Promises by Michelle Birkby

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Story Notes: mbirky@hotmail.com

Archive, sam and jack, heliopolis please

Spoilers, Divide and Conquer, upgrades, Entity

Status. complete

Author's notes; This is set some time in between Divide and Conquer and Entity. The last part is set during entity

It was a perfect day in paradise when the end of my life began.

We were, for once, safe, and happy, in a beautiful place, on such a lovely day, thoughts of death so far away, especially hers.

We'd come through the gate onto a peaceful planet, for a change. No natives, not any we'd seen anyway, no bad guys, not even any weird plants, and enough ruins to keep Daniel occupied for hours. The sun shone, the grass was springy and green, and felt so good to lie on, the air was sweet, and life, while not all I could have wished it to be, was good.

Strictly speaking, we should have gone back straight away. Reported to Hammond that everything was 'smooth and sweatless' (I'd have said it just to see Sam's face at Hammond's reaction), reported the ruins, and gone home. Daniel could have taken SG6 to do a dig at some point in the future, and we'd be ready for the next planet, the next great adventure.

But no-one did. Well, come on, we deserved the rest. It was so peaceful, so calm, and still, and that was rare in our lives. So we grabbed at it, as you do when you're all too aware that the next day, the next hour could bring chaos, war and death.

I stretched out on the grass, relaxing, feeling my back click and stretch and shift until everything was just in the right place, and stared into the endless blue sky. Daniel drifted off into the ruins, down below, Teal'c following, which left Sam wondering around with her instruments, trying her best to measure, quantify and catalogue beauty.

"Sit down, Carter." I murmured, as she buzzed around me, murmuring to herself as she adjusted her readings.

"In a minute." she told me. "I need to measure the.."

"No you don't. Sit down. Relax. Play hooky. Or do I need to order you?"

I gave her a mock threatening look, and she laughed, and sat down beside me, staring over the valley, across the planet. I just lay, eyes closed, warmly aware of her presence, of the soft sound of her breath, of the sharp, almost silent rustle of her BDU's as she moved slightly, of everything I could see, and feel and intuit about her. This was paradise. Not the planet. Her. Her, beside me.

I smiled. For ages now, I'd had an impossible dream, about her, about us. But recent events, while traumatic at the time, had been enlightening. I was almost grateful to Anise, despite the fact that everything good she'd done for us had been entirely by accident. But, for the first time, I had hope. I had hope in my life, and a dream I was just beginning to see as reality.

"Sir?" she said, questioning, hesitantly.

"Mmm?" I replied carelessly, lost in daydreams.

"There's something I need to tell you."

"Oh.?"

"Something serious." she added. I opened one eye and looked at her. She looked solemn, and slightly worried.

The daydreams faded from my mind, and a sudden stab of something cold shot through me, as if someone had walked over my grave. I sat up.

"Go on, Major." I told her, using her title to let her know whatever she said, I would accept as her commanding officer, not her friend, not the man who was in love with her.

"I..Well...I don't know how to start." she stammered, unusual for her, normally so sure of whatever she wanted to say, normally so in control.

"At the beginning?"

"Okay." She took a deep breath, and then the words all tumbled out at once. "I've made a living will. I don't want extraordinary measures to be used to save my life."

She didn't look at me, as she said this, and I know why. She was afraid. Afraid to see the sudden stab of fear. Those few words had suddenly bought back to me how close our escapes had really been, how many times we'd been seconds away from dying, and how much I would do to save her, how far I would go. She couldn't take that away from me. All I had, all I would ever have, was the chance to protect her, save her.

'I'm going to lose her' I thought.

"Define extraordinary measures." I said, my voice only just not shaking.

"Janet knows..." she started to say, but I didn't let her finish.

"Do you mean, don't give CPR? Don't use those a defibrillator? Don't use a sarcophagus?" I snapped harshly, feeling her flinch from my words.

I was angry. She was taking something precious away from me. She was taking her life away from me!

"Don't watch your back? Don't shoot the jaffa with his gun on you? Next time Apophis gets hold of you, just leave you two to it, while the rest of us go home? Is that what you mean?"

"No!" she snapped, finally. Then, "sir." as if she remembered once again who I really am. "I mean, for example, being kept alive by machines. Or if I was possessed again, by a Gou'ald or something. It was terrible being possessed by Jolinar, you don't know.."

"I do know." I reminded her gently. "I know what its like to be on the outside, looking in, and not be able to help, to save you. But we freed you from Jolinar, we could do it again."

"No, Jolinar chose to go. She died to save me. Another entity might not do that."

She paled again, as she always did when Jolinar's name came up. I didn't know what it was like, and she would never talk of it. She would just go quiet, and fragile, and turn away.

"I don't want to become like Sha're." she said softly. "Watching through my own eyes as I kill and destroy those I care for, with my own hands, and never be able to stop myself. Share my body with a parasite that will take away anything good in my life. I cannot, I WILL not become a host again. And I don't want you.." her voice trailed off, heavy with meanings she will never speak aloud.

"You don't want me to become like Daniel." I finished. "Spending my life trying to save you, and knowing all the time its hopeless."

"No." she whispered, and she looked up at me. Her eyes were full of tears, sparkling and reflecting and capturing the sunlight, and all I wanted to do is promise her that while she lives, I would never give up, I'd go further than Daniel, succeed where he failed, I would...'

"Promise me." she said, suddenly, and for a moment I thought she'd read my thoughts again. "Promise me, if I get possessed again, you'll kill me before I harm anyone."

"Sam, I can't.."

"Yes you can. You have to. Janet's already agreed to this, but in the field, on a mission, you might have to do it, and I need you to promise."

'It'll never happen. I'll never let it happen.' I swore to myself, as I promised her. She noded, and turn away.

"One more thing." she said, slowly. "Don't die for me, Sir."

I should have asked her what she means, but I know. Its been in my nightmares, and maybe hers, for a while now. A corridor, the sound of Jaffa coming, her standing there, begging me to go, I refuse to leave, struck by the sudden realisation of what we are to each other, only a delicate blue tracery, seemingly insubstantial as a breath separating us. But in my dreams, there's no bomb, the barrier doesn't come down, and we die.

"It's my choice." I said, quietly.

"No, its mine." she asserted. "Don't die for me." she turned to face me, and I've never seen her face so set, so determined. "Not now, not ever. I am not worth your death, and don't argue with me, Sir." She stood up.

"Is that what started all his?" I asked her, not wanting to hear the answer, but needing to know. "That 30 seconds in the corridor, when I wouldn't leave?"

"You have to follow my wishes, Sir." was all she said, but her hand, at my eye-level, tightened on her trousers. "You have to, as my commanding officer."

"No extraordinary measures." I agreed. "Let you die if I have to. And if, God forbid, you get possessed again, kill you. Is that right?" i stood up to face her, anger and fear biting in my voice.

"That's right." she nodded.

"Fine." I agreed. "If you'll do the same for me."

And then it flickered across her face. Sudden pain, fear, loss, anger, everything I'd felt in the past few minutes crossed her eyes, and I knew she understood what she was asking me to do. She knew the pain the idea cost me, and this wasn't a frivolous request, a moment's passing thought. She MEANT this.

"I promise." she told me.

And then Daniel joined us, all allergies and excitements, and rocks, and we didn't speak about it again.

*********************************************************************

I shot her. It. Whatever it was possessing her. I remembered her words, as I shot the first time.

*I cannot, I will not become a host again.*

I know if that thing gets into the mainframe, it will kill us all, and I will have died trying to save her.

*I don't want you dying for me, Sir.*

I don't want to fire, God help me, don't make me kill her, but I can hear her now, her soft voice in the summer sunshine.

*Promise me, if I get possessed again, you will kill me before I harm anyone.*

It's Sam, but its not, and all I can hear is her voice now, and I know that if I kill her now, my life is over, it's ended.

*Promise me!*

I fired, and although Janet put her on a ventilator straight away, we both know our Sam, her best friend, my saviour, the woman I loved, is dead.

"Sam made a living will." Janet reminds me. "No extraordinary means."

"She told me."

She told me, on a perfect day in paradise, when my life began to end.

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