samandjack.net

Story Notes: Spoilers: Fallen, D&C

Author's notes: This is a very odd fic….not sure what I think of it yet. But, if you don't get it….e-mail me.

Feedback: Hell yeah! Don't make me beg, hit reply and stroke my ego please.

Dedication: As always, for LEW. DJ, Don't push me woman! Trish, Write that damn fic! And Charlie, keep with it girl.

Date: 1-12-03

Copyright © to Venom, 2003


***

Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till we're one.

***

Dear Jack,

You died on a Thursday, in my arms.

Your blood still stains my uniform, and I can't bring myself to wash it. I know that I will, one day, but not today.

I should be thanking you for saving me, and giving up your life in the process, but I can't bring myself to do that yet. Not today.

I left the Air Force. I know that you would've wanted me to stay, but I couldn't. There was a part of me missing, and I didn't know what it was until I went to your house to pack up your things to be donated to charity, as was decreed in your will. We didn't give everything away though.

I'm sorry, but I couldn't. I know that it was selfish, but there were some things that I wanted to keep for myself. I kept your bed, your pillow, your hockey Jersey…..It still smells like you.

It makes me cry.

General Hammond offered me a position at the base as a civilian. I don't think I want to be there anymore. Not without you. How can I go through the Stargate knowing what it did to you? Knowing that it took you from my life. Daniel and Teal'c miss you as much as I do.

Teal'c is going to organize time to come here and perform the proper rituals that they do when a warrior dies. He says that he is going to perform the complete twenty-four hour ritual that is reserved for the masters. He says that you deserve it.

I think you deserve to be alive.

We buried you next to Charlie. You never mentioned it, but I know that's what you would've wanted. As promised, I also buried your favorite hockey stick with you.

I met Sara too. She's really nice, she came to your funeral, gave a eulogy. It's was beautiful, the things she said about you. I think you would've liked it.

I'm sorry that this letter is all over the place, but Mackenzie (I know, I can't believe I spoke to him either!) Said I should write down what I'm thinking and my thoughts are all over the place.

I just….I can't believe you're gone.

I can't believe that you left me, after all of these years.

We never had the chance Jack, we never had the chance to be happy. We always put it off, said it was never the right time, that we'd wait until after the war. The war isn't going to end anytime soon, and I'm left here, without you.

How could you do this to me? How could you leave me? After everything that we've been through, everything that we were going to do? How could you?

Damn you Jack.

I love you so much that it hurts and all I do is cry, but I hate you so much for leaving me like this. I'm a mess without you. I need you, damnit. It's my fault that we were never together, I was always the one to back off, wasn't I? I've never had regrets in my life Jack.

I do now.

This letter can't go on forever Jack, and my eyes are filled with tears, making it hard to see the words. I just wanted you to know that I loved you, I will always love you. But it wasn't enough to save you from the Goa'uld.

This probably isn't what you want to hear, but I met someone. His name's Jim….I care him. A lot more than I'm supposed to. I think we'll be happy together.

We're keeping our relationship a secret, there are certain people that we want to avoid, for obvious reasons. I'm going to disappear for a while, go somewhere and get my head together before I try and move on. Jim's coming with me.

He and I are talking about kids…..how would you feel if I named a boy after you? I hope that you don't mind, because that's what I plan to do. Jim's okay with it. He's good like that. And he loves me.

There will always be a place for you in my heart Jack. I want you to remember that.

Love, Sam.

***

Wiping the salty tears from her eyes, Sam sealed the letter in an envelope. Scrawled `Jack' on the front and placed it next to the flowers Janet and Cassie had left.

Brushing the dirt off her knees, she rose slowly to her feet, bending over to kiss the headstone once before walking away from the grave of her Commanding officer.

"You have to let him go." The voice startled her, even though she knew that he'd been waiting behind the Mausoleum for her.

She nodded, stepping into the shadows to step into his embrace. "I know."

"Did you say what you needed to?"

Sam snuggled against him, drawing from his warmth. "I think so."

He tightened his hold on her. "It's hard, isn't it?"

"What?" She murmured, content in his comforting embrace.

"Saying goodbye to Jack O'Neill forever."

"It's harder than I thought it would be." She admitted quietly.

"I'm sorry that it came to this Carter…..Sam. I really am."

"I wouldn't let Kinsey take you away from me, Ja……Jim." She replied, pulling back to smile at him. "Not today."

***

End




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