"Please don't say 'I love you',
Those words touch me much too deeply
And they make my core tremble,
Don't think you realize the power you have over me. "
My eyes flick up from my desk as I hear the soft words sung from across the room. Due to situations out of our control, SG-1 had once again walked onto a new planet completly unprepared. Funny, you would of thought over the years we would of known better.
Guess not. So now, here we all are. Recovering from the effects of a drug addiction that took us all by surprise. Of course you can't blame us for having no idea that a place itself would take a huge effect on our mental state, and there is no way we could of come prepared, but you have to admit Trouble seems to be hanging over SG-1 like a cloud.
Maybe it's the depression talking, but it feels like from day one SG-1 were doomed. Doomed to suffer every fate under the sun, enduring the feeling of having your heart ripped out of you more times than anyone of us can remember, and to still have the stupidty (the airforce calls it duty) to get out of bed each moringing and do it all again. I'm starting to feel like the tag line of a very bad joke.
But back to the reason why I looked up in the first place. The first bar of the song seemed to litterly wack the side of my brain and scream at me to wake up. Those simply three words still manage to, even at my age, cause nothing but heartache. Three words that i have been longing to say for the last 5 years, but have kept me silent all because of one thing. Regulations. The airforce. Well that's two, but their the same. The regulation is there becasue of the airforce. Now twenty years ago I was the king of making and breaking orders, regulations was nothing more then a leacture that i got at the end of the day. But back then i had nothing to loose. Now....i have everything to loose.
"And please don't come so close,
It makes me want to make you near me always. "
The person singing those words seems oblivous of my staring. She sitting there with her headphones on, laying back on the couch with closed eyes and singing along to the c.d she is listening to. You can tell, just by watching the way her facial expressions change as she sings each word, that it has a personal effect on her. The way her tone rises and falls has nothing to do with keeping up with the singer, but has everything to do with the way she feels when singing the words. Who would of thought that Samantha Carter could sing her life's story in a couple of bars.
I hear the rumours and hear the gossip. They say she's as hard as rock and is about as emotional as one. But they obviously are talking through the rear ends becasue anyone who knows her well knows that Samantha Carter is one woman who wears her heart on her sleeve. I might of agreed with those airmen bitching about her when i first met her. Strong and confident and standing high on her soap box sprouting her rights infront of a room full of men who couldn't give a damn. I could of laughed when she tried to challange me. I'd met women like her before, albiet none so striking, but women who saw through the testrone and macho bullshit and could knock you right down to your level. It impressed me and amused me at the same time to see her snap at kowalsky and make him feel like a idiot infront of all of us. She almost had me convinced that she was a little G.I.JANE. until I found out she was a scientist.
I could of screamed. This was my big break, my new future and I was stuck with a woman who knew nothing except mumbo jumbo which would go in one ear and out the other. None of her science stuff related to what i wanted to know. We where there to kick some series alien ass, not to go 'oh ah, that's nice, let's take samples' or what ever scientist do that makes them so boring. I stood looking at her wandering why a pretty young thing like her would want to be burried in a lab when she could be having some fun.
I smile as i remember just how niave I had been. She had taught me so much since then and I can happily say she made me find my pactience with science. I still didn't understand a single thing about it, or would i ever, but she made me care that i didn't understand and she made me want to understand what she was saying. That's what the airmen didn't know, Samantha Carter made you feel. Her theories are a little 'out there' sometimes, but she always manage to make you feel important, as if you where the only one in the world she was telling this too and it made you feel....i dont' know special.
"Please don't kiss me so sweet,
It makes me crave a thousand kisses to follow,
And please don't touch me like that,
it makes every other embrace seem pale and shallow."
But something had change a year ago. Actually i think it had been changing since day one only very slowly and only now i realize it has changed. I'm not making any sense am I? Well I told you how she makes people feel special and makes them feel important. Well a little over a year ago when she was trapped behind a forcefeild i began to realise she had me feeling a lot more then special. I felt....loved. Wanted. Needed. Something I had expreinced only breifly before. Her eyes where so urget and so pleading and it hit me. I needed her just as much as she needed me. But then came the next revelation. It could never be.
Barely escaping with our lives intact we scrambled back to base. We rejoiced that night. We had come so close to losing everything that we all burst into tears after a couple of drinks. Imagine the faces on the bar tenders as four grown adults burst into sobs. Well 3 really, Teal'c just sniffeld a bit. (You know Teal'c isn't the bear everyone thinks he is, the man is a teddy bear underneath--much to his discusts and our glee!) But something changed that night. When I took Carter home with the intent to have more then coffee, we both relized something in the threos of passion. We could never be.
For the rest of the night we just lay their holding on to each other and said our goodbyes silently. We already regretted what we had done, knowing it was only going to make things harder (which it has) and I left and we never spoke of it again. Not that I havn't been tempted too. But after having to confess to a stupid mechine that I cared about her we both silently agreed enough was enough, this had to end. And so it did.
We havn't touch, havn't kissed, havn't even spoken or looked at each other wrongly. We've stayed trapped behind those stupid lines and retreated back into our little world of self suffering. It hurts like crazy even now to watch her sitting there on the couch, her legs drapped casually over Daniels as she sings, and to know that we could NEVER be caught being that comfortable together.
"Please don't look at me like that,
it just makes me want to make you near me always."
It's been hard for her too, I know. I've caught her a couple of times rubbing her arms from the cold during a mission and I see her glance over at me and our eyes lock. For a breif second we connect and I tell her with my eyes how much I love her, only for her to frown and shake her head. That hurts more then the regulation, is her denying me to love her.
I know I could make her happy if we could be given the chance to be together. We could have such a wonderful life, we've already seen the evidence in the other alternate worlds. How i evny all those Jack's out there. I hope they know how precious their time together is.
We both know why the regulations are there. We know there not there just to add extra tourcher on us. It's for a good reason. I've seen what it can do to people. We've already seen what it can do to this team. Daniel wasn't shy when confronting us about how he felt he was just the third wheel. Teal'c also gave his two cents of disaproval. I'm not mad at them at all, I appreciate that they had enough faith in us to confront us and to tell us how they really felt. It wasn't a guilt trip by any means, they where just letting us know how they saw things. And they where right, we where neglecting our duties. I knew without a doubt when it came down to life or death and I had to choose one of my team mates over Sam, Sam would always win. Just as she knew that when ever a situation came along they needed us to think clearly and responsibly we couldn't do it, becasue she couldn't bare to lose
"Please don't send me flowers,
they only whisper the sweet things you say,
don't try to understand me
your hands already know too much anyway. "
But I can't deny what I feel for her. Nobody can douse that flame that will always burn for her. Nobody will ever replace that and she knows it, just like everybody else knows it. I have many a word with Jacob, he's been very suportive of this situation. I hadn't expected him to understand, but someone he had and he told me to just keep trying to maintain my responsibility. He's a good man, Jacob, I respect him in ways i never respected my own father and I hope even after all is said and done, Jacob and I can still talk to each other as we do now.
And not to forget the General. He has been awake many a night thinking of a salution. I know Sam has confided in him many a time and that the General will always have a soft spot for Sam. Just as he has for all of us, but i think he's become very protective of her over the years and I don't know whether that is a good thing or not.
"And when you look in my eyes
Please know my heart is in you hands,
It's nothing that i understand,
But when in your arms you have complete power over me."
She opens her eyes now and I can tell by the look that has crossed her face she is remembering that night. As full of regret it was it was possibly the best night I've ever had. Not becasue it was hot and passionate but becasue each kiss and every caress was full of love and it was more an act of demonstrating our already confirmed love physically and mentally. It was intense that even now my tempreture saws and my skin feels like it's on fire.
A single look is all it take and her eyes begin to well with tears. She's seen me watching her, and she's seen the desprate look in my eye and she hates me for it. Not literally, shes just angry becasue she dosn't want to feel this way any more. Neither do it, but the possension of my heart is beyond my control. Her frown only fuels the fire in my stomach and I lower my head shamefully.
I'm trying Sam, really I am. I'm not as strong as you, I can't do this anymore. It's too much. It hurts.
I kick my chair back angrily and storm towards the couch. She sits up frighted and Daniel drops his book in shock at the rage that has crossed my face. Teal'c stands suddenly unsure of what is going on. I look at her and she knows instantly. "Don't." She says in a low voice and Daniel looks between us confused.
Suddenly all energy saps from my bones and I feel so alone. Everyone is looking at me waiting, watching, trying to figure out what I am going to do next. I let my shoulders sag and I turn around. "Just stop singing." I snap and then storm back over to my desk and drop into my chair.
"Jack." Daniel leactures from the couch as Teal'c takes his seat again. Sam stands up and removes her head phones coming over to me. I don't look up at her, already sensing the disaproval that is boring from her eyes.
"Maybe you'd like to listen to it instead." She says dropping in infront of me. The headphones fall into my lap and I refuse to look up at her. I feel her turn around and go back to the couch, taking her seat beside Daniel again and glaring at me from accross the room.
I close my eyes and try to control myself. Janet enters the room, telling us that our hormone levels wont be settled for some time and that we have been confined to this room for another 24 hours. Great. Is all I can think as an airmen deposits food on the table. No one makes a move towards me. They just sit numbly staring at the door where Janet has left.
Teal'c stands and says his goodbye. The lucky bastard was never infected because of his simbiot, so he has only been staying to keep us company. He glances at me and tells me he will fetch my gameboy and sends Sam a reassuring smile before leaving us alone.
Withdrawl sucks.
THE END
Story Notes: FEEDBACK: PLease....*puppy eyes* I would really appreciate it!
AUTHOUR NOTE: does the term 'back in the saddle again' suit this fic? It's been a long time since i posted a fic and hopefully i can keep sending more. Oh yes, and please, please forgive the spelling mistakes my spell checker has gone haywire!
AUTHOUR NOTE: does the term 'back in the saddle again' suit this fic? It's been a long time since i posted a fic and hopefully i can keep sending more. Oh yes, and please, please forgive the spelling mistakes my spell checker has gone haywire!
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]