samandjack.net

Story Notes: This is an answer to an exercise, given by the SG-1 Writers Guild I'm in. It simply said: "Use the following quote as the basis for a short two or three page story: The morse bitter remorse is for the sins that we did not commit." So, I did. I searched my mind and this was one thing that came out of the abyss. I thought it might do as a story for itself, so here it is.

Thanks to Sam for the wonderful beta.

FEEDBACK: Pleeeeeaaaaaseeeee!

© Jennifer Renner 2002


"The most bitter remorse is for the sins we did not commit."

~*~

He told me he loved me.

And I ran away.

I remember the first time he told me about his true feelings as if it was only just one minute ago. I still can see his face and hear his voive as he states, barely to hear:

"I love you."

I felt as if he'd slapped me in my face and my eyes filled with tears,yet it didn't hurt. It took my breath away but I knew I needed it to live.

He sat silently in the driver's seat of his car, hands grabbing the steering wheel for support, eyes fixed on an invisible point outside of his doorwindow. I thought he'd regret saying it.

So I nooded and said: "Yes."

Then I ran away.

I opened the door and got out as fast as possible, slamming it shut behind me and without looking back fled into the safe loneliness of my house.

Leaning my back against the front door in the calming darkness of my entrance hall I cried, hearing the three tender words in my head over and over again, haunting me forever like a curse. "I love you."

The following days, weeks, we never talked about it, managed to pretend it never happened. Just a side effect of losing Daniel, understandable; it will pass.

Soon.

Time passed and we got back to normal. Almost.

After the Zatarc- mess we could pretend to live with knowing the truth and not acting on it.

This time, we managed to pretend that we could live with pretending we could live with it. Yeah, I know.

We went on missions, we fought battles. But I always felt my heart cramp whenever he looked at me. His eyes told our story but he never mentioned it again.

Not until he was injured so bad he thought he had to die. We all, including Janet, were sure this time he would lose.

One evening he asked me to sit by his side a little while at his infirmary bed. He often lost consciousness and one could have thought I had learned from similar situations not to waste precious time. But as it shows, I didn't.

He managed to stay awake for some minutes, shaken by his high fever. He fixed his pleading eyes on me and whispered: "When I told you I love you I was honest...That'll never change." I nodded again, my soul a battlefield and my body lost. I squeezed his hand. "I know," was all I could force out of my mouth. "I undertsand why you.left.," he breathed, his face showing how much effort it took him to stay conscious. His eyes asking me to tell him I loved him, too.

I stared at him, knowing what I wanted to say so badly but I couldn't. He fell unconscious again.

After many weeks he fully recovered. He defeated death once again. Janet said it was a miracle. I don't know. I wanted to talk to him, but we had no occasion. Another attack by aliens, another secret misson for the Tok'ra and I almost forgot the feelings I had as I sat at his sick-bed, fearing every rising of his chest would be his last. Back then, I needed to tell him, not wasting one single thought at the "but" 's.

We were close, we were alright. Again I had run away from him, this time unconsciously.

One day we got a message from a planet I buried long ago deep inside of me. Laira's homeworld.

They said she wanted to visit us.him. That she had important news. Jack's face was unintelligible. If he was happy, he didn't show it. I felt jealousy swallowing me from inside, as the Stargate opened.

She didn't come alone.

With her was a little girl, about five years old, brown curly hair and black, intelligent eyes. The eyes of her father.

As Jack went to greet Laira with an embrace I almost choked, realizing what happened. And what was about to happen.

They stood on the ramp, looking into each others eyes. As the Stargate shot down, Jack knelt down in front of the girl -his daughter- and smiled at her unsure, anxious, dreading her reaction but needing to hold her in his arms. She did the first step and as I heard her ask in a shy little voice "Are you my Daddy?" I turned around and ran again. I couldn't stand hearing him answer "Yeah. I guess I am.", holding her tight as she hugged him.

I fled like a wounded animal and shut myself in my lab. I lost him. I knew, if I hadn't lost him for real, I had lost at least a part of him. A part I wanted to make happy myself.

The events followed each other logically. Only days after Laira's visit, Jack came to me to tell me he'd leave. That he had nothing left to keep him on Earth because his daughter wasn't here.

I wished him luck, too proud to beg him to stay. Too hurt to forgive him he'd slept with her years ago while I was torturing myself to bring him home. He stared at me, his face showing no emotions; his eyes betraying him, begging me to make him stay for I always was the only person in his life he truly loved. But I couldn't. I had buried myself too deep inside an official, professional version of me. And so I said goodbye.

These days I often ask myself how he is. I detest myself for what I did -and especially what I did not.

I live a life I never wanted to live with a husband I honestly don't know. Don't love. The man I love haunts me every night in my sleep. He's telling me he loves me and then he turns around and leaves. His face is cold, dead and my heart breaks each time anew.

I hope I'll never stop feeling this hurt because it's the only thing that's left from him. Teal'c once said he heard Jack got another son and that he claims to be happy. He doesn't believe it. I do.

It's too late to go after him to tell him I love him, that he's making me complete.

It's two I love you's too late.

~Fin~




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