May 5th
Dear diary,
First off, I guess I better say Hi! It's been a long time since I've kept a diary of any sort (let's not go into quite how many years it's been) but seeing Daniel's journals has kind of made me decide that this would be a good thing. We see so much, do so much, go to so many places that I really need to get my experiences down on paper, so I can reminisce when I'm an old grandma living in Florida (Heh).
So, my name is Samantha Carter, and I'm a Major in the USAF. I'm also a Doctor of Theoretical Astrophysics, and that's all the background you're going to get. Oh, and I work at Stargate Command, from where we go through this amazing piece of extraterrestrial technology, the Stargate, to other worlds and explore the galaxy. Sound far-fetched and classified? Hence the reason you're locked away in a cupboard. No prying eyes are allowed to see you, can't have my neighbour reading this when she's checking the place over for me. Mind you, she'd probably just think that I was a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
Anyway, I intended to start this diary last week, but our four-hour standard recon mission turned into a little over six days. And they were some six days. Another seemingly friendly people had a secret to hide, and there secret was their immense hatred towards Teal'c. He was taken captive and tortured and almost sacrificed, but we were able to rescue him in time. Holy Hannah that sounds a bit sparse doesn't it? I guess I have a lot to learn about keeping a proper journal, it's not as easy as it seems. Transforming experiences into words and them writing them all down is something I'll have to work on, but I'll get there in the end, I always do.
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August 5th
Dear Diary,
It's been a while. I started this journal with the intention of keeping a regular written record of our missions and my life in general, but so far I haven't been very successful. I've hardly been home the last three months anyway, what with designing and building a particle accelerator. Sound amazing? So everyone says, but I didn't have any choice. Colonel O'Neill was trapped on another planet and it fell to me to get him back. Which I did. I'm...I'm so glad he's home. It's just...I just wish he was.
I missed him so much.
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August 27th
Dear Diary,
Only a few weeks since my last entry, not too bad.
It has however, been one hell of a couple of weeks. In the space of a few short days, Colonel O'Neill was forced to take early retirement for stealing from the Tollans, which turned out to be a ploy to find out what group of humans had been stealing technology from the friendly races, and Makepeace was revealed as the mole in the SGC. I've been spending as much time at home as possible lately, I just can't stand to be in the SGC for any longer than necessary. I can't believe Makepeace was a traitor. Not that I liked the man, just that I thought that past all that arrogant marine bravado he was still an honourable man. I was wrong...we all were.
And then there was the Colonel. Oh I know it was all a scam, and he had to act the way he did, but it still hurts. He's been funny and distant with me for the last month or so, and to be honest I'm beginning to take it a little personally. We used to get on great, and for a little while there I almost thought we were getting on a little too well, but for some reason things have changed between us, and I'm back to being his 2IC. I used to be his friend, and it's slipping away.
I want things back the way they were.
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September 9th
Dear Diary,
I know, I know, I've been slacking again. All work and no play and so on. I would have written yesterday but I had a poker game at the Colonel's house, and let's just say it was a lot of fun. As usual only the Colonel and I made it past midnight, and this time he almost persuaded me to play strip poker. I don't think he's serious though, but I must admit I'm tempted to say yes just to see the look on his face! Daniel was out for the count by 11, and Teal'c took him to bed. The Colonel went to look in on Teal'c later, but he was in Kel'no'reem on the floor of the spare bedroom.
I love it when we spend our downtime together, especially after a hard mission. I know I always intended this to be more of a journal than a diary, but it seems I've turned into too much of a girl! Instead of talking about new technology we've discovered, any of my work, or our missions, I end up gossiping about a boozy night in! It was fun though, and we decided to make it a regular thing. Well, the Colonel and I did anyway, at about 2am in the morning. It's been fun spending more time with him, and it makes a change to see him this way, he's so different. We've gone through a hard time recently, what with the Addora incident and that time we all thought that he 'd betrayed us. I've felt distant from him for a while, and to be honest I was beginning to think he's been taking me for granted a little. Last night though he told me how glad he was that I was on SG-1 to look after everyone, and then instantly looked away and changed the subject to something else. It was enough for me. He's not a great man for praise, but I know he meant much more than he said. He's glad I'm there, and even though I think I maybe want more from him, from us, this is enough for me.
Anyway, I think I'm going to go spend a few hours lying down.
Boozy nights in? Yes...but hangovers I could do without...
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September 15th
Dear Diary,
Let me tell you about Richard.
I met Richard just over a week ago through a mutual friend, and since then I've seen him every single night! I haven't given much thought to men recently, but to be honest it felt good to be chatted up by a gorgeous dark haired blue eyed man! At first I agreed to go out with him merely to try and get over my inappropriate feelings about the Colonel, but after a few dates I began to realise that maybe I didn't have any feelings for Colonel O'Neill anymore. I think maybe I stopped having feelings for him a while ago, but since he was the only man that was around me that I was attracted to, my heart made me believe I was in love with him. Yes, you heard right, in love with him. Was, that is,. I was in love with my commanding officer. No, definitely not the smartest thing to do, but I never was very smart when it came to men, but anyway, that all doesn't matter anymore, because I have Richard.
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September 22nd
Dear Diary,
Sorry about the delay, but I've been a girl about town recently! Daniel has been complaining that I've been flaunting my 'life' in front of everyone and that he's sick of it! I must admit I have been very happy recently, and that would all be due to Richard. He's such a nice guy. He's almost always happy, and he cheers me up just by coming into the room, I've not had so much fun in years!
Mind you, it's only been fun so far, and though we've kissed, I don't want to go any further just yet. I'm just enjoying things the way they are for now, and let's just see what happens. Mind you, now that I've finally got a social life my work has been suffering. Colonel O'Neill was like a bear with a sore head yesterday, and when I asked Daniel about it, he told me that the Colonel had just been reminiscing about Charlie, his son. I hope he feels a bit better soon, I mean, what do you say? Cheer up? He just seems to prefer it when I stay out of his way lately, so I'll do just that for now.
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October 6th
Dear Diary,
Well, I've been going out with Richard for a few weeks now, and I'm happy. Work is back to normal and today we encountered a fascinating planet! Much to the boys embarrassment, and dare I say my pleasure, this was practically the planet of the amazons! For once the boys had to wear weird clothes and I was taken as the leader! I must say I enjoyed myself immensely! The boys did however all turn down the offer to father some children for the women, and much though I expected that from Daniel and Teal'c, I was impressed with the Colonel's restraint! Not like him to turn down no holds barred sex from a beautiful alien, I mean if he doesn't watch out he'll get a reputation as a Captain Kirk! I'm still glad he did. I must say he's become a lot more thoughtful and tolerant over this last while, and now he even thanks me every time I do something right. Compliments have never come easily to him, but his soft smiles are more frequent now and I must say I like the change even if he is a little quiet. It's nice to have you back sir!
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October 12th
Dear Diary,
General Hammond made us go back to the 'Planet of the Amazons' today, you should have seen Colonel O'Neill's face! He rolled his eyes and sighed and finally flung up his hands and said that he'd go get his tight sequinned pants from his locker! Even the General smirked at that one. So Daniel spent a lovely day talking (more like grovelling and apologising for being a man) with their leader Tarna, and I spent most of it sitting on a beach with the Colonel. A terrible job, but I guess someone has to do it. For the first little while he shifted uncomfortably in his special attire, then he grinned and nudged me and told me that he'd like to see me in those amazon clothes. I just laughed and told him I was taken. He smiled gently at me, then just nodded and left. Again I seem to have upset him without knowing what I've done. I wonder if...no...he's just upset that we haven't all spent much downtime together recently, that's all. Isn't it? And anyway, I don't have feelings for him anymore, I have someone else.
I have someone else.
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October 15th
Dear Diary,
Today we went to the movies. We went for the afternoon matinee and stayed all night. I was intending only to stay for one film, but the Colonel insisted I stay to keep him sane, what with Daniel's critical dissection of everything and Teal'c's almost constant questions, I could see his point. So we had a great time, and the Colonel hid his head in my shoulder at what he called 'the scary bits' Personally I don't think there's much to be afraid of in 101 Dalmations, but he said he'd had a fear of Cruella Deville for years. He's a strange man, and I must say it was a new and peculiar sensation having him cuddling into me in the dark. But we had fun together.
It was.fun...
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October 18th
Dear Diary,
Another poker game, another splitting headache! The four of us decided we needed some serious fun downtime after a tough mission, and of course drink and cards featured heavily! And once more the Colonel and I ended up talking long into the night. Hell we were even dancing to this abysmal dance music with Teal'c! It was so much fun and it's always good to see the Colonel smile. I was almost sure he was going to ask me to dance to a slow number, but he changed his mind. Only a dance Colonel! Nothing can come of that! So I got a taxi home. Another mission the day after tomorrow and I needed the time to recover.
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October 20th
Dear Diary,
Richard and I have split up. I know I haven't been spending that much time with him recently, and I haven't even been mentioning him for the last while, but I was really surprised when he suggested that maybe we should call it a day. Okay, so maybe inside, deep inside, I was actually relieved. I liked Richard a lot, I really did, but there was nothing else there, and there never would be either. In a way, even though I enjoyed myself when in his company, I also felt like I was pretending somehow, that I knew inside that it would never work. So, Richard was not the man for me.
I'm alone again.
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October 27th
Dear Diary,
It's hard being alone again, or at least it would have been if I didn't have the rest of SG-1 constantly there to cheer me up and fill all of my time. Colonel O'Neill has never left my side for the last week, and though at first I found his presence amusing and a little annoying, I then found it comforting, and now I'm beginning to think I'll miss him when he deems me better and leaves me alone. He won't let me work in my lab for more than an hour before he turns up with either coffee or some crazy idea about spying on the other teams. To be honest I'm beginning to wonder if he has someone new in his life that's putting him in such a good mood! I hope he does...I hope he's doing something to make him happy. I so want him to be happy, I mean of course I do, he's my best friend.
I want him to be happy.
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November 6th
I spent all day today with the Colonel. We had some serious downtime and Daniel was taking Teal'c on a little road trip to see some sights. Both mine and the Colonel's idea of 'sights' were vastly different from Daniel's, so we decided to let the two of them have fun on their own. I was all prepared to spend the day in the lab but the Colonel wouldn't have it. He told me as we had a week of downtime then he was gonna treat me to, and I quote 'the best time I've ever had' and you know what? It was! We went to a ball game, a hockey game, even indoor skiing before a lovely meal out and drinks! I was practically singing to myself when he dropped me off tonight, especially since he said he was taking it upon himself to entertain me this whole week! Personally, I can't wait, I hope you know what you've let yourself in for Colonel!
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November 10th
My last day of a week's downtime and this was the best yet. Over the last week the Colonel and I have patronised almost every place in town, and having nowhere else to go we spent our last free afternoon in the park. So we talked, we laughed, and we even went on the swings, but now I better get to the best point about today, God, I feel like some teenage girl writing about her first kiss, and I guess in a way I am. I had a first kiss today, I had my first real kiss with Colonel O'Neill...with Jack.
Jack...God it sounds so strange calling him that, even writing that, but he asked me to, he asked me to call him that, and then he kissed me. We had just been talking quietly on the swings, then he asked me if I missed Richard. I surprised myself when I told him I didn't, but it was true. In fact I felt happier today than I had for a long time, even when with Richard, and it was then I realised I still had feelings for the Colonel, a lot of feelings. Seems like I haven't been really truthful to myself over the last few months, and I was right about Richard, he was just a replacement, a replacement for the Colonel. I felt a tide of sadness then at the thought of never having my hearts desire, and then a soft touch on my shoulder brought me back to reality. He asked me what the matter was, and said that he thought I was over Richard. I told him that yes I was, but that Richard wasn't the problem, that it was someone else, someone I was in love with, and that he was the problem. I don't know why I told him that, but when I did he just nodded at me and looked away, a strange expression on his face. Of course the other person I loved was him, but I couldn't tell him that. We just sat there in silence after that, and then suddenly he said ever so softly that he wished he were the problem. I was shocked to say the least, I turned and looked at him, and he reached out, pulled my swing over to his, and kissed me. It was a short kiss, but sweet and gentle, and I didn 't know what to say. When he pulled back he started trying to make all sorts of excuses, but I stopped him the only way I could think of, with my lips. We only pulled apart when our pagers went, calling us back to the SGC.
He pulled me to my feet, then held me in a gentle hug, then kissed me again, a warm, promising kiss, and we had to go. Apparently there was some experiment that had gone wrong on base, and I was needed. So we headed back, and I spent the rest of the night correcting Dr. Stevenson's mistake. By the time I was finished and I went home it was time for bed, and here I am, tired and happy, ready to fall asleep with the memory of the Colonel's promise to talk about us as soon as we had the chance floating around in my head. I don't know what it might mean and I don't know if I'm kidding myself here, but he wouldn't kiss me if he didn't have feelings for me, would he?
Well, I better put this diary down, I have to be on base early tomorrow, we have a standard recon to PKL534.
I love you Jack.
Goodnight diary.
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November 14th
Hello.
Uh...I mean...
"Dear diary..."
This is hard. I never imagined myself doing this, I mean I never, ever imagined myself reading her diary much less writing in it.
I guess the first thing I should do is introduce myself. I'm Colonel Jack O'Neill. You might have heard of me. I can't believe I'm sitting here reading her most intimate thoughts, these words she decided to commit to paper, and hell, up until a few hours ago I had no idea these words even existed, but I guess sometimes we can't help the way things turn out. I wish I could. If there was anything at all in my power, oh hell, even in anyone else's power that I could do to bring her back, I'd do it.
Sam's dead.
She died three days ago on another world, on PKL534, halfway across the galaxy, and we didn't even get to bring her body back. I wish we could have buried her here, I know she'd want to be buried here, on the world she loved so much. We held a memorial service of course, but it's never the same. Not that I particularly like to look at dead bodies in coffins, it's just that it gives you something tangible and physical to see and believe in, to touch, to cry over. Something to say goodbye to.
I never got to say goodbye.
I never wanted to.
They all tell me that there's nothing I or anyone else could have done, and although my head knows that, my heart still feels like I failed her somehow. I failed my Sam. We tried to get her out, we really did, but by then she was already dead. She's dead.
I miss her so much.
So Diary, as to me being here, I'm her CO, so it's my job to sort out her stuff, and her apartment. Daniel and Teal'c would have been here with me, but I asked if I could have a look around by myself first. I don't really know why I did it, and I don't know what I expected to find, but I certainly didn't expect this. I had pulled her bed back from the wall to look in that small cupboard that she told me she stashed things in. I was snooping, something just made me, and all that was there was this plain, leather bound book. This diary. And I read it. I read it and I cried.
I never knew...oh God I never knew...
I spent the hours after reading it curled up on her bed, just smelling her, remembering her, and when I finally calmed down and there were no more tears left I felt some sense of duty, I felt that something was yet to be done, to be finished, so that's why I'm doing this, writing in here. Look diary...I'm not much good at this kind of thing, but I at least owe it to her now...I owe it to her memory to try and tell her, through you, how she made me feel.
I loved her.
All this damn time I loved her, I loved her so much and wanted her, and needed her, and all this long time she wanted me too. I...I just never thought to ask. I wanted to, but I would have done anything not to hurt her, and the possibility of my feelings causing any awkwardness between us at all was not worth telling her, and spoiling what we had, and then Richard came along and I pretty much gave up. I felt my heart break that first day I met him, saw her smiling on his arm, and I just withdrew into myself for a little while, swamped in feelings of hatred for him and self pity for me. Eventually I saw how happy he made her, and I knew I could never be as good for her, and I slowly felt better. And then they split up, and I did everything I could to make that time easier for her, to make her smile again. Oh I'd like to think my actions were motivated purely out of friendship, but if I'm honest I was trying ever so hard to show her the kind of man I could be, if she'd have me, if she'd just give me one chance. I knew I had a lot to make up for, what with Laira and the whole undercover thing, and I tried so hard, and it seemed to work. And then came our last happy day together, a day I'll never forget for so many reasons.
We had so much fun, laughing, smiling, and that's how I'll always remember her. But it was more than that that day, I kissed her in the park, in a foolish moment, and she kissed me back, she kissed me. Then as usual life rudely interrupted, and we were forced to part, with only the promise of talking later to keep me going. Of course I had no idea what she was going to say, I reckoned it was most likely to be along the lines of, 'we're friends' or 'you're my CO' or 'I just don't think of you that way' or something like that, and I was wrong, so very wrong. The next day we were out on a mission and though things were a little awkward between us, she was always looking at me, smiling at me, touching me, and I began to hope.
Then she was taken away from me.
Those damned Goa'uld took her away from me, and I will never, ever forgive them for that. Never. And then I was left with nothing, no hope, no promise, no Sam. Left with no way of ever finding out how she felt, what she wanted, if there was a chance for me, for us, until now, until I found this.
She loved me.
Sam loved me, she wanted us to be together, wanted us to try, and we could have had, would have had something so special together, so wonderful, and now she's gone, she's gone and I'll never hold her, kiss her, touch her, never again. I'm glad I found you Diary, though you've brought me pain with the memories of her, I feel I can finally rest now, maybe find a little peace knowing that wherever she is, she loves me. And by writing in here, adding my thoughts to hers, somehow it makes me feel close to her, makes me feel like I can talk to her, through you, and tell her things I never got the chance to when she was still alive.
Tomorrow we're having a special service for her, for Sam, in the gateroom, just a few of her closest friends. And diary? I'm gonna put you through the Stargate tomorrow, with some of her things. We're all doing it, Daniel, Teal'c, Janet and I, it's our way of trying to say goodbye. Daniel's gonna put through that little pyramid model she got for him that squirts water when anyone goes near it, because he says he won't be able to smile without her, and Teal'c's gonna put through that little book on humour she bought him, cause he says he won't be able to laugh now she's gone. Yesterday Janet told Cassie that Sam was dead, and together they decided to put through some photos of us all. And me? I'm putting you through diary, and as far as anyone else is concerned that will be all they see going through. I don't want to tell them about you diary, and I certainly don't want to tell them what Sam wrote. It's a private diary, and although I feel a little bad that I'm reading you, Sam told me about this little cupboard, and I like to think that somehow she knows, and approves. It's still a private diary, except now it's between you, Sam and I.
But you're not going alone diary, oh no. Inside you I'm gonna put my heart, because now she's gone I don't need it anymore, and I want her to have it. It's funny in a way though, wanting her to have it, because she's had it all along. I hope you find your way to her Diary, through the wormhole, and please tell her that we're all okay, or at least we will be eventually. I'm trusting you with this diary, to take her this message, and my heart, and tell her how much we miss her, and how much we wish she didn't have to go.
I'd better end this now Diary, as Daniel and Teal'c will be here soon, and I want to tidy up and hide you away before they get here. I never told them about that day in the park, and I know Sam didn't either, and one day I hoped that Sam and I would work something out together and they would be happy for us. Well, I'll take that knowledge to my grave now Diary, I don't want to upset them even more, knowing about Sam and I, and what we could have had. So it's my secret, Diary, and yours, and Sam's. Oh and Please remember to tell her this one thing when you see her Diary...
Tell her I love her
Goodbye Diary
Jack
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THE END
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Story Notes: SPOILERS: 100 days, Shades of Grey, Season 3 stuff.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]