Sam woke up in the infirmary. Daniel was by her bed. He grinned and said, "hey."
Sam replied, "hey."
Daniel turned and shouted, "Janet, she's awake." As he was saying it, Janet and Teal'c both ran into the room from different directions.
Sam gave them a small smile, but was still wiped out. As she looked around the room, she realized their was someone missing. A small crease crossed her brow.
Janet took her hand and said, "What is it, Sam? Are you in pain?"
Sam lightly squeezed her hand and shook her head. "No, no pain. Just tired. I've never felt like this before."
Janet replied, "I'm not surprised. For all practical purposes, first you had a stroke and then you were, well, you were dead, Sam. I was about to pull the plug when they found your consciousness." Janet had tears in her eyes. She still couldn't believe what she had almost done to her best friend.
Sam didn't have much strength, but she squeezed Janet's hand tighter and said, "Janet, you were doing what I had requested." She shook her had as she tried to remember the events. "What happened, why did you think I was dea..?" Sam's voice trailed off and they saw the realization on her face. She pushed herself up slightly and said, "Where's the Colonel?"
Janet explained, "The Colonel was here until about an hour ago. He never left your side. Then when he realized you were about to wake up, he went to the General and was given a three day pass. He just left the base.
Sam fell back against the bed with her eyes closed in pain. Jack had hit her with the Zat twice. They thought she was going to die, and he had pulled the trigger. The irony of this. It wasn't that long ago that I was the one that was responsible for Martouf's death. I knew he wanted me to kill him, to give the Tok'ra a chance to study his brain instead of him killing himself and destroying the evidence. It didn't stop the guilt. Jolinar had loved Martouf. Sam had liked Martouf, but she loved the Colonel. The Colonel loved her, and he was the one to pull the trigger.
They were all shocked when Teal'c walked closer to the bed and took Sam's other hand. "We are all very thankful that you will recover. I agreed with O'Neill's decision. We will not forget that we might have been responsible for your death quickly. O'Neill may never be the same."
Sam had tears in her eyes as she squeezed Teal'c's hand.
Daniel had come to stand by the bed and put his hand on Sam's shoulder. "He really is taking this hard, Sam."
Sam nodded, "I know. It hasn't been that long since I was the one to kill Martouf. It was the worst nightmare of my life. I had all of you to give me support. The Colonel will not allow us to help him." Sam suddenly sat up, too quickly and threw her legs over the side of the bed. She was about to stand up when Janet pushed her back.
"What do you think you are doing?" Janet asked.
"I have to get out of here, Janet. I have to go, now!" Sam implored.
Janet had an understanding expression on her faced as she shook her head no. "I know, honey, but you are in no shape to leave here. You won't be for several days."
Sam started to get up again, but this time they all restrained her. Teal'c stated, "Major Carter, you will not help the Colonel if you make yourself worse."
The words touched Sam's heart and she gave up the idea of leaving, but asked Janet, "Would you at least give me a phone and a few minutes alone?"
Janet reluctantly agreed. After she brought Sam the phone she ushered the men into her office. They watched through the glass, knowing that Sam was calling the Colonel.
The answering machine answered. Sam uttered an oath while waiting for the beep. "Sir, I, uh, I just needed to talk to you, sir. Would you please call? Janet won't let me out of here, but I need to talk to you, sir, *please*," Sam begged into the answering machine.
The Colonel had just gotten home. He was angry when the phone rang. Wouldn't they leave him alone for five minutes? He went to get a beer and heard the weak voice begging him to talk to her. He sank into the couch and replayed the message over and over again. There were tears streaming down his cheeks. How could he ever face her again? He had "killed her" for God's sake. How could she ever trust him again? How could they work together as a team. How could he have killed his whole world? He had thought nothing could have caused him as much pain as Charlie's death. Sam had given him life, and he had repaid her by taking hers.
Sam called again, a half hour later, "*Please*, sir, pick up the phone. I *need* to talk to you. If you won't pick up the phone, will you come back to the base? We need to talk, sir."
Jack was still sitting on the couch with tears streaming down his face. He couldn't face her. He couldn't talk to her. She would be better off without him. He finally opened the beer. He took a swig, but it was sickeningly warm at that point. He threw the beer at the fireplace.
Fifteen minutes later the phone rang it again. This time he picked the phone up and threw it. Sam heard the phone go off the hook and then the crash. She screamed for Janet.
Janet, terrified that something was wrong with Sam, ran into the room.
"I have to go, I have to, Janet!" Sam pleaded through the tears.
Janet shook her head, "I can't let you, Sam, it is entirely too dangerous. Tell me what happened."
Sam explained that she had left several messages. When Janet heard about the phone going off the hook and then the crash, she became concerned. The Colonel had a history of depression and suicidal tendencies after Charlie's death. She immediately turned to her office and yelled, "Daniel, Teal'c, please, come here!"
They had been watching through the glass and were relieved to be invited in. Janet didn't explain, she just ordered, "Go to Colonel O'Neill's house and bring him back to the infirmary now. This is a military order."
Daniel hesitated looking at Janet in the eye. He knew Jack's history in a way Teal'c probably did not. When Daniel had met Jack his son had just killed himself with Jack's gun. Daniel knew he had gone on that mission thinking it was a suicide mission. The look that passed the between the doctors' explained everything.
Sam didn't miss the non verbal communication, and was grateful they did not have to go into details. "If he doesn't answer the door, try the roof," she told Teal'c.
Daniel and Teal'c left the room with a sense of urgency.
They arrived at the Colonel's house 15 minutes later. The house was totally dark. Daniel ran up to the door and rang the bell. He could hear it ring, but heard nothing else. Teal'c deliberately walked around to the ladder and climbed to the roof. "Daniel Jackson, O'Neill is here," Teal'c announced.
Daniel ran around the house and up the stairs. What he saw frightened him. Jack was sitting forward in his chair resting his elbows on his knees holding a beer between his hands. There were several empty bottles beside the chair and Jack's gun was laying about three feet in front of the chair. Jack was ignoring Teal'c and Daniel and staring at the gun.
Daniel finally found his voice, "Jack, what are you doing?" he asked almost tentatively. There was a long silence.
Finally Jack responded, "Go home, Daniel. I don't want you here."
"Well, Jack, sorry but that isn't going to happen. Dr. Fraiser has ordered Teal'c and I to bring you back to the SGC," Daniel replied.
"Not gonna happen," Was the Colonel's curt reply.
To everyone's surprise, Teal'c walked directly in front of the Colonel and put his foot on the gun. When the Colonel looked up at him he simply said, "O'Neill, you will return to SG1 with us, if I must pick you up and carry you."
Daniel saw the tears for the first time in the moonlight. It literally caused a pain in his heart to know how much his friend was hurting. He knelt down beside Jack and said, "I don't pretend to know how you are feeling, Jack, but I do know this, if you do what you're contemplating right now, we won't be having one funeral, we'll be having two. Sam will not survive the guilt."
"And how I am I supposed to survive the guilt, Daniel, I killed her," Jack's voice cracked as he said killed her.
"I don't know, Jack, but you've got to find a way for her," Daniel replied in a husky voice.
To Teal'c and Daniel's astonishment, Jack quietly got up, silently nodding agreement to go with them. He didn't say a word on the way back to the SGC. When they arrived they silently walked into the base together and went straight to the infirmary. The Colonel caught sight of the Major and immediately looked at the ground. The Major's heart nearly broke at the sight of him. She knew only too well how he felt, but she knew this was going to have to be a very diplomatic conversation.
Daniel went to get Janet. He filled her in quickly on what they had walked into. Janet acknowledged that it was exactly what she had feared. She quickly prepared a sedative and entered the infirmary. "Colonel, I have a bed with your name on it right there."
The Colonel shook his head and replied, "this isn't necessary, Doc."
"I'll be the judge of that, march, doctor's orders," she said in a teasing voice trying to get a response. He simply shook his head in disgust as he moved over to the bed and pulled the curtain around it. He quickly changed into the outfit lying on the bed and crawled in. He knew the Doc would be there in a moment with a sedative. Why wouldn't they all just leave him alone? He knew why, and he knew they were right, but that didn't change the fact that he wanted to be left alone.
The doctor came in quietly and told him to rollover. She gave him a shot that hurt like all the shots she gave him. Wasn't there a more humane way to do this, he wondered. He didn't know what she gave him, but it hit him like a ton of bricks. He was out in less than five minutes.
Janet had already sent Teal'c and Daniel on their way. She went and sat on the side of Sam's bed. She quickly noted the tears streaming down her face. She took Sam's hand and said, "Hey, are you okay?"
Sam tried unsuccessfully to compose herself. "Janet, I know what he is going through, but I can't think of anything to say to him that he will want to hear. When I killed Martouf, I knew it was the right thing to do, but it didn't help the pain to go away. The Colonel did his duty, I'm going to be okay, but none of this will stop the guilt. I don't know how to reach him."
Janet gently squeezed her hand and said, "Sam, I don't think it will be words that will get through to him. You two have a way of communicating without words, but I am sure that he will be okay, just because you want him to be. Don't worry about what to say or do, when the time comes, it will come naturally. Now, I'm going to give you a sedative so you can get some sleep, too."
Sam bit back her initial reaction and simply shook her head slightly and said, "I am worn out Janet, and somehow the sedatives don't seem to help that, they make it worse. I really do think I will sleep well without it."
Janet looked at her skeptically, but thought she could believe what she had heard, so she agreed. It was late and Janet was tired. Worrying about SG-1's emotional well being was often worse than having seriously injured patients filling her ward. She told Sam that she was going home, but that she would leave instructions that she could be given something to help her sleep if she changed her mind. Sam told Janet that she would ask for something if she needed it. Sam then acted like she was preparing to sleep.
After Janet left, Sam waited for the night nurse to check on her. As she had expected, she came in soon after Janet left. First she checked on Sam and believed that she was asleep. Then she checked on the Colonel. She then went back of the office.
Sam slipped out of her bed and pulled a chair to the side of the Colonel's bed. She took his hand in hers and laid her cheek on top of it. She sat that way until she fell asleep. The Colonel woke up at 0345 and couldn't figure out what was on his hand at first. As he tried to move it, he realized it was the Major. He was still groggy and couldn't quite figure out what she was doing. He laid there for a moment and his head began to clear. He realized she had come to comfort him. How could she do that? He had nearly killed her, hell, he had killed her. This was one of the many things he loved about her, but then he wasn't worthy of loving her, or having her love him. He tried to pull his hand away, he felt so guilty. When he did she started to stir. She squeezed his hand and looked up at him with that smile that lit up his world. She quietly said, "Hey."
He looked extremely embarrassed and finally replied, "Hey." After a long pause, he asked, "What are you doing? Shouldn't you be in bed?"
Sam blushed and replied, "Janet would be angry if she knew I wasn't in bed, but I needed to be close to you."
Jack shook his head in complete disbelief and asked, "Why?"
Sam gave him a small smile and replied, "We have a new bond. We've both killed someone we cared about. You thought you understood what I went through when I killed Martouf, but I am not sure it was the same, now I know that you know how I felt."
Jack pondered that revelation for a while. He finally said, "With Charlie the pain and guilt were bad, but this time, I actually pulled the trigger, not once, but twice. The guilt I feel now is unbearable. I thought I felt guilty when Charlie died, but it was nothing compared to this."
Sam silently nodded in agreement. They sat there holding each other's hand for a long time. Sam finally spoke, "I could tell you that it is okay, that I don't hold you responsible, that you did your job, that I'm going to be okay, but none of that is going to matter to you. I know, because people told me those things after Martouf died. It didn't change the fact that I had been the one. It would have hurt if anyone else had done it, but it was important to him that I was the one to do it. If this had to be done, Jack, and it did, I am glad it was you that did it."
Sam looked up and saw the tears streaming down his face. She stood up and sat down on the bed beside him. She took his face in her hands and gently kissed away the tears. When he finally stopped crying she laid down beside him on top of the covers.
Janet arrived early the next morning. It had been a late night but she was worried about the Colonel. She went straight to the infirmary and stopped dead in her tracks as she looked at Sam's empty bed. She then checked the Colonel's bed. A wry smile appeared on her face. Sam was on the Colonel's bed. He had his arms around her and she was asleep with her head on his shoulder. They both had a very peaceful look on their faces. She should have known better than to believe Sam when she said she would go to sleep, but she was glad she had. Sam had known what to do. She quietly pulled the curtain around the bed, trying not to draw any attention to the scene. The nurse often slept in office if everyone was okay. With the sedatives, there should not have been a need for her, so Janet was hopeful that she had not seen this.
She gently woke both of them up. They smiled at her rather sheepishly. Janet laughed out loud. "Don't worry, your secret is safe with me. How are you feeling, Colonel?"
Jack smiled at the Doc mischievously and answered, "It's unbelievable how good you feel after a good night's sleep, especially when you have a clean conscience."
Janet looked in amazement first and Jack and then at Sam. By the smile that lit up the whole room, Janet knew it was true. She shook her head and said to Sam, "I don't know how you do it, Sam, but when it comes to miracles, you seem to be able to pull one out of your hat anytime this man needs it. Now, you had better get back to your own bed, before someone walks in."
Sam gave Jack a gentle kiss on the cheek and quickly moved back to her own bed.
Janet pulled back the curtain and began her normal morning routine of checking over her patients. She was very pleased with the results.
At 1000 hours, Daniel and Teal'c entered the infirmary. Daniel was very pleased at what he saw. Sam and Jack both looked much happier and seemed to be very comfortable with each other.
You could have knocked Daniel over with a feather when Teal'c stated, "O'Neill, I am anxious to get to work. How long until you and Major Carter are ready to return to work?"
They both started to get out of bed as they said in unison, "How about now?"
Janet ran out of her office and said, "Just what do you two think you are doing?"
"Going back to work," they echoed.
"Not this week," the doctor quickly replied.
The Colonel and the Major looked at each, broke into mischievous grins. They simultaneously did 25 jumping jacks. Jack quipped, "See, we are as fit as fiddles."
"I'll be the judge of that, Colonel!" the doctor said glaring one by one at all of them. Her glare rested on the Major and she continued, "Sam, may I see you in my office?"
Sam replied, "Sure!" As the doctor returned to her, Sam turned to the others and shrugged her shoulders. She didn't have a clue what was coming but knew she was about to suffer the wrath of her good friend.
Janet closed the door rather loudly behind Sam and immediately set in, "Are you crazy?"
Sam shook her head confused, "What are you talking about, Janet?"
"Well, let's see, you were inhabited by this strange alien, it messed with your mind to the point we couldn't find you in there, it transferred your mind into a computer, the Colonel killed you and all of that was yesterday. You think you're fit to go back to work?"
Sam broke into a sheepish grin and simply said, "Yes, I do."
Janet shook her head, "I should have known better, but what about the Colonel? Let me tell you what Daniel and Teal'c found last night. They found a broken man on the roof with several empty beer bottles, one open beer and a gun at his feet that he was staring at. Sam, he was contemplating suicide."
Janet's mouth fell open when she answered, "It's exactly what I expected, Janet. We know he was suicidal after Charlie's death. Holy Hannah, I was suicidal after I killed Martouf. I knew how he would feel. That's why it is so important for us to get back to work. I reached him last night, but if he doesn't go back to work and if we don't get back to normal, the depression will set in again. It's vital that we get back to work."
Janet laughed; she should have known Sam was only thinking about the Colonel. She still wasn't happy. She understood were Sam was coming from, but she was still very concerned about Sam. They still needed to make sure there was no permanent damage to her before the doctor released her as fit for duty.
"Okay, let's go," she said as she opened the door.
When they reached the others Janet said, "Okay, here's the drill. First, I need to run tests on Sam, to make sure she's fit for duty, so no one is going anywhere today. Colonel, I'm keeping you here until I've released Sam. Daniel and Teal'c, I'll deal with you two later. Teal'c, you're not going to like it."
They all broke into laughter as a faint smile passed over Teal'c's face. He replied, "As you wish, Doctor."
The Colonel and Major were still laughing as the doctor ran Teal'c and Daniel out of her infirmary. Janet turned and glared at them before she broke into laughter, "Did Teal'c actually laugh at me?"
The Major sank on her bed in giggles as the Colonel quipped, "You should be honored, Doc. Teal'c doesn't laugh at anything, but his own stupid Jaffa jokes."
Janet sent for breakfast for all three of them. She wanted to see for herself that both of these wayward patients were okay emotionally. She was amazed that they never stopped joking. Both of them were in the best mood they had been in since they came back from that stupid planet where they had been enslaved.
Janet sent Sam to get ready for the tests. She took the time alone with the Colonel to ask him about the drastic change. Jack smiled and shook his head, "She didn't forgive me Janet, she just understood. She compared it to when she killed Martouf. I remembered the things that I had said and how I had felt watching her pain. Daniel had told me it would kill her if I killed myself. Suddenly I knew it was true. If I continued to let it get to me, it would eat her alive, I would be doing it to her all over again, and I wouldn't do that Janet. I care way too much, as you well know."
"I'm glad to hear it. You are right; it was killing her all over again last night. I can't believe how different you two are today. I'm grateful, but I have to tell you, I'm expecting you to keep an eye on her if I allow her to go on a mission tomorrow. She has been through hell and back in more ways than I can count," Janet lectured.
"Don't worry, doc, I'll keep an eye on her." He grinned wryly as he continued quietly, "I always do. But I do think the best thing for both of us is to move on as quickly as possible."
Janet simply laid a hand on his shoulder and gently squeezed it and gave him a very understanding smile. She understood the rules, but she hated it in this case. Neither of them had a chance of a life outside of SG-1. She wished everyone else would recognize it and allow them the only real happiness they had.
During the tests, Janet asked Sam how she worked the miracle with the Colonel. Sam shook her head and replied, "I'm not really sure. I just reminded him of Martouf and that I understood. I told him I wasn't going to tell him it was okay, or it was his duty or any of the other things that I hated hearing.I just understood."
Janet laughed and Sam asked her what was so funny. "I asked the Colonel what you said and he told me the same thing, that you just understood. He did tell me that when he thought back to when you killed Martouf he knew that if he let this continue to get him, it would eat you alive. He cares a lot, Sam."
Sam smiled sadly and replied, "I know.I do too."
They finished the tests to Janet's satisfaction. It was time for lunch and Janet sent the Colonel and the Major for lunch. She then went to find the General. Before she found him she heard the alarm. She saw the Colonel and Major Carter running to the gate room. When she got there she heard a gentleman that had just walked through the gate say, "Comtriya."
The end.
Story Notes: Email: peterpan4ever@neverneverland.cc
Feedback: Please!
Archive: S&J; Heliopolis; anyone else, please ask.
Spoilers: Divide and Conquer
Status: Complete
Thanks: Thank you Pam for beta reading.
Copyright C C. French 2002
Feedback: Please!
Archive: S&J; Heliopolis; anyone else, please ask.
Spoilers: Divide and Conquer
Status: Complete
Thanks: Thank you Pam for beta reading.
Copyright C C. French 2002
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]