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Category: S/J UST

Spoilers: A lot of Season 3

Archive: SJA

Feedback: yes please

Authors Notes: Just something that came to me while I was trying to finish off Dark Shadows (it will happen one day, I promise) meanwhile I hope you enjoy.

He says its final. Two hours ago he's asking me to go fishing with him on some lake in Minnesota and now its final!!

'Its an order, major.......'

And he fixes me with that look. I've seen it so many times and ignored it. Like when Samantha was here, I saw how he was watching me. He thinks I didn't notice but I did. How could I not?


Yes I'm his major, but what the hell am I supposed to do about it? I see how he's watching me. I'm his major but what if.....?

'Goodnight...... Major.'

He's wondering, just like I am. I saw how she was looking at him and I heard what Kawalsky said.

'......My best friends wife.'

Of course I know who his best friend is....or was. They were married. WE were married. Only not us. Them. But what's the difference?? Its us, only without the rules and dictates that tell us its so wrong.

'....My best friends wife.'

His best friends wife. Jack O'Neill and Samantha Carter, married. How would that work in this world? A simple answer. It wouldn't.

'I can't imagine going military.'

'Wow! I can't imagine not!'

And there it is. The difference. The reason why we'll never be together. I'm military and Colonel Jack O'Neill is outwith my grasp.


He knew and he wondered too. If only..... If only... But 'if only..' can break your heart. I just wish I'd heard what they had said on the other side of the mirror. After the kiss. How was I supposed to feel when I saw that? Uncomfortable? How could I feel uncomfortable when I'd wanted it for so long? Jealous? But how could I be jealous when it was me he was kissing?

And so I carried on. The dutiful soldier. Throughout everything I dedicated myself to him. Despite it all, my loyalty was unwavering. I never doubted him.

'I haven't been myself since I meant you.'

What does that mean? How much has my presence affected him? As much as he has affected me? And he has. The walls that I built to deflect all misogynistic criticism, are chipped away by every second I spend with him. The superficial shield that has surrounded me ever since I joined the Air Force has become meaningless since he became my leader.

'I haven't been myself since I met you.'

And I hadn't begun to know myself until I met you, sir.

Then for a few moments it seemed like Fate would be kind. Did I hear right?

'Was that an invitation.....sir?'

'Nothing wrong with that is there?'

On the contrary, sir. There's nothing wrong. Its how things should be. One syllable.


No saving the world, no interplanetary diplomacy. Just you and me. One word and there's no going back.

But now it all means nothing. Thank you, Thor.

'Its an order, Major, and its final.'

Its final. He's going to die up there. Without me. Its not right, I can't begin to explain it, but he can't die alone. I should be there. He should be with me.

'Colonel?' I have to tell him.

'....and its final.' He's not listening. His eyes bore into mine. Does he know how much I want to hang on to his image, how much I long for his hologram to become substantial so that I can hold him as he once held me so long ago?

'...its final.'

Even as I hear the Generals words overriding his order I know that its anything but final. We were once told that our journey is just beginning and I'll be damned if I'm going to continue on it, knowing that we left someone behind. So just accept it, O'Neill. It may be an order, but when was the last time I obeyed one of those wherever you were concerned. Its an order Colonel, but its anything but final.


Laura :) if you liked it e mail me off list. If you didn't well you can still let me know :)

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