Sitting alone in his office, with only the company of last months post mission reports, Jack sighed deeply, anxious to get out of the mountain and home. Riffling through the reports, he groaned inwardly, knowing he would be here for at least another four hours getting these damn things finished. Glancing at his watch, he read 1400.
Grabbing his pen, he settled down for what was going to be a *long* afternoon.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Dammit!" Sam cursed, dropping her tool on the workbench as she sucked her now throbbing thumb. 'Pay attention Sam!' She berated herself. Truth was, her mind had been else where for a few weeks now, lost in the land of misery and confusion. Removing her thumb from her mouth, she saw that it had a nasty cut on it, the bright red blood oozing out.
Sighing defeatedly, she switched off her machines before she left the room, heading straight for the infirmary. The cut on her thumb wouldn't usually warrant a trek down to the infirmary, but her mind was so preoccupied with other things, she welcomed the minor disruption gladly. Anything to get her mind off things. Off *him*.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Marking the last of her charts off, Janet was moderately surprised to see Sam enter the infirmary, clutching her thumb.
"Hey! What can I do for you?" She greeted warmly, anxious to make Sam feel at ease. She didn't need to be a genius to see that Sam had been distracted lately, and she knew the cause wasn't something easily forgotten or resolved.
"Oh, I cut my thumb, seems my tools don't take too fondly to rough handling," Sam replied half-heartedly joking.
"Well, let have a look shall we?" Janet said, gesturing for Sam to take a seat on one of the beds.
"So, besides the hand, how have you been lately?"
"Not too bad," Sam lied. "I had some trouble sleeping last week, but I seem to be okay now."
Raising her eyebrow, Janet settled for Sam's response, tending to the laceration on Sam's thumb.
"Well, it doesn’t appear to have anything in it, it's just superficial and it should heal pretty nicely." Janet finished as she snapped off her latex gloves, placing her hands on her hips.
"So, you don't usually come down here for what is nothing more than a minor cut Sam, anything you wanna talk about?" she offered, hoping Sam would accept, get all this out into the open.
"No, not really," Sam stated, suddenly regretting her decision to come to the infirmary.
"Are you sure Sam? Because nothing goes any further than the two of us, and you look like you could use an ear to bend. I'm here for you Sam, don’t feel like you can't talk to me."
Looking up into Janet's eyes, Sam felt herself give in, "Do you have a couple of hours?"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Report, requisition, medical… goddammit, why so much paper work? We're saving the planet not opening a bank account." Jack grumbled, rubbing his temples.
"Hey!" Daniel greeted cheerily from the doorway, "you done yet?"
"No," Jack admitted, slumping further into his chair, "I just can't seem to concentrate lately."
"Any particular reason?" Daniel asked innocently, taking the liberty of seating himself in front of Jack's desk.
Unbidden, an image of a 5'10'' blonde haired blue eyed major came to the forefront of Jack's mind.
"No," Jack lied adverting Daniel's eyes, "No reason, just can't seem to get a grip."
"Okay then, well what reports are you up to? Maybe I can help," Daniel offered, picking up one of the reports sitting on a rather large pile of selfsame reports.
"P3X 244? Jack that was well over two months ago! Sheesh, you *do* have your work cut out for you huh?" Daniel replied, dropping the report back with its siblings.
"Thank you for the reminder Daniel," Jack retorted dryly. "I just let a few reports get on top of me, no big deal."
"Well, tell me where you're up to and I'll give you a hand," Daniel replied, pulling his chair round the corner, and settling down as Jack pulled out another report and began.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"..It's just so confusing! One minute I was so sure of my feelings, but now it's like," her hands gestured wildly, trying to demonstrate the turmoil inside, reminding Janet of the wild hand gestures displayed by a certain 6' 2'' colonel. "Oh I don't know any more! I just want to go back." Sam finished, closing her eyes.
"You miss him Sam, it's perfectly healthy. It hurts like hell, but it's normal." Janet soothed, finding little of consolation to offer.
"But it hurts so much Janet, I really miss him. Even after all the confusion, all the mixed emotions, I knew he cared for me, as I him."
"Sam, just because he's dead doesn't mean you should stop caring for him. You and Martouf had a bond no one else had, and it's natural that you should now feel bereft."
Smiling slightly, Sam replied "But we never really had a bond did we Janet? It was Martouf and Jolinar that had the bond, I was merely the vehicle for the bond to survive. See? That's another thing that has me so damn confused! I'm not 100% sure which feelings are actually mine! I know I miss Martouf, and I know I loved him, but it wasn't *me* that loved him; I was simply feeling the residual emotions from Jolinar. I could quite easily have loved him, don't get me wrong, but I just couldn't because.."
"Because you were in love with someone else?" Janet supplied softly.
Nodding, Sam closed her eyes again before the emotions that were banging at the door managed to come through.
"Have you talked to him about it? Since the testing?" she probed further, trying to shed more light on the anguish Sam had found herself.
"No, how could I? Besides the fact that it's against the regs, it would change everything! Everything I've worked so long and so hard for."
"Maybe that's the problem Sam, you aren't willing to face up to what happened. You're too willing to hold onto what used to be instead of trying to come to terms with the now."
"So what do I do?"
"Talk to him Sam, try and work your way through this; *together*."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"So have you noticed what's wrong with Sam lately?" Daniel enquired, putting the final touches to Jack's latest report.
"No, why?" Jack replied defensively, suddenly putting Daniel under scrutiny.
"She seems so… I don't know… 'unfocused', preoccupied with something else. She walked past me before and she didn't even notice me calling her until I stopped her," Daniel informed him as he corrected another spelling mistake.
"Well, she was hit pretty hard when Martouf..." He couldn't finish the words, just thinking about it left a nasty taste in his mouth.
"I know, but she won't talk to me, she won't open up, and whatever this thing that has her so, so 'distracted' is gonna affect us. All of us." Daniel finished, handing Jack back his report, now devoid of grammatical errors.
'So I'm a 'distraction' am I now Daniel? Thanks a lot' Jack thought caustically, accepting Daniel's handiwork with a grateful, albeit tight, smile.
"Maybe you could talk to her." Daniel suggested.
Jack's head snapped round, almost to the point of giving him whiplash. "Me? I think I'm the last person she would want to talk to about this…I mean, *I* shot him... *I* was...I mean…no it's a bad idea Daniel, bad." Jack stuttered, hoping to God that Daniel would let it drop.
He should have known better.
"Well, could you at least try Jack? Just so I know she's alright."
Sighing with resignation, Jack replied
"I'll try."
~*~*~*~*~*~
Stalking the corridors, Jack spent a great deal of energy in giving himself a good dressing down. 'Smart move Jack, oh you really made a great choice here. Why didn't you tell Spacemonkey that Sam didn't want to talk to you? That maybe it was *you* that was the cause of her 'distraction'. Aw hell, you really screwed up this time Jack. Big time.'
Arriving outside Sam's lab, he suddenly found himself halting. Maybe she wasn't in? Maybe she had gone home already? Aww crap, his life was in a real state and here he was trying to find a loophole to get out confronting the reason his life had been turned upside down. Shifting from one foot to the other, he bit the bullet and confidently walked the last few steps into
her lab.
"Carter?" he called out when greeted by a seemingly empty room.
"Here sir," came a voice from underneath a rather ominous looking piece of technology. Bending slightly, he found a pair of legs; followed shortly by a lower torso, upper torso and finally a mop of unruly blonde hair came into view.
"Umm, exactly what does this do?" Jack asked, avoiding the real reason of his visit.
"Well, I'm not exactly sure sir, I'm trying to replicate a piece of technology that SG-4 brought back from P4X 279.."
"Ack! Forget I asked," Jack interrupted, "Listen, I think we need to talk."
Snapping her head up, her gaze met his and she replied neutrally
"I don't think that's a good idea sir," she began, trying to formulate an opposing argument in her head.
"Sam," Jack continued, his voice brooking no argument. "We need to talk."
Accepting defeat, Sam nodded dumbly, not letting her eyes meet his.
"Not here." She stated softly. "My place, 1900." She finished, still averting his steely gaze that she *knew* was boring into her.
"1900." Jack reiterated as he left her lab, disappearing down the corridor.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
'Oh this is not good, not good *at* all,' Sam panicked as she paced her living room. 'Confrontation isn't good, it's bad, very bad, oh god he is gonna be here any minute' her pacing had reached the realms of frantic running. Trying to calm herself down, she stopped, clutched the edge of her couch and breathed deeply.
Knock Knock
'Oh shit'
"Sam? It's me, are you there?"
'What the hell do I do?' her fingers clutching the couch gripped tighter, making her knuckles white.
"Sam? It's me Jack!"
With a considerable amount of concentration, Sam was able to get her feet to obey her head. Moving, edging toward the door as her hand made contact with the latch. She opened the door on a deep breath, only fully opening her eyes as the door swung completely open, she found herself staring into concerned chocolate brown eyes.
"Sam? What took so long?" his voice wasn't the usual sarcastic self; it was laced with a seriousness she seldom found there. And it scared her.
It scared her big time.
"Yeah I was in the bedroom," she defended weakly, her voice cracking under the anticipation of the misery this night was guaranteed to inflict on her.
"Oh well, can I come in?"
"Huh? Oh sure, sorry sir, my minds a little…"
"Yeah, mine too," Jack confided.
He noticed with sadness that she couldn't meet his eyes, what had happened to Sam Carter? The feisty scientist who wouldn’t dare refuse a challenge once issued? Truth be told, she was still here in some respects, but the fire, the passion was lost. He hated this, each having to pussyfoot around the other, afraid of showing too much emotion...or maybe too little. So instead of resuming the healthy relationship they had had before, they now existed in limbo; this cruel stalemate that forbade them to move forward, yet ironically wouldn’t let them retreat back to where they were either.
Well, now was time for change. This had gone on too long and Jack missed not being able to communicate with Sam the way he used to.
"So, would you like a beer?" Sam began, her body already through the doorway into her kitchen, retrieving said item from the fridge.
"Like you wouldn’t believe," he murmured, following her into the kitchen, standing so close he was able to smell her fragrance, the smell he had managed to identify at fifty feet blindfolded. The smell that went straight to his brain before making a quick detour to his heart, filing his veins with her presence
Turning, Sam was startled by his close proximity, dropping one of the brown bottles in her rattled state.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to frighten you," Jack apologised, bending to retrieve the pieces of broken glass.
"No, I'm sorry sir, I shouldn't be so jumpy," Sam assured him, also bending to pick up the large pieces.
Reaching for the same piece of glass, their hands collided, his large firm hand covering her more slender one. The feelings this slight touch evoked were electric, causing Sam to jump back as if scalded and consequently slice her hand on the sharp edge.
"Shit," she swore softly, directing the injured digit to the sink to wash it out.
Jack was by her side in a flash, the mounting tension between them momentarily forgotten as her wellbeing superseded all else.
"It doesn't look too deep, I think with a band aid it should be okay." His hands gently examining the finger, helping her wipe away the water.
Closing her eyes, Sam tried to escape the reaction his immediacy was producing in her senses. The slight tinge of his aftershave, his breath as he spoke, the touch of his hand, the sound of his voice.
'Breathe Sam, breathe. This is no different to how the Colonel would react in this type of situation before. He isn’t thinking any differently, it’s all in your head.' Convincing herself like this had always been something she had excelled at. Hell for the better part of four years she had managed to convince herself that she *didn’t* have any untoward feeling for her CO.
But all those hits and near misses had slowly worn away her argument until finally, when she heard herself say it in that infamous testing room, she knew the truth.
~*~*~*~*~*~
"I was scared. He was sacrificing his life for mine in a futile attempt. But in the guilt I realized I didn’t want him to die because, because he means more to me then I let myself believe. I didn’t want him to die for me, without ever having told him how I feel; how I feel about *him*."
~*~*~*~*~*~
Breaking out of her reverie, she wasn't even aware that she had been led to the bathroom, seated on the bath ledge whilst Jack rummaged in her closet for the first aid kit.
"Sir, it's okay, I can handle it from here," she said, finally finding her voice.
Giving her a quizzical look, he exited the small room informing her that he would be waiting in the lounge when she was ready.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Once alone, Sam sat back down on the bath ledge and let out the long breathe she wasn’t even aware she had been holding. Her hands were slightly shaky as she removed some tissue from their box on the shelf.
'This can’t go on Sam! You’ve turned into a wreck!' Breathing deeply to steady her nerves, she thought about venturing back out, but decided against it.
Standing, she caught her reflection in the arched mirror. Staring back were a pair of blue eyes so haunted by misery and despair that it scared her. What had happened to Samantha Carter? USAF Major who kicked royal Goa’uld ass with the best of them? The sad truth was that she was here, now, and in so much turmoil that it hurt to think about all she wanted, but could never have.
Running the water, she watched it as it disappeared down the drain. She found the sound of the running water to be oddly soothing, allowing her to feel as though her problems were joining the water. But they weren’t. She was here, in her bathroom, hiding. Oh sure, she had the pretense of finding a band-aid, but she was hiding, as she always did.
And she hated it.
She hated herself for being so weak as to not face *this*, whatever THIS is, and that was slowly driving herself and Jack apart. The friendship they had cultivated through a mutual respect was deteriorating; crumbled at the foundations because they were no longer sure exactly *what* the basis of their relationship was anymore. Lust? Friendship? Love? Desire?
Her head swam with all these mixed emotions, emotions that she *knew* she shouldn’t have, but had no way to curb or stop them. Angrily, she turned the tap off. Annoyed with herself for trying to run from this. She needed to confront it, and get over it. If she faced it, then she would probably realize that her feelings weren’t quite as strong as she had thought; that she would be able to get over this ‘infatuation’ with Jack O’Neill.
Yeah and maybe pigs might fly.
~*~*~*~*~*~
Exiting the room slowly, Sam deliberately made the journey from bathroom to lounge last as long as possible. Her eyes fell on the form of Jack O'Neill, bottle in hand, staring out of her window at the world outside.
'Now or never Sam, in less than an hour he will be gone and you can cry into your pillow, eat four tubs of ice-cream, rent as many chick flicks as necessary to get over this. To get over *him*'. Taking a strengthening breath, she crossed the room, standing at his side, nervously pulling at the sleeves of her greying sweater.
He didn't even acknowledge her, simply letting her adjust. She took this time to surreptiously scrutinise his features. His eyes were focused on something on the horizon, his lips held together in a neutral line. His brow creased suddenly, only to relax as he turned to face her.
"Delaying this isn't going to make it any easier," he began, his voice soothing.
"I know, but, but I don't want to confront this.."
"Please?" He interrupted softly, needing to talk to her, to talk about them and *this* "I just want to talk to you Sam, we need to talk."
Hiding her head, she made no response.
"Dammit Carter! Would you please just look at me!?"
Lifting to face him, Jack felt his heart sink at the pain he was causing her. But he knew they had to talk about this, sooner or later. Her eyes held unshed tears and he saw her trying to fight them back, to not let her defences fall at his feet.
"Sam, I just want to talk, please, will you just hear me out? Please?"
Nodding numbly, she gave her assent as she seated herself back on the couch, preparing herself for the emotional onslaught.
"We haven’t really talked about, about the thing with the Zay’tarcs," he began, suddenly suffering form an acute case of cottonmouth. Licking his lips, he continued "and I think it’s going to affect us. We need to sort it out now, before more damage is done."
Sam closed her eyes in a vain effort to make it all go away. ‘Sort it out, before more damage is done’? Exactly what kind of choice phrasing was that? 'Well what did you expect from Jack O'Neill? Roses and a declaration of his undying love for you? Get real Sam! He’s gonna put a stop to this right now, and it’s going to hurt. Painfully'
"God you can’t even look at me anymore can you?" Jack breathed, standing to pace the room, as he ran his hands through his silvering hair. "I never wanted this Sam; to make you feel like you couldn’t be near me. But look what’s happened to us, we’re afraid of being in the same room as each other, and it’s destroying our relationship, our *friendship*. Sam I never wanted this to happen, but we have to work through this, to get back to where we were."
"’Get back to where we were’?" she snapped angrily. "I’m sorry Colonel, I’m trying to ‘get through this’, but I find it difficult to turn my emotions on and off!"
"See what I mean? You aren’t working through them Sam! You’re either denying it never happened or you blank me completely! I want what we used to have! The friendship, the banter, hell, I want what we had four weeks ago!"
"But we can’t! Can’t you see? It’s all different now...now that we…." Her voice failed her, resigning as the implications of her words sunk in.
"Now that we know that we love each other." Jack finished softly, not daring to look her in the eye.
Sam looked up sharply at him, feeling the full impact of his words hit a nerve so deep it almost hurt. He admitted it. He ‘loved’ her, not cared for, not respected, he ‘loved’ her.
"Why do you have to make it so difficult?" she whispered. "I could easily have pretended that you didn’t love me; that you simply cared for me. But now…"
"Now we have to face reality Sam," he said as he approached the couch with caution. Sam was in such a fragile state and he didn’t want to upset her further by coming on too strong too fast.
"So now what?" she asked, her voice little more than whisper as the tears threatened to constrict her throat, allowing little more than hoarse sobs to break free.
"Now we choose," he replied solemnly, refusing to lift his head at her curious gaze "Choose whether to ignore our mutual feelings or welcome them, and accept them." He finished, raising his head to gauge her response.
"What do you want?" Sam asked meeting his eyes, saddened to find the same heartache residing there.
"I don’t know Sam. But I know I can’t go on like this; being in this stalemate. We have to decide now, because if we carry on like this, this will destroy us. Both of us."
Resting his head in his hands, he sighed deeply; only to find himself raising it as he heard Sam begin to cry.
"I can’t do this anymore! Oh god, I am so alone and so miserable, I just feel like, like..." her voice broke down completely, degenerating into a muffled sob as she tried to quell the tide of emotions bursting through.
Keeping his arms to himself, Jack dared not comfort Sam, knowing his good intentions would be shot to hell the minute he laid a finger on her body. His heart ached to see her in this much pain, but didn’t she see that he was hurting too?
Seeing the violent sobs rack her frame, he caved, and enveloped her in his arms, being able to only provide comfort and understanding, but not show the true extent of his own grief. She welcomed his warmth gladly, ignoring logic that was insistent on festering away at the back of her mind, rebuking her for being so weak, for being so in love.
"Sam, we have to face this, but I need to know if you want to, if you want to face this or if you want to run away. Because I won’t be able to go back, not now or ever. I want to face this Sam, to see what this leads to, but I need to know if you want to too. I need to know if you're willing to wait, and fight."
Pulling back, she gazed into his deep brown eyes, scrutinizing the emotion held there. Did she? Did she want to take *this* further, to see what happiness she could find with him? Was she willing to fight? Fight for them? For happiness?
"I want to," she answered slowly, not quite finished "But we can’t; the rules, we can’t pretend that we are above them, exonerated from the consequences. We are as answerable to them here as we would be in any other base. And I don’t want to loose you Jack, not from the SG-1, the SGC, or my life. I want you there, beside me as we go through the gate."
"I will always be there Sam, but for tonight, forget the rules, and just tell me what you want, tell me if you're willing to fight."
"I don’t… I don’t want to be alone tonight," she whispered into his shoulder, her tears soddening the material.
"What do you want Sam?" he replied, praying for her answer to be the one he wanted.
"I want to you to stay here Jack…with me."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Lying in the semi darkness, Jack wrapped his arms more tightly round the woman in his arms. They hadn’t made love; they hadn’t kissed or shared words of affections. They had just held each other close, holding on to the other as if they were a lifeline, a lifeline to happiness and salvation.
He felt her struggle in her sleep; her body trembled and tensed, only to relax again, unconsciously burrowing deeper into his warmth. Placing a chaste kiss on her temple, he sighed deeply. They hadn’t resolved this, they had delayed it, forbid it to chase away the happiness they were so desperate to attain.
He loved her, that he was sure of, but his career had become his whole being, without the SGC he would be lost, alone and without anyway to be by Sam’s side in the ongoing battle. They would be together one day, that he was so sure of, because if they didn’t have that to fight for, then what the reason in living?
What was the reason for fighting?
Story Notes: Email: littlemissstargazer@hotmail.com
Archive: SJA and Heliopolis, Shipperworld, and Bee’s site if she wants it ;o)
Season/Sequel Info: After the season four episode Divide and Conquer, takes place about a month after.
Spoilers: Said Divide and Conquer
Disclaimer: Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. If you do, I’ll open a big can of whoop-ass.
Author’s notes: I started this fic aaaaaages ago; in fact this was my very first fic (all together now, awwww) and I had started it out as a humorous rip-off from the Bailey’s ‘One Way or another’ advert, but I never finished it. I started to write it again after I had seen DaC and what can I say? The angst got to me and turned it into a piece of fluffy angst. So I decided to scrub the original and keep the rest and write a new beginning. You really wanted to know all of that didn’t you? LOL, anyway, i hold myself accountable for all headaches caused from rading this fic, it ain't realistic, but hey, that's 'poetic licence' huh? LOL! Here it is, enjoy and remember, feedback is your friend…
Dedications: this fic is dedicated to Jo, who was with me throughtout this, beta'd it and has since designated me the Mistress of VKGC fics, that is Valium, Kleenex and galaxy chocolate fic, because apparently I get her into a bit of a state with the angst J I have since titled her my ego booster and she is now in charge of my self-confidence *g* Another peep that deserves soooo much kudos is the lovely Ali who is sending me a copy of TFO after my vid player went all damn kapooey on me again, she is a true star *hugest hugs* Hugs and Chocolate RDA's to Linz who beta'd this P.o.$, she deserves it for wading through this thing!
Archive: SJA and Heliopolis, Shipperworld, and Bee’s site if she wants it ;o)
Season/Sequel Info: After the season four episode Divide and Conquer, takes place about a month after.
Spoilers: Said Divide and Conquer
Disclaimer: Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. If you do, I’ll open a big can of whoop-ass.
Author’s notes: I started this fic aaaaaages ago; in fact this was my very first fic (all together now, awwww) and I had started it out as a humorous rip-off from the Bailey’s ‘One Way or another’ advert, but I never finished it. I started to write it again after I had seen DaC and what can I say? The angst got to me and turned it into a piece of fluffy angst. So I decided to scrub the original and keep the rest and write a new beginning. You really wanted to know all of that didn’t you? LOL, anyway, i hold myself accountable for all headaches caused from rading this fic, it ain't realistic, but hey, that's 'poetic licence' huh? LOL! Here it is, enjoy and remember, feedback is your friend…
Dedications: this fic is dedicated to Jo, who was with me throughtout this, beta'd it and has since designated me the Mistress of VKGC fics, that is Valium, Kleenex and galaxy chocolate fic, because apparently I get her into a bit of a state with the angst J I have since titled her my ego booster and she is now in charge of my self-confidence *g* Another peep that deserves soooo much kudos is the lovely Ali who is sending me a copy of TFO after my vid player went all damn kapooey on me again, she is a true star *hugest hugs* Hugs and Chocolate RDA's to Linz who beta'd this P.o.$, she deserves it for wading through this thing!
End Notes: Little Miss is now ready and awaiting flaming tomatoes....*ducks and whimpers*
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]