samandjack.net

Story Notes: Sorry this is late in coming, but I hope that the 'Abyss' episode addition will follow soon(ish!).

This one's dedicated to everyone I met at SG-5. And to Sharon, who was missed by us all.


Sam couldn't shake the feeling that she was acting as a pallbearer when she stepped out into the dimly lit Tok'ra base, with the dead weight of the Colonel's isolation unit biting into the palm of her hand.

"Sam!" her father was the first to greet her, and she felt a brief moment of relief at the sight of his familiar face.

"Hey, Dad."

"How's he doing?" Jacob asked, peering through the small window at O'Neill's fevered, pale face. "He doesn't look so good."

His flippancy irritated her, but she bit back a retort and simply said, "He's not. Is the symbiote ready? We don't have much time."

Jacob nodded at the small group of Tok'ra that had come to greet them, and Sam found the handle taken from her hand. She felt a pang of loss, but with her father so close she didn't dare let it show. Still, she couldn't help her eyes from following the Colonel's progress along the corridor. "Where are they taking him?"

"It's not far," Jacob assured her, falling in at her side as they trailed behind the small procession. "You know," he said, fixing her with a look she remembered from childhood. The sort that told her he wasn't buying any bullshit. "I have to say I was...astonished when Thoran told me Jack had agreed to the blending."

Sam kept her eyes firmly focused ahead, concentrating on revealing nothing. "A lot of people were."

"But not you? George said you were the one who persuaded him."

She shrugged. "You know the Colonel. I told him how important it was, to the Tok'ra--"

"Ha," he snorted. "Since when has Jack ever cared about what's important to the Tok'ra?"

Sam felt her jaw tighten, remembering the words that has slipped out unbidden. *Sir, please...* "He knows where his duty lies," she replied, risking a sideways glance at her father. "Why? You think we're hiding something from you?"

"No," he shook his head. "No. It's just...Jack O'Neill, a Tok'ra? Come on, you have to admit, it's a little unlikely."

"Maybe," she conceded with a small smile. "But stranger things have happened. Daniel's a 'higher being', after all." And then she fixed her father with a deadly serious look. "And it's not like this is going to be permanent. Right?"

"Right," he agreed, slowing and ushering her through a door in the corridor. "It's not gonna be permanent. Kanan really wouldn't--"

"Oh God." Sam stopped dead, disturbed by the sight that confronted her in the small room. She felt Jacob's hand on her arm and didn't shake it free.

Behind a force shield, O'Neill, unconscious and as pale as milk, was being lifted from the isolation transporter onto a bed. He looked like a corpse and Sam had to dig her fingers into her palm in an effort to remind herself that he still lived and breathed.

Next to the colonel lay a slender man, his head bandaged and bloody, his chest rising and falling in weak, fluttering breaths. He might as well have been a corpse too. The Tok'ra wasted no time, gently turning O'Neill's face towards that of the dying host.

She knew what would happen next, she'd seen it happen to her father. But she couldn't watch it happen to O'Neill, not knowing how much the very idea revolted him. She turned away, her eyes fixed on Jonas who was watching the scene with unbridled curiosity.

And then he winced, flinched and she heard the sound of choking coming from behind the force shield. Her head snapped back, just in time to see the symbiot's tail slide down O'Neill's throat. Her stomach turned, but she didn't look away again as the Colonel convulsed once and then lay still. The Tok'ra leaned close, touched, consulted and then pronounced, "The blending has been successful. Now we must wait for Kanan to cure the disease within Colonel O'Neill."

"How long?" Sam asked, her gaze fixed on the Colonel. What had been the Colonel. What was now O'Neill/Kanan.

"A few hours," her father told her, his hand still resting on her arm. "Come on," he urged, tugging her towards the door, "let's get something to eat."

Eat? Sam found the though appalling, but said nothing. More than anyone, she had to be careful around her father. If she slipped for an instant, he'd know. He'd know everything. So she dragged her eyes from O'Neill and nodded with false enthusiasm. "Sounds good, Dad."

***

Tok'ra food was, at best, as bland as their fashion choices. And today, Sam didn't taste a thing as she ate. Jonas and Selmac were having a long and involved discussion about Tok'ra ethics, but Sam didn't hear one word in ten.

All her attention was focused inward, on the question her father had asked as soon as they stepped through the gate. The question that had haunted her since the moment the Colonel had agreed to take the symbiote. Why? Why had he done it?

She hadn't begged him. She knew that. She'd kept it as professional as always, and yet she knew him. She knew what drove him. And in her heart, she knew the answer that she couldn't tell her father. Couldn't tell anyone.

He'd done it for her.

He'd done it because she'd asked, and he knew what it would cost her to watch him die. It wasn't exactly a surprise. She knew he'd die for her, he'd proven that countless times. He'd die for her, and not just because he was her CO. But this...? She found it hard to believe that he'd done this for her; agreed to live his worst nightmare to spare her suffering through her own horror. It was almost too much...

"Sam?"

Her father's voice startled her from her thoughts, and she looked up into his curious eyes. "Yeah?"

"You're quiet."

She shrugged. "It's been a long day - a long three days..."

He looked at her, a slight frown creasing his brow. "Jack's gonna be fine, you know."

"Yeah." She looked away again, uncomfortable with the astute expression in his eyes. Then glancing at her watch, she looked up again. "It's been half an hour. Shouldn't he be able to talk or...something?"

Her father shrugged. "The healing process isn't always easy, Sam. Remember how long it took Selmac to heal me?"

She gave a little nod. Like *that* was something she was likely to forget in a hurry. "I just... I don't think he should be alone when he wakes up."

"He's not," Jacob assured her, pushing a large fork full of food into his mouth. "Thoran and Ainne are with him."

Sam glanced over at Teal'c, catching his eye. "That's not what I meant. One of us should be there. He may not remember what happened, and we--"

"Selmac!" The door behind them burst open, and the diminutive Tok'ra, Ainne, rushed in. "Come quickly. There's a problem."

***

Sam was on her father's heels the whole way down the corridor, pushing past him as they entered the room where the Colonel lay. Still behind the force shield and as pale as death.

"What happened?"

She spoke a fraction of a second before Jacob. But it was his subtle nod to Thoran that prompted the other Tok'ra to speak. "There's a rejection problem."

Sam span around. "Rejection? How? I've never heard--"

But it wasn't her father who answered, it was Selmac. "Thoran refers to a rejection of the mind, not the body. Do you not, Thoran?"

He nodded. "Colonel O'Neill...is an unwilling host."

Unwilling? "No. No, he agreed to this!"

"Perhaps so," Selmac acknowledged. "But the human mind, I have often observed, is well versed in self-deception."

Sam blinked. "I don't understand."

And then her father was back, frowning. "What Selmac's trying to say," he clarified, taking a step closer to the Colonel, "is that Jack might have agreed to the implantation. But it's not something he wanted. His subconscious mind is resisting."

Damn it! Resisting? Then he never wanted this, he only did it because... Because. Oh Jesus. Because she asked. He did it against his will, against his wishes, just because--

"This makes matters difficult," Thoran frowned, coming to join them. "Without the co-operation of the host, Kanan will refuse to fully blend. He will not take an unwilling host."

Sam looked from her father back to the Colonel. "Meaning what? Will he...? Can Kanan still help him?"

Jacob nodded. "Yes. Physically, there are no problems. But...well, without Jack's agreement - at the deepest level - Kannan can't use the host's body. If he did, he'd be no better than a Goa'uld."

"Or Jolinar," she pointed out icily.

He shrugged. "Desperate times."

"And these," Thoran added, "are indeed desperate times. If we do not get the information Kanan is carrying--"

A sudden disturbance behind them stopped him dead. And Sam saw Thoran's eyes widen a beat before she heard the voice. "Well met, Thoran. Selmac."

She almost jumped out of her skin when she heard him speak, so familiar and yet terrifyingly different. Almost afraid of what she might see, Sam turned and saw O'Neill sitting up and staring at her through alien eyes. "Samantha Carter," he said, a slight smile touching his lips.

She took a step forward. "Kanan?"

He nodded, a grave movement so different from the Colonel's fluid grace. "Jack O'Neill is...resting," he informed her. "He is uncomfortable with this arrangement, and I have taken the step of creating a Kel'norec for his protection."

Sam blinked. "A what?"

"No one's done that in years," Jacob said quietly. "Is it working?"

"What is it?" Sam asked, grabbing her father's arm. "Dad, what's going on?"

He patted her hand where it rested on his wrist. "It's okay, Sam. It's...kind of like a mental force shield. A quarantine. Kanan has erected a barrier between himself and Jack. To separate them."

"So he's a prisoner in his own body?" Panic rose at the thought, dark memories of being trapped and helpless while another had spoken with her voice. "You have to stop. You can't--"

"Do not be afraid," Kanan told her, the tone all O'Neill and yet so terribly distorted. "Your...friend...is unaware. His mind rests. Sleeps. For him, this will be as nothing. He will have no memories."

The panic eased around her heart. "No memories?"

"None. I assure you." He cocked his head to one side, looking at her oddly. "His discomfort troubles you?"

"He's my friend," she replied as steadily as possible. "I thought you'd know that."

Again, that little smile. "I do, Major Carter. I understand Jack O'Neill...deeply." And then the smile disappeared, replaced by an uncomfortable frown that flickered across his face and was gone. He turned to Jacob. "We do not have long. The Kel'norec is difficult to maintain, and I am yet weary. Please, allow me to complete my last mission report..."

***

It was more than two hours later when her father emerged from the small room, and Sam jumped to her feet from where she'd been sitting waiting in the empty corridor. He glanced at her once, curious, but said nothing until she spoke. "So? Did the Tok'ra get what they needed?"

He nodded. "Kanan is one of our finest operatives, Sam. The information we've gotten... It's important. Vital. Jack's... We owe him one."

She couldn't help a little smile. Her father's approbation was rarely bestowed, and she got a ridiculous glow of pleasure to hear him praise the Colonel. "I'm sure he'll be pleased to hear that. And how about a new host for Kanan?"

Jacob glanced at her sideways as they walked. "We won't have any news for a few days, Sam."

"And so... What? The Colonel will just stay asleep the whole time?"

"More or less," Jacob agreed. "Given his...aggressive distaste of the situation, it's probably for the best."

She frowned. "I don't like it."

"Neither do I. But what's the option?" He stopped then, taking her arm to slow her. "Sam...?" He glanced up and down the corridor. They were alone. "Sam, I gotta ask... What did you say to him? It's obvious this isn't something Jack wanted. How did you get him to agree?" He paused. "He did agree, didn't he? I mean, you didn't--"

"Of course he agreed!" Sam snapped. "What? You think I'd lie just so he wouldn't die?"

His eyes narrowed. "Under normal circumstances, no. But--"

"But what?"

"But...I'm you're father, Sam. And I'm not stupid. Even without Anise's report on the Zay'tarc--"


"Oh my God!" her hand was over her mouth. He knew? He *knew*?

Jacob smiled. "What? You didn't think she'd mention the reason for her monumental screw-up?"

Sam closed her eyes, momentarily willing herself out of the moment. "Dad, you gotta believe--"

"I know you, Sam," he assured her, his fingers squeezing her arm. "I know you'd never betray your uniform, or your command. But I've gotta know... Did Jack agree to this because... Because he wanted to, or because you wanted him to?"

She stared, feeling emotions and tears rise in her throat. In the end she just shook her head. "I...I don't know."

It was all she could say. It was the only truth she knew.

***

Kanan lay asleep, the restless mind of Jack O'Neill squirming uncomfortably behind the barriers he'd erected. And yet the host's discomfort was no greater than his own, assaulted as he was by the myriad of uncompromising beliefs held by the man whose body he shared. Of all his hosts, O'Neill's mind was by far the strongest. The most determined. And he found himself admiring his convictions, even as he was disturbed by the emotions they provoked.

For some reason, he couldn't stop thinking about Shayla. He remembered the last time he saw her, standing fragile and alone at the side of the monster who kept her in thrall. And he felt... What was it? Guilt? A sudden desperate need to see her safe and--

"Just a few minutes, Sam." The gruff voice was that of Selmac's host, Jacob Carter. And even with his eyes closed, Kanan could sense the presence of another step into the room. Samantha Carter. The woman held closest to O'Neill's heart.

A door closed softly, and he knew that they were alone. He considered opening his eyes, but resisted. Her reasons for being there were her own, and he doubted they had anything to do with him. Stepping back to allow his host a moment of privacy was something so familiar, that Kanan did it automatically. In this case, however, the host was unable to respond. And so they just lay there, quiet and still as she approached.

At first, she said nothing. But he could hear her soft breathing at his side, and suspected that on some subconscious level his restless host sensed her presence too. He calmed. Grew quiet. Almost peaceful.

And then she spoke.

"I don't know if you can hear me, sir. But I just wanted to say...goodbye. I have to go now. Back to the SGC. Dad says you'll be fine and--" Her voice caught and she stopped, sucking in a shaky breath. "I'm sorry," she whispered after a moment, all formality dropping. "I should never have asked you to do this. I should have refused, or sent Teal'c or-- I know you don't want this, sir. I knew it when I asked you, but I still-- God, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

In his mind, Kanan felt a wave of compassion radiate out from the host. And it surprised him, from a man who usually controlled his feelings so tightly. It was almost enough to break through the kel'norec. Almost.

After a while the woman spoke again, more composed. Almost trembling on the verge of forced humor. "Teal'c... Teal'c asked me to tell you that he's taping the Simpsons for you. And I...I..." And there it was, a touch. Warm fingers on his bare shoulder, a gentle caress. "I want you to know that I won't rest for a moment until you're home, sir."

Kanan felt something shift, deep down inside himself. It was as profound as an earth tremor, and yet silent. Disturbing, but undefined.

Her hand moved, leaving his shoulder and hesitantly stroking his forehead and threading lightly through his hair. The response from his sleeping host was electric, and the explosion of love was almost too much for Kanan to contain. "I promise," her voice was softer now, close to his ear. "I *swear*, sir, that I won't leave you like this. Whatever happens, whatever it costs, I won't leave you like this." And then, like a tender fire he felt the briefest of kisses brush his forehead, before she moved firmly away.

"Remember, Colonel," she said after a moment. Some distance away now, close to the door. "We don't leave our people behind."

And with that, she was gone. Leaving Kanan to deal with the volcano of emotions erupting in the depths of his sole. Rage. Fear. Guilt. And Love. Above all, love. But as Samantha Carter's words and caresses resonated through every nerve and fiber of the body he shared with O'Neill, it was not her face that filled his vision. It was that of another.

It was Shayla.

And he knew, beyond doubt and reason, that he had to bring her home.

He couldn't leave her behind.

He wouldn't.

~End~



End Notes: Thanks for reading:) I'm always trying to improve my writing, so all constructive comments are welcome at sallyreeve@blueyonder.co.uk

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