He was dead; gone forever. Sam was still in a state of shock, knowing it had happened but still not wanting to believe it. Death; the death of her CO, Jack O'Neill, the man she loved. She knew it to be true because she had witnessed it.
Sam had worked herself to the bone over the last few days trying to keep herself occupied and avoid thinking too hard. It was an impossible struggle but it didn't stop her trying. Despite her best efforts, she'd been assailed by every emotion in the book, but continued to reject the attempts of her friends to comfort her or talk about it. She had hardly slept or ate, was irritable and upset and couldn't concentrate.
When she allowed herself a break she might sometimes secretly and quietly cry about it. She couldn't help reflecting on her regrets, sorrows and feelings for that man who was now lost to her forever. Love. It was a word that stuck in her throat and brought a bitter taste to her mouth.
Sam had never been certain or confidant of that love; his reciprocation of it, or her own feelings. Neither of them had ever got the chance to find out if it was real, imagined, or an excuse to avoid real life. She had come close to finding out with Pete though. He had been real, but not enough. For a while there she had thought she loved him but was lying to herself. She did that a lot, particularly when it came to facing her feelings for Jack O'Neill. Now the depth of her love for him had become starkly clear, but too late. The tears started to flow freely again as she thought about it. She couldn't seem to stop them. Each one represented her regret, grief and sense of loss. She was devastated and didn't know how to deal with it.
Now she was close to totally losing control. They'd held a memorial service that morning, in the gate room at Cheyenne Mountain. It was that which had started her off, just as she thought she was getting a grip. Even Teal'c had nearly lost it. He hadn't, of course, he was far too restrained, but he'd come close. She could do with taking some lessons from Teal'c. Daniel had made no pretence at covering how he felt. She had seen the tears run down his cheeks.
O'Neill's body had never been recovered. The whole team had seen what happened; a staff blast straight to his chest. They had been separated by Jaffa and the rest of SG-1 had barely made it home with their own lives. When they went back to recover his body they found bones and fragments of all the dead on a huge funeral pyre. The Colonel's dog tags were among the remains. Sam was profoundly disturbed that Jack had been disposed of in this anonymous way because he merited a good deal more.
General Hammond tried his best to compensate for that omission by saying some pretty good things about Jack in his eulogy. The Colonel deserved every word and then some. Hammond had always hoped that Jack would overcome the odds and outlive him, but it wasn't to be. He had admired and respected O'Neill, despite his considerable faults and maverick, sometimes insubordinate, attitude. These were some of the qualities that had made O'Neill the man he was. Jack was a hero and deserved that recognition. Hammond had certainly provided it. Jack would have been proud.
Sam had managed to maintain her composure, but only just. She'd felt the tears trying to beat her and wouldn't let them. A good officer, that's what she was; she'd show them. The Colonel had had faith in her and she couldn't let him down.
They'd all loved Jack, in their own ways. He was that kind of guy and didn't even know it. Not that he was perfect, far from it. Nor did Sam want to think of him in that way. It was important that she remember the real Jack O'Neill. She loved and respected him; he'd done many great things and been a fine leader, the best. He was also a good and very dear friend. However he was human and flawed, just like the rest of mankind. No one should be worshipped on a pedestal and Jack would have hated that above everything. False gods; dead false gods.
Persistent knocking woke her. She was surprised she'd been asleep but it happened when she least expected it these days. Go to bed and no way could she sleep. Get up to make a hot drink, then sit and watch TV for a while, and she'd doze off before you could say Starsky and Hutch.
At the moment she caught snatches of sleep, but never enough. There was too much going around in her head, or bad dreams would wake her. This time it was someone at the front door. Crap! It would be Daniel and Teal'c. They were accompanying her to Jack's lawyers. After the service, even Sam had to admit defeat and ask her friends for help, lacking the strength to do this alone. The great effort of will required to get through each day without falling apart had bled her dry.
Jack had left something for her and she had made the appointment with his lawyers for today in her desire to get all the unpleasant things out of the way at once; this and the memorial service. Damn it! That had probably been a seriously bad idea.
Daniel and Teal'c were sombre and morose. They weren't looking so great. When she went to comb her hair she realised that she didn't look too hot either. She changed into something suitable for lawyers. At least she thought it was suitable but what did she know about lawyers? Only that they all looked very smartly turned out when she saw re-runs of Ally McBeal at 3 am.
She was pleased they were coming with her as she didn't think she could face whatever it was on her own. Although she considered herself a strong and independent woman, now was not the time to be burning her bra. She needed her friends. Face it, they needed each other. Sam had no idea what to expect once she got there, no concept of what Jack might have left for her. All she knew was that it was going to be something he wanted her to have. That alone would be a more than ample excuse to lose control again.
The lawyer's office was very ordinary. There were no beautiful women who looked like they could squeeze through the eye of a needle; no super cool men who appeared to brush their teeth with whitewash each morning and practice brilliant smiles in the mirror; no weirdoes muttering to themselves in corners. Not everything was as seen on TV.
"Major Carter, it's a pleasure to meet you. I am sorry these are such unfortunate circumstances. Please sit down." He indicated a chair. She thought he was introduced as Mr Levinson, but couldn’t be sure. "You too, gentleman, please." He gestured to Daniel and Teal'c who sat near Sam protectively.
"I am sorry for your loss, Major. I've been Colonel O'Neill's lawyer for a long time. He was an unusual man."
Sam nodded, mutely, wondering what they lawyer meant by unusual.
"Colonel O'Neill left something in my care to give you in these… circumstances." Levinson continued. He reached into a drawer and pulled out a package and a letter, passing them to her. "He wanted you to have these before all the details of his will were revealed and processed. He left me strict instructions about it."
He noticed Sam fingering the letter and parcel, clearly upset, reticent and uncertain what to do now.
"Major Carter, there is an empty room you can use here if you would like to open them now. Or you can take them home, of course." He smiled faintly, trying to look encouraging. No matter how many times he dealt with the death of a loved one, it was something that he never got used to.
The parcel was plainly wrapped in brown paper. She could feel a box inside but had no way of guessing what it contained. Sam looked at the envelope of the letter. It read 'Major Samantha Carter' in Jack's unmistakable handwriting. A note. Jack had written her a note?
"Um, I'd like to take them home, if that's ok." She replied.
"Of course Major, whatever you wish."
They all politely said goodbye to each other and the three friends left. Daniel drove them back to Sam's and they spent the journey in silence. Sam fingered the envelope and parcel all the way home. Something from Jack. She both looked forward to and dreaded opening them, knowing that she might lose control once she looked inside. She had no idea what awaited her. Ever since she had found out that he had left something for her she had been stunned by the notion.
When they got to her door she invited her friends in and made them all coffee. She didn’t want to be alone, wanted her friends there in case she needed them. She's had enough of being alone over the last few days. Daniel and Teal'c had tried to persuade her to let them keep her company but she had rejected their advances. She was a poor friend; they had probably needed her as much as she should have wanted them. However, she'd been unable to face the friendship and togetherness without Jack there too. Today was different.
"Sam, do you want us to stick around?" Asked Daniel.
"Please Daniel. If you don't mind."
"Hey, any time, Sam, any time." He pulled her into a hug and she responded as a friend should, sensing his own need.
As they drank the coffee, the envelope and parcel taunted her from their place on the coffee table. You know you want to open me, so open me, they said.
"Guys, I'd like to open these alone. Do you mind staying here while I take them into the den?"
"Whatever you want, Sam." Replied Daniel, while Teal'c inclined his head in acquiescence.
Closeting herself away she stared at the envelope for a long time before she had the nerve to open it. Carefully she slit it open with a paper knife to ensure it sustained no damage. She unfolded the pages. This was no note, but a letter. It was written in Jack's own hand. No PC printout for Jack O'Neill. She smiled. It made it so much more personal and she appreciated that. She started to read.
'My beloved Sam'
Her screech at this salutation brought Daniel and Teal'c running to her door.
"I'm okay, guys. Just a little shocked. It's fine." Her heart was hammering. 'My beloved Sam'? God, if that was how it started what else was it going to say? It was the last thing she expected.
Having got rid of the over solicitous Daniel and Teal'c, she sat down to start again, vowing to make no more noise as she read. She could have asked them to leave and knew she was being selfish in keeping them here in case she should need their solace. Unbeknown to her, Daniel and Teal'c had come prepared to stay all night if they needed to. Both were also mourning the loss of Jack but understood that it was hardest of all for her. The three of them together; that's what was required right now.
'My beloved Sam
If you are reading this then I guess that I'm dead - blunt, but true. Yes, I'm sorry, one of THOSE letters. It's a cliché, I know, but there it is. It has to be done. I hope you can bear with me through my blundering use of words. You know I'm no good at this kind of thing.
Why am I writing this? I could never speak it; I haven't the ability or the right, and have never been in a position to say it. I owe it to you, though. I can only do my best and hope I don't screw it up and, frankly, it's easier to write it than to say it. Besides, I won't be there to see your reaction, which makes me a coward I guess. Who would have thought that of Jack O'Neill?
This is harder than I thought. I imagined that writing all this down would be so much easier than saying it, but it’s tough. I guess this letter is my way of getting my feelings off my chest. My own kind of self help therapy. Hardly fair of me because I'm just dumping it all on to you. I'm a total bastard, but you already know that."
She smiled at that. Too damned right, but my kind of bastard, she thought, then continued reading.
"I hate that my death means I won’t ever be there for you again, as your friend and as your CO. I won’t be around to watch your six. Never again will I have the pleasure of seeing your face, those beautiful, shining blue eyes and bright smile that made my day and lit up my life. I won't ever hear your voice confusing the hell out of me, or be bowled over by that super intelligent brain of yours. Nor will I ever simply feel the warmth of your presence, not in this lifetime anyway. As this is the only one we've got, I guess that's it. Finito."
She felt the tears pricking at her eyes again. It was so unlike her to be this uncontrolled. She hated it.
"There are a lot of things that I would have missed about you if it was me that was left behind. I always figured that my life was so much better for having you in it, and the lack of you in it would have left a gaping hole. You were my breath of fresh air, Sam, and all my hopes and dreams of the future. All of that has gone, if it was ever truly there.
You changed me for the better. All of you did - my team. I am so proud of you Sam; you and the others. I think I helped change you too and hope we are both better people because we touched each other's lives."
She paused to think about that and believed she had changed, for good or ill, because of Jack's influence. On balance she thought mainly for the good. How do you disentangle the changes that experience provides from those wrought by the people that you are closest to? Going through the gate, their work, had changed them all fundamentally.
"They say that we regret not the things that we did, but the things we didn't do. How true is that? I always regretted that we were unable to do anything about us, Sam. You must know that. I hope you do. Now, I'm no longer in a position to regret it, so it's easy for me. But if you feel the way I always hoped you felt, then you are in that position. Believe me, Sam, I'm not worth it."
Not worth it? Who was he trying to kid? Did he really undervalue himself so much? She could feel the tears coming down her cheeks as she considered that and lifted the letter so they didn't smear his writing.
"Maybe you don't feel like that anymore, who knows? I’ve wondered, but how could I ever have asked? Despite my uncertainty, I'm writing this anyway because now that I'm gone neither of us needs to feel embarrassed by the whole thing anymore; how we feel about each other, our ranks; nothing.
I could never have said this to you without knowing for sure whether you returned my feelings. I would have been far too nervous, gauche and embarrassed. I can envisage your lips turned upwards in a slight smile as you try to picture your old CO as a shrinking violet. Learn something new about me, Sam? I’m not all I’m cracked up to be, believe you me."
She was trying to blink back her tears as she read, her vision kept blurring. As he suspected, she did smile a little at the thought of Jack being a shrinking violet. It upset her to realise that he had never been confident of her feelings about him. Foolish of her. How could he be when she hadn't been herself? He had good cause to feel like that, particularly over the last few months. She regretted that he had died without knowing. It was one of her many regrets. Having thought that, she nearly laughed when she read the next line.
"So, if you feel that regret, please don’t. You need to get on with your life. You deserve more than I could have given you and it was selfish of me to ever think about depriving you of that. I don’t want you to waste your time mourning me when there are so many other better things you could be doing. Don't make me come back to haunt you with my bad jokes in an effort to get you to move on!
Another irony. Jack O'Neill tries to tell you what to do with your life, again. I nagged at you for years about getting a life outside of the SGC. When you finally did, it hurt like hell. I was so absolutely unprepared for it when it happened. It hit me hard. I never could have shown you how I felt about it, you probably thought it didn't mean anything to me; but it did, and still does. It means a lot. It means that I can no longer fantasise that you might be mine, because you are with someone else. He's a lucky son of a bitch, your Pete. You deserve some happiness and, however bad it makes me feel inside, I cannot try to deny you that."
She had to stop, letting the tears flow freely. She hoped she wasn't sobbing loudly enough for Daniel and Teal'c to hear. Their magic appearing act was something she could live without right now. She needed to be alone to finish this. It might take all night at this rate, but she'd get there eventually.
Pete had got his marching orders a while ago but she had never told Jack. It seemed an odd thing to say to him out of the blue and no suitable opportunity had arisen to allow her to merely drop it into the conversation. Besides, she hadn't wanted to give him the chance to be smug and self satisfied about it. Another thing to add to her list of regrets. She figured if she wrote them all down she could wallpaper her living room with them.
"I could never have given you that happiness. I'm too tarnished by all the horrific things from my life. To corrupt your good heart with my bad one would be sinful."
It made her shudder that he felt like that. He was hardly sin free but Jack had been a good man. Corrupted her good heart? It was sweet of him to think of her like that, but he must have been wearing the wrong glasses. Her heart was no better than anyone else's, including his. Besides, she could have risked a bit of corruption. She genuinely hoped that they might have been happy together; would never know now.
"Despite that, I always hoped that you might make a move on me. As your CO, it could never be for me to do that. It was your career, your life. How could I ever have been good enough for you? I was a poor choice; too old, too cynical, too close to burn out. I respected you way too much to allow my feelings to cloud my better judgement.
Ultimately, I would only have been an embarrassment to you, and you would have ended up hating me for it. That would have hurt more than anything - although indifference might have sucked!"
It saddened her all the more that he thought of himself like that, though she was a little pissed at what he said about her making the first move. Didn't he know her at all? She could never have done that. As she considered and started to understand his reasoning, she realised that she was being unfair to him. More than unfair. This letter was proving to be an eye-opening insight into the O'Neill psyche. She thought she knew him fairly well after all these years, but he'd kept so much of himself hidden. He was a difficult man to get to know.
"So you did the right thing by giving me a wide berth and always stopping me from acting on my feelings. The invites to go fishing, for example. We both know that fishing was the last thing that was on my mind; although I could have made myself happy if that was all you had wanted to do. Your refusals always hurt, but that never made it the wrong thing for you to do.
I always wanted to show you the cabin. It's so beautiful there and one of the few places in which I could find some peace. I think you would have loved that peace yourself. I might even have been able to convince you that it was more beautiful than your quarks and naquada generators. Some hope of that!
You won’t know it yet but I have left the cabin jointly to you, Daniel and Teal’c in my will. I want you all to enjoy it there as much as I did. Obviously you can sell it if you wish, it’s yours, but I hope you will all take advantage of the wonderful scenery and tranquillity. It’s a great place to relax, even if you don’t do any fishing! I have been to a lot of places in my life, but none as breathtaking as the lake in Minnesota, and none that I have loved so much.
I like the idea of the three of you there together and taking pleasure in it as I did. It appeals to my sense of completeness. If I couldn’t get you there on my own, maybe the guys can persuade you. I would so much like that you could learn to love it there as I did. I guess tact was never exactly my middle name, and this is an honesty kick so I have to say it. I thought long and hard about doing this because the truth is that I hate the idea of you going there with another man. Selfish, yes, but how can I face you being happy there with someone else when I had always wanted you to be happy there with me? I decided I was being childish so took the bull by the horns and signed on the dotted line. It took all my willpower because of those stupid doubts. I really am a coward, Sam, that I found it so difficult to face that fear. You deserve a good and happy life and are better off without me. "
Oh God, no! She was appalled that Jack thought that. Better off without him? Dumb ass. The whole world was a worse place without him. She was just a small cog in the larger wheel.
Left them the cabin? That was an amazingly generous and thoughtful thing for Jack to do. She understood his misgivings, his reasoning, and promised herself that she would never go there with a lover. It would always remain a place for her and Jack and he would be in her thoughts while she was there. The prospect of going with the guys excited her and lifted her spirits. Jack’s absence, however, would be pretty hard to live with. It was a dilemma she would need to resolve.
She recalled his invitations. She would have liked to have said yes but knew the possible consequences and couldn't bring herself to face them. She had always suspected that he felt the same. He asked only because he knew she'd say no. Maybe she was wrong about that. The implication was here in Jack's own writing. He'd been hurt by her refusals. She imagined what it might have been like to go to the cabin with Jack, which led to further regrets.
"When we first met who would have believed I would feel this way now? The brilliant geek scientist? Go figure! You turned out to be a damned fine soldier too, a good officer, and I was honored and privileged to serve with you. Never forget that because it is not a tribute that Jack O'Neill bestows lightly."
Sam smiled, a thrill running though her. It was high praise indeed coming from Jack.
"I would never have taken you up on that arm wrestling match you wanted. I rather suspect I might have lost and that would have been way too embarrassing. I'm imagining another little grin as you read this."
Laughing softly, she recalled that challenge. She had come on a bit strong that day, too defensive; wanting to be accepted as one of the boys. That was until she had come out the other end of the gate. Recalling the nausea with a wince she thought that her reaction had put an end to her macho pretensions. Jack had been amused, but was never condescending about it.
"You already know that I was attracted to you from the get go. You are a truly stunning woman, so who wouldn't be? I knew you felt it too; we were drawn together like magnets. Attraction is one thing but mutual respect, admiration and love another thing altogether. The attraction I could control. The feelings? They were harder. Those feelings grew over the years and combined into something that I have never really felt before. There's a powerful bond between us that I would hate to see broken."
Oh boy, she thought, he was so right about that.
"I sacrificed something that I wanted very badly to help save us all from a threat that most people can't even imagine. I sacrificed that happiness that I wanted to find with you. Now it's too late. Maybe we would never have been happy. I'd like to have taken a shot at it though."
This was another sentiment with which she wholeheartedly agreed.
"In the parcel there are a couple of things that I want you to have. I hope you like the photo of us. The frame's worth something even if the photo isn't. I'll bet you don't even remember it. We were on P3X ??? (I can never remember, you know that!), and Daniel took it. Do you remember the mission? Daniel had got through a whole thing without mishap for a change. Then, as we came back through the gate, he tripped and fell, giving himself a few cuts, bruises and sprains. He broke his glasses. We all thought it was pretty funny, poor guy. We didn't even know he'd taken the photo but I found him out and swore him to secrecy that I even had a copy. We look happy. It was a long time ago."
Although she had neared the end of the letter she had to open the parcel and look at this photograph. That Jack had a photo of the both of them together totally amazed her. She ripped at the brown paper wrapping and opened the box inside. The photo was in a beautiful silver frame. It was real silver; an antique.
She studied the photo. Jack and she were standing in front of the gate on a planet that looked like most any other; green with lots of trees. They were smiling at each other, totally oblivious of the picture being taken, seemingly unmindful of their surroundings.
Jack was right; they did look happy, and carefree. It had been one of those Colonel / Major moments that they had sometimes. She remembered he had cracked a private joke. This must have been taken just as they had finished laughing and were still in that goofy smiling phase they tended towards.
She was surprised at how intimate they looked. Is that really how they had looked? That was probably why he wanted a copy. The mission had been a long time ago and Jack must have had the photo for ages. She'd ask Daniel about it later.
Sam stared at the photo for a while, caressing Jack's image through the glass with longing, and then put it to one side. Whatever else was in the box could wait; she had to finish the letter.
"I'm not going to spoil it by telling you what else is in the box. You'll just have to open it to see.
I guess I'm nearly done here. What more is there to say? Probably lots more but I'm a poor wordsmith. You would laugh if you knew how many versions of this I wrote before this one. I must have trashed a whole rain forest. Maybe this isn't even the final version, who knows?
If it hasn't helped you, it's helped me a little. I needed to say it and it's almost done. I hope that it's eased you in some small way. Whatever has happened, or not happened between us, I know you care about me deeply in one way or another so will be upset by my passing. I can't say I'm too happy about it either, but I'm not there anymore to regret my death.
I had hoped to spend my twilight years in peace at the cabin, feet up, sitting on the dock fishing and listening to the call of the loons. Sometimes I would picture you there with me, sitting with your head in my lap or bringing us a couple of beers out from the cabin. A forlorn hope. I'm sorry that it will never be.
Reading this back, I guess I’m no Will Shakespeare. I never was much of a romantic. I just hope it doesn't sound like a love letter from some spotty teenager. What I'm really trying to tell you here, Sam, is that I love you. I wish I had the courage to say it to your face, but I don't. So you have to wait until I'm dead to hear it from me. It's that simple. When it comes down to it, I'm a pretty simple man.
I have feelings now that I never thought I would feel again after Charlie died and Sara and I fell apart. For that I will be forever grateful to you. It means a lot to me.
You want to know what I would wish for right now, if I could? That I was there to hold you in my arms and comfort you.
God bless you Sam and have a happy and fulfilled life.
Jack"
Sam was crying like a baby. She had never imagined herself falling apart to quite this extent. Jack you asshole, she thought, if only you knew how much I would like to have heard those three words while you were alive. I had to wait until you were dead?
Although she had never seen the cabin, she imagined them sitting on a dock, her head resting on his knee. It formed a beautiful mental image. He didn't think he was romantic? Shakespeare could have written her a sonnet and she would have been less impressed.
He'd lacked tact in parts, but wasn't that so Jack O'Neill? He hadn't always chosen the right words, sure. Like him, the letter wasn't perfect. It had served to make her feel worse, in some ways, rather than better as he had intended. Her guilt and regret had increased a few notches. Nevertheless, she didn’t think anyone had been more romantic towards her than this. Guys thought that flowers were romantic. Love letters were something that she had totally lacked in her life. This was the love letter to beat all love letters.
Reaching for the photograph she stared at it again for a while then held it to her breast as if it would make her closer to Jack. She remembered that the photograph was not the only thing in the box and reached for it greedily.
There was another photograph, of Jack when younger dressed in full combat gear in the desert, possibly Iraq. She had seen it before in his bedroom during the incident when Jack had been cloned by Loki. He looked so young and handsome, not that he wasn't handsome later on, after she'd met him. She sighed thinking she would need to get a frame for it. This and the picture of the two of them would take pride of place next to her bed.
Next was a small jewellery box which contained a beautiful bracelet of turquoise set in silver. The bracelet was a set of small ovals linked together. She smiled and placed it in her wrist immediately. It was exquisite.
There were a couple of sets of keys that she thought must be for Jack's truck, and a note. She took that out and read it.
'Sam
These are merely tokens of my regard for you and I doubt that anything is worth that much in monetary value. You'll be wondering about the keys. I've arranged for Levinson to transfer ownership of my truck to you if the worst happens. I know how much you love bright shiny speeding objects and hope you enjoy driving it as much as I did. The extra keys are for my Harley Davidson which is in the garage. It's an antique that I haven't ridden in quite a while but you will enjoy fixing it up! I think some people collect these things so maybe it has some value, although I'd love to think that you'll use it."
He had a Harley? He'd never breathed a word about it even though he knew she loved bikes.
"The photo of me when I was younger is a little conceit, but what the heck? The bracelet was my mother's. I hope you like it. It's almost as beautiful as you so should suit you well. More of the O'Neill family jewels can be found in a box at the top of my closet. Please take anything you think you would like; all of it if you want. Who's going to miss it?
I'd like you to have my telescope and all my astronomical equipment and books, if you want them. It seems somehow appropriate for an astrophysicist that never appears to look at the stars much. Now's the time to start, Sam. We travel to them so frequently that it is easy to become blasé, yet they still look beautiful from down here. Just as Earth is still the best looking planet that I have ever seen from space.
I must admit to finding it hard to think of something appropriate to leave for Daniel – he and I do not exactly have a lot in common, despite our friendship. I decided he should have my books, except for the astronomy ones I have left for you. There is some pretty good stuff amongst the dross, and much that he might enjoy. He will be surprised at some of the books I have stashed away, both in Colorado and at the cabin. I would give almost anything to see the expression on his face as he realises that dumb old Jack is not quite as dumb as he always thought. Maybe he already knows. I hope so.
Teal'c gets the Gameboy and all the games! Plus my TV and video, which is much better than the one he has in his quarters. I want him to have my video collection too. He won’t like everything, and I haven’t got any sci-fi, but I’m sure there are some movies that he’ll enjoy. This may seem a little weird but I think he would appreciate my medals. He’s always admired them when he’s been over at my place and somehow I think it fitting that one warrior bequeaths his medals to another. I hope you and Daniel are okay with that.
He can also have my fishing gear! At least he might laugh at the idea, and maybe he would enjoy it if he really gave it a shot. Who knows? Now he no longer has to meditate he might find it relaxing. He never did understand that it isn’t catching the fish that was the important thing about fishing; it’s the act of fishing. Maybe the three of you can go together to the cabin, catch some rays… and fish! It’s one way of getting you there, Sam, and maybe the break together will help you all get over the fact that I’m gone; maybe not."
The idea held an appeal to Sam but she wasn’t sure. Going to the cabin without Jack might be too painful. How could she fail to imagine what it could have been like to be there with him? Once again, her thoughts drifted to what she had missed, conjuring fantasies that it was too late to fulfil.
"If there is anything in my house you'd like to take, feel free. Both Teal'c and Daniel can have whatever else they like too. Don't fight about it though kids!
All this is legal and above board. Levinson knows; he has my instructions and my will. I wanted you to have these things before all that legal crap was sorted out.
Jack"
She smiled at the two pictures. They were worth more to her than anything else, apart from his letter. Jack seemed to be worried about the monetary value, as if that was what was important. She didn't think he meant it like that. Reading between the lines, she thought he was trying to tell her that what he had given her wasn't much and didn't match his feelings. Jack had wanted her to have these things, which made them all important and valuable in her eyes
Having considered all this, she turned again to reread the letter. Then she read it again.
Meanwhile, in her living room Daniel and Teal'c waited patiently. Both of them were broken up about O'Neill. He had been their friend and they had all become close over the years. That kind of thing happens when you constantly work as closely in such a dangerous job. They saved each other's lives on a regular basis and had been through hell and back several times.
Jack was the kind of man that was conspicuous by his absence. He brought a room to life merely with his presence and would be sorely missed. Daniel remembered the very different man that he had met all those years ago. There was a man who had lost his will and given up. The Jack he knew now would never give up, or would have to be in extreme circumstances to do so. He would give his life for his friends willingly but would bitterly regret dying.
Daniel felt Jack's loss keenly. They had disagreed on virtually everything but that didn't mean they weren't friends. He considered Jack a good friend and respected him, despite their differences. They'd had a strange relationship over the years, grudgingly admiring each other but with a healthy disdain. It was Jack he turned to when in dire need.
When given the opportunity to ascend, it was Jack he'd asked to persuade the others to let him go. It had been a lot to ask of his friend but Jack had come through for him. It meant a lot and he knew Jack would have found it hard, to either believe or to do. Letting his friends die was against his better nature. Believing in the unbelievable, that a man might die and then ascend in a different form, was near impossible for Jack
He recalled Jack admitting that he grudgingly admired Daniel, distinctly remembering Jack sitting by his death bed and saying so. Daniel smiled at the memory. So typical of Jack to wait until he was dying to say that, and in such a clumsy way. That was Jack through and through. Jack didn't deal well with openly displaying that sort of thing, or with voicing it Earning Jack's respect was no mean feat. He was a tough nut to crack.
They had never talked about any of that. It was rare that one got to talk to Jack about personal things, or feelings. One could talk to Jack about many subjects but the touchy feely stuff was not generally among them. Jack was a lot more intelligent than he liked to portray himself. Daniel and the rest of his team mates had been frequently surprised by him and he wondered why Jack liked to put on that dumb act.
That Jack didn't like to talk about the way he felt did not mean that he didn't show it sometimes. When they were injured or in trouble he was always visibly upset and concerned about their welfare and he would drop everything to rush to their aid. Many hours of Jack's life had been spent sitting at a beside in the infirmary or pacing like crazy outside while waiting for a prognosis. He recalled Jack hugging him a few times in comfort, or relief that he was safe and well. On those latter occasions the smile on Jack's face would be so wide that it would be hard to see anything else.
Jack compartmentalised things and only opened some of those compartments when totally necessary. Once he opened up the compartment he risked dark thoughts escaping at the same time. It was a little like Pandora's Box. Jack had never wanted to return to that dark place he had found himself in after Charlie's death and Daniel could understand that. He was the only member of the team to have witnessed that bleak period in Jack’s life and wouldn’t wish such a thing on his worst enemy, let alone his friend.
As he was thinking, Daniel felt the tears pricking at the back of his eyes. Teal'c must have noticed something as he felt the man's huge hand grasp his arm in support. Teal'c was nothing if not observant. He said less but saw more than anyone else. Daniel looked up into Teal'c eyes and could see the sadness there too.
"I'm gonna miss him Teal'c." Daniel said at last.
"As will I." Teal'c paused. "O'Neill was a unique individual. I saw something in him that I see in men rarely."
"What?"
"I am not sure that I can describe it DanielJackson. It is that which made me help you all of those many years ago on Chulak."
"Hey, I know what you mean, Teal'c. Jack was pretty indescribable." He smiled at Teal'c who returned the smile and inclined his head in Teal'c like fashion.
The two of them sat once more in companionable silence, pretending to watch basketball on the TV, all the while thinking of the friend they mutually mourned. Teal'c pondered what he had just said to Daniel, trying to identify that spark in O'Neill that had prompted him to betray Apophis and leave his family.
Before that fateful day he had thought long and hard for many years about how he might become free and help to free his people, never truly believing that it was possible. The best he could do was to minimise the impact of Apophis' cruel whim. It wasn't that he feared martyrdom for his cause but he knew that staying to fight from within was far more effective. He had subtly managed to save many lives over the years, unbeknown to the Goa'uld that proclaimed himself an all knowing god.
O'Neill and SG-1's arrival on Chulak had changed everything. As a result he had both lost and gained much. Lost his wife, son, home, status and the respect of his Jaffa peers; gained friendship like he had never before encountered. At least he had found his son once more, although they saw each other little. The friendship and respect of his team mates was something that Teal'c treasured. He would sorely miss the friendship of O'Neill. What it lacked in words it made up for in the ferocity of O'Neill's unwavering support and loyalty and Teal'c had returned those things in abundance. Neither of them had needed to say it; they both felt it.
Teal'c still did not truly comprehend how he had known that O'Neill was the one. They had barely spoken when they met but he had still known. There was something about O'Neill's bearing and behaviour that had attracted Teal'c's attention. Had Teal'c been a faithful servant to his god, O'Neill may not have survived very long at Teal'c's hands. As First Prime of Apophis, Teal'c might have seriously considered ridding his master of such a perilous threat. He had understood immediately that here was a dangerous enemy, and a powerful ally.
The Tauri often used the expression 'I can't put my finger on it' and Teal'c thought this perfectly described why he'd felt O'Neill was the one. The why was not important. What was important to Teal'c was that he had followed his feelings and had been right to do so. O'Neill had been his friend and he had respected him greatly. He had quickly grown to understand Teal'c and comprehend their similarities and differences and had supported Teal'c through everything, good and bad.
O'Neill was a sad loss to the Tauri and to his friends. Teal'c pondered the reaction of his team mates and knew he must be there for both of them, traumatised in their own different ways by O'Neill's death. He would not let them, or O'Neill, down. O'Neill would never have permitted such a thing and neither would Teal'c.
"Do you think Sam will replace Jack as team leader Teal'c?" Daniel asked, interrupting his thoughts.
"I know not, DanielJackson, but would be pleased if it were so."
"You would follow her lead as you have Jack's? There was always something special between you and Jack. At least that's the way it seemed to me." Teal'c smiled.
"Indeed." Teal'c's sorrowful tone added weight to the word, conveying its meaning clearly, "but I admire MajorCarter and believe she will lead the team well, with our help."
"Our help?"
"Did we not help O'Neill? Is that not the nature of a team? The small parts contribute to the whole?" Daniel laughed at this. How true. It was so typical of Teal'c to see it that way.
"I'd hardly call you a small part Teal'c," he teased, "but yes, we worked well together. Jack was at the heart, though. It's difficult to imagine going out there without him."
"It will not be the first time we will have been without his leadership, DanielJackson."
"Yeah, but I'm kind of dreading that first time when we go on a mission knowing he will never be there with us again. That sucks, as Jack might so eloquently have put it." Once again Teal'c smiled.
"MajorCarter will need our guidance and support DanielJackson."
"And she'll get it Teal'c. Lots of it."
Teal'c nodded. They had an agreement. They would do everything in their power to assist and sustain Sam, starting by helping her deal with O'Neill's loss. Both men had wondered whether she might resign, unable to cope with the blow. They knew well how she felt about Jack, even if she had seemed to lose the thread for a while. That betrayal, which is probably how she would see it, would only serve to make her guilt a greater burden.
Each team member had felt similarly. Should they carry on without him? He would want them to, and this gave them heart and the will to continue. They couldn't let O'Neill down. Sam would come to believe this too, even if she didn't do so now.
When Sam finally made an appearance she looked distraught. Her eyes were red and puffy. They stood up simultaneously, moving towards her, and she reached her arms out to both of them. The three stood in a hug of mutual comfort and Sam's tears fell again. Only Teal'c had ever witnessed her openly crying before and Daniel was surprised she was letting them see that.
Daniel had shed a tear or two, making a complete ass of himself at Jack's memorial service earlier. He didn't care what people thought of him. Many people, particularly in the armed forces, seemed to frown upon such an open display of feelings. Let them frown. Screw them all! His friend was dead and he should be able to grieve as he needed.
He was pleased that Sam was able to let herself cry. He had imagined her bottling up her feelings like Jack did. It would have been the worst thing that she could have done. Crying served a purpose. In this case it was part of the mourning process and helped heal one's wounds.
In memory of Jack they ordered a take out Chinese and Sam and Daniel drank his favourite beer with it. Sam showed Daniel the photograph of the two of them that Jack had left for her and he remembered it well. It had cracked him up that Jack had found it and asked for a copy. Initially he had blustered his way through it with the usual O'Neill bravado.
When Daniel had teasingly feigned reluctance to give him a copy, Jack had turned into schoolboy mode, almost appearing to turn his toes inward, a pleading look in his eyes. Daniel had relented, unable to tease his friend further. What he had thought of as Jack's crush had amused him hugely. Of course he'd been totally wrong about the crush; Jack's feelings had run a whole hell of a lot deeper than that, but Daniel had not realised it back then. It was a long time ago.
When he told Sam about that occasion he could see that it warmed her, providing a happy moment to mingle with the sorrow. They all recalled the mission. It had been uneventful but Jack had been in particularly good humour, even in the face of soil samples, and the banter had been relaxed and entertaining.
"Jack used to keep that photo in his bedside drawer Sam; not in that frame though. I found it by accident when I stayed over one night and was looking for something he'd said was in there." Daniel chuckled at the memory. "I think he remembered too late that he kept it there and came running in to stop me looking. Boy, was he red-faced, and it's not often you saw Jack like that."
As he spoke he held Sam's hand, fondling it absently, needing succour as much as she did.
"So very Jack to hide something like that; ensure no one would know." Whispered Sam, touched by the whole concept. She thought he must have got it copied for her, certain that his original would still be safely tucked away.
"I'll bet he took it out each night and kissed it." Joked Daniel and they all laughed.
"Did he talk to you about it?" She asked curiously.
"Is that a joke? Because I can never tell. Can you tell T?" Daniel said, straight faced and doing a near perfect impersonation of Jack. Sam laughed again and it cheered Daniel to see it, however brief the respite.
"Um… guys?" Sam ventured reticently a little later on. They were all ears. "Would you mind staying here the night?" Sam hated to show weakness, but didn't want to be alone. Not tonight.
"Sure Sam. We've got some stuff in the car."
It gave her solace to know that they had come prepared, just in case she needed them. To have such friends was a wonderful thing. With many long silences in between, they reminisced into the night. Sam told them about the cabin and they discussed what they should so, when they should go. All of them felt sorrow at the idea of going there without Jack, not sure they could face it. Not yet; their emotions were still too raw.
Having settled the boys in, Sam got into bed at last, placing the letter and two photographs on her nightstand. She stared at the photographs for a while thinking that Jack O'Neill had been a very handsome man. Vowing to buy a frame for the picture of the younger Jack the following day, she settled down to read the letter again.
"You changed me for the better. All of you did - my team. I am so proud of you Sam; you and the others." She was honored by those words, and that she'd enhanced his life. How could people who worked so closely together fail to influence each other? That Jack believed it had been for the better meant a lot to her.
"They say that we regret not the things that we did, but the things we didn't do." Spot on, Jack, she thought. Right now she regretted too many things that she hadn't done; never truly confessing her love; never telling him he was more important to her than Pete ever was or could have been; never making love to him; never making that move on him that he had so desperately wanted.
"Maybe you don't feel like that anymore, who knows?" Jack appeared such a self assured person and only occasionally did he let that façade slip. It bothered her that what he had written in this letter demonstrated his low opinion of himself so clearly. Or maybe it wasn't a low opinion, just self effacing and humble, but she knew that the O'Neill mask had concealed a lot of the real him; perhaps more than she had ever imagined. He took great pains to hide things about himself, or to avoid them.
She scanned the letter. "A pretty simple man", that's what he'd said. Who are you trying to kid Jack O'Neill? Now she would never get to know that O'Neill, something she would very much like to have done, persuading him to reveal himself to her piece by glorious piece. What if she hadn't liked what she saw as she peeled away the layers? That was the risk of any relationship and she had been too scared to take it.
Wasn't it the Dalai Lama who had said that great love and great achievements involve great risk? She'd been willing to risk all for great achievements but nothing for love. That made her a pathetic individual, too scared of her own feelings to act on them. Jack had called himself a coward because he couldn't face his fear of rejection; at least that was the way she read it. She was his equal with her own cowardice.
Didn't the Dalai Lama also say something about when you lose you shouldn't lose the lesson? She would need to think long and hard about exactly what lesson she should be learning. It was too late for her and Jack. She had cheated herself by leaving it too late; cheated them both.
"Whatever has happened, or not happened between us, I know you care about me deeply in one way or another so will be upset by my passing." At least he had realised that she sincerely cared about him and wasn't totally ignorant of her feelings. It was a small comfort in the midst of her internal chaos.
"It's helped me a little." It intrigued Sam that writing the letter had allowed him to express those things he had kept well hidden, and had been therapeutic. Maybe it could be the same for her. She resolved to settle down tomorrow and write her own letter to Jack, albeit that he would never read it. Getting things off her chest seemed like a positive choice to make. She desperately needed to do something positive, however hard it might be.
The road to recovery from the recent trauma might be slow going but she had to start walking down it. Self pity was not going to get her very far although revelling in it had its own perverse compensations. She had to empower herself, make herself fit to carry on Jack's work. He would not wish for any of them to give up. The threat to his beloved Earth was still out there. It was the one thing that he had loved above her, that he had sacrificed everything for, and was something worth defending. Jack had worked his ass off for it, had died for it, and she would too if necessary. She couldn't let him down.
All three of his team mates were devastated but they had to stick together and be there for each other. So she also resolved to ensure that this happened. No more skulking in corners crying piteously and shutting the others out. She would bring them even further into her life; support and defend them until the end.
"I love you." Three simple words which were of prime importance. She regretted that she had never heard them from his lips but would settle for them being written by his hand. Had she always known it deep down, been afraid to confront or admit it? Acknowledging it would have meant her facing her own fears and feelings, fears and feelings she now had to meet head on or all would be lost. I love you too, Jack O'Neill, she thought.
She could feel her eyes getting heavy, her eyelids drooping. Time to sleep Sam, she told herself, time to start healing yourself. As she thought that she realised that Jack's letter had helped, just as he had hoped it would. Today had been quite a day, but tomorrow was a fresh start. Putting the letter down carefully on her nightstand she turned to switch off the light. Seeing the picture of them together she smiled to herself. Sweet dreams, Sam, sweet dreams Jack, wherever you are.
Sam awoke to the sounds of activity and the smell of fresh coffee emanating from her kitchen. The guys, or certainly Daniel, were up. Getting ready she went downstairs to join them. She paused in the kitchen doorway to watch her friends. Daniel was whipping up a mixture of some kind in one of her bowls while Teal'c stood nearby setting cutlery and plates on a tray.
"Morning guys." She said and both jumped slightly, turning to face her.
"Oh! Sam!" Explained Daniel, "um, we were going to bring you breakfast in bed." He looked like a schoolboy who had been caught at playing a prank. Sam smiled broadly.
"That's a lovely thought. I'm here now and I'd love us to eat breakfast together." She walked over to them and squeezed an arm of each simultaneously, then leaned to kiss them both on a cheek. They both returned her smile, happy to see her looking so much better; perkier and like the real Sam.
"How you feeling Sam?" Daniel asked and he saw a glimmer of sadness in her eyes.
"I'll be ok, Daniel."
""Don't you dare do a Jack O'Neill on us Sam. You don't have to pretend with us. We're all hurting."
"I didn't say I wasn't hurting, just that I'll be ok." Daniel nodded his understanding and exchanged a look with Teal'c whose faint smile told him that he, too, understood. Sam was fighting back. They were both relieved.
"Alright." He responded, accepting her word. "Pancakes?"
"You make pancakes?"
"Sure. Who doesn’t make pancakes?" Sam raised her eyebrows at him as if to say, well me actually. "I could teach you how Sam." She laughed and helped herself from the large mug of coffee Daniel had made, sitting down at the table.
"I'd love some pancakes Daniel. Lots of them. I'm hungry." Daniel beamed delightedly. "Can I help?" He shook his head.
"No. You're queen for the day." He replied and she responded with another titter.
Teal'c picked up the tray and carried it over to the table, placing her things in front of her, and then he sat down.
"How are you feeling Daniel?" She asked.
"I guess I'll be ok too." He replied and she nodded.
"Teal'c?" She looked carefully into the Jaffa's eyes but he could be difficult to read.
"As will I, MajorCarter." She grasped his arm in a comforting gesture and he bowed an acknowledgement.
"Good," she said, "because I need both of you."
It felt nice the three of them here together. It was a time of crises, but they would get through it. Daniel made the pancakes and they ate in companionable silence.
"MajorCarter," Said Teal'c, breaking the silence, "DanielJackson and I would like to accompany you to the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo today." Sam looked quizzical and Daniel shrugged.
"Apparently it's the highest zoo in the country. Teal'c saw it on TV." He explained
"It is located nearby and yet we have never visited." Offered Teal'c.
The zoo? That sounded like good therapy, something to salve the soul. The zoo, with two close friends. Jack probably would have appreciated that.
"Ok, guys," Sam agreed, "Can we go later on? I have an important letter to write this morning."
/The End/
Story Notes: Spoilers: Stargate: The Movie, COTG, Fragile Balance
Season: AU, Future
Sequel/Series Info: None
Content Warnings: Major character death
Copyright © 2004 Su Freund
Author’s Note: Many thanks to my wonderful beta, Bonnie, and her forever helpful comments and corrections. All remaining errors are entirely my own. This fic can be found on my website complete with two wonderful S&J artworks by Fulinn28 and Thalassa at:
http://www.ficwithfins.com/su%20fics/Ship/NLHD/bookcover.htm
Feedback from my site suggests I should tissue a tissue warning with this fic.
Season: AU, Future
Sequel/Series Info: None
Content Warnings: Major character death
Copyright © 2004 Su Freund
Author’s Note: Many thanks to my wonderful beta, Bonnie, and her forever helpful comments and corrections. All remaining errors are entirely my own. This fic can be found on my website complete with two wonderful S&J artworks by Fulinn28 and Thalassa at:
http://www.ficwithfins.com/su%20fics/Ship/NLHD/bookcover.htm
Feedback from my site suggests I should tissue a tissue warning with this fic.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]