Hurts The Most by Nicole K

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Story Notes: FEEDBACK: Absolutely! :)

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Just a short piece to get rid of some angsty jealously really :) Copyright (c) 2000 Nicole K

Love and jealously - a hand in hand concept really. It seems you can't have one without the other. A strong, quick heartbeat, laughter and desire; bitterness, pain and tears. Like I said, it seems they are inseparable.

"What ravages of spirit conjured this temptuous rage created you a monster broken by the rule of love and fate has lead you through it you do what you have to do and fate has lead you through it you do what you have to do"

I think I'm in love, but I'm also jealous as hell. This man, this being, this object of my affection - I don't know how he feels about me, but I know how he feels about HER. He LOVES her. He's MARRYING her. And it's my own damn fault really, because they'd never so much as heard of each other until I became the missing link. That's right, I introduced them, and as such am really responsible for my own downfall, doom and destruction.

"And I have the sense to recognise that I don't know how to let you go"

He's marrying her, and yet I still love him. Why the hell didn't I SAY anything? Why am I always the one who holds back, who sits quietly in the corner and worships from afar, who's always left behind in the dust and the tears?

"Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul I'm ever swiftly moving trying to escape this desire the yearning to be near you I do what I have to do the yearning to be near you I do what I have to do"

I miss him. He hasn't GONE anywhere, not in geographical terms at least. But the spark, the laughter in his eyes, the teasing in his voice has left, been aimed in a different direction. Aimed away from me. And, oh God, that hurts most. To know that he's there, within reach, and yet so far away that I CAN'T reach him. A paradoxical situation really.

"But I have the sense to recognise that I don't know how to let you go I don't know how to let you go"

For a while I lived in the sweet bliss of denial and ignorance; I didn't want to hear about her, about THEM, and chose to be unavailable for consultation or advice. I didn't want to come across as bitter and twisted, as JEALOUS. Because if there's one emotion I feel the need to hide more than love it's jealousy. And it'd have to be a cold day in hell before I gave him advice on his relationship with HER.

"A glowing ember burning hot, burning slow deep within I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you"

This isn't a new experience, I've been though it before. He's done this to me before. But fool me, you only fall harder the second time around. There was a time, a moment, a glance and a smile, and I thought that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't so completely off-base, so completely out of whack, and that maybe he loved me too. But, as always, we skirted and danced around each other, afraid to move and break the never-ending cycle we'd been living in.

"I know I can't be with you I do what I have to do I know I can't be with you I do what I have to do"

So now he's leaving me behind. As soon as I walked into that room and saw them standing cozily there I knew. I knew that everything I had accepted as a way of life had just been flipped and shaken, a little like trying to do a jigsaw when someone keeps pulling apart all your work. HOW, I felt like screaming. HOW can you possibly say you love her? HOW could you do this to me? Just how.

"And I have the sense to recognise but I don't know how to let you go I don't know how to let you go"

I love him, I want him, I need him, and he doesn't know. He's walking away. And I honestly don't know what to do. Without knowing, he's just ripped my still-beating heart from my body and thrown it away. So now I'm dead. Biology has taught me that it's extremely difficult to live without a heart, and mine's gone, therefore I must be dead. Or at least floundering and dying, the life slowly leaking and draining from me.

Oh God, Jack, you never knew, and it hurts like hell.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

End Notes: FEEDBACK!!!!!!!!

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