The gate flashed open just as Jack was about to step on the ramp. He stepped back, frowning anxiously, as the other SG members stumbled out of the wormhole, incoherently explaining the events of the past five minutes to Hammond, but Jack didn't hear. He waited, vaguely aware of Daniel and Teal'c beside him, but all his attention focused on the glassy blueness of the portal.
"C'mon, where are you?" he muttered to himself. He was out of breath, having broken every speed limit he could find to get here so quickly. Now he couldn't catch his breath again. She should have been here by now. She should have been standing in the gateroom, waiting for him, ready to yell at him for letting Simmons invade her home, anything, as long as she was here.
But she wasn't.
Then she came through the wormhole, and he breathed again.
"Carter?" he asked, unsure of himself. She wasn't angry, or amazed, or anything. She looked white, pale and shaken, and dazed.
"Yes?"she said slowly, as if she was dragging her mind away from some other place, some other time.
"You okay?" he asked.
"I think so." she said still slowly, as she walked down the ramp towards him.
"And the alien guy?"
"I don't know." she said, still dazed.
"He's dead!" Reynolds told him. "He turned into a big white cloud, and took the bomb away, and it exploded."
Jack drew in his breath sharply. God, not again. How could Sam cope with this? How could she cope with yet another man dying in her arms, their blood on her hands, their last breath still warming her skin?
"Sam?" he said, gently, reaching out to her. She looked like she would fall. But she stepped past him.
"I think I'll go home." she said, not meeting his eyes. "I'm very tired."
"Sam, do you need..." he started to ask, but she cut him off.
"I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm just going to go home. Fly a kite. Knit something. Whatever." she said, almost mechanically, and then she left. Jack started to follow, but his eyes met Janet's, and she shook her head, imperceptibly. Jack got the message. ' She's not ready. Not for you. Not now. Not after what's happened.' He stood back, and watched Janet follow her friend out.
Sam fell asleep almost immediately, but her dreams were disturbing. Death and love, intertwined, aching and impossible, reaching for her, enveloping her in grief. She saw them all, Martouf, her mother, Jonas, calling for her, reaching for her with skeletal hands, screaming 'I loved you, and I died.'. Blame darkened the world in her mind, until she was drowning in sorrow and loneliness.
But then there was light, and warmth, and gentleness and kindness and laughing, and she instinctively reached out, seeing a redeemer.
And then the blackness swallowed him too.
Sam woke up, screaming, her sheets drenched with sweat.
"Oh god." she murmured. "Oh god, that was a bad one."
"Sam?" a familiar voice called out, faintly tinged with panic. Confused, Sam got up, and went into the lounge.
Her commanding officer stood there, at three in the morning, worriedly looking around her house.
"Sir?" she asked. He spun round. "What are you doing here?"
"You okay?" he asked, stepping towards her, but hesitating as he took in the fact that she was in pyjamas.
"I'm fine. How did you get in? Why did you get in?" she asked. He at least had the grace to look sheepish.
"I heard you scream." he explained. "And your door wasn't locked in any serious way."
"No, not after this afternoon." she snapped back. "Thanks to you and Colonel Simmons."
"Hey! I had nothing to do with that!"
Her anger dissipated. She was too tired to remain furious with him for long. She sighed.
"I know. I'm not going to sleep again tonight anyway. I'm going to make some coffee. Want some?" He nodded, and followed her into the kitchen, wondering when she would figure out he'd sidestepped the question of what exactly he was doing there.
He'd been outside, in his car, watching. After she had gone, he'd paced round the SGC a few hundred times before Daniel had finally said,
"Go and see her, for God's sake, and stop bothering me!"
So he had. It wasn't until he was out of the artificial daylight of the SGC and half way to her house that he realised the time. He turned to go back home, then realised he was too keyed up to sleep, and anyway, all he was going to spend the next few hours doing was thinking up a suitable apology for Sam. So instead, he drove to her house, and parked outside, vaguely aware that that was a slightly pathetic thing to do, but feeling better for it. And then he'd heard that terrible, heart-rending scream, and had rushed in without a second thought.
He glanced down at the counter, at the half-empty glass of whisky there. She saw him look at it.
"I thought it would help me sleep. Or rather, stop me dreaming." she explained.
"It doesn't stop the dreams. Believe me, I know." he told her.
"I know too, now." she told him, as she poured the hot water into the coffee jug.
"Is that why you screamed, bad dreams?" he asked, sympathetically.
"The worst." she agreed, her back to him. He winced. He could imagine. He'd had some pretty bad ones in his time, searing, haunting nightmares that had followed him for days. He still had them. It had only be a few nights ago that he'd dreamt, once again, of killing Sam, that second shot slamming into her body.
But he could cope with bad dreams. It wasn't that Sam wasn't tough, he knew she was, but she was like Daniel. She felt more, she took things harder. And this, the death of a second man that she'd cared for, must have hit her hard.
"I've made a decision." she said, as she handed him his cup. She sipped her own drink, not looking at him. "I'm quitting the SGC."
He froze.
"You're what?" he demanded.
"I'm leaving." she said, still not looking at him, walking past him.
"Why?" he shouted, following her.
"I don't have to give you a reason." she said, too calmly.
"The hell you don't!" he bellowed at her. "You can't just walk out without a reason, without telling me why."
"Fine!" she snapped, turning around, her eyes dark with anger. "How about the fact that you spied on me without my knowledge or consent? Or that you all thought I was raving mad!"
"I did not spy on you! That was Simmons!"
"You expect me to believe that?"
"I expect you to believe that I would never allow anyone to spy on anyone under my command, let alone you!" he shouted back.
"But you did think I was insane, didn't you!"
"I thought about it!"
"I knew it!"
"Well, it was your turn!"
"My turn?" she said, quieter, looking confused.
"Well, everyone else has gone a bit... doolally once in a while." he explained. "I mean, even Teal'c went round the twist not so long ago. We all have. And you work so hard that..."
"That you thought I was overdue a bout of insanity?" she said, incredulous.
"Well, when you put it that way, it sounds ridiculous." he said, slightly hurt. "But I really thought.. look, Sam, I was really just trying to do what I thought was best." he said, miserably.
"I know." she said gently, oddly touched by his obvious misery at her anger.
"I'm sorry Orlin died." he admitted.
"I'm not so sure he did." Sam told him. "Didn't Daniel say that those beings of light can survive almost anything?"
"Yeah, he did, so no need for bad dreams." he assured her.
"It wasn't him I was dreaming about." she whispered. "Sir, I'm still going to quit."
"Why?"
She shook her head, and looked down, at the carpet. In the dark, Jack thought he saw one tear fall, slowly, sparkling, but he couldn't be sure.
"Sam." he said, even more gently. "You know what you mean to me. I'm not asking you as your commanding officer, but as a man who cares for a hell of a lot more than he's supposed to. Please, tell me why you're leaving."
"I can't." she murmured, still looking down, her voice muffled.
"Just because of one bad dream?" he pressed on. "Because you dreamed Orlin died?"
"I didn't dream of Orlin." she looked up, and now Jack could see clearly, she WAS crying, her eyes incandescent with unshed tears. "I dreamed of you." she told him.
"What?" he asked, breathlessly, his stomach suddenly twisting in hope and fear.
"I dreamed you died." she told him.
"Why...why would I die?" he stammered.
"Because anyone who ever .. cared for me, has died." she told him, stumbling over her words. "My mother, Martouf, Orlin probably, and Jonas. I'm scared. I'm scared that next time it'll be you."
"Oh God. Come here." he told her, pulling her into his arms, holding her tight and safe, as she sobbed into his jacket. He held her, like that, soothing her like a child, as his usually cool, self-possessed Major broke down in his arms.
"I'm not going to die." he reassured her, stroking her hair. She muffled something into his shirt. He cupped her face in his hands and tipped her head back off his shirt so he could hear her.
"You nearly died in that corridor, when you wouldn't leave me. And when you.."
"But I didn't die, did I?" he told her. "It's more difficult than you think, to kill me."
"But everyone who's ever cared for me..."
"Is Daniel dead? Or Teal'c or Jacob, or Hammond or Janet? You've saved them from dying a couple of hundred times. Martouf and Jacob and Orlin didn't die because of you, they died because they lived dangerous lives. That's all there is to it, Sam." he insisted. She still looked dubious. "You certainly won't kill me, my love." he told, unconscious of what he called her, only knowing he had to keep her, soothe her, take care of her in this brief moment of weakness. "I live for you." he explained. "Before you, I couldn't have cared less if I lived or died. Ask Daniel. Now, you've given me something to survive for." He smiled at her, the sweet, little-boy smile that was just for her. "You're my lucky charm, Sam."
It worked. She smiled, a heart-stopping breath-taking smile that warmed him through and through. He bent down, so close, so close he could feel her breath against her cheek. She didn't move, but she didn't flinch away either. He could feel her heart thumping against him. He was so close, so close to everything he dreamed about, night after night, everything he wanted, needed.
He stopped. If he kissed her now, it would lead to more. And there couldn't be any more. They couldn't be together, not for the moment. There were rules, and regulations, and even if he didn't care, others did. Even Sam did, and even though she might ignore them for a moment, there would be a time when she couldn't. She wasn't ready yet. If Simmons ever found out, they would be split up. There were a hundred reasons why he couldn't do this, couldn't bend down to her, couldn't kiss her, softly and sweetly. Not yet. So he stepped back, brow creasing in regret and pain, suddenly wondering if one day he'd regret that missed opportunity, wish he'd kissed her, just once.
It hurt like hell. But he knew he'd done the right thing.
She stepped back herself, shaking her head, as if she was still lost in her dreams.
"Don't go." he asked. "Not yet. Give it a few weeks, and if you still feel like this.... we'll talk."
"Okay." she said, wiping away her tears. "I'll stay."
He nodded, and turned to go.
"Sir?" she called after him. He turned back to her. "I was just thinking, if I had quit, we would have no longer been bound by the rules regarding relationships." she said, haltingly, unsure of the territory she was stepping into. "So, I was wondering why you talked me out of it."
He thought for a moment, then looked at her, seriously.
"You're brilliant, Sam. You're intelligent, quick, a good soldier, a good scientist. You'll go far. One day you'll be leading the SGC, and you'll do a lot of good there. If you quit now, you'll be losing all that, and you'll regret that, one day. I am not worth losing an exceptionally bright future for."
"I..." she started to say, but he stopped her.
"Don't argue with me, I'm still your commanding officer." he said, dryly humorous.
"Yes, sir." she replied.
"Sir." he murmured, turning to go. As he got to the door, he faced her. "Lucky charm." he told her. "Don't forget that."
"I won't." she promised.
He left, with a quick smile, and a strange ache in his eyes. He was gone before Sam realised that she had never found out what he was doing outside her house at three in the morning.
But then again, perhaps she did know.
Story Notes: Email, mbirky@hotmail.com
Category,sam and jack, missing scene
Spoilers, ascension, entity
Author’s notes now its my go at a post-ascension story!
Category,sam and jack, missing scene
Spoilers, ascension, entity
Author’s notes now its my go at a post-ascension story!
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]