He sat by her bedside for a long time. Even though he knew there was no sign of life in her, save the artificially induced breathing, he couldn’t quite bring himself to believe she was gone.
Just like that. Gone.
He’d killed the woman he loved, the woman he loved more than life itself. The words rang over an over in his head, in sharp, accusing tones.
You killed the woman you love, the woman you love more than life itself!
Jack held back a sigh and fiddled with the pen in his hands. He needed to focus on anything but the words ringing through his brain.
You killed the woman you love, the woman you love more than life itself!
Jack risked a glance over at her and felt tears pricking his eyes, a huge lump forming in the back of his throat so he couldn’t quite fully choke back the sob threatening to tear him apart. It came out a quiet growl from deep in his chest.
You’re a soldier, you don’t cry, he scolded himself. He forced himself to swallow hard against the boulder lodged in his throat.
You killed the woman you love, the woman you love more than life itself!
The words just wouldn’t stop coming. Jack’s eyes turned back to the pen in his hands, anything to not have to look at her lifeless form.
He heard the soft footsteps approaching, knew it was the doctor without even looking up. She moved to stand beside him, staying silent for a moment.
Finally, no small hesitance in her voice, she spoke. “Still no change. I don't know if she ever told you this Colonel, but Sam made a living will. No extraordinary means.”
It took Jack a split second to find his voice. “Yeah, she told me.”
“There's no brain activity of any kind, no brain wave from either Sam or the entity. She's being kept alive entirely on life support. I think it's time to let her go Sir.” Janet’s voice was gentle, and on the verge of cracking.
Jack, too, was on the verge of cracking. “Just give it a minute, huh,” he somehow managed. He nodded his head absently. He wasn’t quite ready to let her go. He just needed to figure out a way to say goodbye, that was all.
You killed the woman you love, the woman you love more than life itself!
And to get those blasted words out of his head. He shook his head. He didn’t think he’d ever be ready to let her go. He could live with a lot of bad stuff, but the guilt from this might truly do him in. He was responsible for killing the woman he loved more than life itself.
Daniel and Teal’c came in. Jack finally let go of the weary sigh he’d been holding in, grateful he was no longer alone with the words in his head. Daniel gave him a moment before speaking.
“Just thought you should know, Hammond ordered the mainframe thing in the MALP room destroyed in case the entity managed to find it's way back in there, it's probably what it was trying to do.”
Daniel and Teal’c stood staring at Sam for a long quiet moment. “We heard Janet…” Daniel trailed off for a moment, then swallowed once before continuing. “I think it’s time to say goodbye, Jack.”
“How do we do that?” Jack asked quietly. Daniel shook his head.
Suddenly General Hammond’s voice was blaring over the loudspeaker. “SG1 to the MALP room immediately!”
Jack, Daniel, and Teal’c spared Sam one last split second before they hustled out of the room.
A few minutes later, and Sam had been wheeled into the MALP room. Janet was studying the computer readings. “This EEG matches Sam’s. I don’t know how, but it’s her,” she informed the awaiting General.
“So what do we do?” Hammond asked.
“There’s nothing I can do, Sir, but to provide a conduit for her to return into her own body.”
General Hammond nodded, then Teal’c raised his zat.
“The entity has deceived us on several occasions,” he stated simply. Hammond nodded, as did Jack, though he did so with a wince as he hoped against hope that this would work.
“Go ahead, Doctor,” Hammond ordered. Janet nodded, then flipped a switch. The room lit up as an electrical charge surged into Sam, sparks flying in the small room. After a moment, it was over and Sam gasped for air.
“She’s back,” Janet announced happily.
Jack stared at her, almost afraid to believe his own eyes. “Hey, Carter, where you been?” His voice was low and gentle, and all he could manage without betraying all the emotions surging through his veins. He walked over to her bedside, and fought desperately against the urge to take her hand in his. He tapped the edge of her bed, instead.
“It’s gone?” Sam asked hoarsely.
“Yes, it is,” Hammond answered, a smile of relief gracing his features.
“I was shouting for you to hear,” Sam said, her voice still as hoarse as though she had actually been screaming for dear life.
“We heard,” Jack said. I heard, he thought, as he looked into her eyes, searching them to confirm she really was herself.
Sam nodded, then rest her head back down on the bed as though exhausted from the effort of mere speaking. A small smile began to grace her features as her eyes fluttered closed.
It was a few hours later before she regained full consciousness. The first thing she was aware of was Jack, sitting near her bedside, his head propped up on his hand, his elbow resting on his knee. As soon as she looked at him, he sat upright with a smile.
“How ya feeling?” Jack asked her gently.
Sam blinked a few times, took a deep breath and let it out slowly before answering him. “Good, actually.”
“That’s good,” Jack said. “You need anything?”
“Some water?” Sam asked, her voice still a little froggy. Jack busied himself with the task of fixing her a cup of water from a pitcher on a nearby table. He brought it to her with a gracious smile.
“So,” he began as Sam sipped her drink, “we almost lost you there. For a while… you were gone…” Jack stopped, unable to find the words to express himself properly. “I had to shoot you. I’m sorry.”
“You did what you had to do to protect the base, I’m sure, Sir,” she replied. There was no blame in her voice, which strangely made Jack feel all the worse.
“Yeah,” Jack finally managed in response. He stood there staring at her for a long moment, unable to break eye contact with her. He silently tried to will her to understand how much this had affected him, how truly sorry he was for causing her death—however temporary it may have been.
“It’s okay, Sir. I won’t hold it against you,” Sam said at last with a small smile of sympathy.
Jack stood staring at her for another long, quiet moment, now trying to will himself to accept the relief that was beginning to flood his system. However much he might still blame himself, she didn’t blame him, and that was important. He needed her trust.
At last, Jack nodded, allowing a smile to grace his features, for her benefit.
“We’ll be okay, won’t we Sir?”
“Sure we will,” Jack said easily. “We’ll be fine.” The smile finally reached his eyes, and the smile he got from her in return lit up nearly all the dark places in his battle-hardened heart. “Why don’t I go get Daniel and Teal’c? I’m sure they’ll love to see you.”
Sam nodded, then her smile faded. “Sir? May I ask you a question?” Jack nodded. “Have you ever experienced total sensory deprivation?” Jack hesitated a moment, his eyes darkening as he nodded slowly. “That’s what it was, completely and totally sensory deprived. I was aware of everything and nothing at the same time.” Sam closed her eyes and shook her head. “It’s good to be back. Everything seems suddenly fresh and new. Even this dreary old place. I have this urge to experience everything. I want to climb a mountain and eat a gallon of ice cream, I want to go hang-gliding and I want to fly a death glider. I just want to feel. That doesn’t sound too crazy, does it?”
“After what you just went through? No way! I say go for it. You ever been hang-gliding before?”
“No, actually, I haven’t. Always wanted to learn, but I’ve always been too busy.”
“I happen to be fairly good at it. I could teach you sometime, if you like…” Jack added, almost shyly.
“I just might take you up on that, sir.” Sam sat up and rolled her head around. “Why don’t you go get the guys? I can’t wait to see them again.” She smiled at Jack, and he couldn’t resist smiling back.
“All right. See you in a bit, then.” Jack turned around and started to leave the room.
“Sir?” Sam called out as he reached the doorway. He turned around with a questioning look on his face. “Thank you, Sir. For being here when I woke up. I appreciate not being alone.” Jack nodded, then turned and left before he found himself confessing that he couldn’t tear himself away from her side until he was sure she’d be one hundred percent all right. He left her room smiling, finally assured that she would be.
~o~O~o~
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]