Jack
He looks at her, and feels guilty.
It is not the right thought to be having, for love. But still he has it. He can not fight the feelings of guilt and so he lets it wash over him. He is lying to everyone, he is committing the biggest betrayal of his life.
He looks at her but she does not skip a beat in her presentation. He looks at Daniel, at Teal'c, at General Hammond, and knows that they don't know. He knows that he is lying to them, deceiving them, betraying them. For her.
She speaks and he is amazed that no one can tell what has happened, that she can act like she hasn't done anything. Later in the briefing he speaks too, and can not believe himself. Just the right note of sarcasm, just a small joke. He is himself and no one can tell otherwise.
Such a big betrayal. Such a big deception. He has never been happy about deception.
She finishes her speech and sits beside him again. If her thigh brushes his as she settles herself, is it such a crime? If his heart clenches just a little inside his chest, is he truly guilty? She smiles at him just the right amount. He jokes with her as he always does. No one suspects, no one knows that they are being deceived.
It eats at him inside and he wonders if it's truly worth it. Has he made the right choice? Will he be able to be happy even as the guilt gnaws at his conscience. Whether the choice is right or not, he has made it.
He will deceive them, and they won't suspect a thing.
Sam
Her heart does not beat extra fast during her presentation. She does not stumble over her words. She is cool, calm and collected. Her presentation is perfect and she knows it. No one challenges her, no one asks if something has changed. When she had coffee with Janet that morning, the doctor didn't suspect anything. They chatted as usual, about the soap that they both watch (though which Sam frequently misses), about Cassie's grades at school, about Sam's last mission. She knows she could have mentioned it, or given a hint. She knows that Janet would have been discreet. But she didn't, instead she smiled the right amount and looked just tired enough and laughed just right and her friend didn't suspect. No one suspects.
She is so well practiced at the dance that she has learnt the steps by heart. Everyone suspects her feelings for her Colonel, but no one suspects that she would do anything about them. She has the perfect cover, she will pretend that everything goes on as it did before. That she pines after the forbidden fruit, that she is the good Major, always obeying the rules. She laughs at his jokes as she always does. She smiles in the usual secret way at his sarcasm. General Hammond pretends not to be exasperated as he always does, Daniel and Teal'c make their usual responses. Everything is the same and yet everything is changed. She feels guilty for a moment and then stifles it. Doesn't she deserve this much after everything she's done for the world?
Jack
He does not drag her into a storage closet and kiss her. He does not linger in her lab overly long. He does not grasp her hand secretly under the briefing table. He does sit with her in the mess hall at lunch, he does bring her coffee as she works, he does pretend to be confused at her latest experiment. After all, he's always done these things.
He fills out his paperwork, he visits Daniel `just for a chat', he meets Teal'c in the gym for a light workout. Nothing has changed and yet everything has changed. He has no idea how it happened this way, but it was incredibly easy.
He had shown up at her door unannounced, and she had let him in unquestioningly. She went into the kitchen to make coffee and he had followed her instead of sitting on the couch. She stirred in sugar and cream while he perched on her bench instead of a stool. She didn't ask him anything, not why he was there, or what he wanted. She just handed him the coffee. He had taken it, held it in his hands but not drunk it, even as she sipped hers. He had looked at her with the heavy knowledge that what he was about to do would change everything, that he could never go back from there. He had put his cup aside and told her
"Carter, this just isn't working for me anymore."
She had known he wasn't talking about the coffee.
Sam
She had known from the moment he had appeared at her door that he was there for a reason. And there in her kitchen, he had confronted her about what she had assumed would remain unspoken. She was sick of the game, of denial, of frustration, of loneliness and of wondering. She had placed her cup to the side, and looked him straight in the eye. She wanted to be honest for a change instead of pretending she didn't feel anything.
"So what do you want to do about it?"
He had hopped down from the bench with surprising agility. Her breath caught in her throat. He stood there for a moment, looking at her, weighing up his options. Had he seen the consent in her eyes, or only the tiredness in them? Had he thought about the future, or merely the present? Calculated the amount of years they would have to wait if they obeyed the rules? Calculated the percentage of one of them dying, this time forever, before they ever did anything about their feelings?
Nothing was spoken about love, or about consequences. Nothing needed to be. He crossed the distance to her in two short steps. She reached out her hand and took his. He leaned down and kissed her. The coffee grew cold as they held each other. She thought that maybe she would cry. His hands held her firmly, their lips did not leave each other. Eventually, she led him upstairs.
They had undressed each other slowly, he had been gentle and sweet. It was not what she had been expecting. When it was over, she cried into his shoulder, not entirely sure why. He held onto her gently but firmly, until she was done. He had reached out and touched her cheek, a soft caress.
They hadn't talked about what had happened, they didn't need to. Eventually they put their clothes back on, and went downstairs. He made them both cheese sandwiches for lunch and they sat in front of the television watching animals eating each other on the discovery channel.
Eventually he left. She had known that he would, if someone saw his car outside her house for too long they would suspect something.
"I'll see you tomorrow, Carter." He told her, and kissed her goodbye.
She watched him leave. And smiled.
Jack
It has now months since that day. Still they haven't discussed what is now between them. He isn't even sure if he knows himself what they're doing. It's not a regular thing, and it's certainly not obvious. Neither of them leaves the base any earlier than they used to, he doesn't go to her house every night. Their times together are few and far between. Always, he comes to her. He will turn up unannounced outside her house, holding paperwork or a mission report in his hands. Whatever work he has brought, they always do it, sitting in her lounge room and drinking coffee or beer. Whether they get to the bedroom or not depends on the day, but usually they do. Sometimes he hangs around for longer, and talk about meaningless things. Sometimes he only stays for an hour.
They are careful, so very, very careful. They never let the neighbours see them holding hands or kissing. They always use protection. He never offers to drive her home after they've been out with their team. They spend just as much time with Daniel and Teal'c as they used to. He never, ever, stays the night.
Whatever they have, it's not normal. He knows that. But when was the last time he had normal in his life anyway. He saves the world on an almost daily basis. Aliens beam him up for one on one chats. He's died or nearly died so often that he's lost count. Their relationship may not be normal, but it does bring some happiness into his life. They've wasted too much time as it is, he doesn't want to waste anymore. Whatever is between them, it's better than having nothing between them. Being with her for a few hours is better than pining after her and having nothing.
He is happy, in his own way. But the guilt still gets to him. Nothing has changed, but still, everything has changed. And no one has noticed.
Sam
She feels most guilty about deceiving Daniel and Teal'c. Followed closely by the General. She knows that her behaviour around them hasn't changed at all, it's been almost too easy to slip into this new role. She pretends to be exasperated at the Colonel's jokes, and complains good-naturedly about him with Daniel. She discusses upcoming mission details and pop culture with Teal'c. She reports her latest scientific findings with the General and sees him gaze at her proudly when he thinks she isn't looking. She feels sick to her stomach at their unquestioning friendship and resists the urge to throw up.
She wonders why the hell it's a crime for her to be happy, and whether she's really happy anyway. She wonders if she should've waited after all. She loves him, she knows that. She loves him so much that it makes her gut twist and her heart heavy and her legs shaky. But she never shows it, not even to him. She knows he understands how much she loves him, she wouldn't be in this affair otherwise. There, she's thought it, affair. Because affairs are wrong, affairs involve someone being betrayed, and in this affair a lot of people are being betrayed. She wonders if someone in an affair has ever betrayed a whole military base before. She severely doubts it.
She aches for his touch and she dreads it. She waits for him to appear at her home and wishes he wouldn't. She feels eager and sick at the same time. She feels guilty. So very, very guilty. Every time Daniel jokes with her, every time Teal'c treats her with respect, every time the General looks proud. The guilt rises up and threatens to overwhelm her. Her passions are choking her slowly. She finds it hard to eat and then convinces herself that she must or someone will suspect. All through it she maintains a smiling face, a perfect composure. And still no one guesses. No one except the Colonel that is.
He stops coming to her house.
Jack
He knows that it's killing her. She is slowly self-destructing under her burden of guilt. He knows because it's affecting him as well. She's always been more by the book than him, maybe that's why it's affecting her worse. He can't stand to see her in this kind of pain, and decides that he has to do something to stop it. Without any discussion he stops coming to see her. No more snatched kisses, no more afternoons spent eating pizza in her lounge room and laughing at crappy movies, no more nights so breathtaking that when he drove home his head would still be spinning.
He doesn't avoid her either. He still stops by her office to chat and annoy her. He still eats cake with her in the commissary. He still holds her gear for her when they go on a mission and jokes with her. If he tries hard enough then he can almost forget that anything happened at all, almost. If he really concentrates hard on ignoring the obvious he can believe that they're exactly the way they used to be in the beginning, before any of this happened, before he even began to love her. But that was a long time ago and it is not possible to take back time.
The pain in her eyes when she looks at him does not lessen, even though he can see that she's trying. The pull towards her that he feels, almost bodily, does not go away as he hoped it would. He thought that letting her go would give her the peace she needed, would take away the guilt. He wishes that he could see her happy again. He wonders what's worse, feeling bad for deceiving everyone or feeling bad for having done it and then feeling too guilt to continue. He gets the urge to go to Hammond and confess everything, just to get it off his chest, court-martial be damned, but knows that he can't do that to her.
He tries to forget, but the memories just become more vivid.
They eat away at his peace of mind until he feels frayed around the edges. No one notices, not yet, but he thinks that they will soon enough.
Sam
Staying away from him takes all the self control she ever thought she had. She thought that it would become better once they?well there's not really a word for it. They didn't break up, they didn't end it, it just ceased one day all of its own. She thinks of old song lyrics that proclaim `I can't live with or without you' and then can't believe she's relating her life to song lyrics. She wonders whether it's better to feel a lot of guilt mixed with happiness or a slight amount of guilt with utter desolation of the soul. She reminds herself not to be so damn melodramatic when thinking about her personal life.
Daniel comes to see her one day in her lab and looks her over with concern in his eyes. "Has something happened, Sam? You look like you've been a bit down lately." She assures him that she's just tired, and yes she will go home, and yes she will get a good night's sleep, and yes she will look after herself better from now on. She resists the urge to laugh at her situation that she only stops being effective in deceiving people once the affair is actually over.
She leaves at eight that night, mindful of keeping up appearances for Daniel but she can't make herself go home, instead she finds herself stopping at his door. It's gut wrenchingly terrifying and difficult and she's not really sure what she plans to do there but there's no other options at this point. She's drowning in a sea of depression, paranoia and general angst and he's the only bright point on the horizon. She once again reminds herself not to be so damn melodramatic about her love life.
He opens the door before she even makes it up the path and she thinks that he must have known she would come. Maybe he's been expecting it for days, maybe for weeks. Maybe ever since the day he made the decision to stop coming to her house. She wonders if she should've prepared a speech or actually thought for at least one minute about what she was going to say and do before she came over, about what outcome she wanted, but logical thought and speech tend to disappear when she's with him.
Instead she falls into his arms, allowing him to pin her to the wall before the door is even properly closed, allowing him to practically drag her to the bedroom in his haste, allowing herself to forget for just a few moments that this is wrong, wrong, wrong and always will be. Instead of discussing her feelings with him she shows him, instead of talking about what they should do next she allows herself to merge with him. She wonders why she thought she could ever stay away from him in the first place. She decides to damn herself to hell if that's what the consequences will be, she knows she's past the point of no return now.
She stays the night.
Jack
He cooks her pancakes in the morning. It's the least he can do for her after the weeks of hell they've both just faced. He knows without having to ask her that she's probably `this close' to having a nervous breakdown and treads gently. Her eyes have circles under them that they didn't before. He had noticed of course, but not at this close a range. Seeing the concern in his eyes a few tears drip into her maple syrup before he wipes them away.
"No crying," he tells her "I'm going to look after you from now on."
She nods, knowing that it's the absolute truth. He holds her hand across the table and takes a deep breath before saying his next words.
"I love you." She looks up in surprise, she hadn't expected him to say it, he knows this, they've never spoken about it before.
She thinks about it for a moment and then smiles, a smile that reminds him of before, of when things weren't so damn complicated. "I love you too." She tells him. He doesn't even consider that this whole situation is an awful clich?.
She stays the whole day. He tells her everything that he's ever wanted to tell her over the months they've been together, but hesitated to say. She does the same. Sitting together on the couch he hugs her so tightly she thinks that he would probably melt into her if he was able to. Something has changed, they both know it, they've given a name to their relationship now, and things that are named can not be as easily ignored or hidden.
"No more guilt," he tells her "No more lies." He's sick of all that and he knows that she is too. They're ready to face the consequences of their actions, they're ready to move on. But first they must make peace with those who matter the most.
Both
He calls Daniel and Teal'c and asks them both to come over. She cleans up from breakfast and straightens her clothes almost compulsively. He rubs her back in a smoothing motion. When she opens the door to them Daniel looks surprised but Teal'c does not. Then again, Teal'c hardly ever looks surprised. They all sit down at Jack's dining table and the two of them confess everything.
Teal'c is the first to break the silence. "I had suspected." He tells them.
Jack almost laughs. If anyone were to suspect then it would have to be Teal'c. His quietness allows him to observe things more easily and thoroughly than others.
"Well I didn't." Daniel tells them, sounding a bit put out. "Why didn't you tell us? Didn't you trust us to keep it a secret."
"We're so sorry." Sam tells him fervently "I honestly don't know why we didn't tell you, I don't even know what we were thinking at the time."
"We just want to come clean." Jack tells them, "We don't want there to be any secrets anymore."
"What will you do next?" Teal'c asks them, always the forward planner.
"We'll go to the General."
**
They both go to hand in their resignation letters together. The General is shocked, he can't understand why they're doing it. Until they explain, then the General is even more shocked. The look on his face speaks of betrayal, disappointment and just a little bit as if he's been expecting it for a long, long time. They struggle not to shrink under his gaze and for just a moment, a very small moment, wish that they could take it back.
"But I don't understand," he tells them "How could I not have known about this?"
Jack gives an ironic smile "We were very discrete, General, extremely discreet."
They both stress the fact that they were alone in their deceit, no one else knew anything.
The General explains that he'll have to consult his superiors, that it could even result in a court martial. They just nod, whatever happens now is for the best. They are stood down from duty pending the outcome of an investigation.
The sun is shining outside, Daniel and Teal'c are waiting for them.
"So how'd it go?" Daniel asks.
"As we expected it would." Jack replies simply, then as an afterthought "Well we're all off duty for awhile, why don't we go see a movie."
After a bit of persuading Daniel and Teal'c agree. They go to see some new Hollywood action movie.
Jack and Sam share popcorn.
He doesn't hesitate to put his arm around her.
**
Hammond is involved, the President is involved, the Joint Chiefs are involved, Generals that they've never even heard of are involved. After awhile they stop trying to work out who's on their side, who's after their blood and who's just enjoying the spectacle. They sit back and let it work out by itself. Weeks of wrangling between political factions and the court martial doesn't happen, but just barely. It turns out that saving the world a few times counts for something after all. It's understood that Jack will retire from the military, again, although everybody suspects that probably sometime in the future he will be recalled back to active duty, again. This is the price that he will pay for his mistake. Sam will remain with SG-1, but will not be promoted any time soon and will not be the commanding officer. That is the price that she will pay for her mistake. She will also continue to work in the labs, in short it's been decided that she's too valuable to lose. This is slowly worked out over weeks and weeks.
They are both suspended for six months from any work at the SGC at all. In the end it only lasts for two. Sam had been betting on one, Jack on three, in the end they were both half right. They avert another crisis, and all is (almost) forgiven. Jack takes up his new role as a consultant on the base, Sam comes back to work. He's more satisfied with his current life than the old one, now when he drops around to Sam's lab for a chat he can kiss her hello. Now when they eat together in the commissary he can hold her hand if he wants to, though he hardly ever does.
Eventually he's called back to active duty, although it's understood that he won't rejoin SG-1. Everyone knows that eventually he'll replace the general.
They don't get married immediately, they don't even get engaged, they simply?date. He holds her hand as they walk down the street. They host a joint barbecue at his house for their friends. Occasionally he takes her out for dinner in an expensive restaurant and they dress up. They still spend a lot of time with Daniel and Teal'c, having `team nights' despite the fact that they're not really a team anymore.
In the true sense of the word they'll never stop being a team.
Eventually they move in together. It just feels right at the time. They sell both their houses and buy a new one. He thinks about proposing marriage, he'll do it sometime before he makes general, he'll do it when the time is right.
Their relationship is no longer poised somewhere between happiness and regret and if sometimes when they look at their past actions they feel a twinge of guilt, does it prove that they were wrong? And if sometimes they wonder why they didn't just do this years ago, are they truly guilty?
They remind themselves not to be so damn melodramatic about their present happiness.
I will no longer repeat unspoken words.
But in memory of that non-meeting
I will plant a sweetbriar.
There the miracle of our meeting
shone and sang,
I did not want to go back
to anywhere from there.
Putting happiness before duty
was my bitter joy.
I talked with someone I shouldn't have
I talked for a long time.
Let passions which demand an answer
choke those who are in love,
but we, my darling, are just souls
at the edge of the earth.
- Anna Akhmatova
Story Notes: EMAIL: butterflitter@hotmail.com
ARCHIVING: SJ Archive, Heliopolis, anyone else please ask first, I'm sure to say yes.
CATEGORY: Angst/Romance
FEEDBACK: It will let me know whether to let the other stories off my harddrive!
AUTHOR'S: The title, and the fic as well is inspired by a poem by Anna Akhmatova which you can find at the bottom of the fic.
ARCHIVING: SJ Archive, Heliopolis, anyone else please ask first, I'm sure to say yes.
CATEGORY: Angst/Romance
FEEDBACK: It will let me know whether to let the other stories off my harddrive!
AUTHOR'S: The title, and the fic as well is inspired by a poem by Anna Akhmatova which you can find at the bottom of the fic.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]