"Old friends, Sat on their park bench like bookends"
From 'Bookends', lyrics by Paul Simon
General Jack O'Neill pulled his coat tighter around his neck as he waited impatiently on the park bench. The wind had picked up and its icy chill made his bones ache. A gust blew a sheet of newspaper onto his feet, its headline proclaiming the re-election of President Clooney. He chuckled softly to himself as he kicked the page away. An actor in the White House. Didn't this country ever learn?
Jack gazed out over the city and wondered again why she had called him.
"Its been a while. I'd just like to see you."
A while. Yeah, it had been a while. Twenty years and still just the sound of her voice on the other end of the phone-line had given him that same feeling in the pit of his stomach. Butterflies weren't really enough to describe it.
"Will you come?"
"Yeah, I'll come."
She was late. The waiting was making him nervous. They had left it so long already that each minute he spent sitting on the bench seemed to him like a pointless waste of time.
"Hello, sir."
Jack froze, suddenly not wanting to turn round. The memory that he had of her was so perfectly preserved he didn't want reality to alter it. He wanted her pale skin to be just as smooth and unsullied as he remembered it. He didn't want the passage of time to have dulled the vibrant blue of her eyes or to have tainted her golden hair with streaks of grey.
"Its been over twenty years since I've been your CO, Carter. I think we can dispense with the 'sir'."
He stood up and turned around to look upon her and was glad that he had spoken before he had done so. The sight of her caught the breath in the back of his throat. Even now, out of a whole universe of creation, Samantha Carter was the most beautiful thing that he had ever seen. Her hair was silver now, but still cropped in the air force style that had always looked so good on her. Her skin was lined but not heavily so and crows feet crinkled at the corners of her eyes. And her eyes... for a second he found himself detached from reality, transported back twenty five years to when he had looked into those eyes for the first time. Back at Star Gate Command in the Cheyenne Mountain base, locked in confrontation over the briefing room table as the Captain defended her right to travel through the gate. They were still as blue and still as entrancing.
"I guess old habits die hard, Jack."
"Yeah," he said quietly, "yeah, they do."
Sam walked over to sit on the bench and he sat down next to her.
"You look well, Carter."
For some reason she laughed at that and turned away to look over the city.
"How've you been, Jack?"
"I've been good," he said, wondering if she had called him just to exchange small talk or whether there was something specific she was wanted to say to him. Either way he didn't mind. To sit here on this bench and just look at her all day would be enough for him. "I finally managed to retire so my main occupation for the past three years has been fishing. And lots of it. But I still...." He trailed off, uncertain of what he had intended saying.
"You miss it?"
Jack turned to look at her. "Yes I miss it. But things changed a lot. After..." He stopped again. The words were difficult. "After Danny died it just seemed as if it wasn't SG-1 anymore. Hammond had already retired by then. And you had gone." He took a breath. Why was it so difficult to say these things? Daniel had been killed offworld over ten years ago, but still Jack missed him sorely. With Carter though it was different. Daniel was dead and there was nothing anyone could do to change that, but the distance between Carter and himself was of their own doing and their absence from one another was self-enforced. The ache for her was always there. Every day of his life since she had left, he had thought of her and wanted to be with her. But he had denied himself the comfort of seeing her. Until now.
"So what happened to the team?" she asked.
"There was no team anymore. Teal'c and I both talked about it after a while and decided that it was time to call it a day. Hammond had tried assigning us replacements but it never worked the way it used to. We didn't last very long without you, Samantha."
"You know I had to leave."
"Do I?"
Sam looked away, unable or unwilling to reply. They sat in silence for a few minutes, both lost in their thoughts. Although they had never discussed it aloud, Jack knew why she had left. Damn the Tok'ra! As far as he was concerned they had stolen her from him by making them admit what they had spent three years trying to deny. She had said that she loved him and he had known that he loved her back. Strapped into that machine, their souls laid bare, they had been forced to admit the strength of their bond with one another. And it had changed their lives utterly.
They had agreed that none of what had transpired would leave the room, but in doing so they were attempting to control something that was completely outwith their charge. They didn't own those feelings, they owned them and that was why she had left. The following week General Hammond had been forced to accept Major Sam Carter's resignation. A job had been offered to her in Washington, one that was apparently too good to refuse and she had gone. Jack had stood and watched her walk up the corridor into the elevator that would take her away from him. She hadn't looked back until she was inside the cab. He had tried to make eye contact, thinking that if she looked into his eyes she would realise that this was a mistake, that she could stay and nothing had to change. And finally she looked up, but still the elevator doors closed and he had never saw her again. Until now.
"You weren't at the funeral."
"No, I was in hospital. Giving birth to my daughter."
The statement pained him even though he knew she had a husband and children. Did she have to put it out there, so baldly, so raw?
"Oh, yeah. I think your father told me that at the time."
"I was sorry I couldn't be there, but I've visited his grave a few times." The wind whipped at the strands of silver hair that hung around her forehead and the chill of winter invaded the air turning both their noses and cheeks rosy pink.
"So how is the family?" Jack didn't particularly care about the answer to his question. He had only asked it so that he wouldn't appear bitter about Carter moving on with her life and forgetting about him. When she didn't reply he turned to look at her and saw tears running silently down her face. A memory stirred of the first time he had saw her cry, after she realised that they had left Daniel for dead on some alien planet. On that occasion he had wrapped her in his arms and stroked her hair trying to make the hurt and the horror go away. Now he did the same again. Closing the gap between them on the bench, he pulled her into a fierce embrace and she sobbed quietly into his chest.
"Ssh, Sam. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I know you must miss him too."
After a few minutes the shaking of her shoulders subsided and she pulled away from him, moving to the other end of the bench, her arms folded across her chest.
After a while she said, "I'm sorry, Jack. I didn't want to start crying. But its been hard."
"Why?"
She paused and then tried to change the subject. "Didn't you meet anyone? After I left?"
He smiled wryly. It was a question that had bothered him for many years after Carter had gone. Why hadn't he met anyone? Sure there had been dates and there had been lovers, but each of them had departed in the same manner. He had pushed them away because they were not what he wanted. He would never get what he wanted. Jack remembered what Suzi Steinbeck had said to him the last time she left his apartment.
"Why don't you call her, Jack? You're gonna end up in pieces if you don't call her."
Carter's name had never been mentioned in all the time they were together and Suzi had never asked if there had been anyone else, but still she knew. Perhaps the memory of her was written all over his face. The knowledge of something else that should have been, evident for all to see.
But he hadn't called her, because he'd heard about James and the beautiful service they'd had and the perfect dress she'd worn and the way they'd danced together for the first waltz and the perfect song they had chosen.
He hadn't called her and whaddaya know Suzi Steinbeck was right. It had torn him to pieces.
"Yeah, I met people," he replied, slightly irked by her interrogation. "Why are you asking me these things, Carter? You wanna rub it in?" Instantly he regretted his harsh tone and winced in expectation of Sam crying again, but instead she just gave a small smile and reached over to touch his hand.
"No, Colonel," she said, evidently disregarding his present title. "I'm not rubbing it in. Its just something I've wondered about." By the way she was looking at him, Jack knew she had something else to say, but he held back not wanting to push her or make her feel pressurised. What she said next shocked him. He wasn't surprised so much, because he had suspected the fact for the past nineteen years. It was her admission of it that surprised him more.
"I was never in love with James."
"Why did you marry him?"
Still her tone remained subdued and resigned. Jack guessed that she had gone over this debate in her head countless times before. "Because he asked."
"Oh, so that's it? He asked so you had to say yes?"
"I said yes because I knew I would never hear the same question from the person I wanted". Jack turned sharply to look at her, but she continued without returning his gaze. "So I accepted the first man who came along. I never loved James but he gave me security and comfort. And he gave me my children and there's nothing I would want more."
"Nothing?"
"Life isn't perfect, Colonel. I have the best I could hope for." But even as she said the words, Jack knew that both their lives could have been so much different had she decided to remain with the SGC. He looked up at the sky and saw how the sombre clouds were forming, threatening the rain that would adjourn their meeting on the bench. It gave him the courage to say more than he ever would normally.
"I could have given you more, Major," he answered knowing that the Air Force had promoted her long ago, but taking refuge in the title he had last addressed her by. Major. His Major.
He had watched her pull Martouf towards her and had known then that nothing could remain as it had once been. Embracing the Tok'ra's lifeless body she was betraying the way that she had once felt, when Jolinar was within her. But just minutes before she had betrayed the way that Sam Carter had felt, only this time there was no symbiote to hide behind. Whatever emotions she had experienced were hers and hers alone.
"If you had given me more we would both have had to resign from the Air Force."
"Would you have cared?" Sam looked at him when he asked this, studying his expressions carefully. She replied quietly.
"No. No I wouldn't."
"Doesn't that make you angry?" His tone was incredulous.
"Hey, shit happens," answered Sam, laughing.
"Yeah but this happened for no reason!" Jack leant over and grabbed her by the shoulders. It wasn't fair that he had lost her and he wanted to make her realise this. "I wanted you, Sam. More than I've ever wanted anything in my life. You saved me when all I wanted to do was complete my mission on Abydos and retreat back into the safety of retirement. You gave me a reason to return to the SGC day after day and listen to the scientific briefings that I had absolutely no interest in! Don't you realise how important you being there was to me?"
Both soldiers gazed at one another, the earlier tension forgotten in the atmosphere of confession. Jack felt that he wanted to tell her everything about what he had felt during their time together. About his gratitude at the way she looked after him in Antarctica, and how she had tried to bring him back home when he was stranded on Edora. But he knew that the words would be too little, far too late. Why had she called him? The question arose in his mind again only this time he was unable to consign it to the realms of curiosity.
"Why did you call me, Carter?" Suddenly the squall that had been threatening to disturb the pair all evening surfaced and a drizzle of rain began to fall. It was going to get heavier before night time came.
"Looks like summers over," she said looking at the darkening sky. Jack turned away and watched the leaves that were dancing along the path, waiting to see if she was ready to answer.
"Do you ever wonder if you've been a good enough person, Jack?"
His face squinted in puzzlement. Her cryptic statements confused him and he wished in his usual impatient manner that she would tell him what was on her mind, but he decided to play along.
"I think I've done my best. There's a lot I'm not proud of. In fact there's a lot that I'm downright ashamed of, but I try to be a decent person. Just as much as anyone I suppose. If you're asking do I think I'll get into heaven then I'm don't have a clue."
"I'm not worried about heaven. I guess I just hope that the people who's lives I affect aren't left wanting more from me." Jack gazed at her as she continued talking, trying to make sense of what she was saying and to guess what it was all leading to. "When my mother died all I could think about for a long time was how much I didn't get to say to her. There's so much of my life that she didn't get to share in, even while she was still here. I remember the first boy I ever dated, Casey Matthews. If you could call going for ice cream after school a date. My mom didn't know a thing about him. Not because I had anything to hide. I was just so eager to be independent and to have something that was just mine. But I should have told her. I should have shared that much with her." Sam's voice cracked again and she bowed her head to stare at her hands, but she managed to keep the tears at bay. "I hope my kids don't feel they have to keep things from me."
Jack reached out and rested his hand at the top of her back, gently teasing the hairs around the nape of her neck with his fingers.
"Sam?" It was a prompt rather than a question and Sam responded.
"I had to call you, Jack. I couldn't leave things as they were."
"And how were they?"
"Unresolved. I know we can never change the past but I wanted to know that we can close the book on what happened. And what might have happened. I called because I want to make sure we can get over it. For both our sakes, but for yours more than mine."
Jack interrupted, not quite able to believe what she was saying to him. "Get over it??? Sam, are you serious? How can we ever get over this? My feelings for you have been the biggest thing in my life for the past twenty years. Its consumed me. If you expect me to close the book on this one then you've become very obtuse in your old age!"
"Jack, I'm trying to find some closure here. I need to set my house in order. Why can't you...."
"Set your house....." Jack laughed, dumfounded what she was saying, but unable to find the right words to say so. "Sam, what are you talking about? You sound like....."
"I'm dying, Jack." Her voice was quiet. A simple statement of facts without drama or hysteria, but it had the same effect on Jack as it would if she had screamed it at the top of her lungs. The silence that ensued was total and overwhelming.
He sat backwards on the bench and covered his face with his hands, his mind raging with emotions but unable to settle on a single one. His breath came in short gasps and his stomach churned. Leaning forward, his elbows on his knees, his hands still covering his face, he tried to speak.
"You're.... You're...." Jacks mouth opened and closed as he attempted to articulate words that would adequately express what he was thinking. But he stopped. He didn't know what he was thinking.
As the two soldiers sat on the bench, thunder resonated in the east. Suddenly and absurdly, Jack found himself wondering if he had packed his waterproof jacket. The thought was banal and inconsequential and he took refuge in that, away from the revelation that Carter had just struck him with. That awful and inescapable truth. The ultimate reality. He refused to believe it. She must have it wrong. In the same instant he wanted to ask her why, but also recoiled from the question because it would make the fact concrete and something that he couldn't argue with. He asked.
"How?"
"Cancer. Of the pancreas. Same old story, I guess. They found it too late and now its inoperable. I didn't even know anything was wrong until a couple of months ago. I injured my back horse-riding and they found it in the x-rays."
Finally, he turned to look at her for the first time since she had said the words and said in a small voice, "So how long?"
"Six months. A year at most." Carter's tone was calm and rational, accepting almost. She had obviously gone through the denial and anguish that was currently plaguing Jack and had come to terms with what the future held for her.
He broke. His head falling forward into his hands once more, the tears coursed down his face unbidden and his shoulders shook as huge convulsing sobs racked his body. A hand reached out to touch his back and it struck him how pathetic the situation was. Sam had just informed him that she had only months left in this universe and she was the one trying to comfort him.
"Colonel, I didn't tell you this to make you feel sad. I just decided that there's little point in hiding from things any longer. In fact something like makes you realise how much time people waste hiding from one another and how stupid it all is. We're all so afraid of revealing ourselves, but why should we be?"
"Because feelings aren't always convenient," said Jack, wryly.
"That's just an excuse. Its us who are afraid. People. We take refuge in rules and regulations because we're so afraid of falling on our asses and making a complete fool out of ourselves. I said it myself that I wouldn't have cared if we'd both had to leave the airforce. When it comes right down to it, its just a job, a title. It doesn't make us who we are. But twenty years ago I was so afraid of what would happen if we acted on our admissions. I was such an idiot."
"We both were."
"Yeah, we both were." Sam nodded in agreement. "I'm a different person now. And I hope you are too."
Jack remained silent, looking down at the grass that was becoming soaked in the rain, studying the droplets that hung from each blade. "No, Carter I don't think I am," he said.
In response to her confused expression he continued. "I've been the same person for the past twenty three years. I've already done my changing a long time ago. I remember something I said to you once. I haven't been myself since I met you."
She winced at the memory and the context in which the words had been said. "Yeah, I remember."
"Well its true. I made a change at some point during our time at the SGC, from the old cynical, world weary Jack O'Neill and I was glad for it. For a time I actually liked who I was. And the person I had to thank most was you." He paused and sighed. "But I never did."
"Do you still like who you are?" The question was hesitant, almost apprehensive.
"I think for the past twenty years I've been trying to deny that that change ever happened, as if that would negate what we had been through. I tried to tell myself that it was unimportant and that none of what we had said on that machine was real. It was just the result of an intense situation. But I was just kidding myself. Whatever changes I had made - you had made - they were irrevocable. So yes, Sam. I am the same person. And I'm glad that I am."
"So what about regrets?"
Her question prompted a laugh from him. "Don't ask me to have no regrets, Sam? That's something I can't do. It would take a much better person than me to look on all that's happened and say it was all for a reason. But what I can say is that maybe its time to move on." Jack gazed at her face as a smile spread across it, revealing her perfect white teeth and wondered to himself whether he was saying these things because they were true or because they were what she wanted to hear. Surprising himself, he believed that the former was true. Of course it would make her happy, but maybe, finally, it would make him happy too. Then a thought struck him. At first he almost laughed it off as being foolish and whimsical but after a few seconds considering it he decided that he needed this. No regrets was all well and good but not when there was something that could still be done about it.
He saw the realisation in her eyes as he leaned towards her, but there was no resistance in her poise. Her lips opened slightly, anticipating the kiss that had been twenty three years coming. Their lips met and the world exploded. Why had it taken so long for this to happen? There was no passion in the contact, no expression of unconsummated lust. Just a feeling of longing and sadness at what could never be. And also a quiet acceptance that things should be just so. At the same time it was beautiful. So beautiful that both almost cried.
They parted and looked into each others eyes for the longest moment, seemingly unaware of the rain that was well on its way to becoming torrential. A tiny smile adorned both their faces.
"Worth the wait," said Colonel Jack O'Neill.
"Yes, it was," replied Major Samantha Carter.
The two friends turned to gaze out once more over the city, their hands clasped tightly. The wind blew and the rain fell and they wrapped their overcoats tightly around their bodies, but neither moved. Two old friends, who sat watching the horizon, remembering the past that neither could change and contemplating the future that lay in wait.
"Old friends, Memory brushes the same years, Silently facing the same fear....."
Story Notes: (bobafxxx@aol.com)
CATEGORY: S/J UST, hurt/comfort.
SPOILERS: D&C, COTG, Solitudes and 100 days. (maybe a couple more minor ones)
SEASON/SEQUEL: Post D&C
ARCHIVE: SJA, Heliopolis and if anyone else wants it they can have, but just let me know where its going (who said the recycle bin??)
AUTHORS NOTES: This is based on a very melancholy Simon and Garfunkel song, the lyrics of which are absolutely fantastic. If anyone wants the complete lyrics, let me know I'll be happy to share. Oh and be warned this is not a feelgood fic
CATEGORY: S/J UST, hurt/comfort.
SPOILERS: D&C, COTG, Solitudes and 100 days. (maybe a couple more minor ones)
SEASON/SEQUEL: Post D&C
ARCHIVE: SJA, Heliopolis and if anyone else wants it they can have, but just let me know where its going (who said the recycle bin??)
AUTHORS NOTES: This is based on a very melancholy Simon and Garfunkel song, the lyrics of which are absolutely fantastic. If anyone wants the complete lyrics, let me know I'll be happy to share. Oh and be warned this is not a feelgood fic
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]