What was left of the humans from Earth had been settled on the Alpha Site for a few months now. Everyone had settled in, knew what their jobs were and seemed to be taking to this new life quite well. Sam, however, wasn't dealing with the situation as easily as everyone else. She had been the one in charge of coming up with a ridiculous plan that would save the world and for the first time in they didn't know how long, her plan had failed. The asteroid set on course for Earth by Anubis had impacted with the planet after the discovery that their ship just didn't have the power left to execute her hyperspace flight through the planet plan.
She was doing her best to put the good soldier face on, to not let on that she was feeling guilt at not being able to save the planet again. Deep down she knew that no one faulted her for what had happened, but it didn't sooth her conscience any.
Everything seemed to come to a head that night in the mess. The day had been unremarkable, a generator fluctuation here, a water purifier incident there and a visit from some of the rebel Jaffa, looking to trade information and intelligence. Sam had been quiet through diner, picking at her tray and pushing it around more than actually eating it while Jack, Teal'c and Daniel discussed what had been passed along to them by the Jaffa.
As usual, Jack and Daniel picked a small argument with each other over nothing and Teal'c looked on in amusement, knowing that the men were just bugging each other, but it was starting to grate on Sam's nerves. She listened for a few more moments before dropping her fork to her tray. The table grew quiet as they watched Sam rake frustrated fingers through her hair before leaving the table.
SG1 watched as Sam silently slipped from the table and wove silently through the crowd of people still in the mess hall. Daniel, Teal'c and Jack all looked at each other, none of them really sure what they had said or done to make her pack up and leave. They all knew she was going to disappear for several hours, though only Jack knew that she was going to disappear to her little hide out on The Hill.
“We're letting her do this again?” Daniel asked, dropping is fork back onto his tray, his appetite gone.
“We're not letting her do anything,” O'Neill said, his eyes still fixed firmly on his tray. “This is something she has to work out for herself.”
“It's been months now, Jack,” Daniel said again.
“I know.”
“She barely ever stops working.”
“I know.”
“She can't keep punishing herself like this.”
“I know!” Jack said in a harsh whisper, finally looking up from his tray to fix Daniel with a stern look. “I know she needs to move on, to accept that this wasn't her fault but I can't just snap my fingers and make all the guilt she carries go away, I'm not her CO any more.” Daniel snapped his mouth shut, not wanting to have this argument again. Even though they had been settled in the Alpha Site for months now, all it would take is one over heard comment to make Sam feel guilty for not pulling yet another miraculous save out of her hat. No matter how many times Jack, Daniel, Teal'c and few others tried to assure her that it was not her fault, she still believed that it was. Most of the time, it didn't seem to bother her, but after a particularly long day spent rushing from broken machine to broken machine with little to no down time left Sam's emotions a little closer to the surface than she liked.
“But you are her friend, O'Neill,” Teal'c pointed out, finally joining in the conversation. “We all are.”
“Then why don't you go fix her?” O'Neill snapped as he abruptly stood and grabbed his tray, leaving Teal'c and Daniel alone at their table. Jack stalked out to the middle of the compound and took a moment to absorb the silence of the evening. He knew where Carter had gone and he really should go after her, but he was having trouble gearing himself up for the task tonight. He turned himself towards The Hill and scanned it over until he saw the dark figure moving slowly up The Hill. “God Damnit,” he muttered to himself before he started off in Carter's direction. She just had to decide to use the one of the steepest hills around as he spot of refuge. He didn't know why this surprised him, he had never seen Sam take the easy way out in the 5 years he'd known her. Slowly, he made his way up the hill, trying to follow the path that she was beginning to wear in the long grass. He paused near the crest of the hill to catch his breath, months stuck mostly behind a desk were starting to show, before he continued over to her.
“Jack,” she said, breaking the silence that was all around them. He didn't always follow her up here, knowing when she needed to be alone and when she needed a friend, but when he did come up, she always seemed to know it was him before he'd even had the chance to say anything.
“Sam,” he replied as he lowered himself to the ground beside her. She had been coming up here often enough to have created her own little nest in the grass. He noticed that he was starting to flatten an area large enough to blend into the one she had created for herself. A heavy silence fell over them again, broken only by the sounds of the small animals and bugs that also lived on this planet.
“Daniel send you?” she asked after a long moment, making no effort to look over at him. Instead, she focused her attention on the small bug that was wandering over her hand. It reminded her of a Lady Bug, even if it was bright orange.
“Daniel never sends me.” He told her as he turned and focused his attention on her profile for a moment. When he discovered that he wasn't going to be able to read her expression, he turned his attention to the bug she was focused on. “We're worried about you,” he finally said. “I'm worried about you,” he amended.
“I'm fine,” she said automatically, blowing gently on the bug until it unfurled it's wings and took off into the night. With this distraction no longer present, she stretched her legs out in front of her and finally turned to look at O'Neill.
“You're not,” he countered. “You may seem fine some days, but you're not and I don't know how to help you fix this.”
“You don't need to fix me, Jack,” she told him firmly. “I just. . .” she trailed off. “I just need some time, it has been a very long few months.” Jack nodded before asking how much time. “Do you really want me give you a number?”
“No,” he said after a moment. She nodded slightly and they fell silent again. “Why do you come up here?” he asked after a long lull in their conversation. She turned fully to look at him. “Why this hill? Why this spot?” he clarified.
“It's away from everyone,” she answered without hesitation. Jack knew that there was more to that explanation than she gave, but he didn't push. This was, by far, the longest conversation they'd ever had while sitting on The Hill. Usually when they started to dig too deep into each others emotional issues, a fight was quickly picked by the one who was feeling the most threatened and their conversation quickly disintegrated into yelling loud enough for the whole base to hear.
“They don't blame you, none of us do,” he said, jumping right to the point of this conversation. Sam didn't have an answer for that. O'Neill let his statement hang in the air as he laid back on the ground, stretching his legs out while tucking his hands under his head. With a sigh, he allowed his eyes to wandered the stars, letting his imagination form pictures in a cosmic dot to dot.
Sam, on the other hand curled into herself, pulling her knees tight up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them as she rested her chin on her knees. She let her eyes roam over the plain gray buildings of the settlement they now called home. She watched a few people who were nothing more than dots wander around the compound before disappearing into various buildings. Most of the people now living here seemed to have just picked up their lives where they'd left off. They worked, ate and lived like Earth hadn't been destroyed by an asteroid a few months ago, like the few thousand people now living on the Alpha Site weren't all that was left of Earth.
Sam let her mind drift until she felt something warm pressed against her side and felt something lightly moving up and down her back. She glanced over and saw that while she had been lost in thought, Jack had sat up and shuffled over until he was pressed against her side, his hand running lightly over her back.
Sam sighed heavily and allowed herself to lean into Jack. “I come up here because no one but you knows I'm up here,” she admitted quietly. “Because I know no one but you is foolish enough to climb up here after me in the dark with no flashlight.” Jack chuckled a little at this. He didn't know of anyone but the members of SG1 who would even think to climb these hills after dark without a light source. Not that the other members of SG1 would think to look for her up here. He supposed that it was a testament to how well he knew her, that even in the dark, he could follow her path and find her in the tall grass.
“I feel like I failed,” she said quietly, so quietly Jack almost didn't hear her. He hated to say it, but he had been waiting a long time to hear her say those words. He didn't like to see Sam fail, but he knew that she needed to admit it out loud before anything could be done about the feelings.
“You didn't fail,” he said automatically, his hand never slowing. “You did everything you could, we all did.” God he hoped he sounded confident. He'd never admit it out loud, but there were times that he really wondered if they had done everything they could have or if they had bailed to save their own skins.
“You saying that doesn't change the fact that I still feel like I failed. I've never failed at anything before.” Jack didn't have a response to this, instead he let his hand slide up to her shoulder and pull her tight against him. He was a little shocked to feel one of her arms snake around behind him and hold on. As time had passed on this rock and he had become a more frequent visitor in her grassy little hide away, they had been growing closer. They sat for a long moment before Sam pulled away from him. “I should go,” she said as she slipped out of his embrace and stood up, heading silently back down The Hill. Jack sighed as he watched her go, but made no immediate moves to follow her. He knew that it didn't matter how many times he or anyone else assured her they she was not to blame for the destruction of Earth. Until she was ready to believe them, she was going to wallow. He was, however, taking the fact that she was allowing him in as a good sign.
Military protocol had slowly been disappearing since they had established themselves here and he had done nothing to stop it. Jack knew that the people living here were going to need to establish relationships that weren't bound by rules and regulations, that if they were truly going to survive and thrive that people were going to have to be allowed to pair off, have kids if they wanted them.
He also wasn't above using this to his advantage. He still cared for Sam, maybe even more than he had when they had first been forced to admit it. He knew she wasn't ready yet, but she was starting to open herself up to him, even if it was only when they were alone and away from the settlement. After so many years of having to keep everything stamped down and hidden, it was strange to even be free to openly hint that they were interested in each other. Jack sighed and sat for a few more minutes before finally pulling himself to his feet and heading down into the settlement, carefully picking his way down the same path Carter had taken a short while ago.
Story Notes: Set after season 5's Fail Safe. Sam was unable to use the cargo ship to sail the asteroid through Earth, as a result, the planet was destroyed. This is a part of a larger story that I think is pretty much dead.
Author's Notes: Set after season 5's Fail Safe. Sam was unable to use the cargo ship to sail the asteroid through Earth, as a result, the planet was destroyed. This is a part of a larger story that I think is pretty much dead.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]