I pull out the cd keeper and rifle through the many cases I've collected over the years. I stop over my newest purchase, shaking my head in disbelief that I bought it. If it hadn't been for Cassandra playing it on our last road trip, I would never have bought it. But tonight, I'm glad that I did.
It's a simple song, nothing but a piano, a few string instruments and of course five young men singing. It's a beautiful ballad and one that my heart identifies with so strongly that it can make me cry.
I pull out the case and remove the cd from it. Turning on my stereo, I open the cd player and slide the disk into place. The display comes up and tells me that there are 13 tracks to choose from. I only want to hear one of them tonight, the last one. I set the player to play track 13 and hit the repeat button. It will continue to play it until I decide to stop it. Pressing play, the piano starts playing softly, followed by the strings. And one of the five voices start to sing - so careful not to disturb the web that the music is weaving around my heart.
Remember when
We never needed each other
The best of friends like
Sister and bother
We understood
We'd never be
Alone
I know that for now, we have to be apart. It doesn't make it any easier though. Perhaps only having candlelight will help me not see his picture on the mantle - the one with Cassandra at the amusement park last fall.
Those days are gone
Now I want so much
The night is long
And I need your touch
Don't know what to say
Never meant to feel this way
Don't wanna be
Alone tonight
I want him so much. But it's forbidden. Every time I'm like this - I can feel my heart ache a little deeper. Loneliness can hurt more than any weapon ever could. I'm going to curl up on the couch and just listen to the music. If my heart can't sore with his…then perhaps it can be lonely like his.
What can I do to make you mine
Falling so hard
So fast this time
What did I say
What did you do
How did I fall in love with you
(Ooh, ho)
How did I fall in love with him? It wasn't planned. As soon as I realized what was happening - I tried to stop it. I didn't want it to happen. I've lectured myself so many times on what the regulations and rules say about it that I know every word, every syllable by heart. I can recite them from memory.
I hear your voice
And I start to tremble
Brings back the child that
I resemble
I cannot pretend
That we can still be friends
Don't wanna be
Alone tonight
His voice - it has such a power over me. I can tell his mood without looking at him, as long as I hear his voice first. I know every nuance. I know exactly what he's planning on doing just by hearing the tone and how he inflects his voice.
What can I do
To make you mine
Falling so hard
So fast this time
What did I say
What did you do
How did I fall in love with you
What can I do? It's a hopeless situation. My head knows this...I wish someone would explain it to my heart because it's sure not listening to me. Great. Someone's at the door. I'm not in the mood for company tonight people - just go away.
Oh I want to say this right
And it has to be tonight
Just need you to know, oh yeah
I don't wanna live this life
I don't wanna say goodbye
With you I wanna spend
The rest of my life
I'm sunk...done for - finished - might as well give up now. I know that deep down, inside of me, inside my heart - I'll never feel this way about someone else. I feel like my only chance for happiness is with him. If I can't be with him, then I'll never be happy. Can't those people get the hint! I'm not answering the door. Go away. Knocking? They're knocking. Fine. I'll answer the door - but you're going to be sorry about dragging me there.
What can I do
To make you mine
Falling so hard
So fast this time
What did I say
What did you do
How did I fall in love with you
Crap! I should have looked out of the peephole first. Here I am with tears in my eyes, lights off and nothing but candles burning, a romantic song playing on the stereo, and who should knock on my door but the very object of my desire. He's standing there - all in black. He looks so handsome in black. He's not saying a word, just staring at me. He's listening to the music too. I'll pull him inside so the neighbors will quit looking.
What can I do
To make you mine
Falling so hard
So fast this time
Everything's changed
We never knew
I've led him inside and then went to stand in front of the mantle, with my back to him. I can't face him...not like this. He's not supposed to see me this way, raw - full of emotions - hurting that I can't touch him - hold him - love him. I picked a lovely place to stand to not see him - right in front of the mantle - with his picture facing me. I feel him approach me and slide his arms around my waist and put his head on my shoulder. I turn around to face him - those eyes - those brown eyes - they're so full of emotion tonight - no walls in place - nothing to hide - or emotions to guard.
How did I fall
In love
With you
I place my head on his shoulder as the song ends and starts over again, content to lean on my commanding officer...but he's not that tonight - he's my friend, perhaps one day we'll be lovers, but for right now all we can have are these quiet moments. When no one is round to judge or condemn us for our feelings, however inappropriate they may be. My heart is happy that he's here, even though it knows that this is the limit of how far we can go tonight. My brain reminds me that this will just make it harder to see him tomorrow - that my heart will hurt a little more because of this right now. But it's a price I'm willing to pay for these precious few moments with my friend, my soul mate. And maybe, just maybe, my heart will have a little more hope tomorrow that one day, in the future, we'll be together and there won't be any regulations to care about.
Story Notes: AUTHOR'S NOTES: This was inspired while I was listening to "How Did I Fall In Love With You" sung by Backstreet Boys (written by: Howie Dorough/Calum MacColl/Andrew Fromm). If you're interested in hearing the song…it's on their Black & Blue release. While listening to songs for my own upcoming wedding, I found this rare gem and thought that it suited Sam and Jack to a "T". Feedback always appreciated - flames will be used to light my grill. ;)
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]