"Ja-ack...c'mon, at least give it a try, please. This is Shakespeare after all," Daniel pleaded.
"Damn it Daniel. Shakespeare and I don't really get along very well."
"Sir, maybe we could do a bachelor auction instead. I would volunteer."
"Not going to happen, Major," the General barked from the first row of seats in the beautiful, old theatre.
SG-1 and some others were asked by the President of the United States himself to perform a play by William Shakespeare, who obviously was his favourite author. The idea behind his proposal was to make the very important and very rich spend their money for an organisation collecting money for children of the third world countries.
Of course, the team couldn't say no and so they tossed Jacob and Janet into their drowning boat. The General couldn't be stopped from doing the direction himself, as well as performing the part of Oberon..the king of the.Fairies.
So, in the midst of summer, on a scorching day, instead of travelling to other worlds and kick some Goa'uld's butt SG-1 was locked inside an old theatre -beautiful as it was with its dark-red velvet seats and carpets- trying hard to get some order into the play.
Jack was forced to do the part of Lysander who was completely in love with the beautiful Hermia, played by Sam, who in return loved him. So far he liked the play. Jacob played Hermia's/Sam's father called Egeus, who wouldn't allow the marriage between the two of them. In fact he was ordering her to marry Demetrius, played by Daniel, who was in love with Sam/ Hermia as well. Of course, Daniel's and Jack's characters hated each other. To make a long story even more complicated, Janet played Helena, who was desperately in love with Daniel also known as Demetrius. The General, as said, performed the part of the King of the Fairies and Teal'c played his right hand Puk.a very funny, goofy character who loves to play tricks on other people.and also.part of the Fairies.
At the very moment, Jack was shouting at Daniel and Daniel was shouting back at Jack. He also hopped up and down to emphasize his arguments, which in turn made Jack grab Daniel's collar.
While the General ordered them to behave themselves and Teal'c stood between them like a wall, Sam tried to sneak behind the stage. Her plan was to rush back to the Mountain, as fast as possible, grab some backpack and dial PZ8-992 - a wonderful planet, which was basically one endless beach.
Unfortunately, Janet didn't know about Sam's plan and so she stopped her to discuss her role.
Jacob just cracked up.
"Daniel, have you ever heard me say something like 'Why seek'st thou me? Could not this make thee know the hate I bare thee made me leave thee so?'.uh?.o for cryin' out loud."
"Jack, don't you understand? He loves her and then wakes up and loves another woman.it's.it's." Daniel stammered.
"Could you get yourself together, please?" the General shouted. "Let's get on with the scene! Major, please."
Sam guiltily crawled out of the curtain she tried to hide herself behind and approached her CO, mumbling some intelligible words.
Daniel and the others left the stage. So only Jack and Sam, obviously very uncomfortable with the situation, stood onstage and stared at their scripts.
"Ehm..uh." Sam started " Uh.well.okay.*cough* ..'Be it so Lysander: find you out a bed, .*cough*. for I upon this bank will rest my head.' " *cough, blush*
*mumble* " 'One turf shall save as pillow for us both;. *cough*. one heart, one. *mumble*. bed, two bosoms, and one troth' " *cough* the Colonel tried his reply.
"Major, Colonel, could you at least try to speak loud enough so that at least the people in the first row could hear you?"
Daniel pondered if the General looked amused or.pissed. "And.Jack..don't hide behind your script," he advised. "You do know that Lysander is trying to seduce her, don't you Jack?"
"So.Jack. do you think it might be a little more realistic if you tried to be a little more.uhm.seducing?"
"I guess that was a yes, Dr. Jackson."
And with a sharp look at his two inferior officers, the General added "Let's try to be more realistic, will you Colonel? And Major.please don't turn your back to him, face him."
"Yes, Sir", the both of them answered in unison.
"This is so ridiculous," Jack whispered, receiving a nod and a let's-try-to-flee-look from Sam.
"You know sir, I'll follow any order you have. Just tell me. I'm sure we can make it out of here, we've escaped worse situations."
"Colonel! Major!" it barked from the front row, accompanied by a giggle.
"Shhhh, Teal'c." Daniel hissed at his big friend. Sometimes he could be such a child.
The audience observed the couple on stage with amusement. The Colonel stood in front of his Major awkwardly, desperately clutching to the script trying to be seductive in a non-seducing way.
"Jaa-ack," Daniel howled. The General shot him a look. It was his task to give orders, not the archaeologists'. He was the director.
Sam took a deep breath. "SirmaybeweshouldtrytobeIdontknowalittlebitmoreflirtativewhatdoyouthink?" she managed to say.
Jack stared at her with wide-opened eyes. "Well.uh.ehm.I.well..okay.so..good.idea..Major." Sometimes he was so proud of his linguistic abilities.
"Okay, let's try a different scene. Dr. Jackson, Dr. Frasier, would you mind?" the General sighed not looking too happy.
While Daniel and Janet entered the stage grinning, Jack and Sam tried to persuade the General that they could do better. Jack emphasized that usually he had no problems with his performance. That it had never happened before. But the General assured him, it didn't matter and it could happen to everybody. Next time he would be better. Sam tried to figure out the content of the conversation and sat down in the seat next to a still giggling Teal'c. Jack wondered why Jacob winked at him.
On stage, Daniel was walking from the left to the right and backwards. Followed by a pleading Janet, literally on her knees, clinging to his left leg.
".I am your spaniel .*drag*. and, Demetrius.*tear*.the more you beat me I will fawn on you. .*shuffle*..Use me but as your spaniel, spurn me, strike me, neglect me, lose me ..*plead*..; only give me leave, unworthy as I am, to follow you..*sob*."
"Tempt not to much the hatred of my spirit; for I am sick when I do look on thee." Daniel threatened down his left leg.
"Ehm.well.very nice Doctors," the General interfered.
Janet stood up, grinning proudly, and then tried to rearrange her ripped tights.
"Ehm, Janet, maybe you should do some iodine on that scratches.," Daniel advised.
"No, I don't think it's that bad."
"You were wonderful, Janet."
*blush* "Thanks so were you. I liked that detesting look in your eyes."
"Thank you, I practiced in front of a mirror and.."
"Thank you Doctors!" the General barked. "Teal'c, would you mind?"
"No, GeneralHammond. But I will need the assistance of ColonelO'Neill and MajorCarter."
"Yes, you are right. Colonel, Major," the General ordered remembering that in this scene Teal'c as Puk had his first encounter with the loving and sleeping couple.
Both stood up and followed Teal'c entering the stage.
"Ehm, sir, would you mind, if Carter and I tried a second time afterwards ? " Jack asked, raising both his eyebrows.
"No, go ahead Colonel," General Hammond sighed.
"Lay down, O'Neill," Teal'c commanded.
He and Sam did as wished and played sleeping beauty.
Approaching Jack, Teal'c pulled something out of his pocket while saying his monologue. "..pretty-soul-she-durst-not-lie-near-this-lack-love-this-kill-courtesy-churl-up on-thy-eyes-I-throw-all-the-power-this-charm-does-owe."
"Ouch FOR CRYING OUT LOUD TEAL'C WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING ARE YOU CRAZY????"
Jack got up in one leap, running offstage for water, covering his left eye. Teal'c watched his friend emotionless and Sam tried to understand what just happened. So she simply stared.
"Uh.What just happened?" Daniel asked, looking at the little bottle in Teal'c's hand.
"Puk takes the juice of a special flower and inserts it into the eye of the sleeping Lysander so that when he awakens he will find himself in love with Helena," Teal'c explained matter-of-fact-like.
"Uhm, Teal'c, first.he does not insert the drops into the eye, he only drops them onto the eye. Second..it's .uhm.a play. What is in that bottle?" Daniel's eyebrows almost touched the ceiling.
"The juice of the plant called.."
"Oh..Holy Hanna." Sam muttered.
"Colonel! Behave yourself! He is an alien how could he have known?" the General shouted as Jack ran after Teal'c threatening to pour the whole bottle into both of Teal'c's eyes and various other body parts.
After 5 minutes Jack calmed down, Teal'c left the stage and Sam stood to face her CO.
She couldn't help it but somehow he didn't look that seductive as he did when he had two eyes, not one swollen eyelid covering his left eye.
But she was determined to find him seducing and he was determined to prove he could do this. Thus they stood in the middle of the stage. Facing each other. Jack grabbed Sam's text and threw it away. His right eye fixed on her, his hands reaching up to hold her face.
He said his lines. He said them out loud. He didn't mumble, he didn't cough, he didn't stammer. Jack was Lysander trying to persuade the woman he loved not just to share her bed but also her body with him.
As he finished his lines, Sam managed to say hers. No she wouldn't do it. She'd stay in her bed. He'd have to find another one. No, he can't have her body. Yadda. Sam trembled under his touch and under the intense look of his eye.
Jack said his next line and took one step closer to her. He wanted to convince her. He wanted to make her spend the night with him. Lysander melted into Jack, Hermia melted into Sam and Jack and Sam melted into each other as their lips met and his tongue entered her to present his best convincing argument. Sam moaned and pressed herself closer. Jack buried his left hand in her hair while his right found its way to her lower back. Sam lifted her left leg and slung it around his thigh.
As they broke apart, she gasped an "Okay" accompanied by a shrug of her shoulders and started to emphasize her agreement with a further tongue battle as Jacob darted onstage and grabbed his daughters collar.
The next minutes were full of "what the hell do you think you are doing"-s, stammerings, insultings, threatenigs and chasings. Daniel, Janet, Teal'c and the General interfered, making aware that the play actually does not have a kiss in it and that trying to stab Jack with a rubber sword wouldn't work anyway so there was no need in proceeding. Sam declared she was a grown up woman and that she could kiss whoever she wanted to kiss and grabbed for the nearest standing person to demonstrate this to her father. So, Teal'c started to giggle again. The General considered the possibility that his team must have been infected by an alien virus and so considered putting a quarantine over the whole theatre. Closing his eyes, he wished all this to be a dream. Yet, opening them again he still found himself in the middle of a crowd full of crazy people, yelling and throwing things at each other.
Quietly the General turned around and left the stage. He remembered one very nice planet, which was basically on endless beach. Somehow that thought provided a warm felling inside his chest.
He sighed and didn't turn back once.