I heard a voice through Jack's little black box... his radio. And I recognised it. It was the woman who had come with them through the stone circle - Major Carter, I believe her name was.
They were returning for him. Returning for my Jack. I felt empty when I heard her, yet at the same time strangely relieved. No longer would I have to live alongside a man who I love, but who does not love me. The night after Payan's party, we had retired to bed together, but nothing happened. Jack passed out, and as I curled up next to him, he murmured the name "Sam." I hadn't realised they were lovers. I sent him out to chop wood the next morning; I couldn't look at him. He was obviously unaware of what had happened the previous night, and I was not going to tell him. I hoped in time that he would learn to forget about her, and learn to love me.
Then I heard her voice. And my world came crashing down around me. And now I sit here, staring at his radio. Do I tell him, or do I not?
I have been alone for so long, ever since Angar died. Jack had filled the vacancy in my heart in such a short time, yet somehow I knew that there was always going to be a part of his heart that was to be out of my reach. Maybe even all of it. I would have his body, and his mind, but I wouldn't have his heart. And in the end, is that all we want? To be loved as we love, with mind, body and heart? I knew that if Jack stayed here, he would never truly be happy, no matter how hard he tries to hide his pain.
I told him that I mourned my husband for a hundred days. Yet I am of the belief that even if Jack mourns for his Sam a hundred years, then his heart will still be hollow, and his thoughts of her. And I have to confess that I am jealous. What does she have that I don't? With the exception of course of Jack's heart.
Major Sam Carter is a very lucky woman. I do not think she realises that. I do not think that even Jack realises how deep his feelings are for her. I am the outsider, looking in on their relationship, and I see it as clear as fire rain.
There is a tale in our village that when the fire rain falls, a couple will be blessed. I had hoped that it would be Jack and I that would be blessed this year. After all, it was due to the fire rain that he remained here with me. But maybe I was fooling myself. Jack could never truly be happy with me. We are a life too far away from his old one. A simple farming village, nothing like the world of wonders the stone circle will return him to.
But still the question is, do I tell him, or not? Can I live with myself knowing that I did not give him the chance to return? Am I strong enough to loose another man; this one to another woman instead of nature? But am I strong enough to face him every day, knowing that he is not happy, and that I was the one who removed his chance for happiness. Just like his return to his world will tear the still beating heart from my bosom, and trample it on the ground.
I love him like I never thought I would love after my husband's death. The thought of loosing him pains me, but in the end, isn't happiness all that matters? I will suffer, so Jack and Sam can be happy. And the others that he works with, his family back home - they too will be happy. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one. We are all taught that, with the
tale of Tohur. Before the village was settled, while we were still nomads, our people were hunted. Forced to hide away from those who would do them harm. Tohur was forced to silence his baby daughter to prevent themselves from being discovered one of these times. The baby was silenced forever to save the tribe. Tohur was able to stop the life of his own flesh and blood to save those people. I will stop loving to save Jack from himself.
I will tell him.
It is for the greater good.
And may Taran have mercy on me.
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