samandjack.net

Story Notes: Email: butterflitter@hotmail.com

Category: SJR, Humour

Spoilers: None that I can think of.

Archive: SJA and Heliopolis, anywhere else please ask but I'll probably say yes :)

Feedback: Since this is my first story in a few months I need feedback to get me back on track. Besides I've written very few humour stories so I'm nervous about this! Tell me if you liked it, hated it, or thought it could be improved. Please?

Dedication: To Ness and Julie who took the time to read it, and to Kate, who I hope will.


'Daniel' or 'Why am I friends with people who ring me at 3am?'



"Hey Danny Boy!"

I knew I was in trouble as soon as I heard Jack using that insufferable nickname.

"Jack where are you calling from? It's two in the morning!" This is not putting me in a good mood. I can hear silence on the other end and then a muffled conversation between Jack and another voice. This one seems to be female. I hope he hasn't picked up some girl, Sam will be disappointed. I could just kill him sometimes.

"Ah, we're in trouble Daniel."

I sigh the sigh of the long suffering.

"Who's 'we' and what kind of trouble are you in?" Again the muffled conversation, and I can hear the female voice saying something about how embarrassing this is. Jack's disembodied voice appears again.

"'We' would be Carter and myself, and uh, we're in jail."

Realising quickly that this is probably the best blackmail card I could ever want or have over my two friends, I agree to come down and bail them out. If nothing else, this is one story I really have to hear.

After paying the bail, I watch as an embarrassed Jack O'Neill and Samantha Carter walk towards me. And they're holding hands. Things are looking even more interesting.

"Thanks Daniel, I'll pay you back." Jack mumbles, I notice he doesn't offer to do it with interest.

"Okay," I say "But as soon as we get back to the hotel, you're explaining." Sam and Jack exchange a look, and I'm trying very hard not to wonder what's going on between them but it's proving to be impossible.

We're only in Las Vegas for a defense department conference, none of us are actually speaking, only listening. God knows why General Hammond sent us. Bad point number one is that we know several people attending, and all of them happen to be right bastards. Bad point number two is that all of the speakers are as boring as hell.

I walk into my hotel room but they seem to be stuck at the door.

"We are not telling him!" Sam whispers vehemently.

I pretend not to listen.

"Why, are you ashamed of what happened?" Jack's face closes off, shutting his emotions away, and Sam catches his hand, forcing him to look at her.

"Don't you dare think that." She says and his face softens perceptibly.

I cough, disturbing their moment.

"Well come in." I say a little bit impatiently. After all, even if it was interesting it was also nearly three in the morning and I obviously wasn't going to be getting any more sleep. Jack and Sam sit down on the couch, very close to each other and looking quite uncomfortable. "Do you guys want something to drink? The SGC is paying so we might as well use the mini bar." In a 7.4 billion budget, who's going to miss a couple of hundred?

"NO!" They both reply at exactly the same time.

"Okay, first question. Why were you in jail?"

"Drunk and disorderly, disturbing the peace," he coughs, "Grand theft auto. Can we go now?" The last bit is said somewhat hurriedly. I roll my eyes at Jack.

"I knew that, I asked the police, but what actually happened?" Their explanations better be good... especially for the grand theft auto.

Sam and Jack exchange a glance and then launch into a whispered conversation in which I can only hear something like 'how much do we tell him'. Then they begin.

"We sort of created a ruckus."

"How?"

"Does it matter how?"

"Yes it does, now tell me."

"Jack got into a punch up with a guy."

"It wasn't all my fault."

"No it wasn't, okay that's it. Can we go?"

I sigh, "That still doesn't explain the grand theft auto."

Jack cracks under the pressure. "Well after I knocked out the guy, Sam stole his keys and we took his car for a joy ride."

"You stole a guy's car?"

"We were drunk!" Sam says defensively "And we were planning on returning it."

I try to picture my two military colleagues joyriding in a stolen car. The harder I try, the scarier the image becomes.

"So you got drunk, on both your mini bars presumably, went to another bar, got into a fight and stole a car?" I let just a hint of disbelief creep into my voice. "Is there anything else you're not telling me."

They glance guiltily at each other before replying 'no' very quickly. Deciding enough is enough, I let them off the hook.

"Well it's time you two went off to bed. Now. No more drunken antics."

Jack grabs his coat and Sam's arm, steering them both out the door very quickly. I notice a piece of paper that fell out of Jack's coat as I go to shut the door. I quickly open it again and call after them even though they're gone. "Wait Jack," I call as I pick it up, "You forgot your..." I open the piece of paper.

"Marriage certificate?"



'Sam' or 'I went to Las Vegas, got drunk, married and arrested and I didn't even get a stupid T-shirt'



Well here we are in Las Vegas, most boring city on the face of the earth unless you like gambling. The most boring conference on the face of the earth (and probably several other planets.) has been going on nearly all day. I have no idea why General Hammond sent us. I keep trying to figure it out. Did we do something he didn't like? Something we needed to be punished for? I know I saw an evil glint in his eye when he told, Jack, Daniel and I to come. For once I wish I was Teal'c. Why can't I be too classified to be allowed out in public?

Nearly as soon as we arrived we ran into Maybourne. Daniel and I had to physically restrain Jack as soon as we spotted him. Now if only I was able to do that more often... Bad, Sam, bad. Stop those thoughts right now! Yeah, save them for later when you're in the most boring meeting on earth and have time for daydreaming.

We're having a break right now. Daniel is chatting to some boring guy, more out of duty than choice. Jack has gone to get himself and me some coffees. I'm saving us some seats at a small table. I follow his progress in the line with my eyes, a small smile on my face. It's oddly satisfying to watch him when he doesn't know that I am. My view is suddenly blocked by someone's torso, a male someone. I clear my throat to say that that particular seat is saved when I realise that there are other seats at the table. Damn.

"Hi!" The newcomer says brightly. "I'm Captain Lewis Farrow, and you?"

"Major Carter." I reply distractedly, scanning the crowd anxiously for Jack. Where the hell is he?

"I saw you sitting over here on your own and decided that it would be a crime to let that continue." Oh god, why me? He's flirting blatantly and I am very not interested. The only person I want to flirt with is Jack.

"I'm waiting for someone." I tell him shortly but politely, trying to catch Daniel's eye since Jack is in the line. Farrow smiles sympathetically.

"Stand you up, did he?"

"No, as a matter of fact he's over there getting me a coffee." I hope the prospect of a big tough military boyfriend scares him but he doesn't seem phased.

"You don't have to make excuses to me, I'll just wait with you until he comes back." Lewis smirks, the bastard doesn't believe me! I rack my mind, trying to think of some way to get rid of him when someone standing behind me clears their throat.

"I see you've made a friend Sam." Jack says, purposely using my first name. He places the coffee in front of me and stops to size up the situation. My eyes plead with him to stay and luckily he takes notice. Jack puts his own coffee down and sits on the stool next to me, pulling it so close that I'm practically sitting in his lap. Of course, that wouldn't be so bad either. Lewis hasn't really taken the hint though.

"So did you two come to the conference together?" he asks. Jack uses one hand to drink his coffee and the other to wrap around my shoulders. I really shouldn't be enjoying this, I really, really shouldn't.

"Yes we're attending the conference together." Jack says shortly. It's obvious to everyone but this guy that we want him gone.

"Who are you representing?" he asks casually but I can see the angry gleam in his eyes, he knows he's being knocked back.

"I'm sorry but our work is classified." I say. Gee, never really thought that one would be useful before.

"Which reminds me, if we don't leave soon we'll miss our appointment." Jack says as he grabs my arm. I stand up very fast. "Nice meeting you." He adds, oh yeah that's sincerity. As we throw the styrofoam cups in the bin I ask Jack where our appointment is.

"Well the next topic on the agenda doesn't look very interesting, and in self interest I think we should retreat." He pauses "The mini bars upstairs?"

I grin. "After all, the SGC is picking up the bill." We're acting unprofessionally but I really don't care. I've had it with this conference. Must be something in the air. We grin like maniacs at each other, nothing like a fully stocked mini bar to drown your sorrows in.



***



Around a mini bar and a half later I'm very drunk and Jack has a hazy look around his eyes that says he's not exactly here either. We sit side by side on the floor, our backs against the bed, our card game abandoned. My head is resting on his shoulder and I'm trying to get the room to stay still. We talked and laughed about how bad we were and played cards. But now we're just a bit drunk to play cards. Suddenly Jack sits up straight, dislodging my head. I lift my eyes to gaze at him.

"I'm drunk." He states. I feel like giggling and saying, 'well duh' "So I'm going to do something incredibly risky that needs a lot of courage." He adds. Oh shit, I think, he's going to jump out the window, or gamble all his money, or... I never get to finish the thought because he kisses me.

His lips as well as being soft and moist and oh so arousing as they dance across mine, sweet with alcohol. I think idly that if I wasn't already, I could get drunk on his lips. My lips part and he deepens the kiss, gripping my back. Not breaking it off I crawl across his legs and into his lap. Jack groans and breaks off the kiss. I'm left feeling suddenly bereft of his lips. He stops to catch his breath, "Maybe we shouldn't" he pants before I cut him off with another kiss, I get no protest and he seems to forget his argument.

"We should." I say decisively, my fingers stroking his neck. I'm just glad that I got drunk otherwise I would never have the courage to do this.

Jack takes my hands in his, raising them to his lips. "But you're drunk." he starts and I cut him off again.

"Jack, even if I am drunk, I know what I want and if you want what I want then there doesn't need to be a but." Jack tilts his head backwards, so it's aimed at the ceiling and groans again before looking me in the eye. I can tell he's rapidly losing his self control.

"Sam," he intones as he cups my face in his hands. "You can not possibly know how beautiful you are, how hard this has been..." he breaks off, his breathing ragged before continuing. "how much I've wanted you, how much I'm in love with you."

I laugh then, a joyous laugh and kiss him again, letting that be my answer. The kiss starts slow but his hands slip under my shirt, roaming my back and pressing me even closer to him if that's possible. As he lifts me onto the bed I'm astonished. How can I inspire so much passion in someone? I don't know the answer and right now I really don't care.



***



As we lie in the bed afterwards with his arms wrapped around me, Jack nuzzles my neck. I feel the strangest sense of contentment. I'm extraordinarily happy and there's not a thing to stop it. Oh damnit, yes there is. "Jack?" I say and he kisses my jaw right below the ear.

"Hmm?" he mumbles into my hair.

"As much as I hate to ask, I have to." I twist around so that I'm facing him, our heads level. "What about the regs?"

"Do you regret what happened?" he asks and I see his face slip into its carefully schooled expression.

"Jack, don't you dare close me off." I say and he looks at me surprised. "I know enough about you to know when you are. I don't regret what happened and I'd very much like for it to happen again." His expression gives way to one of pure joy and smiling, he kisses me. It takes all my willpower just to push him away. "This is serious Jack, we need to talk about it." I say, trying very hard not to smile.

He smoothes my hair and kisses my forehead. "Would you believe me if I said I knew quite a bit about the regulation that stands between us and happiness?" he asks, I quirk an eyebrow at him. "Not all research is evil." He adds and I have to bit my lip to keep from laughing. "Well there is a way..." he trails off sounding a bit unsure of himself.

"Well what is it?" I ask.

"We could get married and then claim that splitting us up would cause degradation of our work."

"Explain it to me." A frown appears on my forehead as I try to work it out. He does, in detail. In fact he seems to know it word for word. I think before replying. "Jack, are you asking me to marry you?"

"Yes."

"Okay, let's do it." He seems shocked at my answer.

"Really?" he asks and I nod happily. "Of course we should probably keep it a secret until we're forced not too." He adds.

I tell him that I agree.

Half an hour later we're showered, dressed and ready to leave. I'm wearing the only dress I brought, a knee length wispy blue one and Jack is wearing a shirt, pants and loose jacket. We could be any normal couple going on a date. We've decided not to tell Daniel, he'll probably try to reason with us. Besides, he's such a gossip that it'd probably be all over the base in a minute. We walk out of the hotel, hand in hand. It feels good, it feels right.

"What church?" I ask him.

"The nearest one that doesn't involve Elvis in any way." Jack grins toothily and I stand on tip toe to plant a kiss on his mouth. He leans in to deepen it and I pull away.

"You'll ruin my lipstick." I tell him with a smile.

"I have to run an errand." Jack says suddenly. I raise my eyebrow as if to say 'right now?'. "I promise I'll be back soon, meet me at that church in half an hour." Planting a kiss in my hair he sprints off.

I don't go far, in fact I don't really go anywhere. I pace in front of the church. What if he's gotten cold feet? What if he wants to back out? What if... My thoughts fade as Jack appears in front of me.

He pulls out a bouquet of white roses from behind his back. Handing them to me he says "Every bride needs one." I start to say thank you but he shushes me. "That's not all." Slipping a box from his pocket he hands it to me. I open it up and gaze in astonishment. "It's a claddaugh ring." He explains "The hands represent friendship, the crown loyalty and the heart, love. You wear the heart inwards to show you belong to someone." He pauses nervously, I turn the silver ring over in my hands. "Do you like it? I thought it would be less obvious than an ordinary wedding ring."

"I love it." I say, my eyes misting somewhat. "Let's go get hitched."

The ceremony is simple and we make up our own vows. When Jack promises to love me forever even if he should be taken over by a goa'uld or I should (at this point the celebrant is looking confused.) My heart beats so fast in my chest I think it will leap out. We even get the celebrant to take some pictures of us. We exchange rings, his the same as mine, and he sweeps me into his arms, kissing me until I'm dizzy from lack of oxygen and happiness. "Come on Sam," Jack gazes down at me as we step into the sunlight, his thumb idly caressing the hand that he's holding. "Let's go celebrate."

It must have been pure bad luck. Out of all the bars in all the world, Lewis Farrow walks into the one we're celebrating in. Jack and I have had a few drinks each and Jack is paying the bill when Farrow sits down next to me. "Well we meet again," he leers "and you're looking just as lonely as before." Which isn't at all I want to snap but instead I just smile coldly and politely. He's drunk so he has an excuse. "What do you say, you and me take a ride in my red Ferrari out front back to my hotel room." He dangles the keys in front of me then puts them on the table.

"Tempting but..."

Just then Jack comes back. remove paragraph "Ready to go, Sam?" he asks and I rise to leave, however Farrow grabs my wrist.

"She's leaving with me." He slurs.

I'm not going to go into details of what happened next. Jack told him to let me go, Farrow called me a bad name and tried to kiss me. Jack went a bit berserk and there was a punch up. Somewhere in the ruckus I grabbed Farrow's keys, grabbed Jack's hand and got out.

"Look," I said gleefully "I've got his keys."

What can I say, I didn't want him driving in his condition. He might have caused an accident. So we stole his car and while cruising down the highway the cops showed up. Pretty stupid in retrospect I guess. When we spotted the lights in the rearview mirror, Jack pulled over straight away, cursing heavily. The officer strode up with a stern look on his face, obviously expecting some joy riding kids. Instead he got two people who were only kids at heart at best. I gave him my best innocent, sweet look.

He arrested us.

Luckily Daniel bailed us out, although he appeared to be pretty pissed off to be woken early in the morning. Fortunately the cops were too busy pissing themselves laughing to be mean to us. Finally Daniel stopped asking us questions and ordered us to bed.

Stopping outside my room I fumble my key into the lock, unable to really concentrate with Jack hovering at my shoulder. I finally manage to get the keys working, glancing up at Jack I study his face, yesterday afternoon seems like a long time ago.

"Would you like to come in?" I ask him hesitantly. He nods and I open the door, gesturing him inside. I close the door softly behind me and walk inside to sit next to him on the bed. Some corner of my mind absently notices that I'm trembling. This is different from yesterday afternoon. This isn't a drunken combination of arousal, love and false courage brought on by alcohol. This is us, we have nothing to hide behind this time.

"Sam," he whispers and it's more like a prayer than an ordinary word. I join my fingers behind his neck, letting them smooth his short hair. He shivers and dips his head to mine. I raise my lips the last few millimeters to his and in the moment they meet all that matters is the way the base of my spine tingles where one on his hands holds me close, the way my stomach grows warm when he kisses me and the way his lips are warm and soft and totally mine. I can't remember ever being this happy. I can't remember ever wanting anybody this much.

Then the door flings open and we jump apart guiltily as Daniel strides into the room with a piece of paper clutched in his hand. He stops dead in his tracks at the sight of us, gazing in astonishment. "You're wearing rings!" he exclaims. Huh? He walks in on two of his best friends kissing, on a bed no less and his first comment is 'you're wearing rings'? He really needs to get his priorities straight. Jack stuffs his left hand into his pocket, I sit on mine before rationalisation can take over instincts. We're behaving like guilty teenagers for god sakes! I get off my hand to gesture to the room's one chair. "Sit down, Daniel, we'll explain."

Half an hour later, Daniel sits there just staring at us. "Okay," he finally says "So you blew off the conference, got drunk, slept together, decided to get married because of some loopholes, went out, had some more drinks, got into a punch up with some guy and stole his car." It sounds so simple when he says it.

Jack and I glance at each other. "Pretty much sums it up." He says.

Daniel gets up and walks to the door. "Right, here's your marriage certificate," he lays it down on the dresser, "Now I'm going to bed to catch up on my interrupted sleep." He glares at us slightly. "As pleased as I am that you two have finally decided that you love each other I do need my beauty sleep." He pauses at the open door. "If General Hammond asks, tell him you were drugged. I don't care how or why, but you were and it wasn't my fault." He leaves the room, locking the door before he goes out.

"So Sam," Jack inches closer to me. "We're married now."

I smile as his lips hover above mine.

Life is sweet.



END




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