying...* "I haven't planned precise locations yet, Sir. I just want time away of paperwork and a change of location." I was satisfied with my answer, really, even congratulating myself for my choice of words until he opened his mouth and I nearly chocked to death, mentally chocked because nothing was obstructing my throat at the time. "You might like fishing. I have a cabin with a little lake..." Obviously, I had a perfect grip of myself because he didn't seem to notice that I'm chocking to death. "... in Minnesota, the place is beautiful." Finally I flinched from the chocking. *Run my girl, the door is just there!!* I swallowed and smiled, hoping I wasn't making a face. "Huh, I'll be on the road, biking... And I would like go see my family." His face was unreadable as usual. "I'm sure you'll have fun with Daniel and Teal'c.", I added. I was such a fool to be hurt by my own words... I was so doomed. "Yeah you too", he smiled at me. It was my opportunity to fly away and I didn't hesitate to take it. "I'm going now. Good bye, Colonel!". I'm walking away at a not so fast speed when I heard his voice then I glanced back. "Carter! Rest, will you?", he wore a concerned face. "I will Sir, Thanks Sir!". And that was it, I walked away... but I wasn't feeling better. Did I say I was doomed? *Sigh.*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On the road. Biking was great. *People often like driving... It's a peaceful moment, when you're not where you have been, but not yet where you're going to. It's a moment between... where you're in control, sensing your vehicle, feeling the movement.* *Biking is just that to the tenth power.* But it has been a week and I wasn't settled yet. *Remember to thank the General for the TWO weeks vacation.* Of course, I came to the horrible conclusion that I have indeed a thing for my CO. *I definitively have a bad bad lunatic fringe. It's scaring. Sigh.* It wasn't what I have done to recover him. I mean I would have done the same for any member of my team... even for anyone on SGC. I've wondered a lot thinking back, about what were my feelings back in my lab working, getting frustrated, exhausting myself. Anyway I had always done that, doing researches in my lab... exhausting myself. *I'm dedicated, committed to my work... It's what I am.* What had been different? Was it the depth of exhaustion? *Who am I trying to delude?* I knew all the time I was completely misleading myself, a big but simple case of self-denying. And oh I didn't do it the straight way as a normal person would. No mine was a twisted, wicked way. I kept flooding my brain with useless questions and matters, trying to lure the brainy brainy part of my mind. And during this enitre week, I had pretty much succeeded but time was running up. *Shut up! Think about something else! Keep the self-delusion!* So for now, I'm just enjoying the trip, just feeling the road passing by. I was actually on the way to visit my brother's little family. It wasn't as if we're really closed and no, in the Carter family, family isn't a vocation. For the past, we... *Humm You know one thing I hate doing... remembering my childhood.* Damnit! All because of him. *You know, another thing I hate, lying... particularly lying to my CO. Sigh.* I didn't need to have a reason to visit my brother, did I? Okay, Mark would want to know and I would exactly answer just exactly that. *You know it... You have to deal with that! Just be honest! Get over it!* Deluding myself well, I kept on enjoying the ride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That was it. Two more days to go and I would be back at the base, back working with him. I better kicked my ass big time to settle things. I was closed to home. Repressing a big need to get away... far away, I stopped at a motel. I needed to focus on my problem. I was lying down on the bed there, thinking. I only suceeded in struggling with all my thoughts and feelings. I wasn't getting anywhere and I was hungry. I got up, ate at the diner and got back to my room, determined to get it done. I lied again, and I started all over again. *Do as if it was scientific materials!* ... Did I have a thing for my CO? Yes. Notice here, I used 'have a thing', not like or love or have crush, lust over... *What a precise little geek, I am! Sigh. Truth is I'm not prepared for any of these terms.* ... Were you sure? How? Yes. Stupid smiles, giggles, worship... *Did I say worship? Shit! I'm doomed! Don't stop now, keep thinking!* And of course, I knew it because of the hurt, the hurt to find him with another woman. But it was also right that you did felt betrayed, because while you were doing everything to get him back worrying, he was enjoying his time with her. Maybe the hurt came from that. *I'm making sense there.* ... Why did you feel the need to runaway from him? *Tricky question!* I wanted to settle my mind... humm ultimately yes. But I mostly ran from my intense emotions at the moment. *Damned! Add intense emotions to the previous question! Keep on!* I was angry and hurt. And in the end, I also ran because I didn't want him to know and bother him with it... and making me shameful! *I do hate shame.* ... Did I overreact? My feeling of panic was in fact totally expected. *Dedicated, committed to work, am I not?* I lived by the regulations. And I just didn't know how to deal with these feelings. And I obviously didn't want to disturb the team. ... And now the last and more important question, where did I go from here? I did overreact. I did have a thing for my CO, but just a thing, and nothing's going to happen. On my part or his. Nothing! I'm feeling relieved. I was confident that everything's going to be alright.
*I can live this. I can do that.*
*Otherwise... *
*Otherwise, I am doomed... so very doomed!*
Copyright (c) 2004 queenopy@yahoo.fr
Story Notes: AUTHOR'S NOTES: First time writing S/J fic, first time writing Stargate fic, first time writing in english... So be indulgent ^^. I checked spellings and grammar, but I don't have a beta so if someone is interested. I want to make it into a serie, with more action/adventure in the long term, tell me if it's a bad idea.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]