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Story Notes: Thoughts - Comments: Thanks to Wendy G for suggesting an episode and causing me to reorganise the whole story :> I apologise in advance to anyone who disagrees with the way in which I have interpreted the episodes you're welcome to tell me what you thought, but no flames please. Also thanks to the Sam and Jack list because it's their dicussions that make me watch episodes in so much detail . And to Dustdevil for beta-ing this and encouraging me to continue :-) Hope you enjoy it.

Copyright (c) Elise Hudson, January 2000


Colonel Jack O'Neill



I watch as the Doctors crowd round her, trying to save her life, and my heart breaks again. It first broke when I realised what she had become. My junior officer had been invaded while under my command. My friend had been transformed into that which I hate most. And now my heart breaks at the thought of losing her. It's not that Colonel O'Neill does not want to lose a very good junior officer while he was supposed to be watching her. It's that Jack, plain simple Jack, does not want to lose Sam.

That's why I remain here even though the klaxons are sounding. I remain here even though I'm second in command at the SGC and am probably needed. I cannot leave her side. I want to be here when she awakens or, God forbid it, dies. So, I stand here silently begging, to whatever higher source there is, for her to live and to be returned to me.

I need her back. She can't leave my life yet, not with so much left unspoken. When I found her lying in the cell I feared the worst, but Doc's trying her best to keep our friend alive.

I know it's irrational for me to want to protect her, to save her, to keep her from harm but I can't help it. I know she can look after herself. I've known it since our first conversation. She showed she could stand up for herself, hold her own. And when I told her that I adored her already I never knew it would come true. Our mission to the Shivadii proved she could look after herself and I think that's what made the adoration grow within me. I sneaked a look at her medical files after that mission and knew she had been beaten. From that moment on she wasn't a scientist who annoyed me, but a fighter who I respected. She survived that and never let the events affect her work, she survived an ice planet with me, she survived a Gou'ald attack and more. She cannot let a little snake thing defeat her now.

I start forward to her as Doc tells me the snake's dead. I can't explain these feelings. Maybe it is that adoration she nows nothing about. Maybe that's why I want to protect her so that when the day comes for us to be together she'll still be alive.

Doc moves away and I move closer to my junior officer. She opens her eyes and I can't contain my smile. I tell her how she prevailed, how she beat it and in a hoarse whisper she tells me how the snake sacrificed itself for her and then turns away from me.

I can't believe she just said that. She believes it, but I don't, I can't. It doesn't matter, I tell myself, none of that does. All that matters is I have my Sam back.



*****



It's been a few days since the incident and Sam isn't any better. Cassandra's turned up. Daniel and I explain as best we can what's happened to Sam and I think she understands. I wouldn't blame her if she didn't, I don't fully understand, myself, what's happened over the past few days.

Together we enter the infirmary and I can see the pain on Cassandra's face. Here is the ever strong Captain Samantha Carter looking weak and helpless. It makes me feel helpless, knowing there is nothing I can do to help her. It's time for us to be the strong ones and help her through this just as she's helped us in the past, but none of us know where to start.

She's lying there building walls, emotional barriers to prevent her from feeling the hurt. The sympathy from friends can easily worsen a situation especially if the snake was a good one that sacrificed itself for her. I can't let her succeed in blocking everything out. She needs to deal with her pain. How can I help her do that? I ran from my problems and was ready to die to escape them. Something saved me, I'm not sure what, but I survived. Now, we need something to save Sam. It's not that easy. She just lies there, face in the pillow, back turned to the world.

Cassandra moves towards Sam and leans on the edge of the bed. Sam refuses to even acknowledge the young girl. I feel bad for Cass, she doesn't understand what's going on. Then Cass puts a hand on Sam's shoulder. Still, Sam refuses to acknowledge her. She then tells her everything will be okay and Sam moves slightly. I can see it from here. For the first time in days Sam has moved. I can't see the expression on her face but I know she'll be okay.

I smile slightly knowing that Sam will be okay. She has friends to see her through this. I wish I'd had friends like these when Charlie died.



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End




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