***
He came home to find her wearing one of his old flannel shirts that still smelled like Minnesota and a baggy pair of sweats. She was curled up in bed, on top of the covers, staring at the wall and for a moment, he had a flashback to the time after Jolinar when all she would do was stare at the wall. It was rare weekend for him to be home from Washington and this was definitely not how he wanted to start it. Thoughts of Daniel or Teal'c being seriously injured buzzed around his head as he set his bags down just inside the room.
"Sam?" he asked quietly, cocking his head to the side a little as he wandered slowly into the room.
"I lost it," was all she said, not taking her eyes off of the wall in front of her. She curled into herself a little tighter as his mind raced to put the situation together. It finally all clicked and he didn't know what to say. He was starting to feel the same way he'd felt when he saw that Doctor come walking down the hallway, avoiding eye contact, so many years ago. Instead, he sat himself on the edge of the bed and laid a hand on her shoulder for a moment, waiting to see if she shrug him off or not. When she didn't, he slid it down to her back but made no real effort to pull her any closer to him. Sam mourned in her own way and he had learned long ago that she wanted to know you were there, but to still be alone.
"I'm sorry," he finally muttered softly,taking a risk and dropping a kiss onto the top of her head. She flinched a little and he didn't miss the single tear that rolled silently down her cheek.
**
The days and weeks following that night were rough. He didn't know how to comfort himself about the loss, let alone her. They had never really discussed kids; she was coming up on 40 and her career was really taking off while he was coming up on his mid 50's and had a career that wouldn't stop taking off. They thought they had been doing everything right, but apparently there was a reason every piece of contraception left a .1% chance of failure.
He had offered to take time off and she had simply shook her head, telling him that there was nothing he could do here that he couldn't do from Washington, that she just needed some time to wrap her head around things.
Their phone conversations and email chats had started to get shorter after that. They took on an almost awkward tone. They both knew they were forced conversations. She prattled on about SG1 and the antics of Daniel and Vala while he prattled on about the idiots in Washington and why in the hell did he ever let them give him that second star?
Just as he was starting to wonder if their relationship was going to survive, something he had never doubted until now, she called him out of the blue.
"They've offered me Atlantis," she said. He knew that Weir was missing, probably dead and that no one on Atlantis was really ready for that kind of command. "And I'm going to take it."
"Oh," was all he said. Normally they discussed major career changes like this, especially ones that would take them out of the galaxy for extended periods of time. "When do you leave?"
"18 hours," she said. He heard scuffling and knew that she was packing up things at home. "Daniel said he'd take care of things for me."
"I could do it," he said. "I wouldn't mind."
"He's already here," she replied. "I should go, I still have to pack up my lab."
"Right," he said, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. "Good luck Carter, you'll do great." He heard her suck in a breath when he called her Carter, something he hadn't done when they were alone since they started sleeping together.
"Thanks. I'll miss you," she said. He returned the sentiment and they hung up. Jack couldn't help but think that part of her didn't really mean it.
And neither did he.
**
She'd been gone for a few months and the ache in his chest had only gotten worse. God, he missed her like he missed Charlie, which scared the shit out of him. He'd never missed anyone as much as he missed Charlie, ever. There was only so much you could say in letters that would probably be read by at least 4 different people for security leaks before they even got to you.
Their letters to each other were starting to improve though, loosing the awkward, forced feeling that had given off for so long before she'd left.
He sighed as he re-read her last letter again. He'd lost count of how many times he'd devoured it, searching for subtext and hiding messages in her barely legible hand writing. Her penmanship had always been horrible. Letters and words were scribbled in a rush, all squished together like she was constantly worried she wouldn't have enough paper. She claimed it was because she spent too much time on the computer now and had tried to prove it by showing him things she'd written whens he was younger. He'd smiled and nodded, patronizing her to no end because he could already see her writing taking on the rushed, squished look he knew so well.
He finally sighed and tossed the letter down onto the table beside his chair. He stood and grabbed his coat before heading to the kitchen to grab a beer. He slipped out his patio door and settled himself into the chair that was sitting behind his telescope. He turned it and fiddle with the nobs until he was sure he could make out the beginnings of the Pegasus galaxy. He didn't care that she'd told him a million times that you couldn't see it from Earth. He was convinced that he could and that made things a little easier.
**
She smiled to herself as she read his last letter a few more times. He was telling her useless stories about Cassie and SG1 and various politicians again. She hadn't realized how much she'd missed his lighthearted letters until now. She allowed herself a moment to stare at the picture of him she kept in her quarters. Daniel had snapped it on some planet they'd been on when he wasn't paying attention and as soon as she'd seen it, she pocketed it.
Daniel hadn't even noticed until he'd see a slightly enlarged black and white version of it in her living room one team night. Needless to say, he'd been the first one to find out about the shift in her relationship with Jack.
She missed him. The feeling had been creeping up on her for a few weeks now but she could finally put a name to the feeling. She missed Jack like she missed her mother and father and it had been a very long time since she'd missed anyone that much.
Sam folded the letter carefully and tucked it back into the envelope it'd come in, tucking it away safely in the drawer with all his other letters before she pulled her jacket back on and slipped out of her quarters. She wandered the city quietly, smiling and nodding to the odd person she passed in the halls. It was late and only a skeleton crew was floating around.
She finally ducked out onto one of the more isolated balconies in the city and took a deep breath, closing her eyes as the tang of an alien sea washed over her. She stepped up to the railing, resting her hands on it as she looked down to study the nearly black waters below her before casting her eyes to the stars and taking them all in. Her mind started to do the math, even though she knew it was pointless, and she quickly adjusted herself so she that she was staring in the direction of Earth.
She closed her eyes for a moment and imagined that he was doing the same thing in Washington and suddenly she didn't ache quite so badly.
***
Author's Notes: Based a graphic by txduck on LJ. http://pics.livejournal.com/txduck/pic/0054rqwt
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]