With a sigh, Samantha Carter hit the play button on her remote, starting her CD player before plopping down onto her couch. Music soon filled the room. Listening to the lyrics, Sam closed her eyes, heaving another heavy sigh.
*Sometimes we act like children, running hand in hand.
Never felt like this before, and I never will again.
Sometimes we cry like babies, and I hold you to my heart.
Just can't stand to see you sad, it tears me all apart.*
Reaching for the remote, she turned the volume up in an attempt to drown out the words in her head and heart. She knew she should be trying to catch up on her sleep, but she'd managed to reach the point where she was so exhausted she couldn't sleep if she wanted to. Sleep would allow her subconscious to the forefront, and right now she was having enough problems dealing with the last three months and the subsequent emotions with her conscious mind.
How could he? She bitterly thought. How dare he have given up on them. Had the last three years meant nothing to him? SG-1 had been like a family, or so she'd thought. Obviously not.
"Thought we had something," she muttered to the empty room. "If nothing more than a friendship, I really thought we had something..."
The brush off had hurt, but seeing him go to Lara had hurt worse. Hearing him ask her to come with him had twisted a knife deep within her heart. Janet had nearly gotten her to admit to feeling she'd been trying to bury for a long time. Feelings which would only lead to her getting hurt, and she'd been right.
*And we're so afraid, and it's such a shame, there's no reason we should doubt it.
And the things we want to say we never said.
And we look away, and it's all okay, and we never talk about it.
It's a shame the way we dance along the edge.*
The lyrics once again filtered through to her. Is that what had happened? Had they danced around each other for two long and now it was too late? Sam mentally asked herself. Have we missed our chance, and there won't to be another? She thought back to all the times she'd wanted to clue him in, make him more aware of her feelings, but she'd played the good soldier, obeyed regulations, and kept her silence. The constant flirting had produced a comfort level, set up barriers which neither had crossed.
*We always seem so careful, always so unsure.
Past mistakes, they make us keep eyes on the door.
When do we stop searching, for what we're searching for?
And when it comes, we question love, and try for more.
And we're happy here and we live in fear.
We've seen a lot of temples crumble, some are flesh and blood.
Love is under glass.*
More excuses, Sam thought. We'd both been hurt before. Why risk being hurt again. He could make me happy, hell, he did... but now he's no longer interested, if he ever was. I could have helped him heal... the lunatic fringe, isn't that what I'm attracted to... and look, I've been flirting with the poster boy.
Happiness. The most elusive of feelings. We've allowed our fears to prevent us from finding happiness with each other. We've each watched our own personal temples fall, and now we're afraid to try and rebuild them.
*Will we come undone?
Will we turn and run?
And will we know it when we find it?
It's a game the way we dance along the edge.*
"It did come undone," she whispered. "We didn't know it, or didn't want to admit it. And in our own ways, we've both run... my God, it was a game... and now the game's over. He's chosen someone else."
*And we'll walk the line, and do our time for just as long as we've been given.
And pretend like we don't hear the things they said.*
"The rumor mill. They've had us sleeping together since that first day. They couldn't be farther from the truth. God, just once couldn't I have said fuck regulations and followed my heart? Stopped thinking and just felt?" she asked the emptyness of her apartment.
*Can we promise love?
Is it all too much?
And do our hearts still believe it?
It's insane the way we dance along the edge.*
Sam reached up and wiped her face, feeling for the first time tears she hadn't realized were falling. "I've screwed up. Brought him home when home for him isn't here anymore. His feelings were obviously the complete opposite of mine. I was just another annoying scientist, someone safe to flirt with, but forget anything more..." She stretched out on the couch, pulling a throw over her. "You're pathetic Samantha Carter. The man obviously doesn't care, and here you are crying over him, still in love with him..."
She reached for the remote again and turned off the CD player, closing her eyes, she allowed depression and exhaustion pull her down into a much needed sleep.
The End.
Story Notes: Author: Fenrisulven
Title: Insanity
Email: midgardsveur@aol.com
Spoilers: 100 Days
Disclaimer: Don't own them. Wish I did. No one's being hurt in this one. Concrete Blonde's Dance Along the Edge used without permission as well.
Synopsis: Sam's thoughts that first night after retrieving Jack from Edora.
Author's notes: Forgive me, it's spell checked, but that's about it. Was reading the lyrics to the Concrete Blonde song Dance Along the Edge. Not even sure if it really makes sense, but Sam's being pretty insistent. I hope you all can look passed any glaring errors and enjoy. The title is bugging me. If anyone has a better suggestiong, I'd love to hear it. :-)
Title: Insanity
Email: midgardsveur@aol.com
Spoilers: 100 Days
Disclaimer: Don't own them. Wish I did. No one's being hurt in this one. Concrete Blonde's Dance Along the Edge used without permission as well.
Synopsis: Sam's thoughts that first night after retrieving Jack from Edora.
Author's notes: Forgive me, it's spell checked, but that's about it. Was reading the lyrics to the Concrete Blonde song Dance Along the Edge. Not even sure if it really makes sense, but Sam's being pretty insistent. I hope you all can look passed any glaring errors and enjoy. The title is bugging me. If anyone has a better suggestiong, I'd love to hear it. :-)
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]