She watched as Woolsey continued talking. A part of her heard the words he was saying, understood them even, but she couldn't process them. The bottom had dropped out of the world, paralyzing her. She felt herself nod and walked out of the room to…where? She got five steps into the hallways beyond the threshold of the Gateroom entrance and simply stopped. Lost.
Gradually she became aware of people standing a respectful distance away. One was reading some files. She could hear the casual flip of the papers in their manila folder but all she saw was the wall. The looming presence blocking most of the hall was more overt in his action. She recognized his silhouette out of the corner of her eye, painfully familiar. They created a solid barrier that warded away curious Airmen
The cases she carried were heavy but the pain in her shoulder felt as distant and surreal as anything else. Her computer was in one case; she never left anywhere without it. She had a few days clothing with her in the other. Nothing else.
She hadn't had time to even clear her desk.
The travel case with her few items of clothing slid from her shoulder and landed on the ground with a muffled thud. The soft sound jolted Sam in her haze, but not out of it completely. The familiar, solid presence stepped lightly around Landry and gently removed the case's strap from her unresisting fingers. There were other footsteps in the hall. Sound was returning to her now and she could barely hear the new person approach. Sam looked at her fingers where they loosely held the strap. They looked thin beside hands rough from a long lifetime of conflict; hands which held her case with calm surety. She followed the fingers then up the arm and finally met Teal'c's eyes.
"I will take these to quarters for you, Samantha."
Sam nodded back as she let go of the case. Teal'c bowed, eyes solemn. He easily hefted the satchel and strode down the hallway. Sam watched him go until he disappeared around the corner. She closed her eyes and listened to the sound of General Landry turning pages in his file, as if he had nowhere else to be at the moment. Gradually she became aware of someone else in the hall. Sam looked over at the new arrival, unsurprised to see who else other than Teal'c had braved Landry's presence and tacit message of "move along, nothing to see here."
Vala wore her hair in pig-tails, held by bands with ridiculous fuzzy pom poms in bright, electric blue. She'd purchased them on a whim during the last shopping trip they'd been on before Sam had departed for her new post. Vala bit her lip and had her hands wrapped in the sleeves of the too-large military issue jacket she'd likely borrowed from either Daniel or Cam and claimed as her own.
Suddenly Vala was hugging her so tightly Sam thought her ribs might actually crack. She was stunned for a moment then relaxed and returned the hug. Her shoulders sagged a little when she stepped back. She could feel the weight of the last five minutes settle fully. Silently, Vala took the computer case from Sam's unresisting grasp, sliding it off Sam's shoulder and carefully pulling it over her own. She smiled, the small genuine one still seldom seen by anyone but SG-1, and gently patted the case. With more of her usual bounce, she turned on her heel and followed Teal'c down the hall.
Sam watched her disappear then squared her shoulders and finally faced Landry. Her old CO held a few files in his crossed arms. He held out a hand and Sam shook it. His eyes and voice were soft when he finally spoke.
"Welcome home Colonel."
.
Numb. She felt numb. And sick. The bottom of her stomach had been left somewhere in the Gateroom and she didn't feel she had the energy to go find it. She felt as if she were in freefall, but the sounds of the SGC continued around her, familiar as her own heartbeat. Unwelcome reality in the unreal situation which made it all that much worse.
She'd just gone through hell for her people, and they were her people now. They'd bled, cried and laughed together. Her command. Her responsibility.
And now it was over. Gone in an instant. Not there anymore. She'd made plans which would never happen. She'd envisioned herself returning to her new home to verbally spar with Rodney, to quiet teas with Teyla and Jennifer, to relaxed conversations with John. All of it ash in the wind. The IOA was removing her after only a year! A Year! Flashes of anger swirled in with the nebulous nausea. It hadn't been perfect, but it had been a damn good year.
"Colonel?"
Sam closed her eyes in a slight wince. "Sorry General, my mind wandered," she admitted to Landry.
Her former Commanding Officer's eyes softened as he leaned back in his chair. They were in one of the on base quarters. The VIP ones. The others were "being renovated" but she didn't buy that. They were drinking coffee, Landry's stack of files forgotten on the table. More accurately Landry was sipping his coffee and Sam was staring through hers. Teyla had introduced her to a spice native to the Pegasus Galaxy that most of the expedition had taken to adding to their cups. It added a subtle exotic flavor. This was fast and instant.
"Look, we both know this is a political move," Landry ventured into the silence, "You know it, I know it." He paused for emphasis. "The Air Force knows it."
Sam smiled tightly. That was of little comfort to her and all of it cold. She'd finally found her place there and they'd taken it. It was true that the IOA had been gunning for the Command position on Atlantis since before Dr. Weir had been selected, but that knowledge didn’t make it feel any less like she'd failed.
"Before you go to the Tok'ra homeworld," Landry began, there's someone who'd like to tell you about your new command."
Sam's head snapped up. Landry dialed the phone on the small table. A new command? But what? Her insides twisted as she thought about who might come to tell her. If it wasn't Landry that meant someone above Landry in the chain of command around the SGC and that only meant one person.
She wondered if he'd known she was being recalled. She wondered when the decision had been made, if he'd been there, what his reaction had been.
"Tell him we're in 27-02," Landry said into the phone.
Sam fought the urge to fidget while they waited. She drank her coffee instead, making a slight face when she found it lukewarm.
"Between you me and the wall," Landry broke the silence and leaned forward slightly. "I think you did a damn fine job."
"Thank you, sir."
The door opened and Sam and Landry stood.
"Jack. It's good to see you," Landry greeted jovially.
"Hank," Jack shook the man's hand then turned dark eyes on Sam. "Carter."
"Sir," she responded with a respectful nod. They were on duty and she'd just been fired. Her personal feelings took a back seat and the soldier she'd been her entire life rose to the fore, assuming command.
There was a moment of awkward silence before Jack indicated the table. "Shall we?"
Sam nodded and retook her seat after Jack and Landry. Jack opened the case he'd been carrying and pulled out several files. He placed them on the table in front of Sam. They had the typical markings for the Stargate Program: top secret, confidential, the familiar chevron logo. But she also noticed the small, understated logo for Groom Lake.
"The Air Force is unhappy with the IOA," Landry began.
"What else is new?" Jack quipped. He arched a too-innocent, questioning brow when Landry gave him a look.
Landry continued with a small roll of his eyes. "We've been fighting over the command of Atlantis for years and they finally maneuvered enough to get it. But this means we have to move you someplace else, Colonel."
Sam nodded once. She folded her hands in her lap and stared at a space on the wall between Jack and Hank. She had been unsuccessful before: Science was about trial and error. She'd taken some rough lessons when she'd co-commanded SG-1, been in charge of the scientists at the SGC, and when she'd started with Atlantis. But she worked damn hard.
She'd fought for her success, well aware of the minority she was and the challenges she faced. She'd set her eyes on the glass ceiling her mom and grandmother had never been able to break, though they'd made cracks. For their daughters, their nieces. For her. She'd wanted it for them as much as she'd wanted it for herself.
But this…this felt like failure. It felt as if her flight or fall had been predicated on her performance alone and she'd reached for the sun and was now plummeting downwards.
She blinked, realizing that she'd once again slipped into woolgathering. Jack and General Landry watched her with concern. They'd been allies and mentors on her climb upwards, like her academy advisor and high-school chemistry teacher. Like her dad had been.
"I'm sorry. Please continue, Sir."
Landry cleared his throat. "Frankly, you're too smart for a lot of positions. And for the Air Force, that's saying something."
"Yes, we are the "Nerd Herd" of the US Military. Or so I have been told. Repeatedly. Usually by the Army." Jack paused. "And the Marines."
Landry sent Jack a quelling look, but Sam knew the quips were for his benefit as much as her own. There was fire in those brown eyes. She'd caught a glimpse of it before she'd focused on the wall. She'd looked away before she could see disappointment.
"Atlanis was the perfect command for you, but that is currently not an option." Landry folded his hands on the table. "So we need to think of something else."
Sam nodded mutely. It was the perfect command except it wasn't. If it had been, if she'd been better, maybe the IOA would have kept her there. Her stomach churned.
"General Schwartz is in agreement though, that this should not become a black mark on your record. You and I both know people will think what they want."
"Yes, Sir." She didn’t know what else to say. She'd tried so hard to do well. Since Woolsey had spoken with her, she'd had this nagging doubt. What if her best wasn't good enough? She'd all but given up forwarding her career in science in order to focus on being a good commanding officer. What if she wasn't cut out to be a commander? What if all those years on SG-1 as second in command had hurt her somehow? Should she have stepped away from one of the finest teachers to venture on her own? Or was she an academic at heart who longed to stay safe in the shadows and learn? Was she kidding herself?
"So this is our plan," Jack broke into her train of thought. He tapped the folder with one long finger. "Right here."
Oh god. They needed a plan for her. Triage for her career since she'd been talented enough to fall on the grenade.
Jack opened the top cover. Sam directed her gaze to the documents bound into the folder and saw the first page was a detailed report on the construction of a new battleship.
Jack's hand hovered over hers for a moment before he withdrew to his side of the table. "Unfortunately The Millennium Falcon and The Enterprise are both out as names, so we decided on Phoenix."
"We'd like you to command her Colonel. Take a look." He gestured at the folder then laced his long fingers together again.
Tentatively, Sam pulled the folder closer. She began to read the specifications on the ship. There were a number of decisions still up for debate and she found herself immediately filling in the blanks. The ship would be armed with the next generation of shields and weapons. It was larger than the Daedalus class cruisers and Sam frowned as she checked the production notes. She wasn't as up to date on the current state of ship construction. There'd been talk of a new class, but last she'd heard it was still theoretical.
"This is the new class?"
"Colonel, the Air Force would like you to oversee the completion of this ship as its commanding officer," Jack informed her formally.
"Yes, Sir," she agreed automatically. She looked from the page to Jack to Landry then back again.
"Sorry, it's a bit of a fixer upper," Jack broke his stern mien, "but I seem to recall you enjoy those types of challenges."
Landry left the two former members of SG-1. Jack saw him out and watched Carter pour over the details of her new command. Jack smiled while she wasn't looking. He'd been pissed when the decision had finally come down just days before the recent chaos in Pegasus. He'd argued that the way she'd handled it spoke to just how much a military commander was a benefit to the expedition, but the IOA had finally won.
The Phoenix would be a good stop for her. Help her build her confidence back. She'd never admit it, but he knew she'd be shaken by this. Intellectually she'd recognize she was the victim of political maneuvering. But one thing Jack had learned was that Carter's heart and head weren't always on the same wavelength.
He'd been anxious to get her the new post ASAP. She relied on structure either by nature of her orderly mind or by training or perhaps a combination of the two. Big things could jar her and set her off kilter. She could adapt and change on the battlefield or in the laboratory where there were rules and procedures to it all, even if only in her head. But those sorts of unexpected changes were worlds different from this. He'd had her new orders cut on record speed, hoping to be able to catch her before she spiraled down too far. In this situation, Sam was too smart and thought too much for her own good. Cut adrift, she would efficiently tear apart and examine everything she'd done in the past year to bring her to this point.
He'd thought about giving her Groom Lake. All of it. Just let her go in and work miracles with the other super-brains they kept there. General McAdams was making sounds about retiring, but that really was a General's billet and Sam was a bit too junior for that. The strides she'd made were visible to anyone who'd met her before and could compare full-bird Carter to Lieutenant Colonel Carter. The difference between Captain Carter and Colonel Carter was staggering. And a bit humbling to someone who'd been part of the process. But she wasn't a General. Yet.
No, giving her Phoenix was the best thing to do because Phoenix was going to be involved in two very important projects in the next couple years.
The first was the rebuilding of Midway. He knew Sam had been consulted on the designs for that, but Dr. Lee was taking the lead there. The man was only slightly better than worthless under-fire but he was a good scientist. Or at least that's what the reports said. Jack personally could only classify the hard science geeks into two categories: Sam's level and everything else. McKay was up there with Sam supposedly. Hailey would get there eventually. Lee wasn't in the same category but he was willing to take the recommendations of people whose job it was to know these things.
Colonel Caldwell would be overseeing the Midway project and eventually taking command of the new Midway station, though he didn't know it yet. Jack anticipated with glee Caldwell's face when he finally told him. Springing promotions on people who deserved it was the absolute best part about flying a desk.
The second project was much more interesting. Code named project "Eclipse", they were building a base on the dark side of the Moon which would become the new shipyard for Earth's growing fleet. Foundations were being laid even now. Groom Lake wasn't large enough to continue terrestrial production now that the other nations were kicking in cash and placing orders - all the while grumbling. Eclipse would solve many problems at once and Phoenix would be a big part of that. The new yards were something Jack was overseeing personally and likely it would be his last project before he retired.
Jack looked over at Sam. The wheels were already turning as she absorbed her new command. The clutch of her hands on the paper was a tiny bit on the desperate side, but it wasn't as bad as he'd expected. Maybe she'd grown up more than he'd realized. She had something to focus on, to escape into, but he knew there should be talking. He hated talking. But needs must and all that. She'd overcome this and rise above it.
Caldwell and Sam would be generals, he had no doubts about that. They were actually tossing Stephen's name around right now. The man certainly deserved it. Yes, Sam would throw off this setback and attack her new challenge and join him soon enough. Mitchell and Sheppard, if the latter could stop nearly getting killed, would be full birds in a few years. Both officers were good men. Jack personally hoped they'd be able to wrest control of Atlantis away from the IOA and be able to stick Sheppard there. Caldwell and Weir both had glowing things to say about Cadman, and Sam had joined the choir singing the praises of Major Lorne who'd been approved to Lt. Colonel. Jack tried to cover a smile on that one. He planned to recall Lorne to Earth and let Sam promote him personally.
The Stargate program would be in good hands when he finally, finally retired.
Jack realized Sam was looking at him. "What?"
"You look pensive."
"Nah, just thinking," he joked.
She rolled her eyes with cheerful insubordination, her funk momentarily lifted. Mission accomplished.
"It wasn't because of anything you did," he reminded her.
She smiled tightly, locking down her emotions, the good little soldier. Jack sat down across from her and pulled out another file from the case. The mining ship that Mitchell and Daniel had acquired about a month ago would be a neat surprise.
"I'd like to tell you a little bit about something we've been kicking around the office," Jack said. "You're going to be helping me out on a project."
"I am?"
"Yep," Jack grinned. "I wanted to call it project "Brain damage", but then I decided if they won't let me have an Enterprise they'd nix that. So meet project Eclipse."
Sam read the first page, got the joke, then groaned. Jack grinned broadly and grabbed her hand. It was easier to show affection when they were in private. Sam smiled sadly and grabbed his hand back. He tugged her out of her seat and pulled her over to the room's small couch, leaving the reports behind on the table.
"I was pissed as hell," he admitted. "I fought for you."
"You did?"
"Yeah, you don't think I would?"
"You weren't happy I was going to Atlantis in the first place."
"General O'Neill was thrilled to see you get the position and do so well in it. Jack on the other hand missed you like hell." He started to bury his face in her neck and stopped when he hit her radio. He removed it, set it down on the end table closest to him, and then nuzzled her neck, breathing her in.
"I missed you too."
"Proud of you."
"Yeah?" her voice was watery and she hated it.
"You may not have noticed, but you kick a great deal of ass."
"I guess I'll be closer to Earth now."
"And I'll be doing a lot of flying," he agreed.
She took a deep breath then let it out, trying to let it all go and accept her new assignment. The Phoenix. Appropriate, perhaps, for her now. Jack's head tilted to the side in silent question. Sam placed her hands on his shoulders and let her forehead rest against his. She wasn't okay but she would be.
~Fin
Story Notes: Catharsis fic in a big way. Thanks to who let me whine at her over IM, and momm2five who beta'd
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]