She wanted to reach out to him. Reach out and take his hand, or his forearm, and run her thumb over his skin, or so he could feel the contact through his uniform. Some support, a sign that she was there for him, that it was okay, but all she could do was stand before him and look at him, stare at him.
She knew that, later, she could talk to him, tell him she understood. Remind him even that he had done worse things and that in the end he had done the right thing. She wouldn’t though. She wouldn’t even approach him about it. It wasn’t appropriate for them to do that, for her to do that for him. She knew Daniel wouldn’t approach him either, he would brush the younger man off immediately, assuming he would want to say ‘I told you so’. Teal’c was the one that would say something if there was anything to be said and maybe that was for the best but Sam still wanted to reach out to him.
She knew what had happened when Jack and Teal’c had took part in that battle. She knew the image of the ‘enemy’ fighter pilot would now be burnt into his mind along with hundreds of other faces. A flash of his silent scream to remind him of the mistake he had made.
Had almost made, she could argue but she knew he would take nothing more than complete blame. She was sure he would now hold himself in the same regard as the Eurondans as they tried ethnically cleansed their world and they had tired to help even if it was for a brief time. It was hard to know what went on in his mind but the look on his face made her want to wrap her arms around him and hold him tight to her.
She wouldn’t but she wanted to.
Instead she would walk away and shower, try and remove the emotion she felt before attending their debriefing. She understood how he felt, she had agreed with him completely until the Eurondans story had started to unravel with the facts. She wasn’t in charge though and General Hammond hadn’t pulled her aside to talk about the importance of new technology in the fight against the Goa’uld. He had ordered her to go back and get the heavy water but she would’ve gone anyway.
She gave him one last look before burying the desire to comfort him and heading to the locker room to change. Just another reminder that she was getting in over her head. Another test and they were apart again, like they should be.
Except, he was stood outside the locker room waiting for her when she was finished and instead of walking straight past her, he reached out to her. A firm grip on her left arm, stopping her, before releasing her a moment later. She wasn’t sure what to say. Words sounded trite in her own head and this was a rare situation for them. She didn’t know what he wanted from her and all she wanted to do was use physical contact to comfort him like she had standing before him on the ramp moments after Alar had hit the iris.
“Sir.”
She could take one step forward and wrap her arms around him.
“It’s okay Carter.”
She didn’t believe him and looked long into his eyes before nodding slowly. She could reached out with her fingers and take his hand in hers.
“Sir.” He smiled and walked past her into the locker room. She could reach out and pull him around to face her and kiss him.
She walked away.
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