Resurrection by Jennifer Renner

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Story Notes: My way of dealing with Daniel's absence (miss him so much-although I've seen only 1 ep without him so far). Future story (3 years after Meridian), everything gets soooo happy it's almost unbearable but be warned, I implied some nasty stuff. And sorry about the title. I sooo suck at giving titles. I know there have been stories named like this and I really do not intend to copy! I'm just totally unable to think of something unique. Sorry.

For Sam, I'll keep my fingers crossed. And thanks so much for the beta!

FEEDBACK: Yes, very welcomed!

Â© Jennifer Renner 2002

I've known them for years. For five long years they've been my home, my family. I remember my life before the SGC, and I remember it wasn't really extraordinary. I was just a linguist/archaeologist/anthropologist who did jobs at university, digs and tried to proove his theories about who built the pyramids. I remember my past with Sara and the fun we had. I remember my parents and how their death killed a part of me. I can still see me walking up and down my apartment, rehearsing my lecture that I was so sure would change my life.

I really had now idea how it would change my life.

I'm glad it did. Really, it was the best that could have happened to me. I found my true love. Sha're will always be in my heart, no matter where I'll go or with whom. Yet, that doesn't mean that I couldn't love somebody else.

True, I have to admit, I lost a lot. I lost said true love, and again a part of me went cold and died. But I'm still alive, aren't I?

Well, sort of.

I know I've changed a lot. And I don't mean that I ascended to a higher state of existence, in which I don't need to eat, drink or pee. Though I sometimes miss having a body. I mean I have one, but not like the way it used to be. Understood? No? Me neither. It's kind of strange, but I'm losing my point.

What I wanted to say is, that I changed in another aspect. As I met Colonel Jack O'Neill the first time and probably during the first months, maybe year, of finding Sha're, I was ..naïve maybe? When I look back at old photographs of me with long hair, I always wait for the eggshells to fall down from behind my ears. I was so full of enthusiasm and hope. I did so believe in the goodness of all beings -not the Gua'uld, of course- that I was ready to jump out of a hiding place even when the scenery in front of me looked exactly like a trap. It just didn't matter. I only wanted to learn and make the others, my team, learn, too.

Over the years, I learned. But not what I anticipated to learn. I became the soldier I never planned to become. I killed hundreds of Jaffa -men like Teal'c and I didn't even doubt they might change their mind like my huge friend once did. Shoot first, ask later. Of course, I managed to calm some situations down but nevertheless. I killed people. And techno-bugs, but they deserved it.

In the end, whatever I did, I lost. I couldn't make a difference, really. I mean, I know we saved a lot of people, but the war with the Gua'uld is still fought.

I lost. Friends, lovers and my life. Each, several times. I wonder why I didn't break apart, maybe I'm stronger than I thought.

And I know my friends like me. Even Jack said he somehow came to admire me. That's a lot to hear from the old flyboy. I never thought we'd become so close, although in the end it seemed to me we all alienated a little from each other.

And then I died. Ascended. Whatever. I left. Didn't know where to, but I knew I had to do this. It broke my heart, again, to see them grief for me. I love them. All of them. Even Jack.

We met again after a little while, and though they don't know it, I always kept an eye on them. To make sure they were okay. They managed surprisingly good without me, no honestly, they are a great team.

But now, as I watch them after being away for.I'm not quite sure, time doesn't really play an important role up here, but I guess it's been 3 years..they seem so far apart from each other, it hurts.

Cassie's grown a lot. The rest look like themselves. But I see it from their behaviour that something isn't right. I can't fight the thought that I really missed something important.

They are all at the base. Working at something. Janet is taking care of some airman. She looks good with her short hair. Sam is in her lab. I see, she found a new doohickey with a lot of wires and lights and stuff to make it really look important and complicated.

Teal'c is in kellno'reem and Jack? Ah, in the comissary eating frootloops. Thought so.

"Hi Jack." Ups, shouldn't have done that. Eek, he spat it all over the table, poor airman in front of him. Sorry.

"Remember, only you can see me." I remind him as I see he wants to bark at me.

"Sorry airman. I..go and .sorry." He stands up, baffled and throwing the stunned soldier an apologising look.

I follow him and can't stop grinning. In his lab he finally allows himself to shout at me. What the hell that was supposed to mean, why I did that and so on. Yeah, I know Jack. Sorry.

Finally he gives up. "It's been a while."

"Yeah," I sigh. I look at him. He looks older, his hair is greyer but that's not what strikes me. It's his eyes. They look tired.

He plunks himself down in his chair at his desk and studies me.

"You haven't changed, Dannyboy."

I wish he would stop calling me that. Instead of telling him so I go for: "But you have, Jack." I stand there, burying my hands in my pockets like he always did, watching him with a frown. "What happened to you?"

I ask that carefully but he snaps at me "Why, that's why you're here? Daniel, you left three years ago. That's a long time. Things happen."

So I was right. Three years and I almost don't recognize my family.

~*~

"Jack, I'll visit you at home, okay? You shouldn't talk to me on base. The videocamera probably shouldn't record you yelling at nothing. I'll be back." With that I leave, but I can still hear him shout after me: "But I don't want to open my eyes in the shower to find you standing there!"

I can assure him, that won't happen. He's not a certain woman I'd rather surprise like that.

But we all know I wouldn't, right?!

So I stroll through the familiar corridors. It seems to be a quiet day, from time to time a SG team returns, all in good health. So I decide to step by at Teal'cs quarters. I love it when he kelnoree'ms. It's so peaceful. He taught it to me, years ago. I wonder if I can still do it the way I am at the moment.

His quarters haven't changed at all. Still the way they were originally furnished, nothing personal. Well, maybe you could say that his Television and thusands of candles might be personal stuff. I wonder why the fire alarm had never set alarm with all that stuff he burns in here. Maybe it has and I missed it. Would be sad, because it might be hilarious to see them evacuate the base just because of some hundreds of candles happily burning around a kelnoree'ming Jaffa.

I sit down in front of him and watch. Suddenly his eyes dart open and he looks at me, though he doesn't actually see me. I don't want to surprise him by suddenly puffing into visible. I missed my big friend. Ah, there, he relaxes again and shuts his eyes. Mh, let's see if I can kelnoree'm, too.

It didn't take me long to find out, I couldn't actually kelnoree'm. Well, I could've thought of that. It might be a little difficult to free your spirit from your body and loosen up if you don't have a body but are only spirit.

I sigh and reappear in Sam's dim lab, only to find her still fiddling with some wires. She looks pale and worried. What happened to you, huh? She swears and rests her head in her hands.

"Hey, Sam. Why don't you take a break, huh?" It's Janet. She smiles at Sam who looks up at her, tired.

"Yeah, just one more hour, Janet. I promise."

I can see her nod. "Why don't you come over? Cassie's gone out with her boyfriend. We could watch a nice movie, have some wine." She smiles encouragingly and all she earns is a exhausted little smile from Sam.

"Uhm, don't know, Janet. I'm really tired, you know. I guess I should take some rest."

Janet seems satisfied with that, nods and says goodbye. Sam concentrates at the mess of wires and metal in front of her that just a little while ago was a blinking and beeping doohickey of some importance. Now it looks just as if Jack had tried to built something MacGyver-like.

I watch Janet leave and can see she stops briefly in the doorframe to look back at Sam. She's concerned. I'm sure she knows what happened.

I'll first visit Jack and ask him. But I'm sure he won't tell me anything so I'll probably step by at Janets. I need her to help me with something anyway.

I look one last time at Sam, regretting that I can't hug her for comfort and then leave as well.

~*~

Okay, I messed that up again. I really tried to find a room where Jack wasn't in. So I choose the kitchen and as I was sure I was alone, made myself visible. Then my plan was to call his name and to announce my presence. Problem was, the very minute I became visible, just a nano-second before I wanted to call him, he stepped into the kitchen, whistling to himself, in his right hand a dish with some food. Ups. It wasn't my intention, really. And, no, I can't help you clean the floor, Jack, because remember, I can walk through things, no matter how dense. It's hard enough not to fall/vanish through the floor and find myself in the middle of the planet.

So after the floor looks nice again and Jack calmed himself down, we stroll into his living-room and sit down.

He actually offers me a beer which I refuse with a sigh.

So we sit. He in his chair in front of the terasse window, I on the couch. A painful remainder of a similar situation, when I came here to ask him why he retired. He sips his beer, like he did back then.

"You are uncomfortable." I simply state, frowning again. I really should stop that soon, makes too many wrinkles.

He shrugs his shoulders. "You know, Daniel, it was kinda hard to learn you're not there anymore. Not that I missed your constant babble and O-please-Jack-that-are-friendly-natives-and-this-time-I'm-really-sure-and-ooooh-loook-artefact-yadda." He takes a deep breath and looks down to the floor. "I missed you," I say to him and he looks up, surprised. What, I'm on a higher level of existence, I know what is important in life. It's that sort of things. He gulps down his beer, stands up and flees into the kitchen to get another one. As he comes back he seems more relaxed and so I ask him, trying to sound not too concerned: "So, what did I miss?" He obviously thinks about it, as he fiddles with the bottle and slowly rips the paper off. "Well, ya know. We made new friends, kicked some butts and saved Thor's race from the techno-bugs." So, that was informative. I sigh and realise this wasn't going to be easy.

~*~

He yawns. Again. I didn't say anything, really! "You are tired," I tell him. He agrees. "We came back just this morning from a 2 weeks mission to establish realtionships with some technically advanced people. They had a feast almost every night and we couldn't refuse an invitation because they feasted on us." That wasn't what I meant but I let it go. He has to sleep and so I tell him I'll leave. "So, you just came here to say hello and then vanish to wherever you guys vanish and will not come back until the next big catastrophe one of us is in?" He looks at me accusingly. "No, Jack. Not this time." He is surprised but I won't tell him. Not yet. I first have to find out, what happened.

I wave and vanish.

~*~

And appear in Janet's living room. Hey, she has a new couch. Nice. I wonder if she's asleep, what time is it anyway?

Oh, here she is. She appears on top of the stairs and I call her, before she spots me and falls down. I'm not gonna risk that.

"Daniel???" She gasps at me with wiiiiide open eyes.

"Hi." I smile as if it was the most natural thing for me to appear in her house after years of being..sort of dead.

She doesn't move, just stares and that makes me a little uncomfortable and so I do what I can do best. I talk.

"Uh, I hope I don't disturb you." I study her. She wears casual clothes (rather tight T-shirt and jogging pants), no make-up or shoes and she's cute when she doesn't know what to do. "I was just visiting Jack. He doesn't look too good, as well as Sam. So I thought, I might step by, say hello, ask you how you are and if you could fill me in on what I missed." I shrug my shoulders.

Ah, she dares to come down the stairs and finally, there she is, standing in front of me. Hi, Janet. She looks me up and down and up again to study my face. "You haven't changed much, Daniel." She is disbelieving, distant. Can't blame her. She went on with her life. "Yeah." I smile at her, trying to loosen her up. Instead she reaches out a hand and sticks it right through where she can see my chest, which of course isn't there, but I so hate when people are doing that. "Okay, so you are here. Why? How?" She wants her answers first before I get mine, so be it.

I tell her my story as we walk into the living room. Her couch looks comfortable, but I can't feel it, so I'm just guessing, but the way she curls up on it, seems like a proof. I tell her that I checked out on them from time to time, just to make sure they were okay. She asks me if I was a guardian angel now and that makes me laugh. No, I tell her, I'm not.

"Something happened, Janet, but I don't know what. I can only guess it must be bad." I'm concerned and I let her see it. She, too, looks sad for a moment and nods. "Yeah, something happened, Daniel, but I won't tell you. I can't." And then she looks up and adds. "Even if I wanted to." I nod. "You look good." I mumble. Yeah, I mumble. And I smile shyly. Oh, is that a blush? "Thanks. Uhm, so do you." She answers puzzled. I wish I could take her hand and squeeze it. "How have you been?" I ask, to relax the situation. She rolls her eyes. "Busy, Daniel. You can't believe what different kind of deseases the teams find on those planets." She shakes her head in memory of some events. "I thought, it was always you finding the most dangerous situations, but I was wrong." We laugh at that although it isn't really funny.

I wonder if she missed me. "It's good to see you again, Daniel." That answers my question. I tell her the same and then we start to talk about Cassie. Janet tells me that she is engaged and that she doesn't approve of it. "Could you maybe use your power or whatever you have to find out if Sean is good for her?" I smile and tell her that she would know as a Mom if he wasn't good for her daughter and add, as she is smiling proudly at my compliment, that I probably couldn't do more than her when I was human again.

~*~

She just stares at me. "How do you mean- human?" "Well, like you and all the other humans." I raise my eyebrows and as I see she doesn't understand how this should happen I make the decision to explain it to her. "Okay, Janet. I learned, that I couldn't do anything up there." I wave my hand into direction of the ceiling. Although it doesn't quite show the place I was at, she nods. So I continue, drawing in some breath. "I want to come back. Descend. To make a difference. Here. I ..look, you seem to have changed so much, you all treat each other like strangers. I don't know why, but I want to help. You don't want to tell me what happened. But maybe ..I don't know." I sigh. "I feel alone."

Janet looks at me and tries to hold my hand but hers goes right through mine and lands on the couch. She frowns and says. "I don't think you can help it, Daniel. Unless you can change the past and I think that's impossible even for you." She slowly draws her hand back, enfolding it with her other in her lab. Her eyes resting on them. "But it would be good, to have you back." She finally looks up and looks me straight into the eyes. I press my lips together and hold her gaze. I remember how she suffered that she couldn't help me as everybody thought I was going to die of radiation. I remember that I didn't hesitate leaving her. I ignored what had happened with us. Now, I see us again, standing in one of the corridors on the base. I'm holding her hand, telling her that I would be there for her no matter what happens to her daughter.

I make my decision, although I don't know what will become of me, being human again. I'm willing to take that risk. I also don't know if she sees someone, if I'll get a job or if my friends, my family want me back. All I know is that I want to try it, to give us all a chance.

"Janet, I need you to help me." I would have asked Sam, because I know she had done it before, but I don't think it would be good for her.

She nods and so I explain her what to do. Just open up, relax, trust me. It won't hurt you.

Then Janet stands up and I follow her. We stand face to face. I have to admit I'm a bit nervous. I don't know how this will feel or if it works out. I see her closing her eyes and relaxing. She trusts me and so I trust her. I close my eyes as well and change into my white light state of being. I approach her and slowly melt into her. Oh my god, this is...

~*~

Hello, what happened? Ah, I remember. Janet and I became one and that's exactly how it felt. She was in me and I was in her. That probably sounds dirtier than it is but it is all very innocent. I swear. I feel myself lying on the floor and see Janet sitting at my side, staring down on me. "Hi." I say and then I realize it. I feel myself lying on the floor. On my back. I quickly check that I'm not naked and as I realize I'm not I slowly raise into a sitting position. Janet looks concerned and she starts touching me all over. She's a doctor. That's in her nature. Whoa. Mhhhh, that is not a doctors usual behaviour. But, as I said.whoa that feels so good, gonna stop thinking for a while ..just as long as she kisses me.

Air!!!! Breathe. "Uhm, I'm sorry, Daniel, that was .uhm." Yes, couldn't have said it better. "I'm happy being back, too." I grin a smug grin. We are still on the floor, but at the moment Janet is sitting on top of me, smiling irritated. Ah, she gets up. Wanna follow. "Janet, you okay?" Ups, gonna have to learn to walk again, I guess. "Yes, but you don't seem to be." Ah, doctor-mode again. And she tries to support me. I assure her I'm fine and then give in into the sensation of having a body. I sit down on the couch and realize how smooth it is. It is very comfortable and under my touch it almost feels like velvet which it isn't, but that doesn't matter. Next thing I feel, is Janets hand on my hand, her skin on mine. Her warmth floads over to me and I smell her scent. Sweet, smells like apple or something similar. I'm out of training. Then I hear my stomach rumble. It demands some food and Janet must have heard it, too, because with a jump she heads in direction of the kitchen. I follow her, still a bit clumsy, to see what she's doing.

I stop in the doorframe and watch her rumble through cupbords, drawers and the fridge. She's placing food, pans and pots on the stove and tells me she's cooking me something delicious. I thank her, and I'm sure it doesn't really matter what exactly she'd do, it would taste like heaven because only the scent of the food makes my mouth water. Great, now I sound like a dog, but you have to understand, I haven't smelled or tasted or touched thinks in years. It's pretty amazing because I never paid much attention to my senses before (well maybe sight and taste often impressed me a lot, I admit).

Half an hour later I find myself sitting at her kittchen table, munching, -okay- goggling down the meal she cooked for me (something with vegetables and chicken. Didn't pay much attention) and it's sooo delicious. She smiles broadly and proudly at me, very satisfied that I eat something and reminds me to eat slowly. Yeah, whatever. I'm hungry. Mhhhh, good.

Then I help her clean up and stroll back to my new favourite couch. I sit down with a heavy sigh and close my eyes briefly. That feels good. I feel the couch softly move and know she sits beside me. I can actually feel her eyes on me. So I open mine and move my head to watch her. But I keep it lying on the back, because I'm too tired to lift it up. She must recognize it and offers "You can stay here, if you want to. As long as you haven't a place of your own." Mh, haven't thought of that. I don't have clothes other than the ones I'm wearing, I don't own a apartment and worse..I don't have money to buy either of that. Could be a problem. I smile at her, grateful and she nods. "Come, I show you where you can sleep." She takes my hand and leads me up the stairs. I'm surprised that such an innocent guesture, such a friendly touch feels so sensational. Janet opens up one door and I see I stand in front of her spare room. Hey, nice, soft, huge bed. Yay. "Thanks." I smile down at her and she answers me "You're welcome." We stand there holding hands for one more minute, exactly like we did years ago at the SGC and then she leaves me. I shake my head in wonder and undress. Wearing only my underwear I slip under the sheets and totally loose myself in this comfortable, fluffy bed. Which by the way smells like her, and I wonder why this is so, before I go to sleep for the first time in three years. Nice.

~*~

I woke up and the sun was already shining happily in my room. Though it's autumn -it's just a lucky guess, but the red and yellow leaves on the trees seem like a hint to me- she was warming my face. After allowing myself to just doze a bit, I realized I needed to use the toilet and then decided I could get dressed, as well. So I left my comfortably warm bed and shuddered as the surprisingly cold air collided with my body. What happened to nice, balmy room-temerature?

Anyway I didn't know wheter to take a shower or a nice, long, hot bubble-bath, but after a quick look at the watch in the bathroom, I decided for a quick, hot shower. After all it was already 1400. So, I lost myself and relaxed again. I then learned why Janet smelled like apple, yesterday. It's her shower gel and I'll smell like apple, too, after I'm finished. So here I am, enjoying a shower as if I had never done this before.

Oookaaay, don't concentrate on your hands moving over your hyper-sensitive skin as you massage the gel onto your body. Think of something. Concentrate on the water which tickels down your chest and back in fine, little streams. So smooth and tender, and a little hard where the stream hits your neck and shoulders. Ooooh crap, where's the tap? Need cold water. Very cold water. Eeeeeck! Yep, that helps. Brrrr.

"Hey, Mom, I'm back. Listen you'll never guess what happened yesterday.."

Uh-uh. Cassie. Nononononononono.

"Ehm.Mom?"

Don't touch the.Hi Cassie. O God I want to die. Or ascend. Right Now. Oma please???

"Danniel????"

Nice, she remembers me.

"Yeah, hi, uhm.would you mind if I get dressed before I'll explain?" This is soo embarassing.

"Sure."

Thanks, she draws the curtain back, runs out of the room, yelling "Mom, why the hell is Daniel in our shower? Naked? And he looks soooo good!"

Thanks. I prepare myself for another embarrasing moment but against my expectation Janet doesn't sneak in to get a look at my butt. Mh, forgot that she has seen it plenty of times whenever she inserted a needle into it.

I sigh, wash the foam of my body, get out, shudder again as the now even colder air hits my wet skin, which immediatelly builds up goose bumps, and after I'm dressed and have collected all my courage that's left, descend down the stairs. I can smell nice, sweet food.

I almost expect the house to be full of people but obviously Janet hasn't told anybody that I'm back.

I step into the kitchen, but I don't have to announce my presence with a little cough, because the second my left food crosses the doorway, both their heads dart up from the conspiracious position before and then stare smiling at me. Smug smiles. Evil smiles. Janet has a pan in her right hand, beaming a "Dan-niel" (the first half of my name slightly higher pitched than the last) in my direction. I mumble a "Janet?" and then Cassie springs at me and hugs the life out of me. Yeah, I missed you too.

Uhh, I almost cry. Then we part and I sit down at the table were lots of pancakes are waiting for me. I love Janet. Did I mention that before? I almost forget why I originally came back, as the three of us sit around the kitchen table talking about what happenend to us over the last years and how much we missed each other. The sun beams in from the window behind me and warms my back. I can hear some late birds singing between the laughter of the two women who sit in front of me. Cassie's grown a lot and she's very pretty. And Janet looks just beautiful. The sun reflects on something and that one particular ray of light plays with her face and lights it just perfect.

"So.what are you going to do?" Cassie asks.

I think about that and then say. "Don't know. I think I need to know what really happened to the rest of my friends, first." Cassie looks sad at her Mom and then down on the table. "That's a long story Daniel." She informs me.

"I have time."

So they both nod and after we have cleaned the kitchen we stroll out into the garden to enjoy the early-autumn feeling.

And then they tell me what happened to my friends.

~*~

I cry. I hate myself that I wasn't there. That I didn't notice. I'm the most stupid son-of-a-bitch in the whole wide world. I was in a higher state of being. I was able to go wherever I want to go all over the galaxy, even further and I didn't think of that. I watched them off-world, I watched them on the base.

I forgot to watch them at home. On Earth,in their normal lives.

I cry so hard because I feel so guilty and sorry. I'm not used to feel the pain physically any more. It hurts so much. Janet hugs me, saying soothing words and Cassie tenderly strokes my back up and down. I feel like a baby, I'm helpless. So I let it out, hoping that it would be over then and I can find the strenght to make things better. I know I could never make it right.

I need to go to Sam. And to Jack.

"Teal'c has a new baby. It's a girl." Cassie tries to distract me and it almost works. I can calm down a little and feel I'm very happy for him.

"What's her name?" I sob.

"She's called Ny'ac and she's 1 year old by now. She's the most cute baby I've ever seen. I'll show you photos of her if you want to."

I nod and I actually feel a bit better."Thanks."

And with that she goes into the house in search of the pictures.

I silently sob a while and then I manage to get contol over my body again. Cassie's obviously lost in the house, who knows where she has stored the pics. But Janet doesn't seem to worry and then I realize I don't even know the date.

"What day is it?" I ask her.

"September, 2nd. Moday. Why?"

I shrug my shoulders. "Shouldn't you be working?"

She shakes her head and informs me, that today is her day off. "Good." I tell her. "I could need some clothes, I only have this sweater and pair of Jeans. Would you mind accompanying me?" And then I add. "I really need to get a little distraction of what you just told me, Janet."

"Yeah, I'm sure Cassie wants to come, too." Of course she does. We get in as she is about to come out in the garden again, proudly showing me photos of Teal'c's new baby-girl. She's right. The little girl is cute. And Teal'c smiles broadly into the camera. On some of the other pictures Sam and Jack are on, as well. I realize they are never together. Usually one of them sneaked behind someone else to be on the same photo as the other. It always looked like a pure accident but I know it never was. It was their way of having photos of each other.

I place the little pile of baby-pics on the kitchen table and follow Janet and Cassie to Janets car. They are both chatting happily about the 'cool' clothes they are going to get me. One of them a really tight pair of Levis-Jeans and a black tight sweater. Uhm, excuse me? No, I will not relax, Janet. You are scaring me, really!

~*~

I survived. We are back home and I surprisingly have at least some clothes that I like and that are not 'matching my eyes' or 'accentuating my chest/stomach/butt'. Clothes I can actually breathe in. And I won't talk about the 'Hey he needs some underwear,as well'-discussion.

After eating something and getting dressed in my new clothes (Where the hell did the black silk pyjama come from??) I persuade Janet to drive me to base. I need to tell everybody that I'm back and freak the hell out of them. I'm actually looking forward to it. Now that I'm used to going around people and not waiting for them to go through me (Yeah, I'm sorry, Mr. Schwarzenegger-look-alike), and I remember how to use my legs properly I'm ready for that. I only hope Jack won't throw one of his shoes at me, again.

So, people who don't know me (there are a lot of new airmen here.and air.-uh-.women), just either stare at me, like who-the-heck-is-that-civillian or they ingnore me thinking aaaand-another-civillian. Anyway. The people who knew me pale and I have to explain what happened. I really should have worn the T-Shirt with "Hel-lo, my name is Daniel. Yes I've been dead. But occasionally we come back. Har-Har."

After what seems like hours Janet and I finally manage to reach the Generals office. Janet goes in first and then comes back to tell me he's in a briefing but will be finished in 10 Minutes. So we wait.

Finally the door opens and Jack is about to stroll out as he spots me, leaning against the opposite wall. He immediately stops. I greet him and he is unsure whether he should ignore me just in case if I'm only visible for him again, but as Teal'c stops behind him, stating "DanielJackson" he spins around and asks "Doyouseehimtoo?". And then Sam asks "Who?" and sees me and gasps "Daniel?!" and I run to her and hug her and am determined to never let her go cause I am so sorry.

The next minutes are spent with crying and hugging and staring and explaining and I hope it will never stop. I stare at Sam whom I still hold in my arms and she's both smiling at me and crying. Then I let go of her, reluctantly, and hug Jack who at first grunts his I'm-a-heterosexual-alpha-male-we-don't-hug-for-crying-out-loud, but then buries his face in my neck and silently whispers "You won't leave us again, right?". And I shake my head telling him, no I'll stay. We let go, pretending as if the whole hugging thing was actually a pain in the ass but the others expect us to, so we do so (well he does, I storm over to hug Teal'c who is really not a hugging person). And then I even hug the General. I have to admit, I don't pay much attention to Jonas who is standing aside, whatching the scene uncomfortably. But I don't care either, because I'm back with my family and I have to unite them again.

After we have all calmed down, the General leads us back into the briefing room and demands an explanaition of me. I first shake hands with Jonas and then tell them what happened so far. Of course I leave the I-want-to-make-you-happy-again-thing out and tell them only that I had the feeling I had to be back. Whatever.

They seem content and the General offers me my old job back. I accept, but I don't want to start working immediately, I tell him. I have some things to do first.

And when I look at the people sitting around the table, I realize I have a lot to do.

~*~

The General is nice. He gave everybody leave 2 hours earlier and we all agreed to meet at Jacks place. Before we would invade him, everybody went to purchase some food and alcohol. I said bye to Janet and went with Jack to tidy up his house. He asks me if I want to stay as long as I don't have a place of my own, but I think I'll stay at Janets. Not that I don't like Jack, it's just he isn't so cute.

Anyway. I take advantage of the situation as Jack tidies up his living-room and just ask him.

"Why didn't you tell me what happened?" His back stiffens and he probably mutters 'for cryin' out loud' but I don't hear it.

"What, Daniel?"

"You know exactly what I'm talking about." I say, scrunching my face, playing with the wash cloth in my hand.

"Teal'c's got a new baby, so what's the big deal?" he tries. I remember Teal'c's proud expression as I congratulated him to his new child.

"That's not what I meant, Jack." I say in my softest voice. "I'm talking about Sam." I look down on the floor. As I look up again, he's gone.

I search him in the kitchen and outside, in his backyard. He's not in the bathroom or bedroom and as I almost come to believe the Asgard must have beamed him up, I remember one place I forgot to look.

As I peer over the top of the ladder leading up to his roof, I see him sitting in one corner. Curled up, his face staring to a point out of this reality or time. I don't want to startle him, so I call his name silently.

He doesn't turn around, but I don't care. I knew this wasn't easy. Not for me, him or Sam. But we have to do this, Jack.

I slowly approach him and sit down aside of him. "Daniel. Leave it." His voice is dangerous, cold. I know him like that, if he wants to hurt me, fine. I'm used to it. I know, I'm just human for about one day and I already managed to screw our realtionship up somehow. He shut up and is determined to not let me in.

"Janet told me, Jack." I calmly say.

"Then why do you ask?"

"Because you are not okay, Jack."

"So what? It's not important, Daniel. You can't help it."

I sense he slowly loses it. So I keep pushing him. "But let me try!"

"Daniel, stop it."

"Jack, I know how it is. Remember?"

"No you don't Daniel." Ah, there we go, he's mad at me and yells: "You don't know how it feels to lose the person that means so much to you and you can do nothing to help her, 'cause you can't find her. You don't know it, because you haven't been here. You left us alone!"

He stares at me and I can clearly see his rage in his eyes. He is so hurt, like I've never seen him before. He lost too much over the years. I keep calm, although he hurt me, too. He hurt me a lot but I know he didn't mean to.

"Jack. I know what it's like. Remember my wife, Jack? And I didn't leave you. I had two possibilities, not counting the one that involved actual death. And I doubt that I could have helped you in any way if Jacob had managed to heal me, because you know I would have never recovered completely, Jack. I'm back. I watched you, but I failed. I'm so sorry, but now I'm here and I want to be there for you."

I look at him. He's sorry, I can see it. But he doesn't say anything. He can't talk about his feelings very well. I nod. He nods and scrunches his face.

Then he covers his face with his hands and draws in a huge breath.

"Okay. I'm not good with this." He mumbles into his hands. "But I'll try."

"I know what happened and how, Jack. I just don't know how you are?!" I hope that helps him and as he finally lowers his hands to rest on his knees I can see he's ready to talk to me.

~*~

The wind gets chilly and it gets slowly darker, but I don't want to interrupt him. I'm sure, our guests will come soon, but this moment is all that matters now.

He looks ahead of him, emotionless but I know he's not.

"I heard about her abduction as we waited for her in the briefing room. She was overdue and somebody was gone to phone her, I guess it was the General. He came back to tell me that there was nobody answering the phone. I tried her cellphone and a man answered." He trails off. "You know, I first thought I'd misdialled but the display showed her number. Next thought was.." He doesn't finish the sentence but I'd swear, as he shakes his head in disbelieve, that he thought she was dating someone. "Anyway, as I learned, the guy was a policeofficer called Mr.Something and after telling him who I was, he informed me, that he found her cellphone lying on one of the paths in the park she usually went jogging in, early before work. An old man who was taking his dog for a walk witnessed a blond woman getting attacked by two men. He saw her fight but one of the..bastards knocked her out and dragged her away. The man called the police, but they only found her cellphone and that's it."

He takes a break. I know that neither the police nor any of the other agencies or Jack could find her. She was gone. Obviously this time it wasn't the NID or another of the usual suspects. It were just some goddamn guys.

"How did you feel?" I know it's the dumbest possible question, but I just want him to continue.

He snorts. "Well, I felt just fine, Daniel!"

I look down on my feet. I can hear him sigh.

"I did everything I could, but couldn't find her. We didn't know if she was alive or not. Nobody demanded some ransom or anything similar. After all the battles we've fought and all we've been through, some godforsaken sonofabitch captured her and did who knows what with her for almost one year."

One year. That's how long she was gone. Janet knows what they did to her, but of course she wouldn't tell me. And Jack, I'm pretty sure, hasn't asked her. But that's exactly what is breaking him. That he hadn't asked.

From somewhere a car approaches. I can hear it stop almost underneath our position, the doors open and I can hear three women talk. Janet, Cassie and Sam are here.

Jack has noticed as well, which means our conversation is over and without a word he gets up.

I stop him, grabbing his arm. "Jack. You need to talk to her."

He holds my gaze and says "I can't. She hates me."

Then he shakes my hand off and climbs down the ladder. I close my eyes and then follow him. So next on my list is a talk to Sam. But tonight, we will try to have some fun and forget.

~*~

As I enter the house, Jack has already let the 'girls' in. The greet me with a collective "Heeyy" and then hug me. I so love being human. Sam almost smiles a happy smile. Janet is her perfect self. She organizes everything and orders Jack around. He mutters some sarcastic remarks but is careful that she doesn't hear it. Cassie plays meddler and I stand in the doorframe with Sam in my arm. We watch the scene and smile.

Shortly after the three women invaded the house, the bell rings again and I open the door to let the General, Teal'c and Jonas in. Who has invited him anyway? I know I'm rude, but they are my friends and family and we are celebrating our reunion. I greet him and I remember, that I actually liked him, as we first met. And I also remember that he is not to blame. So I promise to be nice to him and generously offer him a beer, which he accepts.

Then we all work together to get the barbecue grill work and after a little while, we all sit outside despite the chilly air and chew our food. Everybody has thousands of questions I have to ansewer. Where I've been, what I've done etc. I tell them that I most of the time just watched other cultures and planets and galaxies and describe the wonders I have seen. Jack yawns. I'm sorry I haven't found a planet where they play hockey, Jack. So I decide to be stubborn and don't tell him from the one planet which has actually a Stargate on it where he could fish the most amazing fish in the whole wide galaxy.

We are happy. I am happy. Sam looks content, too. But I can see she avoids Jack's gaze. Jack, on the other hand, steals a glance at her from time to time. Mh. That's not going to be easy.

Obviously at the moment isn't much to do at base and so the General surprises everybody as he announces, they'll all be on downtime tomorrow. Teal'c obviously is very content and immediately asks permission to visit his family. I take the chance and ask him to tell me about little Ny'ac which he gladly does.

The evening is very peaceful. Even Jonas seems to feel comfortable and I realize, I still like him.

~*~

At 2 a.m. Janet, Cassie, Sam and I left the party. It then only consisted of Teal'c, us four and Jack. I was tired and so Janet ordered me to get some sleep. We drove Sam home and at the moment I'm patiently waiting in front of the bathroom for Janet to finish whatever she does. I assume it must be the thing women do before going to sleep. I still haven't figured out the ritual exactly, however I'd swear it takes even longer than them preparing for work or even going out.

Ah, I hear footsteps. Good then she's still alive in there. The door opens aaaaaand...

-...-

~*~

Sorry, I had a stroke.

Okay, almost...But Janet revived me..hehe. She's a goooood doc! Mhhh, still smells like apple and no I will not tell you where I am and what I just did...no!

Hehe. Use your dirty brains, I can only tell you three words: black s-i-l-k nightgown. Did I mention.silk? The word itself is dirty isn't it? S-s-s-i-lll-k. But you don't have to worry. Not many silkworms have been tortured to make this..dress (I'm not sure if it deserves to be called a dress, I'mean a handkerchief isn't a dress either..mh), because it's so tiny-weeny it fits into my right fist.

I sigh and then snuggle up to the soft, warm, comfortable, naked female back that lies beside me.

Good night.

~*~

After a perfect night (I slept like a baby), I wake up and look into the beautiful face of Janet. I know I'm becoming really sappy here but she looks soooo cute when she sleeps. I think I'll keep her. Ah, she stirs aaand pops up one eye. "Morning, Daniel," she mumbles and then strechtes. Mmmmh, sexy. "Morning, Janet." I whisper back. Life is wonderful. I missed it.

She looks into my eyes and tenderly strokes my face. That tickles. Sweet. I stroke her back and so we lie, facing each other and not letting go of each others eyes. After minutes I finally ask her if she's okay. I must have looked stupid or so, because she laughs and tells me "Yes, I am. Haven't you been here last night?" I grin an evil grin in remeberance of kisses and touches and feelings and skin and smells and hot...no, I so won't tell you. I think I'll do something to make her remember, too and then we'll go for breakfast. Hey, no don't leave..mh, nice back.

"Are you coming?" she asks, leaning against the door and of course I do. Mhhh, nice idea, Janet. A shower is a good thing.

I love her.

~*~

We talk a little while having breakfast and then I ask her to rent me her car but she refuses because I don't own a driver's licence any more. So she drives me over to Sam's house and I tell her, she doesn't have to fetch me up, because I'd walk home. I need some time alone to think about the things that happened.

I hesitate in front of Sam's door, my hand hovering over the door bell, finger already stretched out to press the little button. I told her yesterday I'd come over and she agreed, so all I have to do is push the bell.

Ah, I managed to do it. I hear footsteps from within, the door opens and there she beams at me, as if she'd never been sad.

"Hi."

"Hi, Sam."

We both grin and then hug each other. Then she lets me in and I stroll over to her couch.

~*~

It's a comfortable late morning. We sit together and chat about things that aren't of any importance. We laugh as we remember the fun we had years ago. She repeats again and again how much she has missed me and that she can't believe I'm back but she's so happy I am. I tell her the same. Outside, the sun is shining and I try to remember the last autumn I experienced before my ascension. I wonder if it was as warm as this years.

We sit in silence for a while, sipping at our coffee. She leans against me, her head rests on my right shoulder. I feel so at home in the peaceful silence that surrounds us. But I know I have to break it, sooner or later. So I give it a try with the latest news.

"Janet and I..we..uhm." well that went well. Surprisingly -or not, because she's a woman, and women learned to understand stammering men because we often do- that catches her attention. Her head shots up and she stares at me with wide open eyes.

"What?" She askes in disbelieve and slowly her eyes narrow in suspicion. Yeah I know, I've been here for only 3 days, counting today, and am already sleeping with her best friend.

I crumple my face and mumble at my knees "Yeah, you know, uh, I've..we realised.uhm." And I fail.

"Sam, look." Okay so far so good "I don't understand it myself, not yet, but it just happened. It's the most natural thing to kiss her and hold her. I've had a lot of time to learn to understand my feelings but it's sorta scary to act on them, you know what I mean?" I make an asking face and watch her cautiously.

She thinks about it and then says slowly "Yeah, I know what you mean."

Good, well done Dannyboy..argh, damn Jack, now I'm calling myself that way.

"Do you want to tell me what happened as you've been kidnapped?" I pronounce the last word very carefully but I can see her wince as the painful memories kick in.

"No, I'm sure everybody has told you what you need to know. Don't be angry, but I've almost managed to forget it, okay?" She sends me an apologetic look.

"I talked to Janet and Jack." I admit. "So, I know what happened and when. I also have an idea about how Janet feels and especially Jack. What I don't know, however, is how you feel. But I can see that you are not okay."

I make a break to let the words make their way through the wall she built around her to save her from harm.

She shakes her head. "That's not important Daniel. How I feel doesn't matter. It's over, I survived, end of story." She quickly stands up and leaves the living room.

I stay behind but then I hear her rumbling through the kittchen and I decide to go to her. I'll confront her with her fears so that she can deal with them. I'm her friend, I know what I do.

That's right, keep telling you so and maybe you believe it, Daniel...

"Sam."

"No, Daniel!"

Ah, but you can't push me away.

"You have to talk about it." I try to be firm but also calm.

"No, Daniel, I don't have to! I don't have to do anything! It's my life they distroyed! I Will not talk about it!" Now she's mad at me. Okay, maybe she blurts it out.

"Sam! What did they do to you? Why did they take you?"

"Daniel.!" she warns me.

I approach her and take the mug she clings to out of her hand.

"Sam."

"NO! What do you want to hear? Huh? That they raped me, that they tortured me? Why do you want to know???" She yells at me and then storms out of the room.

As I follow her, I can feel my heart pump in my chest and I'm afraid it might burst any moment. I finally reach her, grab her and spin her around so that she has to face me. Then I say as tender as possible: "Did they?"

She looks into my eyes, horrified and then clutches at the pullover I'm wearing. I take her into my arms and hold her. I've gotten through to her.

~*~

We sit on the couch again. This time, I hold her hand and she tells me her story. Slowly and barely to hear and I guess from the look on her face that she sees images of the lost year inside her head.

"After some months they told me that they took me because I was such a. beauty." She shudders in disgust. "They saw me jogging and knew they wanted to have me. They didn't expect me to be such a fight, however and so one of them received a broken nose as a present from me. They knocked me out and as I came to, I found myself in a cellar. I was tied to a chair, a gag in my mouth. It was so dark and chilly. I couldn't see anything and I couldn't free me." She lets go of my hand, draws up her knees and hugs them. "They wanted to break me, Daniel. They didn't want to rape me, they wanted me to give in and then they..anyway, of course I didn't do what they wanted me to do. So they starved me and beat me and all that. Again and again. I soon lost all sense of time. After what seemed like an eternity, I woke up one day or night to find another woman with me. She was younger than me, sitting in a chair opposite of me. Her eyes were wide with terror, her long, ash-blond hair was ruffled. Her mouth was gagged and her hands and feet were tied to the chair. I almost didn't feel mine anymore at this time. I told her my name and that we'd get out of here and after some minutes I managed to calm her down. Until they came back. I never learned their names, they never told me anything.."

She closes her eyes and I can see her swallow hard. She stubbornly represses tears which are already rolling down my face. I stiffen my back, well knowing that the next part of the story would be the worst, the one she can't forget.

"..I gave in." Her eyes open up again and she stares ahead of her. I patiently wait a minute and as she doesn't continue I ask her.

"Why?" my voice is barely to hear and my heart is one single cramp.

"Because of what they did to her. I promised her that it will be alright. Instead it went worse. They tortured her to make me give in. She was a means to break me, nothing more. And it worked. I gave in and let them do what they wanted."

She states it matter of factly. I cry. I hurt and I cry. I wonder how I manage to sound so rational as I tell her it wasn't her fault, she only tried to save the other woman's life.

"They killed her, Daniel. Because she could have identified them."

Shit. "Sam."

"Daniel. Don't tell anybody. Promise me." She turns her head to face me and her eyes plead, beg me to promise. So I do. "I won't. You will."

She shakes her head vehemently and in disbelieve. I'm sure Janet has an idea about what happened but I don't want her to tell Janet anyway.

"You have to tell Jack."

"Are you crazy?" Okay, I've never heard her say this before.

"Sam, it's killing him. Give him a chance to deal with it. And yourself."

"No."

"Sam." And then I understand. "It's not your fault. You haven't failed."

"I have, Daniel. I'm a soldier and I've failed miserably."

She cries and as I try to comfort her I understand even more. She's afraid Jack might detest her for being weak. I have to make her understand that he wouldn't. Never!

~*~

As I am sure she is okay to be left alone it already gets dark outside. I've spent the rest of the day cosoling her, hugging her, calming her down. We talked carefully about why they took her ("Because of the kick, Daniel."), how she managed to escape because they eventually underestimated her strengh and determination and how she spent the weeks and months after the kidnap. It's just been 8 months passed and she well knows she's not over it. But she also doesn't want to go and see Jack. So I changed topic and we talked a little about Janet and me.

I wander throught the chilly evening. A light wind is blowing some leaves across the street. The street lights are humming silently and some people taking their dogs for a walk are passing me. I inhale the cool air and it revives my senses. I push my hands in the pockets of my coat and cross the street. I only realise I was walking to Jacks place as I stand in front of his truck which is parked in front of his house. Through the closed windows the warm shimmer of light shines out and contrasts with the cold night and myself.

I hesitate for a moment and then slowly approach the door to ring. Why not get it over with?

Seconds later I look at the surprised face of Jack.

"Daniel?"

"Jack."

Then he lets me in and I embrace the warmth of his house.

~*~

Soft music is playing in the living room. Jack hands me a mug with hot tea (Yeah I'm as surprised as you) and sits down beside me. I don't know how to begin and he must realize I'm uncomfortable. He frowns down into his mug and asks me if I'm okay.

I tell my mug I'm not and he looks at me surprised. Obviously he expected me to answer him a 'Yes I will be', but I've changed a bit during my time as a higher form of existence. I will not lie again.

I face him and then explain: "I've been with Sam the whole day."

He seems to sense where this is going because he adds his 'for cryin' out loud, Daniel' and looks away from me.

"She needs you, Jack. But she doesn't want to tell you because she thinks you are ..disappointed or that you'd detest her." So now it's out, Jack.

He looks at me, shocked. "Why should I be? Detest her? Why?" He doesn't understand, how should he. I search for the right words and then go for implications. He has to ask her himself.

"Because of what they did to her, Jack." Although spoken extremely carefully the words hit him at his most vulnerable point. His face is blank, but I know he tries to deal with what I just implied. Although he always assumed this himself, it is different when actually hearing it.

"It's not her fault." His voice is weak.

"That's what I told her, Jack. I think she knows but she's too afraid.." Of what?

"Of what?" I don't know the answer, Jack. Ask her himself.

"I don't know. Maybe you? Your feelings? Hers?" I shrug. "Ask her."

He stands up and leaves. I know where he's going and it's the right thing. I stay for some minutes and then leave as well. Janet is surely waiting for me and I need her comfort.

~*~

One week has passed and I'm at the mountain. I have a new office, and they brought all my books back from Area 51 or wherever they stored them. It already looks the way my old office did look like and Jack complains about it being a mess. Jonas pops in from time to time to ask me about certain artefacts or languages he doesn't understand. I'm not assigned to field duty yet, but maybe in the next week I'll be. Depends on Janet. She has to declare me fit for active duty. I know she will, I prove I'm in best condition as often as I can. (Now stop grinning evilly!)

I've met Teal'cs little girl and have decided I love her. My team is getting close again. Closer than they were before. I often witness Sam and Jack exchange meaningful, secret looks and from what Jack told me, they are alright.

He was there that evening and they talked. He said they'd never had such an honest talk before because they've always been afraid of the outcome. But as they didn't have anything to lose, they just went for it. It turned out to be the right thing. I know from Janet, who knows from Sam, that Jack told her that he'd always l...ike her, no matter what happens and she told him the same.

From this time on, they slowly opened up and obviously found each other in a new way. Of course, officially they haven't, so don't tell anybody. As soon as we are alone (just the old SG-1 plus Jonas) they let their guards down and are openly flirting with each other.

I'm sure they aren't involved yet, but they are open for it.

I smile as I unpack other boxes. I findd my old journals and I'll take them home to read. As I dive into the last box, I get hold of the photo of Sha're, which used to stand on my desk. She smiles at me, innocent and happy. I smile back at her. A part of me will always love her. She was one of the reasons I went on this journey with those precious people. A sad reason, yes. But I hold beautiful memories and I will cling to them. I place the photo onto the pile of my journals to take it home with me.

I'm back. I'll fight the Gua'uld and whoever comes. Maybe I'll die, hurt or ascend. Whatever comes I'll take it, because I'm alive.

Jack comes in whistling to himself and aims for a very precious artefact. I warn him not to touch it and quickly ask what he wants.

"Debriefing, Dannyboy. Forgotten?"

I nod and on the way out grab my folders. SG-5 found a terrific culture on P4B-398 and I can't wait to see it with my own eyes.

I sit down at the long table in the briefing room and wait for the General's sign to begin with my lecture.

"Doctor Jackson. Can you tell us more about it?"

I nod and stand up. I smile at the people in front of me.

And at my new -old- life.

* Fin *

End Notes: Thanks for reading.

Have fun. And to Stacy if you read this...you have a great Mum! I'd love to see the pics!

*waves goodbye*

Jenny

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