Story Notes: EMAIL:

STATUS: Complete

SPOILERS/SEASON INFO: Stargate (the movie), minor ones for Children of the Gods, The First Commandment.

ARCHIVE: SJ Relationship Archive and Heliopolis; all others email first.

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Something a bit different, not really that interesting! :-) A definite insomnia fic. Feedback always appreciated though!

Copyright (c) August 2000


God I'm so jealous. So utterly, unbelievably *goddamn* jealous. I'm sitting here reading about this totally unbelievable mission that Colonel Jack O'Neill and his team had on Abydos. Sure Dr. Jackson died and that was bad, but ... I don't even know him. I can't help but think that I'm meant to be out there as well, you know? Not stuck in my too-square Pentagon office overlooking some stupid trees and just reviewing their mission notes. God. Life's not fair. Has it ever been?

Okay, I'm taking a deep breath now ... and another one ... and another one. I'm so frustrated at the moment I could *scream* . Except of course that I *can't*. Goddamn can't. Shit. Can't even swear, because that wouldn't be right. Wouldn't be seemly for Captain Samantha Carter, USAF theoretical astrophysicist to just scream her frustration out for all to hear now would it?!

Was it because she was a woman? No it can't be that . I'm smart dammit! I've paid my dues. I've had to tolerate the less than human drill sergeants who made her life a living hell just because she could hold her own with the guys. I went to MIT, got myself a PhD in astrophysics ... just like she'd said she would. And now I'm working for the Pentagon, as close as I'm ever going to get to her dream, her goal, her life ... to go to the stars.

I shouldn't be swearing so much, it's not right. Oh my God, can I just hear myself? I can't even swear in my own head? How repressed can you be Sam? Just because Dad and Mark are like that it doesn't mean you have to be ...

Colonel O'Neill's mission report seems to taunt me with its lustre of adventure. I can't even think about it without feeling sick with envy, with its alien 'Goa'ulds' and its Abydonians. It sounds so great ... Travelling to a completely different planet light years away, discovering a totally alien culture that's so different to our own, working out any similarities and differences between our planets. I wonder what their soil composition is like? By all accounts it seems like it's has an extremely arid environment. I wonder if there's any special properties in its atmosphere that's significantly different from Earth's? I wonder ...

I suppose I should be thankful that I was even *allowed* near this project, dubbed by my superiors as the 'Stargate Project'. I suppose I should be utterly grateful that I had the opportunity to assemble my own team of experts and run simulations with the symbols on the gate and study the gate technology more closely. Delve more into wormhole physics, perhaps even become some sort of pioneer in it. I mean, that's great isn't it? At least it allows me to do *something* that's pretty darn interesting.

I mean, a gate that allows you to travel to a planet thousands of light years away. That's *got* to be a more than significant leap in astrophysics, right?

I wonder what it'd be like to go through it?

Well forget that. I'm not going through it any time soon. I heard that Colonel O'Neill went into retirement after the mission, and the others were reassigned to other covert ops. They decommissioned the Stargate. Good. Good for them. Great ... while my work continues. Not that I don't like my work ... I do. It sounds as if I'm trying to reassure myself but I'm not. I love what I do. It's just that ... I want more.

I want adventure. I want the chance to test my military-acquired skills. I want the chance to put my intellect to the test, to see if I'm good ... or just good enough. I want my dream.

I want to go through that Stargate.


My eyes are blurry. Actually, I think I meant that my vision is blurry but I think I know what I mean. Oh God just listen to me. I'm having whole conversations with myself sitting in front of this stupid computer, running my nightly quota of permutations from the symbols from the Stargate. I love challenges but I think this is getting a little ridiculous. Every night after my staff goes home I'm eating dinner in my lab, reviewing the latest tests and diagnostics and wondering for the life of me why none of the permutations are yielding any results ... it's probably something to do with my computer program but I haven't been able to figure out what exactly. Or as my inner voice keeps insisting, it probably just means that the gate doesn't *go* anywhere else. Only to Abydos. Which basically means I've been wasting my nights analysing a bunch of crap ...

It's been a year now and still I plod on. I've had a good look at the gate a few times (although not as much as I'd like) and analysed its circuitry. I *think* I know how it works, although it took me a good 6 months to work it out ... the math and physics of it are so complex I didn't know what to believe. That a device found amidst the ruins of Ancient Egypt could yield such a scientific marvel was still beyond my understanding ...

Officially the Stargate has been decommissioned but I know for a fact that it's just not sitting there unguarded. Several times I've tried to gain access to the 'Gate itself to try out symbols but they've never given me clearance. What I wouldn't give ...

I sound obsessed. Maybe I am ... but it's not as if I have anything else in my life. I just broke it off with Jonas but funnily enough ... I don't feel as bad as I should feel. Actually, it gave me a big sense of relief, which goes to show once again my penchant for the lunatic fringe. I'm *really* not good with men ... my problem is that I keep falling for the wrong ones. Where's my nice Prince Charming, coming on his big white horse to sweep me into his arms and ride away happily ever after into the brilliant sunset?

Okay ... maybe that's just a tad too unrealistic. But maybe wanting someone who understands me, who knows how to let me be me? Not scared off by my intelligence ... or scared off by my work? Is that too much to ask?

No, it's not. But ... back to my computer data. God my eyes hurt. Okay. Break time.

[6 months later]

I'm happy . No, I think I should rephrase that . I'm really really absolutely, deliriously ... happy. I'm in shock. I think I'm in shock. My limited medical field training *definitely* tells me that it's shock.

I'm in! I'm in the Stargate project! I got the call this morning after pulling one of my all nighters, working on refining one of my computer programs. And ... I'm in! They finally recognised me as their top Stargate technology expert and I'm to be reassigned to the SGC. The Stargate Command. Cheyenne Mountain, Colorado Springs.

Why they're reopening the project I'm not quite clear on, though I get the impression that reopening it isn't really a matter of choice. There'd been an abduction of a USAF Sergeant by alien beings that came through the Stargate. That's all I know. I don't know what they expect me to do, but I'm going to take this chance and run with it. I'm not going to let them railroad me into some technical consultant's post . I want to go through the Stargate on the mission. I *have* to go through it. It's become my life's work ... and my life, outside my family.

I know I've become obsessed with it, but I don't care. I've read Colonel O'Neill's Abydos mission report so many times I can memorise it word for word. Word for word . And my thoughts always return to one thing.

I should've gone through the Stargate the first time around.

Now they're reopening it and I swear, I'm going to take my chance this time and go. I *have* to know what it's like. I just *have* to.


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