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Story Notes: Spoilers- None/But takes place between 100 Days and the beginning of Nemesis

Author's note- 2/3 sequel to "Prisoner Within Her Own Heart" and prequel to "Pardoned By Hope" Thanks to Wendy G. for suggesting I continue with this little mini series. And most especially, thanks to Vicky for being my beta reader.

Copyright- Emry Wild 10/02.


Weeks had gone by since the fated rescue of her commanding office. And as the dutiful soldier, she had remained in control, had done her duty and performed without exception. She had skillfully deceived everyone during each new mission and each task that consumed her waking hours. Determined to show no one and fooling only herself; she masked her emotions and carried on with irreverence to her soul.

But as time always does, it came crashing down upon her. It pulled her into its clutches and forced her to face the inevitability of her inner self and the reality of her heart. Emotion was no longer something she could turn away from; it was no longer something she could continue to use to deceive herself.

She had collapsed by the door as she walked into her home, no longer able to fight the fatigue that had plagued her and manipulated her every waking moment. Her mind unable to face another step, move another muscle. She sat staring into the darkness of her lonely home. She sat there trying not to fight and yet fighting her need to let go of the pain that was consuming her.

Sitting helplessly on the floor she struggled with thought after thought. She had assumed she was at this point because she had almost lost him. She had almost lost her commanding officer, her friend, the one she turned to when she was in need, her professional mentor and role model. He was the best of the best and to be able to work where she did, and to be able to work with him, came great prestige as well as great sacrifice.

Honor and duty was the making of a good soldier, and that was what she was. Her emotions weren't allowed and especially not now. She forgot however, she forgot her heart and that part of her that was a woman and a human being. She forgot that she had the same rights as all living breathing life forms, and that those rights included her feelings.

As she stared into the darkness, it showed her something...something that she never would have seen in the light of day.

Her breath became deep and uncontrolled as her deepest desire came flooding to the forefront. The realization that she wasn't grieving because she almost lost him turned and crushed her stomach into a tight ball. Heaving breaths and whispered gasps escaped her throat as the realization tried to release itself into the dark.

A single tear fell upon her hand, and as she looked down at the warm liquid rolling across her fingers, she closed her eyes and curled back into the corner of the room. She no longer had the strength to hold it in; she no longer had the need to wear her mask of self destruction. She finally let go....

Tears coursed their way down her cheeks and onto her clothing, seeping deep into the weave of the fabric. A soft moan searched for its way from her chest and into her throat before finally escaping into the darkness of the room. She forced herself to take in a deep breath and then tried desperately to hold it in -- as if that would stop the flood of tears and as if that would stop the pain that screamed to be released. But the pain and inner conflict, the realizations and the possibilities finally won their war over her and she relented with her tormented screams into the dark.

She didn't remember moving from the cold floor and the dark room of her house into her bedroom, but somehow she got there, somehow she was now resting on her bed. The morning light began to enter through her window and pale red shadows caressed the boundaries of the walls. A peaceful glow emanated its way throughout the room leaving her with a feeling of security and an assurance that she had not felt in quite sometime.

As she continued watching the rising of the sun, the memory of the night came back to her. She remembered the pain, the heart wrenching tears, labored breathing and her screams into the darkness. But more importantly she remembered her feelings - her feelings for him -- and her acceptance of them within the dark.

The softest of smiles caressed her face. Her eyes brightened and she felt a gentle gift of peace upon her heart.




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