Finally I stop crying. I take a deep breath and lean back on the couch. OK, that's it. He won't use me anymore. Not now and not in future. I am through with him. He can go to hell - and this time alone. I'm not a toy he can play with whenever he's in the mood. While I mentally pick up the pieces of what's left of my pride and dignity the CD changes and a new song starts.
How do you cool your lips
After a summers kiss
How do you rid the sweat
After the body bliss
The first time we kissed. It was great. Fantastic. I never thought it would happen. But one day he just stood at my door and asked me out. I don't know why. I just followed him to the park and we spent a wonderful afternoon doing nothing more than talking and fooling around. Oh yeah, we were both in good spirits that day. And when he took me home he kissed me. On the doorstep. Just a short and testing kiss at first. But when I did not reject the kiss, it got more intensive. One thing led to another and we finally ended up in my bedroom. Oh, I won't complain. We made *magic* that night and he *did* everything right... That's how it started.
How do you turn your eyes
From the romantic glare
How do you block the sound
Of a voice you'd know everywhere.
Since then he visited me on a regular basis. We went out together and after dinner or a movie we always ended up in my apartment and spent the night together. At work nothing changed. There were no more glances or touches... how could there be? He was my CO and regs forbid any fraternization... But he didn't care - and neither did I. Now I know he never had trouble hiding his *feelings* for me - there weren't any. He told me everything would be fine and I believed him. Oh I so wanted to believe in a happy ending.
Oh I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in you eyes
Your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me
You might have some advice to give
On how to be insensitive
I think I should have guessed at some point that he wasn't really interested in *me*. It could have been any other woman. I was just the easiest way for him to get what he wanted. Someone to talk to and someone to sleep with.
That's what it was. Nothing more. He only came around when he needed me for
one reason or another. Of course, he was used to me being there for him. At
work, not a day went by that I wasn't around to solve his problems. Why not
continue and *help* him at night? He was alone and so was I. At first it was great having him with me, a shoulder to lean on, a friend to talk to. But he only pretended to be the caring lover.
How do you numb your skin
After the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood
After the body rush
I can't understand how he could do this. And for such a long time. How he could treat me this way without showing emotions in one way or another. He's always been a man of few words and more for the action, but some mumbled words in the heat of passion weren't enough. How could he stay so detached from me when we were with friends or in public? He never showed a sign of caring for me then and neither did he later when he was alone with me. I don't know why I accepted his behaviour for such a long time.
How do you free your soul
After you've found a friend
How do you teach your heart
It's a crime to fall in love again.
Deep down I still believe he loved me. Only me. That's why he came around. And he stayed. He just didn't want anybody to know how he felt. And only this belief keeps me going. Keeps away a part of the shame and embarrassment of being used like an average ... That and the fact that I truly loved him.
Oh, you probably won't remember me
It's probably ancient history
I'm one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I'm out of vogue I'm out of touch
I fell too fast I feel too much
I thought you might have some
Advice to give on how to be insensitive
Yes, now that it is over you'll forget me quite fast. You are going to find somebody else who'll share her thoughts, feelings and bed with you. But by now I know you're only interested in the last one.
It's my own fault that I did not read the signs sooner. It's only ok that I am the one who's suffering now. But maybe, before I transfer to another team to get rid of you, you could give me some advice on how to be insensitive.
*Ende*
Insensitive by Mel
Story Notes: NOTES: The song is: Insensitive by Jann Arden (Living under June or the Bed of Roses Soundtrack). A million - and more - *Thank you* to me beta-reader Anne-Marie!
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]