Bullet holes never really heal. There’s always a scar on the skin, a faint pucker. And underneath it, you can feel a hard knob of scar tissue. And it will always ache, and in bad weather it will hurt, and that muscle will never be as strong again.
I’ve got so many scars now. Bullet holes. Staff weapon blasts. Broken bones. A leg that broke and froze, and now will not work right in winter. A back that aches. Knees that threaten not to carry me any more.
I remember when I was invincible. I bled. I hurt. I got hit. And I got back on my feet and carried on as before. Much as she does, now. And it was still like that, for a while. Despite the grey hair, I was still invincible.
But the scars ache all the time now, and I cannot run as fast as I could, and I’m always afraid my knee will give way, and I am so tired. Especially now. After Ba’al.
After Daniel.
And retirement, far from being the ‘running-away’ option, seems like a well-deserved rest. When I can’t keep up with Teal’c, when I look towards Daniel and find Jonas instead, when my leg hurts so much I thump it in frustration, when getting up at 5 am is just too much of a chore, I think ‘I’m going to retire. Tomorrow, I’m retiring.’
And I walk in in the morning, fully prepared to quit. I’m walking towards General Hammond’s office.
But her lab is in between the entrance and the office. And she look up as I pass, and smiles, and offers me coffee, and I walk in there, and sit down, and listen to her, and I know I’ll never retire. Not because I’m afraid that I’ll retire, and kiss her, and she’ll turn me down. We both know we’re past that. We both know we love each other now. And not because I don’t like the idea of passing her care onto someone else. She’s good enough to take command of SG1 now. While I was ..away…she did a pretty good job of my job. And I’ve seen how she takes Daniel’s place now. She could take over my work so easily.
No, that’s not why I won’t quit. It’s because I can’t bear not to be here with her. To miss that sudden light in her eyes when she makes a discovery. To not stand proudly by her side as she shows off to Teal’c’s jaffa just how damn good she really is with a gun. To not look up, and see her smiling at me, her eyes glinting as we share a very private joke. To not be beside her, protecting her, her protecting me. To not be there, as she discovers and saves the universe. To not sit in her lab, listening to her, drinking her coffee, watching the light play on her face. I couldn’t bear to lose all this.
You see, I know she’d be in my home, in my bed, when she comes home, if I left. But its here that she comes alive. Here where her passion lies, here where her future is. And although I know she loves me, this is where she belongs. And I can’t bear the thought of leaving her here, with young, unscarred men, watching her, understanding her, while I wait at home.
So no, no retirement. Not today.
Not while she’s here, waiting for me.
Story Notes: Well, this is vaguely depressing.
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