samandjack.net



The house is dark. I like it that way. I want it that way. How else can it be without her light to guide me.

I'm alone.

This is my fault. All my fault. If I hadn't have loved her so much then he wouldn't have gone to her that day. Then I wouldn't have killed her. He wouldn't have....no it was me. It was always me.

It's all so damn confusing.

Her father came to speak to me after the funeral. He said he was sorry. He was sorry that things hadn't worked out differently between her and I. If they had I would have been with her at the end, not just the recipient of a cold phone message. We should have been together. She should have died in my arms while we whispered words of love. That's the way it's supposed to end, isn't it? It may not have been happy, but it wouldn't have been right.

She never became attached to anyone else. That alone makes me feel cold. I was her only love and how did I repay her? I might as well have pulled the trigger. It would have been quicker. She died a slow, cold empty death. Somehow I always thought that she deserved more. What did she have at the end? Nothing. She didn't even have me. Maybe she was waiting for me to come to my senses. I didn't do it. Now all I can think about is touching her, kissing her.....making love. Never just sex, not with her. I haven't been exactly celibate. There's been other women. A series of one night stands, a couple of encounters on other planets....but no one like her.

I go up to the roof to look at the stars. It's the one place where I can feel close to Charlie and I might get just that little bit closer to her too.

"Look after her, Charlie," I tell my son. He'll do it. He's a good boy, always does what his dad tells him.

Neighbours probably think that I'm insane. Standin' out here talkin' to the sky....an' I'm not even drunk. Not by choice. Someone removed the alcohol from the house...and took my car keys. I've a pretty good idea who it was. They've been keeping a close eye on me. For some reason Daniel thinks I might get suicidal. He probably has good cause. After all, he's the only one who knew what I was like after Charlie's death. Don't get me wrong, the rest of the team have been great. I like to believe that they can share my grief. One of them will probably turn up at any minute....

A car turns into the drive. Right on time. Just make sure the colonel hasn't gone nuts, then go out for pizza. I've never been one for talking and none of them even try. They know enough to leave me alone.

God I loved her. I loved her so much, why didn't I....?

There's footsteps. Someone knocks at the door. I don't say anything. If they want me, they know where they can find me. Sure enough, someone climbs the ladder.

"Colonel?"

Shoulda known. I ignore the voice. I really don't want to talk.

"Sir? You up there?"

I just wish that someone, apart from Daniel, would call me Jack. The military isn't all I am. It was at one time, but not now. Travelling to other worlds kinda expands your horizons.

My visitor climbs onto the roof. I turn.

"Chilly up here."

"Yes."

"Perhaps we could go inside.....?"

"No."

I want to see the sun rise. I want to know that dawn will still come now that she's not here to share it. My visitor seems to consider that for a moment. Then she turns away and climbs back down the ladder. I watch her go. Her blonde hair is the only thing I see. I feel an inexplicable sense of loss. Of all my friends, I thought she understood me best. Daniel may think he does, but he lost his wife in very unusual circumstances. She didn't die of cancer after being exposed to excessive doses of alien radiation by a degenerating double of her husband. It didn't take years. Sha're was gone in a instant, even if her body lived on. Sara had a long, lingering, painful death....and she didn't tell me. That's what hurt most of all. I could have done something. The Tokra would have helped me. I'd have made them. She didn't have to die goddammit. She didn't have to die.

"Sir?" Sam again.

She came back.

I didn't even hear her climb the ladder. She's managed to drag up two pizza boxes, some beer and the quilt from my bed. Carter's a strong girl and she knows my habits far too well. Sometimes I think that she can read my mind. Comes from serving together so long, I guess.

"Thought that we might as well be comfortable," she adds.

Won't be the first night we've spent under the stars. She opens the beers and hands me a slice of pizza. I'm glad she's here. Somehow, having Sam around always makes me feel better. She's the only one left who laughs at my jokes. We climb under the quilt, huddling together against the night chill. With anyone else this would feel wrong, but not Sam. She's different. In a weird sort of way......if it hadn't been for the military thing....

Her touch is gentle. Like a butterfly's wing. She's waking me up. I didn't mean to sleep. I mean I haven't really slept since Sara passed away. Guess my body finally woreout.

"Sir.....sir....the sun's coming up," she tells me. I can just about make out Sam's face as she bends over me. She smiles as I finally stir. That smile. She's beautiful when she smiles. I wonder if anyone's ever told her that? I turn to the east. Venus is bright and there's a glow on the horizon. I sit up and we greet the dawn.

"For Sara," I say, quietly. "For Charlie."

"Mom," Sam adds as the sun slips over the horizon.

The word is spoken with reverent sadness. I look at her before repeating, "Mom."

I call Jacob, Dad, so it's only fair, right?

The sunrise is breathtaking. It kinda reminds me of Sara, Charlie, Sam.....all the people I've ever loved. Day breaks. Life goes on, even if I wish it didn't.

Sara? You understand, don't you? I love you Sara. I love you, even if you aren't here anymore. In some ways I envy you. At least you're with Charlie. I think it'll be a while before I see him again. I'm scared sometimes, that maybe I won't recognise him. Now you'll be there to point him out to me. At times like this I have to believe. It's the only way to stop me goin' nuts.

Safe my Major's arms I let myself cry. It isn't much, just a few tears, enough to prove that I'm still human. She doesn't comment. That's one of the thing I like about Sam. She knows when to talk and when not to. I know she won't mention this to anyone else.

With unspoken agreement we know that it's time to go inside and spend what's left of the night in relative comfort. I strip down to my shorts and give her one of my old T-shirts to sleep in. Then we climb into my bed. Her arms go about my waist, her head rests on my shoulder. She's just here to comfort me. There's no other reason. Is there? Couldn't be? What would someone like her see in an old soldier like me?



THE END




You must login (register) to review.