CHAPTER ONE
SGC: Officers commissary
~*~
'Right now I feel like a bird
Caged without a key
Everyone comes to stare at me
With so much joy and revelry
They don't know how I feel inside
Through my smile I cry
They don't know what they're doin' to me
Keeping me from flyin'
That's why I say that
I know why the caged bird sings
Only joy comes from song
She's so rare and beautiful to others
Why not just set her free
So she can
Fly, fly, fly
Spreadin her wings and her song
Let her
Fly, fly, fly
For the whole world to see
She's like a caged bird
Fly, fly
Ooh shoulda let her fly
shoulda let her fly
Shoulda let her fly
Spread wings
Spread beauty'
'Screw this song!' Jack scribbled in his notebook.
Two weeks ago, Hammond allowed elevator music to be played over the PA in the commissary. Despite his affirmation to improve staff morale, Jack wasn't too keen on the present music selection. Probably because Carter had just sung along, and he suspected she felt like a caged bird in their warped relationship. He also realized there was a glitch with the CD player, coz this was the third time the blasted song had played in the last twenty minutes.
Chin firmly braced on his left palm, Jack doodled in his notebook while Major Samantha Carter explained her newest theory on another application for the Naquadah generator . . .again, for his benefit.
"Sir?"
"Whaat?" He yawned, trying to block out the dumb and dumber song lyrics.
"Repeat what I just said?"
"Nope." He knew his comeback was not what she wanted. Knew he could repeat word for word and even understood her techno babble, but he so wasn't going to ruin his 'dumb O'Neill' image. Besides, messing with Carter was fun. Especially when she played along. Jack set down his pen and dove into the remains of his Banana Cream pie.
"Why?" She crossed her arms and glared at him. Ah, the game was a foot!
"Coz, I'm your CO and don't have to." He smirked like a spoiled kid.
"Hah! More like you know and understood exactly what I said and are just messing with me, sir."
"If you say so."
Sam screwed up her blue eyes and stabbed at her salad. "I don't know why I bother," she muttered and toyed with her salad.
"Coz you're crazy about me, Carter." He winked and donned his best 'win over Sam,' smile around his forkful of pie.
"Ya think?" She was so not smiling and he realized it had nothing to do with his lack of interest in her generator blather. He put down his fork, peered at her and then followed her longing gaze across the room. Crap!
Colonel Mathews and his wife Captain Kris Barrette Mathews had just returned to duty after a ninety day leave and now sat discreetly but purposely at a corner table, talking softly to each other. They weren't holding hands. Even for married couples at the SGC that was discouraged, especially under Hammond. But the couple did not have to hide their feelings. Nor did they. According to the grapevine Kris was pregnant. They were not assigned to each other, hadn't been for two years. They'd been CO and subordinate back then and soon as mutual feelings arose, they'd asked to be reassigned so they could pursue a personal relationship. Hammond granted it. The Colonel accepted a training commission for the newest SGC candidates while the Captain remained part of SG-12. No doubt that would soon change. Yet Kris didn't look the least disheartened over that prospect. The younger woman had a glow about her, one Jack knew well. Motherhood did that to women. He could only imagine how radiant Sam would look carrying his baby. Someday. Yeah.
"They're so happy," Sam sighed out. "Maybe someday." She lowered her long lashed eyes, not meeting Jack's. Darkening beneath his tan he suddenly found his pie fascinating.
"Yes. Sure. Someday." Dang! He hated these bumpy moments between them. There'd been a lot of them of late, of Sam pouting over what they'd yet to share together. Not that she did it intentionally or even consciously. Sam was a strong proud woman, but every month about this time-and boy, did he know what time it was. Major PMS time! Her reproductive clock was ticking down as she had put it to him three months ago during a hot embrace off world that almost went too far. He'd no doubt be a dad-to-be had he not taken a cold dip in that moon's purple lake. Unfortunately he hadn't known the purple color had nothing to do with sunlight. Anything that went into that lake came out purple. It'd taken Fraiser days to find a solvent to remove Jack's lavender hue, not to mention weeks to live it down among the SGC.
Taking up her tray Sam stood to leave. "If you'll excuse me, Colonel."
"Sure, Carter." He didn't stop her. He couldn't without making a scene. Worse, she knew he wouldn't. Dang! He hated their charades.
Hearing her boot heels click on the concrete floor, Jack scrunched his face and looked back down at the notebook. It'd become his journal of sorts. No one knew and that's why he got away with writing in public. Who else, let alone Carter, would think Colonel Jack O'Neill kept a journal? No one, and that was the beauty of it.
He'd been unconsciously journaling while Sam had been babbling. Jack had been writing a lot lately, especially since Daniel returned from his Ancient condo in clouds. Daniel hadn't remembered much. Heck, Daniel hadn't even known he was Daniel, let alone that Jack and Sam were an item let alone married. Daniel still didn't know about the marriage, but he'd figured out they were emotionally involved. And like the old Daniel, the new one approved.
As time went by there were things Daniel inadvertently shared with Jack, cryptic messages meant for him and Sam. Phrases like chosen hearts, scarecrow, Dorothy, forever okay, Keeper of the Stars, words only Sam and Jack spoke of with one another. How had Daniel known? Even before he'd ascended those words were never said around him. And how had he known that this very event would happen now? What had he said last week? Oh yeah. Jack tried not to think about it, but it was crystal clear as if it were just happening.
~*~
"She's miserable, Jack, and afraid." Daniel pulled up his lab stool and examined one of his many rocks, err um, artifacts.
"Is not?"
"Is too."
"Afraid about what?"
"That this is all there is." Daniel's wiggled his fingers in that strange way, Jack always found fascinating. "And that she'll never have a life with you outside this mountain or with anyone else for that matter. Never have a normal life as a wife and mother."
"Geez, this has been her life for years, Danny, and by choice might I add. Besides, we both want a life with three point two kids and a dog. And someday we'll have it. We promised each other that years ago."
"Seven point three years is a long courtship, Jack."
"Yes, well let me do the math." Coz, technically it's longer than that. "Even when we're zapping snakeheads or flying through the gate, it's what I fight to live for. But I'm sure not going ask Sam to give this up for me. I'd never put her in that position."
"Maybe that's the problem." Daniel gazed over his smeared glass lens that Jack frowned at, removed, and then looked for something with which to clean them.
"Whatcha mean?" He reached for a box of tissues.
Daniel squinted and pulled a bottle of lens cleaner out of his desk drawer. "Here." He handed over the bottle. "You're both too selfish to let each other go. To let the other fly and discover if what you have is worth waiting for."
"Wow! I've been around enough to know what I want, Danny. Sam's all I need and if this is all we ever have, I'm content." Jack sprayed the dirty lens, wiped them with a tissue, perched the glasses on Daniel's nose, and then smiled with satisfaction.
"Hey, thanks. I can see again!"
"You really scare me sometimes, Daniel."
The linguist shrugged indifference. "Yeah, it's because you're older than Sam and have been married you can feel confident about what you want. Can't say the same about Sam. Which is why she's not as happy as she could be, should be."
"You saying I don't make Sam happy?" Jack flinched and his fists tightened at his side. Hitting something about now would feel great. Like Daniel!
"I'm saying, that besides a broken engagement to that wacko Jonas Hanson, you're all she's known for a long time, Jack. And well let's face it, for the most part, you're a royal pain the ass."
"You had to ascend to figure that out?"
Daniel snorted.
"Hey, I try to treat her right." Jack picked up an object and started doubting himself, including how he treated Carter.
"And you do. You treat Sam as your equal, let her fight her own battles most of time . . .But you also take her for granted, both as her CO and as her . . .um, lover."
"Oy!" Jack gestured at the camera.
"Don't worry, it's on the fritz . . . again." Daniel returned his attention to the book on Ancient Babylon he'd been studying.
"I'm a bad influence on you, Space Monkey." Jack dropped in the opposite swivel stool spinning around until dizzy, and then tipped his head back and balanced a pencil on his tip of his nose. Cool!
"Sure are." Daniel snorted and rolled his eyes.
Jack put down the pencil and a reflective moment fell between them. When he started juggling an artifact, Daniel yanked it away and set it carefully on the table.
"So let me get this straight. You think Sam should date other guys?" Jack felt his gut ache at the very thought of Sam being with someone else. "Sleep with another men?" Now he wanted to vomit.
"Define sleep, Jack?"
"You forget about sex while you were cloud surfing?"
"Hardly. But let's face it, I've never believed you and Sam should have to obey that stupid fraternizing regulation, but you continue to honor it. So if you mean her being intimate with another man, well I wouldn't go that far. And were our roles reversed, which they aren't, I wouldn't want my wannabe lover with someone else either. Besides, I'm just theorizing here. Sam would never walk away from you let alone cheat on you. Nope, there'd have to be good reason for that to happen."
"Like me shutting down, being cranky and rude?"
"You already do that, Jack, and not just to Sam."
'Oh,' he mouthed. "Yeah, well I'm just saying." He winced.
"You'd have to become a real SOB. Avoid her, just talk shop, stop visiting her lab, bringing her Jell-O and cake. No more team barbecues or sleepovers as an excuse to be with her, no more hugs and that neck nuzzle thingy you never give Teal'c or me." He chuckled. "Would have to stop."
"Oy!"
"Yeah. But then we know that's never going happen." Daniel gathered his books to leave his lab.
"It's not." Jack scratched his jaw. "Why?"
"Because you, Jack O'Neill, are too selfish to let Sam out of the cage you built for her. Too selfish to let her soar among the clouds and wait for her to come back to you willingly and more importantly with no regrets."
"Am not."
"Are too."
~*~
'Crap. I'm one selfish bastard.'
Since he'd unconsciously scribbled down the words, Jack glanced at his poetic musing and realized the truth of Daniel's remarks.
"If you love her,
Set her free . . . .
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was . . . meant to be.
So let her spread her wings and fly,
Let her soar where you are not
Let her taste another's lips,
And discover what she's missed locked within your arms.
If you love her,
If her happiness means more than your shattered heart
Turn away,
Set her free . . .
If she comes back, she's yours
If she doesn't she never was . . .
Let her fly . . . Yeah
Let her come back willingly . . .to be yours forever, with no regrets."
~*~
CHAPTER TWO
4 Months later: A Tok'ra scout vessel
~*~
Jack snapped open his watch cover and glanced at the date and time.
Wednesday, 1205 Hours. He snorted.
Figures, it'd be Wednesday and they weren't at base having their weekly closet date.
Figures, they were hundreds of light years from home and no freaking Stargate to step through and find Hammond greeting them with his typical parental scowl of concern followed by, "Welcome back, people. We'll debrief at 1330 hours and, Colonel, I suggest you shower."
Figures, they were experiencing the worst jet lag ever. It might be noon back home, but it felt like midnight, even later.
Figures, it had been another mission from hell. Eight days of detailed planning gone amuck, while trying to rescue a Tok'ra operative off of Anubis' ship. Another three days fleeing Anubis' drones, not to mention other Goa'uld. And now at last, they were on a Tok'ra scout ship headed home, with said rescued operative Jacob Carter at the helm. Rescuing Jacob Carter was becoming a monthly event.
His adrenaline still high and unable to sleep, Jack perched against a bullock in the transport hold and finished cleaning his P90. Zats and staff weapons didn't need cleaning. But Jack took comfort in this routine of disassembling and cleaning his faithful weapon. It gave him time to think and sort things out, like the details of his inevitable mission report, the details he'd list and the details he'd purposely omit. Yeah, there were a lot of the latter.
Well, at least his team made it through alive again. Not without scratches. Daniel had a mosquito bit, okay so it was a knife wound that the nurses would fuss over and Daniel would enjoy every minute of. Teal'c had been pummeled pretty hard but the big ox would heal in no time. And Carter-Jack forced that bloody thought away and stuffed it deep, tossing the key with it. He cleared his throat and took a quick swipe at the tears that burned his eyelids.
Dang, he sure couldn't let her or anyone else see him this way. Hands shaking, he straightened and locked the gun's muzzle in place, then concentrated on the positives, like now. She was alive. She was with him. Yeah!
Last he'd checked Daniel was sawing logs on co-pilot seat beside Jacob. Man could that kid snore! Teal'c was somewhere onboard and Sam was showering, rinsing off three days of sweat and blood, her blood, his blood. Showering without him. Hum. Wow! A vision he forced from his mind with some effort. Jack's thoughts kept sweeping over the roller coaster ride of their last mission. Mostly how many times he'd almost lost Sam, not including his two near misses of entering Heaven's pearly gates. Then again, he'd almost lost Daniel and Teal'c in that last crossfire. Crap! How much longer could he do this? Each time like now, the after effects weighed him down physically, mentally and emotionally. Stress induced acid reflux knotted his gut with enough acid to dissolve a silver dollar. He tossed a handful of antacids down his throat and chewed.
"I'm too freaking old for this!" he groused. And like all the other times, he vowed it was the last one. He'd retire and go fishing. So why did he keep pushing his middle-aged bones beyond their max?
"Sir?" Carter stood in the doorway yawning.
Oh yeah, that's why. Jack looked up at his exhausted 2IC. Like everyone else she had needed a change of clothes. But she'd fallen asleep after Selmak had healed her and had been the last to wash up. Jacob had given the team spare Tok'ra uniforms. At least Jack's fit this time. Nothing riding up his butt, not even Sam's thong. He grinned. On the other hand, Sam's outfit was two sizes too big. He smiled at her adorable features drowning in what he called pajamas with attitude.
"It's late, Carter, get some Z's." He couldn't handle her being so near him, not without making a fool out of himself. But then what was new about that?
"If I go to sleep we can't talk, sir." She sashayed toward him, then halted and looked down into his expressionless response. Her mouth was tight with forced concentration, but her blue eyes misted. Crap! She's awaiting permission. Didn't she know she didn't need it? Didn't she know how he needed her here? Man, was he confused!
"Be my guest, Ma'am." Jack wasn't about to argue, anytime with Carter was precious to him. And whether he made a fool out of himself or not, he wanted her here.
Sam settled beside him, but made certain they didn't touch. The CO in him respected that, wanted that. While the man who loved her, grieved at how formal they could be even when alone. Still they'd not had much downtime or one-on-one even if it was as CO and subordinate. Strange it was Wednesday, their day, as they called it. If they'd been home on base, they'd be in their closet, holding each other and talking, not about the SGC or the Goa'uld, but each other and their future. Or sometimes like now they didn't need to talk, they'd just hold each other the entire time. Yeah. It'd been three months since they'd last shared the closet. But at least they'd been together in one fashion or another, even if it was as sir and ma'am.
After almost eight years they'd come to play their charade so well it was no longer second nature, it was first. Like an old married couple, they'd gone past the need of stolen glances or touches to know how intense and secure they felt in their love for each other. Although of late Jack sensed more unease in Sam, sensed her discontent. Especially after Daniel had pointed it out to him a few months back. But after yesterday, that concern had vanished. Carter still loved him and knowing this Jack could be content, until the next time, he only prayed she could.
When their shoulders grazed she smiled wearily at him. That simple contact sent pleasurable signals southward. You may be an old, bone-aching fart, Jack, but you're not dead below the waist. He shifted his propped knees hoping to hide the evidence. He recalled their near-death experience in Antarctica seven years back and when cuddling for warmth, Sam's hand had accidentally grazed his crotch. "It's my side arm, I swear." Like hell it was and she knew it.
Freezing to death with a broken leg, cracked ribs, and internal bleeding Jack was at full attention coz Carter was holding him. If he could have managed it, he'd have made love to her. Often as now, he wished he had. Wished every opportunity they'd passed over the years he'd not been so noble and loyal to the regulations. Then again, would she have respected him in the morning? Respect was a major factor in their wannabe lovers relationship and he somehow sensed they'd not be together had one or the other broken that moral military protocol.
Sam yawned and interrupted Jack's revelry. She'd been suffering insomnia the last while. At least he'd catnapped. She looked more exhausted than he felt. She could be sitting at the helm with Jacob. That she was here made him grateful.
"I'm grateful too, sir." She put a hand on his forearm and squeezed gently, then laced both her hands around her bent knees, where she propped her cheek and gazed at him.
Jack kept his cool. Their mind reading had long become the norm. He set his weapon aside and turned into her, their faces so close he could easily kiss her. Jack wanted nothing more than to bend his weary head and be renewed by her moist warm lips and a kiss that would be as responsive and wanting as his own. He wouldn't though. Sam knew it, accepted what they had for now. They'd laid their ground rules so long ago, he wondered if she ever regretted them as he did. Yet just being together, having made one more day, meant they were closer to being together as lovers, as husband and wife. Now, like always with the battle temporarily behind them, he became lost in her dark blue gaze that was his alone. He finally found his voice, and it wasn't his CO tone either.
"Yes, well, there's a lot to be grateful for. Anything particular this time?" He waggled a brow.
"You." She grinned. "Saved Dad's butt again."
"You saved him too."
"Guess so. Either way, he's appreciative."
Jack grinned at their atypical round robin chat. "He told me, Sam. Besides I lost track how many times he's saved my sorry ass over the years."
"I know." She stifled a yawn then glanced out the small port window at the passing stars. Another reflective moment that was theirs as Jack stared with her. "Amazing that no matter what, they are faithfully always there, where ever we go. A safe bet."
Jack smiled wistfully. "Yeah, amazing." His gaze locked on her eyes he so wasn't thinking about the stars. Like me Sam. 'I'll always be here for you no matter what.' But instead he said, "My mom always believed they were windows to heaven."
He expected her to start babbling about the molecular makeup of a star. She didn't. "The older I get the more I'd like to believe that."
"Me too."
With the strong comfort level between them Jack gave a prayer of thanks. Sam lulled her head against the bullock and pulled her knees to her chest again. They sat in silence. He wondered if she was thinking about when they'd been locked up together, when they thought they were going to die yesterday? What they'd said to each? How they'd embraced, kissed and almost made love? Yeah, coz he sure was thinking about it. A lot. Still, she said nothing and that was all right. He knew her well enough, knew she'd probably buried it for the time being. That's how Sam dealt with their situation. He could deal to. He always did. Yeah.
Jack stood, then eased into his sleeping bag and settled down feeling every groove and fastener of the hard surface biting into his aching muscles and spine. There was a time when being so bone tired he wouldn't have noticed the metal deck beneath him.
The fact he wanted his firm support mattress more than ever, confirmed what he'd known the last four years. You're getting old, Jack. Hell, you don't even savor the macho pain anymore. What a wimp! And the same old concerns and questions rattled about in his head, this time demanding answers.
For both our sakes, I've got to get out of this freaking job while I'm still in one piece. We want normal, want a home and kids. Just how many baseballs can I pitch to a six-year old if I keep up this warrior crap? Going to pitch them from a walker or wheel chair, Jack? He shuddered.
'The Goa'uld remain a pain in the assets while Anubis thinks he's God and his next stop is to screw mother earth. Not like I've still got the Ancients knowledge to defeat the SOB. Dang, if I could just stick my head back in that wall blender again. Yeah!
And if I resign will Carter love, trust, and respect me? Love yes. Respect and trust probably not. And I know what happens when those vital emotions die. Sara. Yeah. Right. So not going there.
But how long do I expect Sam to wait? She deserves more. Deserves to have a life outside the SGC. Heck we're so paranoid about the NID we don't even meet in the park anymore, or sit on my roof and stargaze. When's the last time I wined and dined her in public, let alone cuddled on the couch and watched Gene Kelly movies and fell asleep together. Be honest, not since before Daniel ascended. And now that he's back? Still nothing.
Why?
Darned if I know.
Yes I do. Coz, I'm chicken shit. I'm not good enough for Sam, never have been. That's always been the issue. Time I own up to it and bow out gracefully. Yeah, before she comes to hate me for all these years of not having normal, of not having a family and kids. Of clinging to a seven year old promise made in a musty closet.
But she loves me!
Love! What does she know about love between normal folks?
Like she's had a chance to meet anyone else or love anyone else. I've made certain that hasn't happened. I've kept her with me. Even when I'm off fishing, I know exactly where she's at, what she's doing. She's either working or with Janet, Cassie, Jacob, Mark, Daniel or Teal'c. I never even worry about her looking beyond our extended family or me. But I know she needs more, wants more. And someday this won't be enough least not the way things are between us now. Face it, Jack; it hasn't been enough for along time. No kissing, touching, making love, making babies. Why are we lying to each other about it?
Crap!
Truth hurts, huh?
Sure does.
So what if someone younger, smarter, handsomer comes along? How am I going to deal? Look how badly I handled that Ancient alien Orin living in her house for two weeks. I behaved like a jealous lover, showing up with pizza and Star Wars videos just to see if the guy was a romantic threat. Sure, he wasn't, but I still worried. And later, after the guy died to save her, well, became an Ancient again, Sam was devastated, but when I held her, the first words out of her mouth were, he loved me, Jack, but I couldn't return the affection, because of us.
Crap! What us? Stealing an embrace on an alien planet in front of other officers, and making it seem as if I'm just consoling my 2IC? So freaking romantic, Jack.
Maybe I should do what I did to Sara? Shut down. Push her away. Encourage Sam to see other men. The very thought of another man loving her, touching her, fulfilling her needs! Ow! Major acid reflex.
But she's my wife! In name only. Still, don't recall if we consummated our vows. Besides we haven't discussed it in years. Afraid to. Afraid it didn't happen. Worse, afraid that it did.
But, Dear Lord, she's my life. I love her!'
God answered. Weird, how the Almighty always sounded like General Hammond.
'How much, Jack? Do you love her enough to let her go? To see her happy, no matter the cost, no matter the pain? Do you love her enough to work with her side-by-side and know she's with someone else? If you can do that, then perhaps you'll know the joy of true love that requires sacrifices greater than you've yet to make. Son, you've died for her more times than you can count. You've also said you'd die for anyone, but you would only live for Carter.
So prove it, son.
If you love her,
Set her free . . . .
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was . . .'
Fine, fine! God's quoting my love sonnets!
'Jack, if you really love Samantha, you will let her go and you will live on. What'll it be, son?'
~*~
CHAPTER THREE
~*~
Jack couldn't answer that question. He knew in his heart what he had to do and soon. But for the immediate, he selfishly clung to what little they had. Here. Now.
"It's free ya know?"
"What?" She brushed a damp curls from her eyes and looked down at him.
"My shoulder." He extended his hand in his CO non-threatening fashion.
Sam worried her lower lip. He could see the wheels turning as she glanced at the open hatchway, knowing just around the corner Dad sat at the helm.
"Ah, the campers are asleep, Dorothy, we should do the same."
"Daniel and Teal'c are hardly my concern, Colonel."
"Yeah, well, we've talked," he yawned out. "Me and Dad, that is."
"And?"
"He knows."
Her mouth opened and then snapped shut.
"If you recall, he's known since the X-301 Intercept incident. Heck, I figured, he'd suspected long before that."
"How could I forget?" She shuddered. "But he doesn't know we got married on Chulak."
"Does now."
Jack smirked as his wife's chin figuratively hit the floor. Well almost. "Shut your mouth, Major."
She did, but not before glancing toward the helm and scowling. "How long?"
"All along, I suspect." He shrugged.
"Holy Hannah!"
"Hey, does it matter?"
"Yes!" She crossed her arms over her the swell of her breasts. Jack grinned knowing those size C cups were all his. Yeah.
"Sam." He dragged a hand over his face and into his hair, yawning. He couldn't believe he was arguing about sleeping together, let alone that's all they were going to do. Ever. He tried not to think that, but couldn't, his conversation with the Creator too close for comfort.
"Don't Sam me, Colonel, sir."
"Ah, crap, here we go again!"
Sam leaned forward and hissed, "Dad threatened to zat you if this ever happened and I believe him."
"Hey, nothing has happened that either of us are ashamed of, right?"
"Well, no." She failed to engage his daring gaze. "But we're married, Jack. We broke the regs." He heard the drained regret in her voice and winced.
"A matter of interpretation, Carter. I did retire!"
"Barely."
"Well there you are. Besides, I survived Dad's wrath." 'Only hope I can survive yours, Sam. Hope you won't hate me someday soon. God, this is so freaking hard!'
"Only because he loves you like a son."
"Ya think?" He waggled his brows and hoped he'd pulled it off.
"I know so." The hint of a smile bowed her lush lips.
"Whatever. The point is I'm still alive and so are you." He sniffed a breath. "And I wouldn't pass up a safe bet, Carter." He winked, then held the sleeping bag open for her, fearing this was the last time they'd share such intimacy. By tomorrow this time they'd be gating back to earth and then he'd start doing what he had started after Daniel ascended but had failed. This time he'd make certain Sam fell out of love with him. Yeah. He could do that for her sake. For her future happiness, he could do no less.
"Odd, that's what Dad just said to me." She scrunched her face in amusement.
"Well, there you are. Father knows best about safe bets."
"So he thinks." She joined Jack and curled her slender warm back against him, closed her eyes and sighed out in contentment, "Thanks."
"Think nothing of it." He draped the top of the sleeping bag over them and wrapped his right arm possessively around his 2IC. His fingers gently needed her tensed neck muscles and shoulders. He'd miss these precious moments, miss the feel of Sam pressed against him, even if just as CO and 2IC sharing body heat. Jack choked back the emotions clogging his throat, strangling his heart.
"It's Wednesday, you know."
"Yeah sure yabetcha." He hugged her tighter. "Closet time."
"Our time." She sighed. A peaceful moment passed. "You know what else I'm grateful for," she whispered into his shoulder.
"Umm . . . what?" 'Hang in there, Jack, don't let her feel you shake, feel you sweat.'
"You being you."
"Well there's only one me." He chuckled in her ear.
"Thank heavens." She sighed. "I couldn't handle anyone else having you as their CO."
"Daniel and T do."
"That's different."
"Why?"
"They're guys."
"Ah. And your point?" His fingers tracked beneath the blanket along her ribs and skimmed the contours of her firm bosoms. He felt her breath hitch, but she didn't stop him from exploring their fullness or when he caressed and aroused their peaks. It was almost as if she knew it wouldn't happen again, as of she sensed his intentions. Did she? He hoped not.
"Wow! That would be one of them." She snagged his hand and pressed it firmly over her right breast, which he gently kneaded. Sam shuddered and pressed into him.
"Gotcha." He snickered.
"Yes, you do, sir. Forever."
'Hope so.'
"This is so not something I'd be doing to the guys, Carter," he growled in her ear, and then kissed her earlobe.
"Well that's a relief." Another sensual Carter moan and he almost lost it as his fingers itched to explore far more south than her breasts.
Whoops! Time for a time out, O'Neill! He settled his hand on her hip, which only made him think of what rested between her gorgeous hips. This is not good, Jack. Well it's very good, just not a good time. No. It's a good time. Just, well, the timing sucks. Crap! There won't be another time!
"Yes, well, I thank God more than you'll ever know, Dorothy, for all we've had."
"Umm, me too. But there will be more, you know," she said suggestively and wiggled against him.
"Yes, Well. Sure." He winced, hoping she didn't catch the reluctance in his voice.
Sam sighed and drawing his forearm across her collarbone, she pressed a hot kiss to his open palm.
Jack swallowed at her intimate gesture. Not something he'd ever taken for granted. But her delicate kiss further stirred him and he tried to adjust himself to conceal the growing indication of his need for her.
"Sir?"
"It's my side arm, I swear," he whispered huskily, only to feel her rub her derriere against his loaded weapon. Jack's breath hitched and his voice dropped an octave. "You're evil, Carter."
"So you've said." Sam laughed softly.
"No giggling." He jammed an extra blanket between them.
"Trying." Only to laugh at his temporary solution to calm mutual desires.
"Carter, go-" he croaked.
"To sleep. Yes sir. But-"
"Na ah!" His breath warmed her neck.
A moment of silence followed as Jack swept her damp blonde hair off her neck and gently stroked the length of her white skin with his leathered fingertips, knowing that soothed her. Sam's soft, steady breathing assured him, his magic touch was working.
"Lord, give me strength to walk away from this, from her?"
Like a familiar soap opera Jack revisited the last seven years. How quickly it had passed. How much they'd seen and experienced together. More than most couples experienced in a lifetime. Yeah, what they'd had was precious and sacred. Suddenly Jack was hearing Sam's techno babble, watching her blue eyes glow bright when she'd discover some new alien technology and how she'd try to explain it to him, knowing he'd interrupt her by flagging his hands, rolling his eyes or just plain gripping for her to get to the freaking point. Yeah, he loved those moments when despite their mutual annoyance with each other they loved beyond words.
Jack smiled at how she laughed at his lame jokes, worse she understood them. How she argued with him just for the sake of arguing, knowing she could get him madder than a hornet one minute and calm him with a smile or a touch the next. In truth it was usually Sam who when Jack was facing off with the likes of Kinsey, could with one gaze, lower his rage to a simmer. No one had that much emotional control over Jack, but Samantha Jean Carter-O'Neill. No one made him angrier, happier or sadder than she did. And there was no one else, not even Daniel or Teal'c who he trusted more, to either watch his six or save their collective asses. He trusted Sam, depended on her to be there for him, for their team, no matter what. And the idea of losing that bond with her scared the ever-loving crap out of him. But he also knew the time was coming for Sam to lead her own SG team and if Jack had his way it would be SG-1.
If all went as planned, in two weeks she'd board the Prometheus with Colonel Ronson for a month of scientific exploration, including some newly discovered nebulous forty-eight light years from earth. Until today, Jack had planned to go along. Not that he needed too. But unlike the past when he allowed her to spread her wings without him preening over her, he'd intended to keep her at his side and protect her. Why? Because he'd grown more possessive and paranoid than ever when it came to Sam's welfare.
Crap! Sam so didn't need his protection. Never had. He realized then, he wasn't helping her move up the ladder, he was holding her back. He couldn't do that anymore. She would go this one alone. She deserved too.
Before their previous mission when she'd gone off with Jacob and Teal'c and Jack had but minutes before flying to Central America to save Daniel's ass, Jack had comes to terms with how much he loved Sam. They'd met in the closet and said goodbye. It had been the hardest farewell he'd ever experience between them. They'd almost made love. He'd wanted her so desperately. He'd sensed the same in Sam. He'd also sensed her despair and longing for more than promises of when he returned. She'd reassured him it was enough, that they were okay. But as he left, he knew it wasn't. He knew he was losing her.
Later, in the jungle, Jack realized how much he hated being out of her sight, not knowing she was all right. He knew she'd be in danger, so was he, but it wasn't his life he'd been concerned with, worried over. He'd never forget when he heard she'd been knocked around by one of Anubis' drones and dislocated her shoulder. He almost went to met her, but knew Hammond would see through whatever excuse Jack would have. When Sam exited the gate with Jacob and Teal'c, when he saw her arm in a sling, he could only stand there and said something stupid like:
"So. Miss me?" When all he'd wanted to do was pull her in his arms and never let her go.
Yeah, all he could do was buy her lunch and cut her food. She'd seemed satisfied with that, with holding his hand under the table of a restaurant forty-five miles from the Springs, where there were hopefully no knowledgeable witnesses. Jack almost resigned that day. And yet he knew Sam would have blown a gasket had he even voiced his intentions.
Like now, she would have argued he had an important job to do, that he couldn't turn his back on saving Earth let alone the galaxy because of their love affair. She'd even quote his words, "That's what we do, Carter, we kill the bad guys and save the world."
That had been the light bulb moment for him. When he realized they were heading for dangerous seas. When he knew he could no longer separate being her CO from being her husband. Oh, he'd gone this route before, they both had over the years. But he knew were there a next time like this last mission, of not knowing if she were alive or dead, he'd probably go bonkers. Heck, he'd not gone fishing in six months. He didn't want to. He wanted to be with Sam twenty-four seven. Had she noticed? Why hadn't she asked why he no longer drove the sixteen-hour drive over the weekend, nor asked her to go fishing anymore? Two reasons, he couldn't bare to hear her say no again, and because like him, she knew things were no longer safe between them if she did accept.
If given the opportunity two things would eventually happen. They'd jump each others bones and hate each other later, or one of them would walk. Jack knew Sam wouldn't walk without cause. So he would give her one. He wondered if she realized that. Was she was waiting for him to give her the okay to move on?
Hey, give her some credit, Jack. She's way smarter than you. She knows you better than anybody. So why hasn't she said something? Why after yesterday, when you were both pledging your love to each other does she act as if you are a normal couple who just happens to fight aliens for a living? Why does she act as if this is enough, when she knows damn well it isn't what she wants anymore?
Some heavy metal song he'd heard while channel surfing on his truck's radio wormed its way into his wormhole, tunnel-vision brain. Sometimes having a mind like a steel trap sucked. Of all the stuff to unconsciously file away, Jack memorized song lyrics, even the ones he didn't like. Yep, it was just another befitting song for his bittersweet love affair with Sam. How'd it go?
'When you've played out As the World Turns
You don't need soaps to clean your mind
Every little child learns
If you can't see dreams, your eyes are blind
Was it just a fool's impression?
Such an antiquated passion.
On the day they both conspired to ride the midway after dark
They had enough of their pride to not bring coins to this amusement park
And she held his hand to follow
And he held his breath, then let go
They crouched down low.
Sat in the front row.
Untied the rope so they could fly
Hold on tight, let's get it just right,
We'll take our last flight.
You and I.
When you're getting tired of normal
You sometimes think you've lost your will
You see something less formal
And reconcile to try to move in for the thrill
Was it breaking down like most do?
Or searching for happiness where you're supposed to?
So they cried inside while their eyes smiled
There was no turning back for two
Erase the memory stockpile
All alone, and one thing left to do
In the roller coaster shadows,
They took off their shoes and bared their souls
They crouched down low.
Sat in the front row
Untied the rope so they could fly
Hold on tight, let's get it just right
We'll take our last flight.
You and I.
And she held his hand to follow
And he held his breath, then let go
They crouched down low
Sat in the front row
Untied the rope so they could fly
Hold on tight, let's get it just right,
We'll take our last flight.
You and I.'
Geez, stop thinking so much! Man, you're becoming Carter. Jack drew her close, shut his eyes and inhaled the essence that was Samantha, a scent he'd know anywhere, anytime, since their Black Ops days. A scent that had upon many occasions led him to her and saved her life and his as well. Odd, that neither Daniel nor Teal'c had ever noticed it. He wondered why?
Sam's fragrance was as familiar to Jack as his own. And then it hit him. She smelled like him. Well, not exactly. Sam was sweeter and fresher, but amidst the vanilla and strawberry shampoo, he inhaled what she'd called his unique earthy scent of crushed autumn leaves and fresh dirt. Yeah, that scent was his and she now exuded it. Odd, he'd not noticed before how they'd become each another, not only in knowing each others thoughts and finishing each other sentences, but smell as well. So did he smell like vanilla? Weird. Like they were bonded. Was that normal? Was he imagining this? Was he a pervert!
"You smell nice," Sam mumbled with a sleep-laden tongue as she nuzzled deeper into his arms.
"So do you, babe."
"You called me, babe." She tilted her head, rubbing her cheek against his bristled jaw, sending another electrical surge to elevate his high testosterone levels.
"Yep." He grinned not feeling the least bit guilty, then whispered back, "We still okay, Sam?"
"Forever okay, Jack." She held on tighter.
"Yeah."
She was the sole reason why he'd kept doing what his fifty-something year old body and mind loathed. He was holding that reason as close as possible without hurting his wife Sam. He only hoped she could survive the emotional injury he would soon inflict upon her, he hoped and prayed she realized he loved her enough to let her go. More importantly, he hoped his trust in God would be repaid and that in letting Sam go she would one day fly back to him.
Within a few moments Sam's breathing settled into a soft rhythmic snore. Only now could he release the long weary breath he'd been holding and the tears. At last he could draw her closer and without hesitation, finger the wisps of blonde curls behind her right ear and kiss her soft white neck. Only now like her, could he sleep.
~*~
Walking toward the bridge, Teal'c paused at the transport room's hatchway and glanced at his two friends. Smiling, he cocked his head with rye amusement at the familiar intimate position they had settled into. O'Neill called it spooning. On his world they called it what it was. The mating embrace meant only for lovers, husbands and wives. Turning away, Teal'c's Jaffa smile broadened.
Had they any idea how long it had been since they'd joined as man and woman, as young lovers eighteen years ago? Apparently not. Teal'c wondered how much longer he should keep the truth from them. Unfortunately, two other innocent beings were involved. So for now, he would remain silent. He had no choice. His companions had long become one in heart, mind and soul. Hopefully one day soon, their bodies would become one again as well.
"Indeed." Meanwhile, he would have to keep Jacob/Selmak occupied. Somehow, Teal'c did not think Samantha Carter's over protective father would be pleased to find her in the Colonel's arms. Then again, Jacob was presently in debt to O'Neill. He would just have to eat cake or was it crow?
Teal'c preferred cake.
~*~
The End
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