Daniel turned away, fiddling with the rim of his hat. It was a distraction for him. If he didn't turn around, he wouldn't see the hurt on her face.
It didn't help. He could feel Sam's hurt from here without seeing her face. When he did turn around, his breath caught in his throat. She was pale, so pale. Leaning over, he gently touched her arm giving it a squeeze. Her eyes met his. He could see the sheen of tears in them, and all he wanted to do was hug her tight , but somehow, he knew that's not what she wanted right now.
Jack walked towards them. "O.K. KIDS, let's go home."
Sam swallowed hard, didn't look at him. She walked towards the DHD and dialled home. Anywhere, but here. Jack turned to look one last time at the woman he was leaving behind. Her hand caressed her stomach, as she smiled at him. Sighing he turned away from her and walked towards the Stargate.
When they reached the other side, Jack was greeted with a hero's welcome. There was lots of back slapping and "Welcome Home's". Sam, Daniel and Teal'c stood back, watching. Sighing, Sam walked away from them towards the locker room, wanting to be away from them all. Daniel watched her go, then followed her. She was sat on a bench, head in hands, when he found her.
Silently he sat beside her.
"You ok?"
"Fine," came her muffled reply.
"Sam, I know you're not."
Slowly she lifted her head from her hands, the beginnings of a tear threatening to fall. Wordlessly, he pulled her to him holding her close, tucking her head under his chin. Tears fell silently onto his shirt as the hurt and exhaustion finally came out in quiet little sobs.
"I know you love him Sam," he whispered as he brushed his fingers through her hair. "In his own way he really cares about you."
She shook her head against his chest. "He doesn't care about me Daniel, he never has."
She sat up pulling away from his embrace and wiped her eyes. "It's me," she whispered. "I'm so stupid, I should have never let myself get so close and fall in love with him."
Sniffing, she tried to smile but failed. "Why couldn't I have fallen in love with someone like you, Daniel? What have I done that's so bad that I always fall for the wrong men? Am I so bad?"
Daniel thought his heart was going to break. Silently he pulled her to him again kissing her head. "You are the most warm, caring person I have ever known in my life. On top of all that you are beautiful and intelligent. What more could any man ever want?"
Sam closed her eyes feeling the warmth in his voice as he spoke again. "Besides I can't tell jokes like he can!"
Sam smiled and sat up,moving her hands to cup his face "No-one can."
Leaning forward he kissed her forehead, resting his head against hers for a moment. "It's good to see you smile again Sam."
Leaning away from her he moved to stand up, holding onto one of her hands, "You gonna be ok?"
Sam nodded silently. With one final squeeze of her hand he walked away.
Watching him leave, she sat for a few short moments trying to regain her composure before standing up to go and get washed up. She couldn't go and see the general looking like this.
On her way out of the locker room she walked straight into Colonel O'Neill. They thudded together. "Sorry sir," she whispered, not looking at him.
"You ok Carter?" he asked. "I missed you in the gateroom."
"I'm fine sir," she said, pushing past him refusing to meet his gaze. He watched her push past him.
"You sure you're ok, Major?"
"Fine sir, can I go now?"
She kept her face hidden from him, afraid that if she saw his eyes she would let her feelings show, and the tears that threatened to come again would break free. Instead she walked away from his gaze. Jack watched her go. He saw the way her shoulders slumped as she walked, the way she wouldn't look at him when he spoke to her. She ALWAYS looked at him when he spoke to her.
Sighing he walked away to go and find Daniel.
"Of course, Major, take as long as you need, you certainly deserve it." General Hammond walked around the desk to stand beside Sam.
"Are you ok Sam? You look really tired."
"I'm fine sir, nothing a few good nights sleep wouldn't cure."
"Well ok then, enjoy your vacation. I'll see you in a week or so." He smiled.
"Thank you General."
Jack found Daniel in the mess hall with Teal'c."Have you guys noticed anything up with Carter lately?"
"Apart from being totally exhausted you mean?" Daniel asked innocently.
Jack looked at him questioningly. "Exhausted?"
Daniel stood up and walked to the door, then turned to glare at his friend, who by now was confused "You're an idiot Jack. She's the one who brought you back, no one else just her.She -" He stopped and took a breath to stop himself from saying anything that he might regret later on. He sighed heavily "She worked solidly while you were gone to find a way to get you home. She's tired and cranky, I say she's entitled to that. Now if you'll excuse me I have work to do."
Jack stared open mouthed as he left. He turned to talk to Teal'c, surprised to find him getting up to leave. "Teal'c?"
"I must leave also." He nodded his head at the Colonel as he left.
Jack was confused. Why was everyone not pleased to see him. He thought at least Carter would be pleased. *Carter* he suddenly thought. Moving away from the table he left the room to find Janet. She was Carter's best friend, maybe she would tell him what the hell was going on.
The infirmary was quiet when he walked in. He saw Janet in the far corner of the room talking to a nurse. She looked over at him and broke off her conversation, to move towards him. "Colonel?"
"Have you seen Carter?"
Janet rolled her eyes. She looked at him with a pained expression. "She's gone home."
"She ok?"
"She'll be fine when she's had a lot of rest. She's pretty exhausted." She began walking away from him towards one of the beds. He followed. "I mean," she continued. "She hardly slept while you were missing. She was obsessed with finding a way of getting you home."
"What did she do?" he asked. "No-one seems to want to tell me."
"Let's put it this way Colonel," she said, fixing him with a stare. "You would still be stuck if it wasn't for her. She had enough faith in you to at least try to get you back."
He was about to speak when she stopped him. "She did everything in her power to find you and you end up causing her more pain than I ever thought I'd see in her." She walked away from him, then turned. "I hope you're really happy Colonel, because my best friend is hurting because of you."
"What did I do?" he called after her.
She didn't turn around, she just threw a hand above her head to let him know this conversation was over. Turning away, now even more confused than before, Jack decided that the only person who could tell him was Carter.So grabbing his car keys from his pocket, he took the lift that exited the base.
***
Sam looked at herself in the mirror, she looked awful. Her eyes were red from tiredness as well as tears. Thinking back to the past events she couldn't get the image of Jack out of her mind, and the look of annoyance he had flashed her way. It hurt. It still hurt and there was nothing she could do to stop it. She had given him the last three months of her life to him and he hated her. *Hated*, that word flashed in her mind again, bringing a fresh onslaught of tears.
Angrily, she brushed them away. *Well damn him*, she thought. *I don't love him anyway*, and just who was she trying to deceive anyway? A sharp tap on the door broke her thoughts. She looked at her watch then moved to the door. Looking through the peephole she saw a familiar face. She didn't know whether to laugh or cry.
Slowly she unlocked the door telling herself that she would tell him to leave.
"Carter," he gasped, taking in her appearance.
"Sir?"
"Can I come in?" He saw her hesitate. "Please Sam. I need to talk to you."
Forgetting everthing she had promised herself, she moved aside to let him enter.
She clicked the door shut as he walked past her. He stopped in the living room, turning to watch her.She avoided his gaze. "Can I get you a coffee?"
"That'd be great."
He watched her dissappear into the kitchen, then followed her.
Sam had her back to the door, her own demons raging inside her. She knew she should tell him that he was a selfish son of a bitch, and that he was an ungrateful - but she couldn't. No matter how many times she told herself, she couldn't change her feelings for him.
Reaching up to the cupboard to retrieve some mugs, she felt a warm hand cover hers. "Leave it."
"But you wanted coffee," she said, not turning around.
"Sam," he said, sliding his hand to her shoulders to turn her around. "Please look at me."
She felt the sting of tears in her throat again. She bit into her lip to stop them from escaping. "I can't."
"Please," he whispered again. "I need to see your face."
She felt his hands turning her until she was facing him. She looked down at his chest, not daring to look into his eyes.
"Have I done something to hurt you?" he asked softly.
When she didn't answer, he put his finger under her chin to bring her eyes up to look into his.
He gasped as he saw the pain in her eyes. Her bottom lip was quivering as she desperately tried to hold back the tears in her eyes.
"Oh God, Sam," he said sadly. "Please tell me so I can fix it."
"It doesn't matter anymore," she whispered.
"What doesn't matter?"
"Me. I don't matter."
"Sam, of course you matter." She looked away, her face sad.
"You don't mean that," she said sadly. "You say the words but they don't mean anything."
"Of course they mean something. I care about you."
The tears came then, even though she tried desperately to stop them. She felt his arms engulf her, and it felt so wonderful, but she pushed him away.
"You say you care about me," she said, as the sadness turned to anger, "that's why you looked at me with such hatred in your eyes when we came to get you."
Jack opened his mouth to speak but she hadn't finished.
"I did everything to get you home. I thought that maybe you might have been missing me as much as I missed you. I thought you might have cared about me as much as I do for you." Her voice softened. "I thought you might be pleased to see me."
"God Sam," he sighed. "You'll never know just how much I missed home. How much I missed everyone, especially you."
She looked up at him to see a lone tear tracing his way down his cheek. Without even thinking she stepped forward to hold him. She felt his arms come around to hold her tightly as his body shook.
"No more tears," she sniffed back her own. "I can't cry anymore."
"I'm sorry."
"It's not your fault. It's me. I let myself get too close. I'll resign as soon as I get back to base."
"No," he almost shouted, shaking her shoulders. "I don't want to go another day without you beside me." He cupped her cheek with the palm of his hand. "I can't go another day without your smile." She looked up at him, mesmerised by his words. "I'm sorry if I hurt you, I would never hurt you Sam. Please believe me."
"I believe you," she said softly.
"I'm glad."
"Do you love her?" she asked, surprised at the words slipping out of her mouth.
He thought back to the woman he had left behind, then looked down at the woman beside him. "I thought I could learn to love her in time, but even when I had resigned myself to never seeing home again, I let myself believe."
"Are you mad at me for getting you home?"
"Never."
"Ok," she smiled slightly.
"Are we ok?" he asked her.
She looked up at him and thought about his question. "Will you stay with me tonight?"
He smiled. "You want me to stay?"
"I want you to stay."
"Then I guess I'll stay."
"Good." She smiled, moving away from him. She wiped her eyes. "Then maybe we can help each other through this thing, whatever this thing is."
"I hope so," he agreed.
"I'll even let you choose the movie, so at least that's a start." She smiled up at him, that familiar little smile that always melted his heart.
"So I get to choose?"
She nodded. "I'll go get the blankets, you sort out the movie."
He watched her leave, then smiled to himself, he was home again. He had never really been away. Sam came back a few minutes later carrying a thick blanket and threw it on the couch. She looked at him. "So what are we watching?"
His eyes were smiling. "You hate The Wizard of Oz," he said, holding up the video case.
"Well it kinda grew on me. It made me feel that you were still here with me." She broke eye contact with him to settle down under the warm blanket on the couch.
A few minutes later he joined her as they settled down holding each other close. Just before the movie started, he whispered, "I missed you so much Sam. I never left you."
Smiling, she held him tighter and laid her head against his chest.
A while later Jack felt her breathing become deeper and her head heavier. Glancing down, he saw she was asleep. Reaching for the remote, he clicked off the TV and laid down taking her with him. She didn't awaken, she mumbled something he couldn't quite hear then moulded herself to him and sighed contentedly. Smiling to himself, as he felt sleep drawing in on him, he whispered, "Goodnight Sam, I love you."
END
Story Notes: Spoilers:100 days
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]