This was supposed to be a team thing. One of those pain in the miktah assignments that came with being the flagship unit, coupled with the fact that SG Diplomatic had better things to do than go through a long, boring, "signing of the treaty ceremony". Extremely long and painfully boring.
Knowing he wouldn't be the only one to suffer had promised to get him through that day, until their new allies sent a strict set of protocol rules, including formal dress requirement and a seating chart indicating exactly two seats for Earth representatives. Always the optimist, he'd actually thought he would get out of it in the blink of an eye. Jonas was perfect for the job and Teal'c would fill in the other spot. He should have known better--he was NEVER that lucky.
The irony of sending the alien half of his team as Earth ambassadors was completely lost on General Hammond and the two had weaseled their way out of it as quickly as they could. Which is why he was standing next to Carter in a sumptuous palace, making nice in front of the Simerian ambassador. Once the lip service and the bowing of heads had been done with, they were left to wait for an official to guide them through the "procedures".
"That wasn't so bad, was it? ...Sir?"
"I don't understand why we can't just give them our autograph, bow our heads and go home."
"Hockey game tonight?"
Damn! Was he that easy to read?
"Major Carter and Colonel... O'Neill?" a nasal voice called.
They turned towards its owner, a dark, haughty little man, followed by a younger, taller one, and replied in unison:
"Yes!"
"Which one is which?"
"I'm Colonel Jack O'Neill, this is Major Samantha Carter."
"You must be..."
"The man on whose shoulders lies the success of this entire affair," he said modestly. "Chamberlain Desius. There is no time for idle chatter. Walk!"
Jack was interrupted from counting the earrings adorning the younger man's ears.
"I'm sorry... What?!?"
"Have you not read the manual sent to your Commander?"
"Oh, yeah... A real page turner. Couldn't put it down for a moment. However, I don't remember anything about modeling for you guys."
Desius didn't flinch.
"Perhaps your memory is failing you. Allow me to remind you that you are supposed to walk through Victory Square in front of thousands of spectators, climb the stairs to the Assembly Hall and take your seats among the Allied Ambassadors. I must see you walking. So... walk!"
Jack glanced at Carter and they started to pace in front of the affected little man and his assistant.
"Enough," he announced in that forever flat, annoying tone of voice. "You must maintain a steady pace, face forwards at all times and hold hands as a sign of unity." Then he proceeded to ignore them, as if his scribe and the notepad he was holding were the only things of consequence in the room. "Their matching heights and rhythms are an asset and her unique coloring will no doubt cause quite a stir. See that they change into an appropriate attire."
"OK, that's enough, Calvin Klein!" Jack snapped. "If these are good enough for the Air Force, they'll have to work for you too."
The Chamberlain's small gray eyes pierced through him and Sam realized that, unless the Colonel became more cooperative, they would soon come to face the wrath of Dasius. All 5' 2" of it.
"What the Colonel means is that these uniforms are a symbol and... they would be appropriate for a ceremony."
"My dear," said Desius undeterred, "this Alliance has had three hundred years of elegant, glamorous ceremonies. Every year, the Representatives of fourteen planets attend this diplomatic reunion with one purpose and one purpose only: to show off. And I will not have every gossip in the solar system tear me apart, come tomorrow morning, because I've wiped my feet on three centuries of good taste at the court of Simeria. You *will* wear proper ceremonial gowns and look *spectacular* for the masses, and I will have once more complied with my duties."
Sam was just as inclined to smash his face as she knew the Colonel was but the little bundle of arrogance made sense. If he was in any way content, having just got his way, he must have been gloating on the inside.
"Major, Kostel will take you to your dressing room. Colonel... you come with me.
Jack frowned, sighed then frowned some more.
"Fashion freak," he muttered and grudgingly followed Desius.
"Yell if you need anything, Sir!"
"A zat would be nice."
~o0o~
At first, Sam had been very unimpressed with wearing something long, red and flowy but, once everything came into place, she had to admit she could understand Desius' point about elegance. Her gown was a rather successful cross between a judge's robe and a Japanese Kimono, made out of something similar to silk and very easy to move in. She was more than a little curious about the Colonel's outfit and, judging by what little she'd seen of male fashion on Simeria and by his loud vociferation coming from across the hall, he was not a happy camper.
"I am NOT wearing a dress!"
"It is not a dress. It is a ceremonial gown. Please do not step on it, they do not pay me enough as it is."
"Your Colonel is not very adept at taking orders, is he?" Kostel was stating the obvious.
"He's more used to giving them."
The two men's voices resonated louder as they got closer and the Colonel's stubbornness was getting to Desius.
"Have you *no* poise at all?! No shred of elegance?"
"Oh, I've been told I do a pretty elegant back kick. Wanna see?"
Jack finally stormed into the hallway, cursing through his teeth. She was a little disappointed to see the Simerians did not discriminate when it came to ceremonial gowns. His was different only in color. But... God, he looked hot in black! *Spectacular*!
"I'll spare you the silent communication thing you do," the Chamberlain rolled his eyes. "It gives me a headache." He grabbed her hand and placed it in Jack's. "He thinks you look stunning in red. His brain is not capable of much else at the moment."
His head snapped back towards the Colonel:
"This is one of those moments when she cannot make up her mind whether you are being obnoxious or adorable. Oh, wait... I think she has just settled on adorable. You lucky bastard. Now, MOVE!"
It had taken him only twenty seconds and a breath of air to spurt out all that. The man was a force to be reckoned with.
This diplomacy thing wasn't half bad, Jack thought as they slowly walked through the impressive Victory Square. Sure, he could have been holding Jonas' hand or parade next to Teal'c in a silky red robe. But he wasn't. And the feeling of holding that soft hand was so addictive that the long road to the Alliance Hall didn't seem that long at all.
"Hey, Carter," he whispered, as they reached the base of the massive stairway. "Do we have a silent communication thing?"
She didnt' *say* anything, of course. Just smiled and her smile said it all.
~o0o~
"...plus three younger wives. That's an excellent deal, just ask Jonas."
Jack stepped through the event horizon in the middle of a conversation they'd started several million miles away.
"I still can't believe you even accepted to bargain with him."
"Again, as Jonas pointed out several times during our last visit to 485, refusing to negotiate with these people is an insult. Worse than pulling on those funky earrings some of them wear. Big diplomatic no-no."
General Hammond and Jonas, their welcoming committee, were gawking at the two officers in such unusual outfits.
"All went well, I presume."
"Yes, Sir." Sam smiled. "A true diplomatic victory."
"We're officially amigos now," Jack added, arranging his large sleeves.
"Yes, I see they've let you keep the dresses," quipped Jonas, bracing himself for the comeback. But the Colonel was obviously in a good mood.
"See, a less secure guy would take a swing at you for that one. But, since this is me we're talking about, I'll just let you know this isn't a dress. It's a ceremonial gown and it's very comfortable. I think I'll keep it. In fact, Sir... I think I'll wear it to that joint briefing with SG3 we had planned. Loosen them up a little."
The General's response was prompt.
"Great idea, Colonel! I hope you don't mind if we invite Dr.McKenzie to join us."
Good thing their CO had a sense of humor.
"What happened to your dress blues?" Jonas inquired.
"Confiscated by the fashion Police," Sam smiled, realizing she'd remember Desius with a strange fondness.
"Yeah, I imagine their "Vanity Fair" is tearing them apart as we speak." Jack's memory of the man was less endearing.
"All right, people. Debriefing's in one hour. We'll let you change. And yes, Colonel," Hammond anticipated his question, "you really have to."
As they walked to the locker rooms, Sam remembered something she'd been meaning to ask ever since they'd left 485 but she'd been both too pissed off and too tired to bother.
"Sir... how did you get out of the bargain?"
"Easy. Told him you're priceless." he stated matter-of-factly.
Of course, first he'd asked if, besides being young, beautiful and many, his new wives could build a naquaddah reactor, play chess, pick locks, kick butt and ride a Harley--all skills which had made getting the rich Simerian off his back a lot easier. But the look on her face right now... Yep, diplomacy was definitely not bad.
The End.
Story Notes: SPOILERS: set in season 6. (I'm going through Jonas withdrawal)
A/N: to Sally Murphy. She knows why.
FEEDBACK: much needed.
A/N: to Sally Murphy. She knows why.
FEEDBACK: much needed.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]