Sam waited patiently for Teal'c to answer. He seemed to be taking his time about it, but she felt unable to intrude without his express permission. Now she'd got here, she was losing her nerve and wished he'd answer quickly. Maybe it was her hesitation and increasing tenseness that made it seem like he kept her waiting so long.
Just the six of them stuck together on this ship wasn't easy. Not much variety in the company, no matter how much you might get along. They managed to get by, but it was all too easy to grate on each other's nerves in such an enclosed environment - a ghastly Big Brother like reality show but with no end or escape. Claustrophobics beware!
She had let everyone down. Having suggested using the time dilation device, which seemed the only option way back then, she hadn't been able to find a way out, a way back home. And, Lord, she missed home, and Jack; him most of all.
Sam might have been able to bear this imprisonment with him by her side, and in her arms, but it was only just about vaguely tolerable without him. Was it living? She almost wished she'd just let the darned Ori blow them to smithereens. A quick death might have been preferable to this purgatory.
It was all her fault. If Jack had been there he probably would have made her think of the solution years ago; some simple, seemingly dumb, Jack-like comment, just as he had done so often in the past. The simple being the one thing she rarely seemed to think of for herself. He was good at that.
And if he hadn't made her see it, at least he would have comforted her, tried to get her to stop blaming herself, loved her regardless. His strength and support would have made her feel better, and he would have been there -that was the point. But he wasn't there.
Their lives together had barely even begun. Now this. He'd be back on Earth expecting her to return any moment, totally unaware of their predicament, time for him moving at normal pace. And all the while, here she was, older but not wiser, and lonely; insufferably lonely.
She needed a friend, a shoulder. If it couldn't be Jack, Teal'c was the next best thing. He had a great shoulder for crying on, great arms to hug her sorrow away, and was as quiet and calming as Jack. Sam loved that about him. Neither man was the best at communicating emotion verbally, but they didn't need words. They could communicate and comfort with thought and deed alone. It didn't take much. She could feel mainly whole again. She might even sleep.
Yes, Teal'c could be a comfort, but she wanted something different, something more. This was going to be hard, she knew, and was very far from certain, but she had to do it.
"Samantha," the low voice said as he answered his door.
Sam smiled thinly. How many years had it taken her to persuade him to call her something other than Colonel Carter? Too many. She was pleased he did so now, and with such apparent ease these days. He had been a godsend to her over these lost years. If not for him, she would have gone crazy long ago. They were good friends; it was right that he called her by her given name.
"Teal'c, I'm sorry it's so late. I can't sleep," she said explaining why she was calling on him when all of them should be in bed asleep. "Were you asleep?"
"I might have closed my eyes," he replied with a small smile, and then he searched her face, tilting his head to one side as he observed. "You are troubled. You wish to talk."
She nodded, pleased he understood, and he indicated she should enter. The pair had exchanged many companionable silences, the silence soothing rather than awkward - the silence of kin who have known each for a long time. So, when she entered, Sam sat in her normal chair and Teal'c perched on his bed where he could get a good view of her and gauge her feelings.
All six of them had tried to find ways to make their rooms more like home than the grey toned, monotonous cabins of a spaceship. Teal'c's decor was sparse, but the flickering, atmospheric candlelight he enjoyed from his many years of contemplative and healing kelno'reem suffused his cabin. Tretonin obviated the necessity of the act, but not the need.
For Teal'c, the shimmering glow of candles represented home wherever he was and gave him a form of serene peace. The required tretonin, which kept him alive and healthy, had been a priority for reproduction by the Asgard matter converter, but the candles were the one luxury Teal'c had craved, and were replenished frequently.
Sam had to admit, the dancing flames of the candles as they twitched and glimmered their shadows on the walls made his dull cabin seem special and homely. There was a time when she would have sat cross-legged with him on the floor, sharing their comforting incandescence and warmth, but these days she tended to use the more comfortable chair, which didn't make the light, or Teal'c's staunch presence, any less soothing.
So, she watched the flickering light in thoughtful silence, and Teal'c waited with enduring patience for her to speak, as he knew she would. He enjoyed these moments of intimacy with her, and had come to look forward to them as they became an increasingly regular feature of his life.
"I'm never going to figure it out, Teal'c. We'll never get home," she said eventually, her voice wobbling with emotion. As subtext, Teal'c knew she was mourning the loss of O'Neill, the man she loved so dearly; her husband.
The pair had spent too many years apart when they should have been together, but both made sacrifices for their work, to fight for freedom and their cherished Earth. Each one of the team had made such sacrifices and Teal'c knew they all believed the cause worthwhile, more important than personal considerations and living their lives - a small price to pay.
He had not been surprised when his two friends finally decided to stop making that sacrifice and try for love together. No one was sure it would work, least of all them. They were so different. Their long years of comradeship, shared history and the unfulfilled promise and tension, were both a blessing and a curse in building the relationship they strived for, but it worked.
They had married, been happy, and very much in love. Their time had come. Life had struck his friend a cruel blow by stranding her here at this time.
When Samantha played her cello, she played for her husband; sad refrains filled with yearning, loss and love. Teal'c wished he had the love of a woman who would play music for him that held such deep meaning and feeling.
He knew she blamed herself for their predicament, and for not saving them, and it tore at his heart to witness her sorrow and self-recrimination. He could not let her give up because to do so would be to give up hope of life, and of ever seeing her husband again.
When a solitary tear ran down her cheek and he noticed her shoulders shaking a little, the sound of a small sob, Teal'c stood up and approached, reaching out his hand and taking hers.
"Come," he said and she stood, knowing he would enfold her in his arms and make her feel better again, for a while. Warmth and companionship were so important, but a person needs more than that in their lives. Jack had made her realize that.
Sam had felt more complete with Jack as lover and husband. She had never understood quite what she had been missing for all those years, how fulfilling it could be to share life with someone else. She'd always shrugged off that notion, been an independent woman who could stand on her own two feet and face the world alone, believing such intimacy with another might subsume her. This was one reason she had previously shied away from marriage and all the union implied, despite her two previous engagements.
It wasn't until she and Jack had grown so close that Sam realized sharing her life with him made her stronger. She wasn't diminished as she feared, wasn't subsumed - she evolved and grew, and loved her husband even more for encouraging her to do so, rather than attempting to stifle her as her previous fiances had done.
Settling into Teal'c's strong arms, her head buried in his chest, she tried to choke back the tears she wanted to weep. She had to say what she had truly come here to say. Now was the time, but she wasn't certain she had the courage. She was going to ask a lot of her friend, and Sam knew him well, knew he would doubt and think what she was going to suggest was dishonorable. But she would ask it anyway.
Sam was lonely, and so was Teal'c. Why should they both be so lonely when they could be stronger in facing this uncertain future together?
Sam's water filled eyes looked up into Teal'c's compassionate brown ones and what she said next both puzzled and shocked him.
"Make love to me, Teal'c." Her blue eyes held the hint of a plea, and Teal'c drew back from their comforting embrace with an intimation of horror.
Sam hadn't intended to be that blunt. In her head, she'd envisaged this conversation, what she would say and how she would say it, and these words were not the ones she had chosen in any of those imagined exchanges. These words made it seem that this was all about sex and it wasn't. It was about way more than that. It was about the need for a companionship that transcended friendship.
There was so much more to lovemaking than sexual gratification. Sam wanted and needed those things, not a mere sexual romp. Her relationship with Jack had taught her much about this that she had never truly understood or experienced before. She hadn't meant to make this approach appear to be about sex, but finding the right words was not easy.
"You find me that unappealing?" she asked sadly, heart lurching dramatically at his reaction. She might have expected such a reaction, and Sam knew her inadvertently direct approach was wrong for Teal'c, but it was too late to withdraw her words now. All she could do was try to make him understand what she really wanted and her mind scrambled with thoughts of what she might say to mitigate the words.
"I do not, Samantha," he replied in a quiet voice, "but you are O'Neill's woman."
The initial brief glimpse of shock was gone and his expression gave nothing away. Sam thought it was so like Teal'c to appear stoical and unmoved and wondered what he was thinking about her suggestion, unable to discern anything from his tone either.
"You think it would be a betrayal." It was a statement, not a question. "I suppose you're shocked, appalled I should suggest it. I didn't mean it to come out like that. Nerves I guess. This isn't about sex, Teal'c; it's about way more than that." She still struggled to find the right words to explain, despite the many internal discussions she'd had before approaching him.
Teal'c thought for a while. He valued Colonel Carter's friendship, but also that of O'Neill. Frankly, yes, he was shocked, perhaps a little appalled and certainly a lot confused.
"I know not what to think."
Sam turned away, unable to meet the dark brown eyes that bored into her, half ashamed, but still yearning the feel of his warm body against hers, the power of his embrace. The strength of his friendship was important to her but she longed for more than that. She missed lovemaking and the true companionship it could provide between two people who cared about each other, and she and Teal'c cared about each other deeply didn't they?
This approach had little to do with her feelings for Jack, which were as powerful as ever, and everything to do with loneliness and need. These were desperate times and they might never get home. Was she expected to be lonely forever? And what about Teal'c? He might be a Jaffa warrior, and not quite human, but surely he had needs too, both physical and emotional?
Knowing she should have explained herself better rather than coming right out with such a seemingly bizarre request, Sam fumbled for words, wanting to ensure Teal'c understood and didn't lose his respect for her.
Teal'c remained unmoving, watching her back and her stance, knowing she would say more and needing her to say it. She seemed disconsolate and that bothered him. He loved Samantha Carter, perhaps not in the same way as O'Neill, b
ut well enough. Teal'c did not wish to lose her friendship or respect anymore than he suspected she wanted to lose his.
"We've been struck here for years, Teal'c, and I still haven't found a way to get us home." The sob he heard when she spoke the words moved him, and he wanted to step forward and take hold of her, console her again, but he didn't. He simply waited for her to continue.
"It's a long time to live without someone special in your life. Someone you can confide in, someone to keep you company when you are happy or sad, someone to share with, someone to be your companion and comfort in times of need. This is a time of need, Teal'c, isn't it? It's a long time live without someone to make love to you and that you can make love to, someone to hold you in their arms and make you feel whole again. Don't you miss it? Don't you want that?"
Uncertain that these words truly encapsulated her feelings, Sam plucked up courage to turn and face him at last and still couldn't discern his thoughts. Tears were rolling down her face and sobs punctuated her words while heartfelt emotion emphasized them.
"Look at Daniel and Vala. What they have, what they share. I want that too. Maybe that wouldn't have happened back on Earth, we might never know, but we aren't back on Earth and maybe we never will be."
Teal'c stepped forward then, fulfilling his urge to soothe her by taking her into his arms and holding her close. She shuddered with sobs, tears flowing freely, and he said nothing, allowing her to mourn the loss she obviously felt so keenly. The loss of the man she loved very deeply, his friend -their friend - O'Neill. His hands stroked her back in a gesture of consolation and affection and she clung to him forlornly and helplessly, apparently overpowered by her acute urge to share her feelings.
"You should not give up hope, Samantha," he said when her sobs died away and she simply remained clinging to him, returning his soothing caress.
Sam smiled against his chest, thinking about his use of her forename again. He refused to shorten it to Sam, and she liked that. It seemed fitting from Teal'c. Deep affection and warmth suffused her heart. If this had purely been about sex, then she probably could have gone to Cam. No doubt, he would have obliged in a friends with benefits arrangement that Teal'c would find hard to understand.
There was a reason she had chosen to approach Teal'c. Sam trusted him completely, and loved him dearly, in her own way. Much more deeply than any feeling she had for Cam or was ever likely to. If she was going to have a more than just friends relationship with anyone, Teal'c was the right person, and the only person out of the limited options available.
It felt so right and somehow less of a betrayal of Jack. She wasn't sure what her husband would think of her having such a relationship. No doubt, he wouldn't be happy, but she thought he would understand, at least in part. Not that she was ever likely to tell him if she somehow managed to get them home. This was another reason to choose Teal'c. He would keep their secret, and he would let her go if that time ever came.
What would Jack do in her position, if he was stuck here for an interminable time and possibly forever? She thought about that frequently. She couldn't expect him to be a monk, could she? It wasn't natural and it wasn't fair. He had needs just as she did. And they were more than physical needs after all this time, they were emotional too.
Of course, the notion that Jack might be unfaithful sickened her. She had thought long and hard about that before making this approach to Teal'c - the shoe being on the other foot, as it were. She'd had years to think about that, and to miss Jack, yearn for him, and mourn him. Sam hadn't made this approach to Teal'c lightly and he would surely realize that.
"All these years and still no solution. How can I have hope?" she responded to his words.
"You will find an answer."
He sounded so certain that it gave her pause. That absolute faith was encouraging and flattering, but might be misplaced.
"I wish I believed that. Help me believe that." Her voice cracked a little when she spoke, but there was no sign of tears.
"You are strong, Samantha," he said, thinking that she was one of the strongest women he had ever met.
Teal'c admired her greatly, more than simply admired. He had feelings for her: feelings he had never expressed because they were wrong; feelings that had developed over many years; even more so since they had become stranded in this place together and grown closer with each passing year. This moment, these words, brought those long suppressed feelings rising to the surface and he would have liked nothing better than to make love to her, give her what she wanted, but her desire did not make his longing right.
"You could help me be stronger. We could both be stronger. We could live through this instead of walking dazed, confused and alone in a nightmare."
Although he pulled back to look at her, Teal'c still held her and one of his hands reached to her hair and started to smooth over and through it.
"You are so certain?" he asked in a tone filled with uncertainty.
"It seems so right, Teal'c. Or it does to me. But I would never want you to do something you couldn't live with."
They stared into each other's eyes for a long time before he responded. "I am aware of that, but what of O'Neill?"
In that brief moment, Sam realized that Teal'c wanted and needed her as much as she wanted him. She could grasp this moment, but she didn't want any regrets for either of them. They would surely doubt; that was natural. She was asking a lot of him, just as she asked a lot of herself. They would both feel guilty if they had this affair.
And that was what she was asking, wasn't it, for Teal'c to have an affair with a married woman? They both knew this would never happen if they were on Earth, or Jack was there with them. Sam would never be unfaithful to her husband, and Teal'c would never consider her capable of such a thing. Desperate times indeed.
"We might never see him again, Teal'c. I'm not happy about that, obviously I'm not. He's my husband and I love him. I'll always love him. But you don't think I gave this a lot of thought before coming to you?"
"I am certain that you did."
"I doubt you've even considered what I've suggested. I need to give you time." She tried to pull away from him but he held firm, not letting her budge. "We'll both feel guilty, but I don't want us to regret, and I don't want you to do anything against your nature. You are an honorable man."
His eyes flashed with a sudden and unexpected anger. "You believe I never considered it? You are wrong. But I could never have conceived of acting upon those thoughts or desires." He could see by her expression that she was surprised, if not shocked. "You are a beautiful woman, Samantha Carter -beautiful and brave and strong and brilliant. How could I not love such a woman? I do not lack feeling, although you might believe I do."
"I don't believe that, Teal'c. I'm just. surprised. I didn't know."
"And you would never have known if circumstances had been different. Maybe if you hadn't been O'Neill's woman from the very beginning, things might have been different. I know your heart belongs to him and if we were to return to Earth, you would return to him. That might cause me pain but I would never want it any other way. You belong with him."
Sam's thoughts were in turmoil about those words. She'd had no idea that Teal'c felt anything more than as a friend and colleague towards her - none. Now it seemed he held feelings that he had kept hidden because he knew she would never reciprocate them, and he knew they were wrong.
"Oh God, Teal'c, I'm so sorry." She struggled against his grip, uncertain how to react. "I would never want to hurt you. If I'd known."
"What? Nothing would have changed."
His tone held a bitter tinge that surprised Sam even more. She couldn't do this to him; she couldn't use him in this way. It wasn't fair. He appeared to be second best, and in many ways that was true. How could she ask it of him? Teal'c deserved nothing less than total love and loyalty, and this she could not give as her heart truly belonged elsewhere. That did not, however, mean she couldn't love him well and deeply.
This was the reason she was here. The deep affection she'd had for him as a team mate had grown and evolved over these years on board the Odyssey. Trust, respect and close friendship, with some love mixed in for good measure. Perhaps not the deep abiding love she felt for her husband, but it was there for Teal'c, it genuinely was. Was it enough for him, for either of them? What she had been certain of before, Sam now doubted.
Suddenly, she felt a desperate need to get away and hide from her shame, his anger, and their confused feelings, regretting raising the subject in the first place. Sam had believed she'd thought this thing through, but it seemed she hadn't been prepared for how Teal'c might feel. She had expected all those thoughts around honor, betrayal and guilt, but not about feelings of which she had been unaware.
"Let me go, Teal'c!"
"No! I cannot! I do not wish to let you go, Samantha."
She stopped struggling and buried her face in his chest again, not wishing to withstand his angered glare.
"I couldn't have asked this of you if I'd known," she said in a small, defeated voice.
"Then perhaps I should be glad that you did not know." His tone was calmer now, the anger gone. "Please do not leave, Samantha. You are correct that it has been a long time. I too need and want those things you yearn for, those things you can only obtain with someone you care for: affection, tenderness and sharing, physical fulfillment. I might not be human but in these needs we share a common bond. Please stay."
From his words, she realized Teal'c understood what had driven her there. Sam's victory, however, somehow seemed hollow. She wasn't sure how to handle this situation now. Having planned it in her head, her plans had gone awry, in unanticipated directions. She might get what she wanted, but was no longer sure it was the right thing for Teal'c as well as her.
She pondered this for a while but knew it was too late to turn back now. That would hurt both of them far too much and their friendship might never recover. Sam couldn't bear for that to happen because she cared about Teal'c so deeply. Perhaps that was enough, for now.
"Yes, Teal'c, I'll stay," she whispered eventually, lifting her head to look into his eyes. They burned with an intensity she had never seen before. He loosened his grip slightly and she raised her fingers to his face, tracing lightly over his skin with their tips. He sighed and closed his eyes, turning his head into her hand to kiss her palm. Then he opened them again and looked at her earnestly.
"If we should get home again, I am not sure I could bear for O'Neill to ever know," he said. "O'Neill is my brother and I love him too. I would never wish to cause him pain."
She knew the notion of betrayal disturbed him and could be a specter that would haunt them in days and months, perhaps years, to come. But this might be forever for all either of them knew, unless she could find the solution that had eluded her for so long.
"I know. Neither would I," she replied the pact between them nearly sealed and complete.
"Then we are agreed."
"We're as one on this, Teal'c."
"The others must never know."
She knew he referred to Daniel and the group on board the ship. He didn't trust them to keep their secret, and he didn't want them to know about the betrayal he felt so guilty about.
"As I said, as one."
"Then just hold me, Samantha. That is enough to start with, is it not?"
He leaned down to kiss the top of her head and she nodded agreement, thinking the courtship might be slow and cautious. Perhaps that was for the best. So, he led her to his bed, urging her onto it and lying beside her. They huddled closely together for a very long time before speaking again, sometimes soothing each other with caressing hands through their clothing.
Eventually, Teal'c moved back and looked at her, his fingers stroking her arm tenderly as he broke the comfortable silence. "Are we making a mistake, Samantha?" he asked in a whispered tone.
"No, we aren't," she said determinedly. Voicing any doubt would be a mistake she might live to regret and they would both have enough guilt and shame to deal with.
Her certainty bolstered him and Teal'c shifted position slightly, his face aligning with hers, and a hand wandered up to comb through her hair, alighting on her cheek while he touched his lips to hers, kissing her for the first time.
At first, he merely brushed her lips with his, and then he pressed them harder against her. The skin of his lips, their wideness and depth, felt so different to Jack's and she liked the feel of them. Encouragingly, she parted her lips slightly and his tongue inserted into that opening, widening it and taking an exploratory ramble inside. It felt good, it felt very good indeed.
His fingers massaged her cheek and head as he deepened the kiss, and Sam responded by maneuvering one of her hands under his t-shirt and kneading the bare flesh of his back, while her tongue met his, thrusting into his mouth and clashing with it.
The feel of his skin, and his kiss, were very different to Jack's too, and this pleased her. However, Sam didn't wish to keep thinking she might compare the two very singular men and tried to push such thoughts from her mind. This was here and now and she would live for that because there wasn't much more she could live for, except forlorn hope of one day returning to the husband she adored. But she would be old by then, and Jack would not. What then?
It wasn't fair to think like this when she was with Teal'c. So she thrust Jack from her mind determinedly, and gave all her attention to her friend and would be lover.
When he pulled away from the kiss, exploring her eyes with his, seemingly to ensure she wanted to continue, her fingers traced over his back to his stomach and slowly explored the flesh surrounding his pouch. His questions answered by her actions, Teal'c rolled onto his back to let her caress him, feeling privileged that this Tauri woman dared and wanted to touch him there on a part of his body that spoke so boldly of old enemies. It was alien to her, but she plainly didn't care about that.
It seemed this relationship might progress quicker than she had thought and Sam decided that was fine by her too. Whatever Teal'c wanted; he deserved that, and more.
Her fingertips softly caressed the entrance to his now unneeded womb, and the feel of it fascinated Sam. She bent her head to kiss him there, smoothing her lips over the joins. Her breath was a whisper of promise on his long deprived, muscular flesh, and Teal'c moaned with pleasure.
This was a Jaffa erogenous zone? It hadn't occurred to her that Jaffa might have different erogenous zones to humans. Should she ask? She looked up towards his face and saw that she didn't need to. The ecstasy in his expression spoke for him.
So, deciding to be guided by his reaction, she started to undo his pants while continuing to kiss his stomach, pushing her hand into his crotch. He grunted and one of his large hands brushed through her hair as he watched her through hooded eyes. When she grasped the organ that all men have in common, he grabbed her hair and pulled sharply.
"Samantha," he whispered and she paused, meeting his eyes with a query.
"Is this all right, Teal'c? I-I'm not sure." She was nervous, not knowing what might please her would be lover, and uncertain of her actions when what they did was simultaneously both so right and so wrong.
"Don't stop," he whispered, his breath quickening with desire.
So, she continued her seduction, and then Teal'c joined in, taking control and making love to her just as she had wanted.
Major General Jack O'Neill was trying to concentrate on the budget meeting, but wasn't finding it easy. While a necessary evil, the meeting was as dull as they came here in DC, and O'Neill had a lot on his mind.
However grateful he was that the Asgard planned to pass on their vast knowledge and superior technology to what they called the fifth race, he found the idea that they were about to commit mass suicide truly disturbing. It had been playing on his mind ever since he'd received the Odyssey's initial report about their rendezvous with the ancient race.
To Jack, it seemed like the Asgard had been around almost forever, and he liked the little grey guys, particularly Thor. Losing Thor was almost like losing a friend. He knew the Asgard had many failings, and some of their encounters had been frustrating in the extreme. The experience of Loki and his clone was one example that came to mind; the fact that the Asgard hadn't been able to help as often as he would have liked because of Replicator problems was another.
They had saved Earth's butt, however, and his as an individual, many times. Jack could have died eaten by metallic bugs on a Russian sub many years ago; he could have died frozen in Antarctica after his second Ancient download; he could have died from the first download, now he came to think about it. O'Neill owed them a lot on a personal level.
That they would no longer exist just seemed wrong on so many levels. It made Jack feel alone in a vast universe filled with both enemies and friends. They would never find allies that were the like of the Asgard again. He would mourn their passing.
The Asgard were currently helping the SGC fulfill one of its prime objectives in a big way; obtaining alien technologies that would help them to defeat their enemies - cool! No doubt, the Odyssey would return with enough advanced technology to keep the scientists of Earth occupied for years to come. Sam would so love that. She'd probably disappear up her own ass in an effort to learn from what they received. Who knows what that could lead to?
O'Neill had to admit the idea of gaining all that bright shiny technology both pleased and disturbed him, and it wasn't simply because the Asgard had to die and bequeath it to them in their wills for Earth to get hold of it. He wanted big guns, and other advances, as much as the next man, if not more, but humanity were getting a gift that Jack thought might be a double edged sword.
There was something discomforting about the notion of human advances without human effort. Over the years, he'd gained some sympathy for the view that humanity weren't ready for what their allies might provide in terms of technological advance. He fought for years to try and get exactly that, and maybe they deserved it or maybe they didn't, but getting it handed over on a silver platter might have consequences none of them could even imagine. Life on Earth, and in the universe, could change irrevocably as a result and he wasn't certain all change was a good thing.
Could Earth be trusted with such advances? Since he'd been in DC, Jack had become more aware than ever of political power, connivance and machinations. Some guys were good, and some were bad, even when they thought they were good. Humanity was far from perfect, and evil outcomes in use of technology were just as likely as good ones. He'd already known that, of course, but his work in DC had truly brought it home. So, O'Neill had nagging doubts about the trust issue.
But when didn't he have problems with trust? People had to earn trust and he didn't give it lightly. That was a fundamental to the always suspicious Jack O'Neill. The Asgard were trusting that Earth would use their technology wisely, and Jack wasn't sure they were on the money with that one. On the other hand, the little grey guys had little choice. Who else could they bequeath such technology to? Did they just waste all their advances and bury them with their whole dying race?
This was a conundrum for O'Neill and he wondered how much fighting he'd have to do over the coming years to keep humanity from erring towards what could be one heck of a dark side. Wrong hands, right hands. Misuse of Asgard knowledge could destroy them all, even while serving humanity well. Such thoughts made him shudder, and all he could do was his best to mitigate the bad - his idea of bad anyway. And what would make him so right and righteous? Most of his nagging questions and doubts had no easy answers. Crap!
Whatever, he was going to miss the Asgard. So they had been a pain in the ass sometimes - all that getting caught unawares and beamed up in the middle of something important, sheesh! O'Neill smiled to himself at the memories that thought provoked. So many good memories; bad too, but the good ones outweighed the bad right now. He knew more thinking around the subject was required, and he so longed to talk to Sam about it. She'd know what to say; she'd make him feel better.
Jack had to admit he envied her. At least she was getting a chance to say goodbye to their old friends. He figured their passing would sadden her too, and resolved to find a way to cheer her up when she got home - to cheer them both up. They could have a lot of fun with that mutual comfort thing, he thought fondly. Meanwhile, he had to cope with the notion of loss on his own, wishing he was with Landry and SG-1 on the Odyssey to say those goodbyes that would forever remain unspoken.
"What about you, General O'Neill?" a voice said, breaking into his thoughts. Jack turned his steely eyes towards the source, a petty minded bureaucrat who knew all about figures but nothing about reality. His mind turned back to the meeting when he would far rather have been "out there", living an old life and even older dreams. Life could be such a bitch.
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What a lover Teal'c turned out to be, with a tenderness and care Sam might never have guessed from his size and strength. That first time was awkward and tentative, with the mighty Jaffa warrior displaying a shy nervousness that equaled her own, but Teal'c was generous and giving, his large hands soft and gentle, his mouth supple and compliant.
The big man's hands and muscles weren't the only things about the Jaffa that were large. Sam worried she would be unable to accommodate his size, but he took his time, allowing her to get used to his unfamiliar width and length, his lovemaking considerate, slow and loving.
It wouldn't always be thus. Over what became almost a lifetime spent together, their sex lives were very active - or at least in those earlier years before old age and companionable familiarity caught up with Samantha Carter, if not Teal'c - sometimes soft and affectionate, sometimes hard and furious. They were adventurous and got to know each other intimately, both in mind and body.
Their affair continued for many years without the others ever knowing. Perhaps they might have suspected, but the pair showed no outward public signs of their entanglement. They came together secretly, appearing to be simply close friends. It was unlikely the others gave Sam and Teal'c that much thought as nothing appeared unusual on the surface.
As it happened, the affair finally came out by accident. Hank Landry was ill and they all thought he would die. Sure, they could deal with emergencies -they knew first aid and could treat injuries incurred on a battlefield, but none of them had proper medical training or knew how to combat illness or disease.
The general had a fever, high temperature, was wildly rambling, off his head. None of them knew for sure what was wrong with him. All they could do was treat him with antibiotics, care for him, mop his fevered brow, and hope. But hope was something that was in short supply by then.
They looked to Sam to cure him. Out of all of them, she had more experience, had worked closely with SGC doctors many times, so they seemed to think she could manage it. The weight, the guilt, rested heavily on her shoulders. If she could have found a way home, this wouldn't be happening in the first place. She hadn't done that and now they expected her to work a miracle and cure the general.
Sam was fully aware they were all aging and the general was older then the rest of them, excluding Teal'c, who you couldn't really count in this context. The likelihood was that they would all die here, marooned on the ship with no hope of escape or assistance. All things being equal, Landry was likely to be the first loss. His illness brought that home to them in no uncertain terms, and no one knew or felt it as keenly as Sam. When this had started, none of them had conceived they might become trapped and isolated in a twilight zone betwixt death and living, and she was responsible for that predicament.
As it turned out, Landry didn't die then. More by good luck than good management, Sam stumbled on a cure and he would go on to live for many more years. But during those days when he seemed closer to dying than living, Sam and Teal'c's secret relationship was revealed.
Frustrated and upset by her efforts, which didn't seem to be helping the general, Sam cursed, throwing her cup at the wall of their communal living quarters in a fit of pique. Coffee splattered everywhere, the dark brown liquid running down the dull grey wall, and she got up and began to pace, raging at herself. The colloquial language she used was like nothing the others could recall hearing from her lips before, and her anger was worsening rather than abating as she stomped around the room, seemingly oblivious of their presence.
The others stared at her in shock and amazement, unsure how to handle such a situation with Sam - all except for Teal'c. He rose from his chair and took hold of her. For a while, she beat at him with her fists, calling him all kinds of names that surprised the rest - all except for Teal'c. Their companions weren't aware of it, but he and Sam had been down this road before, many times. Teal'c knew what to do, allowing her to vent her anger on him, all the while stoically still and silent and waiting for her fury to die.
"Oh, Teal'c," she cried, suddenly going limp in his arms, her head sinking to his chest and sobbing against it as his arms enfolded her comfortingly; just as they had so many times over the years. The Jaffa warrior caressed her back, his eyes filled with deep affection that could so easily be read as more than that. He whispered soothing words in her ear until she had calmed and stilled, although her shoulders still shook slightly as she continued to sob almost silently.
Daniel Jackson stared at them with mouth agog. The flash of realization was so blindingly obvious that he wondered how he could have failed to miss the signs. Sam and Teal'c might have guessed he would be the one to both realize the implications and to say something.
"Is there something going on that we don't know about?" he asked bluntly, his tone slightly irate. Daniel was still in denial with disbelief, not wanting to believe, but the evidence of his eyes told him the truth without asking. However, he needed confirmation of his fears, not wishing to accuse his friends if he was wrong.
Teal'c pressed Sam to him tighter and eyed his old friend. "Of what do you speak, Daniel?" After all this time, Daniel Jackson was also deserving of having his forename spoken as a friend.
Daniel peered at Teal'c and Sam kept her head buried, her tears stopped short by the surprise of his probing question. She didn't dare pull away to observe the exchange.
"Y-you two. You seem, I don't know, you seem." he shrugged helplessly, uncertain of his ground and unwilling to make an accusation that might not be true.
"I think what Daniel is trying to say is that you two look pretty close, like more than friends might look," Vala intervened on behalf of her partner, catching on quickly.
Sam pulled away from Teal'c then, hastily, shaking her head as if refuting such a notion, and to her lover it felt like a rejection of all they had become to each other. Although he was aware of their pact to remain silent about the relationship, the rebuff didn't hurt any the less because of that knowledge. Never having wanted to lie to their friends outright, and never having needed to until this day, he believed the time had come to embrace the truth and reveal their secret. Nevertheless, his own words were those of denial, supportive of Sam's obvious desire to keep up the pretence.
"You have a vivid imagination," he asserted, trying to dismiss the pain of her emphatic denial without success. Until today, Teal'c hadn't realized how much such a rejection might hurt. He hadn't needed to think about it. His gut knotted disconcertingly, and his heart quickened within his broad chest.
Bolstered by Vala's intervention, Daniel narrowed his eyes at Teal'c suspiciously and came right out with it. "I don't think so. There's just something. something in your eyes, your stance, your body language."
Sam looking towards Teal'c, and they met each other's eyes with a mutual question. Did they admit to this affair? Both were reluctant to lie, but they had made a pact, and Sam did not wish to be the one to break it. They had made the promise for Teal'c's sake, and Jack's, but that had been long ago.
In Sam's eyes, Teal'c read her answer with a small amount of relief, the unpleasant and disturbing feeling that had grabbed his gut easing slightly. He had learned to read her well during their years together. She said it was his choice, his decision. Deciding not to compound his lie, he took a deep breath to steel himself for their reaction.
"Samantha and I are lovers," he said simply.
"You what?" This stunned response came from Cameron Mitchell, who hadn't really been listening up to that point, distracted by his own thoughts about their predicament and the general's illness.
"Oh, how delightful!" Vala exclaimed with a grin.
Daniel kept his own counsel, ruminating and trying to take it in before reacting.
Face still streaked with tears, Sam peered at Daniel trying to discern his thoughts. In some ways, she was relieved it was out in the open at last, but she dreaded his reaction above all.
"More than just lovers. Way more," she said, looking from one to the other of their companions. The bad feeling in Teal'c's gut calmed further, and he tried to capture Sam's eyes again, needing reassurance and wanting to provide her with it too. Her apparent refusal to look in his direction and meet his eyes perturbed him, despite her words, and the troubled feeling returned.
"Um. how long has that been going on?" Daniel asked, still keeping any feeling he might have on the subject very much to himself.
It bothered Sam that she couldn't read him. Thoughts focused on him, rather than her lover, she failed to pick up on Teal'c's confusion and pain.
"Many years," Teal'c replied, and Sam approached Daniel, touching his arm.
"Are you angry?" she asked, distressed when he shrugged her off.
"I don't know what to think." He shook his head, lips pursed in thought.
"We've been here a very long time, Daniel," she said, stating the obvious, she knew, but feeling the need for some justification. Out of all their companions, Daniel would likely be the one to feel that betrayal on behalf of his friend Jack. Eventually, he spoke again.
"How could I have missed it? How could you have kept it secret for so long? You should have told me."
"We had good reasons not to do so," Teal'c said.
"Jack," Daniel responded with a nod. The reasons were obvious, but this situation gave him much to think about: how Jack would feel if he knew; their betrayal of Sam's husband and Teal'c's friend; their lack of trust in him. It hurt that they had never told him, even though he knew why and mainly because he knew why. "I need to think," he said, turning and exiting the room quickly.
"Daniel!" Sam called, making a move to follow him. Her lover's strong hands grasped her to stop her leaving.
"He needs time, Samantha. Give him that."
"We've hurt him, Teal'c. I would never have wanted to do that."
"He feels betrayed, for himself and for O'Neill. That is only natural, is it not?"
Sam hung her head, feeling ashamed about the relationship for the first time in quite a while; and guilty because they had hurt Daniel by keeping their secret from him.
Her feelings of shame were apparent to Teal'c and ate at him, enhancing his pain. He had no desire to feel ashamed of a relationship that meant so much to him, and didn't want her to feel it either. Why should they feel shame after all this time?
Teal'c was no longer certain regret and betrayal were words that should be relevant when it came to him and Sam. They had been together for a long time, many more years than she had been with O'Neill. This was logical in his head, but his heart told him a different story.
Placing his arm around Sam's shoulder supportively, he was deeply hurt when she shrugged it off. Her shame served to emphasize his and her rejection stung. Did all those years together amount to nothing? He questioned how important he was to Samantha, hating that doubt and what it made him feel.
Noticing the uneasy reactions of the pair, and regretting the hasty departure of her partner, Vala smiled too brightly and toothily, feeling the need to intervene again. "Well, I think it's great. I'm so pleased for you. Daniel will be fine. I'll go find him in a minute, when he's calmed down. Have a little chat and make him see that it's okay."
"That might not be so easy," responded Teal'c. "You are not O'Neill's friend as he is. And perhaps you do not feel as he does about us keeping this secret for so many years."
Vala's smile disappeared, replaced by a frown. She opened her mouth to speak but, before she said anything, Sam interrupted. "Vala, he needs us to talk to him about this, don't you think?" She chewed on her bottom lip apprehensively and Vala nodded with apparent reluctance.
"I'm betting you'll find him in the library. He spends a lot of time in there," she said.
"Indeed."
Although upset and confused, Sam couldn't help but smile faintly when Teal'c spoke that word; one she had heard hundreds of times over the years. It could mean nothing and absolutely everything. She felt a sudden urge to kiss his cheek, but refrained, pondering what to do about Daniel. Such a kiss might have eased Teal'c's heartache, but she was totally unaware of how he suffered, still focused on Daniel's reactions.
Cam's expression was still one of stunned amazement. He pointed a finger at them, aiming it first at one and then the other. "Y-you mean you two. As my grandma might have said, talk about being dark horses." He grinned inanely. "Well I'll be."
"It's probably us who will be damned, Cam," Sam retorted, causing Teal'c's heart to stutter, his sorrow clear in his normally impassive expression, if only she had taken the trouble to look. "I think I'll go find Daniel."
She left the room without a second glance at her lover, whose hurt feelings made his head reel with emotion. The reaction should not have surprised him, but it did, catching him unawares. He hadn't given any conscious thought to his feelings for Samantha Carter/O'Neill for a long time. The relationship had been long, and he had come to take her presence in his life almost for granted.
They had become very close, he knew that, but apparently not as close as he wished. He cared for Samantha deeply and now feared the public knowledge of their affair would take her from him; that she would be too ashamed to continue. His gut tightened further.
They had not discussed O'Neill for many years, so he could almost forget she belonged to another. But, despite those years as lovers, now he did consider it, Teal'c did not doubt that she still loved her husband. The haunting music played on her cello still spoke of that love and loss. He had assumed, however, that she loved him too, maybe not in the same way, but enough. Now he wasn't so sure.
"I will follow," he said, making up his mind that he should cast such thoughts aside for now and support her with Daniel. They would talk later, they must. His heart and life depended on that, and what she might say. Daniel first.
Watching his retreat, once he left, Vala turned to Cam. "Well, that was awkward."
"You sure can say that again."
"Well, that was awkward," she repeated with a teasing smirk. Cam rolled his eyes: been there, done that, seen the movie repeatedly, and got millions of t-shirts, he thought. Too long stuck on this tub.
"I'm going for a run," he replied, leaving Vala alone to go and change.
When he left, the solitary Vala turned to look out of the window, a small tear coursing down her cheek. She liked the old general, and was going to miss him if they lost him. Turning back, she made her way to his room to see how he was doing and give him the succor the others were too preoccupied to provide.
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Jack twirled the delicate bracelet around in his hands, thinking about his wife. Sam was going to love this, and he looked forward to the opportunity of giving her the gift. In fact, he looked forward to seeing his wife again, when she got back from her trip on the Odyssey with all that bright and shiny technology.
He hoped he'd be able to pull her away. All that science could distract Sam; she'd lose track of time, and him. It was bad enough that they spent so much time apart, with him in DC and her in the Springs, but when she got deeply involved with a scientific puzzle, prizing her away could be downright difficult, to say the least.
O'Neill had good cause to appreciate that deep involvement. That brilliant scientific brain of hers had saved his butt, and Earth, many times over the years. She'd brought him home when he had been lost; and got herself home when she had been too. She'd resolved puzzles with Janet Fraiser that had saved their lives more than once. She'd blown up suns, destroyed universes. He would always remain grateful that she had walked through that briefing room door and become a member of his team, despite his initial doubts about scientists. But he could lose her to that science sometimes, and that could piss him off a little.
Sam loved him, Jack knew that. It wasn't that she didn't want them to spend time together; it was just that she loved her work. That was something Jack could relate to and have a lot of sympathy with. He wouldn't want his wife to be any different. He'd fallen in love with that woman, and the so much more she had become since they'd embarked on their relationship and marriage. He loved her to bits, every little thing about her; except the really, really annoying things of course. But he figured he had his really, really annoying points too; probably many of them.
Taking a sip of his scotch, O'Neill briefly looked around the living room of the place he currently called home. There were "things" in the room that made it more homely: medals on the wall; pictures of him with Sam and with Charlie; comfortable chairs and the over large settee that you could sink into after a hard day's work. Lots of possessions, sure, but it would never truly be home without Sam to share it with, not anymore.
Jack had got used to being alone. He'd spent years practicing after Charlie had died and Sara had left him. It had been hard to get used to it, one of the hardest things he'd ever had to face in his life, but he'd managed. He'd even been vaguely happy alone, despite the solitude of life outside the SGC. Sure, he'd had friends, and not just the people he worked with.
The friends who had stuck by him, despite his sullen moodiness after Charlie's death; the new friends he had made in Colorado, playing poker, fishing, in bars, what and wherever; the friends who worked in the mountain and who had demonstrated that friendship in so many ways that soothed and comforted his aloneness. Despite all of them, he had been a solitary, and lonely, man.
Sam had transformed that life and the man who had lived it almost no longer existed. The day they had decided to start dating, the day he'd finally plucked up the courage to ask, had changed everything. Now they were married, happy together, comfortable and relaxed as a couple, as husband and wife, as best friends and companions.
Jack had never been sure it would work between them. It was one thing to yearn secretly for it, for her, but the reality had the huge risk of being different to the dream; a dream that had taken very many years to become reality. He had never been sure they weren't too different, weren't too much of a fantasy, that it hadn't been too late. Not until it happened. When it finally happened, it had become so much more than anything Jack could ever have hoped or dreamed for.
He loved her madly, always would and knew it, and he was missing her like crazy.
'No need to be alone anymore, O'Neill,' he told himself. 'Even when she isn't around.'
He tried to convince himself of that and, to some extent, it was true. But having her in the same room, touching her, talking to her, sitting with her in contented silences; all of that was better than being alone - anytime, anywhere.
Sometimes Jack simply watched her. He watched her move around the room, watched her tapping madly at the keyboard of her laptop, watched her watching TV, watched the millions of little things she did, the actions she took. When he watched, Jack would smile to himself, thinking what a lucky son of a bitch he was to have found a woman he could spend the rest of his life with. A woman who loved him and who he could love in return, a woman whose simple presence in the same room could elicit feelings he thought he'd lost forever. She was truly awesome, truly wonderful - a soul mate he had never really hoped to find again.
So, he watched, filled with love and awe, and sometimes she would catch him watching. He no longer had to feel embarrassed when she caught him. He had been once, but never again. When she caught him, she would smile with such affection it stirred Jack's heart. A smile made especially for him. Often, she would stop what she was doing and walk over to him, cupping his face in her hands and kissing him, ruffling his hair. Whatever. It felt good; it felt fantastic. He loved her for that, and more deeply all the time.
Damn it, he missed her.
Separation from the people he loved was something Jack had been used to. He was military through and through, had spent his whole life as a soldier, fighting other people's fights that were also his. He and Sara had spent so much time apart, and he'd missed too many of the little things that had signified his son growing up. A military man paid that price, and Jack considered it a price worth paying for doing what he loved as much as he loved his family.
Now the same was true for his relationship with Sam, although doubled because she was also military, doing a job she loved as much as she loved him. If she hadn't been, she probably would have moved East with him; as it was, she lived in Colorado Springs.
Jack didn't begrudge that, he truly didn't. He wouldn't want her to give up anything for him just as she wouldn't expect him to give anything up for her. It had always been so, and this had kept them apart for many years. Now, they were still apart all too frequently, even while together, but at least they were together. That knowledge, the knowledge of her love and commitment, of the fact they would be together as often as their careers permitted, was more important to Jack than almost anything else in this universe. That knowledge kept him going, and comforted him when he was alone. It comforted him now.
But, none of that stopped him missing her. Jack wished she was there, or that he was in Colorado. Not that being in Colorado would be helpful right now, because Sam wasn't there. She was millions of light years away, no doubt enjoying herself tremendously soaking up whatever she could of the Asgard technology as they incorporated it into the Odyssey and its databanks. Meanwhile, he was stuck in boring budget meetings and the like; those necessary evils of his job.
Eyeing the bracelet again, Jack began to make mental plans, plans that might mean he could greet her when she returned to the SGC and get her to himself for a few days. Major General Jack O'Neill was as good at machinations as the next man in DC, and he machinated now.
As Vala suggested, Sam found Daniel in the library, his favorite part of the whole ship. If you added it all together, he had probably spent years of time studying the records bequeathed by the Asgard. As she entered, the Asgard symbols shimmered and danced around him, and he turned briefly, pointedly ignoring her by spinning back to whatever it was he was viewing.
Sam suspected he wasn't really studying anything at all, just using this place to contemplate the bombshell she and Teal'c had dropped and sort out his thoughts and feelings. "Daniel," she said softly, approaching.
"Leave me alone, I need to think."
"We need to talk."
"Now you want to talk? You've had years to do some talking," he retorted resentfully. She could see fury in the stiffened planes of his back and tightened shoulders and, as he refused to turn and face her, she walked up behind him and placed a hand on one shoulder. Daniel shrugged it off emphatically.
"Don't you dare touch me!" he exclaimed, still refusing to face her. "Don't you dare try to make it up with me!"
Sam stepped back, stunned by the force of his ire. "Daniel, please."
"Go screw yourself. Or perhaps you should go screw Teal'c." His tone was almost pure venom, something she rarely heard in his voice, although not totally unheard of. It hurt that he spoke to her this way. They were friends. Then she figured perhaps he was right to believe they weren't. She had kept her biggest secret from him. How would she feel if the situation was reversed?
She heard the door open again and both she and Daniel turned to look. It was Teal'c.
"You can go to hell too!" Daniel snapped and Sam regarded her lover with a helpless expression.
Given his wounded feelings at Sam's earlier reaction, Teal'c wasn't sure how to respond to her. She surely had to realize she'd hurt him? He wanted to be supportive and to make amends to Daniel, to explain, but he could not bring himself to touch Sam, even in comfort. So, he walked over to join her, but stood apart and aloof.
Sam wondered why. She hadn't given any thought to the earlier revelation, except in terms of how it impacted their friend Daniel. His attitude surprised her, but she put it down to Teal'c's Jaffa stoicism.
"That might well be true, Daniel. However, hell would be preferable to losing your friendship," Teal'c replied, pulling Daniel up short. He turned now and looked at his two old friends.
"How could either of you do this to Jack? He loves both of you, but you betray him." He spat the words crossly, but it appeared to Sam his anger had abated if only a little. Maybe he was now prepared to listen.
"You believe we love him less?" asked Teal'c.
"Duh! Exactly what am I supposed to think? This would devastate him. His wife and one of his closest friends? Christ! He trusts you both, expects and deserves loyalty. That's why you kept it from me, isn't it? You know how he would feel, and how I would feel about you betraying and hurting him. You're ashamed, and you don't trust me not to say something if we ever make it back."
Sam sighed heavily, uncertain how to respond. "If either of us really believed we would ever make it back, this would never have happened, Daniel," she replied. "You think I don't love Jack? I do. He's my husband. I've missed him so much."
"Yeah, right!" Daniel said emphatically, sounding a little like her husband.
"Where time might not have passed for him, it has for us," Teal'c commented. "Many, many years. This is not a relationship we entered into lightly, Daniel Jackson."
"That just might make it worse," he retorted.
Sam was straining to hold back tears. This on top of the illness of Hank Landry was too much. She stifled a sob that both men heard clearly. Teal'c suppressed an urge to take her in his arms, and Daniel merely cast a cynical eye in her direction, seemingly unmoved.
She took a step forward, wanting to touch him, but fearing more rejection. "Daniel, please try to understand. We were both so alone and lonely. We'd been stuck here for years. How long were we supposed to wait? I'd all but given up hope of getting home, and of seeing Jack again. We both had needs -sexual, emotional. You're lucky. You have Vala. You would deny us such a relationship, some hope of happiness amongst the sorrow of loss?"
Daniel didn't reply, considering her words. He did understand need, for companionship, sex, maybe even love. Did Sam think he didn't? Maybe his rage on behalf of his friend Jack, and their lack of honesty and openness, blinded him, not letting him think straight. It was something to ponder.
When he didn't reply, Sam continued. "You think Jack might not have done the same if he'd been stuck here without me?"
"And that makes it all right?" Daniel responded, thinking if this was Jack having an affair with one of their friends he'd be just as angry on Sam's behalf.
"No, not really," she said, hanging her head in shame. The tears that had threatened for so long started to fall now, and she shook with sorrowful sobs. Teal'c still didn't make a move towards her, but he regarded Daniel angrily, his muscles tensed by his indignation that Daniel caused his lover such pain.
"How could you be so heartless, Daniel Jackson?"
"Heartless? Give me a break. It's you two who have been heartless. Betraying your friends; Jack, me."
"On whose behalf are you most angered, yours or O'Neill's?" Teal'c snapped back. "You think we do not suffer guilt and sorrow for what we have done? Of course we do, although this relationship between us has lasted longer than any Samantha had with O'Neill. We have been lovers and confidantes for a very long time; many wonderful and fulfilling years. This is not a meaningless relationship. To me it means much, even if perhaps it means less to Samantha than what she shared with O'Neill."
That observation shocked both Sam and Daniel, neither of whom had considered those implications, although they had differing thoughts about the fact. Teal'c gave them no chance to respond, his anger moving him on to speak many more words than he normally might.
"What gives you the right to condemn that, to condemn Samantha, condemn her for having feelings, for being lonely and in need? We are all far from perfect and Samantha is only human, as are you. Yet, you deliberately lash out and hurt your friend as if she has no feelings. If you wish to apportion blame, apportion it to me."
Daniel stared in disbelief at these words, tumbling out of the impassive, reticent Teal'c, so heartfelt. Rarely did the Jaffa say as much and with such feeling. He was even more stunned when Teal'c continued without much pause.
"I should have stopped it, should never have let it start. Yet I did not have the heart or courage to do so. Do you know how difficult it is to watch someone you love belong to another, love another? I was weak because when the opportunity arose I gave way to temptation, although O'Neill is my friend, has done so much for me, and I owe him my loyalty. I did something dishonorable for which I can never be forgiven, and continue to behave dishonorably because I have not the will to resist.
"Samantha wanted and needed someone to help her forget her love, loss and loneliness, if only for a while, and I wanted something I knew I would never normally have and was unworthy of. I remain unworthy of it. I know her heart and soul belongs to another and can never be mine, but still I am weak, because he is absent and I am here. So, direct your anger at me, Daniel Jackson, because Samantha does not deserve it."
The stunned disbelief of Daniel left him lost for words and his mouth hanging open as Teal'c turned on his heel and left the room. He looked at Sam, who stared after her lover, and realized she was as shocked as he was.
For Sam as much as Daniel, the outburst came as a total surprise. Neither of them had even alluded to how they might feel about the other over their many years together, and this was the first time Teal'c had given any hint of it since that first night she had asked him to become her lover.
She'd had no idea that he had felt that way about her for so long; assuming his original intimation of his feelings had referred to growing affection over the years they had been stuck on the Odyssey rather than something he had felt before they had arrived.
The long relationship had been tender and filled with affection on both sides, but many words had remained unarticulated; words that should have been spoken. Sam realized she had been stupid not to recognize their mutual warmth and comfort meant so much more than she had ever intended them to have between them when their affair had started. She had refused to see what was right in front of her nose.
Knowing she had to deal with that, deal with Teal'c, and not certain how, she decided she had to settle things with Daniel first. Maybe she shouldn't expect him to take this in and accept it so quickly. Maybe he needed more time. She looked up into his eyes and saw more understanding there than previously and her heart leapt with hope.
"I don't know what to say, Sam," he said.
"Neither do I. Don't blame Teal'c. It's my fault, not his. I approached him, not the other way around. He's the one who doesn't deserve your anger, Daniel. Please forgive him even if you can't forgive me."
Still uncertain what to say about the relationship in terms of how he felt for Jack, and for himself, Daniel changed tack, much of his anger dissipated by Teal'c's unexpected and long speech. These two people were his friends as much as Jack was, and his heart went out to them now he allowed himself to consider their situation further.
To spend so many years feeling guilt about Jack, about not telling their friends, must have been hard. He didn't know how they had stood it, but it must have seemed worth it to both of them, perhaps for different reasons.
"So, you've been together a long time, huh? He really loves you, Sam," he said in the end, seeing confusion and distress in her face.
She sighed, scrubbing her hand over her scalp and through her hair. "So it seems. He's never told me that. I knew he had feelings, but."
"Not how deep they ran?"
"No."
They fell silent, looking at each other but unmoving. Daniel seemed deep in thought, and Sam didn't want to break into those thoughts. She still wanted to win his heart and mind and knew that, now he was calmer, Daniel could rationalize, maybe even empathize, given time for thought. Sam didn't want to lose his friendship because of her relationship with Teal'c. It would break all their hearts.
"Do you love him?" Daniel asked eventually and she smiled thinly, not having to give her answer much thought.
"Yes. But, I still love Jack too. Is that so wrong?"
Daniel shook his head. "No, Sam." He approached, holding out his arms, wanting a truce, wanting to make up. She fell into those open arms and swayed in them, her head aching with all the thoughts buzzing around -thoughts of Teal'c, of her beloved husband, of Daniel, betrayal, love and confusion.
"I'm sorry I hurt you, Sam. Yes, I was angry, but I'm not angry anymore. You deserve some happiness. You deserve someone to live a life with. You sacrificed that for long enough when you fell for Jack."
"I'm sorry too, Daniel. I should have told you about Teal'c and me a long time ago, and wish I had, but I promised Teal'c. It was important to keep that promise. I know he feels that betrayal of Jack's friendship bitterly. He would never have done anything to betray Jack, or any of you, if I hadn't asked him to. I realize he feels he has dishonored himself but I didn't know he felt so unworthy. I guess I should have known. Shit! What do I do?"
"You know what I think?" Daniel asked rhetorically, stroking her back soothingly. "I think life's too short. I think Jack would say the same thing. If he knew, it would hurt him deeply, sure, but I think he'd get it. Life is for living, Sam. We only get one shot and we have to make the most of it. I think you ought to find Teal'c and tell him how you feel, tell him he is worthy."
"How?"
"I don't know. But he is worthy, isn't he? Surely it can't be that hard."
"He's one of the worthiest people I know. One of the best." She sighed regretfully. "So many things keep going through my head. I think I might have hurt him when I didn't mean to. Now I think about it, there was something about him, his reaction... I was so alert to your reaction that I wasn't really noticing his, but I saw; I just didn't understand..."
Chuckling slightly she added, "Jack always did say I think too much, over think." She squeezed Daniel affectionately and looked into his eyes. "I do love Jack. I would never want to hurt him; you know that, don't you?" Daniel nodded, his lips turning upwards into a faint smile. "But I never wanted to hurt Teal'c either."
"He's a good man, Sam."
"They both are."
"Yes, they are," he agreed. "But Teal'c is here and Jack isn't. I know how much you must have missed him, and how much his loss must have broken your heart. You were right that I'm lucky to have Vala. Maybe I need to tell her that, just like you need to tell Teal'c. Mischance brought us together but something else keeps us together, doesn't it?"
She grinned, knowing he now understood. She was forgiven, or something close to it, as was Teal'c. A weight lifted from her shoulders, but the heavy burden that remained nagged at her. Teal'c. Daniel was right; she had to tell Teal'c how she felt.
"I'll go look for Teal'c," she said, easing out of Daniel's arms, and he nodded agreement as she turned to leave. At the doorway, she turned back to look at him. "Thank you Daniel."
"For what?" he asked, a smile on his face that puckered up his nose and brought back many old memories.
"For friendship. For being Daniel Jackson."
He laughed lightly. "I guess that's one thing I'll always be; Daniel Jackson."
"Yeahsureyabetchya," she replied, sounding like her husband. "I wouldn't have it any other way." Then she turned away and was gone, leaving Daniel with a grin on his face.
He turned back to the library controls and switched them off, determining to find Vala and give her a great big hug. He figured there were some things he needed to say, and she needed to hear. As he left the room, he was whistling, causing Mitchell to pause in his run as they met in the corridor, and stare after him with an envious heart.
Sam looked everywhere she could think of for Teal'c. How did you lose such a large man on such a relatively small ship? At least it felt very small after all this time, shrinking with each passing year. Frustrated, she decided to give up and look again later. He must be playing avoidance, and if so maybe now was not the right time. Returning to her cabin, she was surprised to find him there waiting.
"Teal'c!" she gasped and he stood up to greet her, bowing formally.
"Samantha."
His expression told her nothing while his manner told her much. She'd wounded him more deeply than she had supposed. Sam wanted to take him in her arms, say sorry, say almost anything, but his cool properness was disheartening.
"I was looking for you," she said, not sure what else to say. Studying him, she tried to find a way in, but could not.
"Indeed?" He was stiff and awkward, which made Sam feel uncomfortable, and she searched for something to break the eerie formality.
"Daniel seems okayish about us now, I think," she told him for want of something better to say.
"But we are not... okay."
Sam gasped with shock, wanting to scream that they were, but she didn't. "Is that what you think?" she asked instead, and started to chew her bottom lip nervously, her demeanor edgy. He said nothing, simply standing rigidly, staring in silence. "Say something, Teal'c," she pleaded, taking a small step towards him, but pausing uncertainly.
"What do you wish me to say?" he asked stiffly, akin to the Teal'c she had known many years before, when they had first formed SG-1. She shivered, remembering.
Teal'c had seemed so formidable, so cold and forbidding. Jack had shocked Sam when he suggested he become a member of SG-1. Although at the time she didn't know her CO well, that he wanted a former enemy to be a member of his team didn't seem to be his style. But Jack had been right to have that faith borne from so little evidence, and that faith had paid off.
The two men had recognized something in each other. For Teal'c this had meant betraying someone he had ostensibly been loyal to for an age, and abandoning his family to save SG-1 on his flimsy evidence that O'Neill and the Tauri gave his people hope and potential for freedom. For Jack, what he saw in the Jaffa that saved them was something he could immediately trust and have faith in, that the warrior could help them in a war for which they were ill prepared.
Over those years, Teal'c had proved himself time and again, confirming Jack's judgment, faith and trust. And, while remaining so intrinsically alien, he became more humanized. What he learned from his Tauri friends tempered his hard strength and unforgiving resolve. He became a man she could trust and respect completely and someone who honored them all by fighting at their side. And latterly, he became a man she could love and grow old with.
As she pondered how to respond, Sam looked around her cabin. She had made it more informal by creating fabrics and wall hangings to break the monotony. Although it looked nothing like her home, with none of the familiarity Teal'c's candles gave to his accommodation, it was far more comfortable and homey than the original unrelenting dull grayness. Tearing her eyes away from the walls, and looking directly at Teal'c, she spoke up at last.
"I don't know what I want you to say, just tell me what you're thinking, what you're feeling."
At first, he didn't answer, staring at her with a neutral expression, but wondering what she was thinking. She seemed agitated and upset and his heart stirred, but when he spoke, it was with disturbing candor.
"That perhaps this relationship should end." She was horror struck and he continued, seemingly oblivious. "Daniel Jackson is correct, is he not? This is wrong. How much longer can we live with guilt festering like sores in our minds? Guilt and regret."
"You regret us?" To Sam's ears, her voice sounded small and childlike. His words were mortifying. How could he regret the close bond they had forged? They were good together; they had touched each other's souls.
"You do not?"
"No!" she cried emphatically. "I'm sorry if I hurt you, Teal'c, sorry for the guilt that eats at you, at both of us, but I don't regret a single moment of loving you." She kept her eyes fixed firmly on his face and, if she hadn't, might have missed him recoil with shock. An emotional reaction at last, she thought, as his eyes widened in surprise.
"Loving me? You cannot love me when you belong to another," he replied in a tone of disbelief.
Teal'c wasn't convinced you really could love two people at the same time, but then he remembered Drey'auc and Shan'auc. He had still loved his wife, despite everything, when he had fallen again for his older love, Shan'auc, renouncing what he held most dear for his desire to join her. And Samantha Carter would not lie to him about such a thing, that he knew with certainty because he trusted her completely. His heart thumped rapidly with excitement and hope.
"Oh, Teal'c, you are so wrong," Sam protested in response to his denial, stepping a little closer. She saw something in his eyes that made her believe she was breaking through, and prayed she was right. "I do love you. I know I've never told you, but you never told me how you felt either. I wish I had told you. You've been a big part of my life for such a long time. You've been everything. What would I have done without you?"
Once again, she stepped closer, but didn't quite bridge the gap. At least he hadn't backed away or rebuffed her, which surely had to tell her something. Perhaps she was too desperately looking for signs that Teal'c was coming around.
"And O'Neill?" he queried after a silent pause. To Sam, the moments seemed to move almost in slow motion; it was discombobulating. Her response was hesitant, but she had to be honest with Teal'c. He deserved that, although she hoped her words would not hurt him further and increase the distance between them.
"He's still in my heart, of course he is, I can't deny that, or him, and I don't think you'd want me to. But I haven't seen him for a very long time, and you've been here right by my side. I don't want either of us to regret that. You don't understand how important you are to me. I should have made sure you knew that. Don't throw away this special time we've spent together just because I'm an idiot, please."
"You are not an idiot, Samantha," he replied with a ghost of a smile.
Sam grinned, grasping his arm and relieved when he moved his hand to cradle hers. "Can we kiss and make up now?" she asked, more confident now.
"Indeed," he answered, his faint smile broadening.
If Teal'c had been given to winking mockingly, he probably would have done so. She tilted her head up, closing her eyes in expectation of the kiss that would seal the deal, and he obliged, pulling her closer with one arm placed around her back, and gently grasping her face with the other hand. His fingers smoothed over her cheek as he deepened the kiss, and Sam felt a frisson of desire spark through her, returning his embrace, and responding to the kiss in kind. She was gasping when they came up for air.
"I believe I would like to make love to you, Samantha Carter," he said, his eyes burning with the heat of want and need.
"Can I make love back?" she asked with an affectionate smirk.
"I believe I would like that as well."
The days of their more frantic lovemaking were behind the couple; Sam was old now, less agile and energetic, even if Teal'c didn't seem to be. To an ageing Sam, having Teal'c as her lover was like having a toy boy because, although in years he was far older, in body he remained a far younger man. And this particular lovemaking was special, filled with feeling that neither had previously fully expressed: deliciously slow, loving, and fulfilling -providing peace of both body and mind.
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O'Neill had to admit it always bothered him when Sam was out there on missions and in potential danger. He didn't let it dominate their lives, he would drive both of them nuts if he did that, but it bothered him nonetheless. It had bothered him from the first day SG-1 had gone off world without him after his promotion to CO of the SGC. He'd worried about all of them, his old team, every single time he let them go. Would they make it back this time? If they didn't, would they have if he had been there? It continued bothered him now, all this time later. That Sam was now his wife only served to enhance his disquiet.
Occasionally, he allowed himself to ponder that she might not make it home. He didn't like thinking about that, but sometimes he couldn't help it. Jack had to prepare for the eventuality.
Frankly, he found the notion depressing. Even with any personal feelings set aside, when Sam had simply been a member of his team, he knew he would have felt her loss keenly. He would have felt the loss of any of his team, and still would. O'Neill was deeply distressed when any member of the SGC died, let alone someone he was close to. Now Sam was his wife, the reality he could lose her that way was unspeakable. This was why he generally avoided thinking about it - when he could avoid it.
Sam had become such an integral part of his life. To lose her now would be unbearable, even though Jack knew he would bear it. He would have to. The only other option would be dying and, although he had been to that dark suicidal place already, after Charlie had died, Jack never wanted to go there again. It wasn't right. Living was right, no matter what. Besides, Sam would be so mad if he died because of her. She'd kick his butt.
She would want him to live and he would, eventually, albeit without the woman who now meant more to him than any other living being. It would be hard to adjust back to becoming that solitary lonely man again, but he would do it, even though his heart would break.
The truth was, he'd got used to having Sam around, used to having her as his wife, sharing life with her in a way they had never shared when they were just CO and subordinate. He would miss that terribly if he lost it now.
They might not spend as much time together as he would have liked, but the time they did spend together was special; not just to him but to both of them. He knew that with a certainty he rarely felt about anything linked to matters of the heart. And they shared so much, more than he had ever believed he would share with another human being again. He loved sharing with her as much as he loved her. She shared with him too. He'd learned so much about the real Sam, the Sam behind the Captain, Major and Colonel Carter he'd grown to love.
She'd turned out to be different to what he had imagined, but different in a good way. Jack couldn't necessarily list or define those differences, but they existed, and they made him love her even more.
He'd be lost without that deep love and dependency. Although he might sometimes hate admitting the dependency part, it existed too. In all truth, he couldn't deny that. The dependence wasn't really a bad thing, it was good. Deep down, he kind of liked it. A husband should depend on a wife, and vice versa. Jack had to admit, however, that Sam would probably cope better without him than he would without her, although he was sure she would deny it.
O'Neill had realized she was stronger than he was in so many ways. That had been a surprise, and difficult to admit to, but it was true nonetheless. While working together, he'd considered her a strong person, of course he had, but he hadn't realized quite how tough she could be - enough for both of them.
He figured it had something to do with being a woman. All that weaker sex crap was just that - crap. Sara had been stronger too. By the time he'd married Sam, Jack had forgotten that simple fact, only to discover it again once they'd grown increasingly intimate, and shared so much.
If he lost her now, having no one to share with anymore would be what he missed most of all. Jack had friends, but that kind of sharing just wasn't the same as the intimate sharing of husband and wife; and Jack wasn't thinking of sexual sharing, but of all the little and big things a husband and wife shared.
Daniel would be there for him if the worst happened, Jack knew that; assuming his friend made it back alive in any eventuality where she didn't. If that ever happened, Daniel would be heart broken too, in his very different way, but he would probably stop Jack from going insane; and maybe himself too, as a result.
Jack would probably get heartily sick of Daniel in those circumstances, even while he'd be grateful. His friend could be dogged and determined when he wanted, to the point of being infuriatingly pushy. No doubt, Jack would try to shut him out. If there was one thing O'Neill knew about how he dealt with loss, it was that.
He'd withdrawn from Sara after Charlie, and he would try to withdraw from his archeologist friend as well. This was how Jack dealt with loss and pain, turned in on himself, suffered alone. When Charlie had died, he needn't have suffered alone. Sara had needed him, and he had needed her, they could have helped each other, but Jack hadn't been able reach out to her; he couldn't accept his need. He didn't deserve consolation from Sara or anyone else when he was responsible for the death of their son.
Daniel's persistence in similar circumstances would probably pay off -eventually. Jack would rely on that Doctor Jackson tenacity that could irritate him so much. Ironic, really.
Teal'c would probably hang around too, offering his own brand of friendship; the quite, unobtrusive kind. Jack liked that about Teal'c. He liked a lot of things about his Jaffa friend. They had much in common, in so many ways a lot more than he and Daniel. Teal'c's muted tranquility could be very soothing.
His wife was in good hands with Teal'c. Jack knew that. The Jaffa would watch her back; keep her safe if he possibly could and stand by her if the going got tough. To O'Neill, that was as close as he could get to being there himself. The wily warrior was a good man, and he cared deeply about the rest of his team, especially Sam and Daniel. No man could ask for better than Teal'c, and Jack was pleased he was around to keep his beady, skilled eyes on SG-1.
The buzzer on his office intercom sounded just as O'Neill was admonishing himself for having such morbid thoughts. Sam would be fine; he should stop worrying and think about something else. The noise caused him to start with surprise, and then he answered as if he hadn't been caught off-guard while ruminating.
"Yes, Major," he said to his aide.
"You asked me to arrange a meeting with General Andrews, sir. I'm afraid he's down at Peterson. He'll be down that way for a few days."
Jack smirked. He loved it when a plan came together. A brief moment of fantasy sparked from the thought as he remembered the old TV show, "The 'A' Team", and imagined him in the Hannibal Smith role and his old SG-1 team mates as the rest of the team. Very apt, he thought; the good guys, always winning in the end. A fleeting image of Teal'c weighed down with all that gold BA bling almost made him laugh aloud.
"Really?" he replied in an innocent tone, as if he hadn't already known the General was there. "It's important we meet soon. Arrange for us to get together at Peterson will you? I'll fly down. While I'm there I'll pay a little visit to the SGC, see how they're managing without Hank Landry."
His aide smiled to herself. 'And drop in on your wife too, no doubt,' she thought, amused that her boss believed he was kidding anyone.
"Yes, sir," she responded. "Is tomorrow soon enough?"
"I think so, major, or the next day. Give me a chance to pack a bag," he replied, feeling smug and self-satisfied. Machinations. He was getting to be good at this.
As she aged, time seemed to stand still for Teal'c. This was something Sam often regretted as she stared critically at her reflection. Sometimes she'd regard herself self-appraisingly in the same way she might run a computer diagnostic: grey hair, check; age spots, check; sagging flesh, check (oy!); additional lines on face, double freakin' check. Teal'c was still young and virile in human terms, probably in Jaffa terms as well, whereas Sam's human genes were letting her down. She was feeling old.
Teal'c didn't seem to mind one little bit, and often sensed her unease. He'd come up behind, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close, kissing her hair and neck and saying something to make her smile.
Jack had a similar habit and it comforted Sam that Teal'c did it too; the familiarity and intimacy were part of what kept her going through the unending time. This was why she needed and cared for Teal'c so much during these years of great and desperate need for all of the companions who were marooned on the Odyssey.
The words Teal'c used in those moments could be Jack like too, and would frequently make her reflect on her husband; what she missed and what might have been. So much so that she often had to fight to pull her thoughts back to the here and now, and a man she relied on to keep her sane and whole.
Words like, "You are beautiful, Samantha," or "I love you", a term of endearment Teal'c uttered infrequently, but often enough. She loved him too, and told him so. She was never to make that mistake again, the error of omission and silence. He deserved her attention and got it, but none of that meant she didn't continue to miss Jack and love him dearly.
Two of the men she admired most in the world loved and cherished her, and Sam considered herself blessed to have found such intimacy in two separate realities and times.
They rarely spoke Jack's name, but she continued to play sad melodies on her cello in his memory. If this bothered Teal'c, he never said so. If he noticed her drifting back into the happy moments she had shared with her husband on Earth, he never mentioned that either. Teal'c knew she loved him, but also that she still loved O'Neill, even if they had never discussed it much since that fateful day their relationship became public knowledge.
The revelation of their secret led to many changes in that relationship. They moved in together permanently, sharing a bed and each other's enduring and contented companionship, and were open about their togetherness in front of their shipmates. It was a settled and mainly peaceful existence, with ups and downs like any long term relationship, but genuinely satisfying to both. Their sex lives might have faded, but their closeness deepened, and their mutual devotion prevailed.
Daniel Jackson reconciled himself to the couple, concluding they deserved a life. Vala and Sam became increasingly close, their girl-talk often conspiratorial and whispered as they bemoaned the bad habits of their lovers, and praised their good ones. The friendship of Daniel and Teal'c, which had always been close, also became more profound, albeit in a low-key, manly type way.
Cameron Mitchell was left alone, even more so after Landry's eventual death at a very ripe old age indeed, which was something his companions mourned deeply for a long time. His loss affected Sam badly. She blamed herself, no matter how much Teal'c and the others tried to persuade her otherwise.
Mitchell's solitary life, his lack of intimate companionship, saddened the two couples. They tried to include him in their lives as much a possible, but he often felt like the proverbial spare at the wedding.
Today, old, frail and grumpy, he stared out the window at the Ori beam, wondering how much closer it had come since the last time he'd looked. Sighing, he turned to face the others, perversely comforted that they all looked as old as him, and with a bit of luck felt it too. Teal'c, whose hair remained mainly black with a white streak, and who seemed almost ageless in complexion and fitness, was the honorable exception, of course.
The benefits of being Jaffa were evident, but Cam pondered that, if the Ori beam didn't get them first, they'd die off one by one and leave the Jaffa alone. However much the years might have grated, he couldn't think of a worse fate than that. "The Ori will get us before then," he thought, hopefully. "Then we can all go out in one big heroic bang."
He tottered over with his tray of food to join the others at their communal dining table. They were already eating.
"When I said I wanted to get the team back together, work with you guys, learn from you," he commented as he sat, "I did not mean every waking moment for the next fifty years."
Daniel didn't even look up from his food. "You said that yesterday."
"I did?" Mitchell queried, thinking how life had been repeating itself endlessly for a considerable time. Age plays tricks with memory; he was going senile, probably was senile. But he had good company in his senility, even if it was a bit too familiar.
"And the day before," added Teal'c.
"And the day before that," Vala chipped in.
Sam kept her own counsel, apparently distracted, thoughtful and a little antsy. She picked at her food, too much on her mind to join in the conversation.
"Oh, sorry. I'll just shut up now," Mitchell retorted acerbically.
Knowing he'd hurt Mitchell's feelings, Daniel regretted his words. Tolerance and old age don't fit together too well, but they were all old and he thought they should make an effort. Being stuck on the ship for so many years had worn everyone's patience very thinly indeed.
"No, I'm sorry I shouldn't have said anything," he said apologetically.
Fidgeting awkwardly, the distracted Sam sighed heavily, making up her mind to just come out with it and tell them. "I did it," she said.
As no one else seemed about to ask, Mitchell ventured the question. "You did what?"
"I figured out how to reverse time in a localized field," Sam replied, her words eliciting a reaction from all of them this time; stunned surprise. Vala dropped her spoon back onto her plate in shock, while Teal'c, who was making tea, temporarily froze, the tea bag suspended in mid-air, before letting it drop, his face a picture of Jaffa style astonishment. Mitchell and Daniel simply stared open mouthed. None of them were too sure how to respond to this revelation.
"What.?" Daniel queried, his surprise evident. It was clear that something was upsetting Sam about revealing this information. There was a catch.
Also picking up on this, Vala peered at Sam. "What's the matter?" she asked.
There was a problem, right? Did this mean they could get back home or not? She had to admit to having mixed feelings. What about her and Daniel? She figured Teal'c was probably thinking something similar about Sam. In fact, they probably all had reasons for uncertainty, except poor Mitchell, alone for all these years, no one to share his life with. He must be desperate to return. He'd always hated their situation, but didn't they all? However, there had been compensations for some of them.
Sam sighed sadly, trying to explain. "Maintaining the time dilation field for all this time has almost completely depleted the ZPM and the power source in the Asgard core."
'Crap!' thought Mitchell, his hopes raised by Sam's original statement. "We don't have enough power to make it work," he said, frustrated.
"Mmm. there's irony for ya huh?" Sam replied and Cam waved a dismissive hand towards her, standing up and shuffling over to the window again. The others looked just as ill at ease: Vala stared at Daniel who, in turn, stared down at his food; Teal'c fidgeted with his t-bag, not looking at any of them, just like Jack would use an object to detract from his thoughts and feelings, which Sam didn't even want to think about right now.
She was beginning to think she should have spoken to him about this first, but she hadn't been able to bring herself to do so. Having found the solution to getting them home, getting back their lives, but also knowing they had no easy way to realize it, had bothered her a lot over the last few days. Teal'c had noticed her distraction and had even asked her about it, but she had shrugged it off, despite knowing she wasn't fooling him.
After all this time, they had got to know each other intimately. They had been mates for what was essentially a lifetime, grown old together. She couldn't pull the wool over his eyes, but he didn't press her, probably thinking she would come out with it eventually. That she hadn't spoken to him first seemed like a betrayal but, frankly, she hadn't intended to say anything about it now. Sam told herself she'd deal with the fallout later, whatever that might be.
"I create the field to buy us more time, I finally figure out how to undo it all and that extra time is what makes it impossible," she said, adding to her earlier ironic statement.
Daniel looked up. "Are you sure? I mean if you had some more time, could you.?"
Sam interrupted with a shake of her head. "I'm sure," she said, her head shake turning to a nod to emphasize her affirmation.
Having pondered the problem while staring once again at the Ori beam out of the window, Mitchell piped up. "Hey Sam. d-do you remember when we were. stuck out of phase?"
"Which time?" she asked, looking over to him.
"When you got shot and you thought you were gonna die and the Ori were gonna destroy that village," he clarified, turning away from the window to glance at her.
That had been long ago, although in real time outside of their bubble, not so long. She thought about it briefly. The memory was indistinct. "Vaguely," she replied, taking sip from her cup.
"You had me use the power source from an Ori staff weapon to power Merlin's device," Cam clarified.
Ah, yes, she remembered. She had used an invisibility device to hide a village from the Ori, but the plan had gone belly up, the device malfunctioning. She and Cameron ended up the only ones hidden and safe, but Sam was seriously wounded. The memory came flooding back to her. Yes, she had believed she was dying, that she'd never see her beloved Jack again. She recalled telling Cam about the letters she'd written, the goodbyes, and giving him her computer access code so he could deliver them for her if she didn't make it back.
Cam had refused to give up, just like Jack would have. He'd kept the faith when hers had failed. Mitchell was no Jack O'Neill when it came to leading a team, but his sheer stubborn will and optimism about getting out of whatever hole they'd dug themselves into was reminiscent of her husband's. He'd been right because they had got out of it - with the incredible continuing luck of SG-1. Seems their luck had run out this time.
Sam failed to see why he'd brought this up now. She saw where he was coming from, but couldn't quite grasp the significance, so shook her head. "We don't have anything even close to a power source that would be required to keep a reverse time field working for long enough."
"Really." Mitchell turned away from her and back to the widow, consolidating his thoughts, and then walked over to Sam, holding his hand out towards her. "Come with me," he said and she took his hand, returning with him to the window. He pointed to the Ori beam. "What about that?" he asked.
Taken aback, she stammered a response. "That.? There's no way we." She paused, pondering his seemingly off the wall notion briefly, her brain kicking into gear. Trust Cameron to come up with that as a solution, using the Ori's power against them, and to save the rest of them. This was the kind of thing her husband might have done with one of his so called dumb comments. "It might be possible." she said thoughtfully, and then the Carter genius went into contemplative overdrive.
"You believe you might be able to turn back time, Samantha?"
She turned towards the voice, that of her partner of many years, Teal'c, her thoughts around the potential solution interrupted by something akin to a kick in the gut. His dark eyes were impenetrable, but she could guess at some of the thoughts he might be having, even if he didn't voice them.
He'd remained silent until this moment, but she figured he'd quickly got to the heart of the issue, as always, and one of the aspects of her solution that bothered her. Until now, she hadn't seen a way to make it work, so it hadn't really mattered, but now Mitchell had stirred up her imagination she was beginning to believe it might be possible.
Teal'c! If she reversed time. Sam wondered what he was thinking, knowing if she could pull this madcap notion off, their long years together would disappear in a puff of smoke. The idea unnerved her and she wasn't sure she wanted to go there at this time.
Nevertheless, although she didn't reply to his question, Sam approached Teal'c and enveloped him in her arms. His big muscular ones surrounded her in response. They cuddled in silence for a long time, their shipmates feeling awkward and out of place, uncertain where to look. The three were intruding on a private moment. Daniel took Vala's hand, his head nodding towards the door in a hint they should leave the couple alone.
When Cameron saw them leaving, he followed close behind, thinking they had plenty of time to discuss this later. Time was the one thing they had in abundance, except for that ageing and dying thing. That might cramp their styles somewhat. You can't do anything once you are dead. That so wasn't an option in his opinion and, despite any personally motivated doubts, he was sure the others would agree.
Sam caressed Teal'c's back, her head buried in his chest, and they both considered the consequences of what was proposed. Eventually she spoke, looking up to meet his eyes and noting a deep sadness in those dark brown depths that reflected her own.
"What do you think, Teal'c?" Her voice was a low whisper.
He kissed the top of her head, a small smile edging onto his lips. "I think you have to try."
"Despite the consequences?" she queried, heart sore.
He nodded slowly. "Indeed."
Although his heart was breaking at the notion of losing her, Teal'c knew they had to do the right thing, the only thing they could do. They were choice less. As a couple, they had spent a lifetime together, but that lifetime, the whole wondrous and fulfilling relationship they had built over the years, would be lost and forgotten.
Pondering the Tauri phrase, "going back to square one", he understood what that might mean in a very real sense. They would revert to that friendship they had once shared. Thinking on that, the heartsick Jaffa concluded this consequence might not be so bad. He could live with it, as he would know no better, would never have lived this life with her.
Meanwhile, Sam was trying to work through her confusion. She could get her life back, return to Jack and the life they should have led together. Even after all these years without him, her heart quickened at the thought, her longing and love still powerful. Yet, she also loved Teal'c dearly. This lifetime they had spent together was longer than any lifetime she would get the chance to spend with Jack - unless he lived to be a hundred plus, which knowing her pig-headed husband wouldn't actually surprise her.
Quickly, she nestled her head against Teal'c's chest so he wouldn't see the smile that thought brought to her face. Teal'c might ask why she smiled and Jack was the last person to bring up right now. He was the demon who had come between them, haunted them, even while they were happy and settled together.
Although feelings about seeing her husband again brought some joy to her heart, thoughts of Teal'c shattered that joyfulness. Their relationship had been such a large part of her life and he was so very important to her. The idea that what she planned would mean none of this had ever existed made her sick at heart.
To lose something that had been so wonderful. Teal'c was magnificent, so much more than she could ever have imagined. He loved her, and apparently had loved her in some way even back in that "real" life. She knew whatever happened, she would break his heart and, as they stood in their huddle for the longest of times, her sorrowful tears tore at both their souls.
O'Neill watched the ground rapidly fall away beneath him. At least that's what he'd always thought it looked like, and he never tired of it. That feeling of excited anticipation in the pit of your stomach as you took off was hard to beat. Flying was something Jack had wanted to do from an early age.
Although getting into Special Ops had waylaid him, something he had been born to do, he had quickly realized, flying still gave him a thrill every time he did it, even when he wasn't piloting the plane. Once they were above the clouds, he settled back to enjoy the ride.
He was glad he'd organized this little trip. When word trickled to DC that the Odyssey had been having some trouble with the Ori, and Landry had ordered most of the crew off the ship, his heart leapt into his mouth. Although confident SG-1, and Sam, would come home safe as always, the story had sown seeds of doubt and worry. Now, he had a few reasons to wish to be in Colorado when Landry and the team made it home. Jack wasn't even allowing himself to consider they might not make it home, or certainly not consciously.
So, instead of worrying, he thought about his ex team mate become wife, Sam Carter. Good thoughts, positive thoughts, memories.
Jack figured when he was her CO, Sam must have had doubts about him and his character. She'd seen him do some dark things, make murky decisions, and probably some bad ones too. Yet she had kept faith, supported him and seemed to believe in him, no matter what. Sure, she'd been his subordinate, and in theory had to obey his orders, but Jack realized it had been more than simply that.
She must often have been disappointed, and pissed, and then sometimes he worried that she saw him as a hero and kept him in a pedestal in her mind, which was just as bad. That wasn't true, or maybe in those early days, but not later on. One of the beauties of Sam was, she accepted what he was; or mainly accepted. She'd seen darkness and hadn't let it put her off.
He remembered asking her on a date that first time, how he'd worried she'd seen too much to be interested anymore, not confident enough to believe what he could read in her with his own eyes. He should have known better, he really should, and Jack regretted that he hadn't. He'd wasted too much time with all that worrying.
Jack didn't have the guts to ask her face to face, so he called from DC. Having told her he was going to the Springs, and rambled on probably incoherently for a while, he finally asked.
"So, how about you and me go for dinner while I'm there?"
There had been stunned silence at the other end of the line. "Dinner, sir?" she'd queried eventually, as if she couldn't believe the evidence of her own ears.
"Two old friends, team mates, if you will. Nothing wrong with that is there, Carter?" He heard her draw breath and, although insecurity had shattered his nerves, Jack decided he had to clarify. She had to know his intentions. "I mean on a date, Sam," he'd added.
"A date?" O'Neill could have sworn the pitch of her voice had increased a couple of octaves.
"I-I guess I should have done this a while ago, huh?" he stammered doubtfully. "I'm a little slow, Carter, dense. You know me. But I got it, eventually."
She didn't respond at first and terror was quickly overwhelming his bravado when she replied. "I'd love to, sir."
"Oh! Great!" Jack could still remember the smile on his face when she agreed, the pattering of his heart, the nerves knotting his stomach; all good things in the circumstances. "You'll have to stop it with the sir. Sounds wrong on a date, don't you think, Sam?"
"Yes, it does, sir. I'll try, but I'm not sure I can train my mouth to frame the word Jack," she retorted lightheartedly, and he laughed.
"Sure you will, Carter. Tonight okay with you?"
"I'll make it okay," she replied, and Jack smiled at the notion she might drop work, or another arrangement, especially for him.
"Seven? I'll pick you up?"
"Seven would be perfect."
"Right. See you later, Sam."
"Yes, Jack," she replied and he smiled at her use of his forename. "And, by the way, you aren't dense, sir. Far from it."
Jack's eyebrows shot up at the comment and he smirked. "Not kidding you, huh?"
"You get extra marks for effort, but no, you aren't."
His smirk turned to a broad grin. "I figure that's a good thing in the circumstances."
"Me too, Jack."
Silence hug between them for a while until Jack spoke again. "So, later then."
"I'll look forward to it."
"Yeah, me too, Carter."
When he hung up, Jack was grinning inanely from ear to ear, whistling happily as he prepared for his flight.
What he couldn't have known for sure, but only guessed, something she confirmed much later, was Sam's reaction to this exchange. His heart wasn't the only one pounding with excitement and anticipation. She stared in disbelief at the now silent phone for a while before letting loose a loud whooping noise. Jack had actually asked her on a date after all the years of mutual attraction - holy Hannah!
Sam spent the rest of her day in distracted and nervous thought about that evening. She couldn't concentrate on her work effectively, or eat, and her excitement mounted as the day went on. In the end, she left early to ready herself for the occasion, going straight to the mall to buy a new outfit that would boost her self-confidence, and trying to calm down so she didn't make a fool of herself when he arrived.
She imagined herself stammering and tongue-tied, unable to meet his expectations, whatever they were. She so wanted the date to work, for them to be at ease, but she suspected that might be tough; perhaps one of the toughest evenings of her life - and oh so important. Crucial, in fact. If it didn't work, what then? All those years of dreaming and hoping gone to waste? She couldn't let that happen.
Then it occurred to her that Jack might feel the same way. Why wouldn't he? Just because he was a man that didn't mean it was any easier for him, did it? He must want this to work just as much as she did or he would never have asked in the first place.
The notion of Jack's nervousness helped calm hers. Sure, when he arrived, she was still jittery, that was only natural, this was a date; a date with Jack O'Neill for crying out loud! This was something special that might affect the rest of her life. But, she was able to suppress the schoolgirl like reaction and at least behave in a more adult manner and maintain a moderately normal appearance.
Jack had been fifteen minutes late getting to Sam's place, which pissed him off because he prided himself on punctuality. She answered the door wearing a flowing, feminine skirt; a skirt for crying out loud. She looked great, make-up and the whole thing. She'd made an effort. That counted for something.
He had made an effort too. After his tardiness in asking her out in the first place, Sam deserved at least that. So, although casual was his normal off-duty garb, he wore a suit and tie, something that took her by surprise.
"Are we going somewhere special?" she asked with widened-eyes when she saw him.
"Not really. I'm just going there with someone special," he replied with a grin, which broadened when her cheeks tinged with the pink of a blush.
What Jack had believed was going to be so hard turned out to be a piece of cake. The date went well, more than just well - it was way better than he guessed. The early awkward silences quickly lapsed into easy conversation, flirting and banter. After the first thirty minutes, they never stopped. He took her home, went in for coffee, was the perfect gentleman and kissed her chastely when he left. Most importantly, he arranged to see her the next day, and then the day after that.
It didn't take long for Sam to realize Jack had come to the Springs especially to see her and this was his entire motivation for being there. The pretext for his visit was a little white lie to cover his ass if she declined. He didn't have any other arrangements; he wasn't there on business or for anything else. Jack called to ask her on a date and, when she agreed, he arranged the flight. She was deeply flattered and pleased about that, as well as exhilarated.
After the first couple of dates, she invited him around for lunch and one thing led to another. They never did get around to eating much that day, unless they counted gorging on each other. The light snack you can have between meals. Not so light, in fact, but very energetic and exhausting, and extremely blissful.
They had both been shy at first, but quickly overcame those nerves to became lovers; good lovers. The sex was hot. They'd waited long enough for it, so its hotness was gratifying. Things so easily might have been different. They weren't.
And so it began. It didn't take either of them long to realize they were in love. Their unexplored feelings had hung around in the background for many years, and neither had truly known what they felt, but now they knew. And the relationship just kept getting better, growing stronger.
Six months later, they were married. That might have seemed too fast for some, but not to Jack and Sam, who accepted his proposal with almost indecent haste. They'd wasted enough time already.
Jack well remembered asking her. Although he had an inkling she might say yes, he didn't want to count his chickens, and finding the courage wasn't exactly a walk in the park. He'd prepared for it, thought about his words and actions, but when it came down to it, Plan A went right out of the window along with Plans B and C.
He'd thought of romantic, getting down on one knee and the whole cliched ritual. Cliches might not normally be his thing, but he wanted to do something right for a change, believing Sam would like that approach.
Having taken her to a romantic restaurant, with the appropriate mood music, candlelight and the rest, he lost his nerve. Jack had more fingers than the number of times he came close to doing what he planned, and Sam noticed his distraction and hesitancy. As a result, the date nearly went belly up and turned into a disaster. Afterwards, he learned that Sam had come to believe he was going to dump her, but no such thoughts entered his head as he tried to pluck up that elusive courage.
An awkward silence hung between them by the time he came to take her home. When she asked him in, he got the idea that she was just going through the paces because it was expected, which did nothing to encourage him; quite the reverse. What he didn't know was that she was dreading what he might have to say, when he finally got around to saying it.
Things were going from bad to worse as they maintained a discomforting distance, neither of them daring to touch the other because of their private and increasingly disturbing thoughts. When she entered the living room with two cups of coffee, he had broken the uneasy muteness because he had to get it out, even if her response was a humiliating rejection. He had to ask or he'd never live with himself.
"I was kind of thinking we might get married," he said, almost too casually as he tried to hide his disquiet under a mask of bravado. The two cups of coffee ended up on the floor while Sam stood there, astounded and open mouthed for a brief time before replying.
"Yes," she said quickly.
His surprise was no less shocked than hers. "Yes? It's as simple as that?" he croaked in disbelief. Having originally thought she would say yes, he'd come to convince himself that he was the last man on Earth she would want to marry.
"Yes."
"Oh! I thought."
"Stop thinking, Jack O'Neill, and kiss me. Yes, yes, yes." Her previously serious looking face broke into a grin, which he mirrored delightedly, and he was taking her in his arms and kissing her in seconds flat.
"I got the impression." he started when they came up for air.
"I thought I told you to stop thinking."
He grinned. "Tonight was so bad I."
"Yes," she agreed, maintaining heavy duty eye contact. "A disaster. You were so morose and distracted I thought you were going to dump me. Now I get why you were like that."
His expression was one of stunned astonishment. "Dump you? I love you Sam, I could never dump you. I was thinking you might be getting fed up with me, for crying out loud."
She laughed happily. "Never, Jack. That's so not going to happen. I love you too. You know that, right?"
It wasn't until she said it that he realized neither of them had declared their love to each other before this moment. What a putz!
"Oh, crap, Sam. I never told you how I felt and I was asking you to marry me for Christ's sakes. And you don't believe I'm dense?" He was grinning stupidly, something she returned in kind.
"Well, I know now, and so do you."
He squeezed her hard before meeting her lips again in another passionate kiss.
"Jeez," he declared when his mouth left hers. "I had so wanted to do this right. I'd planned it and everything. You know you've just agreed to marry a moron, right?"
"A moron I'd be happy to spend the rest of my life with, Jack. You think I care much about how you asked? You asked. That's more than enough."
His face filled with another dumb looking grin. "You don't mind that I didn't do the getting down on bended knee thing?"
She chuckled. "I know how you feel about cliches."
And there it was, settled in such a classic Jack O'Neill like way that they both found it perversely amusing. It was all a bit surprising really. Before they got together, Jack had never truly believed they could last; now he knew better. They would last. They fit together. Their feelings weren't just a long held crush, a fantasy; they were very real
Pulling his thoughts back to the present, O'Neill stared out at the clouds below, hoping his timing for this visit wasn't going to be off. He had no way of knowing when Sam and the others would make it back. All Jack knew for sure was that Sam would return to him, and he would be waiting.
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Sam couldn't figure out a way to absorb the Ori blast once they turned off the time dilation device. It was frustrating. The only way she could see of going forward was to let the blast hit and the ship explode. Then they might channel the energy of the blast into the core so it could activate the reverse time field before destroying the ship.
There was one big drawback. The blast would kill them all, but she figured they would only be dead for a few milliseconds before time would reverse itself and then they wouldn't be dead anymore. This was a risky strategy, of course, but they were out of options.
The five shipmates were all in the control room with Sam trying to explain this to the others. She hadn't yet dropped the biggest bombshell of all, and it was one heck of a kicker. Someone had to stay old. It was the only way.
"How far back can we go?" Vala asked.
Here it comes, thought Sam, the kicker. "Only to the point where the time dilation field was created," she explained. "We can't reverse time for the entire universe. If we go back any further than that, we are outside of normal time space again and we create a paradox that the technology couldn't handle."
Daniel was the one who seemed to grasp some of the implications immediately. "Is that gonna be good enough?" he queried, unable to see the benefit of not gaining any additional time to get away from the Ori beam. They'd be back where they started with no way out. He didn't get it. There had to be a catch.
Sam went on to clarify, to drop the bombshell. "I might be able to buy us a little more time, maybe a minute, but... one of us is going to have to stay old."
She could almost hear the mental "Oh, craps" from her friends. Both Daniel and Cam simply said "oh" but she knew they were thinking far worse.
"We're talking about reversing time within the field. Everything; our age, our memories, will be undone," continued Sam, pressing on. She'd already realized that part before they even started on this route, but the full implications, that someone had to stay old to make this thing work, hadn't hit her until later.
"If this works we'll be doomed to repeat history," Daniel said, comprehending the situation.
"Unless we can exclude someone from the field who can steer events in another direction," she rationalized.
Mitchell was grasping for understanding. "You created the time dilation field to prevent us from being hit by that blast in the first place. You had no choice," he said, trying to think through what she was telling them.
Sam nodded. "All right, we have to sever the Asgard core from the hyper drive controls or else the Ori will be able to follow us when we make the jump into hyperspace. A long time ago, in the event that I ever did solve the time issue, I created a program that would achieve that very quickly. I'll load it onto a crystal. That way it will only take me a few seconds to shut down the core and make the jump into hyperspace."
Mitchell got the picture and peered at her. Someone had to initiate the program, so they had to remember. That's why they had to stay old. So Sam thought she had to be the one, huh? That didn't seem right to him, but then it didn't seem right for any of them. But one of them had to sacrifice their life. Essentially, that's what they'd be doing. The implications were horrendous. Everyone else would get their lives back, but one of them would have lived a whole fifty or more years longer, would remember every moment of their interminable imprisonment, while the others would be young again, and forget.
"Who says it's gonna be you?" he asked.
She grunted softly. "It makes sense that it be me," she replied. After all, she'd got them into this mess, she'd been the one to fail them, and she should make the sacrifice. It was fitting. It seemed she wouldn't be getting her old life back after all. Jack would end up with an ancient crone of a wife, while he was still in his 50s. Although that didn't bear thinking about, it was a small price to pay to save the others, and the Asgard technology. It would be worth the sacrifice.
"Ack!" Mitchell responded, considering the options. He was contemplating volunteering. The SGC needed Sam, her genius, but he was just a soldier. They could easily go on without him, but not without her. However much he didn't like the idea, it seemed the only way.
Before he could say anything, Teal'c spoke up. The Jaffa had been standing apart from the rest of them, not joining in their conversation, but thinking through all the repercussions of what Sam had been telling them.
"I will do it," he said, and the others turned to look at him. Sam's head reeled at that suggestion and all its implications, but she left voicing it to the others.
"Teal'c, you've lost as many years as the rest of us," Daniel stated. This sacrifice seemed so wrong for any of them, but he knew Sam was right. It was the only way. Whatever happened, they would lose a friend way before they should.
"What are you 130 now?" Mitchell asked the Jaffa.
Vala tried to lighten the heavy atmosphere with a tongue firmly in her cheek. "I don't know; he doesn't look a day over 120 to me." Mitchell smiled faintly at her comment and Teal'c looked around at his friends, appreciating their concern, but knowing he was the only person who could do this and continue to live normally.
"I have many more years to live. I am the only logical choice," he said.
The connotations of his proposal hit Sam hard. He was right, there was no denying that, but it meant he would remember everything, and she wouldn't. She would go back to her life with Jack, and Teal'c's heartbreak would be worse than even she had originally imagined.
"Teal'c." she started.
"I have but one question," he interrupted, not wanting her to finish. This was the right thing to do, despite that he fully understood the consequences. "If this should not work.?"
"Then the shields would fail and you will die along with the rest of us," she replied, and they all looked at her askance. There weren't many options; they had to take that chance.
"Then it is settled," Teal'c replied with steely determination. He would not allow Samantha to sacrifice herself to save them. She was old now, wouldn't live for much longer. Teal'c couldn't bear for her to die so prematurely and wastefully. She was way too important to him, and to the SGC - and to his friend O'Neill. He would rather lose her, see her return to her husband, although that would wound him deeply, than to face that.
Although her heart screamed, fighting the logic of his conclusion, her head won, and she sadly nodded agreement. He might be the rational choice to undertake the task, but that didn't make this situation any easier. She needed to talk to him, to prepare for their parting, to say goodbye, but they would not get that chance until much later.
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Saying goodbye was the hardest thing Sam had ever done in her life and she believed Teal'c must feel similarly. It was worse for him, of course. He would remember.
His muscular arms enfolded her, squeezing gently as they lay in their long shared bed for what would be the last time. Today they would go home, or they would die. Whatever happened, this long held mutual love, all these years spent together, would be lost forever.
"I wish." Sam started, too emotional to continue. She looked into her partner's eyes and he saw tears brimming on her eyelids.
"Do not cry, Samantha," he said in a low voice, kissing her hair and smiling. In response, she touched her lips to the tip of his nose. "We must not regret."
"I don't. Not our lives together, anyway. I only wish there was another way."
"I will have many happy memories of this time spent as one," he replied affectionately. "And you will live again and have the life you should have had with O'Neill."
Sam sniffed, hand reaching up to his face to stroke his cheek. "Isn't that going to be hard for you?" She had tried to get him to discuss this a few times, but he had deftly avoided the issue.
"Yes," he confessed for the first time, and a small sobbing gasp came from her mouth. Not that she was surprised, but that he voiced it made the anguish more real.
"And you can never tell me, you can never tell any of us anything that happened here."
"I am aware." His mouth moved to hers, kissing her briefly, and then he captured her eyes again. "We have lived almost a human life span together. That is much, and more than I ever hoped or wished for. It is enough, and I will always cherish what we have had. But now you deserve to live the life you should have had. You have made me happy, Samantha, and you have loved me well. I would rather have your friendship than nothing. That alone is worth any sacrifice I might make. And I can see you happy with O'Neill again and have what truly lies in your heart."
"But you lie in my heart as well, Teal'c."
"I am aware... and that you have held me in your heart, and arms, for so many years will be a great comfort to me."
"But the loss of that."
"Hush. do not say it."
"Teal'c."
"Please, Samantha. Let us have peace in these final moments together."
With another small sniff, she nodded agreement. "I love you Teal'c," she said for what she knew would be the last time.
"And I love you, Samantha - always."
After that, they remained in silent communion for a long time, comfortable in and comforted by each other's arms, before they rose and readied themselves for what was to come - the final parting.
Teal'c stood alone grasping the crystal that held the program they hoped would save them all. He hoped the shield surrounding him would withstand the blast because if it did not, they all would die. Although there might be some poetic justice in such a death, Teal'c knew he would prefer to live for many more years, and wished for his companions to do so as well.
The life to come would be hard, and he would be heart sore, but the memories of the life he had shared with Samantha would sustain him, even while she would never be his again. He would be both happy and sad about her rejoining O'Neill on the other side, in real time.
"I'm ready," he heard the voice of his love say.
"Do it Sam," Mitchell's drawl replied, and Teal'c braced himself.
Even Teal'c had to admit the experience of watching the ship explode and rematerialize around him was one of the strangest events of his life, and he had seen many strange things over his long lived life. Intense noise, bright light and consuming flame surrounded him as explosions ripped the ship apart. Then it was as if all the pieces that had flown past him, shattering the ship into mere detritus, were sucked back in, making the ship whole again.
The shield was no more and sirens blared, warning of impending death, as he moved quickly. He couldn't dawdle; they had little time.
Knocked off her feet by impact, surrounded by chaos, Sam quickly pulled herself to her feet. She needed to activate the time dilation device, and fast. A large hand reached to grasp her, stopping her action, and she looked up in surprise.
"Teal'c, what are you doing?"
With no time to explain, he did what he had to do, and the Odyssey jumped into hyperspace, leaving the Ori and their fatal beam behind. An era, a lifetime, had ended.
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Major General Jack O'Neill whistled as he rode down in the elevator to the SGC, something he'd done a lot in his life - ride in the elevator, rather than whistling in its confines. He got the impression this was going to be a humdinger of a debriefing and it was a lucky chance he just happened to be a Colorado Springs so he could attend it. Lucky chance, my eye, he thought to himself as he chuckled internally. A chance he'd cunningly concocted, more like.
Jack wasn't sure he gave a damn about the debriefing; he could read a report just like the next guy and pick up the phone for clarification if he wanted. No, the real reason he was in the Springs was because he wanted to see his wife; grab a few days with her. So, he'd found a few reasons to be there -the debriefing wasn't really one of them, but Hank couldn't debrief himself, right? Just as well he happened to be on the spot then.
The business he'd used as an excuse for getting there took longer than he thought and he missed greeting Sam when they returned from their little jaunt on the Odyssey. The doc had already poked prodded, checked out and cleared Sam and the others, and they'd completed the having showers and getting ready thing. He was just going to be in time for the main event.
Jack was betting rumor was already doing the rounds of the SGC. Even before the debriefing had started and the reports had been written and filed, a few people knew some of the bare bones of Landry's and SG-1's adventure. Fifty or so years stuck in a time bubble? You're kidding, right? No doubt, Sam would get all technical and confuse the heck out of him as usual, but from what he'd heard so far, O'Neill thought he was simply lucky to be hearing that voice. Didn't much care what it said, just that she was there, back safe and in one piece.
All this futzing with time stuff gave him a headache and what Hank had told him on the phone already was beginning to pound in his poor overstretched brain, but he'd manage. He always did. Then he and Sam could get the hell out of Dodge and have some alone time: talk, have dinner together, make love and all that stuff husbands and wives were supposed to do when they got together. That would cure his aching head in two seconds flat -yeahsureyabetchya!
Smiling as the elevator doors opened, he sauntered happily towards the briefing room, amiably acknowledging any greetings and salutes along the way. Sam wasn't expecting him. He'd told Hank to say nothing. Jack hoped she would enjoy the surprise. Sure, she would. Sam was his wife. This long distance marriage crap could be really crap, but they were military, right? It went with the territory. And when they managed to get some time together, it was quality time - they didn't waste much of it. No sirree.
Ah, love's young dream, he thought, sighing. Okay, not so much of the young, but the love and the dream were dead on. Took them long enough, but now they'd finally got it together neither of them regretted it, that was for sure. Life sure was grand. Just when you think everything is turning to shit, roses bloom from the mire.
'Jeez, O'Neill, you're such a sap,' he told himself. Yeah, Samantha Carter/O'Neill did that to him and, frankly, he didn't much mind. In fact, he loved every sappy moment.
As he entered the briefing room, Jack firmly fixed his eyes on his wife, and the bright smile she threw at him made every moment of being apart for weeks at a time worthwhile. He returned the grin, and then acknowledged the other members of SG-1 with a friendly smile, sitting at the head of the table as Hank exited his office and joined them.
"This is a surprise, sir," Sam commented, her face still lit with the broad beam of delight at seeing him. Her heart had skipped a little as he entered, and was still hammering rapidly with the expectation of spending some down time with her love.
Jack hated all that "sir" and "Carter" business these days, but when on base, on duty, it was still the right thing to do. They'd made that pact when they first started dating and he wasn't going to break it just because they were now husband and wife. If it made Sam more comfortable, then who was he to deny her that? Frankly, it made him feel more comfortable too. Right at this moment, however, what he really wanted to do more than anything was take his wife in his arms and give her one heck of a passionate kiss. He resisted the madcap impulse. All good things come to those who wait, right?
"I'm full of 'em as always, Carter," he replied jauntily.
The first moment of seeing them interact together had come sooner than Teal'c had anticipated. He was as surprised by O'Neill's appearance as Samantha, or any of them, and his heart thumped rapidly, gut roiling disconcertingly, as he tried to calm his perturbation and uncertainty. The Jaffa thought he had prepared for the moment, had steeled himself to accept what would happen but, in reality, it seemed this was not going to be as easy as he had fooled himself into believing.
From his dispassionate expression, no one would have guessed at the emotions that raged inside. Albeit that O'Neill called her Carter and she referred to him as sir, their faces clearly showed the deep love they held for each other. A pang of jealousy hit him, and he had to remind himself that he and Samantha had already lived a life together; that should be enough. However, Teal'c wasn't sure it was ever going to be enough - not anymore.
He was powerless to change it, wanting to while also not wanting to. The confusion, doubt, guilt and pain he felt were acute, but he had to learn to accept.
Teal'c listened to the others talking with only half an ear, his thoughts in turmoil, but interrupted by O'Neill's raised voice.
"Whoa! Brain ache, Carter. Have pity on a dumb old general, will ya?" Jack's plea elicited a rolling of eyes and a smirk from his wife. "So what you're saying is that you rolled back time for everyone but Teal'c and he's the only one who remembers the bits in between."
Sam nodded and Teal'c cast his eyes in O'Neill's direction. "Years, O'Neill, not bits," he said impassively, firmly grasping his raising nausea at the situation and taking it under control.
Jack turned a beady eye towards his old friend. "Isn't that kind of weird?" he asked, wondering how they had occupied themselves for all those years.
The whole notion of being stuck with such a small group of people for all that time, confined to an increasing claustrophobic space and helpless to act, was truly disturbing to O'Neill. He couldn't imagine how he would have dealt with it. Sam's presence would have been some compensation, but probably not enough. For sure, it was way worse than being stuck behind a desk in DC.
The full implications hadn't hit him yet but they probably would. Jack's heart went out to Teal'c. Remembering every interminably boring moment was probably even worse than getting stranded for years in the first place, and being the only one to remember must make it worse still. O'Neill shuddered at the idea. Ack!
"Indeed," the warrior replied. Typical Teal'c understatement, Jack thought.
"I mean really, really, really weird?" he pressed.
"It is what it is," Teal'c replied and Jack made a tsking sound.
"Oh, puleeze," Jack said, waving a dismissive hand in Teal'c's direction, "stop it with the profundity already."
Sam snorted, suppressing a laugh, and Jack looked at her, smiling fondly before returning his gaze to Teal'c.
"The reports sure will make interesting reading," he said, "particularly yours, T."
"I cannot reveal anything that occurred during those years, O'Neill."
Jack's eyebrows shot up with surprise. "No? Um, why not?"
"He's right, sir," Sam intervened, and Jack turned his attention to her, a slight glare on his face. "None of those things, whatever they were, really happened. To tell us any of it might affect all our futures. Who knows what impact that could have?"
"None of it really happened? It happened to Teal'c," Jack objected, which sounded logical enough to him.
Of course, Sam argued against that logic, patiently explaining why Teal'c should say nothing to anyone, and the Jaffa nodded sagely while she spoke. He'd already heard these arguments before, but had no objections to hearing them again. As far as he was concerned, there were many reasons for remaining silent about the subject, most of them sitting in this room.
The guilt he suffered from his betrayal of O'Neill and their friendship was already bad enough. If he should ever find out.Teal'c knew both he and O'Neill would be mortified. In time, his friend might come to accept what had happened; understand the desperate need for intimacy he and Samantha had sought and found - in much long, hard and painful time.
Obviously, O'Neill would be jealous, deeply hurt and upset, and he could be an unforgiving and unbending man, but he was also a reasoning human being with life experiences that might mean he could eventually find a degree of understanding, forgiveness and peace. Just as Teal'c himself had eventually forgiven his wife for her betrayal when she had found comfort and support in the arms of another, and had come to be at peace with it before she had died.
That this might have happened in different circumstances did nothing to appease Teal'c's conscience, and he did not wish it to. He deserved to suffer for his betrayal. Teal'c felt that keenly. Of course, he would never now know for sure what the consequences of his decisions and actions on the Odyssey might have been.
And what of Samantha? How would she feel if she remembered? However well she had loved him, she loved O'Neill more, and would never have wished to hurt her husband so, Teal'c knew that very well. But he also recognized she would not have wished to hurt him in this way either. This situation might have torn them all asunder, and Teal'c could not bear the notion of seeing either Samantha or O'Neill tormented by that much pain and unhappiness.
He, on the other hand, was Jaffa, a warrior, strong in mind and body. He would take all that anguish and pain upon himself and live with it gladly to ensure his friends did not have to do so. It was the least he could do.
Teal'c wondered how all three of them might have reacted to the situation had Samantha's solution to getting them home been different. They had both entered the relationship in the knowledge that this might happen albeit that, at the time, Samantha had despaired and lost most of her hope of ever getting them home. They were logical, thinking adults who had known what they were doing and its potential consequences.
He knew that Samantha had realized the possibilities when she had first approached him, and he had too when he accepted her advance, but they had never really discussed how they would deal with the situation if they ever made it back to Earth. They had been prepared to accept the burden, just the two of them, and taken a chance so they could live with the acute desolation they had suffered at that time, rather than the consequences of their actions.
Now, they would never have to consider those consequences. Teal'c believed it was lucky chance that Samantha and O'Neill never had to face them, that the burden now rested solely on him. He would never reveal the secret, never even hint at it, and he alone would remember.
Carrying that pain, and the secret, would become how he would now learn to live with himself and his culpability He would bury it deep but, although he might hide it from others, Teal'c knew he would always remember, and that a sense of loss and longing would forever live in his heart and soul, along with his guilt.
The notion both saddened and heartened him. That he would endure the agony to ensure Samantha and O'Neill's continuing happiness seemed fitting.
As the woman he loved so absolutely spoke, Teal'c's eyes wandered between Sam and Jack, watching how they reacted to each other as she got technical and confusing again, and her husband listened attentively, appearing increasingly perplexed. Despite O'Neill's puzzlement, the pair were so relaxed together; at peace and at ease. Teal'c suppressed the envy in his heart at that mutual ease, something he and Samantha had shared for so long.
Eventually, Jack raised a hand to silence her. "Okay, Miss Mighty Brain, you've befuddled me enough to convince me for now."
O'Neill used the words "Miss Mighty Brain" like a term of endearment, and Sam smiled at him, immediately ceasing her involved explanation. Teal'c figured the term was probably one of many affectionate nicknames the couple shared in their intimacy. Although his heart ached, it also sang. He was pleased to see them happy and content, as he wanted that for both of them. It was going to be hard to consider Samantha Carter as just a good friend, a colleague, a fellow warrior, but he would be happy to call her friend and know she lived a life she wanted. O'Neill, too, deserved that.
Teal'c knew that such conundrums would be a feature of his life from now on; the joy and pleasure tinged with the sorrow and pain. O'Neill would no doubt comment about life being ironic, or some such, and he would be right. For the Jaffa warrior, however, it had been thus for some time in this "real" life. His love for Samantha had not become truly tangible until they had come together on the Odyssey, but it had already existed - admittedly without form and substance - way before that.
Back in real time, he had accepted that her heart and soul belonged to another, just as he had to accept it now. Teal'c had merely loaned them for a few years, and it was time to give them back.
Sad though it made him, it also gave him strength. He would prevail just as she would, of that he was sure.
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Teal'c beat a hasty retreat after the debriefing and, following some personal exchanges with Daniel and the rest of SG-1, Jack and Sam were left alone in the briefing room at last.
"So, home?" Jack asked, and Sam grinned and nodded. "No pressing experiments to conduct or alien objects to study?" he added, with tongue firmly in cheek.
"I wouldn't mind conducting a few experiments on you, sir," she replied with a cheeky smirk.
"Really? That sounds kinda nice, Carter. I've got a few experiments in mind myself."
She laughed, sucking in a breath. "One scientist in the family is quite enough, don't you think?"
Jack started to saunter to the door and she walked alongside, matching his stride. "Mmmm." he mused, "I don't think what I've got in mind counts as science."
"Biological science?"
"More precisely, the science of Mrs. Samantha O'Neill," he replied with a chuckle. "That's a science I could spend a whole lifetime studying."
"I'm glad to hear you say that, sir."
"I bet you are, you little minx." He winked and a huge smile cracked his face. "So, let's get the hell out of here so I can give my wife a big sloppy kiss." This was another thing they had vowed along with the 'sir' and 'Carter' forms of address; none of that hanky panky on base - or certainly not in front of any security cameras.
Jack was dying for a hug, or some kind of intimate contact, but foreswore that, settling for steering her along the corridor with his hand placed lightly in the crook of her back. As they neared the elevator, he suddenly opened a store room door, switched on the light and poked his head in to check it was empty before pulling her inside.
Grasping her head tenderly in his hands, he kissed her, long and deep, before pulling his lips away and taking her into his arms for a hug. His actions took Sam by surprise but she colluded happily, giggling like a teenager. Jack could reduce her to a heap of quivering flesh with consummate ease.
"It's good to see you, babe," he whispered.
"You too," she said, kissing his neck, and then pulling her head up to look at him. "We should go home and do this, you know that don't you?"
"Sure, but I couldn't wait. It's a long way up and out of the mountain. I've missed you. You've been gone a while."
She smiled. "Even longer than I remember, apparently."
"Yeah, you have to be the hottest ninety year old broad I've ever met," he commented, pulling her closer and snuggling. Sam giggled again.
"Possibly closer to a hundred."
"Ack! A hundred? I'm your boy toy. How cool is that?" His expression was a perfection of playful mockery, the cheeky half-grin she loved so much lighting his face, and his dark eyes glistening mischievously.
"Only in mental age," she quipped and he slapped her playfully.
"Hey, enough of that, wife."
"We both know you're the biggest kid in the business."
"Yeah, the Peter Pan of the Stargate Program, that's me. Which makes you Wendy, right? Or possibly Tinkerbelle."
"Actually, more like Wendy's mother, Mrs. Darling."
"My old lady."
Sam rolled her eyes. "Take me back to the Odyssey," she said in a teasing plea, and Jack's face became more serious.
"Don't even joke about that Sam. It sounds like I came too darned close to losing you."
The slightly stricken expression on his face gave her pause for thought. It wasn't so much that she was surprised he thought it, more that she was surprised he voiced it. She wondered what he'd been thinking when he heard the Ori were pursuing the Odyssey and Landry had ordered the crew off the ship for safety, leaving SG-1 behind. What would she think if Jack was in that situation? She would fret about her husband, so no doubt he had worried about her.
Sam was well aware that Jack could be anxious about her dangerous work. Of all people, he knew best what they could be up against out in the field. His concerns were not a reflection of his faith in her abilities, or lack of them. They were an emotional response. She was his wife and he loved her. He wanted to protect her, keep her safe, didn't want to lose her - all very natural for a husband in response to the possibility that his wife might be in danger.
Of course, Jack rarely mentioned these anxieties. He supported her work one hundred percent because how could he do otherwise? Jack was a professional and so was Sam. He respected her work, and that she loved her career and the SGC, and she was grateful for that. Things might have been different with another man, but O'Neill knew how it was and understood.
So, when he alluded to those concerns, she knew Jack had been thinking and fretting. And because he seldom said or hinted at anything, she appreciated the rare occasions when he did. It must be rough sometimes and Sam considered she was lucky it was her out in the field, not Jack, because she knew how she would feel about it if it was him.
She'd felt it many times when they had worked as a part of the team but, back then, she had been in a position to help, support and act. What made it so much harder for Jack was that he was virtually powerless to do anything when she was in trouble somewhere millions of light years away. He wasn't there by her side to protect or support her. Jack was a man of action, so got frustrated by that helplessness.
Now, he needed reassurance. He needed her presence, to see and touch her to ensure she genuinely was safe and well. He needed to be there for her and support her because she might need him just as much. And she could and would provide all of these things in abundance now that he was here, right by her side.
Sam smoothed his back and kissed him softly on the cheek, knowing Jack required comfort that was tangible. "Well, I'm here, Jack, alive and well."
"And for that, I'm truly grateful. If you had never made it back."
"But I did. So, don't even go there."
"The Carter genius saves the day again, huh? Isn't that getting a little old for ya?"
She grinned, comprehending that his jocular tone signaled the end of his expression of concern, at least for now.
"Never, sir. Thor left a personal message for you, by the way."
Jack smiled sadly. "He did? Cool! I'm gonna miss the little guy."
"I know. Me too." Realizing his tone of bravado hid genuine feelings of regret and loss, she caressed his neck tenderly, with her eyes fixed on his.
Assuming his wife knew the contents of the message, Jack's eyebrows arched curiously. "What did he say?"
"I managed to copy it onto my laptop. You can see it when we get home. Good things; he said good things."
"He's sorry he's running out on us kind of things?" He entwined her hair in his fingers, toying with its strands. This doubtless meant he was ill at ease. Jack fidgeted almost reflexively as a distraction. He had always been thus. Her husband was a very restless man and could be as jittery, or as playful, as an awkward teen - and twice as cute.
"Something like that. More than that. The kind of things one friend might say to another when they are going to die. You should see it for yourself."
For a moment, her husband's expression clearly showed how moved he was by that notion. Then, in the blink of an eye, he went blank; just like that. The mask was a Jack O'Neill specialty she'd seen so many times she couldn't have counted even if she had wanted to.
"I wish I'd had the chance to say goodbye," he said in a slightly wistful manner. The mask might be in place, but the emotion appeared in his voice. Sam kissed him briefly, another gesture of comfort.
"He figured that. You humanized Thor more than anyone; he felt closer to you than the rest of us."
"Ya think?" he retorted, beaming, and Sam guessed he was going to change the subject even before he paused for breath. This was an O'Neill habit she knew well.
When they'd worked together she had frequently misinterpreted that apparent lack of feeling, the mask and the flippancy, but she knew better now. Jack was deep, way deeper than he generally articulated openly. Sam, however, was his wife and he often revealed himself to her in ways a true life partner should; confiding, seeking solace and support.
Mostly, she didn't call him on opening up to her because he would do so when the time was right for him. So, she chose not to call him on it now. Sam would just be there when he needed her, as he would be for her - as best as either of them could in this long distance relationship, anyway. They'd both made that promise a long time ago, even when they might not have said so in words.
Sam missed him so much when he was miles away in DC, while she was stuck in the Springs. She missed the simple things like Jack enfolding her in his arms and snuggling close; a mere touch of his hand on her flesh; his vivacious smile and dazzling dark brown eyes; his scent on the sheets, and when he was close by; so many little things she couldn't even name them all.
When they were apart, she yearned for the sharing, affection, companionship and lovemaking. There was a lot of love in that lovemaking - so much more than mere sex. Her husband made her feel special because he believed she was. He was making her feel special right now.
"Mmmmm." he started, "how about playing that little general and his subordinate game when we get home?" His eyebrows waggled suggestively and Sam smiled in a flirtatious way, recalling their rather lighthearted take on the master and slave sexual fantasy; a romp that erred on the side of hilarity rather than serious intent, as well as much mutual satisfaction.
"Sounds good to me. sir," she mocked, playing along with his light-hearted tenor. "Maybe I should get to be the general this time around."
"Call me to your office for a darned good reprimand?" he replied with a wink and a chuckle. "I could handle that... ma'am." He let go of her with one arm and gave a teasing salute. "I always did need a bit of discipline."
Sam laughed. "Oh, I'll give you a proper chewing out."
"Irresistible," he whispered throatily, pulling her into an embrace and another passionate kiss.
When they drew back from each other, Jack slapped her butt good-naturedly and winked again, letting her go and pulling the store room door open. After ensuring the coast was clear, he snuck out with Sam following close behind.
"Must be pretty strange for Teal'c, living all those extra years and remembering all the stuff the rest of you don't," Jack commented as they waited for the elevator. "Fifty plus years stuck on that tub must have been really, really boring."
"I suppose we found ways to entertain ourselves." She met his eyes. "I know I would have missed you."
Jack stared at her silently for a moment, pondering, but when he pulled his eyes away and spoke, it was as if he wanted to avoid those disturbing thoughts.
"T's looking pretty well on those extra years, though, don't ya think? He still looks younger than me, sheesh!" he rolled his eyes for effect and Sam chuckled.
She realized the notion of what had happened perturbed her husband, but he was unwilling or unable to express it properly, particularly with regard to their relationship, hence the joke. This was something they might discuss in more depth later. With Jack, you had to choose the right moment. He would let her know when that was.
"I'm worried about Teal'c. I know he's Jaffa not human, but." she shrugged helplessly not sure what to say. "He left the debriefing so quickly." Jack understood her concern for her team mate and their friend.
"All those secrets he must know but can never reveal. Pretty crap." She nodded, and he smiled. "We'll get the guys round while I'm here, you think?" She nodded again, looking thoughtful as the elevator arrived.
As he was stepping inside, she grasped Jack's arm. "Now I've got Teal'c on my mind. do you mind if I go check up on him before we go home?"
His hand reached out to hold the elevator door open. "Honey, if it'll make you happy." He figured that, now this was on her mind, she might not relax until she'd checked it out. "Want me to come with?" This time she shook her head.
"Team time."
"Okay, I get it."
Jack was definitely with her on that one - simpatico. He'd been down a similar road many times, and had his own concerns for the well-being of his Jaffa friend. Jack being Jack, he might do things a little differently, wait a little longer, but he'd do something when the time seemed right.
For him, this wouldn't have been the right time, but if it was right for Sam, that was fine by him. Jack figured his old friend needed some time alone to reflect on his situation, but Sam had to handle it in the way she saw fit and he wouldn't interfere with that. He would bide his time and get his chance with Teal'c when another opportunity arose.
"Meet you topside? There's less chance of me ravishing you in the elevator that way," he suggested with a lascivious smirk.
Sam chuckled girlishly. "Sure."
"He'll be okay, you know. If anyone can deal with an experience like that, it's Teal'c. He's got the heart and soul of a warrior."
"Yes, but his heart is also very human," she replied with a look of concern and sympathy.
"You noticed that too, huh?" Jack said with a big grin, turning towards the elevator. "See you later. wife."
"Soon, husband."
He gave her a little wave as the elevator doors closed, and then she made her way to Teal'c's quarters, hoping she'd be welcome. If they had discussed it in more depth, Jack would have known Sam realized Teal'c might need some time alone. But, she also knew she wouldn't be able to rest until she'd seen for herself that he was okay. Not that you could necessarily tell with Teal'c, but she couldn't leave without trying.
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Teal'c wasn't surprised when she came, but was disconcerted when O'Neill didn't. He'd half expected the couple to pay a visit before they left the mountain, and was primed for that, but facing Samantha alone. he wasn't yet prepared.
He came close to calling her Samantha as she entered, biting his tongue just in time to change his greeting to Colonel Carter. It felt strange to refer to her by that name again after so many years calling her Samantha, so many years of deeply abiding love. Teal'c had to force the now unfamiliar salutation from his lips, knowing he could never call her Samantha again. The fact saddened him further, making his loss deeper and more cutting.
Teal'c knew he would get used to the change of circumstances eventually but, right now, it was still too raw and real. One day maybe it would seem almost like a dream, but until then. he'd manage, because he must.
"Hope you don't mind me dropping by, Teal'c," said Sam once she'd closed the door behind her.
"It is always an honor, Colonel Carter." He bowed his head slightly in the deference he believed was fitting, and she smiled. There was always something peacefully reassuring about Teal'c's company. She liked that.
When he indicated she should sit down, Sam declined, so Teal'c remained standing too, looking as inscrutable as ever.
"Don't worry, I won't stay long, and I haven't come to ask about all the dirty secrets of our lives together on the Odyssey," she said, thinking that was as good a place to start as any.
He smiled faintly, a supreme effort of will hiding the troubled and painful thoughts her statement provoked. "I would not expect that from you, Colonel Carter."
"No, I guess you wouldn't." Sam figured they'd probably discussed all this before turning back the time. Teal'c would be aware of the potential consequences of revelation.
"I am, however, surprised that Vala Mal Doran has not yet paid me a visit," he said with more lightheartedness than he was feeling, and needing to get a handle on the conversation.
"I'm confident you can fend off her persistent curiosity, Teal'c."
"Perhaps pestilent curiosity is more accurate," he replied and, gratifyingly, Samantha laughed. "But I am quite capable of meeting that challenge."
She nodded agreement and then drew a breath, launching into what she really wanted to say. "This situation must be difficult for you."
'More than you can imagine or shall ever know,' he thought, but remained silent.
Sam stepped towards him. "Are you going to be all right, Teal'c?" she asked, clutching his arm gently. Her anxiety was evident.
His dark eyes met hers, his whole body suffused with warmth and desire Teal'c knew he shouldn't feel as it resulted from her touch, her look of concern, her affection. He liked that the affection was there; there was something consoling about how she responded to him. If circumstances had been different. but they were not.
Teal'c placed his hand on top of hers and squeezed gently. "I am, Colonel Carter," he replied, knowing in reality it would take a while. He didn't wish to lie to her, but had no choice. He would learn to live with it because he had no choice about that either.
Sam smiled, but briefly saw something in his eyes to make her doubt his assurance - a flashing glimpse of wistful melancholy and loss.
"I'm not sure it's going to be as easy as you think," she said.
"Perhaps," he agreed.
"I know you can't tell me anything, Teal'c, but if you ever want to talk, or stay silent and just want some company. Fifty or more years is a long time; a big burden to carry."
Her proximity was disturbing. Teal'c could smell scent of Samantha and it was a heady mix to his senses. The temptation to lean down and kiss her, or simply pull her into his arms, was almost overwhelming.
"I wish to be alone, Colonel Carter."
She nodded. "I understand. I just wanted you to know that you don't need to be alone if you don't want to be, and to make sure you were okay before I go home with Jack."
"O'Neill will be waiting," he replied, his tone belying his feelings, although Sam could discern tenderness in his words. He cared about her and Jack, she knew that, and their friendship meant a lot to all of them.
"He'd like you and Daniel to come over while he's here."
Teal'c wasn't sure how that really made him feel, but the Tauri saying about falling off a bicycle came to mind. You have to get back on straightaway or you might never get back on again. This was true of his friendship with Samantha and O'Neill, and he valued it too highly to risk shying away, however much he yearned to do precisely that. Seeing them together would be hard, perhaps even harder than seeing Samantha alone, but he had to try and take comfort from their binding love.
"I would like that also," he replied agreeably.
"I'm guessing you've seen enough of me and Daniel to last a whole lifetime, you must be sick of the sight of us, but Jack misses you both now he's in DC."
Teal'c made no comment to disillusion her about being sick of the sight of her, merely agreeing to what she said about O'Neill. "As we do him. He has been a good friend."
"I hope I have too. I like to think we are friends, Teal'c."
"Indeed," he agreed with a bow of his head and a small smile.
"If you need me, I'll always be there for you. Remember that."
"I am aware," he said, inclining his head in acceptance. He knew she meant it, and meant well by offering it, but the offer was a double edged sword for Teal'c, at least for now. "As will I be there for you, Colonel Carter."
"I know," she acknowledged.
Moving closer, she extricated her hand from his, winding her arms around him for a hug and craning her neck to kiss his cheek affectionately. Teal'c's heart stuttered at her attempt to comfort him and seal their friendship; the intentions and warmth of her embrace enhancing his longing and desolation. Briefly, he returned the hug, squeezing her gently before letting go, and she moved away. Her smile and glistening blue eyes tore into his soul, but he took solace from her loyal and abiding friendship.
He wished. but Teal'c knew it was impossible. O'Neill was her great love, the only man she had ever truly wanted, despite the love and life they had shared aboard the Odyssey. He had always known and understood that, even while she had loved him well and shared his life and bed.
"I'll leave you to it," she said and, just as she turned to leave, he grabbed her gently and she turned to face him.
"You have a second chance with the rest of your life, Colonel Carter. Be happy with O'Neill."
She smiled and nodded, cocking her head curiously and wondering what prompted him to say that. Perhaps something that had happened or been said on the Odyssey. Sam could imagine she might have taken Teal'c into her confidence while stranded. They might have become closer friends; maybe more than just friends. She was aware of those possibilities. How could she fail to be?
Fifty plus years was a long time to be alone and lonely, and probably in despair. Anything might have happened during that seemingly unending time. In those cruel and extraordinary circumstances, interminable years without Jack, the man she loved so deeply, Teal'c was the person she most likely would have turned to and wanted to share those years, and her feelings, with. They had grown increasingly close in so many ways over the years they'd worked together, and he had been a true friend and comfort many times.
Certainly, Teal'c would know how much she must have missed and yearned for the man she'd loved and lost in that time frame. However, she didn't ask him for clarification because she knew better. If anything more than simple and consoling friendship had occurred between them, her Jaffa friend would take that secret to his funeral pyre.
Sam could envisage what might have been in certain circumstances, but if there was anything to feel guilty or fret about, she would never know. Teal'c would make sure of that, and he alone would carry the burden of guilt they probably should have shared. She knew and understood Teal'c well enough to realize this was feasible. The idea gave her much to ponder but, knowing Teal'c, he would not wish for her to mull over that notion; he would wish for her to be with her husband and for both of them to be happy.
"I will be. I am," she replied with a great deal of fondness, trying to shrug off the thoughts that could haunt her. What good could come of wondering when she could never know for sure? Teal'c wouldn't want that or ask for it, or wish for such thoughts to come between her and Jack, so she wouldn't let them. It was only speculation, after all.
The mighty Jaffa smiled, inclining his head in acknowledgement, and she turned back to leave, pausing at the door.
"Thanks for saving us, Teal'c."
"It was your hard work that saved us, Colonel Carter."
"But it was your sacrifice that gave the rest of us our lives back. So thanks for that."
He couldn't deny that what she said was right. He had made a sacrifice and Samantha was unaware of how great the sacrifice had been. The additional years meant nothing compared to losing her from his life, but she would never know that.
"You are most welcome," he acknowledged. "And now it is time for your husband."
"To be a good wife?" she responded with a grin. "I will take good care of him, Teal'c, I promise. I want him to be happy too."
She was thinking this was probably where Teal'c was coming from with his comments. Sam knew Teal'c deeply admired and respected her husband, perhaps even loved him in his own warrior like way; their friend wished Jack a good life. He wished it for both of them.
"Indeed," he rejoined, in the knowledge that she was already a good wife, and already taking care of his friend, her husband - a boon and blessing for O'Neill, just as O'Neill was for her.
Then she was gone, leaving Teal'c alone in silent contemplation. Sorrowfully, he brushed the cheek Samantha had kissed, thinking about their happy, companionable and rewarding years together, and turned away from the door. Slowly moving around his room, he lit the candles before sitting on the floor amongst them - trying to clear his mind of everything and take small comfort for his loss from the future happiness and prospects of his dear friends, Samantha and Jack O'Neill.
Teal'c was a man who wished to die in battle, not from illness or old age. Now, they were alive and would live to fight another day. This was what mattered most of all. He might be hurting and miss the intimacy shared with Samantha for so many years, and it would take a long time for him to recover the equilibrium he so desperately sought, but he could live with that.
Remembering was hard; forgetting, impossible; seeing her happy with O'Neill, painful - but he'd fight on, as always, and he'd survive. The price he would pay for all those contented years, however, was very high; a lifetime of guilt, heartache and unrequited love. On balance, Teal'c considered it worth the cost.
Jack lounged casually against the door of the car as he waited for Sam, soaking up the sun's rays with the ubiquitous shades perched on his nose. As he saw her emerge from the mountain, a large grin appeared on his face and he straightened, slowly removing the sunglasses and opening the car door in a gentlemanly fashion.
Sam's face brightened when she spotted him, and she approached, slipping her arms around his waist.
"Not so fast," she said, craning her neck to kiss him briefly and snuggling her head into his chest. "It's a long drive. I need a quick husband recharge."
He rolled his eyes and smiled fondly, pecking her on the top of her head. "Not such a long drive," he commented.
"Indulge me. I haven't seen you for fifty or so years, or so I'm told," she said, pulling her head back to look at his face. She had so missed that face; and a very handsome face it was too.
"What did you do without me?" he responded in a jauntily sarcastic manner.
"Wish I knew," she replied in a slightly wistful tone that got Jack thinking. "Come on, let's go. I want to get my husband alone."
Sam maneuvered out of his arms, getting into the car by the passenger door he had opened for her, and Jack moved round the car to take his position in the driving seat. Starting the engine, he turned towards her before setting off.
"Teal'c okay?" he asked.
"I don't know. He's a difficult man to fathom sometimes."
"You've got that right!" he responded, peering at her seriously. "You okay?"
She reached over to squeeze his arm and smiled. "I'm fine." When his eyebrows arched with an expression of vague disbelief, she continued. "The whole idea of being stuck on that tub for more than fifty years makes me think."
He chuckled. "You never stop thinking. You think too much. Haven't I told you that already? You should learn to listen to your husband."
"Don't tell me it hasn't got you thinking too."
"Sure, but you know how much I hate doing that."
This time, it was Sam's turn to chuckle. "Yeahsureyabetchya," she responded, knowing very well that her husband thought way more profoundly than he would have people believe. Hiding it was part and parcel of the Jack O'Neill Survival Handbook, and way more than a simple chapter because he was far from being a simple man.
Jack smiled, thinking it was better to save this whole discussion for a different place and time. Sure, he'd been thinking about it ever since he'd heard; thinking way too hard, in his opinion. That's the problem with thinking - it makes you think! Thinking isn't always easy, particularly around those issues that require introspection, and impact on emotional well-being.
Shrugging it off for now, he drove away. The sun was setting; bright and dark shades of orange and red suffused the sky. It was very beautiful and he felt the need for a flippant comment.
"Would it be too corny to mention the sunset we happen to be driving into?"
Sam giggled. She loved that her down-to-earth husband had a romantic soul. He might bury it deeply sometimes, but it appeared frequently enough to keep her happy.
"Corny, yes. Too corny, no," she replied, hand snaking over to squeeze his thigh.
"Too much of that and corny will become horny," he warned teasingly.
"I can live with horny," she said with a leer.
"Right. In that case, so can I," he countered with a smile and Sam kept her hand loosely poised on his thigh.
After that, the couple said little on their way home, settling instead for a companionable silence. Jack enjoyed companionable silences and believed he had some modicum of expertise in that area. And companionable silences with Sam were just about the best invention on the planet. They didn't stop him thinking, though.
When they walked in the door of the home they shared when Jack was in town, he eschewed watching Thor's farewell message to partake in a little soothing R&R with his wife. They didn't talk much: Companionable Silences 'R Us, he thought wryly. In bed, out of bed, wherever.
Currently, they were in bed after a very satisfying sexual game of the type they had promised each other earlier. As Sam had wished, she played the general and she had been so right about the chewing out she was going to give him. Now, Jack was a very happy camper indeed and figured Sam was as well.
Although dwelling in a glorious afterglow, the O'Neill curiosity, and profound thought about Sam's recent situation, got the better of him in the end, so he loosened his embrace slightly so he could look at her.
"Do you really wish you knew?" he asked. Immediately, Sam got what he was asking. She wasn't one hundred percent certain that she wanted to discuss this right now, but if Jack wanted it, then she would give it a shot.
"Kinda. Sure, I'm wondering how I got by for all those years? How I occupied my time? How lonely I was?" As she spoke, she smoothed her fingers over his bare back and he responded with a gentle squeeze followed by a small peck on her brow.
"You probably had a secret lover keeping you warm at night," he said with a smirk and a wink.
Sam scowled at him. "Yeah, General Landry and I really got down to it," she replied in a sarcastic tone, although her head reeled with her earlier thoughts and she wasn't sure she liked the direction their conversation was taking. It discomforted her.
"Maybe you did. We'll never know. I'm betting Teal'c will never breathe a word to anyone."
His eyes wandered away from her face to look at some point behind her, and Sam wondered what he was thinking. He didn't really think that, did he? Of course, she knew he might be right. Jack was far from stupid and they'd all been stuck on that ship for an awfully long time; as many years as her husband was in age. That's a whole lifetime. The thought was as disturbing now as it had been before.
"Could have been Teal'c," she retorted lightheartedly, in keeping with Jack's tone.
Sam probably could have steered this discussion any way she wanted to, but couldn't resist testing the deep running waters of her husband's thoughts. Given half a chance, they could be interesting, provocative and revealing waters to swim in, so she grasped this one.
"You could make worse choices. He'd be a good one, actually - the best."
"Jack!" she exclaimed, surprised that he could consider such a thing so calmly.
He pulled his eyes back to hers again. "I'm serious. He'd have looked after you as well as I would. He'd have kept you safe and given you everything I wasn't there to give."
"Wouldn't you be pissed if-if.?" she started to ask, her eyes widened with shock at those words.
"Probably. But, it doesn't matter," he interrupted, leaning forward to kiss her forehead, "because I'll never know. Whatever happened on the Odyssey never happened, right? That's what you said. It's just conjecture."
"It happened to Teal'c. That's what you said."
Jack laughed. "You're home, you're safe. Nothing else counts for much." He eyed her expression, detecting some irritation. "What? You're annoyed because I'm not losing it at the very thought? Sure, I'd be hurt and upset, but this is a theoretical discussion, right? And that's a long time to be alone Sam. I hate the idea of you being lonely and miserable for fifty years."
"That's sweet." Her lips puckered into a smile.
"Sweet? Heck no, it's pragmatic!" His features took on a solemn air and he reached out a hand to clasp her chin, ensuring her eyes met his as he continued. "There's nothing much worse then despair and hopelessness, Sam. The whole idea of you facing that alone."
He shuddered and pulled a face. Jack had been there. Not the same circumstances, admittedly, but there nevertheless. He had a tendency to face despair and pain alone. Sometimes that was a choice and sometimes not, but he regretted some of those choices and detested the notion of Sam suffering.
"Would you want me to be alone and miserable?" he asked and she shook her head. No, she wanted Jack to be happy, not lonely, even if it wasn't her that made him happy. Suddenly she understood where he was coming from.
"No," she replied, "but I think you might be stronger. After all those years we waited, Jack. B-but I didn't wait, did I? I abandoned us for Pete."
'Might have guessed Shanahan would come up,' he thought. Then he considered further and realized the thought didn't bother him anymore. That was the past. Their marriage was the future. He'd won the prize, not that darned cop. Sam looked perturbed by her thoughts and Jack wanted to settle this once and for all.
"That's in the past, honey, and it's not like I won the Nobel Prize for Chastity or something, is it? I don't give a damn about what happened with Pete Shanahan, or on the Odyssey. Whatever..."
He waved an arm in the air in a Jack like gesture and Sam smiled faintly. The way Jack moved was very sensual, particularly those gesticulations. His hand alighted on her bare arm, and he smoothed his thumb up it, laying it to rest in the crook of her neck and caressing her gently with it.
"I care about you, and us," he continued, and she felt reassured by the comment. "As for being alone and miserable, I was never alone during all those years because, no matter what else was going on in our personal lives, you were there. We might not have been together like we are now, but you were still there by my side. We made a great team. Still do."
Her smile broadened. "Yes, we do. I think I understand, Jack."
"Well then, enough said," he continued. "It's irrelevant. You're here now and we're together. If anything happened on the Odyssey. I'm not sure I'd blame you. Life's too short, right? I've always tried to encourage you to live it. Living it with me is better, but." he paused contemplatively, a small smile turning to a chuckle. "You don't remember anything so I'll comfort my ego with that."
His next words, however, were more serious. "We'll never know what really happened on the Odyssey, but I do know you love me. I'm not trying to imply. Sam, I trust you, don't think for one minute." He sighed, not quite able to find the right way to express his meaning. "I really wouldn't blame you for wanting... this."
Sam was still reeling from what he said. Clearly, he'd given this some thought. Jack had always loved her enough to let her go if that was what she truly wanted. He had amply demonstrated this during those months she'd spent with Pete, and they had discussed that before. Such a discussion had been an unavoidable part of their developing relationship.
Now, it seemed he loved her even more than even she had ever suspected; enough to consider the possible consequences of her confinement on the Odyssey, the despair and desperation, and forgive her for anything she might have done during those unending years, whether it was merely speculation or not.
Of course, it helped that neither of them would ever know for sure, and might have been different if they did know, but she would happily settle for his thoughts on the subject. They exposed aspects of her husband's complex, and often intense, character that she hadn't been aware of. Way deeper than he had already revealed. Sam was pleased she had allowed the conversation to continue instead of steering him away.
In return for that enduring and acutely held feeling, her love for Jack ratcheted up another notch - a very large notch.
"This?" she queried, keeping her eyes firmly fixed on his.
"You know what I mean. Sex is great, Sam, but it's not everything. It's the intimacy that really means something; sharing the little moments with someone you care deeply about and who cares deeply about you. This."
He grinned boyishly and Sam leaned over to kiss his cheek, nodding. They snuggled closer, Jack's arms draped around her, while she buried her head in his chest.
"I love you, Jack," she said. "It's good to be home."
"Right backatchya, honey."
Sam's thoughts wondered as she relished her husband's presence; the intimacy as he so charmingly put it. Before this relationship with her husband had blossomed and developed into the special something they shared, Sam would not truly have understood what he meant; not in her heart and soul. She had probably believed she understood; she had been engaged to be married twice before, after all - Jack wasn't the first man in her life.
The relationship with her husband, however, was so much more than anything she had previously experienced; more powerful, more passionate, more sharing, more profound, more special; more intimate. Sam couldn't have pinpointed the differences in words that really meant anything, couldn't even start to describe or articulate them, but she knew they were there. Before Jack, intimacy had just been a word.
She realized that this was what she would have missed most of all while stranded on the Odyssey for all those years. That lack of the special moments her husband had referred to would have left her aching, empty and lonely because, for the first time in her life, she would have truly appreciated what she was missing.
This is what Jack seemed to understand might have caused her to seek solace elsewhere, to attempt to find those special moments and intimacy with someone other than him during that unending time. This is what he was forgiving her for, whether it had really happened or not. He understood and forgave because he knew precisely what she would have grieved and yearned for - he felt it too.
Jack identified with that loss of intimacy, and understood it, because he had lived through a similar experience before, with Sara and without her. Now, he had found it again with Sam, something they had touched on during their evolving relationship, and that she now comprehended.
Yes, Sam knew exactly what Jack meant. This. This was everything, and it meant the world to her.
Story Notes: Season: 10 - missing scenes from, and episode tag for, Unending.
Spoilers: Anything up to and including S10 is possible, but specific spoilers for Unending and Lines in the Sand
Author's Note:
1. This story was inspired by the small moment of comfort we see Teal'c provide to Sam while trapped on the Odyssey, which moved both me and my muse. Jack's wrongheaded absence from the very final episode of SG-1 also provoked my muse, so he plays a big part in this fic - go figure!
2. The episode is not very clear about the amount of time passing between the various scenes on the Odyssey, or how much time has passed on Earth during their absence. Thus, I have followed the episode's lead and been vague about that in the story. I don't believe the story requires me to be more specific.
3. This story has not been beta read, so I hope you will forgive any errors. Hopefully there are very few. As to the story itself, I leave it to readers to decide if this could have happened.
Spoilers: Anything up to and including S10 is possible, but specific spoilers for Unending and Lines in the Sand
Author's Note:
1. This story was inspired by the small moment of comfort we see Teal'c provide to Sam while trapped on the Odyssey, which moved both me and my muse. Jack's wrongheaded absence from the very final episode of SG-1 also provoked my muse, so he plays a big part in this fic - go figure!
2. The episode is not very clear about the amount of time passing between the various scenes on the Odyssey, or how much time has passed on Earth during their absence. Thus, I have followed the episode's lead and been vague about that in the story. I don't believe the story requires me to be more specific.
3. This story has not been beta read, so I hope you will forgive any errors. Hopefully there are very few. As to the story itself, I leave it to readers to decide if this could have happened.
End Notes: Many thanks to everyone who has followed this story and sent me such terrific feedback, support and encouragement. Having been under attack from some quarters for daring to pair Sam with Teal'c in the first place, I have appreciated and cherished every word.
I am not sure how some of you might have expected this story to end, or whether you even expected it to end yet. This seems an appropriate ending to me, albeit bittersweet with happiness for J&S and sorrow for Teal'c. I would so appreciate any thoughts because, despite what I've said, my muse is restless so, who knows.? :-)
I am not sure how some of you might have expected this story to end, or whether you even expected it to end yet. This seems an appropriate ending to me, albeit bittersweet with happiness for J&S and sorrow for Teal'c. I would so appreciate any thoughts because, despite what I've said, my muse is restless so, who knows.? :-)
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]