"In the dream its Carter and she's kneeling beside me and helping me sit up. She's got my face in her hands willing me to look at her. She's pleading with me and I think she might be crying. I can't hear what she's saying but it's always the same dream. But right when I really focus on her, she has this look on her face and I can't tell what it is. It's like she's apologizing and then she's gone and that's about the time I wake up."
Throughout the confession, Jack paced the length of the office. Dr. Kate Lewis sat in her chair opposite the empty couch, following his every move, his every fidget.
"Interesting," she finally said, breaking the silence that had descended around her patient.
"Yeah," was his only response as he picked up another trinket from her bookshelf. Out of all the psych doctors he'd been to throughout his career, he liked her gadgets and trinkets the best.
"What do you think it means?" Dr. Lewis asked without trying to sound like a typical psych doctor. She knew she had to ask but she also knew Jack O'Neill and how it was like pulling teeth to get him to talk.
"I don't know, you're the shrink," he shrugged, placing the trinket back on the shelf and now taking his standard pose with hands in pockets.
She was sure that boyish charm had helped him out of many a tight spot but today it wasn't going to work, "I'm curious what you think it means."
"I don't know," he said with another shrug.
"I think you do."
"I'm not as smart as people say I am."
And there it was, the humor she'd been waiting for. "So let's say you have a brief moment of divine insight, what would you say it meant?"
He paused, looked around the air as if waiting for the idea, "Nope, still nothing."
He glanced at his watch, then at the door, then back at Dr. Lewis as she scribbled down more notes. He had to admit that for a shrink, she wasn't all that bad. This one seemed to take it all with a grain of salt and didn't seem to want to be so quick to put him in the nuthouse, not that he wouldn't mind the break.
"Colonel…Jack…She's your second in command and she figures prominently in the dream. From what I've heard, she's saved you butt a few times."
"Yeah, I think I've lost count."
Somehow she doubted that.
"But she couldn't save you this time."
"She did save me."
"Did she?"
"Yeah. Another one of her brilliant ideas she pulled out of her…head," he smiled at Dr. Lewis. She knew what he was about to say and she returned a knowing smile. There was a certain charm about Jack O'Neill that she couldn't deny. If she didn't have a loving husband and two wonderful kids, she might've fallen under his spell.
She continued, "But in the dream she leaves you."
He continued to pace around her office, reading all the little letters after her name on her diploma.`Probably a lot like Carter's' he thought. "She doesn't walk away or anything…she disappears, just sort of fades away."
Dr. Lewis made a few more notes before continuing her line of questioning, "Why are you so concerned with this dream?"
"I thought you guys love this stuff," he smiled at her then turned back around to continue his walking and fidgeting.
"So you just told me about the dream so you could take up an hour, say you talked and then be on your way?"
"You're good," he said as he picked up the simple rock lying on the side table near the couch.
"But the dream is keeping you up at night."
This caught his attention and he stopped to face her, "I never said that."
"Hey, I'm good," she smiled.
Jack smiled at that himself. He had to give her credit. Maybe it was just that `women's intuition' stuff. But then he sobered when he realized she was serious.
He glanced at his watch again. Another 15 minutes. Damn. He rolled the rock around in hand, "It's stupid. It's just a dream and I don't think it means anything." He could keep this up for another 15 minutes.
"Carter didn't save you."
"Yes she did."
"She just sent some information out to Yu and hoped he might attack."
"And it worked."
"But she didn't know that."
"We take chances like that all the time."
"But not after you were repeatedly tortured."
He was practically in her face now. "I don't know what you're driving at but I don't appreciate you implying that Carter was just sitting around on her ass."
"I never said that," Dr, Lewis said calmly.
Jack backed off, "Well, she wasn't. She saved me again."
"She does that a lot."
He looked down at the rock he was still holding. He was gripping it tightly. "Yeah."
"She saved you."
If she hadn't been so focused on listening, she might not have heard him, "More than you'll know."
"But she left…in the dream."
"She didn't want to."
"No, she didn't."
Jack glanced at his watch again, noting that the session was over. "Are we done?" he asked.
"One more question."
"Better make it a good one."
"You mentioned Daniel helping you through this but he wasn't the only one, was he?"
Jack thought for a moment, wondering how much he wanted to reveal, "No."
"She was there."
"Yeah."
"Not physically."
"No."
"Sort of in spirit."
"Yeah."
"And the spirit fades, only so much it can do," she paused for a second to see what it revealed. He was waiting so she continued, "And your afraid she will fade out of your life…that she won't be there to save you when it really counts."
Jack took a long time to think that over. He knew it was the truth but he wasn't sure how much he was ready to accept. He looked down again and nodded, "Yeah."
Dr. Lewis watched her patient as he let the weight of the admission sink in. She could see the subtle changes in his face, his eyes narrowing, his jaws clenching, the deep intake of breath before he found his footing again and looked up at her.
"I think we're done here, Jack."
He watched her for a few seconds, trying to read her. She gave him a small reassuring smile that answered his question; he wouldn't need to come back.
His fear had been brought out into the open and given a voice and now it was up to him. He realized he would just have to trust Carter like he always had. That when it came to saving him, even from himself, she would be there. She would always be there.
the end
Story Notes: To Suz for her constant nagging, um...encouragement, yeah that's it, encouragement.
DISCLAIMER: All publicly recognisable characters, settings, etc, are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plots are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended. ... [ read more ]